Breakthrough

A strange day with lots to do, hopefully everything would go like clockwork otherwise I would stress about time and then the day really would be in the shitter! I had a number of (medical) appointments to get through and with some fancy footwork I had been able to get them all on the same day, I just had to hold my nerve. I woke up feeling like hammered crap again and I felt as though I was sleeping deeply, I mean I can just about sleep anywhere, I just don’t feel refreshed after doing the deed! No breakfast as I had to go and get (another) fasting blood tests as the first one was abnormal (their words not mine) so another night of not eating and sat there bright and early for round two, I was in and out within a couple of minutes, I even felt confident enough to ask a few questions about what “abnormal” could mean in a blood test, I wasn’t overly happy with the response but hey ho do the crime……you get the picture!

Once back in the house I then proceeded to eat my weight in cheesecake for once, not because I was depressed, I was just bloody hungry and that was the first thing in the line of sight, a cup of tea to wash it down and I felt almost human. A quick wash then off to my rearranged therapy session, and the day was flowing so I went with it, the session I’m not going to break it down (simply because this chapter is about something that happens later in the day, stick with it) what I will say though it was again a deeply emotional session,  I don’t care for these type of sessions simply because I am drained afterwards, it’s like a bloody big rock stuck on a chimney and all I can use to get it down is an ice pick! Session over I headed outside to sit and wait for my good lady wife to pick me up, she was running just a little late I didn’t mind, I did something that I normally never do, I sat out in the sunshine feeling good, to have its ray’s warming my head and neck, the little blue car came around the corner, on board was the hurricane who was happy to see his Poppa (something else I need to work out) and I was dropped off at the house as he was taken to school and the wife got on with her chores.

Everything had gone swimmingly so far, and I had no intention of jinxing it, I had one last appointment for the day, I was being tested for sleep apnea and I needed to be wired for sound, we had a little light lunch and then headed off in the direction of Durham assuming we had plenty of time (danger  warning danger warning), the wife being an expert in avoiding kidnap squads from Havana (she never uses the same route twice) and she took me past where I spent the last ten years of my childhood, nowhere specific just a general direction, and while enjoying the weather and the quiet road we talked.

Rather I waffled on about the session earlier in the day and how I was feeling about the treatment, how it was going and how some of the tricks worked and some of them well, I wasn’t so sure. Again generally just chit chat, the wife seemed happy for me to do the talking and she just asked the odd question in here and there (she should become a therapist) but all of a sudden I got talking about the actual  incident itself, I have no idea how I wandered (blundered) onto it, I just did, and at just the right moment the wife asked me a question (don’t ask I don’t remember) and I just blurted out that it hadn’t been my fault, stunned silence and my wife was nearly in tears, I didn’t know what I had done or said! Of course she asked me to repeat what I had said, I had no clue, she was in tears, I still had no clue, she nearly lost control of the car as she was so stunned, simply because of my statement! then it hit me like a huge wave, washing over me, emotions that I had no idea what to do with them (I still don’t as I write this three days after the event) the wife still in tears, saying that she had been waiting for twenty three years for me to say that it hadn’t been my fault! I had been waiting a lot longer I just hadn’t realised it, this was too much I wanted to get out of the car, I wanted to scream at the world, I wanted to do a million things all at once , I just didn’t know where to start. I was also well aware that we were closing in fast on the hospital for my next appointment and I didn’t want us looking like two heed the balls just walking in off the street (more than we normally do). Thankfully traffic threw us a lifeline, the car park at the hospital is horrific and it gave us a ten minute window to calm down, thankfully we found a spot a lot quicker than normal and we clung to each other as we headed into the hospital!

Thankfully we got in bang on time and we were seen straight away, a false sense of humour with the nurse who dealt with me, and we were back out in the sunshine, me looking rather suspicious, as though I had a bomb strapped to my chest,  and soon as I was left to my own devices, that’s not a good thing, back in the car again head spinning, what to do or say, I wanted to lie face down in food and just eat my way through it, the wife talking at me, I was only getting one in four words, I felt like I had  been in a car crash, crushed disorientated just utterly distraught all because of four little words “it wasn’t my fault” once back in the house I was drained (again) and at some point I crashed and burned and if I am being honest all I wanted to do was sleep, I got my wish just not the way that I really wanted it!

I woke the next day and dragged all of the sleep paraphernalia off me, the nose vent hadn’t stayed in that long, I still have a bruise on my arm where the cables were taped to me, I felt worse than I had in a long while, I felt like I was dragging myself along, people were going to die today if they pissed me off, thankfully that didn’t happen although it came close as I waited for the plague carrier to carry my weary bones home, said individual must have took the hint as he turned and didn’t even attempt to board, I must also have been giving off a weird pheromone because although the plague carrier was full nobody sat next to me, me I didn’t care and as usual I drifted off into a crappy sleep, and awoke as we pulled into the last stop. Friday was more of the same and today has been me on the lookout for something to eat, in the strangest of places!

I still don’t know how to process what I said, if I could do that then I wouldn’t need therapy, plenty to put together, and focus and then try and get my therapist to tell me what it all means! Hopefully a magic wand will be waved (I’m being sarcastic for those of you who don’t know me) and all of my woes will fall from me like this fat suit I have worn for the last ten years, oh I’m funny, well maybe not but something tells me I’m going in the right direction and this particular vehicle is starting to gather speed!