Ring out solstice bells

 

I seem to have been in a better frame of mind these last four weeks, with good intention and a positive outlook, the last month of the year has been generally quite positive, sleeping habits quite normal, eating habits normal, and a weather eye on all that goes on with my mood barometer. My blogging has been helping me, the NHS hasn’t or should I say hadn’t, I finally got my (final) appraisal, we were bang on time for the appointment unlike the person who was there to conduct my appraisal, I saw him hurrying between parked cars going to a staff entrance I didn’t know that he was the person I was seeing, I just noticed how harried he appeared to be, I enquired as if my wife could attend as she might have literally given some fresh insight, but that was frowned upon. I turned up at the right venue this time so was quite calm although apprehensive to be given for the third time the same forms to be filled in before I went through, do I want to hurt myself, do I need drugs the same monotonous questions, I answered them like a robot barely looking at them, I was at the point where I was about to turn around and walk away and be done with it, if this was considered as help fuck them I didn’t want to do it.

Thankfully the gentleman turned up literally as quick as I had completed the forms, I was led through a locked door to an office that was quite sparse but there was daylight (I remember I was thankful of the daylight) and then it began, and I remember feeling spiteful and bitter but not really remembering what we talked about, this was a slightly different tack, but I wasn’t bothered anymore I let my defenses down and answered the questions as truthfully as I possibly could, well I feel as though I did, again I have little memory of the actual conversation, I just felt deflated but not in a bad way. And as quickly as it began I was told I would be eligible for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, but (there’s always a but) I would have to go on a waiting list, I didn’t care I stumbled out to the wife who had sat and waited patiently for me, (I had been over ninety minutes) as I left I remember starting to feel angry, but why I have no idea, the feeling soon left me and the day became just like many others with a feeling of sloth locked in my prison that I have created called home.

But something was different, a seed had been planted and I actually felt better more motivated than I had been in a long while, I wasn’t intending to waste it, I intended to use it for my advantage. The month progressed (as the year has) at a great pace we lost the old man of the house and I was upset, come on a family pet for over seventeen years, I have a reputation for having a heart of stone but I was moved as much as anybody else in the house, He is going to be a huge hole in our life’s needing to be filled, No more pets I couldn’t deal with the emotional wreckage that comes with it. What did come as a surprise was the how well I actually did handle it.

I felt different and although it seems like a horrible thing to say, I felt stronger because of it. I still look for him in his lying places (different places for when it was hot) and I sometimes just sometimes go to unlock the back door to let him out when I’m on early shift, old habits die hard. The month progressed I had more things to think about than me for a change, the wife wasn’t well and thankfully she was going to be seen too (thankfully a lot faster than me) and that was a good thing, hopefully we can chip away at the issues she has (me being one of them) and make her a healthier person in the new year.

I hadn’t had an attack at all in the last month of the year, Then I let down my guard too soon and on Christmas day I had the biggest attack since May, when this thing came to ahead, thankfully I was by myself in the kitchen, trying to sort out the dinner, the wife noticed and thankfully backed off when I answered, I don’t know it was because of what I said or the way that I answered. I fought hard for what seemed to be forever probably not more than ten minutes but I counter attacked, I wasn’t surrendering I was going to be in charge of my day, the bad emotions turned and high tailed  it away, I was full of mixed emotions after the attack happy that I had repelled it but miserable that I had let it get so close that it vaulted my defenses and landed a good few solid blows to my train of thought, I will admit I was bloodied and on the ropes I was heading to the canvas, but inside me was something that was telling me, willing me, screaming at the top of its lungs… GET UP, DO NOT GO DOWN, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE and I did as it told me to I did not go down I stopped I fought back, this as I sit and type sounds melodramatic. I do not intend to let this beat me, the fact that I have asked for assistance proves to me at least, that enough is enough, this is a different me, this is not the same person that I was in May when I was stood in public close to tears, one day at a time going forward,   I refuse to go down I refuse to go down I simply refuse to kowtow I will not be beaten.

 

 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures. The name refers to behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, and to therapy based upon a combination of basic behavioral and cognitive principles and research. Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety and depression use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought. CBT is "problem focused" (undertaken for specific problems) and "action oriented" (therapist tries to assist the client in selecting specific strategies to help address those problems).

 

CBT is thought to be effective for the treatment of a variety of conditions, including mood, anxiety, personality, eating, substance abuse, tic, and psychotic disorders. Many CBT treatment programs for specific disorders have been evaluated for efficacy; the health-care trend of evidence-based treatment, where specific treatments for symptom-based diagnoses are recommended, has favored CBT over other approaches such as psychodynamic treatments.

CBT was primarily developed through an integration of behavior therapy (the term "behavior modification" appears to have been first used by Edward Thorndike) with cognitive psychology research, first by Donald Meichenbaum and several other authors with the label of cognitive behavior modification in the late 1970s. This tradition thereafter merged with earlier work of a few clinicians, labeled as Cognitive Therapy (CT), developed by Aaron Beck, and Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) developed by Albert Ellis. While rooted in rather different theories, these two traditions have been characterized by a constant reference to experimental research to test hypotheses, both at clinical and basic level. Common features of CBT procedures are the focus on the "here and now", a directive or guidance role of the therapist, a structuring of the psychotherapy sessions and path, and on alleviating both symptoms and patients' vulnerability.

I sit here awaiting the New Year with skirling pipes and a fresh start with a cunning plan hoping to go on defeat this issue, I know I’m in a better place than I have been in such a long time, the first step literally has just been taken, but the footing is on solid ground not some shale that will make for a bad footing, hopefully this is the start of something better.