The Grand Scheme Of Things

So I sat one day contemplating my navel and other issues, I realized that this ship that had traveled the seas with me was battered and bruised and at some point I understood that I was in need of some mental TLC.

In general over the last twenty years the episodes that had dogged both my waking and sleeping hours, seemed to have dulled down to just a roar, I was careful as I could be, but from time to time I did slip and sometimes I was negative to the extreme, no matter what I did, no matter what I tried, all the mental exercises, all the breathing exercises nothing seemed to work.

After all this time it was as though I still didn’t have a clue on how to handle something, which I had been dealing with over the years with varying degrees of sanity. It got underneath my guard and basically gave me a few damn good shots to the ribs. I was emotionally detached at times when I really shouldn’t have been, times when there were no reason for flashbacks or seemingly blank moments (thank god I don’t drive). It would just come rushing at me and crash over the top of me as though I was a harbour wall, well the harbour wall got breached and was in a bad state of repair, I had dodged a few moments and was bouncing about like a boxer on my toes trying to regain some composure, regain my breath and I wasn’t winning it was meant to be a fifteen round fight and I was on my uppers by the sixth.

Generally over the last thirty two years I have kept a closed lid on my issues, but as I get older and the group of people that I hang with, my defenses have relaxed, and I mean that in a good way, I’m a lot more comfortable with myself I’m nowhere near as paranoid, I am able to assimilate information and dissect what Is required and not generally get hung up on stuff, Some people tend to see a guy who has a serious side but who likes a laugh and is getting more comfortable with his own skin. It’s not like I want to scratch it off in the process, not like I used to.

Writing I have discovered is a good way for me to relieve myself of all the stress and negativity, some of it has been humorous some of it has been bleak, some of it have been huge flights of fancy with everybody wondering what the hell drugs I have been partaking! but in general I’m hoping it’s been humorous, if you go through all the blogs and books I’m sure there’s a common thread, I’m sure that people realize I’m not the nutter my wife seems sometimes to see. But times spiraled and the writing didn’t help, as I struggled with life the universe and his minions!

I had tons of ideas for writing but for some reason my writing always got black and then blacker and then, well let’s just not go there, so I did loads of writing then realized that if I had published any of it I’m sure I would have been in a padded cell quicker than a streaker at a 1970’s rugby match! So I tried to be selective and I struggled to finish book projects, I had lovingly bashed away at the keyboard but even good things just turned to desolation for no reason what so ever, so the books dried up, not for want of trying, I loved writing and it seemed some of you guys out there did as well, what I did notice the less I wrote the more the depression crept back in and it was more tidal than it had been before, friends went that little bit further to see that I was alright, but the crux of the matter was my issues gathered strength, like some bloody book about a ring and the return of ….yeah you know what I mean. This time though it was nasty it just rode rough shod over everything and I didn’t like it I wasn’t prepared for it and it knew.

Night time was the worst reliving (the day time was just as shitty but I was able to distract my brain) the same six minutes over and over again might seem like a nuisance to some people, but when it’s the only thing that you dream about for nights on end repeating like an old dad’s army episode on some obscure digital channel, it wears you down, to the point that you don’t want to sleep. That in itself is enough to wind people up but I like my job so I have a tendency to go at it at one hundred miles an hour, you need your strength because you soon get worn down. On top of that various issues at home, which by themselves amount to not a lot but throw them in together it’s a heady mix, one which you won’t win and one which won’t let go even if you get down on bended knees to pray to whichever deity you believe in.

Once it had got a hold on the night time it started trying to muscle in on my day time as well, thankfully I can have a bit more control through the day but it got sneaky like a rogue wave every once in a while, it would try and get around behind me, but usually I was able to deflect it out of harm’s way and get away from it quite easily. But then it got a toe hold it wouldn’t let go like a zombie hanging on to your car as you try to speed away, clinging on for all its worth, early evening was the worst because it prayed on my need for sleep and it was banging on the door letting me know it was there and what was coming once I drifted off to sleep.

Then one Sunday afternoon out with friends, for no reason in the world, nothing to set it off, no warning no nothing (and yes I have blogged about it) it was like the D day landings all over again and my problems were the allies and they had a beach head and then in quick succession they stormed through my defenses and I was fucked totally caught with  my guard down and people saw me for the person that I really am, I was close to tears and I couldn’t understand it and then full of regret that I had potentially spoilt peoples day out. It was then after all the trauma of the previous 32 years I decided that I had had enough I needed professional help, and it felt like because I had made that decision my emotions where going to give me the hiding of a lifetime! They did but they didn’t win, I got teary a few more times and when it was really bad I disappeared off to the (cough splutter) gents to recompose myself, the day slid me and the wife attended a gig (go read the bloody blog) and the cycle continued.

I had made an appointment the next day to see the Dr on my first day of my holiday to deal with some skin tags, the wife couldn’t be with me, so she was going to have to trust me, the week went by at a snail’s pace and I had some fantastic support from peeps who I will be eternally grateful to, and finally the day arrived and the wife viewed me with suspicion, I had a reputation for not dealing with my local practice in an adult way, I had a tendency to throw my toys out of the pram if they pissed me off (which was often) but I got there on time (no surprise there) and I actually asked the Dr for some professional help, at which point he became disinterested and said he would write me a letter to the trick cyclists, (army slang I’m sure you will work it out) the first step taken or actually prepared  it appeared as though my bullies backed off  and were worried (yeah fuck you ya bastards!).

That’s not the end of the tale and hopefully the essence of this book (if you’re reading this you must know that I have gone back into book mode) is to what happens next to go through the process for my treatment, this isn’t intended to be a humorous happy book, there could be potentially a few bleak passages, but this is me wanting to be fixed, mended, normal whatever is the buzzword of the day. some of this stuff might be touched on in some context in the blogs, but this will be the full expurgated version, this isn’t to make light of the subject matter, I have some fucking heavy issues that I have carried around with me for quite a while and for the sake of my sanity and the wellbeing of my family I need to sort them out (no I’m not going to harm myself or do anything silly that doesn’t mean that I’m not suffering) so if you can keep all extremities within the car at all times this is going to be a bumpy ride. This is going to be the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth and it’s going to be bloody ugly.

So in the grand scheme of things I’m a molecule but I’m a molecule that wants to do well, be better and hopefully enjoy the last twenty plus years left on this planet. This is my attempt to put up with it no more and a chance for me to hold my head up high and get on with it.