Holidays in the sun

Not for me, but for my therapist, am I that bad really? No I don’t think I am, it appears that some people lead a normal life, so good luck to her and I hope she enjoyed the time off.

Me I was left with a mind fuck of my own making, too many questions and nowhere near enough answers, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, straight after my last appointment, I had actually day dreamed through the appointment trying to construct something to write about as I needed to vent, and vent is exactly what I did, 11000 words of pure bile, not for any other reason than I wanted to vent and not about anything in particular, just bile from the pit of my stomach, if your reading this then you will be aware that that particular 11000 words were honed and whittled down to around 3500, after about eight drafts, and I enjoyed the process it took my mind off what was bothering me, the fact that I had not resolved the issues I had found when I decided to rip the top of this particular can of worms, and they weren’t the fizzy sour jelly kind.

I used to be (as a lad) a quizzical kind of person, always poking here and there and usually looking for the answer (to the meaning of life and what’s the inside of a ping pong  ball made of) I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box (I never claimed to be, but I can usually see enough in the dark if you get my drift) but of late I was happiest when I was switched off, I noticed I was tasking myself to drink copious amounts of drink, not an alcoholic, but just enough to dull the senses, for me to go with the flow on an easier flow! Just trying to get from point A to point B was the order of the day and sod everything else. I was happy as the dull blade, don’t ask questions don’t buck the system; the problem was that the system in reality was just life!

So many questions all of a sudden rose up and kicked me to bits on a regular basis, I wasn’t the happy go lucky person so many of my friends tended to see (I am trying to write with a little light touch of humour as opposed to all the misery I seem to spew) thoughts crowding in and overwhelming me, even work couldn’t resolve my issues, so I realised (long before my treatment started) to take a hold of the reins, and stop getting tipsy in the house, in the run up to last Christmas I don’t think there many stone cold sober moments (nor do I think I would have failed a breathalyser either on the majority) so I put a stop to it, and to be blunt it didn’t help, my brain started getting active, as it happens, about all the wrong things and my get up and go got up and went that a way!

Now after my first appointment in a fortnight I realised I’m acting like Sean Connery in Goldfinger trying to stop a bomb going off by bashing (in this case my own) its brains in using the bluntest of instruments, and it was never going to work, after so many appointments I need to learn something, something that I will be able to use, because at the moment I’m taking grumpy to new levels and have reduced my fuse (in some but not all situations) to merely a micro second as opposed to the long slow burn. I have some new little tricks that help when the bus goes off the reservation so to speak and they do indeed help, but generally speaking I am still reliving this bloody nightmare time after time, day and night and to say I’m a tad tired would be a bit of an understatement!  My treatment cannot simply be me repeating the same spiel week after week it’s not what I signed up for, hell I have been doing that for over thirty years, Now I’m not a qualified therapist and it would appear that I am about to start doing some exercises (mental not physical….phew), but I’m hoping that it’s going to put the brakes on my seemingly dumb ass eating habits, that in itself is bad enough but mix them up with an additional touch of crazy well let’s just say I’m really concerned, and although I want to run the white flag up the flag pole (and don’t think that this is the suicidal point of the book, it’s not I have never been that close to the brink I know I have some pretty major well for me they are issues but I’m not following that rabbit down any damn Rabbit hole) I’m tired of life generally, I feel worn down, life in itself is pretty shitty for most of us and it’s what you make of it that makes it special, well I know I’m not even making an effort and that is what’s wearing me out, I can see myself going down this path and I know it’s a pretty shitty thing to say but I can’t see myself stopping. My therapist insists that I have higher standards for myself (impossible standards for myself) and that is the main problem, so where the hell did that come from?

Thirty years ago I had a flight or flee (or freeze) moment, I froze and I have been on this shitty roller coaster ever since, I haven’t processed the event! What the hell is going to happen when I finally do? Am I then going to process every crappy mistake I have made and blame myself for those because of said incident, now that really has kicked the ball right out of the ball park, and the task is daunting and I just don’t know whether I have what it takes, I work and travel to and from work and then hide in the house, wasting my time away doing as little as possible not being a productive member of the family, never mind society, so where do I go from here? How do I motivate myself? Health issues are kicking (cause I’m a fat bastard) in and that in itself is stopping me in my tracks, I was always a motivated little chap and now everything is just BLUERGH! I’m hoping that when I get fitted with this Gimp Mask for my sleep apnea, that this might help with a whole host of issues, but its motivation that I lack at the moment and I really don’t know whether I can get that back!

Tomorrow I go for a double session and hopefully the road map out of this funk will be unfolded just a little more, I’m not jealous of the life other people have good luck to you and yours! I would just like me to enjoy what I have, and be chilled! I really wonder if the wife will like what she gets at the end of all this, I really hope that lifting of this particular funk doesn’t turn me into someone she doesn’t dislike!