Roadblock

Whenever I sit down to write out these thoughts I normally always go to a classic album of my youth and play music that will usually keep me in good cheer while I’m writing down these deep meaningful thoughts (WTF) today was slightly different I looked for a radio station (yes me) I wanted something with an 80’s vibe with as little chat as possible, I don’t mind what is played it’s the inane chatter that does my head in. Radio station found I settled down to write then to type and then finally to polish, that’s the way I usually do it, if you flick back through the blogs you will soon realise what I have been listening to, with the exception maybe  of the one that is by a South African band from way back in 1980 (yes I know I’m weird) once I have a title and I’m happy with it, it usually points me off in the right direction, today was different my treatment has got me second guessing myself, that’s what I want to write about in this chapter but because of what I am playing (a radio station I know I chose it, but hey ho stick with me) I was drifting until all of a sudden a particular song came on, a very close friend once worked on a rock version with the original producers, although this wasn’t it I remembered that version and hence it also gave me a great title , because I am in deed stuck with a road block (and I won’t tell anybody that it was Stock Aitken and Waterman…….ooops!) once I had the title I was off on a roll, so please if you have stuck with me this far, please feel free to enjoy the rest of this chapter.

I am slowly coming to the end of my treatment, it has lasted slightly longer than I thought it would, me being a sceptic I always thought therapy was the domain of Americans, not us stiff upper lipped British folk, I had buried my head in the sand for so long, it eventually came back and bit me fair and square in my ass, and I was the one suffering, I had had enough so I finally surrendered and asked for help, and to brutally honest it hasn’t been what I thought  it would be, the weight I have been carrying around all these years is slowly but surely being lifted from my shoulders, I know it will be with me until my dying days, but hopefully after this I will be able to fend it off,  whenever it swoops down like some winged harbinger of doom, or rather when I feel a little down. Unfortunately it’s now starting to focus on me and not my issues, erm, no thanks, yuk, can we just focus on the issue in hand and not the can of worms that is my head, if you want to focus on me I think that you might need more than just 20 appointments, let’s just leave it at the fact I don’t like myself and if we stir that particular pot I may not like myself a whole lot more!

It appears I need to have some “me” time, or at least some time with my partner, my wife my rock! We are an odd couple I know that and what we have to a certain degree works; I made my choice so I lie in the bed that I made. I could quite easily kick off and have many major strops about our relationship (as could she) but to tinker would only upset the axis of our relationship, and it’s not me who would suffer, so for the greater cause I shut my mouth and go with the flow, it’s not great and at times it has caused me more major issues than I care to share, it’s our relationship, I know it’s not perfect and I know what the issues are, it has nothing (as far as I’m concerned) to do with my major issue in my life, somebody at a later date more than likely will stick their tongue out and go “I told you so” but for now let’s just deal with the issue in hand and not the can of worms that’s in my head! Let’s just leave it with the fact it’s never going to happen, I have accepted it, let’s see if everybody else can?

It appears I need a hobby (WTF) and I will be brutally honest here, I have thought long and hard on this one, I just can’t think of one, fishing hell no, Art …..I couldn’t draw the dole. It’s just not me, I like music, I listen to it and I like to read, erm nope after that I’m screwed, Mr Boring that’s me, but am I like this because of my issue, or have I just become a sad old man ( I hope I haven’t, but the evidence is starting to stack up). Should I try and reconnect with old friends? I think I’m a little too old to see if little Tommy is coming out to play, if we see each other on the street it’s like old times we stand and shoot the breeze, but to be honest, I have been back in my hometown for over ten years now and only one person knocked on my door and that was simply because he wanted something, once he got what he wanted he faded back into the tree line to disappear, the friends I have now are spread far and wide and I would never just land on their door step going saying “HELLO” time has moved on, again I know where I stand in the grand scheme of things and I have come to accept my lot, I do not feel sorry for myself, it is what it is, suck it up buttercup and get on with life!

Although Me, Myself and I is ok, it’s not all peachy, too be honest I feel so much like a hamster on a wheel, and the only way off it is to shuffle off this mortal coil, again I reiterate I have no intention of causing myself self-harm (although I suppose my eating habits from time to time aren’t always conducive to healthy living) life is a drudgery, some people smoke drink do drugs whatever I seem to fixate on how shit life is, what can I do? Basically keep trudging away until that last step, I’m not going down without a fight, I have always been a biter so watch out! You could say there’s not a lot of spark left in the old spark plug, just enough to keep the three out of four cylinders firing.

There is a big bad world out there and if I don’t have to go out in it I intend not to, more than likely I will sit in my little cave writing and typing the same old spiel, as long as it doesn’t come across as “oh woe is me” that will do me, because believe it or not I do not intend to let this beat me,(contrary to popular belief) one step at a time, even if it’s on the hamster wheel of death, I intend to keep going! So I reckon I have some figuring out to do (and only two appointments to do it in) where I go with my life, well that’s going to be a tough one (more than likely it would take another 1000 appointments to sort that out) but as always I can only do my best and continue to put my best foot forwards and keep heading in the right direction and not go off in some side street called despair, as they said in the olden days Onwards!