So I let the last two appointments go past without
polishing anything that I had written, mostly nonsense and all very harmless, I
noticed a difference in the writing and to me at least I was….dare I say it
happier! No not happier just less grumpy. I was being methodical about my
thought processes and I wasn’t letting anything beat me down, I had been very
emotional seemingly for no reason (or so I thought) I wasn’t used to the sudden
surge of raw emotions, I was told this was nothing to worry about, this was
just my brain getting to grips with a thirty two year emotional problem, so go
with the flow.
All of my bad habits came home to roost and caught
up with me medically, I was diagnosed as being morbidly obese, I had sleep
apnoea and the one I knew I was dreading had finally caught up to me in this
game we call tag, not only did it tag me it kicked me right in my bad knees, it
was confirmed I had type two Diabetes (my own self-inflicted wound) although I
have tried many times I never quite succeeded to beat my compulsive eating
habits, when I was down or not wanting to deal with reality, my head would go
to the fridge and I would just eat my
weight in crap, nothing strange like cookie dough in the yard at stupid o’clock,
why in the yard? well with no witness’s it was just me and what was sort of to
hand, I noticed that I had stopped I was only having a couple of biscuits with
a cup of tea and not the packet, I felt the earth move and I grooved in the
right direction.
There was other subtle differences that other people
saw, I admit I didn’t someone actually called me quite mature for someone so
young (WTF…..oh yes I had shaved my beard off) that’s not to say all was good
with the world it wasn’t but it did feel better. My sleeping was different as
well as I had been sleeping with the aid of my mask, the first few nights were
weird and I have a habit of pulling it off about five hours in, I’m thinking
that if I don’t I may not fall back to sleep at all, I’m sure we will get it
sorted. And although it’s taking me longer to get to sleep initially, damn I
feel good when I wake up, sleeping less but feeling better I will take that any
time!
Music that thing that has been my constant companion
through life is creeping back in a more positive way, more poppy than doom and
gloom type stuff, I even took the time to settle down and read a book, it has
been a while I can tell you, but that’s where the good news ends I still sit at
the back of the house not wanting to get involved, cunning plans from the night
before are discarded the next morning, when I’m sitting looking out of the window for my
little black cloud, waiting for it to nip in and give me a kicking. Sometimes a
sense of foreboding isn’t very far away! So what to do? Well if I’m honest I
have not got a clue other than to keep putting my best foot forward. Sorting
myself out on all fronts is the direction to go, to stop the eating obsessing
and generally being a moody pain in the ass, can I do it? More than likely not,
but I’m damned if I’m not going to give it my best shot!
I find myself choosing to ignore many trivial things
that are going on in my orbit (mainly work) trying to not obsess on the minutia
that floats through your life with no meaning at all. Shaking my head on a more
regular basis, I’m also not as helpful, I believe I am putting myself first
(sometimes) and if I don’t want to do it, I sure as hell have no intention of
doing it, I know this whole process is just the first step of the whole process
and I know I have a long way to go, I am aware that I have five appointments
left of my therapy, then I will be cut adrift, hopefully better prepared with
the tidal sensation of emotions, the incident isn’t going to go away, I’m not
under any illusion about that, but I have a new skill set to deal with it and
it needs to be used more frequently, the old ways need to be thrown overboard,
left to their own devices.
Sullen is the description that I will miss the
least, it’s how I have been feeling for so long, I’m just beginning to realise
that I’m wasting what life I have left, that’s not me being pessimistic just a
realist damn I will be fifty soon and I have been behaving a petulant teenager
at times and the only loser in any of the scenarios that play out in my life is
me! Again I know I’m not going to be the life and soul of the party overnight
(not that I really want to be) but at least participating should look pretty
good, I can only hope.
With the last five appointments approaching I now
have to get a game plan sorted and make sure that I don’t drift back into bad
habits, I need to see what the end game looks like, I suppose realistically
there is always the potential for me to have a meltdown, but hopefully nowhere
as severe as they have been in the past, A new game so some new rules, I have a
few body swerves that seem to work, my next appointment is going to be a
difficult one as we intend for want of a better expression “Poke The Bear” more
than likely the next chapter title, again I’m not looking forward to it, but if
I am indeed to put my best foot forward then I shall be poking the bloody thing
with the biggest sharpest stick I can find, I’m so far up this bloody hill I
can see the top, well I want to make it
there and keep marching on.
With the end of the treatment nearly upon me then
this book shall also be finished, not without some serious polishing, I have
had a bleak time of it, but I’m not going to let it beat me, I may have been on
the ropes a few times over the last thirty plus years and I have stared over
the edge a few of those times, I’m not a quitter, I will never stay down, knock
me on my arse, and I will get back up, I will not go quietly into the night, I
will go kicking and screaming because I want something that other people have
had for a long time, I want some peace for myself, I hope that’s not too much
to ask for, if it is then I intend to steal some peace and everybody can go
kiss my ass, so as I sit here typing and polishing this thing, I intend to keep
chipping away at the stone.
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