Hole in the sky

So March drifted on and I was feeling slightly disjointed, I didn’t feel as though the treatment was actually achieving anything, a close friend was taken seriously ill and I felt unworthy of any attention and really just wanted to show some support. I felt disconnected to a lot of things and I was simply being destructive, eating too much and generally not being healthy, being secretive (food wise). Work the thing that I usually lose myself in when this mood hits me wasn’t doing anything  either, I was totally disinterested, my focus was elsewhere and I was completely apathetic.

I had another session and there’s an elderly lady that is in before me and she came out completely distraught, I realised I was totally disinterested, totally unfeeling towards this person and her issues, I felt numb and I really didn’t care, I strolled towards my session on the couch( a chair really, put me on a couch and I would be a sleep in seconds) I have not been anything but polite, I’m not sure if my therapist realised my funk, but straight away she started in on me, and I didn’t bite once, yet she kept wheedling away at me (in the nicest possible way) chip, chip, chip not a response, the session seemed as though it was a repeat of the previous ones and I was starting to think sod it! I answered the questions truthfully, the first time I have ever been really honest about my issues, what is the point of asking for help if I’m going to waste the opportunity. I left after the session feeling numb! No change no difference what was this supposed to be doing to help? Nothing as far as I could see, in reality it was helping I just hadn’t realised it!

The next session was cancelled and I shrugged my shoulders and got on in my grumpy way with life, I never gave it another thought, work and life in general were ever present but I wasn’t happy, but there’s nothing new there is there? The week dragged and I ended up with a bad case of gut rot, something I wish I could have avoided, 24 hours of no food and only liquids being taken as I was sinking slowly but I had to go, I suppose I have a slight case OCD, off I went to work with the wife threatening me because I wasn’t well, that’s just the way to get me to stay off threaten me, the day dragged as I was suffering quite badly, I chained myself to my desk so  that I wasn’t far from the nearest convenience!  I finally turned up for my appointment (early as always) and again the same old dear slipped out silently this time I couldn’t quite get a grasp of how she was ( or why was I even bothered) and at that moment I got angry, really angry, angry with myself for the apathy I was projecting to everybody, anger towards my therapist for missing my appointment the previous week, actually I was being delusional, in reality I was being angry with myself.

Thankfully as always there’s a window that I can look out of when I don’t have an answer, or if I’m feeling just uncomfortable, today was going to be the latter in a big way! The session started differently and straight away I felt as though I was on the back foot I was being asked awkward questions, why awkward? Well it’s because I had shut them out, I had avoided them, I pushed them to one side and blatantly ignored them, there was about to be some home truths, and as we all know the truth does indeed hurt!

My therapist had never been combative with me, but she laid it out that things were going to be worse before they get better (WTF) that’s not why I had come. I wanted the magic wand treatment and for all of my issues to melt away, it finally dawned on me,  the previous weeks had actually been the artillery barrage to soften up the target (that’s me) and now the real battle began, some real probing shots, which when put across in the manner that they were, well let’s just say I was stopped in my tracks just a couple of times, and that window was greatly appreciated, there were a number of emotions, mainly anger, and actually mainly because I had never got angry about it before! 32 years and not once did I get angry that the only thing I ever wanted to do was whisked away, and that I didn’t do anything about it, not that I could have, I was given quite a descriptive view on my condition. PTSD how could that be, quite easily it would appear. Some stunning conclusions and again I was on the ropes, I cried I’m not ashamed to say this I cried quite a lot, but still anger wasn’t very far from the surface.

It would appear that I shut most of the trauma out of mind, I had processed it just not put it in the right place in my brain, I will admit there was a number of things that were explained I understood what was being said, but I couldn’t dream that I could explain these things to you the discerning reader, and amongst the tears and anger was actually a dawning of some common sense, My therapist kept chipping away at the same things and I answered truthfully, then she asked me a question I didn’t expect and I answered truthfully and way to quickly “ what do you think about yourself?” “ I don’t like myself at all” damn I should have thought before answering that one, at least counted to three but the words just flew out of my mouth, the answer wasn’t a surprise it would seem, I just don’t think she expected me to be so truthful and to reply so bloody quick!

I now wanted this to end, I wanted to get the hell out of dodge, I even considered just getting up and leaving, to what avail and my guts were starting to stir an added concern I could have done without! More explanation of my condition and what had happened, I was now trying to dissect those six minutes like never before and for once I couldn’t, and this upset me, the session lasted over 90 minutes when normally they just last 60! My therapist seemed to be quite happy with the way things went, with the anger the crying I suppose emotions were being vented something I hadn’t done before in the sessions, then just as we were about to finish my little black cloud nipped in and gave me the kicking I hadn’t asked for, I was drained, I was told to think of something that made me happy, I thought About my wife, don’t ask me why, I just did she popped in there, damn there goes my credibility! I thought of how I had proposed, I thought of my daughter and her recent return to the scene of that particular crime to act in a major film, and it made me happy, there’s something I hadn’t been in a very long time!