Brick wall dead ahead emotions spiraling all
around but thankfully positivity has been the order of the last few days, I
reckon I could have taken on the world these last two days, but outside
negativity and emotional turmoil in a friends life hasn’t been held in check
and now I chase after their emotional tails like a fox on the run, I feel like
I’m running around a bloody light house with no chance of catching the bloody
things!
It’s a long time since I have been this
emotionally stable but I can feel the sands filtering away slowly and I’m not
sure how to stop it, my life is being like a bloody rollercoaster and it’s been
heading upwards for the last couple of days I prefer when it keeps to an even
keel, I’m like a kid in the seventies having a rush with all the additives, and
I can see the wall, I can see it sitting there smugly, lulling me into a false
sense of security knowing full well it will knee cap me (emotionally) sooner
rather than later.
As I type this all I can say is bring it on,
at this moment in time I could take on the world I really don’t care, who or
what it is come on ya bastard! But no it’s content to sit there like the
malevolent force that my brain is. It is gearing up to grind away like an old
siege machine on a castle wall and just grind me into submission, but it’s not
all about me though is it, if it was just about me then I would be fine and
dandy walking down the street clicking my heels, good feelings never last and I
dread having them because I know what’s at the other side, I feel as though I
have done everything in my power to brace the coming storm I didn’t understand
why all of a sudden I had this upturn in my emotional wellbeing, I soon gripped the side when I
realized it was heading out into the stratosphere, I knew I had no other option
but to hang on, that’s why I have been so tired on the nighttime my emotions
have just wiped me out completely, sleep has been like the sleep of the dead
with no recollection of anything, a good thing most would think considering
what I go through most nights, I’m not happy about it, at least this time I
have been enjoying the moment and staying happy for as long as I can living
within the moment feeling all the sharp things trying to burst my bubble.
So far so good but this is virgin territory
for me and all the things that go with it, my emotions normally fall like
domino’s and this time they aren’t what kind of new hell is this going to turn
into, my bubble is intact but wearing thin and I would rather have it burst now
not when I’m away from home , not at work, not travelling I know I am going to
struggle with this one, I know I’m going down but I intend to go down swinging,
I’m frightened but relaxed about it, and that in itself is a huge weight off my
mind, but it’s all new, I’m not happy I’m itchy about it and still the emotions
are running thick and fast I want to drink (I have resisted) I want to eat (I
have resisted to a much better degree than normal) I feel as though I want to
go and howl at the fucking moon!
Anger is the emotion that does the damage and
I can’t vent it really, it is just one long primal scream, blood on my
conscious, impending doom waiting with his co-conspirator paranoia, anger is
not a beautiful emotion and its one I have no idea how to quantify it, I have
only ever let rip once before and I trashed an entire bathroom with the sink
going through the window (there were other issues like adultery etc etc going
on in the back ground) but rather that than end up in jail, not that I have any
intention of harming anybody or even myself but anger is there and it has me
scared, I’m still at my post I haven’t abandoned all hope, but it knows it has
beaten me many times before.
Life passes by and in a blink of an eye it
goes from happy to sad, sentimental to angry, level headed to full blown
paranoia, so quick it’s like trying to catch lighting in a bottle! So now I sit
here on edge deliberately pushing myself to the downward spiral, should I do it
because I know it will level out at some point, but will it, or will it just take
me down a rabbit hole I have no intention of going. This is my life everyday
every night,
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