It finally happened I received an appointment, my
treatment is actually going to happen, I had been rereading the drivel that was
the first ninety nine chapters, I was determined to stop feeling sorry for
myself, I had returned to writing with a vengeance, most of which will never
see the light of day, random thoughts on nothingness, just written because I
could, a number of note books filled with the written (scribbled) word. I had
started to climb the hill again, determined not to be pushed back, determined
not to take any prisoners and as a whole my outlook had indeed been positive
(well for me), work was overwhelming me simply with the amount, but not beating
me, I was trying to do my best in all of my walks of life, this was a good time
for me, not the best but positivity seemed to be keeping me company and I was
grateful of his presence as both daytime and night time had gone to a level
playing field and a truce with my issues seemed to have been called!
I received a letter telling me that I had a date with
destiny, and that set my hopes soaring, not off into the stratosphere, but I
genuinely feel as though somebody had thrown me out a line. The build up to the
appointment was what Christmas is portrayed as, a heady mix of excitement and of
not knowing what’s coming your way. I went to work and I have to admit I was on
tender hooks the day couldn’t go quick enough, I clocked out and had done an
early shift so as not to lose any work time, my lift dropped me off at the
designated area, and I walked through the door full of dread and awe!
I was met by the same receptionist I had seen since day
one and she asked me yet again to fill in the same forms that I had done while
awaiting for treatment, the look on my face must have said it all, as she
informed me “you won’t have to fill these in again” then I sat and waited, the
only other occupant of the waiting area was a gentleman who was obviously
strung out on some form of medication as he sat and ticked and twitched waiting
for his allotted time. Then the door swung open and my name was called, it felt
like a dream, like slow motion, my doctor was female and younger than me (isn’t
everybody :- younger than me that is) I followed her down the corridor to the
room where I done my previous assessment (thank god for the daylight in this
instance as well) and then we talked, and yes
I got emotional, I told my tale, she listened, asked relevant questions
and actually pointed me to a safe harbour when I got really emotional (how the
hell did that happen) the levee burst and it wasn’t the stream of raw emotion I
had expected, I felt relatively detached from it, I felt I was sat in the
corner watching other people converse. But no that was me and I just let it go,
told the truth didn’t hold it back and it felt just like Christmas, a sense of
wonder and genuine happiness, as soon as it had started it was over and I was
told I would be seen the same time on the same day the next week, was that
it? I was shell shocked I didn’t
understand, had I done something wrong, no I hadn’t my hour was up! It had felt
like ten minutes but no it had flowed so quickly, did I feel better after it,
I’m not sure I just know I didn’t feel unhappy so that in itself was a good thing.
The following week I turned up on time for my appointment
having dissected the previous weeks appointment in my head over and over again,
looking for things that hadn’t sat right
or things where there could be issues, or even if they had decided I was at
fault, I couldn’t see it, I was so unsure of myself this was unfamiliar
territory, I was trying to cling to familiar bits of wreckage, the flotsam and
jetsam that usually swirl through my life (in my mind at least) but there was
nothing to cling to my mind was off on flights of fancy elsewhere, I have to
admit my concentration wasn’t as good as it should have been at work, was I
overthinking this? I had to give my head a shake, I couldn’t see any negatives,
I didn’t trust this, I was feeling decidedly uneasy (but confident) as I sat
down for appointment number two. The wind was blowing in a different direction
and although I was caught off guard I really shouldn’t have been. This time
this was all about my family my life before the army, I know I got antsy about
the term broken home and the Dr scribbled furiously as I said I wasn’t from
one, but it all seemed positive, again it seemed like ten minutes, and again I
was being led out back through the locked door back to reception, I still felt
good, I just wasn’t sure what this was going to achieve, I truly was in
uncharted waters but I was told we would have a game plan at the next
appointment, this time I really did go over everything, I made written notes on
the way home and again I was surprised how much I had spoken over the sixty
minutes and how little prompting there had been, it flowed slowly but
passionately (I Hope) and truthfully, I wasn’t sure what was going on, but
surely there had to be more to it than this, why had I not come forward to ask
for help before this, then I remember the army method of stilted questions and
my surly approach of one word grunts and the Dr reaching for his prescription
pad, me walking out ripping at the end of the appointments tearing up the
prescription, not trusting the system in anyway shape or form.
Then my life was turned upside down, my problems paled
into insignificance, my best friends had their world ripped to bits, I have
written about them frequently although never named, but if you know me
personally then you know who they are! E has been my biggest ally in my fight
with my problems, with quiet confidence she pushed me to blog, initially after
enjoying the first few and realising that I was a happier person for doing
them, E had had a stroke and also a possible aneurism, me and the wife are
devastated, and we have actually spent the last week trying to do some kind of
support system for G who is a rock amongst the maelstrom of devastating
emotions that have shock all of our friends this week, what has this got to do
with the book I have been writing about my emotional state, well to be honest
everything, the friends I have now are more precious to me than any other
friends that I have had at any other time in my life, they take me for the
person that I am now and have shown me so much courage and have empowered me to
take charge of this thing we called life, I have no intention of losing any of
them not now after having struggled this hard to find them.
In amongst all of this turmoil I had to go for my third
appointment, and I wasn’t feeling it, I hated the world and his uncle, the
unfairness of life how a person can be stuck in a microcosm of life, as the
world continues to spin through the darkness called space, I have struggled to
find answers to continue with everything this week, this week’s appointment was
a rerun of week one, verifying my facts probably, seeing if I’m a liar well
that’s how I felt, I felt a fraud like I was cheating, one of my best friend’s
lying there fighting for survival and here’s me whinging for my existence. With
all of my heart I would swop places instantly, I feel as though their life
means more to others than mine, I know as this part of the book is read by my
wife I am in trouble, I don’t care at this moment, I make no excuses for
feeling emotional, the out pouring of love for both E & G is overwhelming,
nobody would miss me that much and she deserves so much better, a nicer more
honest person you wouldn’t meet anywhere, the treatment hasn’t helped me this
time and all of my dark feelings have turned up with all their friends and then
some! Thankfully as I did a good deed and walked A to the metro after she had
visited one night through the dark university grounds, she discussed how her treatment had gone, as
she had just completed her treatment for completely other reasons, she gently
coaxed out of me how it was going and gave me just a little shove in the right
direction, otherwise I think I would have foundered my bilge pumps had stopped
working and I was indeed going down, and I was going down without a fight, I
didn’t want to go back to the hospital thankfully she guided me back towards
some light, that first wave had nearly sunk me, I have to admit that it was
more like a tsunami than a wave and I have been pointed the back in the right
direction to a safe shoreline, I pray every night for both of my friends and I
realise that my problems amount to nothing compared to theirs, at this moment I
need a star to guide me and that star is lying in a hospital bed fighting for
her very existence, At this point I feel the need to point out that my wife is
now and has always been my rock these last twenty two years, she has saved my
sanity, but she is helping so many others and is having to deal emotionally
with so much, I can’t drag her down with me, other friends although not taking
the full brunt have all pointed me in the right direction, all at the same time
and I will thank (and name them all) in full in the foreword of this book, I
feel so helpless and I don’t feel at this moment in time I’m actually helping
anybody.
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