Euphoria

So here I am just over a week after the initial appraisal and the NHS is running silent running deep, not even a smoke signal to indicate that I’m drawing breath. I know I’m now a small part of an even larger machine and the space time continuum hasn’t even probably taken another breath in the grand scheme of things, it’s now a case of hurry up and wait.

The euphoria that I was feeling of actually making the first step towards rescue, has soon subsided it lasted in reality a little more than twenty four hours and then that little black cloud popped up and followed me at a safe distance,  all the time I was a damn sight more positive than I had been for quite a long while. But it ebbed away like a bag of sugar with a hole in it, granules slowly slipping away, and the cloud just grew day by day.

I tried to stay happier and I hope I succeeded, but although outwardly I was the picture of happiness and helpfulness, inside I was back to bitter old ways and the festering inside, it was simmered away and as I sit here now I know I’m resentful of the world and his bloody Uncle.

My patience which is legendary (cough splutter) is wearing thin and how as I always tend to have a happy smiley face most of the time (cough splutter I really must get to the doctor to see about this cough)I have a tendency to snap back straight away, some wag actually put a beware of the dog sign on my desk, oh how I laughed as I destroyed it in front of everybody (it’s the thought that counts) it’s a really good way of clearing an office. I even had an informal discussion with one of the senior managers who enquired “how is it going? “  “I have decided not to put up with fools” was my reply to which he sharply buggered off in the general direction of which he came. At least I didn’t answer “we have decided not to put up with fools” because that really would have sent people scurrying away looking for one of those coats with the sleeves that buckle at the back!

That’s not to say that I’m being overly aggressive at all, I’m just doing what everybody else does, rather than being the helpful person that I usually am (don’t snigger I really do try to help anybody and everybody) for some reason at the moment I’m not, Now I know that this isn’t good for me, I require as much sunshine for my soul as possible and believe it or not I am of my own accord trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I don’t intend to let my moods slide, I’m under no illusion that I will be a happy as a bug in a rug, but I do understand if I don’t try and keep myself on a level playing field then the world and his said Uncle will indeed suffer, but so will I and to be honest that’s exactly what has been making me unhappy.

I’m led to believe I should take charge of the ship that I’m in charge of, but I feel helpless too because as I have said previously (many times) that the world has a tendency to operate in Grey where as I have always tended to operate in black and white (please insert appropriate football joke here). I think I am more worried for others than myself, because at times I have a tendency to be a tad blunt! I even have a reputation of not thinking through what I should actually say. The fact that I don’t care is a worrying sign and although we have been together twenty two years I can’t actually see the wife putting up with what I have put up with over the years.

Now that’s not to say that I am bullied or anything else, I’m not but for the bulk of time I have just gone with the flow, which helps the wife who in turn does help me, but some things annoy me, she has a tendency to ignore me when she needs too (again most of the time and again I usually don’t have an issue with this) I’m aware that with my issues at the moment, I’m hoping not to flare up and cause diplomatic issues between us as two neighboring parties lets call the wife Russia (because she has all the firepower) and I’m Finland (cold but a devious little shit) if you know your history you will understand. The gun boat diplomacy is wearing thin and I crave breathing space not independence, but I can see how this spiral’s out.

My moods need to remain stable and for  me not to be the bitter pill I can be, and although it doesn’t take much for me to be said bitter pill in my own sweet way I am indeed trying very hard to, I will admit to the fridge and all of it’s contents are increasingly on my mind as I look for the next fix to get me through the mood swings, that as sure as god made little apples are back in full flow, the vicious circle of needing to lose weight for my knees and then the balance of being unhappy and then trying to eat my weight (and believe me that’s a lot of weight) of whatever is edible inside, does this help me of course it doesn’t but do you  think that bothers my insidious little black cloud, it’s just sat there waiting for me, waiting for me to drop my cover so it can slide in between my defenses and burrow it’s way into my subconscious.

Work isn’t helping life isn’t helping people in general aren’t helping, but at the moment I’m still waving and not drowning, positivity is there at least helping me keep an even keel on an even keel, but the longer I sit (not quite literally) tied to the phone like an expectant father, there’s a general feeling this needs to happen sooner rather than later, after waiting so long the levee is about to burst its banks and I don’t really want to be held responsible for what will come streaming through, for any of the inhabitants, because this has the potential to make Hurricane Katrina look like a summer shower.

 Hopefully the next chapter ( I’m attempting writing these on a regular basis) will still be reasonably chirpy, I know this one has steered from its path a little but it’s not all doom and gloom we haven’t quite boarded the Titanic yet it may be coming into dock but it’s not tied to the dock accepting paying passengers just……..yet!