OK so the title is total Bollocks but go with the flow and try and humour me....please!
Me angry with the world nah that doesn't sound right, does it? (go figure) Am I indeed the angriest man in the world....no of course not (our house maybe) but when people say that I can be angry! sarcastic! short!(OK so you might just get the picture)I have a tendency to shrug my shoulders and go "oh they don't really know me" "it doesn't mean anything" but you know what it's fecking horse shite it has taken me 47 years for me to actually shed some light on those things we call feelings (pretty damn fast for a bloke I know) and guess what I am fecking angry! angry about a lot of things but lets get there shall we (see I'm even angry with myself for being angry) how dare the world try and dictate to me the way I feel, even if you connect to the modern world in just the slightest way you have every bloody right to be angry!
In me anger rises up constantly (assuming that the wife hasn't been able to dose me with some wacky tablets) and lets be honest, because that's what the blog is all about, anger is good! it clenches my stomach muscles more than I ever would in a natural kind of way! it adds hours and hours of productivity to my writing (have you really read the previous books/blogs?)It's a constant reminder that I'm glad I live in England a place where thankfully I would never ever be allowed to own a gun! It makes writing with a pen an opportunity to practise throwing things when it all goes horribly wrong (don't try that little exercise with a laptop boys and girls) it adds some real sizzle to caffeine products (one reason why I don't drink coffee) It tells me what I want to hear (I'm fine, honest I'm OK, fester fester fester) It proves that my doctor is a feckwit and that I have no need to slow down, It keeps Knuckledraggers at arms length and it encourages me to blog about inane things at random points in the week!
So why do I have the right to be angry? I don't I am tired so when I get tired I get angry, and I'm annoyed with myself so once again I get angry (with myself I hasten to add)I seem to be angry an awful lot these days that just points out to me that I'm not happy if I'm not happy then the people around me will not be happy and I wouldn't be able to sleep (yeah me with my reputation) at night if I thought I was the cause of somebody else to be unhappy, the main problem I have already alluded to earlier it has taken me 47 years to get in touch with my feelings and I have to hold up my hands and admit I haven't got fecking clue, there are so many things going on out there in the world with close friends worrying about family members struggling with ill health and I don't hear them get angry so what gives me the right to be angry!
Slightly unhappy is what I should really admit to! yes but no need to pile my woes on to anybody else's shoulders, we had intended to go to a birthday party but because of me being (very unhappy) and me actually for once me making the financial decision, we stayed in on Sunday and we missed a birthday treat for A but what we didn't miss was the arse hole who threw his beer bottle over the wall and smashed the cars windscreen (it never rains but it heaps down) any financial stability that we have been trying to sort has just gone into meltdown, all we can do is hold our breath/nerve (delete the appropriate one) and limp to the end of the month. I have been invited to an opening of a champagne bar and then onto to a fancy restaurant in Newcastle (Fat Buddha are they trying to tell me something) but I can't/won't go, because everybody has oodles of cash and know how to behave in adult company I don't have any so common sense dictates that I sit in the background and not play! So again I feel anger welling up in me I should be in a comfortable place I shouldn't have to sit it out, I'm just as good as the rest of the people, but I always feel like the grubby faced kid with his face pressed into the window looking in from the outside!
What will I do ? well what I always do I will bottle it up and push it as far down as I possibly can and try (hahaha) and move on with my life, I will try and keep it together because that's the adult thing to do but I feel like all the time that I'm picking at threads on a thread bare coat and the problem is if I pick at the wrong thread it will be me that unravels. Its time to take stock or even just a deep breath before I jump off into the darkness I have the well being of others to consider so its time for me to grow a set and man up and get on with it! I don't think the writing has been helping as much as I thought as the amount of bile that has been pouring out of me would rate as a bigger ecological problem than BP had in the gulf of mexico and although my intention was to add to previously written stuff and hopefully polish it and make it happier (hahaha never going to happen) I have decided to jettison the fourteen chapters as they really are unfit for human consumption. so I have decided this shall be the last unhappy blog I write for a while (they can never always be happy jolly go lucky affairs) and by Friday I intend to be happy (well that's if the medication kicks in...actually nah lets not go there) remember I'm OK but there are always others who could do with your help or your prayers so until then Toodles!
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