Thank god it's Christmas

Yes I know an obvious (crap) title for the blog, but that's the level of enthusiasm I have at the moment, my spirits have been slowly sinking, hey if you have read the previous blogs/books you know why, its my kryptonite, I just have to get past the 24th then I'm hoping things will have to improve.

I have had loads of you bleating at me about lack of blogs to be honest I have tried and although they were all right they weren't a special kind of right, so I didn't post them, I know there is usually loads of mistakes in here, but the two or three I have on the go will have to be polished, yes they are historical just not quite there yet, I knew I had to get something out and this could potentially be the last blog.....................of this year, I just need some uumphf, my get up and go has ran ahead of me and is sitting just up the road ahead of me laughing at this fat oaf out for breath shaking his fist!

Lots of cunning plans and curve balls have been the order of the day, but before we go any further my intention above anything else is my health this really does need to be addressed and that's where my priority lies next year, I have a huge pile of priorities but that is the one leading the pack, yes I know I had my treatment earlier in the year and some of you think I should be all happy as Larry (if I ever meet this Larry, boy am I going to kick his Ass) but in reality it has opened a can of worms with some of them escaping and me now overthinking my life the universe and everything, now no its not as debilitating as what my other issue was, its what I would call small speed bumps and obstructions and I have to work out how to weave my way around them.

Socially I know I need to improve as I'm aware that I am becoming slightly (cough splutter f***ing slightly) anti social, purely because I'm over thinking stuff, nothing to worry about (hopefully) I just need to get back on track and I include everybody in that sweeping statement family, friends and pets , work is way down the pecking order but I can see storm clouds on the horizon and its in my own best interest its time to batten down the hatch's and try to wait it out!

Music is the only thing that has been driving me on and as always my taste isn't to everybody's, I don't care as long as it gets me through the day, we are now in plague carrier season so I better have every musical device fully charged just to get me through the journey out in the real world, the journey to the asylum isn't too bad but coming home it's shocking, mothers and their prams rammed full of shopping and all other manner of lunatics if it wasn't for my knees I would bloody well walk it!

So with a deep breath I prepare for the onslaught of crap, my turkey is out defrosting ready for the big day, the one thing I love about Christmas is cooking the main meal, even if I blow my own trumpet I don't half do a cracking dinner, or so my captive audience tells me so! Its been a strange year blog wise some good some bad some funny some not so funny and as far as I can remember I didn't go off into rant mode......did I? hopefully the new year will be bringing (as requested) more historical before my dementia sets in and less of the oh whoa is me type of blog. the numbers have been consistent some floating above others but usually around the same figure over the course of the reading period, I have done what I set out to do no more than one blog a week (thankfully helped by what was going to be the book) and if I can manage it that's my aim for next year as well.

Two old friends from the old blog have resurfaced and although my previous one was done under my name and this one isn't, once they settled in to read the old blogs they soon recognised (so they claim - I hope the rednecks don't do the same) my style (I have a style???????) and they enjoyed catching up (so they claim) they even entered into the spirit and did the name games so welcome back Jesse from Sweden and Aldo from Sicily why the hell you would want to read the ramblings of an old man from the North of England I have no bloody idea, but hey ho nice to see you back.

So play nice be nice and don't do horrible things because karma is a bitch (I must have been a real horrible person in a previous existence) I hope you all get what you want and that the coming year is better in every way, I thank you for your time, your comments and most of all for the genuine love that a lot of you have sent over the last 12 months, so onwards dasher and prancer or whatever Bambi needs to be called HO HO HO and all that festive crap, play nice and I will see you on the other side of the new year keep watching the skies and keep spreading the disease, click on whatever like or share buttons you have to because I'm a right media whore until the next time........Toodles!

Darling Nikki

It was time to get back on the horse in our social life, the wife had been like the walking dead and me well I was just going to have to suck it buttercup, I had the day to make myself pretty (yeah right) and the good lady was at work, we were on a tight turnaround but I knew we could do it.

I had a lazy day did a few chores (little and often is the key) listened to some music and waved the wife off on her way to work, I then listened to some more tunes and generally pottered, I check the numbers of the blogs (yes I am still addicted) watched the footie in the afternoon dealing with a devil dog that basically misses his mum (the wife) and wants out every two minutes, but the afternoon flowed quite well......almost the wife finished her shift then tried to get home, traffic as always from the asylum is problematic at the best of times, but peak time on a Saturday hahahahaha good luck with that, so after a few frantic messages I managed to calm her down from 50000 feet and get her on the right direction.

She then diverted to pick our youngest home (from the Kraken's) so she could look after the devil dog at this moment in time I'm still not ready. I had prepared a proper meal for everybody coming back, gently trying to grease the wheels so we can get the hell out of dodge back to Gateshead, the wife then becomes a whirling dervish attempting to get ready, and yes you  guessed it I still wasn't ready, the wife running up and down the stairs me I gently wander up the wooden hill, washed, teeth cleaned and dressed, there you go that's how you do it, the wife you guessed it still not ready but on a roll and it looked like we were going to be out of the house at the allotted time (yeah right ........actually we were).

Surely the wheels had to come off at some point? ah there you go I spat my dummy out at the top of the street then sat in a huff (not that the wife noticed) all  the way to our destination, I feel a blog coming all about double standards (at some point) it is true though nice guys do indeed finish way behind the pack! I had a vague idea where we were going having been at a wedding reception at the venue about thirty years ago (how bloody old am I?)  we still managed to drive by and overshoot but a quick hand brake turn (only kidding although I bet the wife would love to do one) we finally arrived and drove in through the out door and parked up.

Once through the doors equilibrium was restored, so many faces from the past thirtyish years and my nerves were gone, people greeting me and the wife and generally being friendly the only concern it was such a huge concert hall it was being heated by gas fires (I very nearly hyperventilated and went into fire safety mode........NOT) some great company some fantastic conversation and generally a great gig from the one and only Dan Reed (of the Dan Reed Network go look him up music lovers) which was simply fantastic, I saw the man and his band at Newcastle riverside roughly 25 years ago and the gig is still in my top five of all time, the show last night with one man and his guitar was very nearly up there with it,not top five but top ten an awesome gig by a genuinely nice man.

As always don't expect a review but the high point of the evening was Stronger than steel one of the many tracks I put on many mix tapes for my wife when I first met her (oh what a soppy git I was), the lyrics just hit the right spot every time. more chat and a turn of events that nobody expected that our famously Gentile Mr Jimmy Gill has turned into a hard nosed hit man known as Tattooed Jimmy it turns out we are safe as long as he hasn't got his pointy shoes on or at least that's  the rumour! some great joy at the expense of Mr Curry because a particular T shirt One your Feet............ and Jimmy's new nick name well I suppose you just had to be there, G was flashing his ring (oo er) Bri Burton or as we know him Albus Dumbledore.......well he does look like a professor, and lots of others Including everybody in the world who I said I would do cd's for (honest I didn't know that you lot were going to be there) Darling Nikki the birthday girl even got Glen up to dance well what ever next you might get me and Jimmy up to dance..........not with each other I hasten to add.

The night as always ended way too early, we even bumped into some of the South Shields massive tucked away in the corner, we beat a hasty retreat and headed back to Gimpsville before the wife crashed and burned with a head from hell, oh the things we do for our art. once home the youngest had a cuppa ready for us and the dog from hell was just so damn happy to see us....go figure! once sorted I navigated everybody including said hell hound to our respective pits so we could rest easy and wait for the morrow.

The dawn came and I was awake early just lying listening to the house and all things quiet, realising I'm not the misery I thought I had become, yes I'm getting older and I will never turn into that spotty 16 year old I was, some might say  that's a good thing, but here I am at 50 trying to groove in the right direction hopefully the blog has proved that, no I'm not cured, yes I will be grumpy, yes I will definitely throw my toys out of any pram I can find toys to throw, but hey ho I'm a work in progress and as long as I accept that (and in reality its only me that has to, so fuck the rest of the world) things shall only get better!

Today the wife heads back to work on the bus hahahahaha then out for her Christmas party (cough splutter double standards......do as I say not as I do etc etc etc)me and the youngest or going to continue with the chores and then have lunch and a Hobbit fest so all is well with the world, watch the skies incoming and until then Toodles!

Gentlemen take polaroids

I have a face for radio, I'm not keen on having my picture taken, the quickest way to get me to run away is produce a camera, or in the modern age a mobile phone, I love photography, I love looking at other peoples pictures, but when it comes to me I think that I look like a lump of wood!

I have to have an official picture for work and the guy who comes to do it (who I get on with really well) hates having to work with me, we nearly came to blows over him asking me to smile the first time he had to attempt to get my portrait, thankfully he took the hint and over the years we have sorted out the line in the sand he knows why I don't like my picture so he doesn't try to coax a super model shot out of me, he stands in front of me takes three pictures and that's your whack, no fancy poses and no fancy lights any touch up has to be done in the computer as his assistant was nearly bitten by me when she produced a powder brush (GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR).

I have had my picture taken, with my good lady wife by the wonderful if not even grumpier than me Chris Harrison we had a few hours in Jesmond Dene and had some wonderful shots taken, Chris is great and if you are after some couples pictures (no not rude .....mind Chris does do that kind of thing) find him out there in the big bad world, he does a fab job and its very natural there's one of me and the wife in black and white as long as I live I don't think anyone will ever take a better picture of me than that, and the beauty of the photo (no not me) I didn't even know he had took it.

I have no comprehension of why people have to pucker up and strike a pose, again not a complaint, just an old man  trying to understand, there's a young contractor who has been working for me at work and he has over 6000 shots of him (and his quiff) on instagram .....WTF! but its not just him it's everybody, even I joined in,and so far in 11 weeks I have taken about 8 shots I suppose I must try harder (and join the human race).

At school I only ever had one group picture taken in senior school (first year I believe) and a solo shot in my last year, however because we never bought the photo's after the first one I was never asked to participate because ho hum what was the point, this was actually said to my mother at the time which basically lit the blue touch paper (hence the photo from my last year). from the age of one up to the age of sixteen you would be hard pushed to find 20 photographs of me, I know this as I have all the pictures from my mothers collection when she passed on.

There are more pictures of me with my Peter Griffith mask when we went off on a jolly jaunt to Las Vegas then me as a young person, now I'm not saying there's not any pictures of me out there I'm just saying that they are extremely rare. I am trying really hard not to spoil peoples pictures if they try and snap me, I remember a particular evening someone took 32 pictures and didn't get a decent one without me being rude obscene or a fugitive from the FBI! in reality she just wanted a snap shot of a lovely group of friends having a great evening and I spoilt it, see I really am trying to mature as an adult (HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA) sorry where was I?

At the celebrations for 25 years at work I attended every photo shoot for the celebrations however I ducked in every shot and you won't find me in one and trust me they tried really hard, mind you I was just doing what comes naturally at work..........testing people ......well something like that. I solemnly  swear I am up to no good ...........no I mean honest I will try harder.

This blog came as I sat and watched a group of pensioners taking selfies on the plague carrier home and it set me thinking if they can join the new world then so can I, the name game for the blogs is back in play, if you are not sure what I'm on about, the blog titles are all songs that I'm listening to at the time typing up this (drivel) I mean work of art, and people from all over the world try and guess who or what it is, now most of you are a bunch of cheating B******Ds and you obviously Google the bloody thing but some people (Hello Nils) do have a go, this one should be quite easy although I'm not holding my breath, no prizes just huge amounts of mockery from me if you get it wrong. The fan base is growing and although I have had a few complaints about having abandoned the website, look this is me trying to cheer myself up and I'm a luddite, I'm no whizz kid it is what it is if you have any complaints send them to KISSMYASSANDSWIVEL.com.

I seem to have hit a rather large group of Italians and Scandinavian readers of late and again thanks for the compliments (although Per I don't think reading my blog is really going to help you understand us Brits any easier) the demographic is also spreading before I would have said its between the 30-40 age group, these days its more the 20- 60, so well done everybody and as always keep spreading the disease click those share and Like buttons lets get the numbers up to where they used to be, and that's me done I have a day from hell tomorrow mainly catching up on my reports and  inspections but I have  teaching session tomorrow so I should at least have some fun as I try a coax out of a group of teenagers "can I get a hell yeah" I don't do normal teaching....hell no! so watch the sky and play nice until the next time...........Toodles!

oh and here is a picture of me as a I look now.............................

Nobody's fault but mine

So many mixed emotions after the last twenty plus postings, yes I had intended it to be yet another book but me being the Luddite I am it was safer to publish it as blogs, because to be truthful it certainly reached a far wider audience than my books ever do. numbers were a lot higher than expected and very consistent, so a lot of people obviously came back and followed the thread all the way through.

The blogs were not done as a vanity set, it was done because there are an awful lot of people out there that have issues and just muddle on, overall my issues were/are miniscule however they are mine, because I choose to not deal at the time and yes I know I went a long time (32 years in case you haven't read the blogs) before hoisting the white flag and asking for help, asking for help is the hardest step, its not easy and as I have said before I'm not cured its certainly raised more questions than answering the ones I went in with, but and its a big but, I feel as though I'm better equipped to deal with them.

I wasn't and I'm still not after sympathy it is what it is, sometimes just sometimes I would get overwhelmed by emotions (and if you ever got to know me you would find out I really don't do emotional) and it was the fact that I didn't understand how to fend off the marauding attacks of random thoughts of unhappiness, I'm more angry now, mainly with me but with some little things that really mean nothing, but because of the way I have dealt with similar incidents in the past, the new me wants to kick my arse for being such a prat!

There has been some touching messages left and I have to admit one or two from totally random strangers who have wandered into my world (and more than likely will wander away again) via the blogs who don't know but gave me some nice sound advice, there was only one troll who obviously thought I was a shrinking wallflower (wrong) I'm still waiting to hear his reply to my 3400 word (stinging) rebuke and what he thought about all "you nut jobs" (again wrong) I just needed a reboot with some new software at no point did I infer that I'm a tree hugging hippy conscientious objector, well guess what wrong again, maybe just maybe once that gaping hole of a new arse I tore has heeled he might be man enough to apologise.

Although the bulk of the last twenty plus blogs were written over the course of the last year I have worked on them continually to make them a better read and not seventy million words of bile, they were not sanitised just polished to be easier for the curious reader to deem more palatable. again I'm not looking for sympathy I'm just asking that consider people around you, you never really know what is going through someone's head even your nearest and dearest don't take people for granted you never know when that shoulder could come in to be helpful for someone who might at a later date be able to lend you a helping hand.

So I now have to soldier on and try and get semblance of order into my writing, less of the bile and some of the humour which has been missing for a short period of time, again I say thank you and soon (well for me anyway) there will a new happier blog on its way, watch the skies and keep spreading the disease (every little bit helps) until then Toodles!

A cast of millions

Present.

Where do start here, Ok I can hear all of you shouting “at the bloody beginning” but I don’t think I can, however I do feel as though I should say thank you (for lots of various reasons) to lots of you and for once I intend to name and shame with good intention, so here goes and in no particular order: - My Wife, Cliché, my lighthouse in the dark, I know you understand and the rest of the world have a damn good idea as well. Elaine Wilson, how can I put this politely she’s a lady, my editor, principal partner in crime and treasonous conspirator (get well soon sweetie), Gary Wilson my pimp, my rock in the maelstrom of insanity and my cross dressing mentor! And CEO of WELD International, Jane Kelley my bomb disposal expert and international diplomat, nobody says Fuck the world with such aplomb! Ignatius the foul mouthed man servant, Geordie man child (typically ignorant), Neil Davidson an untypical Geordie island of common sense (go figure) Ainsley Wills my wandering minstrel (non - chocolate version) who was there for me when the levee was breached and dragged me back the safety of the shoreline on that particular miserable day (in my head) in 2013, without you on that day I was a lost soul and I thank you with every fibre of my being, Lesley Gray my legal counsellor, and dispenser of medicinal bon mots(and actually the instigator of this particular set of blogs, after a conversation a long time ago about Gary Speed! Go figure) Angie Shandi for being the sweetness and light and the mandatory Bill Hicks counsellor, Carl Martin for being my keeper of hounds and keeper of the royal flight, damn good for a Brylcream boy! Gordon Armstrong for basically letting me rant at him since pussy was a kitten, Sir Michael of Ridley for allowing me to be his squire in the battle that we call life and for not allowing me to let life get …..THAT serious! How very dare you! All of the South Shields posse (damn there’s lots of ya and it’s good to be in your company).

 David Robinson my radio operator behind enemy lines (Broadsword Calling Danny Boy) who unwittingingly sent messages of hope at times when I needed hope and inspiration, Kevin Curtis for being my surfing Guru and Southern star when required, deep conversations in the firelight, Amanda Curtis for just being so damn nice! Kev Charlton for guiding me from Hellanbach (get it) to Frogs to Buckets and a shit load in-between, Charlotte Yanni for allowing music to help me with my Pyscho Blues, accidently on purpose, and who could forget Bali, Jimmy (Thunderbird One) Capstick for all jokes old and well let’s be honest even older, but a light house in this morass of anonymity, Louise Capstick for bringing the power and for keeping Thunderbird one in some semblance of order….sort of!, My Brother because dammit  he stuck by me(allegedly),  through the good times and more bad times than anybody else ever did!, My Kids and my grandkids but please don’t tell them, I wouldn’t want then to know I actually care for them and love them, pfft me with my reputation. The one and only Dr K for actually being my light house keeper and helping me rewire my life without the aid of any instruction manual, still a work in progress but better than being fused and discarded!

Mark Gleason without you and your sacrifice I would not be here, so I need to honour that sacrifice simply by being the best person that I can be, unswerving thanks and gratitude.

Past.

I have lost people in the past that I wish were still an active part of my life and I do still think of them on a daily basis, those who were there in the early dark days and put up with so much, and you gave your love and support without a thought to yourselves and credit should be given with an enduring love and tear in my eye because you are missed by many not just me: Chris Hughes the daddy and the first to go, we all missed you. John Case my six foot twin with the permanent suntan and grin, the coolest dude in the world and someone I was very proud to call “FRIEND”, Steve Ridley the biggest and funniest anchor in the world, The original squadron leader of “The Dawn Patrol” you carried me back from enemy lines more times than you should have, the person who taught me so much (H.O.P.E – Hold On Pain Ends) if only your grip had been stronger. Gary Shaw a man not to take sides that thankfully came back to the shoreline if only for a brief while before you faded away again, all of you much missed.

A further cast of millions that believe it or not would be as long as the bloody book! Far too many people to mention in one breath but every one of them my friends, warriors, thieves and kings, one and all, from school through to today, many of those mentioned might not be aware of the help that you have given this twisted emotional wreck, but without the emotional crutch that you have supplied to me over the years this soul would have been extinguished many many years ago and for that all I can actually say is………………Thank you!

It’s not enough but it is a start.

The Memory Remains

The issue that I raised my hand and asked for help, is still here, my little black cloud is still sitting there, now it’s wondering how the hell it can race in and give me a kicking! Me I’m sat here waiting for it, but now I’m loaded for bear and I ain’t going down without a fight! Is that me feeling brave, I’m afraid no I’m not, I know at some point it’s going to want to have another go, but this time I will be ready and waiting with the extra tweaks and little exercises that should help me. I feel so much better, better than I have in such a long while and although I was sceptical as to what help was going to be given (prescription pad at the ready!)But here I am sitting typing this feeling a damn sight better than I did twenty weeks ago.

Is it going to be as bad or debilitating as it has been in the past? I’m hoping that the forecast doesn’t call for heavy weather, the waves might get a little choppy, but I have a new compass that will lead me to calmer waters or in a worst case scenario a safe harbour. I feel better, there is a clarity that if I’m being honest hasn’t been there for the last Thirty Two years……..go figure, if you had said to me twenty weeks ago I would feel this good about myself I would have laughed straight in your face, but here I am, not cured but a better person, I stayed the distance, I didn’t have a strop, I didn’t leave, I was a good boy (me with my reputation) the memory replays the same six minutes of my life in some ways in more detail than ever before, and in others it’s so hazy it’s hard to make out any details and at the moment I’m happy with that.

Now some people will definitely not like the newer more confident me (don’t worry I haven’t turned into Rambo) but I am indeed a different person coming out of the treatment than I was going in. so with the best intention in the world, my intention is to live my life like I stole it and try to enjoy what time I have left on this blue pearl spinning out in the darkness, if you see me please say hello I’m old and infirm and my eye sight isn’t what it used to be, but I’m not hiding anymore and that should be a good thing for everybody.

Fear has two meanings:

Forget Everything And Run.

Face Everything And Rise.

Take a guess which one I intend to do?

Donec, Defluet, Amnis

The title of this (short) chapter is a tattoo (and for once not a song title) that I have on my chest (please see the back cover of the book) and it wasn’t until I had it inscribed in ink on my chest did I realise that it should be my motto, in English it means “until the river ceases to flow” and I feel as though my life is like a river, so it’s rather apt! My tattoo is a deck of cards and it all refers to the hand that we are dealt with, No I’m not getting all philosophical I’m just trying to get you who reads this to understand that I do at times think about life in general and not as some folk think, just from minute to minute all doom and gloom (yeah right hahaha).

Now the therapy has come to an end it would appear that I can only play the cards that I have been dealt with, I shouldn’t be trying to second guess life the universe or anything, I should really just do as the river suggests and go with the flow! I suppose I was slightly down heartened that upon completion of my course of treatment I didn’t even get a certificate (I would have accepted a 25 metre swimming certificate or some such nonsense) but as always I’m getting ahead of myself, it was with trepidation I awaited my last session of therapy for no other reason than” oh my god this is it!”  what had seemed like a lifetime to get here and all of a sudden it had ran away from me and here I was at the end of it, how did this happen? And was I cured?

As always I got there in plenty of time, the wife had picked me up and dropped me off and I went in and said hello for the last time, the receptionist (I never knew her name how uncivilised of me) smiled and asked me to fill in some forms (what a surprise) the exact same forms I filled in for my initial appraisals, this time though I gladly filled them in and handed them back and sat and waited for the good Dr to collect me for this last session.

The forms were the initial point of contact and it appears that I had decimated the original scores that had said I was Mr Gloomy and now I had become Mr Happier, we went over what I had achieved with the course of the sessions, did I lie? Yes probably just a little bit yes, I felt trepidation but for some reason I wasn’t about to show it. It was soon obvious I was in quite a good place (even with my little white lie) and after forty five minutes I was done,( maybe I should have demanded my full hour…..not!) time to go and move on with my life, I said thank you (and I genuinely meant it) to all the staff who had put up with me over the previous twenty weeks and as I stepped out into the bright sunshine it seemed a damn sight brighter than it had when I had went in.

Positivity seemed to be the order of the day and thankfully it was the truth, it stayed with me for quite a while, I am not under any illusion about what the outcome will be, but it’s actually down to me to take charge of my life, I need to try and drive around the few small bumps in the road that meet everybody at some point in their lives, what is the cunning plan? for one I intend to take each day, simply one day at a time and try not to get bogged down in any negativity (let’s see how good I am with one) to try and not be the pain that seems to have filtered through into my every day, now I may not be positive every day but I sure as hell am going to try!

One thing for certain is that I’m not going to settle for a life of drudgery, my intention is to try and fight back just a little every day, for me and my little bit of sanity, for my wife my kids and my grandkids, the rest of the world well you will just have to take pot luck, as I will have enough on my plate with that little lot! What I will say as a closing statement, be kind to everyone you meet, you never know what kind of battle they are fighting because as this books shows, those that are fighting these battles have a tendency to hide them from the world, not everyone is as strong as it would appear, give them support when you can even when they are not asking for it, because that little bit of support may just save the day!

From The shoreline

The penultimate session over I came home and realised that soon I would be launched back into humanity, defences allegedly repaired, ready to take on the tidal pull of life and wherever that might take me. Most of today’s session was covering what I had learned so far, and how I had learnt to handle my issue and life to a larger degree! Positivity seems to be the prescription of today and while I don’t understand where it is coming from (I seem to have developed a spring of the stuff within me) the fact that I have not done any compulsive eating in the last eight weeks (lord knows there have been occasions when I have wanted to bury my head into some long forgotten food stuff in the cupboard that wouldn’t be missed) I came close on Saturday for no reason, thankfully I was able to shake my head and walk away. There has been no large intake of alcoholic spirits (and there are loads on top of the cabinet in the living room) I did treat myself to a small case of Corona, which as I sit and write/type this, it’s still sat in my small fridge with more than three quarters still intact, just doing what in reality I should have been doing all this time…………Chilling!

I felt happy that looking back over the course of my treatment that it has chipped away at my issues, bit by bit and until it was pointed out that I hadn’t noticed how much relaxed I had become, something eighteen months ago would have seen totally unconceivable, I now realise that my issue has been covering a multitude of sins and although I have not attempted to deal with these, simply because like a typical male I take all of my issues and form them into a nice neat ball and force them all way down into the pit of my stomach and well I do what we males do best, I ignore them, like you should (D’oh!) as I had said today I felt I was still in a darkened place but at least I now had small torch to help me out at the worst of these times.

We also discussed the fact that I keep using (mainly nautical) analogies for just about everything, hells bells even the title of this chapter is how I feel at this moment, I feel as though I am standing on the shore line looking out at the sea that at the moment is calm, yes there is stormy weather over there on the horizon (isn’t there always) at the moment I’m safe, I certainly feel better than I have in a long time, cured?  hell no, I hope I’m far too sensible to fall into that false hope, I just happen to be slightly better equipped to deal with those demons and now, well I intend to take the fight to them instead of letting them come and kick me whenever they feel like it, they don’t have an invitation and they are not welcome!

It would appear that I seem to have a more mature handle on things, and although I was tired (but thankfully not emotional) I seemed to be on an even keel, at peace with certain things and not being stressed for long periods of time, the hour was soon long gone, and I headed once again down the small hill at the hospital, taking my time and plugging in my music as I ambled (posh way of saying I’m crippled) towards the bus stop, I realised I was quite relaxed, not in any kind of hurry at all, and I had a number of different streams of thoughts going mainly how I was going to go home and write this up, firstly though I was going to catch my bus, I interacted with total strangers, something I would normally pretend not to hear them due to my head phones, but today I wasn’t ignorant and I was even happy (if even for a little while) as I travelled home, to cook a meal for everybody, that I shared and didn’t try to greedily eat the bulk of it.

It’s an obvious title and no I won’t be using it (the final countdown) as the final straight is ahead of me and my intention is to take a good firm grip of my rudder (I had to stay nautical didn’t I?) and yes I know it’s not going to be plain sailing, but I’m not giving in without a fight, this boy intends to go out swinging, so please don’t get in the way, I have wasted so much time (my fault and nobody else’s fault, please don’t think I’m blaming anybody else) I intend to climb back  in the ring and slowly try to regain the momentum that I had when I was younger, hopefully in the process making everybody’s life who is in my orbit that little bit better, to be honest they surely deserve it.

The book is now drawing to a close, these last few chapters will potentially be shorter and a little happier (hahahaha) than the previous nine hundred bile filled chapters! And yes I have planned an exit strategy; I intend to turn this vanity project from what was at one point just pages and pages of black despair (was hahaha) hopefully to something that hopefully somebody might as some point realise that all hope is never truly lost, there is always a path back, you just have to find your way back to it, hopefully in bright brilliant sunlight, but cloudy or rainy weather will suffice as well as long as well all make it back to a safe path.

Cunning plans abound and titles chosen, pictures picked, so to speak this little project is gathering pace, I just have to relearn how to use the technology on how to publish this, soon it will be time to slip my moorings and head back out onto open waters.

Roadblock

Whenever I sit down to write out these thoughts I normally always go to a classic album of my youth and play music that will usually keep me in good cheer while I’m writing down these deep meaningful thoughts (WTF) today was slightly different I looked for a radio station (yes me) I wanted something with an 80’s vibe with as little chat as possible, I don’t mind what is played it’s the inane chatter that does my head in. Radio station found I settled down to write then to type and then finally to polish, that’s the way I usually do it, if you flick back through the blogs you will soon realise what I have been listening to, with the exception maybe  of the one that is by a South African band from way back in 1980 (yes I know I’m weird) once I have a title and I’m happy with it, it usually points me off in the right direction, today was different my treatment has got me second guessing myself, that’s what I want to write about in this chapter but because of what I am playing (a radio station I know I chose it, but hey ho stick with me) I was drifting until all of a sudden a particular song came on, a very close friend once worked on a rock version with the original producers, although this wasn’t it I remembered that version and hence it also gave me a great title , because I am in deed stuck with a road block (and I won’t tell anybody that it was Stock Aitken and Waterman…….ooops!) once I had the title I was off on a roll, so please if you have stuck with me this far, please feel free to enjoy the rest of this chapter.

I am slowly coming to the end of my treatment, it has lasted slightly longer than I thought it would, me being a sceptic I always thought therapy was the domain of Americans, not us stiff upper lipped British folk, I had buried my head in the sand for so long, it eventually came back and bit me fair and square in my ass, and I was the one suffering, I had had enough so I finally surrendered and asked for help, and to brutally honest it hasn’t been what I thought  it would be, the weight I have been carrying around all these years is slowly but surely being lifted from my shoulders, I know it will be with me until my dying days, but hopefully after this I will be able to fend it off,  whenever it swoops down like some winged harbinger of doom, or rather when I feel a little down. Unfortunately it’s now starting to focus on me and not my issues, erm, no thanks, yuk, can we just focus on the issue in hand and not the can of worms that is my head, if you want to focus on me I think that you might need more than just 20 appointments, let’s just leave it at the fact I don’t like myself and if we stir that particular pot I may not like myself a whole lot more!

It appears I need to have some “me” time, or at least some time with my partner, my wife my rock! We are an odd couple I know that and what we have to a certain degree works; I made my choice so I lie in the bed that I made. I could quite easily kick off and have many major strops about our relationship (as could she) but to tinker would only upset the axis of our relationship, and it’s not me who would suffer, so for the greater cause I shut my mouth and go with the flow, it’s not great and at times it has caused me more major issues than I care to share, it’s our relationship, I know it’s not perfect and I know what the issues are, it has nothing (as far as I’m concerned) to do with my major issue in my life, somebody at a later date more than likely will stick their tongue out and go “I told you so” but for now let’s just deal with the issue in hand and not the can of worms that’s in my head! Let’s just leave it with the fact it’s never going to happen, I have accepted it, let’s see if everybody else can?

It appears I need a hobby (WTF) and I will be brutally honest here, I have thought long and hard on this one, I just can’t think of one, fishing hell no, Art …..I couldn’t draw the dole. It’s just not me, I like music, I listen to it and I like to read, erm nope after that I’m screwed, Mr Boring that’s me, but am I like this because of my issue, or have I just become a sad old man ( I hope I haven’t, but the evidence is starting to stack up). Should I try and reconnect with old friends? I think I’m a little too old to see if little Tommy is coming out to play, if we see each other on the street it’s like old times we stand and shoot the breeze, but to be honest, I have been back in my hometown for over ten years now and only one person knocked on my door and that was simply because he wanted something, once he got what he wanted he faded back into the tree line to disappear, the friends I have now are spread far and wide and I would never just land on their door step going saying “HELLO” time has moved on, again I know where I stand in the grand scheme of things and I have come to accept my lot, I do not feel sorry for myself, it is what it is, suck it up buttercup and get on with life!

Although Me, Myself and I is ok, it’s not all peachy, too be honest I feel so much like a hamster on a wheel, and the only way off it is to shuffle off this mortal coil, again I reiterate I have no intention of causing myself self-harm (although I suppose my eating habits from time to time aren’t always conducive to healthy living) life is a drudgery, some people smoke drink do drugs whatever I seem to fixate on how shit life is, what can I do? Basically keep trudging away until that last step, I’m not going down without a fight, I have always been a biter so watch out! You could say there’s not a lot of spark left in the old spark plug, just enough to keep the three out of four cylinders firing.

There is a big bad world out there and if I don’t have to go out in it I intend not to, more than likely I will sit in my little cave writing and typing the same old spiel, as long as it doesn’t come across as “oh woe is me” that will do me, because believe it or not I do not intend to let this beat me,(contrary to popular belief) one step at a time, even if it’s on the hamster wheel of death, I intend to keep going! So I reckon I have some figuring out to do (and only two appointments to do it in) where I go with my life, well that’s going to be a tough one (more than likely it would take another 1000 appointments to sort that out) but as always I can only do my best and continue to put my best foot forwards and keep heading in the right direction and not go off in some side street called despair, as they said in the olden days Onwards!

Poke the bear

Today was not a day I was looking forward to, I had been forewarned where today’s session was going and I had loaded all of my defences for Bear, this had the potential to go off the rails, today was the day I was not only going to confront my issues I was going to poke them with a bloody big sharp stick.

Although I feel I have been very open as I have been writing all of my emotions down regarding my treatment, there are some things I have no intention of sharing and that includes some of the thoughts and memories that surfaced today, why simply because they are far too raw for me to share, I found today the most emotional session of my treatment and I have to admit I was so exhausted when I came home today I needed some space I went upstairs and just tried to dissect what had gone on today, this chapter is the abridged version.

I had basically set myself up for the fall; In the previous session I had indicated that I didn’t relish the thought of covering the same material over and over again in one session, only to be told that’s exactly what I would be doing in the very next session (D’oh!) I had painted myself into a corner, in reality this was going to happen sooner rather than later, it was time to bite the bullet and crack on. My sleep was getting less as the weeks had been ongoing mainly thanks to the mask dealing with my sleep apnea, I had also been dreaming less and less so I felt rested on the mornings, although my waking hours were troubled by the repeated playing of my image over and over again, I did have a handle on it, I was slowly trying to dissect what was dripping like an insidious feed into my brain, I felt confident (something I hadn’t concerning my problem in a long time) although work was starting to be a pain, and I had raised a flag to start a war of attrition with a certain manager , why? Purely because I could and more than likely because I wanted something to disconnect me replaying with increased quality my image over and over again. The week dragged on and I sat quietly playing the scenario over in my head especially how I was going to deal with it, when all of a sudden I had that light bulb sensation, I was in control, I would dissect how I dealt and responded to the session, a course of action decided upon, I had just had to get through the rest of the days without killing, maiming or generally annoying the population at large.

The day before my appointment and I was just generally being  annoyed at work, nothing to do with my issue just worn out by the petty power struggles amongst the various departments, I was full of dread but only about work and nothing else. I slept well and got to work in time and then ran into a wall of glue the day just dragged and dragged, again keeping a low profile as I didn’t want to connect to anybody else’s problems as I had enough of my own. My lift and I left bang on time and we were stunned that there was no traffic and we hit every traffic light on green without speeding I was sat outside the hospital a full half an hour before my appointment, I sat outside and enjoyed the cool clean air, spots of rain kept getting blown under the canopy were I was sitting, I didn’t mind it felt good it felt as though I was in the present. Soon enough I had to head into the little blue door and say hello to the nice lady who is the receptionist who always greats me like a human being and not the raving lunatic that I see myself at times! I admitted that I knew I was early but the weather was getting wetter outside so I didn’t mind waiting, I needn’t have worried as I was soon whisked along the corridor to the usual chair making small talk knowing I was attempting to delay the inevitable.

Then the session started and again as I said at the start I have no intention of listing what was said, let’s just say that certain events were viewed and reviewed with greater clarity than ever before and yes I was emotional, no wailing or gnashing of teeth, but I was moved in a good way and for the first time in a long time I had a greater understanding on how to handle the problem, I did get to a certain point and say that I wanted to change the topic and I was brought back to the present with a reassuring ease. I poked the bear and he had tried to clip me with a huge swipe of his big claws, but I was able to side step although it was a close run thing, the session finished after ninety minutes and I was steered back to feeling good about myself.

I left as the weather calmed down it had rained but it was muggy again and I was exhausted, I wasn’t sure if I had missed my bus or not, I was glad to get to the bus stop and sit and watch the windmills (yet again) that tower  over the valley getting a feeling of calm from these hulking giants, after a few minutes a deserted bus turned up and I was glad of the solitude, I didn’t feel the need to be a people person I just wanted to sit and veg out! Thankfully the bus took the short route home and as I crossed the main road to my home, the rain came back as though it was chasing me home, the youngest was dog sitting and I felt almost like a zombie so I made my excuses and said I needed some time, my knees were playing up and I wanted to stretch out, although I was exhausted I didn’t feel tired like I normally would have, but I still stretched out on the bed once I was comfortable and I simply looked at the ceiling feeling neither happy or sad I just felt drained. After half an hour the youngest came upstairs and told me the time (probably making sure I hadn’t fell asleep) I said I would be up in a second, dammit she had said the magic words no sooner had she said it then I was out like a light only to be awoken by my wife a further thirty minutes down the line, not feeling anything other than emptiness, for no reason other than I had slept and didn’t get the refreshment I obviously craved. I lay a few minutes more then pulled myself together, heading into the kitchen to make tea as I had promised the night before.

That’s when the day got strange, my wife who usually is so understanding, wasn’t, not her fault I just wanted a little space and she wasn’t her usual thoughtful self, I didn’t want to argue but that’s the way it appeared the night was going to go! I retreated to my laptop to start honing this chapter I was going to try and do something different write straight to the computer and hopefully get some sense (hahaha yeah right) as opposed to just a stream of consciousness, and by and large it has worked, tea was lovely (even if I say so myself) but the ugly mood between us was never far from the surface and after an ugly encounter  I decided to shut up as the only losers would be us, no common ground or common sense between us and nobody wanting to yield an inch. This was the thing I was worried about more than anything else, me being more assertive and expressing my opinion and for people not to really like or understand my statement or position, withdraw regroup and rethink, at least my mind was taken away from the other matter, the bear has wandered off and I intend to pick the bones from the carcass before I return next week, hopefully stronger for the week of contemplation.

As for being sat in a fox hole I have no idea how to deal with this particular hand grenade, the fuse running short, all the pressure that’s been building up, I know I need to defuse the situation, but I don’t feel like running the white flag up the pole just yet as I don’t feel I have done or said anything wrong, it’s my opinion I respect yours all I’m asking is that you respect mine. Today is done time to try and get some semblance of order because although I am deflecting what has gone today, tomorrow may not be so kind and I need everybody back on the defence line just in case the bear decides to amble back into view. The finish line now looms ever closer and I have to build my defences ever higher, I have asked for help and yes I have received it, it’s me that has to utilise what has been discussed over these weeks.

Chip away at the stone

So I let the last two appointments go past without polishing anything that I had written, mostly nonsense and all very harmless, I noticed a difference in the writing and to me at least I was….dare I say it happier! No not happier just less grumpy. I was being methodical about my thought processes and I wasn’t letting anything beat me down, I had been very emotional seemingly for no reason (or so I thought) I wasn’t used to the sudden surge of raw emotions, I was told this was nothing to worry about, this was just my brain getting to grips with a thirty two year emotional problem, so go with the flow.

All of my bad habits came home to roost and caught up with me medically, I was diagnosed as being morbidly obese, I had sleep apnoea and the one I knew I was dreading had finally caught up to me in this game we call tag, not only did it tag me it kicked me right in my bad knees, it was confirmed I had type two Diabetes (my own self-inflicted wound) although I have tried many times I never quite succeeded to beat my compulsive eating habits, when I was down or not wanting to deal with reality, my head would go to  the fridge and I would just eat my weight in crap, nothing strange like cookie dough in the yard at stupid o’clock, why in the yard? well with no witness’s it was just me and what was sort of to hand, I noticed that I had stopped I was only having a couple of biscuits with a cup of tea and not the packet, I felt the earth move and I grooved in the right direction.

There was other subtle differences that other people saw, I admit I didn’t someone actually called me quite mature for someone so young (WTF…..oh yes I had shaved my beard off) that’s not to say all was good with the world it wasn’t but it did feel better. My sleeping was different as well as I had been sleeping with the aid of my mask, the first few nights were weird and I have a habit of pulling it off about five hours in, I’m thinking that if I don’t I may not fall back to sleep at all, I’m sure we will get it sorted. And although it’s taking me longer to get to sleep initially, damn I feel good when I wake up, sleeping less but feeling better I will take that any time!

Music that thing that has been my constant companion through life is creeping back in a more positive way, more poppy than doom and gloom type stuff, I even took the time to settle down and read a book, it has been a while I can tell you, but that’s where the good news ends I still sit at the back of the house not wanting to get involved, cunning plans from the night before are discarded the next morning, when I’m  sitting looking out of the window for my little black cloud, waiting for it to nip in and give me a kicking. Sometimes a sense of foreboding isn’t very far away! So what to do? Well if I’m honest I have not got a clue other than to keep putting my best foot forward. Sorting myself out on all fronts is the direction to go, to stop the eating obsessing and generally being a moody pain in the ass, can I do it? More than likely not, but I’m damned if I’m not going to give it my best shot!

I find myself choosing to ignore many trivial things that are going on in my orbit (mainly work) trying to not obsess on the minutia that floats through your life with no meaning at all. Shaking my head on a more regular basis, I’m also not as helpful, I believe I am putting myself first (sometimes) and if I don’t want to do it, I sure as hell have no intention of doing it, I know this whole process is just the first step of the whole process and I know I have a long way to go, I am aware that I have five appointments left of my therapy, then I will be cut adrift, hopefully better prepared with the tidal sensation of emotions, the incident isn’t going to go away, I’m not under any illusion about that, but I have a new skill set to deal with it and it needs to be used more frequently, the old ways need to be thrown overboard, left to their own devices.

Sullen is the description that I will miss the least, it’s how I have been feeling for so long, I’m just beginning to realise that I’m wasting what life I have left, that’s not me being pessimistic just a realist damn I will be fifty soon and I have been behaving a petulant teenager at times and the only loser in any of the scenarios that play out in my life is me! Again I know I’m not going to be the life and soul of the party overnight (not that I really want to be) but at least participating should look pretty good, I can only hope.

With the last five appointments approaching I now have to get a game plan sorted and make sure that I don’t drift back into bad habits, I need to see what the end game looks like, I suppose realistically there is always the potential for me to have a meltdown, but hopefully nowhere as severe as they have been in the past, A new game so some new rules, I have a few body swerves that seem to work, my next appointment is going to be a difficult one as we intend for want of a better expression “Poke The Bear” more than likely the next chapter title, again I’m not looking forward to it, but if I am indeed to put my best foot forward then I shall be poking the bloody thing with the biggest sharpest stick I can find, I’m so far up this bloody hill I can see the top, well I want to make it  there and keep marching on.

With the end of the treatment nearly upon me then this book shall also be finished, not without some serious polishing, I have had a bleak time of it, but I’m not going to let it beat me, I may have been on the ropes a few times over the last thirty plus years and I have stared over the edge a few of those times, I’m not a quitter, I will never stay down, knock me on my arse, and I will get back up, I will not go quietly into the night, I will go kicking and screaming because I want something that other people have had for a long time, I want some peace for myself, I hope that’s not too much to ask for, if it is then I intend to steal some peace and everybody can go kiss my ass, so as I sit here typing and polishing this thing, I intend to keep chipping away at the stone.  

Breakthrough

A strange day with lots to do, hopefully everything would go like clockwork otherwise I would stress about time and then the day really would be in the shitter! I had a number of (medical) appointments to get through and with some fancy footwork I had been able to get them all on the same day, I just had to hold my nerve. I woke up feeling like hammered crap again and I felt as though I was sleeping deeply, I mean I can just about sleep anywhere, I just don’t feel refreshed after doing the deed! No breakfast as I had to go and get (another) fasting blood tests as the first one was abnormal (their words not mine) so another night of not eating and sat there bright and early for round two, I was in and out within a couple of minutes, I even felt confident enough to ask a few questions about what “abnormal” could mean in a blood test, I wasn’t overly happy with the response but hey ho do the crime……you get the picture!

Once back in the house I then proceeded to eat my weight in cheesecake for once, not because I was depressed, I was just bloody hungry and that was the first thing in the line of sight, a cup of tea to wash it down and I felt almost human. A quick wash then off to my rearranged therapy session, and the day was flowing so I went with it, the session I’m not going to break it down (simply because this chapter is about something that happens later in the day, stick with it) what I will say though it was again a deeply emotional session,  I don’t care for these type of sessions simply because I am drained afterwards, it’s like a bloody big rock stuck on a chimney and all I can use to get it down is an ice pick! Session over I headed outside to sit and wait for my good lady wife to pick me up, she was running just a little late I didn’t mind, I did something that I normally never do, I sat out in the sunshine feeling good, to have its ray’s warming my head and neck, the little blue car came around the corner, on board was the hurricane who was happy to see his Poppa (something else I need to work out) and I was dropped off at the house as he was taken to school and the wife got on with her chores.

Everything had gone swimmingly so far, and I had no intention of jinxing it, I had one last appointment for the day, I was being tested for sleep apnea and I needed to be wired for sound, we had a little light lunch and then headed off in the direction of Durham assuming we had plenty of time (danger  warning danger warning), the wife being an expert in avoiding kidnap squads from Havana (she never uses the same route twice) and she took me past where I spent the last ten years of my childhood, nowhere specific just a general direction, and while enjoying the weather and the quiet road we talked.

Rather I waffled on about the session earlier in the day and how I was feeling about the treatment, how it was going and how some of the tricks worked and some of them well, I wasn’t so sure. Again generally just chit chat, the wife seemed happy for me to do the talking and she just asked the odd question in here and there (she should become a therapist) but all of a sudden I got talking about the actual  incident itself, I have no idea how I wandered (blundered) onto it, I just did, and at just the right moment the wife asked me a question (don’t ask I don’t remember) and I just blurted out that it hadn’t been my fault, stunned silence and my wife was nearly in tears, I didn’t know what I had done or said! Of course she asked me to repeat what I had said, I had no clue, she was in tears, I still had no clue, she nearly lost control of the car as she was so stunned, simply because of my statement! then it hit me like a huge wave, washing over me, emotions that I had no idea what to do with them (I still don’t as I write this three days after the event) the wife still in tears, saying that she had been waiting for twenty three years for me to say that it hadn’t been my fault! I had been waiting a lot longer I just hadn’t realised it, this was too much I wanted to get out of the car, I wanted to scream at the world, I wanted to do a million things all at once , I just didn’t know where to start. I was also well aware that we were closing in fast on the hospital for my next appointment and I didn’t want us looking like two heed the balls just walking in off the street (more than we normally do). Thankfully traffic threw us a lifeline, the car park at the hospital is horrific and it gave us a ten minute window to calm down, thankfully we found a spot a lot quicker than normal and we clung to each other as we headed into the hospital!

Thankfully we got in bang on time and we were seen straight away, a false sense of humour with the nurse who dealt with me, and we were back out in the sunshine, me looking rather suspicious, as though I had a bomb strapped to my chest,  and soon as I was left to my own devices, that’s not a good thing, back in the car again head spinning, what to do or say, I wanted to lie face down in food and just eat my way through it, the wife talking at me, I was only getting one in four words, I felt like I had  been in a car crash, crushed disorientated just utterly distraught all because of four little words “it wasn’t my fault” once back in the house I was drained (again) and at some point I crashed and burned and if I am being honest all I wanted to do was sleep, I got my wish just not the way that I really wanted it!

I woke the next day and dragged all of the sleep paraphernalia off me, the nose vent hadn’t stayed in that long, I still have a bruise on my arm where the cables were taped to me, I felt worse than I had in a long while, I felt like I was dragging myself along, people were going to die today if they pissed me off, thankfully that didn’t happen although it came close as I waited for the plague carrier to carry my weary bones home, said individual must have took the hint as he turned and didn’t even attempt to board, I must also have been giving off a weird pheromone because although the plague carrier was full nobody sat next to me, me I didn’t care and as usual I drifted off into a crappy sleep, and awoke as we pulled into the last stop. Friday was more of the same and today has been me on the lookout for something to eat, in the strangest of places!

I still don’t know how to process what I said, if I could do that then I wouldn’t need therapy, plenty to put together, and focus and then try and get my therapist to tell me what it all means! Hopefully a magic wand will be waved (I’m being sarcastic for those of you who don’t know me) and all of my woes will fall from me like this fat suit I have worn for the last ten years, oh I’m funny, well maybe not but something tells me I’m going in the right direction and this particular vehicle is starting to gather speed!

Holidays in the sun

Not for me, but for my therapist, am I that bad really? No I don’t think I am, it appears that some people lead a normal life, so good luck to her and I hope she enjoyed the time off.

Me I was left with a mind fuck of my own making, too many questions and nowhere near enough answers, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, straight after my last appointment, I had actually day dreamed through the appointment trying to construct something to write about as I needed to vent, and vent is exactly what I did, 11000 words of pure bile, not for any other reason than I wanted to vent and not about anything in particular, just bile from the pit of my stomach, if your reading this then you will be aware that that particular 11000 words were honed and whittled down to around 3500, after about eight drafts, and I enjoyed the process it took my mind off what was bothering me, the fact that I had not resolved the issues I had found when I decided to rip the top of this particular can of worms, and they weren’t the fizzy sour jelly kind.

I used to be (as a lad) a quizzical kind of person, always poking here and there and usually looking for the answer (to the meaning of life and what’s the inside of a ping pong  ball made of) I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box (I never claimed to be, but I can usually see enough in the dark if you get my drift) but of late I was happiest when I was switched off, I noticed I was tasking myself to drink copious amounts of drink, not an alcoholic, but just enough to dull the senses, for me to go with the flow on an easier flow! Just trying to get from point A to point B was the order of the day and sod everything else. I was happy as the dull blade, don’t ask questions don’t buck the system; the problem was that the system in reality was just life!

So many questions all of a sudden rose up and kicked me to bits on a regular basis, I wasn’t the happy go lucky person so many of my friends tended to see (I am trying to write with a little light touch of humour as opposed to all the misery I seem to spew) thoughts crowding in and overwhelming me, even work couldn’t resolve my issues, so I realised (long before my treatment started) to take a hold of the reins, and stop getting tipsy in the house, in the run up to last Christmas I don’t think there many stone cold sober moments (nor do I think I would have failed a breathalyser either on the majority) so I put a stop to it, and to be blunt it didn’t help, my brain started getting active, as it happens, about all the wrong things and my get up and go got up and went that a way!

Now after my first appointment in a fortnight I realised I’m acting like Sean Connery in Goldfinger trying to stop a bomb going off by bashing (in this case my own) its brains in using the bluntest of instruments, and it was never going to work, after so many appointments I need to learn something, something that I will be able to use, because at the moment I’m taking grumpy to new levels and have reduced my fuse (in some but not all situations) to merely a micro second as opposed to the long slow burn. I have some new little tricks that help when the bus goes off the reservation so to speak and they do indeed help, but generally speaking I am still reliving this bloody nightmare time after time, day and night and to say I’m a tad tired would be a bit of an understatement!  My treatment cannot simply be me repeating the same spiel week after week it’s not what I signed up for, hell I have been doing that for over thirty years, Now I’m not a qualified therapist and it would appear that I am about to start doing some exercises (mental not physical….phew), but I’m hoping that it’s going to put the brakes on my seemingly dumb ass eating habits, that in itself is bad enough but mix them up with an additional touch of crazy well let’s just say I’m really concerned, and although I want to run the white flag up the flag pole (and don’t think that this is the suicidal point of the book, it’s not I have never been that close to the brink I know I have some pretty major well for me they are issues but I’m not following that rabbit down any damn Rabbit hole) I’m tired of life generally, I feel worn down, life in itself is pretty shitty for most of us and it’s what you make of it that makes it special, well I know I’m not even making an effort and that is what’s wearing me out, I can see myself going down this path and I know it’s a pretty shitty thing to say but I can’t see myself stopping. My therapist insists that I have higher standards for myself (impossible standards for myself) and that is the main problem, so where the hell did that come from?

Thirty years ago I had a flight or flee (or freeze) moment, I froze and I have been on this shitty roller coaster ever since, I haven’t processed the event! What the hell is going to happen when I finally do? Am I then going to process every crappy mistake I have made and blame myself for those because of said incident, now that really has kicked the ball right out of the ball park, and the task is daunting and I just don’t know whether I have what it takes, I work and travel to and from work and then hide in the house, wasting my time away doing as little as possible not being a productive member of the family, never mind society, so where do I go from here? How do I motivate myself? Health issues are kicking (cause I’m a fat bastard) in and that in itself is stopping me in my tracks, I was always a motivated little chap and now everything is just BLUERGH! I’m hoping that when I get fitted with this Gimp Mask for my sleep apnea, that this might help with a whole host of issues, but its motivation that I lack at the moment and I really don’t know whether I can get that back!

Tomorrow I go for a double session and hopefully the road map out of this funk will be unfolded just a little more, I’m not jealous of the life other people have good luck to you and yours! I would just like me to enjoy what I have, and be chilled! I really wonder if the wife will like what she gets at the end of all this, I really hope that lifting of this particular funk doesn’t turn me into someone she doesn’t dislike!

Therapy

Another day another tumble of random thoughts that need to shifted through and disposed of, some far easier than others. I came out of the hospital today having just missed a bus and in the old days I would have just walked home, now disinterest seems to be the order of the day if I can come up with an excuse I will, it does indeed seem to be the order of the day. One good thing that did come out of it all, I got to sit and watch the view from the hospital, looking across the valley at the new style of windmills that seem to pop up everywhere, thankfully gently spinning, taking me away from the miserable thoughts that now seem to flood back in from the basement up on a daily basis!

Big hulking shapes that move with a grace that nobody would believe, spinning always in control, not judging themselves in any way, just turning, going through the motions doing what they do, I’m aware that I have a number of small walks that I do allegedly for exercise, although I feel I should probably do a lot more, however I neither have the ability or the inclination. Every walk has windmills at some point and usually that is my resting point, in some weird way they sooth the savage beast, stop me feeling the anger and resentment that seems to be close all the time, anger and resentment that seems to pointed in over, it would appear I am overly critical of myself with unimaginably high standards, standards that I’m not aware until they pointed out and I then slap my fore head like a docile Homer Simpson, something that is obviously so easy to spot by other people, why can’t I? (Is this me with high standards again?) I sit and try and second guess every waking decision that I make (and some that I make when I’m sleeping) picking at things that I say and do, looking at the rest of the world with spiteful eyes, hating that I can’t figure out my next move, when in all honestly it’s as simple as going from point A to B!

Resentful that other people can enjoy life, when all I seem to be doing is causing abject misery to myself and who knows what to my immediate family, god knows what my kids have thought over the years, do we get Mr Misery or something approaching useable, my wife sometimes gives me that look “oh here we go again” and I really don’t understand how she puts up with the mood swings, I know everybody has them, I’m not stupid (contrary to what I feel about myself) but sometimes I bet she feels like pushing me from a fast moving car, at times I try to deflect my bad moods with what I perceive as humour, others see it as sarcasm (and I don’t see it until too late) just to deflect whatever attention is being focused on me, so consequently when my friends notice that I’m doing it, they are more astute and know when to leave me alone, this is not always a winning solution as it usually sends me on a downward spiral far quicker than I would normally do so, left to my own devices self-pity will always rise to the surface and take over.  

Anger isn’t far from the surface either, anger with myself not angry as in a violent way, but the kind that surfaces when you can’t verbalise something, when all you want to do is let loose some kind of Primal Scream! Just scream until the emotion is out in the wide world scream until my lungs are ragged because I have abused them, so that I feel like I have been running a marathon and not caring about the end result. After anger then along comes resentment again mainly of myself, and that at the age of nearly 50 I have a child like ability to reduce myself to just these two emotions, neither productive, exactly the opposite and I feel my little black cloud sitting somewhere in the background just laughing at me, waiting for the opportunity to really make me suffer, although in reality it’s no black cloud, it’s me doing all of this to  myself, nobody else, but I have no chance of pushing these emotions away they swamp me and I just buckle at the first assault, empty of any true feeling, when the anger and resentment go what am I left with? Despair is the word I would use to describe it (look it up it’s rather apt), a total blackness that nothing can pull me back from, at this point I get emotional and freak everybody out, and at this moment in time I have very little within myself to combat these feelings, they are just there daring me to do something about it.

I haven’t wrote much this last fortnight, and to be honest I would not be happy putting my thoughts to paper, in the wrong hands there would be the possibility of a funny jacket that ties at the back, as I always state (to myself and anybody who thinks that I could harm myself) I have no desire to harm myself (or anyone else for that matter) in any way shape or form, but putting the worst of my thoughts down on the written page might make others think otherwise, writing sometimes brings me a kind of sweet relief it allows some kind of light to seep in through the edges of wherever I am. My treatment has brought forward other things to the fore front of my mind, stuff that I have thrown to the back of my mind then forced the rest of the world to sit on them, little details that for some reason that I can’t seem to let go, do they mean anything? no not really they are just there, someone shouting for a medic (three times) the scramble of feet over gravel (I so don’t like that sound) a hospital bed with sunlight streaming through windows, straps on my wrists, a man removing said straps but not looking at me directly, they all float in and out of my view without warning and just disappearing because they can, the passage of time (?)  Something that I have always been obsessed with! other obscure feelings that at this moment don’t make any sense, they float towards the front of my thought process and then disappear just as quick, not leaving any imprint, just a misery that leaves nothing but confusion on my fried brain.

Sometimes I can write four or five thousand words long hand then rewrite them long hand (simply to bring some kind of cohesion to my thoughts) before typing them and reworking them trying to erase the black emotions, almost as if I can remove them from the page, I can remove them from me, it rarely works although the process does have a kind of soothing feeling to it. I have been known to write seventeen thousand words just a stream of consciousness of pure drivel no train of thought just every weird emotion on to the written page, writing until there is nothing left, emotionally drained, less than a tenth of it in any way useable, but when you read it back you know that it’s something that you don’t want to rework or rewrite purely because it wouldn’t be healthy for you to, again nothing that would cause physical pain to myself or anyone else, but they aren’t fit for human consumption, the sensation of tearing them up or dumping from the computer’s memory is sort of satisfying, thankfully that happens rarely and although I don’t feel better at that moment in time , because I’m emotionally drained I feel very little for a period of time so thank god for small mercies!

Sunshine has been the order of the day and on days like these I feel as though I don’t belong, I feel totally disconnected to other people, everybody seems to revel in the good weather, I just want to retreat into darker surroundings, I feel less inclined to do things that are outside, I feel less inclined to want to mix, feel less inclined to try and climb out of my apathetic state of mind, I actually used to be quite a busy person always doing something, now if I could do nothing all day I would, that is not good for me or anyone else. But when I feel this way I don’t care for anybody but myself and my stupid thoughts. My inability to sort these emotions are again my inability to grant myself the same standard that I allow for others, surely I should have a higher standard for myself wanting to do better for myself, although it appears that it actually has a negative approach so again more work for myself to apply to myself.

Panic is a mood that isn’t very far from me, usually when my black moods are swirling around me like some kind of whirling dervish, causing me to struggle emotionally, causing me to struggle with breathing, generally pushing me to run away from everything that really wants to help (friends and family) I know people want to help me, but I feel like a drowning man who is far too stubborn to ask for help (these people have their own problems without having to deal with mine). Panic stumbles into helplessness which turns back to despair and my black cloud wins, I lose the ability to want to do anything, help myself, to please others, I want to drown myself in dark thoughts and food. The longer my treatment goes on the more I stay away from alcohol, is this me doing something sensible? I have no idea but the thought of time in a pub feels completely alien to me at this moment in time.

Food isn’t doing me any good I’m aware of that, I can’t exercise so I can rid myself of any excess weight (although when I am eating I am more inclined to be disinterested, a vicious circle with only one loser) dark thoughts take over and sometimes I find myself looking for something to eat (I never seem to over indulge in anything healthy) a form of self-abuse that seems to more evident to me, but I seem powerless to have the ability to do anything about it! one that if my wife were there, she would stop me dead in my tracks, although why I feel the need at this point to have a chaperone for something as simple as food escapes me, I’m less inclined to leave the house for any reason and it’s getting harder for me to even want to go to what appears to be my one place of sanctuary which is work! somewhere I can just lose myself and switch off to the rest of the outside world, the numbing effect has worn off and again disinterest rises with regular monotony, which is not good when you are the only wage earner in the family and the family does rely on you!

I don’t like myself ,this is something that has surfaced a lot later in life than I’m aware of, it’s something that wasn’t there five years ago, if it was, I wasn’t aware of it! It’s something I don’t really understand, I have no comprehension why this has festered like an old wound, how could I allow something like this to get a hold, I know I have never been the person out front leading the charge, I have never had tons of friends and I had no issue with that, but of late it is like picking at a scab, again is this those incredibly high standards kicking in or just something else I can torture myself with? As if I have to torture myself with anything else. I have to question what has caused all of these issues,  no matter how I write this it always seems trivial, so please be aware that I am writing this as I feel at this moment my interpretation changes on a daily basis, 30 plus years ago an incident happened to me that lasted only a few seconds in the grand scheme of things, those few seconds have skewed the way I have dealt with life the universe and everything going on from that moment, I am being stupid and I know I just didn’t process it correctly at the time. I understand that I have no problem with that, it’s the inability to process all this time later that I don’t comprehend. The world works in black and white or so I thought, now that view is being shattered on a regular basis and I don’t know how to deal with all the shades of grey that I have to deal with.

One little incident, one that I relive or rather the six minutes in the run up to it then ……nothing almost like trying to tune an old TV into a distant station sometimes getting the signal but getting more static than anything else, not too bad it’s only six minutes, I mean what’s six minutes, but this something has ran continually since the incident more than 30 years ago, that’s 240 times a day! That’s nearly 88000 times a year for thirty plus years, the math in itself is frightening, not being able to turn it off, normally always crystal clear HD quality just running through what essentially turned my life upside down, going from being (allegedly) a normal person to the person I am today, some people might be thinking I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill and to most people I appear to be a normal person who is just whinging because they can, I will just point them in the direction of the friends who at some point have had to deal with a gibbering wreck or my wife who sometimes feels like she is dealing with a three year old with a stubborn streak the width of the grand canyon, again the default position is self-depreciating humour, that some people just look on with pity on their faces and as always I feel powerless to do anything about.

I don’t like myself and it feels like a muscle that is being worked on and exercised regularly so as to make it stronger, I have no idea how to deal with this, I have no quick witted response and I can’t answer it, my wife and I try and talk about my issues in my more lucid moments, but I have no idea why this has appeared, the look on my wife’s face when this rears its ugly head is more soul destroying than anything else, again giving it more power over me, another struggle that I am slowly losing the will to be bothered to battle against. Sometimes the easiest thing would just be to walk away, just leave the people who I am hurting and its soul destroying that I am inflicting this pain on people who I love, to walk away from friends family and this area that I live in, just to have no connection, that the seems to be the easiest solution the one that offers the easiest way away from the issues of hurting everybody else, just go and live rough, would it be tough yes on everybody involved, but in time it could fade like any scar seems to do for other people, I could carry my scars and deal with them, or at least attempt to without that daily grind as to how my family and loved ones do now!

I feel as though I have missed out on so much, as though I have gone through life not noticing anything, do I love my family? Yes I do I believe they have brought me a stability I never thought I could ever achieve through all the good times as well as bad, but through time I feel like a satellite falling from the heavens back to earth with bits being dragged from me and the approaching impact (no matter how far in the distance is) lends a sense of impending doom, just waiting for me to fold my arms and close my eyes and await said impact, it’s this I dread, the impact, for everybody else I’m sure this would be so much the answer, as always I have no care for myself, something that I have no answer for I know it’s wrong, I know there are people who have feelings for me as I do for them, but I do not like myself and struggle to  grasp the concept why do they?

Music has been a great saviour, changing my moods bringing back to the face of humanity that many times I don’t feel, sometimes something depressing (musically can bring me back to a level of normal, different things for different people, I don’t want to be like everybody else, I just want to be me without any of the extra baggage that I have never required. Music helps me dissolve those emotions. As it does for many others a good song can lift you higher than a mountain, I have never had a song make me feel depressed that in itself is a good thing. Music has always been my escape, even though I can’t sing or play an instrument, I can write words and have done so accordingly (admittedly many years ago) I don’t miss those days, times changes everything and we all need to move on, this is one of the reasons that I cannot grasp or understand why I can’t let this memory go and why it rules the roost and drags me down this road to ruin!

Now as I look at the time and darkness that is everywhere I realise that I have written and rewritten this a number of times, restructuring what I feel inside, trying to be a more open person and not trying to burden anybody else, I understand when I am in these moods I do nothing else but burden everybody again a vicious circle, my intention is to keep a low profile and try not to impact others, but I also realise that this over six hours of writing, long hand, scribbled, long hand, neat(ish) long hand removing altogether some parts that do not make me happy, typed, typed restructured, and this has been  me in a better place than normal, when I write I move away from everybody else I don’t wish to connect, I want the isolation that comes with the writing like a cloak to pull  over myself, I’m aware that my writing style is sometime flowery,  but the words have a soothing effect and I would rather write 3000 plus words than sit gobbling down whatever medication usually offered in this situation.