The Web

As some of you might know, I have long avoided having anything more than a simple social media presence. I am completely ignorant of all things Myspace, Bebo, Snapchat, and whatever other cyber forum the teenage cognoscenti has recently anointed. I know the Hash tag sign is a crucial element to communicating via Twitter, but have never personally tried it. More importantly, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. My life doesn't feel lesser for it. When I began these blogs all those years ago, I decided that they were a perfectly adequate way of communicating my personal thoughts on a large scale. Sure, they're a one-way communication, but I actually prefer that. My thinking was, and still is, that this world of ours already sends too many messages. Or perhaps consciousness, by its very nature, acquiesces to being barraged. Either way, my self-preservation seemed to demand digital inaccessibility. Or, to put it more simply, the only hater I can tolerate in my head is already in my head.

That’s not 100% right, let’s be honest I’m a luddite, I still prefer my food cooked on a cooker and not in a microwave, I still prefer a house phone to a mobile one, I prefer vinyl to a CD. I suppose this makes me a dinosaur a thing as a teenager me and my friends used to laugh at, do you want a hand with that cassette?  or whatever was the techno wizardry of the day, it would appear that life moves on but we as people do not (always).

I keep trying to pull myself up by my boot straps but it would appear that I continue to fall at the first hurdle no matter how hard I try, little things continue to trip me up, I don’t even have the common sense to go around and make a detour, I feel that in my life I’m either a shrinking violet (yes that’s right) or a bitter little man, both of which I don’t particularly care much for, I do keep trying to be a better person, but how many more times will I let my fingers continue to be beaten about the knuckles before I lose my grip, my nature is that I’m not jealous of anything what you may have in your life I wish you well with it, you have worked damn hard for what you have, but it seems at every turn things just go wrong, if I fell into a barrel of nipples I can guarantee I would come out sucking a thumb and probably won’t have been mine! Go figure, I’m not a jealous person but I work damn hard just to pay off my debts and my taxes, the junkies and scum have a better social life than us, mind you I always seem to sabotage myself on that front as well, well ok the wife helps from time to time (there’s that one rule for you and another for me) this is starting to sound like a rant but it’s not I’m not (that much of ) a thick person, but I just never seem to take the correct option, you know for a fact if this was the matrix I would have taken the wrong pill!

Again I’m retreating from the sunlight that gives life and shrinking into the dark that helps in the growth of self-doubt and all the other things that don’t help, I know that this is yet another temporary setback I have no intention of giving in I just need to know how to marshal my troops just a little more efficiently, that’s down to me and I will keep on plodding on, hopefully a little less darkness and a sprinkle of sunshine, the old cunning plans need to be thrown out and new ones started, so today I shall try and banish the clouds and step into the light, the rain has gone for the time being (mind you I do love the rain) so there’s the blog or should I say the blimp in the road not one of the best but certainly not the worst, the name game is back in play (this one should be so easy even for Nils) I’m already working on the next (hopefully happier) blog so keep spreading the disease (because the numbers have been wonderfully consistent) and I will invade your minds again soon, but until then Toodles!

Naked

Nobody has to worry I have no intention of "getting" naked, well not in the sense that you lot think, I don't think I could bare my soul anymore especially after the last post! I don't like getting photographed at the best of time never mind naked, before I get naked I always check to see what the location of the Japanese whaling fleet is just in case you know! so many of you keep asking why I write the way I do, honestly I can only write truthfully so it would appear I have no issues of being naked in front of you the reader........go figure!

One or two of you thought that the last post was a tad dark/bleak even, sorry but that's where I was at, at the time of the last post, again simply trying to be honest , if I try and tell it in any other way I spin out into darkness there will be times when I'm down (and I do genuinely hope that's not very often) I will write something dark, sorry but life is not all sweetness and light, I personally put the last blog up in my top three, not a patch on some of the Myspace blogs but of the last 200 and something definitely top three.

Numbers went straight through the roof triple digits within the first 24 hours but then if fell from grace quicker than Donald Trump at a women's convention, if it was a film it would be the new Batman & Superman  flies straight out the gate for the first week box office takings, the second week well that's another thing altogether, don't get me wrong I was more than happy with the numbers it just came as a shock I thought it might have been a slow burner, hey its still early days it could still go some yet, the blog is written for me , my pleasure, my mood nothing else if you are unhappy about reading it,  please move on because no matter what happens whether you read it or you don't, the world will keep spinning!

I'm keeping this one off the cuff as well, hopefully a little bit more bubbly, no other reason than today the world wasn't as shit as it had been, I'm not saying its been perfect, but it hasn't been all crap either, little things keep getting me and I never seem to have a plan B, now that normally isn't me. Music has been the order of the day and what have I been spinning I hear some of the voices out there in the dark shouting back at me, in no particular order Whitesnake just about everything just not that album, Cheap Tricks new one (woowzer)  Rick Springfield,, throw in some Steve Hackett and loads of obscure 80's stuff (Baby Tuckoo anyone!) yes I know sometimes (and I mean sometimes) my musical taste can be a tad suspect but I really don't give a rats ass.

Cunning plans and stunts might have to take a back seat as we both have very little spare time to ourselves what with work commitments, add to the mix a close friend of the wife's passing unexpectedly the world keeps throwing us curveballs, we have some plates spinning, we are hoping to do something to help celebrate his life, what we don't know yet, to fund it will probably mean the anniversary fund will take a pounding in some way, we were planning to have a couple of days away somewhere nice, at this rate she might get a nice meal.............ok a drive through at the local KFC, the cloth can only cover so much, I will admit to be sick of being skint at least I have a roof over my head ......for the moment (who ordered this tent?).

There you go a smallish blog a trickle before the flood  that will be coming over the next few weeks thank you for all of the nice comments (and the bad ones as well, I can't improve if I'm not told what's wrong with it)I intend to take this farce we call life on one day at a time and if I can help anybody as I go along well that's what I will do, no name game today (although I suspect some of you might still have a go lol) remember we are all alone in this universe any helping hands you can give to your fellow survivors will always be gracefully accepted for the love that is being offered, I might be down for the next blog but its my intention to keep fighting every single step of the way, keep spreading the disease and until the next time..........Toodles!

Get the funk out

Well that went south really fast, so many thoughts, so many cunning plans totally derailed by a simple computer virus (first one ever) so fast that it led me to places I didn’t want to contemplate and that it led me down roads I didn’t particularly want to travel, my mind made me super paranoid, I kept thinking it was rednecks revenge, thankfully it wasn’t.

I was soon at a loss at what to do, I had antivirus software that simply seemed to actively encourage it to go even more haywire, me being the technophobe that I am I was soon looking for NSA satellites and thinking that the world would soon be nigh!  

I did all the things that I thought I should be doing running scans and the such like, but soon I was retreating into my own little world not caring about it in anyway shape or form with some great advice from lots of people who are way more knowledgeable than me (many thanks to all of my IT support) I wasn’t winning, and I admit I threw my hands up and turned my back on it, about the only thing I could go on was Farce book, but even that wasn’t appealing. So I withdrew even further into my shell not wanting to interact with anybody other than the wife (yeah I bet she was over the moon with all the attention) mind you in the time off line I did discover a new bad habit hoovering all of the house with the wife’s new battery operated Dyson…………Go figure! I suppose it could have been so much worse.

What did I do, well to be honest it would appear I did what it seems to be what I do best, I sulked because I was at a total loss this thing that I kept pouring all of my random thought’s wasn’t working the way I wanted it to! I didn’t want to go online and put any of my passwords in, just in case the world took over and made it do things I didn’t want it to do, I did play lots of music and did a bit of reading, but I wasn’t a happy camper, I was deleting emails, before I even read them, I realized I was behaving in an increasing unusual and irrational way (yes way more than I usually do) I actually sat and watched that godless thing in the corner of the living called (shock horror) the Television, yes I know I thought it was something terminal!

Out of the darkness came an unexpected night with fabulous company and it did shock me out of my system, if even for just a little while, the plastic jelly baby was robbed so we could enjoy good company good beer ……...erm no I only had two pints (I just can’t seem to hold drink at all, not as  in drunkenness just the taste, it’s so off putting at the moment) but I didn’t throw a strop and demand to go home, which is what I think the wife was expecting, but I did suffer with tinnitus for about 5 days after the night, the band were just that little bit loud(maybe I am just getting old)but as much as that lifted my soul, even on the way home and I live literally 400 yards from the damn club, my gaggle of black clouds were right behind mocking me with all of their mates, I was soon back to hating the world, I couldn’t remember what had set the funk off, I just knew that I wasn’t prepared for it. So I attempted to rebuild brick by brick, I had never imagined that something as simple as a small issue with the laptop would/could affect me, I wasn’t as helpful at work as I normally was, but the mask was always kept firmly in place, the last thing I want is people at work showing me sympathy.

Then the Farce book curse kicked in, I didn’t post anything and I got gloomier because nobody missed me, I was acting like a four-year-old I know I wasn’t acting like a five-year-old, I know this is as my five-year-old is acting so much more maturely than I am at this point! I was contemplating coming off it altogether and was travelling down a road (at high speed and no brakes) so dark because there were no streetlights and I intentionally turned off my own headlights, this was not going to end happily, on top of that I had holidays booked, but the wife was working so I had a tendency to sit in the dark with no lights or TV on or any music, even the dog thought “fuck this for a game of soldiers” I wasn’t helping myself and I knew I was heading to a place I had only skirted and I was afraid really afraid. life was full of darkness, darkness of my own making but that doesn't matter to me when I am teetering on the edge of sanity!

Then a curve ball was thrown at me, human kindness kicked in and two people were gracious enough to shine a torch and lead me back to a safer path (no I’m not naming them and they would probably not know how much they helped) it’s always the small things that help! I realized I had stopped doing all of the safety measures that I had been building, I had allowed doubt to creep in and it was hacking at what were once sound foundations, now I was a crumbling mess, picking fault with everything in my life, my daughters, my dog and yes me, more than I normally would, all I had to do was to reach out and ask, I know an awful lot of people would be there to help me, just too proud to beg my mind keeps telling me, and then the light switched on and my ass got kicked straight back to reality, I have no issues my life although not brilliant was not as shit as I kept making out, my family going through what they were and me being a selfish prick, other friends going and battling depression and me not caring enough about them, people who are sick and have to drag themselves forward every day, a million other things that make my complaints pale into insignificance.

So music once again became even more important and I made sure I just associated with songs with positive attitudes and themes! I begin my climb back to life shaking off the crap that I had allowed to creep in (so insidious) but I felt I was back learning how to do house clearance like I learned in the army just this time with a flame thrower (no I never learned how to use a flamethrower) I finally grasped the nettle and did my (mental) exercises as often as I could, then I went back to work and threw myself headlong into all the stuff I had to do, some people were genuinely happy to see me (I think it could have been wind) and then our IT guy said bring your laptop in and we will sort it out, it would appear I had done all of the right things, however there is a piece of malware doing the rounds that does all of these horrible things to computers but doesn’t show up in your settings until eight days after the initial infection, it took all of ten minutes to resolve my laptop malady, and all he did was what I had already done…………talk about feeling cretinous, yes you guessed it was me! D’oh!

Then there was no holding me back I was actually waking up and feeling dare I say it……...happy well sort of, yesterday we had the hurricane for the night and he breathed life back into me, simply being a five-year-old and being frivolous generally reducing me to tears simply because I love him so much and he cares, damn it when he sits next to me I just melt, and he is so old I mean it’s unbelievable, he is streets ahead of the rest of us dealing with the loss of his brother he puts the rest of us to shame. As soon as he was ensconced in his Stormtrooper blow up bed and tent, he doesn’t seem to want to sleep in his own bed at the moment, what the hell as long as it makes him happy! Once he was a sleep I tentatively perused all of the sites that I used to go on (I’m a news Junkie), then I decided to check the blog page (I hadn’t checked numbers for nearly six weeks) I expected to see it flat lined, it wasn’t far from it, life support was still operational but it did have somebody coming backwards and forwards and reading the odd blog, my plan was (and as you can tell still is) to do my first blog in what seemed like eons.

So here I am once more (sounds like a lyric) I have been soundly kicked and beaten (mentally that is) but thankfully I didn’t stay down I got back up off the canvas, I will admit that this has been the worst six-week period of my life, I genuinely hated myself, the biggest dose of self-loathing I have ever poured all over myself, no I have no idea what causes it, I just know I have to fight it with every fibre of my being, it very nearly won this time, I don’t like that feeling, I have no intention of losing, I love my family and I love my friends without you I couldn’t fight this war called life, so now (once again) I’m back in the saddle and the line has been drawn in the sand, I intend to come back stronger than I have been in such a long time, there has to be more to life than me feeling sorry for myself and not liking what I have (created) found!  

So the little black book shall return and writing is all of part of the process, can I just say thank you to everybody who asked one way or another to those who nodded to me in the street, who took the time to text me, or those who greet me warmly whenever I sail into port, you have no idea how much I love you all, I certainly don’t deserve you, but I certainly try my best for you all, my life is to be lived not to be wasted, I have no idea what causes these problems, I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy just trying to explain to those who do not suffer from depression what it’s like, the easy road for me is to accept defeat and ask for medication, and that is the right way for some people, I don’t think it’s the right one for me, there will be even more peaks and troughs to come hopefully not as bad as the last few weeks, but hey my depression just found a new way to come at me (clever little fucker) I just have to stand and fight so here we go onwards one more time, so expect some blogs along the road on a more regular basis than they have been of late but until then Toodles!

One rule for you/Joy.

Ok so you might need sandwiches and stuff for this one, as its quite long and well if I’m honest I’m trying to shoot from the hip rather than over polish like I normally do, why? well read on all will be explained.

The name game isn’t in play as I’m going to explain all about it straight away, it’s a single by a band called After the Fire it was released back in the heady days of 1979. I paid the grand sum of 25 pence for it, bright red vinyl if memory serves me right, oh yes I liked it so therefore it barely charted, I saw them at a Christian rock gig sponsored  by the YMCA they were good for a three piece, (please don’t worry I haven’t lulled you into a cul de sac to try and convert you to Christianity) to be honest it was the b side that got my attention like Rick Wakeman meets the Dickies (there’s a description for you) they opened with it, I wasn’t really bothered about it at the time it was a soppy ballad (now I have to admit to liking it, old age and all that) but as soon as I realised what the b side was I had to have it, and I played it to death for quite a few years, why do I mention it, well actually I was flicking through YouTube (as you do) I came across a video for  both songs and I was tempted to get my Christmas pressie from last year (the turntable that connects to your computer come on you lot keep up)  but as I looked through my singles I couldn’t find it, I was devastated, my singles mean so much to me, I could part with all of my music but I have so many memories wrapped in my old 7 inch singles. I can just about remember specific days, what the weather was like, who I was with, my moods, losing a single like that is really like losing a close family member, no use crying over spilt milk, but I was devastated.

So the week progressed and after the last blog (which would appear to be a hit) I started playing about with technology (excel spread sheets) to see if I could divine what makes a good blog, as opposed to a bad blog, what makes the numbers rise and all of that. I was soon sucked into lists and numbers and it was pretty obvious I was blogging way too much at the beginning and I was shocked to actually see what the actual numbers were, I started to obsess( me with my reputation), it wasn’t the titles it was literally time and date of posting that dictated what happened, if I over populated the page well people may like what I write, however there is only so much that people want to read, Ok so point proven, I started to redefine the blog and what I intended to do in future (cunning plans) with the blog and stuff that I published, I will say that I am a rank amateur when it comes to technology and wizardry, but it makes for interesting reading, don’t worry I will not kill you with a PowerPoint presentation, it’s just interesting to see if the magic I have gleaned can be used to my advantage!

While I was doing that I was checking through a small pile of music that I had been given from a friend at work (93 gigabytes) so as I was doing my techno wizardry with Excel, I was plodding through all of these bands (about 93% of who I had no idea who the hell they were) and I soon got a rhythm for what I liked and what I didn’t, there were an awful lot trying to be like Kyuss, Metallica, Iron Maiden and the such like, rule of thumb shite vocals and they were gone, there was some awesome tunes but then the cookie monster started growling well it was oh dear goodnight Josephine, some was rather spiffing some were poor and some were absolutely shocking, obviously paid for by the bank of mum and dad, Oh dear some of it was new some of it was old some of it got about 30 seconds before deleting it forever!

Some of the good stuff, well I got the Scorpions 50^th anniversary (I forgot how much they rocked) stuff Magnum Discography (I forgot how awesome they are) Nordic Union ………. simply class look out for it, The Cult’s new album not a band I care much for, yet this release is simply a cracking CD, Masterplan, Annihilator, Black Sabbath the end, the tracks should have been on the 13 album that’s how good they were, and the list goes on I’m down to about 47 gigabyte left, I will still whittle that down some more, some artists definitely cack some simply stunning (Paul Gilberts being the pick of the crop…. album of the year already).

Then there was actual life and all that goes with it, my sleeping was sporadic and it has affected my mood and again the wife has corralled me to a safe harbour when she could, I had a full weekend to look forward to at the asylum (thankfully now over and rather uneventful for us, 3 arrests 19 banning’s, 6 ambulances 4 junkies, an autistic child in full on attack his carers were superb, one fire alarm, 32 complaints and a member of staff bitten on the arse………………..oh and no traffic issues go figure) work is just grinding away not helping, but not diverting me away from reality if you get my drift! Then my black mood caught up with me and as usual the wife thinks that it’s her, yes she has pissed me off (I’m way to bitter to write about it) but no my mood is all mine, she can’t steal the glory for it, the black dog turned up on Thursday and has shadowed me all the way to where I am right now, as I sit here typing this drivel he’s curled up at my feet, I feel way to close to this to write about it, these are indeed dark days of my own making, with langoliers(it’s a Stephen King short story) of torment ripping at my thoughts and waking and some unwaking moments, I have deployed everything in my arsenal, but this is not for the faint hearted, if you have not gone through something like this it’s very hard to describe, I’m not having the best of times with and consequently it spills over into everything else!

To compound matters, I have been bitten by a computer virus that my supposed anti-virus software seems incapable of shifting and it’s starting to annoy me tremendously, me addicted to reading stuff on the interweb thingy majig noooooooooo go figure, it doesn’t take much to send me off on a down ward spiral technology is one thing that kicks me in the slats every time!

The harbour walls are being battered by the strongest of tides, but I shall endeavour to overcome, I do not want people to be worried, I am confident that I can resecure my moorings in this thing we call life. The blog has been a great success and has helped me to great dividends and a lot of people recognised their questions etc etc, I will try to do it again, it just depends on what you send, the numbers are good and going in the right direction, so I must be doing something right,   I will only blog once a week unless I win the lottery and I wish to tell you all about, with that I’m back off to YouTube to rewind back to 1979 when I had a full head of and waistline and not a care in the world until the next time Toodles!

Now Hear This

So here is the deal, the blog has been doing sterling consistent numbers (I have no idea why either) and although I am always writing some guff or other, I thought it only fair that I should take some time out to answer some of the questions that get thrown at me on a regular basis almost like an interview type of thing, now some of the questions have been asked repeatedly, so I’m thinking that you are all developing some kind of hive mind, is that good I’m not so sure, I’m not going to name who the questions are from (you can all claim the fame)  but the bulk of them come from the same thirty odd readers even though we hit consistently triple figures it seems that we have a tribe forming, now these questions have been compiled over the last couple of years I have picked the top twenty but if it’s a success, I have as always a cunning plan going forward, so there may be some curve balls thrown in. What did you expect some soppy shit just because its valentine’s day and I’m a hopeless romantic……jog on!

Why?

The simple answer is because I can, I have blogged for over ten years now and my eldest daughter suggested it in the vain hope I would stop being an angry dad (me with my reputation) in some ways it didn’t, but I did enjoy it and I seemed to get quite a few hits well double figures, it didn’t cost anything so I thought why not.

What’s up with the name game?

You may have guessed that I like music, ok that’s an understatement about the only things that I do love is music in every form that it can come in, I drive my wife nuts, if I talk to my brother 99% of the time that’s what we talk about, it makes me happy and that’s what it’s all about, music usually drives my mood, how I feel, if I’m down I go for something to cheer me up if I’m happy (it does happen from time to time) I try to keep my frame of mind from drifting, if I’m really down there are four albums that I go to simply because they speak volumes and they do ground me, if your interested they are the first four Marillion albums, Script as it was what I was going through having not long left the army, Fugazi simply because I was living in London and that’s where my head was, Misplaced again because it speaks to me about certain things in my life thankfully it’s the whole album and not just one song, Clutching I avoided until I got divorced and Sugar Mice just brought memories of what my mother went through and what could have been for me if I had had children in that relationship. So whatever music I am playing at the time of writing the blog there's usually a favourite song this one isn't a song title its the album I have on repeat today!

Honesty seems to be a thing that runs through the blogs?

What’s the point of doing it if you are not going to be honest, it’s the one thing that I strive to be throughout my life, that’s not to say I have never lied, if I have its purely from a tactical stance, to save some one or even myself harm, but I strive to be as honest as I can be.

Where does the anger come from?

Some of you lot see an awful lot of anger in the blogs yet I don’t its simply raw emotion, it’s usually just a stream of consciousness, that then gets worked on, until I’m happy with what I’m writing. If I didn’t then you would see some real anger!

 Is drink involved?

Not when I’m writing and if truth be told I haven’t had a serious drink in over two years because of my diabetes, it’s not that I am fashion conscious (teetotal), the medication makes most alcohol taste the same (shite) and then leaves me with a foul taste for ages. I’m ok with spirts (the devils water) Guinness and some ciders but I really need to be in the right company (The Tee Hee Club) for the craic.

What has happened to The Tee Hee Club?

Its slightly in hibernation mode, for personal reasons me and the wife don’t get out as much as we used to for financial reasons, if it was down to us we would be there every weekend still with the finest people that you could ever want to spend time with, situations have changed we are all still friends and it will raise its head again sooner rather than later.

Why do you write in code?

This question gets thrown at me just about more than any other, it started out as a fun thing to see if the people who I wrote about could guess who I was writing about, then we had the redneck infestation and it became a lifesaving tool, I was encouraged by the people trying to save my life to keep doing it so I did, when you consider the original blog easily hit four figures within 48 hours of being published, this one usually hits triple digits within a week, writing in code the way I do makes it hard for me to keep a dedicated base, it is what is,  I’m not about to go back to writing or even advertising the way I used to, it’s up to you lot to spread it word of mouth.

Do you have a favourite blog?

That’s like asking me if I have a favourite child, I love them all, however some evoke different memories, I miss some people, people who have passed so that makes me nostalgic, but I’m happy with all of the blogs even some of the depressing ones, they are a means to an end, that end being its helping making me a more level person or so people tell me! If I was to say that I had a favourite bit of writing, it’s probably the book “restrooms of the strip” as that was one of the best times in all of my life never mind a moment, a great time with three of the best people in the world.

Will there be any more books?

I would love to but Blurb changed their software, supposedly making it easier to use, that was not the case for this luddite, if I can work out the workings or if I had a tech savvy friend closer to home to help me, well the answer will always be “YES”.

What does your family think of the blogs/books?

I have no idea, I have never asked, the wife used to “chat” to me sometimes depending on the nature of the blog, but now that I’m in a safer harbour, I think she reads the first paragraph sees where I’m heading off to, if she sees it’s a happyish blog she doesn’t bother reading them, that’s her loss hahaha.

 How do you start?

I see something or I hear something, for the historical ones its usually music, I don’t carry a pen and paper with me as much as I used to, I would always be scribbling thoughts, sometimes something will just happen and its gold from the very start, some fade like snowflakes, I used to write them usually the morning after so some were started but never finished simply because the memory was hazy, I literally have hundreds started but not all are fully formed some are time specific and some well some just die on the vine.

What is your mood when you write?

Any mood at all, I have written some blogs several thousand words long and I have deleted them simply because they were so dark, I write most nights, it’s a bad night if I don’t, it’s always just a stream of consciousness, then its polished so that its fit for human consumption, so if you have been around for a while and have read some of the dark blogs that have been published, try and imagine what they were like when they were first spewed onto the page.

What is the spark?

Usually my mood, be it good or bad, sometimes it’s something that I don’t know how to verbalise, I’m not a touchy feely type of person, I am getting better, but believe it or not I’m not always sure on how to verbalise a thought, well I am but usually I blunder in and stomp on people’s emotions, sometimes I just want to howl at the moon, those ones don’t usually get posted. Sometimes I just want to write I suppose it’s my hobby some people play football or go fishing I just happen to write!

Are you suicidal?

I have never had thoughts of harm, even in my darkest moments, even when I have thought everything in the universe is against me, there has always been a spark of hope, that’s not too trivialise my dark emotions, I have been in as Fish’s lyrics say out on a “Perimeter walk” many times, and I think that if I couldn’t pull myself back from those thoughts then I would say that that darkness could easily engulf me. I still have good days and bad days, more good than bad but I know I still have a way to go, but let’s just take it one step at a time. A lot of people think that because you have dark emotions you are suicidal, many people who commit suicide generally wake up one morning not realising that later that day that this day will be their last, some obviously do, my dark thoughts are years old and pick away at me from a distance, as I say best forward one step at a time.

Have you many friends?

I had to think about this one, I have hundreds and I didn’t even realise it, some might not realise the help that they have done for me, a simple word of encouragement here or there, ask me on the street and I would say no not many, but the more I think of it there are so many people in my life and I don’t realise it, I feel very honoured to have the people in my life that I do I just wish I could see them more often.

 Have you any ambitions in writing?

I have a couple, one to write the great novel, although I have a story and I have characters and a killer twist, I’m stumped at every turn, I have had a few false starts then dumped it all, I once even completed 16000 words only to delete it simply because I was in a bad mood (yes I did regret that) E had offered to be my editor (something that I could use if I’m honest) but then she was taken ill, that has been the last and greatest set back as she really encouraged me with my writing, the other one is write professionally for a newspaper, this was very nearly successful as a local newspaper editor in Boston liked the way I wrote my original blogs, and he wanted to get an English perspective on things in the world in general, it wasn’t going to be ground breaking but it would have been something to tick off the bucket list, that all stopped after the redneck infestation, oh well maybe next time.

Are you miserable?

Again I think that you need to talk to others about this, there’s no doubt I do have my moments, some people see me as a really happy camper as I put on a brave face to project an image (usually at work) I am a work in progress and again I have many people helping me, I don’t think I will ever be a happy go lucky chappy, thankfully I’m no longer a man of extremes any more there are moments of grey between the black and the white (no that’s not a football reference) as I said a work in progress one step at a time!

Do you like sailing?

Erm this one has cropped up more than I care to say, that’s a no, well not really, it’s all the sailing analogies, I have no idea where they come from, even my therapist picked up on it when I was undergoing treatment, so no, I have no desire to own a boat, I’m not a huge fan of boats, although I did used to use the shields ferry from time to time.

Is there anything that you regret publishing?

No, nope, never! it’s what I’m feeling at the time, my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

What’s next?

I have no idea, I intended to keep writing and hopefully improve, I would like to do more books that’s if technology would stop kicking me in the shins, I would like to spread my wings do a proper website again that involves technology and probably money, something that I’m lacking, but you never know all I can say as long there is an interest I intend to keep putting my best foot forward and writing these little specks of life.

So there you have it the twenty most frequently questions, maybe I should have saved it for the 300^th blog which is coming on down the line, no I don’t have a clue what I will do to celebrate, normal service should resume later in the week with a “proper” blog this took longer than I thought as the pool of questions were semi incestuous with many of the questions being asked in a similar way. That and the facy life got back in the way of my writing, too many thoughts/words too little time, I’m starting a 13 day run at work which will damned hellish but I do like a challenge until the next time Toodles.

Other side of midnight

A weekend of sloth led into a busy week, up early everyday (thankfully that also meant a quick escape) Monday as always is a day of catching up with all the antics of the crazy people who attend the asylum ( my place of work) lots of spinning plates, but thankfully it wasn't too manic, well it was but it always is, you should have the picture by now! thankfully I was soon out the door and I was heading home to make myself pretty as me and the wife were taking it too the streets with SMOR and his good lady the Damsel J of Durham, a quick turn around (well when you look as good as me.................oh look the drugs have kicked in) we were soon heading to Newcastle meeting up at a rather salubrious (I think it means a place that wouldn't normally let me in) eating establishment at the bottom of Grey Street, we made relative good speed but struggled to find a convenient parking space so we were not on time, we weren't eating out as I had made Mince and Dumplings (hearty English grub) for us before heading out!

Once we met up with our co conspirators we made a slow amble back up the hill to the car, not before stopping off at an empty looking drinking establishment which suited our purposes, drinks purchased I thought we were going to need to call an ambulance for SMOR when he discovered I was drinking Lime & Soda, I haven't forsaken alcohol, just my medication makes most of it taste like cack (not that I know what cack tastes like I hasten to add) we took our time as we weren't going to be watching the support we arrived at the venue with time to spare, we bumped into some friends and said some hello's, I thought the wife was going to have a wobble when someone asked quite innocently about the  grand children, the crisis was averted when the wife responded wonderfully and body swerved like a professional, many apologies not needed, not everybody lives their life on a computer (like me LOL) we headed in to the small hall at the Sage (my fave venue in Gateshead ............No not Newcastle) as always I'm not going to do a review of the gig, except to say we all had a  great time, even the Teutonic guitar slinger seemed to have a bloody good time, we hung around as long as we could but the night was not ours as I crawled into my pit a little after midnight, knowing I would be up in little of four hours time.

The rest of the week was a bit of a blur, life occasionally catching me up (ZZZZZZZZZZZZ) usually on the couch (what do you mean the film has finished) thankfully I made it all the way through to Friday without killing anybody or even myself for that matter,  the wife and I had a cunning plan for the coming weekend, we had a little spare cash, ok so we didn't have to pay the council tax this month so we had arranged to meet up with SMOR and his good lady on Saturday, however we had ended up booking hotels on the opposite ends of the town, its ok we still have the texts informing us of where to book, its (sob) OK, we didn't mind LOL, the wife had to go and pick the youngest up from her university for dog sitting duties and it was good to see her smiling face we had a lazy Friday night (I don't think I fell asleep once cough splutter) a late rise the next morning and then the cheese slid of my cracker, it takes me no time to get ready, however the wife took her own sweet time over everything (GRRRRRRRRRRR) it actually worked in our favour as the dog sitter had plans that went awry later on  in the day (thankfully resolved but very nearly ended in a temper tantrum with her father, but her father thought sarcasm was better suited) we left later than planned and the wife went on a detour as she ignored and abused the sat nav!

We arrived at our hotel in good time and while I was in the shower, the wife made arrangements  and sent up smoke signals and we were soon in a taxi heading into town Phase one was completed, the venue was a modern cinema / theatre set up with plenty of levels, obviously council run as the heating was set on 11 all day its the only bad thing I can report! we soon made contact and hello's were in full swing when SMOR dragged poor Bernie Marsden out to meet us, bless the man had just driven over 200 miles, were we really the people he wanted to meet, as it happens we were, what a  lovely man, so humble and just genuinely nice all round guy, hello's exchanged Bernie ran back to the safety of the coffee machine, SMOR was turning into grumpy as he was sorting out the merch for the night, we decided to leave him to it and let him get on with his job for the night and we headed out for food, well we were then the headline act arrived and were heading out for food so we didn't wish to look like we were stalking them (with my wife's reputation pfft) we headed out into the bitter cold night to look for a Spoon's cheap drink and cheap food were the order of the day yet another soft drink I think even Lady J was starting to worry about my health or my sanity I'm not sure which!

Our stomachs full, we headed back to the super warm venue where I assisted SMOR with sarcasm and the ladies assisted Pete the drummer on his ice cream choice, oh the lifestyles of the broke and the obscure  (that's me and the wife in case you hadn't guessed) Bernie Marsden took to the stage and was brilliant again just funny and honest doing the type of thing I think that David Coverdale should be doing and it would be fab! we headed back to the bar to avoid the queues and the ladies got stuck into the wine and I had my first alcoholic pint of the year and it was sooooooooooo tasty, it was even tastier because SMOR was working so therefore wouldn't indulge, it was plastic glasses (his pet hate) as well, but mine was lovely. the crowd started too fill out a bit more, not overly full but what could be expected for a backwater venue with no advertising at the end of January, most of the crowd appeared to have travelled down from Newcastle as there were a few familiar faces, not many hometown supporters but it was ok, FM came on and I took pity on SMOR and stuck with him as he would have been all on his lonesome, I could hear the gig and as this was approximately number 48 (my memory is a tad hazy but wasn't helped by SMOR having an encyclopaedic knowledge of the bands touring schedule which put me in a tail spin, I rechecked all of my details, thankfully everything is ok (I hope) I was more in a panic because I thought that there's another blog down the swanny!) I thought I would repay the favour and keep him company (maybe he didn't want any company .....oops lol!) after all he always helps me and the wife out for gigs missing one wasn't going to be the end of the world and as it happens I enjoyed the conversation.

The girls rushed off to get a good view and me and SMOR chatted and then Bernie Marsden turned up to help flog his CD's and the chat was great, one for the memory banks but he put a wonderful spin on my first time watching him in Whitesnake, he soon disappeared back to the safety of the coffee machine before going back on as he was special guest for the last two songs, then it was all over and everybody came sailing out and then the meet and greet with the great and unwashed, SMOR doing his bit for selling the merch we left him to his task, we mingled with friends and band members alike, then it was breakdown time and SMOR got well and truly stuck in, his hands like a blurry speed freak of some ninja master, the wife got her annual photo of her groping Steve Overland, I even had a photo taken as well although I wish I had asked Bernie because he was a pleasant surprise (much better than the churlish Micky Moody who we bumped into a few years previously) plenty of tales and bonhomie including the tale that he stopped to take a picture of a sign saying Redcar and sending it off to DC who replied WTF!, he didn't stay around for long as he was driving home (another 200 miles) to get home to Oxford the setting of tonight's gig at least he could climb into his pit after that particular gig!

The night was winding down and the midnight hour was approaching, the best laugh of the night was telling SMOR that the kebab shop had switched its light off, the look of panic was wonderful, as it happens a huge burger had put paid to him and he declined as we gathered our belongings, we said last goodbyes and SMOR being the only true pirate raided dressing room rider looting as much booze that he could carry (and that's a lot) as we fled off into the dead of the night, the party wasn't over we followed and jumped aboard and headed to their hotel for much merriment and to watch the packing skills of SMOR I think a hand grenade might have resolved the issue just that little bit quicker! as always the night had to come to a close and we headed  back to our hotel with the taxi driver giving us the history of taxi's in Stockton, might have been more interesting with more drink in us, but as it was it wasn't ! go figure, we flopped into our bed only to be woken by our alarm telling us to go and get breakfast, we didn't need to be told twice.

Once completed we packed and headed back to Gimpsville so we could return our dog sitter (allegedly) to university, a quiet drive home and while I was making the Sunday dinner I had to get this written I know I have missed out loads but then I'm not sure all of the humour would translate into the written word, its really you have to be there moments it helps if your sense of humour is twisted as well, that's it then the blog numbers are sustaining triple digits with a lot of new readers with lots of questions so there will definitely be a questions blog coming soon, so let me know what you want to know soon before I pick the best twenty questions, yes the name game is in play and should be relatively easy considering the content of the blog, now for some beauty sleep as I have a week of bus seat bingo ahead as I'm on the plague carrier for a week, keep spreading the word and I will see you all again for the next blog but until then.................Toodles!

Comfortably Numb

Back to work back to reality, hey ho needs must and all of that, I do need to keep the wolf from the door, so its heads down and arses up and not in a sexual kind of way! after a week off there was an awful lot to do, I had as always a cunning plan and basically kept my head down and just got on with it, it’s pointless me whinging (trust me this isn’t whinging purely a statement of facts) as there’s only me to do  the task, thankfully the week progressed in an orderly manner there wasn’t too many silly people even when I was in charge of the asylum for a duty manager shift towards the latter part of the week.

Thursday arrived with a slight lie in, a quick bacon sandwich for me and the wife and then it was time to get the plague carrier to head down the hills to civilisation (allegedly) I was perturbed as my MP3 player had gone walkies, I knew it wasn’t lost altogether, but in the rush to tidy up for Christmas it had gone  missing in the melee, and I was a grumpy guts all the way to work, getting off said transport and walking into the first idiot of the day didn’t help, thankfully that didn’t set the tone of the day as someone rushed to my aid to take said lunatic out of my line of fire. I then had a training course which soon descended into chaos, I won’t bore you with the details, let’s just say like watching the film Troy we won’t be getting that time back in our lives to do something productive!

The shift mercifully went over quick although still a late finish, with the wife doing her good deed of the fortnight by picking me up from the asylum I made good my escape and I was soon ensconced on the settee within 30 minutes of finishing my shift, just what was required so I could have an early night as I was doing a quick return the following morning as I was off on a jolly jaunt to Manchester for a training course, it would appear that the mountain does have to go towards Mohammed! So I headed up the wooden hill as the clock struck midnight (wtf how did that happen) thankfully I was soon fast asleep and thankfully climbed out of my pit at the allotted time, I’m way too old for this shit, it turns out that I can survive on only fours sleep oh dear car crash coming! The only good thing to come out of my trip away is that I changed my coat and discovered the lost MP3 player ……. hallelujah praise the lord!

Once at my desk I finished off a couple of tasks from the previous night while awaiting the troops ascending to go in one piece of transport, as we had a number of different centres to head to climb the mount as they seem to think that they are better than the rest of us, thankfully everybody turned up on time but I was a tad slow upon entering the minibus and I ended up with small middle seat at the front of the vehicle this was going to be awkward, you see I may be an overweight person and I can fit into quite a small space, it was the immobility of legs that was going to be the problem, and then we were off all restricted to 63 miles per hour oh joy! At least I had organised a large supply of sweeties to keep the kids occupied!

The weather was horrific really bad rain and with all the works on the roads meant that a two and a half journey ended up being four hours (with only the tinniest toilet break for the ladies) we hurried across the site and yes you guessed it, nobody had waited even though we were only thirty minutes, this was because of an upside down Audi just outside of Manchester we even rang ahead and told them how long we were going to be, they could have had an extra cup of tea, nope fuck the northern scum they just cracked on, my arse by this time after being cramped in the little area in the front was numb Jeremy Thorpe couldn’t have got any life back into it, we knew we were going to have the last laugh because as soon as we walked in there was the same chaos that we had witnessed the day before, different course same result!

We found seats or in my case I stood at the back hoping that the circulation would return, at this point I was asked to sit, when I politely declined, I was ordered to sit (you can see where this is going can’t you)I wasn’t so polite this time and I described in great detail that I had been travelling for four hours to get there and the fact that my arse was numb I would probably end up on the floor, I was a tad more polite when I enquired if we should step outside and have a private conversation regarding the numbness of my arse! Thankfully common sense returned as the person taking the course could see we were all ready to kick off, once again the chaos descended, after an hour and a half the course was halted while we had a (very poor) lunch only to be told at the end of it that the course was being cancelled while they thought long and hard about some of the questions already raised, somebody’s arse was going to get kicked thankfully not mine, so we headed for home not before the ladies went off to M&S and bought wine and nibbles.

We climbed back aboard the transport and headed homeward bound, why not swap? well believe it or not the two smallest were in that position and the ladies who would have been better off in the front said no and got stuck into the wine, so much for democracy, thankfully the sun was shining and the only restriction on the journey back north was the sixty-three miles per hour restriction that was holding the engine back, thankfully we pulled in with the minimum of fuss (the ladies had gone off to the land of nod earlier in the journey) and we all slid out of the seats, everybody had numb arse syndrome we all praised the lord upon ejection.

The wife collected me, with a surprise of the hurricane in the back of the car, even if he was a tad subdued, it was late for him but I was shocked when he said that he wanted to go straight to bed when he got in, so off he went and he slept for nearly twelve hours, an early rise and some car play with his track and stuff before we took him home, I was doing a good deed for the Chaplain at work and then we were off to see Star Wars, some time for ourselves which in itself is a rarity these days, we enjoyed it and upon getting home I tweaked this a bit, inserting some stuff and deleting other bits as I am trying to keep the blogs “up” just a little bit!

Today was me being left to my own devices and I sank quicker than the Titanic once the wife was out of the door, I have no idea why, thankfully I was back on an upward climb by the time I heard the car screech into its parking space, I made a lovely dinner for the lady of the house (mince and dumplings if you are interested, it was nice even if the gravy was a tad weak) so I then was late out of the blocks for this the last version of this week’s blog. The blogs have done fab, numbers are steady but I panicked as I thought we nearly had an infestation of the R word (no not rats) thankfully this proved not to be the case, so here I am a little happier already plotting next week’s blog with hopefully a gig tomorrow at The Sage (you will have to guess) and then going down country at the end of the week to see the wonderful FM even though we have booked the hotel five miles from the venue, I have no idea how SMOR finds a country never mind a bloody venue!

So there you have it, are we returning to an even keel probably not, but one has to try, as always thank you for all of the kind comments and questions, although I have been tempted to do an interview type of blog as I have been asked loads of questions by you lot the discerning readers (WTF) ……....................go figure! So that’s us out of here, watch the skies for incoming, until the next time ……………...Toodles!