Get the funk out

Well that went south really fast, so many thoughts, so many cunning plans totally derailed by a simple computer virus (first one ever) so fast that it led me to places I didn’t want to contemplate and that it led me down roads I didn’t particularly want to travel, my mind made me super paranoid, I kept thinking it was rednecks revenge, thankfully it wasn’t.

I was soon at a loss at what to do, I had antivirus software that simply seemed to actively encourage it to go even more haywire, me being the technophobe that I am I was soon looking for NSA satellites and thinking that the world would soon be nigh!  

I did all the things that I thought I should be doing running scans and the such like, but soon I was retreating into my own little world not caring about it in anyway shape or form with some great advice from lots of people who are way more knowledgeable than me (many thanks to all of my IT support) I wasn’t winning, and I admit I threw my hands up and turned my back on it, about the only thing I could go on was Farce book, but even that wasn’t appealing. So I withdrew even further into my shell not wanting to interact with anybody other than the wife (yeah I bet she was over the moon with all the attention) mind you in the time off line I did discover a new bad habit hoovering all of the house with the wife’s new battery operated Dyson…………Go figure! I suppose it could have been so much worse.

What did I do, well to be honest it would appear I did what it seems to be what I do best, I sulked because I was at a total loss this thing that I kept pouring all of my random thought’s wasn’t working the way I wanted it to! I didn’t want to go online and put any of my passwords in, just in case the world took over and made it do things I didn’t want it to do, I did play lots of music and did a bit of reading, but I wasn’t a happy camper, I was deleting emails, before I even read them, I realized I was behaving in an increasing unusual and irrational way (yes way more than I usually do) I actually sat and watched that godless thing in the corner of the living called (shock horror) the Television, yes I know I thought it was something terminal!

Out of the darkness came an unexpected night with fabulous company and it did shock me out of my system, if even for just a little while, the plastic jelly baby was robbed so we could enjoy good company good beer ……...erm no I only had two pints (I just can’t seem to hold drink at all, not as  in drunkenness just the taste, it’s so off putting at the moment) but I didn’t throw a strop and demand to go home, which is what I think the wife was expecting, but I did suffer with tinnitus for about 5 days after the night, the band were just that little bit loud(maybe I am just getting old)but as much as that lifted my soul, even on the way home and I live literally 400 yards from the damn club, my gaggle of black clouds were right behind mocking me with all of their mates, I was soon back to hating the world, I couldn’t remember what had set the funk off, I just knew that I wasn’t prepared for it. So I attempted to rebuild brick by brick, I had never imagined that something as simple as a small issue with the laptop would/could affect me, I wasn’t as helpful at work as I normally was, but the mask was always kept firmly in place, the last thing I want is people at work showing me sympathy.

Then the Farce book curse kicked in, I didn’t post anything and I got gloomier because nobody missed me, I was acting like a four-year-old I know I wasn’t acting like a five-year-old, I know this is as my five-year-old is acting so much more maturely than I am at this point! I was contemplating coming off it altogether and was travelling down a road (at high speed and no brakes) so dark because there were no streetlights and I intentionally turned off my own headlights, this was not going to end happily, on top of that I had holidays booked, but the wife was working so I had a tendency to sit in the dark with no lights or TV on or any music, even the dog thought “fuck this for a game of soldiers” I wasn’t helping myself and I knew I was heading to a place I had only skirted and I was afraid really afraid. life was full of darkness, darkness of my own making but that doesn't matter to me when I am teetering on the edge of sanity!

Then a curve ball was thrown at me, human kindness kicked in and two people were gracious enough to shine a torch and lead me back to a safer path (no I’m not naming them and they would probably not know how much they helped) it’s always the small things that help! I realized I had stopped doing all of the safety measures that I had been building, I had allowed doubt to creep in and it was hacking at what were once sound foundations, now I was a crumbling mess, picking fault with everything in my life, my daughters, my dog and yes me, more than I normally would, all I had to do was to reach out and ask, I know an awful lot of people would be there to help me, just too proud to beg my mind keeps telling me, and then the light switched on and my ass got kicked straight back to reality, I have no issues my life although not brilliant was not as shit as I kept making out, my family going through what they were and me being a selfish prick, other friends going and battling depression and me not caring enough about them, people who are sick and have to drag themselves forward every day, a million other things that make my complaints pale into insignificance.

So music once again became even more important and I made sure I just associated with songs with positive attitudes and themes! I begin my climb back to life shaking off the crap that I had allowed to creep in (so insidious) but I felt I was back learning how to do house clearance like I learned in the army just this time with a flame thrower (no I never learned how to use a flamethrower) I finally grasped the nettle and did my (mental) exercises as often as I could, then I went back to work and threw myself headlong into all the stuff I had to do, some people were genuinely happy to see me (I think it could have been wind) and then our IT guy said bring your laptop in and we will sort it out, it would appear I had done all of the right things, however there is a piece of malware doing the rounds that does all of these horrible things to computers but doesn’t show up in your settings until eight days after the initial infection, it took all of ten minutes to resolve my laptop malady, and all he did was what I had already done…………talk about feeling cretinous, yes you guessed it was me! D’oh!

Then there was no holding me back I was actually waking up and feeling dare I say it……...happy well sort of, yesterday we had the hurricane for the night and he breathed life back into me, simply being a five-year-old and being frivolous generally reducing me to tears simply because I love him so much and he cares, damn it when he sits next to me I just melt, and he is so old I mean it’s unbelievable, he is streets ahead of the rest of us dealing with the loss of his brother he puts the rest of us to shame. As soon as he was ensconced in his Stormtrooper blow up bed and tent, he doesn’t seem to want to sleep in his own bed at the moment, what the hell as long as it makes him happy! Once he was a sleep I tentatively perused all of the sites that I used to go on (I’m a news Junkie), then I decided to check the blog page (I hadn’t checked numbers for nearly six weeks) I expected to see it flat lined, it wasn’t far from it, life support was still operational but it did have somebody coming backwards and forwards and reading the odd blog, my plan was (and as you can tell still is) to do my first blog in what seemed like eons.

So here I am once more (sounds like a lyric) I have been soundly kicked and beaten (mentally that is) but thankfully I didn’t stay down I got back up off the canvas, I will admit that this has been the worst six-week period of my life, I genuinely hated myself, the biggest dose of self-loathing I have ever poured all over myself, no I have no idea what causes it, I just know I have to fight it with every fibre of my being, it very nearly won this time, I don’t like that feeling, I have no intention of losing, I love my family and I love my friends without you I couldn’t fight this war called life, so now (once again) I’m back in the saddle and the line has been drawn in the sand, I intend to come back stronger than I have been in such a long time, there has to be more to life than me feeling sorry for myself and not liking what I have (created) found!  

So the little black book shall return and writing is all of part of the process, can I just say thank you to everybody who asked one way or another to those who nodded to me in the street, who took the time to text me, or those who greet me warmly whenever I sail into port, you have no idea how much I love you all, I certainly don’t deserve you, but I certainly try my best for you all, my life is to be lived not to be wasted, I have no idea what causes these problems, I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy just trying to explain to those who do not suffer from depression what it’s like, the easy road for me is to accept defeat and ask for medication, and that is the right way for some people, I don’t think it’s the right one for me, there will be even more peaks and troughs to come hopefully not as bad as the last few weeks, but hey my depression just found a new way to come at me (clever little fucker) I just have to stand and fight so here we go onwards one more time, so expect some blogs along the road on a more regular basis than they have been of late but until then Toodles!