Good Morning Judge

So there I was down but not out, I had a date to appear in court for my alleged (cough splutter) plagiarism, I knew I was screwed! but I wanted to see how screwed, so I scraped up the cash for a big money consult and he suggested I should buy a new arse! because the one I had at the time was about to be ruined, hell for £700 I wanted better news than that, my mates told me that in the pub and they at least bought me a pint for the privilege, the only good news I was given was to go to court without a lawyer, (and they expect to get paid for that kind of advice fuck me) hells bells I didn't have the money for one anyway, I actually expected the cheque I paid my fee to bounce all the way back to me, so for once I did as I was told, actually he said play for time, so not to turn up with a lawyer, so he could prepare the case, I cheekily asked a conservative price for dealing with the case and he said two years and at least £200000...WTF the cheeky bastard! so I turned up to court without a lawyer because I didn't have one, I had sacked him.

It was a sunny day (maybe that's why I hate sunny days so much) and we were the first case in court number 2 (I giggled childishly at that one, because the day was just going to get shitter as it went on) and I sat at the back because I didn't have a clue, the judge came in and asked where I was, I politely put my hand up and was asked to sit at the front, then I was asked "where's your lawyer"? "I don't have one your honour" to which he looked at me as though I was certifiable, hahaha at the time I probably was! I was asked to accompany the judge to his chambers (can I just take this moment to let the world know that at no time did he interfere with me or my body) he asked me a few questions and listened to my answers, to paint the picture at the time I was a long haired (lover from Liverpool ....ooops Ok maybe's not) lout who hadn't wore "proper clothes" in about four years. I hadn't seen a shirt since the army, but on this day I had my hair cut to a respectable length, shaved and I was wearing (gasp,shock,horror) trousers, not jeans and a shirt with a tie (I looked a right clip I can assure you) I looked a tad  respectable, the guys who dragged me to court to sue my sorry ass  had come up in the lift and not given me a second look it was so funny. I gave the judge a sob story I had just bought a house, I wasn't able to work in my profession etc etc and he bought it he gave me some advice, free of charge, I pretended that I was an innocent in a sea of devils, and he took it in hook line and bloody sinker, hahahaha so we went back into the court room and he adjourned the case, he moved the case to Durham so that I didn't have to travel he even awarded me costs for my travel down to London for the day, as I told him I had a return ticket as I didn't have the money to stay anywhere as I expected (ahem) for the case to be found against me and I would just suffer the consequences, the two guys who had brought the case sat there as though they had been kicked in the nuts the day had cost them about £1500 and me about £45 for my train fare which I got back hahaha.

The next date was set six months down the line and I set about preparing my case  along the lines of what the judge had said, I declined the legal aid solicitor because I was a screwed pooch anyway my intention was to fight a war of attrition and to cost them money, I was there on time on the allotted time and their guy wasn't he was stuck on a train somewhere south of Derby hahahaha another £1500 + for them less than £3.00 bus fare for me, the case was put on the back burner for another date in the courts calendar 8 months down the line, to which I turned up again with my plastic bag of papers this time they were two of them and they had travelled up the night before, How did I know this? I sat behind them in the café while waiting to go in, it was fun we had the same rigmarole about where was my lawyer, I told my tale in court this time and they kicked off saying I was stalling (me with my reputation) I just sat there looking innocent, they complained so far that the case had taken nearly two years at a cost of nearly £70000, shocking was my thought it had cost me next to fuck all haha, we sat through the day of evidence and then I claimed that some of the things that they had claimed were new to me and that I couldn't possibly answer without checking my facts first, the judge agreed and gave me another six months on account of the fact that I was now working a menial job on minimum wage, they were fuming as they left the court.

The next date was nearly two years after the initial start of the case and when I went to court this time I asked for it to be dismissed, as I was now getting screwed by the tax man (see last blog), I was told that they couldn't dismiss it (I knew that I was doing what I do best and that is too play dumb) as it had gone on for so long, then the dumbass's discovered that they hadn't brought the relevant paperwork, the case was moved for four weeks and then I missed the court date as my mother had had a stroke,A genuine case I was there three months down the line and we were fast approaching the three year mark, we all sat down in the judges chambers to discuss how we could get the case solved, the lawyers sat and again whinged that heir costs now exceeded £90000, and that they were no further forward, I explained that they had hounded me out of my chosen profession that my wife had left me because of it and that my mother had had a stroke because of it, how could you put a monetary cost on that,(I could have written a country and western song about it hahahaha) the judge only went and agreed with me hahahaha we were given a further 12 weeks to sort it out amicably, I ignored the first letter and claimed it hadn't come through, when the second letter arrived I had to sign to say I received it, I signed in my brothers name and then sat on it for three weeks , well I never saw my brother that often as we worked opposite shifts hahaha, we finally got to court and my final play was that I was working a number of menial jobs just to keep my head above water, that I was being prosecuted by the tax man who was now looking at the business practices of the people who dragged me through the courts, the bounders, I had lost my house in the divorce, and my family were suffering I wouldn't be able to pay any money back and would have to declare myself bankrupt, I went on and on like this for nearly twenty minutes. the court found in their favour , but because I had suffered because of their maliciousness when they could have had a lump sum of money off the major wanting to sign me, they got all they deserved case dismissed, Their lawyer got done for contempt of court and left the court head hanging low.

They disagreed with the judge and tried to appeal they were knocked back and nearly four years after denying me the job that I loved (ahem cough splutter whoops) they were told to wind their collective neck in, they didn't pay their solicitors and got dragged through the courts for that as well, I believe they owed £104,000 for the case against me, they then had costs for the second case etc etc I reckon they lost £200,000  when  they could have made £10,000 for fuck all, but no they got greedy and saw their cash cow moving onto pastures greener, it cost me I reckon £50 at most for bus fares, the moral of the story is don't fuck with me I don't care if I lose, in my mind I will always win and I really don't give a rats ass what it costs the opposition! because I have sod all to my name way.

And that concludes the historical trilogy that I promised you, about my past life in the music industry, was it better than the usual miserable waffle I post ? I suppose it depends on the numbers (and they have been so good) for those of you who care (and there does seem to a few of you) about my general mental health issues, I'm doing OK at the moment no silly moments the wife isn't shouting at me (well no more than normal) thanks for the comments and watch the skies there will be more soon as I seem to have hit a purple patch I just need to see how I organise the stream of consciousness that I have been writing of late, until then Toodles!