This one has been an awful long time in coming, in actual fact I have spent four hours before I wiped it and started a fresh, I keep bleating on about that I'm concerned about being miserable all of the time! I have come to the conclusion that it's what I am, for better or worse its exactly who I am, so for better or worse it's my life like it or lump it!
The work week has been as always hectic and if I am honest, (I do try to be honest) I like the fact that I can lose myself in work, without work I do believe I would go totally over to the dark side, and that's not something I want to do, I realise that I do indeed have so much to live for and the fact that although I'm generally unhappy with my lot, it's mine and it's down to me to fix it and nobody else! as you are all aware that I have had a few disturbing posts of late and I finally reached out for the help that I require, we wait with baited breath to see what happens, I keep feeling trigger happy sat in the life's waiting room playing Russian roulette, stand straight tomorrow's here yesterday's gone I need to deal with the now and not what is out there in the stratosphere!
Music has been helping as always mainly, Fish and Fish era Marillion although I'm heading back to late seventies and early eighties rock, it helps me feeling human and not like some diamonded Harlequin, seeking sanctuary from my dreams, they are indeed my dreams! innocence has surprised me and resurrected hope and that in itself has more questions than answers? looking at the world through shades of green instead of shades of blue (this was originally called jealousy) as I realised that my problems is that I'm actually jealous of the world and all the colours of life that I don't seem to taste! my life seems to be predominantly black and it's a colour I'm starting to hate, as is probably everybody around me.
I have noticed I can't take a compliment (WTF) and I see things that are not there (no not paranoia) have I always been like this? I don't know. I'm not sure how many of you nice people give me a compliments? but it's unnerving that I seem to have this trait, I had never noticed it before but it seems that I always keep putting myself down, (WTF) why the hell do I do that? I know I have a "different" sense of humour is this the root of my problems I don't know and more importantly should I care? I'm sure I will find out soon enough. I have done tons of writing for the blog over the last couple of weeks and nothing fitted, it all seemed skewed sort of incomplete, it wasn't bad it wasn't depressing (like this one hahahahaha) it just didn't seem right, it's like I didn't hear myself with the same voice as I normally do (damn this is making me sound so bloody nutty it's unreal) I do know the writing has helped and helped a lot and although I'm not keeping everything It's cathartic it means I'm not going off like a scatter gun and going loopy with the family which I have to admit I'm trying to keep some anger at bay all the time, Somehow I don't think that's a good thing hahahaha.
As I have travelled back and forward to work, I have worked on a blog entitled Jealousy ( I might have mentioned that just checking to see if you are paying attention at the back) and I liked it! it was dark but not morose, it was what my head has been processing for the last few days, every time I thought I had an angle on it wallop it would kick me in the slats and take me back to being the miserable person that I have been over the last few blogs and I'm sorry but with little steps I intend to be miles away, before the misery in me knows that I am indeed well away! although I have utilised the first part from what I was writing, it seemed as though there were just riddle upon riddle and I need to return to a more simplistic approach and not over think the process, so here's the deal if I have an idea get it down on paper (as always) polish it and get it up on here as quick as I can I do believe that was the success of the original page as I was always told in the army Keep It Simple Stupid!
so the days of blogs of custard creams and insulting rednecks might see a return well! OK so not the insulting of rednecks, but you get the general idea!
Thursday was a long day with a few curveballs thrown in but even though it was a long day it could have been so much worse and as always I like to focus on something in front of me and keep that to help me through the day, Friday I was duty dog (me with my reputation) and although the shift ended as quickly as it had begun, I was confused about my bus times (easily happens at my age) I ran out of the door simply as I didn't want to get shouted at (for working for a living). I soon realised after I got to my bus stand that the times change after seven (D'OH!)so I could have hobbled there with no worries, but no I went as fast as my little legs would carry me, I then saw the world and his camel waiting for the same bus this was going to be a long ride but at least I could get a seat at some point in the ride home (erm no that's not true) the bus was full of noisy teenagers (hang em all I say) and pissed up old aged pensioners, damn I needed a seat after two long days, the bus slowly emptied but it took all the way to Shotley Bridge before I got the sweet relief I craved, I wasn't a happy Bunny going through the front door (no surprise there then) but I was attempting to be civil, the eldest still fraying every last nerve but I opted not to have a drink to help decompress, as that would not help me with my loose tongue,I ended up on the laptop writing and writing some more, until I was tempted with a soft seat on the couch and the surprisingly long Blink! finally I awoke and headed to a singular sleep that was so divine I was the last one up this morning (WTF) and felt rested for it.
Today has been as always a strange day, as always a prisoner in my own house as it appears that I wear an anklet that means I'm not trusted out of the house, so I did keep an eye on (work) emails and did some more writing silly stuff, stuff to humour me nobody else, I worked a little on the great novel (hahahaha) which will be the last book that I do indeed publish, 14 years in the planning and not a word written hahahahaha I could do with a solitary week away somewhere to crack on and do nothing but try and crack the big one! Or maybe just a week me doing what I used to do twenty years ago off with the habit of the windswept thumb, who knows because I know I don't and that is really my issue, I haven't got a bloody clue, and that's me done! Not the blog that started and after this gets posted, I will continue with the writing I feel as though I have words streaming out of me in a good way, so I will go with the flow and try and not upset the world or it's friends I hope this wasn't too psychedelic for you and yes there will be more in the next few days so watch the skies, thanks as always for the kind words and support you know who you are ....onwards Toodles!
No comments:
Post a Comment