Mystery Train

Mystery Train.

And so it came to pass that with the coming of the dawn the day had finally arrived for the mother of all road trips were we ready hell no but that wasn’t going to stop us.....although several things did try to conspire against us!

I woke with cramp in both of my legs and to the delicate sound of the wife throwing her guts up (oh deep joy) everybody had suffered (except me) but thankfully it was the tail end of the hurricane we gathered ourselves and yes I did one or two work related emails (I had to leave one or two messages and jobs to upset certain people) we checked and rechecked everything to make sure that no stone was left unturned and all the items that we had to take with us (kitchen sink, thermo nuclear device...Husband) was all present and correct, well ok I was present but I’m not sure if I was correct! I still felt like hammered shit, but better than I had done in many months nothing could go wrong now (oh shut up you Muppet), the Kraken arrived and put us through our paces and wished us a good holiday (Pinocchio) we jumped into the taxi and finally we were off.

The drive down was pleasant and although we ran into some roadwork’s we still arrived in plenty of time, on the way down between small talk we listened to the radio and although I hate most music today but I find some of the hypocrisy that has been handed out over the years rather silly songs like Relax, Roxanne too name but two which allegedly deals with what  can be construed as be rude or even offensive but in a twenty minute taxi ride we heard Ed Sheeran sing his song the A Team all about going out and selling your body for a couple of grams, funny how times change a great song but the content twenty years ago would have had him burnt at the stake! we still didn’t beat our co conspirators to the designated meeting place but we had plenty of time to head to the right platform and wait several years before we were allowed on the bloody train, while we waited the ladies decided to go and get food supplies while the gentlemen looked after the cases the wife decided to be cruel, she came back with a chicken sandwich with Jalapeño’s on, normally she doesn’t like me to have “spicy” food but she was being nice (uh oh) and although the sandwich was nice it actually brought tears to my eyes that’s how much me and my girly taste buds suffered. G started early and was soon getting abused for wearing a Gregg’s bag as a beard cover!

We finally got settled only for some arse to get on at Durham and to be playing episodes of futurama at full tilt (count to three please don’t get arrested before you get on the plane for murder) thankfully they were only on for one stop, I thought the ladies were going to show him the outside of the train at speed, once the dingbats had got off we soon settled into a natural rhythm of silliness and banter, I was still receiving an inordinate amount of grief everytime I took out the little black book (it wasn’t always about what was happening at that moment in time it usually was about something that wandered back into my skull) E couldn’t work out what was triggering me to write stuff down (and as I read back through my scribbled notes neither could I) as we pulled into York we soon had the rest of the Chinese nation on board as they must have known G was with us or maybe they just wanted his ten dollar (hey sailor) at this point I was trying to get some sleep but the habit of announcing every station over the tannoy was starting to get annoying, on top of that the Jalapeño simply wouldn’t go away so we arrived in Leeds for me to find the train filling up and a corpse sitting next to me!

Everybody except me was wearing the t-shirts that E had got us(which looked fab!) I had elected not to wear mine as I knew that at some point there would be food involved and with my reputation for slopping was at the forefront of my mind so I opted to be a good boy (oh how little did I know) I have to admit I as always enjoyed the trip to Manchester looking at the old stone built buildings and the countryside well I say I enjoyed it right until the conversation took a left turn with regards a certain Nikki Sixx and how a certain person (oh alright it was E is nothing sacred) thought that he had got a little “podgy” around the middle so she might just have to “transfer her feelings of lust” her words not mine to his son who thankfully we discovered is out of his teenage years (me and G were wondering if we should tip off the FBI).

We arrived at the hotel without much further incident and the staff were pleasant (if you’re not pleasant at a five star hotel why work there) but as usual in the UK a bunch of robbing bastards for the internet facilities it was £15 a day let’s see how our American cousins do! I was still a little concerned for the wife although the good company was lifting her spirits she still wasn’t operating at 100% but bless her she was giving it everything she could, we got an emergency call from our youngest who had had an issue on the bus (the bunch of robbing bastards) in which she had to pay full fare I was so glad I had given her an emergency fund in case of such a thing happening (see I can plan ahead) and in the background from the Kraken which I was praying wasn’t going to turn into the shape of things to come she did indeed sound ill and seemed to be coming down with what the wife had been suffering with, as she hung up I reminded her nothing short of death was stopping us going (or rather her).

We decided to kill some time with a reconnaissance trip to airport and we arranged a lift with the hotel’s mini bus but in the excitement to get going I climbed like a mountain goat over the top of the seat, G was kind enough to point out exactly how to move the seat (D’oh!) well he should know by now I’m a dumbass and I don’t do technology! Upon arrival we discovered that there was a Spar in the airport which was good as we had no intention of paying £7 for a crap sandwich in the hotel, we also had no intention of staying for breakfast either (how much you dandy highway man) we headed back to kick back and chill in the hotel and we said or good nights and I broke out the IPod so I could  listen to some more Jeff Foxworthy about how I might be a redneck see I do like the redneck way of life it’s just the narrow-mindedness of the few that amaze me.

We are both lying here waiting to drift off into the fields of sleep and dreams and wait for the new day one full of positivity and with some luck the wife’s batteries will be recharged enough for her to enjoy the start (proper) of our holiday........oh how little did I know!

Rain on the scarecrow

Rain on the scarecrow.

I have to be careful now as people (the wife) are getting suspicious that I seem to be doing a little bit more writing of late oops don’t want to give the game away, anyway onwards and well if I’m honest sideways!

Whatever you do please don’t mention the R word!

A late night after such a heavy day was a bad move but with Junior having so much problem getting to sleep it really wasn’t much of an option, but I went over relatively quickly and I was aware of both of my alarms going off but I blinked again and again I was scrambling to be ready for my lift, who was in retarded mode from the second I got in the car (bless him) I have some assistants at work now and I’m trying to do some tough love with them to see how they react nothing heavy I just want to see how they think, but if they don’t and just plod on they ain’t the person for the job, anyway my lift didn’t want to do what I asked him, so I have to admit (I was tired) that I would drag his body out into an open field and leave it there I had no intention of burying it, I told him if I wanted his input I would ask for it and for him to wind his neck in, well as usual he was so blinkered he tried to again get his point across, I was so mad I asked him to stop the car so I could kick in the seat of his pants without the possibility of me causing a crash, when he realised that I was deadly serious he shut up and the rest of the journey was suffered in silence I got out of the car at the other end and stomped off in a right foul mood(did I tell you that I was tired) I then raged like Attila the Hun for the next two hours ragging people who weren’t doing their jobs and basically being a twat, the word soon got round like a signal being sent around by jungle drums.

I got to the control room just as a contractor was being abusive to one of the lads, I have to admit to being a tad impolite and when he realised that the lunatic in front of him ( yes I wasn’t standing behind the bullet proof glass this time) was his only hope of actually being allowed to work on site today he calmed (I wish I could of) down and he actually apologised thankfully as I was about to crash and burn, I settled down to start reading all the stuff I had to do and the hour was up as soon as it had started, and if I’m honest I have no recollection of it. Today was going to be my second day of hell but at least I could stay in the office and crack on doing all the paperwork I had to do. The audit started virtually straight away although I was left to my own devices ( I wondered if word of my stroppiness had got around) and pretty soon I was again lost in lots of work that probably would have took our temp half the time it took me but I was tired and I was really struggling to focus, the auditor went for a jolly jaunt around site so I decided to go see the wife who was on site having her hair done (thanks Mo) and a friendly face was enough to perk me up and give a second wind (and not of the flatulence kind) I grabbed a sandwich and headed back to my office but I noticed everybody kept their distance from Mr. Angry, I wasn’t bothered at this point most of the nuggets think they should get paid no matter how retarded they act.

Break over the audit came into the big office and I sat at the back getting on with my work until it was my time to see the Spanish inquisition, what I didn’t realise was that everytime a question was asked I answered (silently) the question, telling the answer the way it should be told, (I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I was even doing this) just one word answers, try not to give too much away that’s the game, after the auditor took me to one side and said I had cheered him up as he was actually watching me and waiting for my answers rather than the ones being proffered by the person the questions were being targeted, consequently when a good 40 % of the audit was supposed to be directed at me and the work I do, I actually got asked two questions (result) at this point my lift turned up to apologise (by this time I was shattered so I didn’t really care) for being a tit and I bet you a pound to a penny he still doesn’t know what he did wrong he just knows that he upset the one person that has his back and who can dictate the amount of work that heads his way.  The audit for me was over (just like the war) I turned to completing the work that I wouldn’t be able to do over the next ten days and again I was soon lost in the work, it wasn’t until after five that I realised how tired I was and the fact that there was a lot of happiness in the rooms around me that it was time for me to get the hell out of dodge, not before I had a hissy fit because I thought I had lost my mobile(that will be the one charging in the socket you Muppet) the wife told me that she was nearly there, with Junior in tow so we could take him home early as the eldest wasn’t well, we were quite giddy as we walked back up the hill to the car because it meant that the holiday was drawing ever closer.

On the way home I offered a Chinese meal as a treat (gratefully accepted) and I was soon blinking on the settee full of prawns and pineapple, then it was time to go and get the youngest from college I sat in the car quiet and for a change I wasn’t thinking about a dozen things that I had to the next day at work! so I was probably just a tad too quiet and the wife was a bit concerned, but in reality I soon pulled myself out of my little rut and we arrived in Gateshead to the sounds of ELO as the rain started to fall and at this point I felt like a scarecrow (did I need to go and see the wizard of Oz probably because I felt I was losing all my stuffing) our youngest (blind long story don’t ask) daughter jumped in the car and halfway back the IPod shuffle hit some Jeff Foxworthy the American comedian who highlights the Redneck way of life (didn’t I tell you not to mention the R word) and I do have to admit to having a chuckle all the way home.

The rest of the night was spent writing this and eating jelly babies (no I’m not pregnant) and fine tuning it as this will probably be the last time during the holiday I get to write up the day as it happens from here on in its my little black book of notes and hopefully my brain cells remember why I scribbled at the time of doing what I did. It now starts to get interesting the mother of all road trips starts here and now.......

Oh and please don’t mention the R word.

Aint Dead Yet!

Ain’t dead yet!

Sleep hadn’t been the answer (although I did sleep) I was wide awake before my the first of my alarms had went off at 4.20 I was running through the chain of events that had the potential to unfold as the day went on, and I was trying make sure that I had indeed covered all the bases, it was what it was I had no option but to crack on.

Now I am aware that at the moment I seem to be coming across as a whinging git and to be honest yes I probably am! That’s not the intention but it’s where I seem to be heading. I love the job I do, but because I intend to finish for March 31^st (hahaha oops sorry reality keeps trying to kick in) and just the slightest curveball makes everything spin out of control and then the house of cards that I have (rather scrappily) constructed falls down around my ankles like a pair of week old underwear (yuk or so I’m told) I’m getting nervous for the day ahead.

My lift was on time and as always was waffling on about the inside of a ping pong ball (get a grip you twat its 5.30 in the fecking morning) but I entered work with a serenity I didn’t feel that I deserved, this was meant to be a total day of hell, if I kept my nerve and didn’t blink the day would be won with a smile on my face (ok so it would be wind! what do you expect with a blog site entitled walks with broken hoop) I gathered my paperwork and got ready to do the first job of the day my first hour is spent checking paperwork normally stuff that was missed the day before and as I walked into the control room I expected to be hit with shit loads I was gobsmacked that I only had three to do (still a pain but three I can live with) as soon as my allotted hour was up I was away and running (ok limping) I had 11 inspections to do and nothing was going to stop me.... well not quite the fire brigade did try and stop me and unfortunately I had to body swerve I could tell they were pissed off but needs must I had things to do hells bells do they not know who the hell I am?

Now I’m not going to bore you with the details let’s just say it went well, and I mean really well it was a pain but with only one letter to send out of 11 inspections, I wish the rest of the centre actually was as good as the retail park. But as I waited (not very long) for the people who I had appointments with to be finished with their customers I have to admit when I wasn’t filling in bits and pieces (I don’t hang about I crack on while waiting) I was doing my people watching thing, the difference between stores expensive or otherwise is minimal, they may look different but in all reality they all treat them with contempt whether it’s a pound store or a shop with a dining table for £7000, the customer is simply seen as a victim for them to put their hand in your pocket and empty it as quick as possible, and these people aren’t bad they are just driven by the figure sheet and anything that gets in the way gets mowed down. But in amongst everybody there were tall, short, fat, skinny, bald, smelly, clean and everything in-between, people picking their noses when they thought that nobody was looking, the people who when ordering their food in a fast food place ordered a couple of cheap burgers while they waited for their main order, the staff who hated their menial tasks and the look of contempt on their faces because they think that they are better, the young staff who genuinely want to do the best they can because life hasn’t been and kicked their get up and go out of them (yet) it was a blur of work as well as people in all their glory the good the bad and the unwashed.

The knees held up until the last hour and then the pain kicked in, but I had won I did what I had to and I had come through the other side the winner. I headed home knowing the hard part (physically) was done and dusted; and it was the mental bit tomorrow and I had to try and get my brain into some kind of working order (hahahaha).

The wife had done her bits and pieces and was heading home at the same time as me but on the phone she sounded like she was at 40000 feet already and if she kept it up she was going to need breathing apparatus just to get in the back door! She had (again) a minor altercation in the back street as she was bringing in the food shopping and the Kraken was actually being helpful (yes I was suspicious as well) the stress levels were high but were in acceptable parameters. I headed off for a soak in the bath (much needed) and a shed load of pain killers.

The grandchild was being whinny as kids sometimes get and I could tell that the wife indeed was going to have her hands full, I was right as she spent half the night trying to calm him down.

I did the decent thing and made the tea that had been requested by the youngest and it was eaten without a complaint (as if). I missed a phone call from SMOR as I had took the pooch out for a short jaunt and to be honest the pain levels were way above critical I had some writing to do and nothing short of world war three was going to get in my way, mind I did suffer with the onions I had put in the meal but I suppose no pain no gain! And that’s it, I am up way too late on a school night I’m really going to try and score some points by doing the dishes and then head off to bed another early start and I intend to have a bloody good drink tomorrow night so that I can sleep the sleep of the dead and then enjoy the start of the mother of all road trips.

If I can survive today and proudly boast the fact that I ain’t dead yet, tomorrow might not be as bad (yeah right) as I am dreading it to be!

Let the storm roll in

Let the storm roll in.

Yet another lie in (damn I must have needed it) well ok so it wasn’t exactly sleeping until noon, but hell for me it was as near damn (eight o’clock...ish) I wasn’t complaining but the pooch was, so I dragged my weary ass out of my pit and looked after him, I had work to do anyway. The eldest had been trying to ring but we weren’t really in a clear frame of mind so we actually (shocking isn’t it) ducked the calls (for twenty minutes until we pulled ourselves together) it would have been something or nothing (it was) and she wouldn’t listen to our advice anyway (surprise she didn’t) I just wish we could have some consistency (in a good way) from her but as always I won’t hold my breath!

While I had a healthier breakfast (than the previous two days) I started clearing my hard drive (it’s not massive so it quickly gets cluttered) and I had a panic attack when I tried to run a scan and it claimed I had a Trojan (ooops) so I saved my book stuff on a pen and started having a house clearance on my hard drive. I had also brought a little (ahem) bit of work home and if I’m honest (me with my reputation) my mind was just fried (see previous chapter) so what should have took me about 90 minutes took me 180 and even then I was second guessing myself, work was by now really taking it out of me both physically and mentally (sounds dramatic but hell it ‘s true) and with the next two days of hell awaiting for me I wasn’t happy but I knew I would have to get on with it.

The weather was a surprise as it snowed yes actually snowed it was never going to lie but it sent us both into panic mode for about 17 seconds (ah what the hell) I plodded on while waiting for the good lady of the house to get herself sorted thankfully we were on her time frame today and for once I wasn’t going to whinge about it (allegedly) but I was happy for the slow float down the river of life for that day!  We intended to have a late lunch (is night time late for dinner) so we weren’t really bothered because we weren’t going to The Tee Hee Club today as it was the local derby, so it would have been bedlam anyway (honestly it’s a fecking game people) so we wanted to avoid the animals that prowl the high street on this particular day! so the wife was definitely in charge of life the universe and everything in-between, so it was The Boo Hoo Club for us and to be honest as we were trying to keep the finances in check as usual, we were putting our masks on to rob Peter to pay Paul trying to make sure that there was money in the bank to cover the bills while we are away (the money’s there we just have to make sure it’s in the right place at the right time) so we talked (argued) money until we didn’t give a rats ass, we were going on holiday we can only do what we can I’ll take any consequences when I come back I want my holiday and I want it NOW!

We also had to sort out the suitcases and the wife had taken a shine to mine thinking that hers was too big so she emptied hers and tried (hahahaha) to fit all hers into mine I had more chance of getting into a pair of jeans with a 30 inch waist (ah bless) so we went through the charade and I went with the flow because I know she would have beat me to death with something (probably the bloody suitcase) blunt. She soon realised that it was indeed nothing but a pipe dream so everything was soon back into “her” case and we then started the ritual of filling mine, now I will be honest I’m a typical bloke I would just shove everything in (ahem) so I did the dutiful thing and “passed things to her as and when required” I was a good boy!

Once we had done all the things that was needed, the wife had started a cunning plan earlier in the week using a local sun tan place to get some colour, so off she went to get her daily dose of vitamin D, and I lay around the house like well a lazy person, she wasn’t away long but when she came back she was happy so that was a result. The weather was still damp and she trotted off to get the youngest and I still did my best Sloth impression. Actually that’s not strictly true I started the dinner a good old fashioned winter dinner.

We all settled down as a happy family and watched TV and generally wallowed in our own apathy (and it was great) we still pottered I had a few tasks to complete and I did them like a brave little soldier, although as the night ventured on I was dreading the fact that the morning would come and a huge amount of work sat waiting for me, again the amount didn’t (I like to think that I’m not work shy) bother me, it was the amount of walking that did and my knee’s kept giving me the odd pain as if to say “you screw with me I’m going to screw you right back” and I knew that tomorrow I was going to be in a whole heap of pain but I was just going to have to suck it up.

We all headed up stairs at around the same time and although the women of the house were off to do strange things (well for that time of the night) I was off to the land of nod, or so I thought I lay in the darkness for a short while (I’m a creature of habit no matter what I soon start to nod off) dreading the new day but also thinking of the new adventure that waits just over the horizon, and the good feelings are slowly but surely taking over from the bad feelings, tomorrow I wasn’t frightened of that, it was the pain I was expecting from my knees and the fact that the wife had a multitude of things to do while juggling the sproglit and the Kraken, I was half expecting to receive a mayday message but that’s for the new day I was sinking into the land of snooze and I welcomed sleep with open arms.

Things i don't understand

Things I don’t understand.

Today started cold and damp and if I’m honest my mood was no better I had woke up in a funk and when it’s like that its best if you let me just get on with it! The wife bless asked twice and got the hint, I wasn’t being stroppy and it certainly wasn’t anything that she had said or done I was just down it happens, leave me be and I will climb out of it. It happens about four times a year these days and because I’m normally up before everybody else normally people don’t get to see it, this morning my timing was a little off!

The dog did his usual morning call and it was later than normal, so I did the deed and then got him settled and ran myself a bath to soak my weary bones and my flesh eating disease is back with a vengeance and I wasn’t looking forward to it, but needs must and once the pain had been sorted, I tried to wake the wife (with only moderate success) we had a lot to do today and we needed to play our best game. Again I had yet another unhealthy breakfast (don’t ask) and once we pulled ourselves together had a conversation that we had ignored all week (finance) we headed out to sort out the spending money for our road trip.

Now if we had planned it better it wouldn’t have been the ghastly nightmare that would very nearly spoil the day. Our first stop was the building society to take out the last of our funds and then off to the bank to which although the rest of the money was there we weren’t allowed to take out the amount required (Grrr) this had the potential to spin out but thankfully we both took a deep breath and thought sod it lets just go with the flow! I also had to post book number three to my contact in Germany (sounds like something out of a Bond novel)  we had also arranged to drop off some books off in Cullercoats, so we thought we would for once go with the flow so with that we headed off into the distant blue yonder.

The day was indeed starting to lighten up and we fired up the old IPod and generally had a good time and then we started talking nonsense (which is good) we went down the road of picking our top ten favourite vocalists (which I won’t bore you with because for both of us it changes with the mood needless to say it’s the usual suspects of classic rock) when all of a sudden the wife dismissed Paul Rodgers completely out of hand, now if you don’t like that particular person that’s fine I don’t have an issue with that, but the way she dismissed him was unbelievable just ignored with a wave of her hand, now I will be honest I’m not a fan of the tracks that people associate him with, I’m sick to death of hearing them over and over again but he has consistently made good album after good album I have never seen him do a bad gig, I mean I could go on forever and like I said if you don’t like him that’s fine but come on people do the study before you shoot the guy. We soon reconciled our (minor) differences we arrived at our destination and I have to admit our mood had lifted and the wife even tried some humour (I suppose you had to be there) it all involved an already open door, we were greeted by our host lady J who even made a (nice) cup of tea we had some nice chat (involving gazelles and boots and so much other stuff but with my mind being so scatter brained at the moment I knew I would be abused later for forgetting so much good information) and much complimenting of the blogs that nearly made me blush, as always I had a peruse through somebody else’s music collection (sorry hard habit to get rid of) and after the grand tour (lovely house but the wife would basically kill anybody who parked in the street) we headed back off on our quest for holiday currency, with a slight detour on the way, all the while I was furiously trying to remember all the good things (a veritable goldmine of nuggets for blogging) all the while knowing that I had very little chance to do so I’m not a real big fan of this getting old thing my brain is turning into Swiss cheese!

Our short detour was into Newcastle to get some tickets for Y&T and W.A.S.P for later in the year (one of them being on our wedding anniversary...result) although it’s in my least favourite venue in Newcastle (The Academy) the company shall as always be splendid! This done we headed off to the Metrocentre to try and resolve once and for all our currency issue! Thinking that my bank was shut we headed directly into M&S to their bureau de change only to be told that if I wanted to use my card to buy the currency I would need proof of identity (???) but if I wandered in off the street with cold cash I wouldn’t, at this point the wife was up to simmer on the old temperature gauge she even set off at a fast rate of knots when we left so that she could see if the cash point would give us the requisite amount of cash, I finally caught up with her only to be proven wrong and that my branch was indeed open, so we wandered in and joined the queue to get at that money. After a wait of what seemed like bloody hours (loads of staff in but only one serving ... go figure) and the wife slagging off the branch and the staff in her usual quiet voice! we headed back and thankfully got our (mighty) dollars (woo hoo) I treated the wife to dinner (from my fave sandwich place, I don’t get discount so I’m not advertising them) we then went and abused some friends who happened to be at work today, and then again (I spoil my bloody wife) I treated my wife to an ice cream.

We jumped in the car and headed back to Gimpsville with the lovely weather but the wife took a circuitous route (she had a cunning plan) and then left me to twiddle my thumbs while she went off and did a sun bed thing (to get some colour in her skin before we get to Vegas) My brother then rang and we put the world to rights (as we always do) and then little miss happy (the wife) skipped back in (it’s nice to see her happy...for once, rest assured the Kraken will do her best to pull her back into a world of misery). Another short respite and the wife did the washing run up to see the youngest who was at the Krakens so the wife disappeared for a couple of hours while I caught up with my Sky recordings (5 episodes of Lovejoy) I have to admit if I remembered the particular episode I deleted it, then I tried (unsuccessfully) to remember all the things that happened today and all I have, I have put down on paper here, now what has this and all the previous chapters got to with Las Vegas ...not a lot I’m just trying to set the mood so that you will understand where my (numb) brain is at and maybe just some of the things I don’t understand (life the universe technology the metric system and how to.....maybe not). Hahaha now I have to try and shorten and twist what I have written here so not to appear as though I’m a cheap skate you have to give the fans what they want!

The Great Divide.

The Great Divide.

Today started better I stayed up late again (what a cheeky chap I am) but had a lie in for a change (a planned one this time) and boy did I need  it, we both took our time to get up and do our thing, sort ourselves out, the wife had some toast for breakfast, I went for something a little different and that is a Gimpsville full English breakfast yes that’s right a Cadbury’s crème egg and a Kit Kat lovely I was being a rebel as I was heading to the doctors to be told I’m a fat bastard (and I am at the moment) but who cares it’s nearly time for (Vegas baby) our holiday my diet can be like my chest and it can slip for once.

We left the house and the wife was soon in shouty shouty mode saying that we live amongst retards child molesters and fecking knuckle draggers (she’s not what you would call a morning person) but we got to the quack’s in one piece and with a quick turnaround I was at work just as the first meeting of the day started and as I bounded through the door (sorry I like my job) the look on some of the faces were a picture, as I intended to spoil at least two of these peoples day (I did and I won’t bore you with the details but hey I do take a grudge and a challenge very seriously) the meeting went quickly and I only picked up two tasks for the coming month, being a smart arse I had already done one (as I knew what was coming) I had peeked at the minutes from the previous meeting that we hadn’t been invited to.

The rest of the day looked daunting I had so much paperwork to sort out and being a gentleman (thinking I wouldn’t be around)I had let the office temp utilise my desk and computer (D’oh) but as it turned the young lady in question rattled through her work and asked if I had anything she could do for me, I pointed her in the direction of the mountain in the corner of my desk and she set off at a pace that was frightening (let’s be honest my computer skills are self taught and she is a professional) by the end of the day she had completed 95% of my work which left me over the moon, as the previous night I had suggested to the wife that I might need to go in at the weekend and try and finish some of the mountain, which to be honest didn’t go down to well, so that was a bullet dodged, the young lady in question is from South Shields so when we do indeed bump into each other I will buy her and her fiancé a drink to say thank you( a very big thank you).

That said I still had some work of my own to do but if I’m honest it went well the two (grrrrr) courses went well considering I wrote them both an hour before they were actually presented, and I got some positive reactions even though I don’t take an prisoners there was only the one or two faces like slapped arses! I then hit the road and did what was needed to be done out on the malls and was soon back finishing off what I could( I have a bit too do but that can wait until Sunday morning ) and then heading out the door as soon as I could, I hobbled back to my old office to pick some stuff up and then back over to the bus station which as I got to the entrance I saw my bus (not the one I was aiming for) coming slowly over the brow of the bridge so I legged it, and made it with just a little time to spare, but I have to admit I was crippled as I climbed aboard, it was a Double Decker a type of bus I had never (in my 47 years on this planet) seen one on this particular route so even though I was in pain I climbed up the stairs and sat back to enjoy the ride home.

It was to say the least a brilliant ride home a journey I have done on a regular basis since I was 7 but never at an elevated level and it was fascinating people watching at its best and discovering things that I didn’t even I know existed little nooks and crannies, small estates were I thought that there were just woods, houses next to the river that you simply couldn’t normally see, people that thought they were hidden from the public eye (not that anybody was doing anything wrong well except a drug dealing couple of blokes who in reality were probably two male friends drinking coffee on the bonnets of their cars in a great part of the world) a bloke in his shorts hanging out his washing(down girls), a young boy (14ish) lying on his trampoline in the garden with one hand behind his head gazing at the clouds ( I was so jealous) the kids throwing rocks in the river in a part of the river I had only seen by canoeing down that particular stretch many years ago. A field with a small herd of goats that just looked so damn good I could have just gone for a little lie down, the girl cooking dinner gazing out of the window who got a shock as the bus went past and got me in full on stare mode. The couple having a blazing row (over god knows what....and did they make up I wonder) like I said a brilliant journey one that I make virtually every day but at ground level it’s so mundane I hope that it’s not a single Decker all the time, because life is so much better when you can see over the great divide.

I arrived home back in Gimpsville just as the sun was setting and was greeted by the old man of the house wagging his tail to meet me, and the wife on the phone saying she was parking up, so being the good person that I am I offered to go and give assistance (see I can be a good boy from time to time) only for her to assault me in the kitchen and not in a nice way, now this tipped me over the edge and I lost my good mood vibe and I went off into  rant mode (no surprise there then) but it didn’t last long ( I tire easily these days) and settled into a nice easy night (ooooh a woodpecker and yes I do mean the canned variety) I made the tea as usual and all plans of  attacking all things work related in anyway shape or form where totally ignored we have become Mexicans there’s always tomorrow!

So far so good I have wrote (four if you include this bit) small chapters so that’s a good start, and so a cunning plan is formulating the hard part will be trying to decipher all my notes from when I come back, because I have noticed that even with notes sometimes the whole idea is missed and I’m just left with drivel (hahahaha me with my reputation) I’m going to kick back just a tad and listen to some Glenn Hughes and plan for the coming (holi)day as we all know tomorrow is just another day!

Fools Rush In

Fools Rush In.

The day didn’t start well at all, I had decided to stay up just a little later than normal trying to stay in the wife’s good books, well it didn’t work out that well as I slept in, I’m usually up at 4.30 to be picked up at 5.30 for a 6.00 start and I didn’t get out of bed until 5.18 uurgh! But I still sat my arse in the car for 5.30 with a splash of water on my face and my teeth cleaned and fully dressed but the rest of my routine thrown out the window I was struggling to maintain my composure if things start bad they have a tendency to stay wrong.

My lift although well meaning has a touch of autism and is focused on what he wants to be focused on and sod the world, my arse hadn’t touched down and he was away rabbiting about some formula issue in a spread sheet that had been sent to him the day before, I have to admit I didn’t care and the twenty minute drive was spent wondering if I could bury the body in a field, but I was too tired so he survived for the moment. Part of the journey was spent discussing what I required for next week at work as he sorts out my inspections for me and it helps that he can be “focused” because people usually are glad to see the back of him so agree to whatever he says to them. Of late as he is snowed under as everybody else is with work he has been ringing people and as I was intending to do the retail park there should be 12 units to do but one is undergoing a refit so that’s good for me but that’s still 11 units and my record is 8, a new unit had opened up and we had no contact details so imagine my surprise as he detours into a dark retail park and he leaps out of the car with a torch in hand to see if there were any contact details on the door (see I inspire dedication) by this time I just wanted to get to work and yet he insisted that peering through dark windows (for feck’s sake) I’m surprised somebody didn’t call the police (as if they would get there in time) about the dodgy blokes in the little red car. We finally made it into work (with no contact details) and I scurried away to the sanctuary of a dark quiet management suite (where my new office is) and chilled, well that is until I saw my emails 42 new ones since I left to go home the previous night, now to be honest 28 were cack but I still had to read them in case there was anything pertinent to the coming day.

After a mass deletion session the rest were a bit more serious and required serious study, legal documents and the such like and hopefully I didn’t drop any mistakes like allowing somebody to do some hot works and they only have insurance for up to £1.50 or something silly, my structure soon kicked in and I was back on an even keel even without breakfast ( I had a cunning plan...which didn’t pan out) my last email was to my area manager wanting to know what I had done for the previous four weeks (the cheeky tw@t!) so after I had buried him in all the crap I had done I felt good knowing that he was going to have to take as long as I did to write it to read it! It still felt like big brother watching over me but he’s new so  I suspect he’s just trying to get a grasp on if he can give me anymore work (erm no). I then had to deal with staff not being able to do the simple little things so that took another hour, then on to the control room to sort out work permits and if anybody got abusive (hey I’m trying to help you dumbass!) they were refused, see the pen is mightier than a dumbass being abusive you need me! I certainly don’t need you! so play nice or I won’t allow you back on site you knuckle draggers I have to admit most are canny however if somebody is stressed they can’t resist shouting at the man behind the bullet proof glass! No wonder I’m so tired this was all in the first two hours hot damn I needed some food!

Things moved ever so slightly to the left after that and got just a touch surreal as the course I was meant to write on Monday was still not done as I was still waiting for some relevant information, so I upset the doofus who hadn’t given me the information by informing him that the next time he would be presenting the course himself (I actually thought he was going to burst into tears...but he didn’t) another crisis averted only for me to be told all at the same time I was actually wanted in four different meetings all scheduled at the same time, although nobody had informed me so cue much dashing between rooms giving people information I was stopped in mid sentence to be told that there were some gentlemen from the fire brigade here to see me (oh shit!) at this moment allegedly I had the expression on my face that said “please just shoot me” but I gathered what wits I had left and said hello and answered their questions said my farewells and then finished up with the meetings and I felt at this point I had fought at the Somme!

I then ran into some technology issues ....well alright I was tired and that was the real issue and I still hadn’t eaten and had to start my inspections for the day, my head was spinning and I thought I was starting to lose the plot when all of a sudden the smiling assassin (a person who I wouldn’t trust with anything) turned up all oily and smarmy and to be honest I wasn’t in the mood and well let’s just say I was blunt, so that has the potential to come back and bite me in the butt! (Continued at dontgivearatsass.com)

I set off at a great pace having already had to cancel my first appointment because of all the other stuff over running but I soon got in the swing of things and had some great inspections with some people who were actually interested in doing things right (hoorah) while I was doing my last inspection the fire brigade chaps from before spotted me and hung around trying to get my attention, which I didn’t need as I was dealing with a lunatic who was even more of a loon because of them hanging around so I dealt with that curve ball and then headed back to finish whatever was left on my desk (no fecking chance) and  as I sat down and saw my schedule for next week (ok so Monday and Tuesday only) only to be sent into a panic because of the timings for the retail inspections (not to worry my autistic friend had just left the usual timings on the sheet) once that particular crisis was averted I regained some composure took a deep breath and basically crashed and burned 10 hours of running around without a drink or anything to eat or even a chance to pee (I know just a tad too much information but hey I like to share)  I did what I seem to do best of late I crashed and burned, I tried to answer my phone calls but to no avail at this point the wife rang and asked if I wanted picking up and I gratefully accepted the white flag was run up the flagpole and I ran like hell, or rather (limped) jumped in the car!

To return the good deed as the wife was looking worse than me (she had done 99% of the babysitting for the last four days) I decided to treat her to her tea out and yes I was paying, so we called into the Woodman’s in Whickham and although we waited a wee while for our meal we both enjoyed it I even sprung for a pudding as well so that’s my reputation shot but it was nice just being a couple without anything to worry about anything other than her pinching off my plate, the cheeky mare!

We arrived home and she headed off to see the Kraken and I pottered on at least the dog was happy to see me (as always) but my parcel had finally arrived after an email to ask where it was? a piece of vinyl autographed that I probably have had a few versions kicking around at some point but this was a new “heavy” version weight wise that is, the youngest turned up and we had a chuckle, the wife returned home bearing bile and malice for the good people of our hometown (I’m so glad she can’t buy a bloody gun) me and wife started (and I do stress started) to pack her case (and I do stress only her case) but that soon went out the window and we floated through the rest of the night and I have to admit to munching through 14 tons of food over the course of the night and I feel guilty as I’m at the quacks tomorrow with weight related issues, I actually feel so bloated after the holiday it’s time to get a grip and start to concentrate on it I seem to have strayed from the path especially when I was doing so well as well, ah well one day at a time.

I now hurry to finish this as I started later than expected (and I need my beauty sleep even though I have a slight lie in, in the morning) back to the quacks and some punishment due and another day of madness, a training course fired from the hip and even more people looking at me strange as I carry my little black book around trying to remember everything that happened, so that hopefully I will fulfil my ambition to have yet one more book done god this is so addictive but better than gambling and other oddities that some people do (bless).