Killer of Giants

Like bloody buses, I don’t have the urge to write for ages then one two three in the space of an hour. Yes, I know I’m an idiot, I have no idea how it works either!

I can say without a doubt the log jam is well and truly broken, possibly the out pouring of kind words from you lot the discerning readers moved my literary bowels so to speak, I have to temper what I actually write though as I want quality not quantity (yeah right) as I finished the blog yesterday my brain was awash with tons of ideas, even if I simply cherry pick two or three that should be ok, I know by publishing this one its going to kill the last one but I’m ok with that, the numbers are more than good and if its like the last couple it will limp  on for a while yet!

Technology was annoying yesterday and is still winning the war today, it doesn’t take much too turn me into an angry man, me a luddite hell yeah! I keep putting my Windows to UK English but whenever it does an update it reverts to American English pfft we came up with it first boys and girls please allow me to attempt to spell it the old-fashioned way (correctly).

I am conscious of the fact that since I have stopped writing I have gone back to devouring the weight of the house on a regular basis, that in itself is not helping me with several issues, my problem I know, but I’m unsure how I can resolve it, I do so well then revert to type! I would rather be happy and hardly eating, than being unhappy and eating the whole planet, yes, I know I seem to have issues, I can’t seem to find the owner’s manual for myself and I don’t know how I can do a permanent reset!

Farcebook is annoying me with adverts and people who I may know, I get great enjoyment deleting the adverts but as for the people well I know what I would like to do, I don’t know them, so I don’t want them on my page, I like being isolated (you may have noticed) I nearly smashed the laptop to bits, but I took a deep breath and went to the pub with nice people………….a win all around!

I have vermin (no not the family the four legged long tail versions) in my loft again and its doing my napper in, I keep putting poison down and they keep eating it then disappearing for a few nights then another one turns up, I need to save some pennies to sort out some chicken wire and some landmines (maybe the last was a tad over the top) after that I’m simply going to blow the house up with an atom bomb (I’m not really but its exasperating) I have used most of the tricks of the trade, I cant wait to move house, where is the lottery win when you need one.

This weeks holiday has not been the best for me for no other reason than I have defeated myself at every turn, I am away from home on a course next week hopefully being busy will help me figure some of this crap out, I know I went for some CBT a few years ago and I still use some of the therapy exercises on a daily basis, I’m a million times better than I was, simply taking new steps every day, I’m not fixed but I tinker with myself everyday (that nearly sounded rude).

As always I have to ask you all to continue whatever you are all doing, click like or share because something is working, the numbers are climbing to a new level nearly every time, I promise I shall be doing a historical blog sooner rather than later, last night as I already stated was lovely we were invited out along the road from some wandering vagabond minstrels that were travelling from far off lands to other locales and gratefully they popped into Gimpsville to see us on their way home, unfortunately the invite came a little too late for food as I was knee deep in making a curry for me and the youngest, the wife doesn’t partake, more for us, yum yum! but we gladly accepted the invite and I decided now was the time to stop my dry year (actually eight months) I haven’t felt any better for not drinking  so me and Jack kept ourselves company last night, with a house call from Dr Vodka for a cheeky nightcap, double yum yum!

The night was over was over far too quickly as always, but cunning plans as always are afoot I’m hoping my spleen has regenerated in time for the weekend ( I have a buyer from Nagoya interested) , actually I might sell my heart as it would appear I don’t have a use for  it! I hadn’t switched the laptop off so when I went to close it I had a message from a friend who was having issues in his life, a brief conversation ensued all in a positive direction, you never know what anybody is going through even if they appear happy on the outside, all I can say to people who are distressed in anyway H.O.P.E – Hold On Pain Ends, and trust me if any of my friends need a shoulder to cry on please reach out  help is literally a heart  beat away, you are never truly alone.

There you go number two number three is simmering but unlikely to be here anytime soon simply because of my jaunt away from home, but there may be a “Now Hear this” before the end of the weekend we will see , it depends on my anxiety levels, me a diva I think not (LOL) so be nice to each other enjoy the time that you have with people and watch the skies I have the bug again, for writing you silly people, the name game was won by…………………….NILS! god damn you had to have googled that one this one is a lot easier and its titled simply because it’s what I was listening to yesterday as I did my prep for this one, so until the next one…………………Toodles.

Behaviour Control Technician.

I know, I know, I know that you have all missed me, the  last blog although hasn’t done the fantastic numbers of the previous few, it has still done well and has been limping along with hits everyday over the last four weeks, and yes I kept using that as an excuse not to write anything, the longer you go the easier it is to leave the page blank, something I seem to be doing a lot lately! In life and in the blogs, go figure.

Yes the name game is as always in play and I suspect you lot will have to google it as I have a feeling that not many will know it, having said that the last one was relatively easy (King Crimson pop pickers) and obviously nobody could be arsed to google that either, having said that if I don’t show that I care why should any of you lot, the discerning reader!

My intention had been to call this one “I Don’t Know” after the Ozzy song (oops did I spoil that one for you?) But I have been playing a lot of this particular artist, simply trying to lift my spirits and have been failing miserably, no not the choice of music, just the way I have felt, no black dog following me, simply wallowing in………….nothingness, hence the reason why no blog of late, I know I said I was going to give my head a shake, but if I shake it much more I’m worried something might just fall out!

I had a week to clear my head from life the universe, and well it would appear that I failed miserably, finances haven’t helped, even though we have been very good, August is always a strange month, I went back to work and yet again life spluttered, lots of great music old and new but nope I was still only firing on two cylinders and not being able to put a finger on it simply makes it worse.

Wandering aimlessly through this thing we call life has been …..meh kind of rubbish, another week of respite and yet my head still isn’t in the best of places, not gaining any traction is kind of dragging me down, lots of lovely people being in contact some with strange and lovely questions for another “Now Hear This” which because of upcoming plans I might just do at posting 450, it all depends on the questions collated or whether I am actually struggling to gather enough prose to post! All of my cunning plans seem to have been holed below the water line and I have even left “The Whalers Dues” alone simply because I do not want to re-infest it with bile, just when you all thought I was just about to post it…………..NOT!

I need to get back on the horse (that’s blogging boys and girls I haven’t bought another pet) so don’t be shocked if you get a couple (yeah right) in the coming weeks, well ok it might be longer as when I go back to work next week I’m away for an educational course and I’m not taking two laptops (work’s and mine) one little black book for notes but nothing electronic that’s not work related! I definitely need to have my head on straight as it’s a hard course, one in which I have been requesting for over six years now, so I better not fail it like the last bloody one.

So I need to work through my tiny list of chores (a few each day rather than one long slog) and then spend the weekend prepping for the (not so ) jolly jaunt away from my home and my loved ones maybe its just what I need, no I’m not blaming my loved ones for my malaise, but I need to up my game and this might just help me.

I have  been bumping into a few old friends over the last few weeks and I have to admit that it has been lifting my spirits when I see them, people I have known for over 30 years and although I live in the same neck of the woods I very rarely seem them, the level of field craft from the people who I live closest to is phenomenal , it was lovely simply to say hello and spend a few minutes interacting, asking how their family and loved ones are doing, I know I need to make the effort more often, maybe if I left the house every now and again that might help, in life and in blog writing. I have even avoided historical blogs as they haven’t helped me, I need to be in a good place to write them otherwise this ship will sink even if I was in shallow water or not! Historical ones seem to take a lot more out of me so to try and write them when I’m not in a happy place is counterproductive.

So, there you have it, finally some written word from me the happy camper from Gimpsville, the fact that I have actually put pen to paper (figuratively speaking) is a step in the right direction, hopefully! Lets see what the coming weeks bring,  I’m not expecting these next few blogs to be sponsored by NASA, a few of the earlier ones have done old school viewing figures and to be honest that did indeed put a smile on this old cynic’s face, even  if just for a couple of minutes, what am I going to do for the rest of the day, well play some more music so hopefully I can be inspired with life or worse case scenario another blog (you never know) so watch the skies for incoming and do what you lot seem to do best  keep spreading the disease, until the next time …………………Toodles!

Into the frying pan

So, the last couple of blogs have done really well actually the last one was totally amazing, this one I’m not expecting to do as well, as its one telling you lot that I am going to be running silent and running deep for a while.

I have not been the happiest bunny in the last week or so, I simply do not want to be involved in anything, I wish to be left alone, I don’t really its simply the external projection of my persona, however I don’t know how to process my thoughts at the moment, anger seems to be the number one emotion coursing through these  veins, not at anybody but myself, not wanting to interact, not wanting to engage with anybody family , friendly or work related, its my issue not anybody else’s.

Again this isn’t a woe is me type of blog , it’s simply a heads up to those of you who know me in the real world, I’m not user friendly at the moment, I need to give my head a shake, heading to nine days off from my place  of work will  hopefully resolve most of my issues, ha I’m screwed if it doesn’t as my place of work is usually where I go to when I’m in this frame of mind.

So in all honesty if you see me and I growl its me not you, I’m not sure how the family put up with me, at this moment in time they would be better off if I lived in a cave, even music is not soothing the savage beast, I don’t hate the world I only hate myself, so until the next one, keep spreading the word, I will be back in  a happier frame of mind, I’m simply not 100% when that will be, until then ………………………….Toodles!

Oh and yes the name game is in play!

And on the Eight Day

I told you the blogs would be like buses, I have to get this one written as its like a buzz saw in my head, I also need to get it out to draw some closure to my “live” relationship with the hottest band in the land, and hopefully it will put an end to all the tags I have been put in on Farcebook since yesterday, who knew I knew so many wonderful Peeps!

So as I alluded  in the last blog, yesterday was a long-time coming and even longer in the planning, a few minor blips on the road in (ok so I checked my bank account and all the money was allocated to bills and stuff WTF) but we got over those hurdles and Saturday night really was like Kiss mas eve, everybody excited and me grumpy (who would have thought). The next morning, I was padding around the house while all and sundry (no the dog is not called sundry!) slept the sleep of the dead, I pottered on until the dead started to rise and like the nice person I am I cooked them their breakfast, well I am a nice person (honest I am the rumours are simply not true) again some more pottering whilst the ladies of the house (ok just the wife panicked) doing what ladies do, all the while I’m getting the evil eye as I’m not ready, it takes me all of two minutes, trust me I am not high maintenance.

Now this is where things started to go awry, my stomach was off I was praying that I wasn’t going to suffer a recurrence of my exploding orifices, thankfully no, but my stomach was simply not playing ball, the wife took the hound off to the Kraken’s and I made myself look as pretty as I could, yes I know lets not go there! Then the road trip could start properly, our planning required us to find somewhere to park, our number one destination was taken so we sneaked into a spot at our second preferred location, not ideal but at least we had a safe harbour.

We set off for higher ground (OK Trillian’s) and it was great walking through Newcastle looking at all of the fans in their great T shirts, there was some awesome merch on display, the wife was getting just as many admiring glances for her Eric Carr T shirt that a great friend made for her over twenty years ago, as we arrived it was great to see our once local full to the guns with like minded people and a lot of people who we knew, well OK the wife knew and the rest kind of grunted (LOL) to be honest there were simply too many people (hang on that’s a Vardis song) to chat to, I met some new peeps and some old peeps and some more from my place of work, all in all a fantastic part of the day, great memories great conversations and generally great people, I didn’t see one person who I didn’t like (that makes a change) the only problem as always with Trills is that it was like an oven, I felt for the poor people getting their Kiss face painted they must have been melting!

We decided to head out for some food and the party generally split if only for a little while, by now I was suffering, but I wanted to keep it on the lowdown as I certainly didn’t want to spoil anyone’s day (like I normally do) again the food and the company was great, but everywhere we went there were bloody stairs my knees were doing great at this stage, but I knew I would suffer in pain later on! Onwards we went off to the Bodega, picking up waifs and strays along the way and I did a good deed by taking stuff back to the car, once I got back we were in the middle of two heated sporting events (yawn I wasn’t bothered) we then took a slow meander to the venue picking up even more waifs and strays along our merry way.

At this point I shall point out that a number of photos were taken in many of the venues ( I know I have the face for radio) I’m not a fan of it happening, I feel as though I don’t know what to do, so thankfully I was allowed to take them and not be in them , although I was captured (under protest) at least once. By now I was really under the weather and my knees were suffering, and to get to our seats there was even more bloody stairs (somebody just shoot me) how did we do this all the time when we were younger and there would be copious amounts of drink involved? I was trying to keep an even lower profile than normal, not that it mattered the wife was fixated on a point in the distance and damn the torpedoes! For someone who is as poorly as she is (and I’m not joking she really is) she can’t half get up a head of steam, she was in full flight, once she was through the metal detectors it was time to feed Mr $immons bank account, now I didn’t intend to buy anything (please see previous bank statement) but I did like the vintage black and white Destroyer although I refrained although the youngest did offer (bless her) I don’t usually buy lots of merch (cough splutter) there were loads of strange people dressed up in full Kiss costumes including a dwarf (well smaller than me and that’s not tall) dressed as Mr $immons, they may be strange but I love them they are my kind of people,  once the merch was secured we headed into our seats, now my only complaint of the night is the size of the seats these cannot be for normal size individuals I have lost over five stone and I barely fit into it and I have a cute butt! Well so I’m told I’m not one to spread rumours (LOL)

It was at this point I was doing all of the tricks of the trade to stop projectile vomiting, my acid reflux was raging and I was suffering (if you knew a vet I would have asked to be shot honestly it was that bad) the gentleman next me was a very kind gentleman indeed, he kept asking me if I was ok , he even went to the trouble of scouring all of the bars for some peppermint cordial, bless him it was that moment that saved the day as the wife had some chewing gum that was peppermint flavoured, I must have looked deranged as I gnawed at it to sooth my gut! What was great and I did notice tons of kids (with ear defenders naturally) what a range of people were at the gig, what I don’t get is those that sit and simply film it on their phones, watch it in the now and savour the moment not some sterile thing on your big TV at home, how many people actually bother to look back at their videos? I bet not many, taking pictures I get, but videoing it sad and just a little strange!

As for the gig itself I’m not reviewing it, you should have been there, awesome stage setting awesome effects lighting laser’s , sound was pretty damn good, even for me who is partially deaf, the set list was………….actually quite good, Beth being the only ballad of a pretty rocking set, yes there was stuff that was missed out with that much bloody good music there was always going to be winners and losers, the only track I didn’t care much for  was “Say yeah” was this the best gig by the band I had ever seen? Probably not, but for the stage setting it was, nothing beats the first time at the hall but hey this was pretty close to it! Yes, the wife got up to dance, yes, she had an argument and told the world to go F*** themselves, it put a dampener on it for her, to be honest I was simply trying not to throw up at this point! All in all an awesome gig I don’t think that there will be much to beat that, so I might just be calling time on my gig going duties, I wanted the best and I got the best…………….WOW!

Then after the battle of the Somme sorry it felt like it with all of the explosions that went off, more fireworks than a Guy Fawkes night and enough lasers to kill all of the aliens in close encounters and I would like to see the fire risk assessment for the amount of flames that was used, I now I simply can’t stop working what can I say I’m a bloody workaholic! And then in a heartbeat it was over! the 42-year love affair was done, do I think it’s the end hell no I bet they have a few more tricks up their sleeve before they shuffle off this mortal coil, but for me yes it is and what a way to go out on!

 We then did a silly thing and attempted to leave with everybody else (lots of them) we bumped into even more nice people, it was just like being a bloody hippy , so many lovely people mind you I could have stabbed the guy drumming on the way in and out of the venue (bless him) we just had the uphill struggle to get to the car, my knees at this point had done a tag team effort with my acid reflux and was kicking my butt, I didn’t care I was happy I had a great day with great people watching a great gig it simply doesn’t get better than that!

We got the hell out of dodge quickly, we took the low road and were soon back in Gimpsville at the Krakens to pick up a pooch, who was over the moon to see us, we thanked the Kraken who could have kicked off but strangely she didn’t, once home the youngest went straight to bed as she had rehearsal today for some Sondheim thingy majig, me and the wife tried to keep up with all of the farcebook posts  we soon admitted defeat and headed up the wooden hill!

A slight lie in the morning (for me at least) the wife went back to bed for a short while, to say that I am crippled today is an understatement, but you know what it was well worth it, I know  I haven’t mentioned anybody by name (coded or otherwise) but it was great to see so many of you all (including a certain birthday boy) even though I wasn’t in the best of health, my spirits were lifted by each and everybody that I saw, everybody that I spoke to, especially the wonderful phone call I received on the morning to find out what our plans were for the day, I have said it before and I will continue to keep saying it, I have made more friends due to this band than all of the bands I like put together, oh and at no time did I attempt to do my Gene $immons impersonation, now that has to be a first!

So there you have it my Kiss blog, and you lot thought it would be about the gig, as if you really thought that you don’t know me that well, the next one wont be along as quickly as this one was, but there will be more down the line, so keep watching the skies for incoming, keep spreading the disease because the numbers have sponsored by NASA they are so high, thank you one and all for the kind words until the next one is ready …………………………Toodles!

Don't make no promises

You may have noticed my blogs are starting to behave like the public transport system, not that reliable, let’s see if we can quantify that, life has kind of sucked big style over the last couple of weeks and I have been fighting at the barricades of life! Not mentally just the soul sucking style of things with explosive bottoms and projectile vomit all mine unfortunately.

Health has had me kicked in the nuts, I have been on my knees still trying to fight it, but it actually winded me quite badly, my mouth  had been signing cheques that to be honest I had no chance of honouring them, lets go back and start at the beginning, the last couple of blogs did good, actually they did really good, I was on a high for once, I should have realised I was heading for a fall, work was starting to taking over, just when I thought I had finally got a handle on it, silently creeping in and taking over, I had to get my ducks in a row, I kind of did and then my health took a shotgun and blew those poor little ducks away.

I had a week of nightshifts to contend with and a lot of other work to deal with from the daytime side of life, I managed to get to day three before I suffered with an exploding body, yes it was actually from every orifice, it wasn’t pretty, but I soldiered on like the idiot I am and to be honest I am just getting over it now, this is the third occasion of such an illness in the last eight months, it had me worried, I was a poorly Indian over the weekend, then I went back with a big black cloud hanging over my place of employment, it felt strange to come back to work to find out that we had been under yet another review and we were expecting more redundancy’s , as usual the company handled it like they were juggling a bag of shit that was on fire, yes you got it right like shite! It dragged on all week and again we are all still on tender hooks, we don’t know if that’s the end of it or is there still more to come, like some kind of cruel torture, no news is bad news in this kind of situation. It’s the torture that keeps on giving!

Mentally I have been on edge purely because we don’t know what they want, it’s like playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol, not fun consequently blogging has been the furthest thing from my mind, I had a blog sort of in mind (yes this is it) but as the week has gone on its kind of got twisted, and then my wanting to vomit kept threatening to resurface , mmmm I wonder what brought that back on, I don’t need to wonder at all, then family issues kicked in as we had been planning this coming weekend for the  past six months, thankfully it went away as quick as it raised its head, its not resolved but it has sunk itself for the time being, what’s happening this weekend? I hear you ask well its our last visit to join the ranks of the Kiss army, to say that I have been underwhelmed is an understatement, life has an awful lot to answer for, I cant wait to see the dear friends I have amassed over the years because of this great band, I have more friends due this band than any other band all rolled into one, haters got to hate but the Kiss army rolls on!

My attempt at a music page on Farcebook (WWBH) is simply refusing to die even though I haven’t posted in months and I have cancelled it more than six times, I keep getting requests for money from farcebook saying that they will promote it to a gazillion people which was never the intention, I have cunning plans that will suit my transient lifestyle, watch this space, Farcebook can kiss my shiny metal ass! It will have a happy ending, but it will be mine not what they desire, go figure me bitter not likely!

On the bonus side of things I can confirm that I have lost over ten inches from my waist (no not my head) although I am fighting the health thing on many fronts, that is one that I am happy with, little and often, I know I cant wave a magic wand (I would if I could but I’m not Harry Potter) and wish for it all to disappear, one step at a time, as long as I have my hair and my looks…………hang on a minute!

So there you have it, something small and warm (no not a turd…..hang on) to keep you amused on a warm summers day, I’m making no more promises that my body can’t keep these coming as something will happen and stop me dead in my tracks, when and if I’m mentally able too, that is the best  that I will offer you these days, having said this I will probably publish another twelve in the next three days, you know you can expect one after the Kiss gig it would be rude not to wouldn’t it, so enjoy your weekend whatever you have lined up I know drama will raise its ugly head at some point but its all good, life is too short to try and not enjoy it, right chores to do and chocolate……I mean healthy things to eat I might even have a pint or two, this could get dangerous, as I want rock all night and party everyday………….until then Toodles!

Mental Ward

Before we go any further yes, the name game is in play, this is not a blog mocking anybody, its quite the opposite, but the song sprang to mind whilst I was on a course this week!

Some of you might realise  I have had a few (cough splutter) issues over the years and thanks to a fab support system, I have indeed been helped, now I’m not saying I’m cured by any stretch of the imagination, but the tools I have in  my tool kit have helped me get a little better, not perfect but a work in progress.

Most people including my self do hide their conditions, we don’t wish to be judged, believe it or not some people have a tendency to be not nice, thankfully it’s not like the good old days, a lot of you have a better understanding about these issues simply because people probably know some one who is going through some kind of emotional turmoil, the figures are truly staggering, no I’m not going to bore you if you have interest go look it up (the “Mind” website is a great place to start) now don’t panic I’m not going to get all preachy this  is simply a small missive …..well simply because I can!

Obviously I have an interest, it took me 32 years to ask for help, I’m so glad that I did, as I really was heading down a rabbit hole with nothing tethering me to the real world, again with great support (you all know who you are) my wife has been the best tether into the real world anybody could ask for. I was able to overcome this particular hurdle, some of these people who helped me had their own issues, unknown to me at the time. I asked for help and got it, I was very grateful and yes I blogged the hell out of it, I still do and more than likely will as long as I have the condition (so that’s for life then) I have also taken an active interest in learning more so that I can offer the same support that I received, I’m not so selfish as to not want to help anybody (and I do mean anybody I know who has problems)  who needs help.

The course had been on  the cards since the beginning of the year and I had forgotten all about it, other issues in the work scheme of things, I received a reminder with the timetable for the day, I was nervous, was I going to play well with others, I travelled to the destination (not my usual place of work) and was greeted with people who seemed pleased to see me as well as the folk from my place of work, then we began, no I’m not going to deliver a blow by blow account of the course it was informative, the lady who delivered the course was very good and it wasn’t simply death by power point, I soon realised that a number of other  people who I work with had issues, their masks slipped, in a good way and they were supported in an even better way, as always legal matters are broached, to be honest it nearly derailed the course but the lady in charge really was in charge and got us back on track, she covered a number of topics with great relevant information and although she touched on my condition she didn’t labour on it, that made me happy.

At the end of the course I had had enough , I was drained emotionally, thankfully not in a negative way, for a change, I went to say thank you as I had indeed enjoyed the course, and like a bolt out of the blue she asked me “how I was coping with my PTSD?” WTF, it turns although it had been barely mentioned I was super focused on the subject, damn she was good, I slipped away after saying my thanks, others were going for a drink, it appears I was noticed as being missing in action, again in a good way, I will admit to having slept virtually all the way home, I was drained but for once it was a good feeling!

The aftermath and conversations the day after were interesting and again multiple support teams were built, there were far more people jealous of not being on the course than I imagined, for once I was glad to have taken part in a great course, for something that I think will simply be a much bigger issue in the years to come, I hope in a good way for everybody concerned whether that be at work or in my personal life!  

The blog has been astonishing in numbers and kind comments and its an even split for those who wish the historical ones and those who seem to be here because they enjoy the “style” their words of choice not mine, I’m not even sure that I had a style, but hey ho you learn something new every day, I don’t think that’s a bad thing either! I have started to filter and get rid of things that I have stockpiled for future blogs, I do intend to finish at 500 (please see previous blogs) so I don’t think I need everything that is stockpiled, my one concern is that the kraken keeps coming over and tidying up when I’m not here, my main book has been misplaced, with some great ideas which I would like to finish, I’m being good about it though as I know it will surface at some point (I hope).

So things appear to be on an even keel, that in itself is a frightening thing, our trips to the outside world haven’t been as much as I would like however I have been saving some pennies for a trip away in September and the wife well, she is spending what she wants when she wants (so no change there then) we will be making visits in the next couple of weeks (honest) but you lot do have your own lives we catch on to the tails of your comets at some point, that’s a threat and a promise……..incoming!

There you have it a man at peace (well sort of) on a Sunday morning the family have been fed and pushed out the door off to work, me I’m going to have a day doing what I do best. listening to lots of music and I might do a little bit of work (only because it suits me) I have some household chores to carry out and then to chillax before the marauding hordes return from their places of work expecting food and nourishment, so enjoy the blog, your day , the weather, your loved ones, family and pets I know I intend to and yes I know I usually come across as a pessimist, today so far I am being an optimist lets see how long that lasts, so once again keep the comments coming, keep spreading the disease, it’s the only way this grows, its simply if you guys (and gals) hit like or what ever you lot do, so watch the skies for more incoming, but until the next time……………………..Toodles!

Jealousy

So, the last blog (quite literally an hour ago) blasted through the internet like a rocket it would I appear to have hit a nerve, not my intention, I was simply spewing my weekly melancholic blog!

Again, the numbers are still climbing however I got a shit load of comments 99.9% of which I don’t publish, I don’t wish to have another Redneck infestation, please see previous blogs if you don’t know why! The split is about 50 – 50 as to I shouldn’t hate my father and the fact that I should forgive him, well to be honest I don’t hate him, how can you hate someone who simply vanished 45 years ago, more than likely he is worm food somewhere as he would be in his 80’s! Again how can I forgive him if he is not present in my life, I do admit to pangs of jealousy when I see people posting on Farcebook how great their dads were, again I get the fact thatI had some pretty damn good male role models in my life growing up, I simply didn’t know it at the time, but the main reason behind the last blog if I’m honest is, I would have liked to have been given the opportunity to choose if I hated him or if I wanted to forgive him.

I honestly as a kid didn’t think a great deal about it as I was growing up, I was a kid, I had enough shit going on without adding to it, you know normal kid stuff, so yeah forgive  me if I didn’t think of him I got the impression that he didn’t think of me go figure! At least I had music music and then a bit more music!

If he did have another family and I certainly don’t begrudge him that right, why did he simply choose to ignore us where we that inconsequential to him, I’m sure there are many factors that I have not been made aware of but until they are presented to me, my view on my relationship with a person who kind of didn’t exist will stay the same, I am not after building something that obviously was never there, I never got the impression that he cared for me when he was around, I believe my brother was probably more affected than me as there was a better connection, shared interest’s ,simply because of age and the fact that my brother is the spitting double of him, my brother got everything from my dad except a full head of hair, LOL you can guess what I got!

I suppose I do have the right to be bitter if I so desire, but to be honest I’m not, I was upset about 20 years ago for a couple of weeks but then I simply let it go, as I get older I try not to let bitterness into my life, I have enough problems without fabricating more and let them dictate the way I feel! Sometimes though and it is very rare I wonder why he did what he did, I have always assumed rightly or wrongly with the information that I have to hand, and yes I know it to be biased, I am assuming that there was mental health issues, without further data I cannot improve on what I know or feel, it is the one thing I genuinely do not hold a grudge for, I mean what is the point.

I don’t hold a grudge against anybody having a great relationship with their dad good luck to them, I can see that some of them have become awesome parents simply because that they indeed had a strong father figure in their lives! Good luck to you one and all, and yes, I know at times when I blog on this particular subject there is a certain sense of paranoia creeping in, I don’t need to be told, I know I’m a dumb ass!

So 2 blogs in less than an hour you now how to make an old man that little bit happier , the day can only get worse, lets see how this one does compare to the last one, and as always yes the name game is in play, until the next one (and no there wont be another one today) keep the comments coming even if I don’t publish them all, I no w need to lie down as I have a number of chores to complete, typical bloody blogs got in the way……………Toodles!