Old Habits Die Hard

Loneliness is a word I like, I like the way it rolls of the tongue along with solitude, does that make me strange? Without a shadow of a doubt. I have over the years spent a lot of time in solitude, even within relationships and if I’m honest I have no issues with it. Has it helped me or hindered me over the years probably both, probably the wrong emotion at the wrong time in my life but what the hell do I know?

Some people have said that I can be cold (and that has never been my intention in any relationship/friendship good or bad) at times I can be a little over the top and definitely try too hard to ingratiate myself within the group and other times shyness shines through and I’m the wallflower trying to hide in the undergrowth. A happy medium would be the ideal thing but I’m not sure that I’m actually equipped to be either happy or a medium (hahaha) does it really matter? Sometimes it does, sometimes the wife could use a bit more moral support in life the universe or even indeed anything. I don’t make friends easily, I seem to cause extremes for people who meet me, they either like me or really don’t, I’m not sure that there is an easy middle ground, and when I was younger it was said I had quite a chip on my shoulder, now when I think about it and I wasn’t the easiest person to get on with (along with my million and one other issues) my brother seemed to be the opposite and although similar to me he can make friends quite easily without much purchase and can move between groups of people without any problem (the lucky bastard hahaha) even at this late stage in the day of my life at times I wonder what has caused such a polar shift between people that can and indeed do take a personal dislike, as I get older I find it so much harder to make friends yet in early life I had no issues for making friends, although I do try to analyse it from time to time, I know that it in all honesty it is a waste of my time and effort it would be easier me for me to move on and not to worry about it.

Old habits die hard though and I can also be as insecure at my present age as I was thirty plus years ago some clever people would analyse it and say it’s because I’m from a broken home (bollocks) or that I have struggled through large portions of  my life (again double bollocks) I am who I am and although in the last few years (mainly influenced by work) I have finally started to mature, I have by and large started to drift towards the back of any given groups when I was younger I would be right at the front of anything and everything and damn the consequences, is this what old age is like if it is there’s a lot I don’t like about it, the bug bear is though life doesn’t come with an instruction manual or even with a complaints department, its best just to get on with it, everyone else seems to do it Ok maybe it’s just me being in touch with my feminine side.

I have a continuous dream that’s neither good or bad just varying degrees of weird, I can go weeks without dreaming anything that makes sense, of late I have been dreaming lots on nonsensical dreams which I don’t have a problem with as I do have a recurring dream that I hate and might just talk about in another part of this book depending on how I feel, but the most common dream I have plays like the Woodstock film all split screen and it’s me and the wife as we get a lot older and of the three screens the one I see the least of is of me and the wife enjoying retirement if it was a percentage thing I would say about twenty percent, and it’s not all doom and gloom there is some good stuff in there happiness and stuff  I would hate to think I was a miserable git for more than ninety nine percent of the actual day hahahaha, the other two dreams that run concurrently and depending on how I feel when I go to bed one is of the wife by herself getting on with life and this portion is generally bathed in sunshine and not full of misery and again its weird wacky stuff that bears no relation to anything that is actually going on in real life! The last portion is of me doing exactly the same but there is always a sense of melancholy when it’s purely me, in none of the dreams is there an indication of whether someone has died we are just by ourselves and although people who I know come in and out of all sections of the actual dream, but and here is the guilty secret I enjoy the melancholia part of the dream god knows what a trick cyclist (that’s a psychiatrist) would think they would have a whale of a time.

It seems as always I have wandered from the topic of the blog or have I? sometimes I like to be alone, when I was younger I would go walkabout sometimes for weeks on end, I would just jump on a bus or train and head somewhere where I wasn’t  known and even now when I go away with work I have a tendency to hide in my room, I don’t like to mix outside of my comfort zone, I know some of the courses I go on can be quite intensive long days with work to be done on a night time, but the others seem to find time to mix yet me I hideaway in my room doing what needs to be done. That’s not me being miserable sometimes I don’t have a clue on how to interact with “grown ups” I suppose I had better learn how to do It sooner rather than later!  Until next time Toodles!