Toxicity.

I have failed yet again in my attempt at having a sense of humour! No matter what I have tried over the last six weeks, it all turns BLACK!

I feel like a certain character out of The Fast Show, I simply need to get an easel, thankfully because I have prevailed, I have at last started to climb out of the morass of ill feeling that has been surrounding me, I would also like to thank all of you the discerning readers who have latched on and have been rereading all of the old blogs, and again thanks for all of the kind words, they have indeed helped. If anybody has noticed or even cares I am slowly but surely removing myself from social media, I’m not going to delete the accounts, I will still control them as much as one can. The reason why the last blog was musical was simply because I was at my lowest ebb ever, I was trying to stay positive but I couldn’t, so to fill the gap I went with what I know and that was music, it didn’t do great numbers but it did OK for what it was. By the end of the year the only place where I will be posting will be here on the blog.

By removing myself slowly from social media, rather than going cold turkey, my self esteem has been slowly building trying to retrieve some kind of sanity, I have been suffering from major bouts of jealousy, Misery and all of the other bad feelings that were simply overwhelming me, I wasn’t simply being a big girls blouse, I was deep in the hole and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it out, I decided that I would simply remove myself from my work Farcebook page, stop posting altogether and see the reaction, I waited 53 days before someone even noticed and asked if I was alright, I’m glad it was that length of time as they might simply have got a mouth full of abuse/bile, thankfully the climb had started. Having said that I felt worthless that it took so long for anybody to notice I wasn’t there, especially as I was normally prolific annoying the shit out of my former boss at my former job, generally trying to be a fun and happy person, not one person missed me, I could have been lying dead somewhere, it kind of puts your life into some kind of perspective, love those close to you and keep them in your hearts.

I blame Christmas and the fact that I was allowed time off, I could fester to my hearts delight, my black heart! it was the first time in nearly 35 years, there’s a term for it I’m sure I will remember it at some point, I retreated into my own shell and although we had a nice Christmas I was sinking slowly, even Bob wanted nothing to do with me, he did want to be named the guilty party for pushing me truly over the edge. I do try and keep myself busy when I’m off, simply pottering here and there, But this time I would simply sit there and stare blankly at the world and hating it, hating it with every fibre in my body, life wasn’t fair and I wanted to bite back, I wasn’t being fair to anyone, everything was bleak, it’s the only way that I can describe it. The wife kept trying to throw me a life line and I simply kept throwing it back at her, this was my problem not hers I didn’t want to talk I didn’t want saved I was simply waiting for that big wave to come in and claim me!

I went back to all of my bad habits, staring inward, eating all the wrong things, I put weight on that simply didn’t help, I didn’t want to be happy, even music the great redeemer did nothing, many times I simply went to work and left my MP3 players in the house, I wanted to wallow like a whale in my misery, I was good at it, work was simply that work, again no joy, I don’t think I have the words to say how bad it was, it was probably the closest I have ever being to doing something stupid, not self-harm, but to be self-destructive, I drank in the house again which spiralled into eating the wrong things again and my mood spiralling ever downward. I have nobody but myself to blame, I did everything I could to break my heart over and over again, I simply didn’t care for myself or anybody else, that is the worst thing that I could be so selfish, I honestly never thought I would or even could be, but there was the proof, I always say as long as I wake up happy, I’m happy with life, I went to bed praying that I wouldn’t wake up and I awoke cursing the fact that I woke the next morning!

Why did I feel like this, simply because of the pain that I thought I was causing my loved ones, that they would indeed be better off without me, alcohol helps those feelings, when I’m in the house I can drink to excess (for me anyway)  I realise that I was drinking way too much, I’m not a heavy drinker by any stretch of any imagination, but it was heavy for me, and it caused me  severe mental health problems, thankfully I only ever drank at weekends and never on a school night, I would go to work with animosity in my heart, I would spend long hours thinking were I had gone wrong, I know I hadn’t gone wrong, life is what it was, but when that mood arrives there is not a lot anybody can do, I pitied myself and that drove me further away from my family and friends, thoughts of being alone with no family or friends, isolation was self-inflicted, it always is, I realise as I enter my final innings, we are born alone we die alone, sometimes that sweet oblivion cannot be close enough! I’m sure that’s a theme I have touched on more than once.

I have been conflicted about family, I love my family, but I wonder why my family life has been so fractured, why does a father desert his family and make no effort to stay in touch, I think it didn’t affect me as a kid, but those seeds are buried deep and like Japanese Knot weed almost impossible to eradicate, I have always tried to be a better parent than my father, I like to think I have been, but the gnawing is always there, so many questions I would ask, if he was still alive, is he dead, why does it bother me now, it gnaws and gnaws, that’s when jealousy creeps in and I hate myself even more.

In the middle of all this I was having major memory issues, it was a nightmare, simple things that normally I would know, gone lost to God knows where, it didn’t help my mood swings, I’m still having issues but I am trying exercise mentally, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t, but there are still some big gaps in my memories, maybe it’s the onset of dementia, that’s all I need, actually it is that could solve the main problem, I could sit and drool to my heart’s content! Damn that’s not the happiest wish in this blog, is it?

I then had a fall on my way to work, one small patch of ice one giant leap for mankind and I was like a superstar of the winter Olympics, you couldn’t bend wire the shape I landed, yes it hurt, no I didn’t bounce, a nice lady stopped to see if I was alright, I wasn’t but I soldiered on, one foot in front of the other, I bashed my head, cracked my collar bone, a few ribs, I got through the day but when I got home all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep, well that’s what I did, and had a deep sleep, I dreamed about people who I worked with all through my life in all of the jobs that I have worked I woke in a deep pool of sweat as there was a person in my dream I couldn’t remember his name and every time I couldn’t remember his name something bad happened, it was a weird dream, but when I woke I spent an hour trying to remember his name and for the love of money it simply wouldn’t come, that’s a really bad feeling to have at 3 in the morning, when the dam broke, I nearly cried with relief, the mind is a bad thing to mess with and I felt like I was playing with something dangerous, I honestly thought I was losing my marbles!

My physical health was destroyed and in a bad way, thankfully I am back on an even footing no drinking at the weekend, trying to get my diabetes back on track as well, that will take more than a couple of weeks, a minor surgical procedure was meant to help me with my ongoing medical issues, it didn’t help and it just poses more questions, questions that aren’t being addressed by a medical professional, I feel like a professional complaint coming on, I might even go for the scorched earth approach just burn the it all fucking down,  I have had this condition going on nearly 4 years and I’m sure its probably at the base of all my other issues, watch this space! And yes, I am still in pain since my fall slowly getting better, except my collar bone, at times like this I wish I could retire forever!

Then at the beginning of this week, it felt like the sun was trying to break through, I do feel better, well a little bit better, still single digits, but that’s an improvement on the last 12 weeks I can tell you, and so to the retreat, music is creeping back into my life, as is my family, and I do appear to be a tad less bleak when I wake each morning, The social media profile shall be pruned back to its roots I don’t want it to die I simply want to be in control, this will be the last blog that will be advertised on Farcebook, I know I will get some people genuinely concerned about me don’t be it is what it is, there’s nothing anybody other than myself can do, I shall still post at least once a month you will simply have to look to see if I have posted, I do with good intention intend to try and write something humorous, musical, historical, watch this space is all I can offer. So here is the deal, the intention is to try and write something no later than the last week of every month, so you will really have to watch the skies if you do indeed want a dose of my life.

So to close the longest blog in a while, I have shaved this down by over 80%, I have pages and pages of misery that I intend to burn once this is posted, time to put my best foot forward and simply take a deep breath and try to live each day to the best of my ability, that may not be very good to some of you, but it’s all I can promise, so until the next time, take care and stay alive…………….TOODLES!

2021 – My Musical Year!

And so, the last year disappears in the rear-view mirror, it was not the best of years musically or personally for that matter, Bob was in attendance for more of it than I would like to admit, which is probably why I retreated into older music more than I had in the past.

I still had my regular supplier for downloads it was simply getting harder to collect, we did our best with visits from time to time, my intention to have more quality control, as always there was diamonds in the rough, however there was less quality than I had hoped for, enough of the gripes, here is what I liked.

None of these are in any particular order it’s just how I have taken it from my notes.

There were quite a few reissues this year and I will get to them at some point later in this blog: -

1.       Sloper – Pulverize. I do like to follow local talent and the singer of this band couldn’t be any more local, the rest of the band though are quite famous in Holland, Pete Shoulder who was in Winterville and The Union is the vocalist, a solid album here’s hoping there’s more to come from them.

 

2.       KK’s Priest – Sermons of the Sinner. Again, a good solid album, if not exactly astounding I enjoyed it for what it was, a Judas priest kind of cover band, Maybe, if KK had done this earlier instead of bleating to the press all of the time, I could have done without the return of the sentinel, it might have done a bit better, can do better is what I would say, the proof is in the second album,

 

 

3.       Yes – The Quest. The jury is still out on this one for me, it has its moments, but I’m not sold 100% I have played it a few times, let’s see if I return to it many more? but again the proof is in the pudding or rather how many times I go back to it! I love the original band I even loved the album where Trevor Horn sang (Drama) but I feel it’s ever decreasing circles with each line up since Mr Anderson was ejected!

 

4.       Bernie Marsden – Chess. I like Bernie he’s nice and social and he makes good albums, and that’s the problem, you won’t get a bad album, but he has never done a great album, I enjoyed this but again the proof is in the pudding or rather how many times I go back to it!

 

 

5.       Pepperkid2 – Adventures in Pepperland. I know I will get some odd looks over this one it’s the solo album of FM’s keyboard player, ably assisted by Laurence Archers Grand Slam band mates with a Steve Overland song added into the mix, I like it, it’s what I would call mature, again I need to play it a few more times but it is a grower, not what I was expecting!

 

6.       Pete Goalby – Easy with the heartaches. Famous for playing with Trapeze and Uriah Heep in the early 80’s I had the pleasure of working with him in 86 , I got this to see if any of my songs made it onto the list, they don’t , he disappeared from the face of the music business for some reason (for legal reasons I can’t mention Mickie Most) he still has a good voice and to be honest this should have been titled work in progress, as they sound like demo’s to me, I like them but they will blend into the background over the next couple of months.

 

 

7.       Smith – Kotzen – Debut. I love this album, I love the playing, I love the vocals, did I mention that I love the playing, I love the songs, great album and in reality, probably my album of the year in all honesty!

 

8.       Iron Maiden – Senjitsu. This is a little harder to quantify, is it a good album, yes it is, its just so dense, I must have played this more than 20 times and I’m still getting to grips with it, too many long songs for me, just when you are getting to grips with a song it buggers off on another bloody turning, do I like it yes I do, but the fact that there is only one 4 minute song, even that seems longer, sometimes I like the punch that they used to do, I will continue to wrestle with it, they don’t do bad albums but howay lads lets have a short one  next time please!

 

 

9.       Robben Ford – Pure. I get a lot of guitarists music and I do like Mr Ford but this isn’t in the same league as Talk to your daughter, do I like it, I do or it wouldn’t be in this list, I do keep going back to it, I’m not interested in learning the names, I’m not that invested, it depends on my mood, it is what it is a good album.

 

10.   Steve Lukather – I found the sun again.  I love Toto, I love most of his solo stuff (his debut is simply stunning) but I wandered away from his catalogue, this was a pleasant surprise, with a couple of odd covers, although they are played well.

So that was the new stuff but what else did I go back to, well I bought a new MP3 player simple to use with tons of space for complete discography’s so let’s see what else I have been listening to:-

1.       Whitesnake Restless Heart. Even though I now have the anniversary release playing on repeat I have had this on my MP3 player since day one with one exception there is a cover on here that sounds like Coverdale has been shot in the crotch by a nail gun, I have no idea why he put it on its horrific my third fave Whitesnake album after Trouble and Come and get It, give it a go you might like it!

 

2.       Thunder and all of the solo stuff. And I do mean all of it, I will play at least one of these a day, are they my fave band, hell no, but I do like them why the hell do you think I go to them on a daily basis, there is the odd dodgy track but by and large a cracking band with a go to catalogue.

 

 

3.       Fish – Discography. When Bob’s on the prowl this is my safe harbour or one of them, I actually prefer the solo stuff!

 

4.       Marillion – The First 4 Studio albums. My other safe harbour, I can listen to the Hogarth era but I wouldn’t go out of my way to, those first four are simply in another class and the band never matched them, they had one or two good moments, it’s strange their best effort without Fish and the only one I have listened to repeatedly is Seasons end, Go Figure!

 

 

5.       SO – Brass monkey. A twenty + year old album and more of a Beatles, soul, pop record one I never get sick of playing Steve Overland in his prime, it should have been huge!

 

6.       FM – Discography. Again, songs of my youth and I do love Mr O’s voice its not all sold gold but the bulk of it is, it all depends upon my mood.

 

 

7.       Thin Lizzy – Discography. I don’t have the words to describe these albums, let’s just say they remind of better times!

 

8.       Bad Company – Desolation Angels. Again, this is a rerelease, there is something about this album I love, simpler times I suppose, much better than their previous effort “Burning Sky”.

 

 

9.       UFO – Discography.  Again, I have always loved these but to be honest it’s the release of the 6 dates that made up the set for “strangers in the night” a great box set, it simply transports me back to the 70’s.

 

10.   Blackmores Night – Discography. Not even a guilty pleasure I love Mr B, and I love these albums, I will bounce through these and go back to Rainbow and Deep Purple, but these have been on my playlist for the last year.

So, there you go that’s basically what I have been playing for the last 12 months, music has been and will always my safe harbour, the blogs have been doing well and congratulations to Skep, not sure if that’s a nickname or your given first name well done, who not only got the name game also spotted the line from a Black Sabbath song (She’s Gone) in the last blog. The name game is not in play for this blog and this wasn’t the blog I intended to post this week but it’s the one I could finish, the next one will be here soon enough, I simply need to polish it, as I really do try my best, I don’t just vomit this literally onto the page!

Now to get on with life (and music) in 2022, life is……. shite, but you have to pick yourself up and move on, as long as I can still do that I will be happy, so look to the skies, for more incoming until the next blog all I can say is stay safe and stay alive, until then ……………………Toodles!

Where were you.

Yes the name game is as always in play!

These things don’t write themselves anymore, it would appear I have to do a lot of polishing of a turd to get here.

I’m hoping to keep this one as short and sweet as possible, keep some lightness in it as I’m sure that the majority of you are as sick as I am with regards the piles of misery, I seem to be good at producing, I have started this particular blog a number of times over the last few weeks to no avail, I haven’t been happy with the content or the feel of the various attempts so far, but any way here goes the final blog of the year, lets try and go with the flow.

Time has moved on and the world kept turning, the wife got the dreaded Co Vid and she was/is in a bad way, although she has returned to nearly normal cheery self, it was 10 days of dread, I was concerned as it appears a number of people who I have written about have succumbed to the awful disease, a long conversation with a person from my past confirmed more than a dozen old friends have passed because of it, to say I was in shock was an understatement, to say that my head was spinning would be quite the understatement.

Work has been simply work, although the pace of my days were slug like, I am not enjoying the one thing that seemed to bring me cheer, The Christmas holidays were upon us and I have sat and ate shite and drank stuff that will do me enormous amounts of harm with scant regard for my health, as I sit typing this I am coasting along on a high dose of sugar, well what does that matter, not a lot in the grand scheme of things!

Death has been in abundance as an older gentleman who guided me back in the day (when I dated his daughter) was a bigger shock than I thought it would be, he guided me in politics (when they meant something) and in the ways of doing what was right, I may not have seen him in nearly 40 years but there wasn’t many days when I went over what he taught me. Its strange what sticks with you over the years I hope at some point I have inspired someone in the same way I doubt it but it was always something to aspire to!

I had hoped to steer myself on a straighter course these last few weeks but it would appear I simply don’t care enough (at this particular moment in time) to want to fit in with anyone or anything, me with my reputation, go figure! You only live once, a common enough trope, but is it actually true, I have at some point been a baby then a toddler, a child who tripped into adolescence, a young man (allegedly) a middle-aged man heading God knows where at this particular moment in time, just how close to my finishing line am i? digging even deeper I was at some point a son (once to my knowledge) a husband (twice so far) a soldier, a lyricist, a forestry worker, a friend (those days seems so far away) a patient (the older I get the more times it would appear that I get to practice this one) a drunk (only semi-professional) a wise guy (failed) a teetotaler (again a failure at this moment in time) some might say at some point I have even been successful (not that I can remember) so which one was my one true life, did I blink and miss it, the endless hours of heartache are what I remember, I have a feeling if all these versions of me were to meet they wouldn’t recognise anything of themselves in any form!

At best they would view each version of each as strangers, or worse still as idiots who wasted the best part of the last 40 plus years! So maybe just maybe the real question should be do we real only live once or do we die a number of times and are reborn as a bigger idiot than before, food for thought or am I as usual overthinking life and the universe!

My health as been crap, not that I am helping myself (go figure) although I finally got to see a specialist, I turned up slightly early (ok 90 minutes early and had to sit outside) and was seen for a total of 4 minutes and told yes we will have to investigate further (WT actual F) sometimes I don’t know why I bother, maybe I should stop swimming against the tide and simply drown that seems to be the easiest answer, maybe I will get some further investigations in another 3 years?

And then the usual Christmas farce, to be honest I have tried really hard this year, I don’t think I was 100% successful but at least I tried, the last blog did even better numbers and the older blogs did just as well over the last four weeks as well, I have no idea why, I’m not expecting this one to do huge numbers as  I have two musical ones to follow (or I may simply join them as a common thread) to follow within the next few weeks (14 days on countdown) that’s if I can muster the energy to do something with my life, I’m still on holiday and I am still sat in a pool of self-loathing waiting for the big fella to blast me with a bolt of lightning, fingers crossed!

So I hope that you all had a great time I hope you all got something that you liked I hope you all have good health and the love of someone close to you, please don’t worry about this old ship wreck I am believe it or not trying to pull myself forward to be a better person (Allegedly) so place nice and look to the skies for there shall be more incoming, soon! Until the next time stay safe………..Toodles!

Truth & Soul.

The last month has gone and life (or my view of it) isn’t as bleak as the last blog would indicate, life is still crap, but to be honest I don’t care one way or the other, the last blog still did exceptional numbers even though I didn’t promote it, it seems you the discerning reader seems to like my misery. I don’t think that my misery lives on, I feel that I am at the simply don’t care stage, and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass who is interested one way or another.

Someone still cares as yet again there is a steady stream of numbers for older blogs, probably someone looking for the source of my misery. The content of the last blog was as honest as I could with 95% of the bile stripped out, some people were concerned enough to try and contact me, as I have said previously, yes, my mood is black most days, but I have no intention to cause to harm to myself or anyone in my sphere of being. All I can do is try and do my best each day, as long as I wake up with the will to take a step forward, I don’t think there is a lot else I can do.

The boat is still leaking however I have started the bilge pumps once again with the intention of making it to the shore line, see I can still do the old boating analogy, when I want to.

Some of you have asked why I have been writing what I have and the simple answer is I can only write something honest, the truth will out, I believe if I try to write something cheerful (when I’m not) will come across as false and I have always been nothing but honest and truthful. Life (for everybody) is not always rosy, sometimes it’s shit and that’s what I am sailing through at the moment, work, music, life etc, etc is simply not floating my boat, I’m generally unhappy within myself, I have no intention of burdening anyone with the tales of woe (except within the pages of my blog) I simply hope by spewing forth all of this crap it will lighten my load, it hasn’t worked yet, but the intention is to continue to put my best foot forward.

This has been without a doubt the hardest part of my life, its not PTSD related all though that is floating around in the background, I had to go to a new site at work and it was a long gravel path to get there, I was like a cat trying to walk on water (gravel is a key trigger for my PTSD) in reality it might be funny at the time for someone who doesn’t know me, but its pure torture for me. Thankfully I was given a lift back to the office, I only had a minor meltdown one that I was able to circumvent by walking to get my bus connection instead of getting the shuttle to my destination, once at the bus stop, I got on the bus that takes an hour and a half instead of the 40-minute journey and slept the sleep of the dead until I got home, shell shocked but all the better for it.

My new work colleagues don’t know of my little foibles and so far, I have been able to keep my quirks to myself, I prefer that there is at least some mystery, at least for now, as I still haven’t got full time employment I have a year’s probation, and yes, I can do the job, I simply don’t want to have to go somewhere else to work, I like stability and the year long probation is waying heavily on my mind

While I do feel marginally better, I still feel like crap, thankfully the wife hasn’t smothered me with a pillow yet, she hasn’t poked the bear, it’s a learning curve for us all, she could still bring a shotgun to bear to give my legs a slap, mind you she might simply be oblivious and think I’m just being my usual miserable self! I’m still drowning, I’m still clutching at straws, I’m sure that would make a good lyric.

One of the good things I don’t have is Christmas being shoved down my throat at my present place of employment, you never know I might enjoy Christmas for a change (highly unlikely) but you never know, faith springs eternal. My health is as bad as  it can be at the moment, my eating habits being my number one priority to get under control as they tend to spiral out of control my eating habits are strictly governed by my mood, the better I am the less I eat, the blacker the mood the more I hoover up, I have put about a stone on since I last wrote a blog, I know what I have to do, it’s only me who can do it, I am aware, my problems my way of life, one step every day, I do intend to get the better of this, I am tempted to ask the dr’s for help if the run up to the end of the year doesn’t improve, I’m hoping to do better, going to the Drs is enough of a punishment!

The black clouds are still black, but I can see some grey clouds on the horizon, as I steer my ship to fairer winds and safer shores, all I can do is to keep trying, that’s the one promise I will always try to do, its not perfect but I am damned if I am intend to life get the better of me, I will do better, I can do better, as always best foot forward.

So the intention is to get playing more music, classic or new material I don’t care, music normally does right the ship, I need to sort my health out the list is getting longer although most of it is diabetes related, so that’s down to me, I have tendonitis, that’s simply down to the miles I am walking for work, that is what it is I can simply try my best and rest up when I get home, my torn rotator cuff has gotten annoying after lying dormant for so long, I awake each morning  with a pain in my neck quite literally and although it wears away as the day goes on its been with me for about 6 weeks and as well as this pain I get pins and needles in my hand, so  I feel that’s its connected, again annoying and not helping, my tinnitus has been down to a dull roar of late so thank the lord for small ,mercies! Having said that my arse is still like a rag man’s trumpet with all of the wind and crap pouring out of me!

Reading through my notes as I prepare to write this, I do strip out the bile (honest) my notes have towards the end of the month have taken a brighter hue than the earlier notes maybe its just as well I am only doing these on a monthly basis, if I was still doing them on a weekly basis I would sectioned in a hospital where they tie the sleeves of their jackets to the back of me, I’m not quite there, but I reckon I have sailed pretty damn close to that particular shoreline, so that’s it another missive without shape or construction, I can only thank the people who have asked how I’m doing, its not you it’s me, I will keep trying, allegedly!

So, one more before the end of the year and the intention is for it to be something historical rather than me simply a miserable bastard as people have been asking for something to hopefully make me a happier soul (highly unlikely) I have a number of medical tests in the coming weeks although I don’t hold out for any new hope it just goes round and round in circles, I bet the only news will be bad news, its been 4 years so far and I’m still no further forward, lets try and be optimistic and keep everything that can be crossed will be successful!

So, until the next time enjoy, stay safe and stay alive, watch the skies for incoming as there could be a couple of blogs musical and historical being prepped and not the usual self-pitying bile that the last couple of have been, honestly the intention is to do better, I can do better so spread the disease and until the next time……………………. Toodles!

And the man in the mirror has sad eyes

White Flags.

It never rains it pours!

And so, it continues, and not in a good way no matter what you try to do you simply can’t seem to shake off the crap that revolves around yourself!

Life is always paved with good intentions, I always try to do my best for my fellow humans its rarely ever reciprocated not that I want it to be but a sliver of luck would help in these dark days, it doesn’t matter what you do, life is shit!

The hound has returned to haunt me and this time he has shackled himself to me and I can’t shake him no matter what I try to do, this is the worst bout of darkness I have endured in the past 40 years, thankfully it is not my PTSD that is causing me any serious issues although it is never far away, I seem to have that handled although because of that statement I’m expecting it to come back to bite me in the ass at some point. All the tricks that I have learned over the last few years are doing absolutely fuck all, if anything they just seem to be making matters worse, I just can’t seem to shake this intense feeling of dread. The thought of simply fucking off and being a hermit is so appealing at the moment, although I am adult enough to know that isn’t an option.

I’m even trying to avoid talking to my own family, simply because of my mood, I feel it will simply create confrontation, as I would go out of my way to cause them pain, not that I want to, but it would be a momentary salve to ease my wounds if only for a few seconds, I wouldn’t mean it and again I’m enough of an adult to realise I don’t really wish to cause anybody else pain just to ease my own! The darkness seems to draw itself inside to me the only pleasure that I seem to get even if its only fleeting is to spew the black cancer of depression onto a virgin white page.

I feel isolated, if I am its simply because of my own actions, I don’t wish to interact, my life feels as if I’m living a lie, imposter syndrome personified, work is not helping, I am trying to my best   but the layers of indifference and politics don’t sit with me, I simply want to do the job to the best of my abilities and to actually make a difference, to help people but I seem to be swimming against the tide. I’m stressed there I said it, I don’t believe in stress, but I have developed a twitch in my eye which is a fuse, about 30 seconds after my eye twitches I seem to be enveloped in dark thoughts and its almost impossible to shake.

I am trying to play as much of old classic music as possible, but it’s not helping, I simply go through the motions playing artists that I love but deriving no pleasure from it, I feel empty inside, if this sounds like I have given up, I haven’t I am fighting as hard as I ever have, but to little or no avail, I retreat before the tide of blackness, I am cutting my lines of communication as I go, enforcing a scorched earth policy that is detrimental to myself, but the fall out is effecting others and I have no idea how to resolve this simply for their sake, me I don’t care, to use an army analogy I feel as though I am a tail end Charlie no matter happens and I will have to take the consequences of holding that position!

I’m living my life in confusion and I can’t seem to shake the fog that surround’s me, I know that I simply must keep going, Now, before anybody panics and thinks that I’m going to do something stupid and think that I would self-harm, well then you really don’t know me, I would never contemplate that, however I feel like the boxer who is taking punch after punch and I can’t seem to fall, at least if I fell, I could try to pick myself up!

 My medical issues are piling up, my diabetes is punishing me, in turn I am eating crap hoovering up silly amounts of the wrong food at the wrong times, not eating for ages then gorging until I feel sick, this in turn feeds into my other issues which is not pleasant in any way no matter what the Dr claims that the medication will do to alleviate the issue, what I’m eating doesn’t help , I know this is bad and I really don’t give a shit, literally, I know I should think of others, but I don’t, I’m being selfish, I’m not even thinking about myself. I have damaged rotator cuff that for some reason after a few years of being a good boy is flaring up, I can’t seem to work what’s causing it, I certainly am not doing any heavy manual work, my knees are in pain but I know that’s not helped by my eating habits, the more I eat the more I weigh the more pain I receive, it would appear I must be a masochist, I’m suffering from a bout of tendonitis, that’s not helped with work (large distances to be walked each day) I simply seem to cause several knock effects for all of it, my sleep is interrupted most nights, I dream weird dreams and when you consider I didn’t dream for over 35 years when it has started up again its quite exhausting. In the old days I would have simply gone for a walkabout, given my head a shake and pushed all of the crap down below, now it breaks through my defenses with great ease.  

I do feel better for getting it down on paper but in reality, this is late simply because my thoughts have been so dark and disturbing, even for me. I know what I have to do but I don’t seem to be able it to do, I am simply going to have to keep plugging away, the weekend looms it means I can retreat back into my shell, its monotone and mind numbing but its better than the shit I am going through on a day to day basis, so there you have it the internal ravings of a functional lunatic, if I won the lottery I would probably spend it on a doctor to crack my head open to see what’s wrong in there, so, watch the skies the intention is to be on an upward curve by the next one, I can’t promise anything other than I can but try, so until then stay safe and stay alive……………………Toodles!

Untitled Lullaby.

I really had the feeling that I should be writing something it was building up in side me like a volcano, oops that’s possibly a  bad metaphor when you consider what’s going on in Los Palmas but hell you kind of get the picture!

This week I discovered life is expensive, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise, life can also be shite, usually because it is expensive as well, but you simply have to pick yourself up and crack on!

Times have been decidedly shite for no other reason than I have let it take a bite out of my arse and because I let it, once I gave my head a shake the even keel has been restored, I’m back to my usual cheeky chappy, it might not last long but dammit I’m going to die trying! Actually, I’m guaranteed to die but I will be trying. Nothing was actually wrong as the earth had moved on, I was just feeling down, and I was reeling from punch after punch. Normally I would roll with it but for some reason I was in the depths of despair, trying to hide it, to be honest I’m not sure if I did a good job of it, not that it mattered I was down for the count, at the time I wasn’t having any success at getting back on my feet.

Out of the blue the haze lifted and slowly the fog in my mind was slowly disappearing, I was still taking hits to the head but the old me was resurfacing, I realised others needed me to be of clear head and not mopping around, I was hiding in work something I don’t really want to do anymore, it doesn’t help it simply stores the shit up, and it becomes infectious, let’s cut this shit out now.

We had yet another cunning plan to go and visit a friend who lives a distance away the wife needed it big style, so we booked a hotel and a road trip was confirmed, and we counted the days down as it would do us both the world of good, and god knows we both needed it, in the meantime the car needed to be serviced and it was identified that there was a couple of issues minor items but mega expensive doing it at a named garage, we used a local place so I wanted it done before the trip, we also needed 3 tyres (fuck) so off the car went and it came back after £690 worth of work (WTF) the hotel was another £200 it couldn’t get any more expensive, for once I had the cash available so I didn’t care.

Come the day we set off, not ten miles from home we get a bloody rock into the windscreen, there’s another £75, this is going to be another hole below the water line, the wife was amazed as I really didn’t care, she was freaking out, Life is expensive, it had to happen, the windscreen I could have done without, but hey ho lets go, other than the rock, it was a pleasant journey, we got to our allotted destination, we were staying at Fylde FC stadium  lovely and brand new (the wife picked it upon expert advice from the friend we were visiting) we got booked in the wife destroyed all of the security doors on the way to our suite (it’s swanky). A short respite and then we headed off to the Kingfisher for some grub another recommendation, it was close, and the beer and food was nice (I would give it an 8 out of ten) I wanted the glass they served the beer in, but it wasn’t too be, next time, then it was time to head back to our lovely abode, I treated the wife to an expensive coffee (pure muck) and then we retired for the evening.

I was up like a thief in the night before sunrise and was typing silently long before the wife rose from the dead, there was an issue with breakfast, would we mind having it in our room (hell no) it arrived slightly late, damn it I was starving, it was so lush, I was well satisfied, for once. A typical cunning plan, a spanner was thrown but we adapted and hurtled on into oblivion, actually we decided to spend the morning in Blackpool, god it was like the village of the damned, we got going and wandered the streets, I get why people like it and go and get hammered but as a holiday destination, it’s a no from me, I like the people I know from the area, but the council should be shot with shit for allowing the number of depilated buildings, I know they don’t belong to the council, but hells bells, I bet Sarajevo at the height of the fighting looked better than this, we discovered a second hand record shop (another recommendation) and although I was tempted, I was a good boy, I wasn’t buying out of need actually that should read as greed, anyway I was a really good boy!

A light lunch at Burger king, a small snooze before putting our glad rags on and heading out to see our friend, I am back in the land of the living (for the time being) I have no idea how long it will last, but I am willing to take it, what was crap as I tried to roll over the bed to avoid disturbing the wife nearly saw me cause  myself a mischief, the wife just shook her head, my body is a temple, a crumbling ruin at the feet of my wife. We retired for some light rest (OK I slept) then headed out for a designated rendezvous, The Black Valais, seemed nice but it had a kind of stand offish vibe and bloody expensive beer and even more expensive soft drinks, not that I minded the cost we were on our holibobs but it’s a big place and it wasn’t giving off a good vibe, there were more people through the door that left than stayed, we had a couple of drinks but the menu wasn’t too our fancy so we buggered off as well.

We tried the place that we had been in the night previously but that was bookings only, so we ended up a mile down the road in the Bell and Bottle, a much nicer ambience and a much nicer menu, we ate we laughed and I talked more than I should of seeing as how I was the plus one, nevertheless it was a great evening that ended way too soon, we retired to our respective places of rest and enjoyed an even more mellow end to the evening.

As usual I was up padding around in the dark at stupid o clock but the wife rose on time refreshed, we sorted ourselves out, packed our bags and that’s where it started to go horribly wrong as the wife during breakfast suffered a coughing fit which made her rush back to the room where she promptly threw her guts up, she was soon back but her throat was raw and she now had an annoying cough (annoying for her not me) once she was in a better frame of mind we signed out and headed for the hills.

Actually we headed across country to see my favourite part of my family who lives in sunny scunny, with my stomach gurgling and the wife and rasping cough we made a great pair as we arrived outside the wrong house (we overshot by two houses hey it is nearly ten years since we had been and the place had changed just a bit) we readjusted the parking situation and spent just over an hour in great company and we were introduced to Teddi, not a great move as it’s a puppy of 18 weeks and the wife went all gaga, no we are not getting another dog, I can’t go through that again.

Too soon it was over as we had a long journey home, but set off we did and it was thankfully a rather uneventful trip home, apart from the wife swearing at trucks and my guts grumbling away. Home again to the youngest and then the wife off to do a good deed for the eldest and then a slow night just being mellow apart from the biggest spider I had ever seen in the scuttling across the living room floor, much throwing of shoes didn’t get the blighter (but I did this morning ha-ha) again back to being up with the larks and my stomach has had its revenge I’m so glad we got home when we did because I would have burnt the car out rather than clean the torrent that erupted from me this morning, not nice!

Today well we are about to set off and sort out the damaged windscreen let’s see what joy that brings! We had to be up as we were going to get the windscreen fixed the lovely lady at national windscreens moved us up the list because we had come quite a distance, we headed into town and the wife obliged me in where we headed to, I saw a couple of ex work mates who was nice to see, glad to see them doing well. We wandered into the green market and did our thing but as we left I was starting to sink I needed food, but I didn’t know where to go, I wasn’t planning on anything fancy, as we were deciding where to go the wife turned around and went “this is a nice place I have been here before” (Harrys Bar in Newcastle I would recommend it to anybody it was so nice) so we went in and we were asked if we had a reservation? It’s a huge place with about 4 tables with people sitting even if there were 50 people behind us we wouldn’t fill the place, but the staff were lovely and we were soon sat down and ordering, it really was lovely and the food was nice which helps, I recovered and was still in good spirits, even after the bill arrived, we set off to get the car, headed home but first we had to get supplies as we had the grand kids coming to stay and they need certain food stuffs (when I was a lad I ate what I was given lol).

We arrived home to find some post through the door, missed a parcel, my hospital appointment on Christmas eve cancelled, another letter saying that they were moving my appointment to the 16^th of December (WTF) that was something I wants expecting, it will probably get cancelled and moved to next year because at times the behemoth that is the NHS struggles to know what the left hand is doing whist the right hand moves in mysterious ways!

A great evening with the grand kids and with no whinging, although the youngest suffered a coughing fit whilst asleep a couple of hours after going to bed, they both woke simultaneously the next morning but all was good in the hood, another good morning and the wife was dropping them off as she headed out to work, she is still suffering from her wear and tear of her fall earlier in the year and its heart breaking to see a little old woman come through the door after her 4 hour shift she is seeing a doctor quite regularly, but I think its doing more harm than good, I wish I made enough for her not to have to go to work, at the moment I don’t.

Yesterday was a strange day for me as I kind of crashed and burned (sleep wise) but I was in good spirits when the wife arrived home, I did my nursing duties then tried to sort out my older laptop whilst they watched the dancing nonsense,  the youngest hit the hay and we kind of drifted through the night until it was time for us to head up the wooden hill and we both drifted off to sleep, only for me to wake up at quarter past four, sod it I got back in bed and slept another hour I was still up for half five, but again in a positive vibe, I’ll run with it as  long as it lasts, knowing me it won’t be long LOL!  

The name game is in play as I sit and type this eating Colin The Caterpillar fruit sours (I know how healthy) playing the full discography of the band, as always no prizes for guessing but I always  get a laugh out of the wrong guesses, it’s the simple things in life as I get older hahahaha!

So there you go, possibly the longest blog in a while and hopefully the happiest in the same time frame, I seem to be out of practice as it seems so disjointed but I enjoyed putting this down to paper (so to speak) the older blogs are still chugging away with small numbers, probably either discovering them for the first time or its some nice person rereading them either way it makes me kind of happy, what’s the plan going forward well tomorrow I have to go back to work (no lottery win) tomorrow and I intend to go with the flow, again I will take my time before I blog again, simply as I don’t have a lot of (positive) things to say, however I am trying (well the wife seems to think so), so watch the skies for more incoming keep spreading the disease you never know the happiness hopefully will last into the next blog (fingers crossed). So, until then I will do the best I can, take care and stay alive until the next time ……. Toodles!

Symptom of the Universe.

This blog has been deleted and rewritten so many times over the last fortnight, undergoing different titles and different themes, I can’t deny one thing that “Bob” is back with a vengeance.

I also can’t deny that my wife has been my number one concern for the last couple of weeks, her needs have far outweighed mine and my concern was justified as she went through a number of lows with very few highs, she has done well since the loss of our fur baby, but the heartbreak isn’t even trying to hide its right there on the surface like a scab, its just daring you to pull it. We have had a few diversions including a lovely evening out in Newcastle (our first in nearly two years )with likeminded adults and I thought the cloud was going in the right direction, however I neglected my own well being and sleepless nights were creeping in and I was trying my best (and failing) to ignore them, I need to deal with these issues as they arise because if I don’t, well lets just say they have a tendency to spiral.

The wife has had bad moments of health and although she is in regular contact with the doctor it seems to be causing as many issues as resolving them, its not nice to see her punch drunk from the “cure” as well all that ails her, I continue with my imposter syndrome and all the while I failed to notice all the things that were starting to drag me down, I had been lethargic with literally no get up and go, my number one symptom is having no interest in music, simply travelling to work in a haze of negativity, salvation in the shape of two fully loaded MP3 players on my knee in my bag, but I simply choose to fester in all of my negativity and to gaze out of the windows of the bus but not focusing on reality.

I sit and sneer at the world and the people in it, thinking negative thoughts and when I realise that I am doing that my fall is complete and Bob wins out, and with the savaging that entails, my PTSD takes over, thankfully I still use the exercises that I was taught, but this fresh assault on my senses are so ferocious I am knocked to my knees and everything else piles in. before anybody thinks this is a woe is me blog, it’s not I don’t care what anybody things I am using this simply as a line of defence, I hate feeling like this but its in my hands to resolve. I will not be beaten I will fight back, I naively thought the course of CBT I did was like a magic wand that would wave all of my issues (yeah right) away.

And then we get to a week’s holiday and with many cunning plans, all the while I was going to knock the stuffing and complete all of my wishes, all the while “Bob” is picking them off one by one, although I have done stuff over the week and thankfully my grand kids have been the saviour of my sanity this week, even though the little darlings have had their challenging moments, its been a welcome distraction as I help them to come to terms that adults don’t know everything, although my sleeping patterns have been destroyed this week, I have been able to focus on the kids instead of some of my more worrying traits, again although I received over 400 albums at the start of the week I haven’t even looked at them as opposed to play any of them, that in itself is worrying. “Bob” has been  in my waking thoughts all day everyday for the last couple of weeks and the analogy is not lost on me that that we lost our fur baby my “mind” baby has savaged me relentlessly.

My own health issues haven’t exactly helped with my third round of the same tests finally being resolved, and the Dr again trying to get me to say “no I’m fine lets just leave it at that” as has happened previously, I think I annoyed him when I said I wanted to see a specialist, who then insisted that I complete yet another test (which was negative before) before he would add me to his list, well it was negative again and I see the specialist or at least a member of his team on Christmas eve, Merry Christmas lets shove a camera up your hoop, yeah I know I hope I spoiled somebody’s breakfast! So, I have to drag my sorry arse across the finish line, I hate Christmas Eve at the best of times, yes for my own personal reasons, you can imagine how happy this one will be.

Although there seems to be blackness in my every waking moment (no I have no intention of self-harming myself) I find myself in a negative space all the while, even though I try my best for everybody else, its almost like I’m baiting “Bob” to do his worst, I don’t seem to care what damage he  inflicts upon my person, I feel as though I need the pain to punish myself for god knows what? This has been the longest period of “Darkness” I have experienced in such a long time and although I’m not beaten, I know I’m on my knees, I need to give my head a shake and I need to get back up, the only person who can do it is me, if you see me in the street please know I am  trying my best and I am literally taking it one day at a time.

The last blog was done purely as a way of venting what I was feeling, the fact the wife was suffering and I was so unable to help definitely had a knock on effect, a lot of nice comments has helped, however two individuals who relished in poking at my scabs have since been barred, another reason comments are set to private, I do read them all, however I rarely take them to heart anymore, the fact that this blog has been written deleted and rewritten over a dozen times in the last fortnight should tell you where my head is at the moment, trust me it was a lot bleaker in the first few drafts, because I have withdrawn into my own cocoon, I know it’s a self-destructive thing to do.

I had an episode out in the street yesterday that I simply couldn’t avert, and the wife thought I was simply being stroppy, I wasn’t I was dealing with the biggest cluster fuck of the last the three years, hopefully now that it has passed I can begin the steady climb to be a normal person again (whatever a normal person looks like) my cunning plans will be left in the ruins of the last month or so, I need to pull myself together one day at a time.

Not the blog I was expecting but it’s the one I need to post simply to stop myself from festering, I should have realised that my blogging has been an outlet to keep myself on an even keel so maybe just maybe I will write a little bit more, the numbers can be what they are for once I’m not bothered I’m writing this purely as a salve to help rid myself of all the bile that affects me and those in my close proximity, I intend to spend the last couple of days of my leave trying to do what normal people do, I might not interact as much as normal people do but my intentions are true, hopefully that’s a step in the right direction.

So enough waffle there is lots of music and believe me there are lots of new and old stuff to listen to, this is what it is, hopefully (and its always my intention to write a happy blog, not many people believe me but I swear I do) the next one will hopefully groove to a better place so until then, watch the skies for a new missive in the shape of a blog, keep spreading this disease, so stay safe and stay alive, until the next time……..Toodles!