The Final Frontier

The Final Frontier.

Today was the day anything that we had to do was going to have to be done today, cunning plans and the such like were put into motion and the blue touch paper had been lit! Peter was coming to town! If you have looked at the books you will notice I wear (yes that stud on the back of the books is really me) a Peter Griffin mask and my intention had been to take the mask everywhere however the disease ridden person that I was for the first five days had not been too inclined so it was make or break day, and my promotional manager (yes you guessed it E) wasn’t going to let me off the hook!

I was up and had my customary bath and we headed out onto the strip me with my Buckets t-shirt on again and Peters mask in the wife’s bag! We intended to do a little shopping nothing major just go with the flow and see where we actually end up, we dodged the Mexicans and their cards (flick off you dodgy people) the wife was still wanting to shout at them I just laughed at them and the way the wife went on. We soon came across a more friendly set of inhabitants of the strips and that was a group of ducks who were in the water features heading up the strip. We took a few pictures and got a few laughs but more than a few stares from inquisitive natives. We crossed the strip looking for somewhere to eat and we ended up in a small food court tucked away we all got our various eats while G opted for chicken wings(there’s a surprise) but when they came they weren’t cooked right and when he took them back the young person serving was just going to re-heat the bloody things that will be a no then, it wasn’t a good start but as far as I was concerned my pizza was appreciated as my tummy was at last starting to find an even keel although it was bland it stayed where it was supposed to (in my belly) we had yet another little gamble and I went into panic stations as I had no dollar bills and I was too lazy to break a bill I put a twenty dollar bill in and then the  machine went tilt(oh bugger) I wasn’t a happy bunny but the man soon turned up and gave me my bill back(thank the lord) we headed out and took some pictures and again there was much hilarity especially as G wanted things done right two go’s at everything.

After a good day we headed back to the hotel snapping pictures all the way I will admit that the mask was a ghastly nightmare as soon as it went on the heat just went through the bloody roof I couldn’t wear the bloody thing for more than ten seconds at a time but hey ho it was bloody worth it, even though I was a tad shy even I wouldn’t do some of the things that E wanted me to do (don’t go there). Back at the hotel we started to pack as the tomorrow was the day for heading home and the wife was soon stealing all of the toiletries (WHY?) we both got dressed like adults we were heading to the Pepper Mill a restaurant I had been looking forward to all week and with my stomach finally settled down I wanted food.

We headed back to the bus stop but the ticket machine stole a dollar off me, it said it didn’t like the bill and just kept it I’m glad it was only a dollar bill the robbing bastards (felt like I was back in the Robbers den) but we soon got over the hump and jumped on board the deuce but the driver was an absolute hoot the best one yet and again to describe his patter wouldn’t do it justice just take it from me it was cracking! We got a seat and jumped off at the right place thanks to the hilarious description of every stop, we headed round the corner and there was the Pepper Mill resplendent in neon and looking bloody good!

We didn’t have to wait long to get seated and the girl who served us was the best of the holiday, I opted for steak which I enjoyed but my starter was a lobster bisque soup which was the best thing I ate all the time I was in America (but it was just a tad rich watch this space!) Poor E had enough to feed a family of four (hundred) after we finished we headed into the other side of the restaurant which had a fire pit, we ordered a couple of drinks and enjoyed our blue surroundings, we had other places to go to so we said our farewells and headed (for me that should read hobbled) off to get the bus. We boarded the bus for what was to be our last bus journey of the holiday and had to endure a miserable bus driver (he must have transferred over from the north east of England) who used the recorded messages telling people where they were instead of being just a tad dramatic.

We ended up at Freemont Street which was good and had a party kind of vibe and we wandered through the crowds looking at the various stages littered up and down the street, we were hoping to see Sin City Sinners, a super group covers band who we finally found at the bottom end of the strip past the Zip wire and they were good however I was suffering from a blonde moment working out who the band were the drummer I didn’t know but he was good even when he did an impression of Rick Allen of Def Leppard by tucking his arm inside his T-Shirt the bass player was familiar it turns out he plays with LA Guns (that’s not where I knew him from) and we had Brent Muscat from Faster Pussycat  but the other guitarist although very familiar I have to admit I had to admit defeat I just couldn’t place him until the band introductions, the bass player finally struck me where I knew him from, he had been at the Brian Tichy gig the other night and E was filled lust when he hit the stage and hated me when I realised he had been sat behind us in the venue she could have had a bit more time to lust over him, the other guitarist was only Eric Dover I won’t bore you with his long list of bands but I first encountered him playing with Jellyfish and after I reminded him(it was twenty long years ago) about abusing him in Redcar he actually remembered that he didn’t know the obscure B-Side me and my mate Warren had been shouting for, at least I made a lasting impression. The band played a couple of great sets they also had a singer who spent more time n the rest room than I had for the entire holiday, the amount of singing he did was about 40% of the set, the rest of the band did the other 60%, as the night progressed the freaks arrived (there’s some everywhere) and started to do the drunk dance which from a distance was funny, between sets we headed off to an Indian (native American) shop to look at the merchandise and to watch E Glare at G in case he bought (yet) more stuff at this moment the soup decided although it liked me it didn’t like me enough to stay in my body so I scuttled off to find a restroom, I think even if I had been healthy this would have happened as the soup was so rich and I don’t normally do rich food, it wasn’t a problem I didn’t have to sprint I was able to take my time I just knew the train was coming into the station so I had better find said station hahaha!

After a little more gambling and a little drink we caught the last set of the band and then rather than try and fight our way onto a bus or even after not being able to do that we decided to jump in a taxi ahead of the crowds, now this soured the evening for me as it seemed to me he went the long way round and he was so disappointed with his miniscule tip (ya robbing bastard) we settled down for a last little drink and some more gambling before heading up to hit the hay one last time, the adventure was very nearly over and although I had enjoyed it I hoped I hadn’t been the fly in the ointment for everybody else!

Fashion

Fashion.

Oh what a surprise I slept in (again) I could only apologise to G and E my body clock is just playing tricks on me and mine, we weren’t going far just to the mall behind our hotel so I don’t think I was in the dog house for too long although the wife was accosted by a chap handing out cd’s (who then wanted some money erm no feck off!) she soon caught up with us and we were soon knee deep in hand bags and me and G were gawping at gay staff wearing scarf’s indoors, now please don’t get upset, we aren’t homophobic it’s just this guy had stolen his entire  style from G when he goes into handbag mode (what you haven’t seen G do his hand bag mode ...you lucky bastards!) we were starting to get hungry and E was disappointed with the handbag selection although the wife got one (what a surprise) so we distracted E by giving the wife the map and then lost the next three days in a Bermuda triangle style affair which only ended when me and G were able to pull us from the magnetic force field and for us to head true north (let’s just say the wife wouldn’t be an ideal partner for a shopping centre orienteering course) we headed up into the food court I wasn’t sure what to have as my stomach was getting better every day, I love the food in America I didn’t want to kill the day by overdoing it! I was tempted to have a Nathan’s hot dog again but instead opted for the Wendy’s breakfast bun which if truth be told was a bit too much for me (but I did eat it all) so again I sat a wee while and contemplated my next course of action thankfully it was to press on and go shopping (woo hoo).

We wandered far and wide and I must have been feeling well as I went into shopping centre mode taking a few snaps for a project back at work which got everybody’s interest (result) we dabbled in a little bit of this and that and G looked at lenses and stuff and while G was strutting his stuff he came across Neo who G knew straight away as he is down with his rap stars, E was well impressed until he admitted over hearing who it was, everybody disappeared into the Levi’s shop (I’m too fat at the moment to spend money on expensive jeans but it’s what I’m aiming for) and after a short period of time E came and got me as the wife wanted an opinion (me wanted in 34 countries by the fashion police and she wants my advice yeah right) at this point I realised I should have gone in the shop straightaway as G had been running amok and the staff thought The Tee Hee Club were/are mental and it would be fun to party with (her words not ours what can I say our reputation is worldwide) at this point the wife went into E T mode and had to phone home and G without Kes his homing kestrel but with superior map reading skills soon found her one, crisis averted we headed back to Treasure Island.

While we got sorted G wanted some batteries for the flash that he had bought he just shook his head when I produced a pack of twelve (admittedly Kodak ones that are cack but I do like to be prepared) and while G flashed the early evening away in camera mode we closed the door on the profanities and violence and for the first day of the holiday we went into money mode (normally I’m worried in the airport getting there) we had a budget and we were on course (unbelievable with our reputation) so we were happy I wanted to get some spare cash out on my card (just to be on the safe side) and we managed to do that but the card was funny from there on in and I was in major stressed mode that we had over spent and potentially might not be able to pay the hotel bill(sneaky tax I mean) at the end of the week(actually when we got home and the bill turned up we had spent about half of what we were expecting to so I have no idea what the problem was (the bunch of tw@ts..... continued at rant.com)Problem solved we relaxed and headed out  to the Hard Rock Cafe thankfully there was no Con Air so we didn’t have to worry about any low flying traffic, we got in and it was nice I have to admit I was more interested in the memorabilia (and I seriously do doubt if Vince Neil ever got into the pants that they claim belonged to him) it was at this point once I started to gamble that I realised drinking and gambling shouldn’t go hand in hand as I was sloppy (but I won)  thankfully we didn’t stay long as in the mood I was in potentially I could have lost $4 instead of my usual $3 hahaha.

We marshalled our forces and jumped into a Taxi and headed out to the Crown and Anchor an English themed pub a short ride away (although on a previous holiday G had walked it nutter) we sat and ordered although G did ask if the waitress had ever seen a chicken with fingers as he ordered cue blank stare and nervous laugh “you guys are English then” oh yes we are how did she guess, we did  assure her  that G was safe and we received Brown ale on draught (yuk) but we had to fly the flag, the food was lovely I was finally getting my sea legs so to speak for the food but the brown ale would haunt me for the rest of the evening (not that I minded) and after the meal I was stuffed for the first time since getting to America damn it, we stepped outside and enjoyed a lovely clear night sky and as we waited for our cab back to the hotel one guy came out as he was heading home and he recognised our accents and we had a short but pleasant chat about our pleasant and green land, then the taxi pulled in and set off only to have to endure Mr. Misery as a driver and we were glad to get out at the other end we headed  upstairs we had a busy day tomorrow it was our last full day and we had an awful lot to do and it was going to be the day that “Peter” finally arrived on the strip! watch out Vegas Peter is coming to town and he’s bringing his Buckets T-shirt with him this could only get messy, I had a lot of catching up to do! but we were prepared and loaded for bear we didn’t care if we brought the whole damn town crashing down around our ears!

Kicking Up Dust

Kicking up dust.

Well I’m probably as fit as I’m going to be, I’ve had just over 260 minutes of sleep and I’m sat here hot to trot (I do believe I have some catching up to do) waiting for the world (well ok just The Tee Hee Club then) to get up and crack on. I’m sat at the window twenty five floors up watching the traffic flow and down the strip ooh I’m all excited I do believe the holiday (for me at least starts right here right now). I’m sat once again waiting for the man in the red Santa suit (no not SMOR) to pop down the chimney I intend to fill myself full of painkillers (always a good plan) and damn the consequences. The wife woke up and was happy to see me up and about and we stood watched the best sunrise I have ever seen this was a great omen I was happy and I liked it!

The sun itself rose so fast I thought I was in a vampire film but as it rose so did my emotions and I now understand why in the old days some people allegedly worshiped the sun as a god my heart was full as was I of drugs hahaha! We headed out and jumped on the monorail (the monorail...oops sorry my favourite Simpsons episode) we headed to the MGM Grand which as a hotel was OK and the rest rooms were a 5 out of 10, we ended up on the CSI experience (which the wife had wanted to do since ooooh 2009) we all did it as a little team which was just as well because the wife would have more competitive then the Russians at the height of the cold war! To say that she had a great time was an understatement we bought a few goodies as the youngest is just as obsessed as the wife is with all things CSI related. We moved on after a look at the shops and we were going to do the buffet for breakfast but for some reason (I will admit I wasn’t paying my full attention) it was a no go so headed to the Rainforest cafe where we were dealt with the surliest members of staff we encountered on the holiday (hence the smallest tip) G was getting ready to go atomic as we were directly in the path of a photographic display and when people were about to take a picture G went into spaz mode with his weird eye movement, I would love to see the peoples reaction when they see the table of people from the sunshine club in the background hahaha he was right though it couldn’t have busier if they had stuck us in the middle of the road on the strip! I should have had a fit then I could have sued them for the camera flash’s going off at this moment my stomach was still fragile so I didn’t overload it (I had the shrimp if you’re interested you’re not oh dear tough shit then!)But again it tasted bland and I didn’t really enjoy it the atmosphere soured it a tad but G went back into Kes mode (see previous chapters) so that got the juices flowing and we were a happy band yet again.

At this particular junction there was much talking about fajita’s, cheese and snorting and swooping was most definitely the order of the day (I suppose you had to be there not that I want to spill the beans but ladies honestly) we headed out and at this point I needed some new trainers I had gone with a pair of Asda special (cheap shite) and I didn’t want them to hinder the progress of the rest of the holiday the first shop I went into they might as well said “feck off” as they were very helpful it was like being back at work, fine I will take my English dollars with me you ungrateful whelps! As we wandered further we found a sports bar where we watched the last twenty minutes of the Newcastle vs. Arsenal match (which we jinxed) where we had a quick drink and G even managed to have his first (medicinal) shot of Jagermeister of the holiday! The match ended badly (boo hoo) and the prices weren’t the cheapest of the holiday either (double boo hoo) we left beaten but not distraught and as we rounded the corner we discovered a Footlocker where the guy got the quickest sale of his career and a free pair of Asda trainers! We did a few more casinos (and restrooms thankfully in an upright position) we decided to go off on a jolly jaunt to Cowtown Boots which although it had moved from its original location we thought (wrongly) that it was closer than it actually was, but we soldiered on and although at the first point of asking for directions (she wasn’t that nice was she Grrr) we were lied to and we headed back on that dusty road through derelict town and I regretted almost instantly that I hadn’t kept my old trainers as although the new ones were fantastic I’m used to cheap and nasty ones these should have been broken in and I had already skinned my heels and was running out of painkillers (and I couldn’t see any friendly drug dealers kicking up dust) for my knees we ventured on another 3000 miles (ok a slight exaggeration but only just) where the ladies yet again took the bull by the horns and asked at a Holiday Inn for directions and not only were we headed in the right direction the lady there told us to jump in to their minivan and she took us all the way there which was about a mile further down the road(now that’s what I call service and we weren’t even guests ha-ha only in America) now Cowtown boots was great and to be honest if I had been in a better frame of mind I probably would have spent some money, although the wife did get a lovely pair of boots and I was tempted to buy a cowboy hat (the original twat in a hat) but I didn’t as I have a head shaped like a peanut and I’m not sure how to get a hat that will actually fit, as they all perch on the top of my noggin!

After our spree we headed out back and jumped in a taxi that took us all the way back to the hotel I have to admit to being a tad nervous as the driver was struggling with the controls as though he was wrestling an alligator the others didn’t notice as they were in the back playing with the TV yes that’s right the TV! We chilled awhile then headed back downstairs to do a bit of gambling (well it would be rude not to) and a little drinking (it would be really rude not to)so we stayed close to home and roamed the floor looking for one cent machines(the last of the big gamblers we are !) like a herd of deer out on the Serengeti, and after a few hours doing this I wondered if anybody else was hungry and fancied something to eat, it was there that our problems really started as we could order any pizza at the hotels pizzeria long story short in the city that never sleeps on a Monday night he hotel pizzeria wanted to close at midnight let’s just say we took the pip and took our custom elsewhere but we couldn’t decide where  , we wandered up the strip and found it was the same at the next casino I don’t remember which I was hungry full of drink and in pain on the way back they wouldn’t hold the tram for me so I just get on walking I really did think I was back in Newcastle , we headed off to Walgreens got a couple of sandwiches and went to bed where I believe the other half of the team gambled a bit more and then G got his nuts stuck in a machine another long story which isn’t really suitable for the younger reader!

Fight the good fight!

Fight the good fight!

So we arose (and I wasn’t the last fecker up) and my tummy seemed (fingers crossed) fragile but better so we gathered the troops and headed out once more to catch a bus and head in the opposite direction to where we went yesterday. We had all slept well (apart from E who had spent the best part of the night looking for Kestrel eggs) and we were heading to the Stratosphere at the other end of the strip and the bus was busy with locals at this time of the day and not tourists, we ended up on the top deck and we got separated, so instead of chatting to my compatriots I people watched and listened to the local Patois! There was a couple of girls laughing and saying how it had kicked off at a house party the night before and some girl had brought a knife and was going to stab somebody but couldn’t find the person she wanted to stab and these girls didn’t know why she wanted to stab this other person so they were going to ask her at church today (WTF)! I also listened to the youth (about 15-16 I would say) sat next to me who was even at this time of the morning using all the tricks in his not inconsiderable arsenal to get in his girlfriends pants (boy have I led a sheltered life) the wife had to shout at me twice (well I am deaf you know) as we arrived at our destination.

I have to admit that the Stratosphere end of the strip was a little like home (sad and rundown) but we had a job to do and we were going to do it(gamble that is) we had a wander and it was ok and I didn’t feel the need to visit the rest rooms at all (result) we headed back out onto the strip again for a late breakfast early lunch and we ended up at IHOP which made the wife happy mind you the family (army) of Mexicans who demolished their table thankfully left because I think that E (with all mothering oops sorry I mean smothering instinct) was about to go out and buy a bat to settle their hash the noisy little blighters! (Cue much hissing!) at this point I was hungry and didn’t care I wanted a Philly cheese steak sandwich and was going to have one whatever the cost (at that moment in time I didn’t realise that I didn’t have my medication with me brave or stupid you decide?) but we ate and lived to tell the tale although I was a good boy and waited to make sure I wasn’t going to explode(which thankfully I didn’t) although I did try the rest room although at this point in time for the first time standing in this holiday!

We strolled in the heat back up the way we came and we found a small block of shops and a great off licence although we were good and didn’t buy anything, we had a bit more of a gamble (at Circus Circus I believe) and then wandered off up the road where we ended up at the Riviera which when we got in looked like a working men’s club on a Tuesday  afternoon (empty and desolate) I nearly got knocked on my ass by the bloody tumbleweeds and it really was sorry to see what was once a great hotel in a bad way( when I got home I googled it and the hotel is in administration  owing over $250 million mainly due to the collapse of the building industry as all the hotels around where pulled down with new ones to be built and they never were so consequently the pedestrian traffic has virtually dried up) we did a little gambling had a drink and moved on we ended up at the Wyn next and golly gosh jeepers this was wonderful they even had a huge singing frog in one of the restaurants  for the rich people we just stayed at the windows and gazed in again I googled the hotel and it is one of the top three hotels in the WORLD and I can believe it.

It was at this point I wandered off by myself and got a bit teary as I thought about my mum, I hadn’t meant to and if you have read the stuff I write I don’t normally do emotion (I blame the wife me for trying to get me to open up and be all touchy feely bleurgh)I was looking in the shop windows (one thing I did notice purely because I work primarily in the retail business how empty the shops were some staff and if you were lucky one bloody customer and this was in all of Las Vegas) and in amongst all this splendour was a shop selling Oscar de la Renta clothes and I just wished my mum could have been there again if you have read some of my earlier stuff my mum had it hard and again didn’t want for anything but she would have loved being here and the one thing she ever said that she wanted was a dress by Oscar de la Renta(which she never got and here was me standing outside one of his bloody shops), I just felt like I had been punched in the (already sore) stomach, when the wife caught up to me and saw being weepy I think she was more shocked than I was, it was over as soon as it had started but it caught me completely by surprise. But it was nice to have such good memories of her all we needed would be to have had the song Danny Boy play in the back ground and I would have been sprinting up the bloody strip!

As we wandered around and back towards the hotel a lot of people were actually staring (and why not) at my Buckets t-shirt one guy even fell off the kerb while trying to read it and not watching where he was going hey mister watch out that’s how accidents happen hahaha! E reckons that I should charge the buckets for all the free advertising (have a word with my business manager guys) although in all honesty I’m probably too much of a hippy to be that interested in materialistic thing (as I get beaten about the head and shoulders by my new business manager E) but in the city of t-shirts with many weird and wonderful slogans my buckets t-shirt is standing head and shoulders above them all, me and E might just call back to the Bellagio to see if we could get the Buckets a residency!

As the day was coming to a close and I had been such a good boy with regards my stomach and the requirement for rest rooms I split from the herd while they wanted to actually see the pirate show from outside the hotel as opposed to watching it at a height within our rooms, my knees had kicked in although if I’m honest (I’m telling you if I was a pet I would have put down about four years ago) they were sore from the get go but my Klack Valve issues had taken precedent, I went to the room while the wife went off in search of a sandwich but when she arrived back wind (not mine) had caused the cancellation of the noisy bloody pirates so we kicked back and chilled (and I wrote some notes for the day) and got ready for the next day of mystery and mayhem!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel so low.

It’s at this point I (really) hate myself I feel as though I’m spoiling the holiday for everybody! I’m physically drained and have never felt so tired in all my bloody life, I have an arse that feels as though it’s been crossed with a baboon’s and fecking blood orange (too much? ..... sorry I feel like I can share hahahaha) My chest feels like I stepped into the ring with a certain Mr. Tyson and he played with my rib cage for 14 rounds then blew me down with a feather (at this point any fecker could) and then just to be sure I was given a hug off the hulk (ouch) I think the best thing at this point would be for me really just for me to get my coat (taxi for Me).

I know I have worked so hard for this holiday and me and the wife sold our souls so we could actually come and have some fun and I’m being all melodramatic and needy! The only thing I feel that I have contributed so far to the holiday is “FUCK ALL” and boy I feel so low I could crawl under a snakes belly with a top hat on (yes G a racing snakes belly).

I’m starving and I can’t eat anything, well I could but my stomach rejects it like an organ that hasn’t been sown in properly (don’t go there), I’m hoping that everybody is having a much better time and not saying “let’s just bury him out in the desert” behind my back, actually the wife could join the air force she is flying so bloody high and I know some of it is pure happiness mixed with a just a smidgen of caffeine. I am trying but if I’m honest if this was a horror film I would be the first one dead (or the actual killer being devious) or in a Star Trek episode I would be wearing the red top of the security detail (in other words dead as a fecking dodo) I really do feel as though I’m slowing everybody down and the raptors are going to pop out of the undergrowth and pick me off!

What is really killing me is that I’m the first one to bed and last one up its like the wife has date raped me (ha I wish) I wasn’t even awake as we left the hotel this morning, thankfully some people needed some of that black motivator stuff yeah that’s right coffee, so I managed to gather my (what few I had left) wits about me. We had decided to travel to the far end of the strip by bus. Now we Brits are used to public transport but some Yanks just aren’t (the ones with money) we don’t know how the Americans travel but we worked it out in the two steps it  takes to get on the bus from the pavement so we grabbed a place but  G and E still had their coffee so elected to wait until the next one, but the people who got on after us with a huge wedge of money didn’t understand a word of what was being said and judging by the accent they were from the same state as the bus driver  it just didn’t compute he had to say it twice and the couple looked at him as though he was describing how to build a nuclear reactor, finally some nice person (who had lost the will to live) pushed past and they saw how if the monkey did a certain thing they got a reward in their case a bloody bus ticket, so we travelled and enjoyed the jaunt and listened to the driver (he could teach the bus drivers back home a thing or two) he wasn’t particularly funny or anything just describing the route in a “good ole boy” accent and he kept saying (because the bus service was called the deuce) “rolling the deuce” everytime he pulled away from a stop. We jumped off at the last stop and waited (and waited) for G and E to turn up Americans aren’t really big on time tables (they don’t have the buggers) at one point a gardener turned up doing his bits and pieces with tonnes of shrubbery on the back of his little van we half expected our friends to be hanging on the back, we waited probably about twenty minutes and it was nice just to sit and chat, but my body by this time had woke up and was thinking how it could exact revenge, once we were a group again we went (in my case ran) towards Mandalay bay which was lovely (and definitely had the best restrooms of the holiday) the guy in the stall next to me wanted to know if I needed a doctor or the police because somebody had died in my stall! I thanked him for his concern but I had no organs to sell for to see a Dr in his country as I knew they would want to do a battery of tests for something that would get better on its own! Problem solved the wife handed me a bottle of water (which was drank in two gulps) and we headed to start the day properly (with a bit of gambling).

We now had a cunning plan and had a look around and then headed to the Luxor (I have no intention of reviewing every hotel we went into,( buy a rough guide book you cheap bastard!) where we decided to have a late breakfast early lunch, we had a look around the food court and me and the wife headed to Nathan’s for hotdogs and fries which were lovely and I kept mine inside my body for a grand total of three minutes, the restrooms in the Luxor are quite nice as well hahaha (this was really starting to drag me down) before we did some gambling this time I wanted cheering up and decided to buy myself a coat I had spotted something in a Harley Davison shop the day before and low and behold there was another one and because I was so low I wanted to do some “retail therapy” to cheer me up (me with my reputation) as it happens I had just about talked myself out of it when the chap said it’s reversible camouflage outside (at the moment) and black with the Harley logo on the inside “sod it” I was having it I don’t think I spent this much on clothes all of last year combined, I just wanted something nice I was in touch with my feminine side, while paying for it I needed my passport and the wife had buggered off and the girl said “what is she wearing and I will see if we can find her” I didn’t have a bloody clue my mind like my bowels were completely empty thankfully the wife wandered back into view just as the girl asked “do you want to wear the coat or have it wrapped” WTF it was 75 degrees outside do I want to wear it I politely said “no”  and our little merry band moved on and yes it did indeed cheer me up!

It was at this moment that I realised that there were indeed a lot of people wandering around in what we would consider winter clothing including scarf’s (dear lord) we are in Las Vegas people this place gets around eleven days of rain a years (I’m surprised we didn’t get seven of the bloody things) we had a bit more of a look around and just a little bit more gambling, but as we headed up the strip we called into a chemist for much needed supplies (finally the turning point of the holiday as at this point I stopped needing the medication but we had a barrel load on hand just in case) on the way past we stopped to have a look at the fountains at the Bellagio (sorry girls no George Clooney or Arm Pitt) and I had to chuckle as two men working in the pool in a rubber dingy came past waving to everybody as though they were stars (it’s like me running around at work with a fire extinguisher at work and expecting people to clap me ....Feck off losers) the display was lovely and afterwards we had a look inside and although it’s one of the more high end hotels the people with money are just as big a bunch of slobs as us common people, with them putting their feet up on the furniture at this point I just wanted to slap them (see I was starting to feel better) and the house keeping was decidedly sloppy as all of the skirting boards needed dusting hahaha!

We headed back on up the strip stopping again for food at this point I was past caring I was full of bravery (and Imodium) we still headed up the hill although I was Ok as I now knew the location of every restroom in a five mile radius, we made it back to the room with no further issues (hopefully) this was a good sign. It was at this point the wife became Tits McGee as I noticed she was hiding money in her bra (odd woman) we got ready as we were heading out to a club called Vamp’d where Brian Tichy’s band were playing and we had been added to the guest list (how good is that I can’t even do that in my hometown without the aid of SMOR) we jumped into a taxi and I have to admit I was a tad concerned as we were heading to a place that was basically a trading estate, but we were feeling brave we even had an opinion on American politics (the guy could have had a gun hahaha) the night took a strange turn as we got out of the taxi at the venue and the first thing we saw was a sign stating “No colours and no firearms” WTF it’s not the Wouldy then?

The club was small and compact and as always put English clubs to shame great sound system and doesn’t stink of urine and hey they don’t rob you like the fecking robbers den! We chilled and sat outside and we all people watched although if G had had a Swiss army knife he might have fixed the heaters for the staff hahaha we watched people pulling in on bikes it had a nice vibe and I spotted somebody in the back ground who I thought I knew but I didn’t but he does pop up in a later chapter (in a good way). The wife spotted someone who she thought was famous but we didn’t believe her (oh boy were we wrong) and then the band came on and I enjoyed them in a Led Zeppelin kind of way and Sass Jordan (look her up) is still as good a singer as she was twenty five years ago! It was at this point we realised that we should have brought some extra batteries (D’oh!) for the camera, so we shut it down to save what we needed and the wife used her phone, the show over we headed back stage to say thank you and to say goodbye (which was meant to be a quick goodbye) but we got into conversations and the wife was right and we were indeed introduced to Jake E Lee guitarist with Ozzy Osbourne back in the eighties, and he was fascinated by my Buckets t-shirt (as he should have been) we even got him to look them up on his I Phone on you tube, and when he asked the history of the band I was amazed he knew who Hellanbach were.

Again I didn’t want to be rude to Mr. Tichy for getting us in but we also had left our friends (who although thought the gig ok weren’t bothered about meeting more rock stars) I finally dragged her out as we again said farewell and thank you! Thankfully G and E were OK and said we needn’t apologise (but we is nice people hahaha) we sat and waited for our Taxi on the way back the more attentive of us (not me) noticed the time was off (the clocks had gone forward) we got in our rooms and said goodnight only to hear knocking at the adjoining doors which was G confirming that the feckers had indeed stolen an hour of our holiday he actually was ranting and calling them all “dirty Mackums” it was at this point G found Three Kestrel eggs (see previous chapter) and he was overjoyed E wasn’t (ok so they were three blue speckled jelly beans) but we did have just a little drinkie poos we again said our goodnights leaving E to deal with G in full flow saying that he was going to “take care” and hatch the eggs it was only the next morning we found out that E had virtually stripped the bed looking for the offending ”eggs” so not to roll over and squash one (hahaha) only to be told by G that after all her hard work they were safe and sound inside his belly, damn I wish I had been a fly on the wall in their room that night, but plans had been made and I was back in the land of nod but the corner had been turned and although I was still ill and was even when I went back to work (I think that’s what the cold sweats were) it was time for The Tee Hee Club to show what we were made of bring it on ......oh Yeah!

Caffeine Bomb

Caffeine Bomb.

I awoke a stranger in a strange land and for just a second I really didn’t have a clue where the hell I was and then everything swung back into focus and yes I still felt like hammered shite but there was something strange floating in the room and although for just a second I thought I was in a Harry Potter movie with Voldemort floating over me, when in reality it was the wife fussing about (this didn’t feel good) she was wired like a speed freak looking for a fix she had barely slept and had taken it upon herself to go for a wander about Las Vegas by herself and had decide to call into Starbucks for a coffee (oh shit) she had wanted to get a phone card so she could phone home,(E T) but even in my state I could see she was heading towards the stratosphere (and I’m not talking about the bloody hotel) what with me being poorly and the Kraken out of sorts this wasn’t the start we were hoping for!

Now the wife is the tech person in our house I struggle with pen and paper (you don’t say) and everytime we had been in the states she knows what she is doing with phone cards and the like, so it didn’t look good when she was cursing at the woman on the phone who was giving instructions in Spanish (oops!) thankfully it was an automated system otherwise the thought of local law enforcement kicking in the door to take out the mad woman was not a pleasing one. She finally decided to go another route but not before heading down to reception to see if they could help but we did get the internet sorted out (for free as well take note UK Hotels ya bunch of robbing....continued at rant.com).

Then we were conversing with the youngest via farcebook it wasn’t the best solution but it was better than nothing, and we even tried to sort out the video conferencing thingy majig .....Nope that wasn’t going to do it and neither did Skype well ok maybe the wife is the tech person of the family when she isn’t flying at 70000 feet! The whole up shot was that technology sucks and for once it wasn’t me that was at fault (well maybe I was but with being ill I took no bloody notice) we heard a knock at the adjoining room door as the other half of the team where hot to trot off for breakfast (please let me be able to eat something) we had a cunning plan and we headed back out onto the strip trying not very successfully to keep the wife away from those pesky Mexicans who seemed as if they had been there all bloody night!

We had decided upon Hash Hash a go go which sounded great and we took our time to amble up the strip looking at the local sights in daylight it was much easier to take it in that and the eight hours sleep I had had. On the way up I went into people watching mode and was amazed at the amount of tattoo’s and of how many were either of a religious significance or they had the bloody tree of life on their arms this was going to be a tad interesting, upon arrival the queue was out the door and we booked a table and were told to come back in twenty or so minutes so we headed back downstairs to have a little flutter which was to begin with a little surreal at no times did the casino’s actually have any down time at no point did they ever appear to have a lull there was always a multitude of people feeding the machines not that we minded because we intended to join them on a regular basis over the next seven days!

We headed back to the restaurant where Mark our server showed us to our tables it was as we were being led to our table that I noticed that the portions were of a gargantuan size (oh shit)  it was at this point that E mentioned that the place had been on the TV programme Man Vs. Food (double oh shit) so we looked interested and again I wanted to partake as this is what I love about America so I looked blankly at the menu not being able to focus at all and finally when it was my turn to choose I just blindly picked that please (pork and mash) when in reality what I should have done is just had a side of bacon and eggs, my mind was in shutdown mode and my guts were about to go on strike, the food turned up and I went into immediate shock  I didn’t stand a cat in hells chance and I knew before I pulled my sharp knife like Excalibur from the half a pig on my plate, everybody knew I was struggling just to sit in the bloody restaurant but I manned up and attempted to digest it (fool) I probably managed about eight mouthfuls (my biggest regret of the holiday food wise because it was lovely) it was smothered in a sauce that was so rich I knew that if ate any of it I might as well just scrap my plate down the toilet , what I had was lovely but it was way too early in the holiday for me to even think about attempting such a feast I was saying as many prayers as possible to as many gods that I could think of for this not to be the shape of things to come!

Everybody finished theirs including the wife and her biggest pancake in the world with a cup of strong coffee to follow……and it did follow well actually more like lead the charge! actually that’s not strictly true G under strict orders from E had to attempt the half of Ostrich that E couldn’t finish, which he did bless his cotton little socks. We then attacked the nearest casinos in our game plan and slowly had a pleasant day with a small flutter here and there, we eventually headed back to regroup and replan (and for me to rest my weary bones) when those bloody pirates and there shenanigans kicked off again we were ready this time although I had headed back to the tub for another long soak to rest my knees and my ribs that were suffering from all the puking on the plane. After a short respite we gathered our reserves it was at this moment G revealed he had the body of a racing snake to say we were all stunned was an understatement. Once we had all recovered from that little outburst and headed back to more casinos than you could shake a stick at, by this time I was really hungry so we split our forces and while the seasoned gamblers went off one way we decided to go with the safest food known to humans (McDonalds) and although I enjoyed the meal it didn’t stay inside me long but at least I had managed to eat the bloody thing ( I felt as though I was being sponsored by Imodium) the others turned up to recue us and we enjoyed an evening of gambling and me dutifully knowing how to plot a course to any restroom that was in the buildings we were in!

The evening progressed and I was a good boy I didn’t drink anything other than water (damn and blast) but G was doing what I had wished to be doing, having a blast and only getting told off every three minutes instead of every other minute he soon had a jug of beer (it comes in jugs!....no really don’t go there) and we ended up as far as we wanted to the wife was starting to growl at the exotic (that means bored) dancers so we steered a course to some Bandits and set her away and although we never won big we usually covered our outgoings and we ambled through the casino ending up by a Chinese restaurant and E had won big so we weren’t going anywhere until she had lost it all (ever the optimist) at this point the world got surreal and moved sideways G headed off to the restroom and while stood at the cubicle doing what chaps do an American asked him if he had  had a great day now unfortunately that’s not what G heard he thought the guy had said “Craig David” (WTF) to which G replied with his arm held aloft “aye kes is a canny bird c’mon” now I’m not sure that many Americans know who the hell the character Bo Selecta is but G came back in stitches  and when he told us I thought I was going to have a bloody stroke E was going to use G’s jug to refill but not with beer and the wife was also in hysterics! now written down its simply not as hilarious but ask G when he’s had a drink to re run through the story where he does all the actions and you will literally laugh your socks off , we finally regained some composure when from the restaurant there came a bellow “Reservation for G table for one” E couldn’t lose the money quick enough we had to get the hell out of dodge and quickly we made our way back down the strip dodging all the Mexicans and there dodgy cards I was amazed how much like Blackpool this place is but if I was honest I know exactly which one I would rather visit. We got back in one piece and with cunning plans in our heads we all headed off to hit the hay, although the day had stated poorly (for me at least) we were getting our sea legs so to speak as Ozzy Osbourne always says “let the madness begin” we intend to do our best to fulfil our obligations to the contract hahahaha.

The return of Mr Creosote!

The Return of Mr. Creosote!

The hotel was well and truly silent when we woke from deep slumbers, the wife looked better but my sleep had been disturbed by dreams of work related items with everybody singing Bruno Mars songs instead of talking (WTF) I felt that I was fighting off the unwanted advances of the bloody Jalapeño from yesterday (in reality it had bugger all to do with the bloody pepper but the wife’s walking dead disease) there was something quite not right with me (go figure) and I couldn’t quite put my finger on the disease of the day. I sat around like an expectant father waiting for his first born everything packed and hot to trot for the main event.

We arrived quite quickly and got checked in quite painlessly our bags were well within the weight limits, I still had a rumbly in my tummy I was putting it down to excitement, but it was starting to nag and get louder and louder (maybe I’m just hungry we still hadn’t had our first breakfast’s filthy little hobbits) we go through the security point and I’m the only one not asked to remove my shoes (maybe the reputation of my feet go before me like a pungent odour hahaha) maybe I just look trustworthy (no comments please). We got through and then received a phone call from the youngest that the Kraken had indeed gone down with galloping gut rot and a doctor was required (it turns out that it was gastric flu, it’s not infectious is it?) I wandered into WHSmiths and bought a music related magazine and came out to see the wife looking worried but determined the youngest was stepping up to the plate (bless her cotton little socks) and we wandered through several shops looking at items (me and the wife had no intention of buying) but I was hungry as was everybody else we dodged a man with a strange moustache who was trying to sell us a raffle ticket for an Aston Martin (yeah right of course it’s not fixed)  E had a fit because G was being a tad flitty but we all calmed down and headed for Burger King (yum yum) where I let the wife decide what was required so we didn’t have a repeat of The rail station when we went to see Motley Crue, it turned up and although it was devoured I still felt decidedly off, now with being cack for the last 10 months or so I wasn’t intending to spoil the flight/holiday if I could help it (guess what yeah your right I couldn’t) we headed back to the shops just to waste some time and as we headed to the gate  the wife decided to ask some passing policemen if their weapons were heavy (don’t ask) we had been at the gate for about two minutes when all of a sudden there was a security alert and yes you guessed it the whole world went into total spaz mode now I have to admit it was the least organised evacuation drill I have ever seen with staff who didn’t know what they were doing with no direction or instruction, staff asking other staff what the hell was going on let’s just say if they were my staff I would be ripping through them like a headless horseman with a bloody big sword chopping at the idiots who actually were fighting because they didn’t know what the hell they were supposed to be doing. On a scale of one to ten they would get absolutely nothing well ok maybe about another 12 drills until they got it right, because on that viewing the staff at Manchester airport are Shite! mind you that is only my professional opinion, I was tempted to write to them and say how bad it was but I’m sure they didn’t want to hear my constructive criticism, we were then allowed back to the gate only to be told that the alert wasn’t over and they moved us on again only to be sent back for the third time (Grrr!).

At this moment in time I really did need the little boy’s room and as I rushed there the feeling disappeared just as fast as it had come. I washed to make myself a little fresher and I did indeed feel a whole lot better, false alarm over we headed to Boots the Chemists to get some supplies I was a tad nervous even though I felt that much better I had a nagging feeling dripping seeds of doubt into my head! Back at the gate we sat and waited and then from out of nowhere it hit me like a bucket of water being thrown over me and I was as sick as a dog that’s just ate a five day old dead rat, the wife was concerned I was so crappy I didn’t want to be touched (warning it’s going to get a tad graphic in a bit) I decided to head back to the ablutions and I got there just in time as whatever was inside me decided to erupt like a bloody volcano, and I just got in position and sat when what seemed like every drop of fluid had passed through me, like Harry Potter had waved a magic wand I felt like a million dollars after the eruption so I did all the right things I even washed my hands twice (I didn’t want to give anybody what I had) but thankfully I had colour back in my cheeks I guzzled a bottle of water so I had at least some fluids in me then and we finally boarded and got our seats we were finally on our way nothing could go wrong now (SHUT THE FECK YOU BLOODY MUPPET!!!).

About an hour in and I’m sat watching the little pirates island on the onboard flight map on the screen I had no intention of watching any films I intend to go over my notes and see if I could get a rough semblance of order for the chapters that I hadn’t wrote, the crew came round with our complimentary drinks(lemonade for me please and some funny looks from G), we settled back as they brought the in flight meal (bangers and mash lovely I could eat a scabby horse) and after three tiny bites (I was being extremely careful) I realised I wasn’t better at all and if I ate anymore I would suffer big style (too late) I put the meal to one side and after it was collected in I headed for the smallest room on the plane for round two but this time I erupted from both ends with a lot more force than the original attack it was back with a vengeance and this time it intended not to take any prisoners. After about half an hour mainly cleaning the bathroom I couldn’t leave it for anybody else to tidy up and a small episode three I staggered back to my seat as though Mike Tyson had been having a work out on my ribs and let’s not just go anywhere near the pain in my lower regions, I did feel better but now all I wanted to do was sleep and that’s exactly what I did with the wife taking very good care of me for the rest of the journey even though I had another episode about an hour later my tee hee club t-shirt looked like I had been using it as a dish cloth in a fast food restaurant! I was a tad unhappy at this point (the curse of the Kraken had hit me hard), I then slept for the next three and a half hours but in reality all I wanted to do was lie down and stretch out (but I was realistic and knew this was never going to happen).

So I soldiered on I didn’t really care this was my first proper holiday in five years and as I said death was really only going to be the thing to stop this bloody holiday, thankfully the Tee Hee club are like the Marines they don’t leave anybody behind! I love America I love the People (even the fecking rednecks) I love the culture and I have always loved a lot of American music; my only concern was to get through customs. Customs wasn’t as bad as I had expected even though I was wearing puke splattered clothing those wonderful people still let me in it actually only took about an hour, they let me through only to punish me with the Disco King for a taxi driver. We arrived outside into a lovely warm (winter for them ) breeze and we soon found a taxi that would take us all and our bags and as I melted into the back of the cab the driver decided to play ABBA and the bloody Bee Gees at full tilt I nearly strangled the tosser with his own seat belt (actually I was feeling a tad frazzled he was canny enough but I just wanted to have a bath and climb into bed) we turned up at the hotel (Treasure Island) booked in and I signed something actually it could have been the deeds of the house I have no idea at all just let me get to my room, the nice lady with the assistance of the others got us a lovely room with a view of the strip with adjoining rooms (do they not know who the hell we are hahahaha) as soon as I was in I ran a lovely deep bath and washed all the funk off me and although I still felt like shite, I felt a million times better than I had on the plane, I crawled onto the bloody big soft bed and was just dozing off when a bloody boat load of pirates rocked up outside our room and kicked some serious amounts of ass with more ordinance than a bloody Kiss concert!

Feeling better and a little bit better that the adventure was upon us and I had to up my game so not to spoil (anymore than I had already) the holiday we were all hungry so we headed out onto the strip and within minutes I was trying to stop the wife from killing 90% of the Mexican population of Las Vegas who were flicking and trying to palm off cards showing “Nice Ladies”  I wasn’t interested in anything at all at that moment in time I was hungry and I was tired, to be brutally honest it was a visual overload for this tired little camper and we ended up in Denny’s for a meal, now Denny’s is cheap and cheerful it does what it says on the box and I was grateful of having something in my stomach and thankfully it didn’t wish to escape! We had a short jaunt but the others took pity on me and we headed back to our rooms where I climbed in as quickly as possible and was asleep before the wife could ask me if I was OK ZZZZZZZZZZ!