Kiss like Judas

Ok so I can never remember what I have written or not in previous blogs (from the other site) but a question I keep getting asked is how if I can't sing or play did I ever get involved in music? well that's dead easy, I just hung on in like gunga din, I hung around musicians, people who were very technically proficient at playing instruments, but in the writing department they couldn't string two words together! I was cheap, I was available most of the time and I worked sometimes freakishly quick, it was a great time I was young and dumb ....lets just not go there, I loved it, silly hours, silly goings on lots of travel and lots of gigs I loved it, one of my usual co writers got me a small deal with a small collective which actually got me published at the age of 15, which helped!

I was soon brought to the attention of another small publishing company (small but very professional) and I soon had a deal to produce 32 pieces of original work, not much but with my skill set, work was few and far between, thankfully my friends kept throwing me a bone here and there and I soon had a good reputation for my work ethic I would turn up on time I would work hard and I wouldn't make (too many) waves, now it wasn't always plain sailing and sometimes it was more than cross words and I soon found out who I liked working with and who I didn't, one of my mates once commented that I could spot a cock at 900 paces, I really do hope he was being complimentary.

The biggest pain was getting a credit, fine with my mates but other (ahem) artists were generally out for themselves, that was the name of the game I don't blame them if I had been in a stronger position I would have done exactly the same, I wasn't too pushy and I was really young to be doing the line of work I was in, I never worked with A list stars hell I probably managed a few Z list performers, but I enjoyed the work and at the time it was like taking candy from a baby, I soon realised I could  do re writes like a demon and although I never got a credit I got paid better, so my publisher got a bigger cut £600 in the hand was £60 for him and I made a lot of money (and I mean oodles) I also spent it rather quickly! on what? well going to see bands and the such like, the odd house from time to time, well I would have them for six months and then sell them because I never stayed there more than three or four times, I got a load of work in Edinburgh lived there on and off for 18 months then when I started looking for a flat the worked dried up! I bought a flat in Croydon I had it 9 months slept there 8 times ....go figure, work and watching bands was the order of the day and I never took it too seriously, until one day when my contract was up for renewal and the guy who owned the company offered me a very good deal, a substantial rise and a better all round contract and then when he hooked me, he took my legs away and said that a major publishing house had seen my work and wanted me to work with young bands (as in illiterate)  and what they were offering was double what he was ....ah bugger he gave me 8 weeks to think about it and he was more than happy for me to take their deal, he wouldn't stand in my way, the fact that they had offered him a rather large signing on fee helped but he kept that to himself (for the moment) it was all up to me.

I was confused at the time, for about ten minutes and then I said that I would sign with the major, he then told me everything that would happen, he didn't want to release me early as I was his biggest earner, although I wasn't publishing many originals his percentage of me doing the assists to these bands amounted to nearly 40% of his company's profit, I set the ball rolling, I went to the new plush offices of the new company, i was shown who I would be working under, it all seemed very civilised! what on earth could go wrong (you can see where this going can't you) two weeks later my publisher died of a heart attack, an honest man working long hours trying to do  the best that he could for his loyal band of workers and sometimes times were lean, sometimes the company was on a sticky wicket, which is why he was glad to have me on the books, at the time there was outstanding VAT and although the money was there it wasn't ready cash and his wife wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with all the goings on ( I have recently found out that she bought the company back a few years ago and its once more a thriving independent) she got a great offer and all the liabilities off her back so she took it.

The company changed almost straight away some people laid off, others contracts were (ahem) renegotiated, mine wasn't they seemed keen to keep me, but this was the straw that broke the camels back, things then turned nasty they refused to release me until I completed all the works owed under the terms of the contract (ah bollocks) I had been labouring away doing all the re writes I hadn't taken due care and attention of my contract and although I had done above and beyond the call of duty, they were simply holding me to ransom (wanted my copyrights etc etc) now at this point I should point out I will gladly cut my nose off to spite my own face and I was worse when I was younger, so I went into stroppy mode (oops) and it didn't get me anywhere, so soon we had gunship diplomacy, neither side talking except through lawyers and I was hurting badly, the major was shrinking in the distance and I did the stupidest thing in the world, I completed my contract in just under eight days, something was rotten in the state of Denmark and the new owners were aware of it, I had produced just over 35 completed sets of lyrics in that period of time, even me at full speed ahead, this was a completely erroneous state of affairs, problem solved I cleared my desk and waited with baited breath.

Seven days later I was hit with a writ that claimed breach of contract, fraudulent accounting methods and worse of all plagiarism, I was sunk the major ripped up the contract up I was holed below the waterline with those charges against me nobody would touch me with a barge pole I knew that I was fucked but I wasn't backing down (hindsight is a wonderful thing) the urge of youth or whatever you want to call it I went down all guns blazing, the why and the where fore isn't for this blog (another time yes)  the upshot in reality I should have resigned for another year gone with the flow and walked away and they couldn't have done fuck all, I counter sued loss of earnings etc etc etc and then fired my lawyers, and turned up in court with just little old me to defend myself, I had just bought a house and pumped everything into the house, I was penniless so I took a temporary job (27 years I'm still there ) the trials and tribulations I will blog about another time.

Were the charges correct? actually yes  and no, yes I was in breach of contract  but it had been agreed (with a handshake) with the previous owner and that's why there was the signing on fee, had I been fraudulent actually that would be a no, hells bells I was scared of my own shadow did I rip off the taxman? yes! did the taxman catch and rag me with a rusty trumpet your darn tooting he did, again a story for another blog! did I plagiarise anybody.........yes I did I was so pissed of like a dumbass I went home and trawled through every obscure (not that obscure as it was) album I had and I pulled a line from here and a line from there until I had the required number to sell my soul! they simply employed a musicologist and he nailed my sorry arse to the wall (the bastard) bang to rights etc etc. the jig was up and the rest is history mind you I did drag the court case on for six years and it cost me nothing as they had "deprived" me of earning a living at my trade, again another blog as I feel this one is starting to spiral out of control.

Do I miss it? actually the honest answer is no! it was starting to be bloody hard work, the fun was going out of it, was I any good? yeah sorry I was fucking really good, but the shine was off the apple and I love the job I do more! it just took twenty years to get to the good bit! the wife would love me to go back to it, but I'm not as dumb as I look it's a younger person's game now, someone up with technology skills (so not me) and can multi task (again so not me) I like doing my blogs and the occasional book, ask me to write a song now would be like pulling a tooth using an egg whisk.....nigh on impossible, so don't live in the past live for today as tomorrow may never come, there I can still write like the old days and there is the potential for at least another two to follow on not morose (although it bloody well should be) hopefully a witty (WTF) take on a time long long ago, so watch the skies for the next thrilling episode of..........Toodles!

Glad Tidings

What a difference a week makes, what a difference people in your life makes! what would people do without Google hahahahaha once more comments came thick and fast after the last blog and even Nils got the name game, I couldn't have made it any easier (could I Dave hahahahaha) so again I thank you all, the comments did indeed cheer this boy, after the blog I had to get on with life some good new some bad ....OK mainly bad but you know what I didn't really care!

I have played a lot of music this week and I know how much I have missed it and I don't miss the fact how much of it has been seventies and although I post a lot of it too my farcebook page trust me you guys only get about 10% (Van Morrison as I sit typing this) and a lot of reading with copious amounts of writing in between! so there are seeds being planted, we can only wait to see what fruit it bears, will it be bitter or sweet lets wait and see?

The wife was stricken down last night so I had to play nursie again, its been awhile but she eventually drifted off to sleep, and I lost myself in my writing and loads of music, only realising how late it was when even the old man of the house said sod off, the hard part was getting the dear lady to navigate the stairs and into bed before she truly woke up (now she knows how I am most nights!). a late night for me but not for her but I was sat at the back door 4 hours later enjoying the sun sat with said old man at my side.

Next week is going to be busy busy busy but I intend to go with the flow, I know I say this all the time but this time I really do intend to try (hahahaha)  and keep the drama down to a dull roar, if that is even possible? a lot of the art of the body swerve and as all ways too many cunning plans for the coffers, but we will try and do what we do best(argue.....no I'm sure that that's wrong). again I need to try and settle into a pattern for writing (as long as it's not all doom and gloom) play lots more music and indeed do some reading, it's not much I know but it's what I have, so I will go with the tools I have at my disposal.

I feel like a bit of a bum at the moment, so a soak and a shave is the order of the day (after I have done our dinner) see it's not all about rock n roll, sometimes its about the little things that all add up to a hill of something, so as I lie flat on my back on that particular hill, waving at stars but not quite reaching the clouds never mind stars, enjoy life it's the only we get, just know I'm in a good place (for now hahaha) and that's what truly matters so place nice and watch the skies there could be something heading your way incoming.....Toodles!

A light in the black

Today has been a good day it wasn't anything brilliant to start with just another day on the plague carrier , but I received a message from a friend out of the blue who was genuinely concerned about me and my mental health, I will admit to being happy that I hadn't been playing bus seat roulette, so I was sat right at the front and when I read it not only did it make me happy, I actually cried not boo hoo tears, but my eyes were moist (oo er missus) it doesn't take much, but I was a happy camper when I got to work, not exactly Julie Andrews but not Genghis khan either ( I may have got those two mixed up) isn't it surprising how such a small token of friendship can turn that frown upside down!

I know I must come across as a miserable git (ooops sorry the wife's description) but in reality I'm not, I,m usually a happy go with the flow type of person (hang on while all of the people who do know me roll around the floor laughing catch  their breath) I really don't want much, and as a rule I'm generally happy with my lot. Now if I was to use a word to describe myself I would use melancholy it's something that I think suits me in general, mind you I was described as a fun loving, passionate, go to guy by my boss this morning (haven't got a clue if he meant me but he was pointing in my general direction and he was selling my place of work so why the hell use me as a symbol of hope ....oh dear) so I suppose what other people see, I don't and I get that I really do, now sometimes I have dark moods and for a long time they have stayed away from me, but for some reason they have reared their ugly heads, why I have no idea. this is why I have asked for professional help, I pay my taxes so I feel no shame in asking for a helping hand. having said that reading through the paperwork I foresee trouble ahead, which if pushed I will just walk away and say fuck it, but lets not pour petrol on the bridge in advance of setting fire to it (my usual get out of jail free card).

I'm aware that I'm not dying of some incurable disease (actually I am it's called life) and to be honest if I'm coming across as a whinging Pom (Alright Skeet) it's not my intention but after carrying this issue around for over thirty years, I want it put to bed, gone, sorted, whatever phrase suits it best I want to lead a normal life (hang on I have that nagging wife kids debt job etc etc) without carrying all of the excess baggage! some of it yes ,I have no issue there, but not for it to play like a stuck record over and over again. so once more from the heart of my bottom (nope I'm sure that right....erm) I cannot say thank you enough for all the gestures of kindness that I have received, although the one that I received this morning has struck the biggest chord (ha I made a funny sort of) although I'm not sure of the nude manly wrestling cough splutter!

I'm a better man today than I was yesterday, I know I'm a man of many colours we all, are if we were all the same we would be a boring planet would we not, what happens tomorrow is not at my beck and call! I can only play with the cards I'm dealt with at the time, but I  intend to live my life to the best of my ability and I can only do that thanks to my family and friends, I thank you all especially those who hear my voice, it's nice to know that there is indeed a light out there in the darkness for lost souls like myself again I thank you all until the next time .....Toodles!

Nils the name game is still in play and you haven't got any of the last twenty or so, if you don't get this one well you aren't the fan you claim to be hahahahahaha

Balance of power

It would appear that most of you lot (yes you lot) think that we are in mortal danger from our very own government!

That's an awful lot of you sensing a threat and some genuine malice, What makes me worry is the fact that I personally don't see it! hell yes I can see the inefficiencies and the incompetence, but lets be honest here we see that all of the time in our everyday lives! Lets be honest here regardless of which dumb ass is in charge (oops sorry inside voice) to tell the truth I have always welcomed that!

I don't like my government to be big and cold and calculating and especially profit making. bureaucracies driven by some young buck who claims to know what they are doing! if you have a quick glance back in history you would see that a well organised leadership tend to enjoy well organised parades (with blonde hair and blue eyes) usually followed by some well organised ethnic cleansing, which is why I like my government to be as dumb as a box of frogs!

I have no problem with a little confusion or waste, it might just keep me from getting a one way ticket in a cattle car if you get my drift (although I have enough Germanic blood if required hahaha) to the back of beyond some place worse than even Gimpsville! are our pennies being misspent on poorly organised schemes? hell yeah, do we get more bang for what we pay for? of course we don't, does our post or trains arrive on time? of course not, are our methadone clinics working at full capacity? actually probably yes they are! but just bear this mind politicians who cant find their own ass (I'm getting to like that word) without a torch and a hand mirror (hello Boris) are not likely to find me either.

To paraphrase Fish "I don't trust the government" ha he also said "I don't trust alternatives" woo hoo three in twenty four hours that's me done, an early rise in the morning for the whole week so until the next time Toodles! 

Hanging on the telephone

As I get older (yeah me) I feel more alone and disconnected with the world, My phone is my one and only constant companion and thanks to it's confidence I can connect with the outside world! As I feel more and more lost my phone calmly knows how to help me to reach my destination, as I struggle to remember even mundane facts like the name of a film or a type of........(damn where's my phone) my phone literally recalls everything I need (the smug little bastard). As I increasingly lose the memory of verbs nouns and adjectives (actually did I ever know them) that were there to help articulate the small grey cells, my own thoughts that little black piece of plastic taunts me with it's instant access to every word that has ever been written.

There is and can only be one possible conclusion slowly (like skynet) the phone is taking over the world (don't laugh) .....when the hell did my brain get outsourced (at least it's in my own accent) to make matters worse it bloody well knows it, Now it's starting to screw with me (please join the queue) simply because it can! several times a day it buzzes me in my pocket and not in a sexual way, alerting me to the fact that some vital piece of information has just arrived. but when I look nothing at all (WTF) no email, no text no alert, was the vibration all in my head and some kind of sick wishful need?

I don't think so I think it's screwing with me, the thing is (not so gently) mocking me and not just mine it's all of them every single one, they are slowly robbing us of our intelligence (hahahaha yeah right) of our humanity even, it can only be a matter of time before a newer model arrives with its own opposable thumb, hell yeah they are smart evil genius smart (who are you calling paranoid?).

I have to get the message out to the world before it's too late ah bollocks I have no signal what the hell is...............................

I did warn you lot until the next time I do believe I'm on a roll until the next time Toodles!

Script for a Jesters Tears

This one has been an awful long time in coming, in actual fact I have spent four hours before I wiped it and started a fresh, I keep bleating on about that I'm concerned about being miserable all of the time! I have come to the conclusion that it's what I am, for better or worse its exactly who I am, so for better or worse it's my life like it or lump it!

The work week has been as always hectic and if I am honest, (I do try to be honest) I like the fact that I can lose myself in work, without work I do believe I would go totally over to the dark side, and that's not something I want to do, I realise that I do indeed have so much to live for and the fact that although I'm generally unhappy with my lot, it's mine and it's down to me to fix it and nobody else! as you are all aware that I have  had a few disturbing posts of late and I finally reached out for the help that I require, we wait with baited breath to see what happens, I keep feeling trigger happy sat in the life's waiting room playing Russian roulette, stand straight tomorrow's here yesterday's gone I need to deal with the now and not what is out there in the stratosphere!

Music has been helping as always mainly, Fish and Fish era Marillion although I'm heading back to late seventies and early eighties rock, it helps me feeling human and not like some diamonded Harlequin, seeking sanctuary from my dreams, they are indeed my dreams! innocence has surprised me and resurrected hope and that in itself has more questions than answers?  looking at the world through shades of green instead of shades of blue (this was originally called jealousy) as I realised that my problems is that I'm actually jealous of the world and all the colours of life that I don't seem to taste! my life seems to be predominantly black and it's a colour I'm starting to hate, as is probably everybody around me.

I have noticed I can't take a compliment (WTF) and I see things that are not there (no not paranoia) have I always been like this? I don't know. I'm not sure how many of you nice people give me a compliments? but it's unnerving that I seem to have this trait, I had never noticed it before but it seems that I always keep putting myself down, (WTF) why the hell do I do that? I know I have a "different" sense of humour is this the root of my problems I don't know and more importantly should I care? I'm sure I will find out soon enough. I have done tons of writing for the blog over the last couple of weeks and nothing fitted, it all seemed skewed sort of incomplete, it wasn't bad it wasn't depressing (like this one hahahahaha) it just didn't seem right, it's like I didn't hear  myself with the same voice as I normally do (damn this is making me sound so bloody nutty it's unreal) I do know the writing has helped and helped a lot and although I'm not keeping everything It's cathartic it means I'm not going off like a scatter gun and going loopy with  the family which I have to admit I'm trying to keep some  anger at bay all  the time,  Somehow I don't think that's a good thing hahahaha.

As I  have travelled back and forward to work, I have worked on a blog entitled Jealousy ( I might have mentioned that just checking to see if you are paying attention at the back) and I liked it! it was dark but not morose, it was what my head has been processing for the last few days, every time I thought I had an angle on it wallop it would kick me in the slats and take me back to being the miserable person that I have been over the last few blogs  and I'm sorry but with little steps I intend to be miles away, before the misery in me knows that I am indeed well away! although I have utilised the first part from what I was writing, it seemed as though there were just riddle upon riddle and I need to return to a more simplistic approach and not over think the process, so here's the deal if I have an idea get it down on paper (as always) polish it and get it up on here as quick as I can I do believe that was the success of the original page as I was always told in the army Keep It Simple Stupid!
 so the days of blogs of custard creams and insulting rednecks might see a return well! OK so not the insulting of rednecks, but you get the general idea!

Thursday was a long day with a few curveballs thrown in but even though it was a long day it could have been so much worse and as always I like to focus on something in front of me and keep that to help me through the day, Friday I was duty dog (me with my reputation) and although the shift ended as quickly as it had begun, I was confused about my bus times (easily happens at my age) I ran out of the door simply as I didn't want to  get shouted at (for working for a living). I soon realised after I got to my bus stand that the times change after seven (D'OH!)so I could have hobbled there with no worries, but no I went as fast as my little legs would carry me, I then saw the world and his camel waiting for the same bus this was going to be a long ride but at least I could get a seat at some point in the ride home (erm no that's not true) the bus was full of noisy teenagers (hang em all I say) and pissed up old aged pensioners, damn I needed a seat after two long days, the bus slowly emptied but it took all the way to Shotley Bridge before I got the sweet relief I craved, I wasn't a happy Bunny going through the front door (no surprise there then) but I was attempting  to be civil, the eldest still fraying every last nerve but I opted not to have a drink to help decompress, as that would not help me with my loose tongue,I ended up on the laptop writing and writing some more, until I was tempted with a soft seat on the couch and the surprisingly long Blink! finally I awoke and headed to a singular sleep that was so divine I was the last one up this morning (WTF) and felt rested for it.

Today has been as always a strange day, as always a prisoner in my own house as it appears that I wear an anklet that means I'm not trusted out of the house, so I did keep an eye on (work) emails and did some more writing silly stuff, stuff to humour me nobody else, I worked a little on the great novel (hahahaha) which will be the last book that I do indeed publish, 14 years in the planning and not a word written hahahahaha I could do with a solitary week away somewhere to crack on and do nothing but try and crack the big one! Or maybe just a week me doing what I used to do twenty years ago off with the habit of the windswept thumb, who knows because I know I don't and that is really my issue, I haven't got a bloody clue, and that's me done! Not the blog that started and after this gets posted, I will continue with the writing I feel as though I have words streaming out of me in a good way, so I will go with the flow and try and not upset the world or it's friends I hope this wasn't too psychedelic for you and yes there will be more in the next few days so watch the skies, thanks as always for the kind words and support you know who you are ....onwards Toodles!

What if

What if you didn’t like yourself? What if you where generally unhappy with your lot in the universe, what if something you did caused a monumental fuck up and started a chain reaction, what if is my favourite question of all time!

If you have been reading the various books/blogs you will be well aware that I am actually (ahem) a well adjusted person, and although I have one or two (hundred) issues I’m generally happy with my lot OK so I wish I was a bit (a bit hahaha) thinner and had a bit more ready cash in my pocket, but overall I’m OK with what I have and how my life has gone. I don’t mind being short or bald or even as blind as a bat, most things actually whether we want it to or not, happen for a reason. The big cosmos, God or whichever deity you believe in, I do believe in karma so if I do a bad thing I feel as though a bad thing is going to happen back to me superstitious yes! Go figure me a grown man as well, mind you with that thought in mind the amount of bad luck I have had I must have been Adolf Hitler in my previous existence.

Now I don’t play what if in regards to my own life but generally in other things, again too many thoughts in my brain to put them down onto paper, but we all do this at some point, this also occurs when I’m watching the news like what if David Cameron was to be discovered to be a human being! What if John Wayne were still alive, what if that goal keeper had gone the other way, just massive amounts of stuff floating through my head at any one time.

What if that person had lived, what if I had stayed in bed on that particular day, what if I hadn’t told that person I loved them! Those are sometimes some of the darker what if’s, that patrol the corners of my brain, now not that I want this portion to be dark and distressing well it will be a little bit, but not for me it’s about karma and how it chooses other people. Let me set the scene its 1989 I’m helping a mate called Mark (I used to drink with him in the club I knew him to say hello and he used to join the company from time to time) shift some gear he has bought from a farmhouse in Rowley a little Hamlet just outside Consett which is on the main drag from Darlington all the way up to Hexham a fast road with just a few curveballs thrown in for good measure. Mark had an old van that had a back door that used to throw itself open (because it can) at the most inappropriate times, we loaded the boxes into his van and we stop at the junction ready to pull out.

It’s at this point it’s a what if moment (or karma moment) occurs there is a gap in the traffic and just as we are about to pull out, the door pops open, I jump out and slam it shut and just to be on the safe side I find some wire and twist it around the handle and the bumper (it was an old van even then) I take my time as I’m aware that Mark has dubbed the van Christine, as like the book sometimes the van was possessed, I jumped back in the cab and although he would normally speed away at way at this point, there was a little Ford Fiesta chugging down the road and rather than pull out and force the car to slow a little bit (this is the what if moment) we held our horses and pulled out behind them, just as well as the van spluttered and coughed and we were slowly pulling away. At least we didn’t get shouted at by the guy driving the car! a guy I would say in his early fifties with his wife a similar age, who I would say had their grandchild in the back of the car (they seemed to be a bit late in life to have had kids) as they passed me and Mark both said at the same time (jinx) “that kid should be sat down and strapped in”, as it was she was stood in the back holding onto the front two headrests singing away, while the people driving took little or no notice, now we reckon they were doing about fifty because we were doing about forty and they were pulling away from us not a lot but enough, we also reckoned they weren’t from around the area because if they were they should have been braking not accelerating, there a nasty hairpin bend that’s upon you before you know (me and my mate Ath ended up in a field one winter when we got it wrong in icy and snowy conditions at the same junction and yes we were going waaaay too fast) as they hit the bend the driver must have been distracted probably by the kid and went straight on just as a Mercedes came around the corner and clipped the back end of the Fiesta. We stopped behind it Mark ran across to the Mercedes to see if the driver was alright (as it happens he had slowed right down and was unsure of the bend which probably was just as well) I got to the Fiesta as the grandparents were scrambling out, the back passenger side having taken one hell of a clip, but the little girl it was like she was asleep on the back seat. Her neck broken! she was dead and to this day I still (and not in a bad way) think of her, What if she was destined to do something great, what if she was destined to save somebody else’s life further down her silver thread, how much better would the world have been if she had been in it, I found out at the inquest that she was nine years old, what had she done that was so bad that her thread was cut that day?, why had karma chose her?, of course the rational amongst you will have said that she should have been belted up in the back of the car, and at the inquest the grandmother said that it was something she always did, but the grandmother had put the radio on (another what if moment) and the girl’s favourite song came on and she stood up to dance and sing (kids do that) I don’t remember their names just the what if’s. The Mercedes driver was cut up something rotten even though he had done nothing wrong, this was confirmed by the police at the inquest. What if though he knew the area and drove as fast as most people do who know the road, there was the potential that he would have totally wiped out their car and them as a family altogether!

What if we had pulled out and made them slow down would that have averted the accident or would karma catch up with them (final destination style) further down the road. Who knows but I still think about that girl, about what she missed, school, boys, sports, driving, holidays and all the things that we take for granted each and everyday. I still remember checking for a pulse and realising that she was dead and the hysterics going on behind me, I remember the policeman (his number 999 stood out on his shoulders) asking me for the details and the parents of the girl turning up and there was even more crying and all me and Mark wanted to do was get the hell out of dodge and away from the grief, I didn’t feel guilty about this, it was as if we were being guided by other forces, the van doors, me tying them shut Mark not wanting to pull out because he knew that the van would cough and splutter, so many variations and so many what ifs!

Why do I put this in here well it’s part of me it’s like my tattoo’s I will take it to the grave with me, it hasn’t upset me people die! I didn’t/don’t know these people, hells bells I don’t even know if Mark still lives in the area, I probably saw three or four more times after that, life as always goes on but when I have time to gaze out the window and watch the clouds (my favourite thing in the whole wide world been doing it for forty plus years and I ain’t going to stop anytime soon!) she drifts in too my thoughts and I start doing the what if thoughts all over again.

We all have a silver thread, some are thicker than others, I hope mine is as fat as I am at this moment in my life, I have a pretty good idea on how I’m going to shuffle off this mortal coil (unhappily because I don’t want to go) with the family medical history (stroke being the favourite) what if I live to be a hundred? What if I get skinny? What if we as a family get along ok so I know I’m pushing the boundaries on that one but it does make you think though doesn’t it?

what if?

Now I am aware that people are worried for my sanity (don't be)  this is the last one for a while from Buck Naked as there does seem to be a stream of melancholy running through these blogs I intend that the next one will be that little be that little bit happier (hopefully) so until then have fun play nice and erm....Toodles!