Tea for one

I really do need to make a list of all the song titles I have used as I really haven't got a clue if I am just going round and round in circles!

Yes this is a song title and I have used it as a certain friend in Germany is under the delusion that this band still cut the mustard after all the years away....trust me they were shite then and they are shite now thank god the vocalist realises this and will not inflict us anymore punishment, not bad for a band who have done nothing in thirty plus years but still make the members around twelve million dollars a year (in this day and age) so they must have done something right at some point.(what the hell do I know give me Hellenbach any day of the week!)

The title refers to the fact I have been trying to prise one English pound out of my wife's hands so I can go buy some decent tea and not the decapitated (yes I meant to say that) crap that the rest of the household drinks, I could kill for a proper brew ah well three weeks and waiting! maybe next week! I'm sat here typing away because Junior is kicking off after a day with no afternoon nap and the wife has gone upstairs with a boat hook to try and get him back into his cage (I told you to but his water bottle back on the cage) I am finally back on an even(ish) keel after a couple of weeks of general apathy and loathing and a good dose of paranoia for good measure, nothing major as I had said in previous blogs just a general malaise that had me in a deep deep funk! hopefully fingers crossed the goodwill in my tiny little heart will stay there.

Work as always is like a bloody battlefield and honestly if I didn't love what I do for a living lord knows what would happen, as some of the wooden tops I have to deal with staff as well as clients is just unreal! how we on our little island were ever considered great sometimes does escape me hahaha but hey ho lets not go there, I have in my possession a slight beam of happiness I can't deny it it's only chance to survive, it's like a tractor beam of misery so lets see if we can indeed escape from its Vulcan death grip!

Little saplings of writing are stirring so hopefully there could be some good stuff in the pipeline, I have three weeks until I have some time off,  so lets just keep the plates spinning and then a week of serious writing to do! I have been neglecting my duties of compiling all the stuff that I have thrown in my "ideas" file so I need to get to grips with it and see what on earth I can trawl out of there, some of the stuff requires me to have a go when totally happy, as you all know sometimes you have to wait to pull those particular fish from the stream! I think the fact that I have little rays of joy is the fact that Lady J has sprung a little do for my (ahem) birthday, I don't really do anything for this as its just another day (closer to death hahahaha) and I can't actually ever remember doing anything special for this anniversary of my birth I usually take the time off as I don't really understand why people say "happy birthday" and the such like again its me and emotions I suppose at some point I will have to connect with these meddlesome feelings and go with the flow (when I'm about 50ish) and for once I'm looking forward to interacting with that small band of people that I do love to interact (oooh I suppose they are what you call friends...OOOPS!) with hahaha so watch this space as there just might be a tale or two coming this way.

Back to the work front in the trenches I am hoping that there will be some small victories in amongst the blood and snot but I have had my hopes dashed before so I will not hold my breath for too long, having said that if I get screwed again I do believe a killing spree has been ordered for an early morning slot on pay day if it doesn't do what it says on the box! now this will be the last one for a while that is doom and gloom (ish)
I intend to mine some of the previously mentioned nuggets so that I can keep some of you happy little bunch exactly that....happy!

My grand novel (yes that dreary idea) has had a major revamp with the central character becoming .......female! a better twist for what is intended, nearly twelve years in development and at this late stage I go and change the main character no wonder the thing is stewing in development hell, but I'm sure I can finally  get going on it, it should be fun I have the story (and have had for quite a while) it's just the glue I can't find, and after several false starts where I soon realise that I'm actually writing it (rather badly) in other peoples styles, so hopefully after a number of small books I hope that I have developed my own style I just need to point it that away and crack on, so that's all my cunning plans and hopefully a happier person in the making and not a bitter twisted little troglodyte sitting under a bridge, watch this space if somebody in Germany espousing the wonders of a dodgy band can set me off on a rant like this imagine what I can manage when I'm just a little bit happy! that's me done and dusted until the next one, play nice and don't eat all your Halloween sweeties, you know that it will just make you sick, that's me out of the door for now.....Toodles!

I have turned into Gene $immons.

Now we all know that cannot be the case as Gene has copyrighted just about anything to do with himself and why the hell not,  it's his he can do what the hell he wants with Gene, good luck to him and all those that sail with him!

I'm really reluctant to use my blogs to plug the sale of my (wonderful) books, now that doesn't mean I won't do it (if I don't do it Gene $immons has threatened to sue me) It's just that I'm reluctant to, or maybe's I'm apathetic (see previous blog) or even in two minds who knows?who cares? who actually gives a rats ass? (answers to idontgivearattsass.com) on one hand it seems more than just a bit shameless to ask you good people to spend your hard earned pennies on a wonderful creation (by those lovely people at Blurb.com) filled with amusing stories and witticism, each page could be torn from its bindings and framed as if it was from the book of sod it (that well known unpublished bit from the bible or the racing news I forget which)  mind you it could be just the thing for when you are hanging around at the airport (you know who you are) or even for that special someone in your life (in my case the bank manager) who already has the latest wonder device from Apple or is it Banana I get so easily confused these days!

Of course the new book will be mainly items from this blog, I always attach previously unreleased material to the latest release and hide it at the back so that you can't read it for free (Uncle Gene has taught me well) as well as the new material there will be the usual controversies (and no the R word is not mentioned, actually that could be a lie as its been hot to trot since August and I struggle to remember what I did this morning never mind last year hence this blog) but that will not be the reason not to buy it, again why would you not buy it? it could just be the most perfect toilet reading matter that you need (it is after all recyclable so might have more than one use). You can't say no, there are five lovely editions number six is sitting at the starting grid and number seven has not been completed because why the hell should I if I can get the other buggers published  follow my lead boys and girls for the love of Pete! (Pete who the F*** is Pete?).

Take it from me, don't suffer don't let apathy rule your life! enjoy the clarity of free thought and the sense of wonder that comes from being a person who knows what they want! and you want to get on line and order five copies of each beautiful.........oh wait the meds have kicked in!

Ah sorry I was channelling the God of Thunder himself, but I felt the need to get out from underneath the rock that we call life, I'm fine and dandy (thank you for all your kind words) I have to admit to being a tad lonely in my own little world but tthe kind people of the interwebby thingymabob have helped I hope this goes some way to make up for the piece of shit I posted last night but hey ho I had to do it just to say I had posted something! so watch the skies I promise to deliver some bits and pieces this week otherwise I might just go mad, as Freddy Mercury used to say "spare him his life for his Pork Sausages" or some other such malarky live life like you want to and I will see you here sooner or later for more drivel same choas same medication so until then ....Toodles!

Oh and while I remember yes Nils you did get the last blog right please believe me as far as I'm aware there is no song (I should really Google this before saying its a fact) with the title "I have turned into Gene $immons"

Falling off the edge of the world

This will be a hit and run, not humorous and not a whinge as such it is what it is, pay day has been and gone and now just waiting for the next one, not happy not sad (what's  the point anyway) life goes on but the blog well that will have to wait for another day I am still alive and well .....or so I'm told, but there is a log jam I have hundreds of ideas just not the inclination to do anything serious (or witty) rather than post the previous blog that stipulated that I would repost when I had nothing to say. I can't even be bothered to do that until the next time time .....Toodles!

Somewhat Damaged

Ok so I lied, well no that's not true either I do indeed have a humorous (allegedly) blog awaiting in the wings, something I had been polishing but a sudden deviation from the path of enlightenment sent me scurrying back towards the darkness. The work week really had been annoying and I felt like the United Nations trying to put down insurrection down where ever it popped up and it wore me down, Having Junior staying all the time is wearing me down as well (I'm an old man and I need my peepy byes) I love the little rascal to bits but in my eyes do the crime do the time.

Then on Friday the world turned and I didn't, I wasn't my usual Mr Misery but he was standing there behind me (at this point I feel the need to tell some of you who don't know me, Melancholy is the word I would use to describe me, not what the wife would but yes what I would use) and it did not take long before he was sat on my shoulder and the shit just kept on coming and although I knew I had promised the world a blog I hated the world with a vengeance that I simply couldn't lie and post it and have the world think that I was happy (I wasn't and I didn't care who fucking knew).

It was a million and one things and nothing in general (as always) but there was a large portion of hatred (Mr Misery's best friend and right hand man) sitting in my heart and when I'm there in that mood I know the heartache I will cause just by doing some verbal destruction, I know my moods and I try not to inflict them on the  world (at that time in space) but blogging was not the best thing to do. and that's where I am at the moment and although I feel the need to explain, Mr Misery has brought his sleeping bag and appears to be staying for a few days so writing as much as its cathartic is being stopped as it's just feeding the demon at the moment, and I want to be in charge of my life not being driven by emotions that will cause nothing but heartache to all concerned.

This does not mean that the blogs are stopping (or any of the writing in general) but this time and moment in the universe is poisonous to my general well being and yes family (sorry Mrs) and friends have been helping through the various media formats but for now this is me somewhat damaged and annoyed with life the universe and everything, saying that for now I'm having a sit down you lot go on I intend to catch up when I feel a bit better so until then ......Toodles!

Mr Scary

So many things going on in my head writing wise, spinning so fast that I haven't been able to pull one out and to get it sorted and in reality this one is way late so lets go with he flow and let me tell you about work, life and the universe so far this week.

The house is full of sick and invalid peeps in one way or another and it's going with the flow and actually trying to help those war wounded that has taken up the bulk of the week, what with a poorly old man of the house, sickly wife, pukey baby and finally the youngest went down like she had been shot, there has been a few plates spun on the home front this week. The week at work has been with no appointments was meant to be a much calmer and chillaxing attitude (you can see where this is going can't you?) well it went horribly wrong and although I generally do try to help and be a nice guy some people have a tendency to mistake kindness for weakness, wrong move I go from Mr Nice Guy to full on Mr Scary in about 5 seconds these days, my tolerance level for bullshit just tips me over the edge in a split second.

Multiple pissing competitions have ensued since getting to work and as always details will not be gone into lets just say I went off like I had been dropped out of Enola Gay over Japan in 1945 and Mr Scary informed those about me "I'm not here to be popular but to do a job of work", I'm not a person who wants to be part of the political issues that the other nuggets revel in, I go to work to do my job to the best of my ability and not to get pissed off by little dictators who think because they have a title that they are above me (oh how I laughed long and hard in their face at that little bundle of Joy). I wish I had been there when a number of staff pleaded with this dick not to do something that would piss me off, or even when they said "you really should not have done that!" cue one embarrassed dick who stayed at his desk all day and basically kept out of my way...sweet joy!

A number of clients (that's me being polite) who somehow managed to get off their meds and thought I was taking the piss when in actual fact after a lot of hard bargaining had got them a service contract that should be just over £600 but I had managed to get the company to do it for less than a third and these lunatics thought they were being taken for a ride, cue bills for nearly £1000 and even more sheepish looks when I call in and be nice to them, but the thing that tipped me completely over the edge was thankfully a clerical error which thanks to some fancy footwork we were able to avoid blood being spilled somebody tried to change my radio call sign! WTF I have been the same call sign for twenty six years and the one they tried to change me to would have the stench of the Prince of Darkness all over it thankfully crisis averted I was able to breath again.

I'm being tied to a desk (and not in a good way) more and more each day, I was still answering my emails at two this afternoon, not a great turn of events, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day (hahahahaha) so many possibilities to send me off to the land of rage (Hulk smash puny humans) and I really must learn to control my attitude to the world of stupidity, my Phone contract (and the wife's) is up, so tomorrow we go to sort out new phones with me getting bog standard piece of crap and the wife going over to the dark side and joining the Nanny state (E will get that one ....tee hee!) so all my baby organs will be offered up to pay for the bloody things, what the wife's heart desires is usually payed for by cutting my heart out, truth be told she has waited patiently for four years so for once lets give her something to smile about (that's her something to smile about hahahaha) she has had just as shitty a week as I have mind you at some point I would like something nice to happen for me just once I don't mind ....just once!

I'm hoping that the rest of the week shall proceed with spectacular nothingness and for it to fade as I'm aware next week is going to be mental with a capital M! with being back on peasant transport as well things could go either way, I would like to be able to get up and to be able to toddle off to work without being the bloody Samaritans, unlike this morning when I answered my phone to a suicidal  co worker whose mother had just suffered from a heart attack, I have to ask the question do I really look like I give a Fuck ! I'm not heartless but all I could do was calm him down and point him in the right direction (news update the lady survived and is sitting upright in bed!) and that's my tale of woe so far. I do have a thread of an idea in which I need to nurture and polish just a tad (hopefully Friday) which again is meant to be a tad more humorous, next week is D-Day for my pay rise and it still hasn't been confirmed and that's all that's holding up the next book which has been sat hot to trot for nearly two months (calm down E it's my career choice!) watch for fireworks on the 25th if it's not sorted.

So enjoy, spread the word and nobody even tried the name game last time around and no I ain't going to tell you, have a guess and this one is me being lazy because I randomly chose after writing the first part until the next time watch the skies and live life like like you want to!....Toodles!

Pages Of Old

From what little I know of pre-history, man and woman roamed the earth for hundreds and thousands of years, probably in small tribes, maybe two hundred or so people in a group. During all of this time all the collective wisdom was handed down mouth to mouth in the oral tradition (calm down you perverts). All the things that you needed to know in order to survive as a human, it was either shown or told to you in an old age kind of parrot fashion.Whether it was to find a boy or a girl (whatever you're preference was/is)how to have sex, have a baby, raise your family, deal with your neighbours how to find shelter, water and food.How to care for the elderly and sick, bury your dead. How to fight to protect your own, work sing dance get fucked up (even in the good old days they knew how to party) play twister..... ....what do you mean that they didn't have twister? and generally just interact (in a good way) with good old mother earth!

Now its at this moment in time I must say that I find the term pre-history, not only hilarious but truly fucked up! as to suggest that bugger all happened before five thousand years ago must surely put you into (must resist the R word) creationist territory (damn I see death threats ahead again) I suppose nothing freaky happened until we actually stood up and wore clothes!

Any way I'm led to believe that this might have gone on for just a tad, and all was good and stable, peace on earth and all that jazz, but then with a hop and a skip and a massive jump forward the need for more food and therefore more land to actually grow the food that was required, we allegedly moved forward, well then the old ways started to disappear, Our ancestors started to huddle together in larger groups in villages, towns and finally cities.Soon the precious knowledge that had been passed down with that great oral tradition and informed those groups started to be written down and not all people could read. The skills soon began to fade.and that priceless identity with it. The happy life that came with it faded with the lifestyle itself! So what are we left with now I hear you ask (damn those voices in my head!) not alot really when you consider except a self destructive paranoid species, who has grown more flawed with each passing generation. I happen to think because we don't have to remember anything but the pertinent things we will continue our inevitable fall from grace!

Oh and while it's in my head why don't you just pop over to Blurb.com and buy (ooops did you lot really think I had gotten serious all of a sudden....suckers!) my books that just so happen to be filled to the brim of that wisdom that used to be passed down orally from  our peers, but has been written down to preserve it for upright reading population of planet earth, now hurry along as all of these books are limited editions of 100000000000 copies each.

Wow two mid week blogs on the trot that are I think heading towards a sense of humour, please don't tell anyone they might expect it all the time! and yes for all of you who still partake, the name game is still play get this one suckers, until the next time ...Toodles!

The Ecstasy Of Gold

Well sometimes you have to mix it up a tad so the song title is from a film soundtrack and like this blog some will be good some will be bad and some will be down right ugly so buckle up boys and girls it is going to be a bumpy ride!

Let's get the bad out of the way the little doggie is in a poorly way and it is affecting most in the household, which trickles down to other things, it's not good but all we can do is point the boat in the right direction and hope for the best, I have a fancy it's going to be a shit load worse before it gets any better, but that's not why you are here so lets crack on and get to some of the good and as always to the ugly!

As always we were on a schedule and for once we actually made it to sunny South Shields bang on time, yes I know I was suprised myself on the way down I had to insist that the bad vibes were stored in the boot, as we had waited an age for this night out and I wanted everybody on the happy train! we set off while the wife tried to something with technology (and it didn't work) but we managed to get to our mode of transport without any major incident (OK so G needed to pee and wouldn't use a tree but we managed to resolve that issue) we paid our pennies to get onboard  (just as well as the revenue bods got on board and checked our tickets like naughty children that we are) darkness fell in the time it took to get from A to B, and we were aware that winter was peaking over the brow of the hill, we jumped into the Castle Mile and met with Lady J and had a quickie (oooer) in there, it made the Percy look like a Celebrity hangout, there were more pigs in there than they have at the meat counter in Asda! And they all looked if they had gone through the red cross bins for the clothes they didn't want, where were the fashion police when you need them? we came we saw we took the piss before heading to the venue to find out what time the band were on stage.

Time sorted we headed to The Star (which was rammed) so we remembered Rafferty's around the corner and we were soon absconced with beers and E wanting to break some young boy in the corner, just wrong so wrong hahaha, Marty turned up with others and the conversation took a worrying turn about a boat some bands and a holiday, I could see the look in the wife's eyes turning cloudy thankfully none of my organs have grown back from our Vegas Jaunt, as much as we would love to it's a firm no all the way no no no (OK watch this space....NO) drinks drunk and young boys left unmolested we headed to the venue to find that we were upstairs in the small room (damn and blast my knees have taken a beating this week) and when we got up there the room was packed, this wasn't looking good, however we managed to get our usual spot just off from the bar and settled to watch the band moving our feet every ten seconds so not to get pulled into the mire that they call a carpet! (and we all know this isn't the page for reviews.mmmmm I might do a blog page for gigs now there's an idea!) But the band played an hour of good old fashioned hook laden classic rock with a good looking singer and a guitar player (called Pepe!) who had studied the entire book of Edward  Van Halen poses, trust me you do not have to play every solo with the guitar in the air and smiling like a retard! there were more males in the crowd than I thought would be, and the polite young man who pushed past us was actually the bass player (what a nice chap)  the girls all swooned when (Ollie that's the singer girls as most of you didn't know didn't care and actually how many of you actually knew what the song titles were?)the singer took off his top twice although I do believe others were lusting after the drummer in a pirate and whench kind of thing and no it wasn't G! The hour was over very quickly and again I had to descend far too many stairs, we all collected together found Mr Curry and finally headed into the Star for a well deserved drink (woo hoo) The wife had to enquire on the health of the Kraken (because of the little doggie) and there were tears, Lady J came to the rescue as we headed off to Lick Your Hoop!

Once there after a forced march by Mr Curry I realised I wasn't going to be able to get up the stairs, so drinks were purchased and we let the madness begin hahahaha, G up this point had been very restrained (maybe the medication took longer to wear off tonight) more peeps turned up, many who I didn't know, but I still joined in and the crack was at times fierce, a ladies age was a competition we would normally not bring into question turned out to be 61 the usual response from everybody was F*** NO! hahahaha although I didn't get to speak to the lady directly we are lead to believe G spent the rest of the evening asking "how old are you really?" the evening took a weird twist at some point with the wife shouting at another personage "come over here if you think you're hard enough" really I have to take her everywhere twice the second time usually to apologise. At some point a well known Gambler turned up because he thought we had been to the Mini  Mayfair and showed us his stamp for getting back in, which then set off the master forgers amongst us to try and replicate the design like some demented vision on programme.

In the end we went we paid our money and then sat back and watched all of the freaks in attendance and I will admit to sitting watching sad old men head banging with no hair, those that had it, had too much so could not do their full moves, did I dance did I hell I sat and then worked out how to do notes on my phone so that I would have some form of memory of all the things that I knew I would forget most of the time anyway, E as always went all suspicious on me ( I have no idea why hahaha). My main problem with the Mini Mayfair was the fact 99% of the songs played we had just listened to in LYH and there was an abundance of annoying people I had to deploy the thousand yard stare a couple of times to people who were being mega annoying! also the Ladies kept insisting on licking their phones for some reason and whenever the name Ollie was mentioned somebody (whose name begins with an E) kept going Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy, oh dear a certain welder with the body of a racing snake could be in trouble (well he was but not in the way we thought) as I continued to take notes some of the blog came straight off the assembly line fully formed and others I just knew would need a little polishing.

At this rate though I was going to end up with Carpel Tunnel Syndrome with all the writing I was doing on my phone (oops) I very nearly missed watching ( I wish I had thought of whipping out the camera) Skinny Dave drinking bottled water (WTF) I had to drown my eyes in Jack as I wasn't certain as to what I had seen. the night drew to a close and some of us (you just know this is going to get ugly) headed for the exit, G didn't he had been at the petrol (his wife's words not mine and if anybody should know it really ought to be her) it took some deft mastering to get him outside (oh and some loud shouting) we tried to get a taxi for five but were foiled at every turn, we finally managed to flag a cab down but had lost our resident gambler so piled in and headed for the harbour of home! at this point G scrambled in to the front seat and then our problems really started because you could see that that the driver was wishing he had jumped out at the Tyne bridge and dropped and rolled as he had to endure about twenty five minutes of G in full drivel mode which to me and the wife as always is hilarious because he means no harm, but if you don't know him lets just say its like being in a Salvador Dali Painting .....slightly surreal! we arrived at the Hotel Jagermeister (or the Prancing Pony if we wish to offend our hostess) we set off for bed but I was disturbed to find a wet suit hanging in our room if I had discoverd a gimp mask on the pillow I would have been sleeping under the bloody van!

As I drfited off to sleep I did hear G being told off(yet again) by the lady of the house and her pussy being spoken to in a stern voice oh the joys of good friends and strong alcohol, the night as I knew even with the tribulations as always was a resounding sucsess a few teething problems along the way and the wife in a "lets Kill em all" kind of mood was just what the doctor ordered, and a certain melancholy sort of crept over us as we drove home knowing that it could be a while (depending on our cunning plans) before we are able to do what we did this weekend, I do know that I had a tremendous time with all the people I connected with over this weekend (some new friends some old friends)and just wish it could continue on a regular basis because it really does stop me being a misreable git! the week ahead is filled with toil and trouble and I fear for the wifes sanity hopefully I will be there to pick up some of the slack in a troublsome time for her.

A great weekend with only a few hiccups it doesn't take too much to cheer me up but lets flow with the go and I know two biggies in two days is a drain on that muscle I call a brain. I will do a smaller version in the midweek (I do have some thoughts but we shall see) I think I need to find a good looking female so that I can lick my phone like the ladies do (thats sounds just wrong ) until the next time watch the skies.....incoming Toodles!