Closure / Continuation.

You may have noticed my output has increased significantly over the last few weeks, this is mainly due to the fact I now get Christmas holidays for free, and I have no bloody idea what to do with my time, mainly I’m contemplating my navel, but the rest of the time its trying assist in helping the ideas scrabbling through my brain like rats gnawing in the attic escape, this is one of those ideas!

So as I travel to and from my place of work I have a lot of time on my hands simply because I’m dumb and have no idea on how to pass a driving test, no I’m not going there(well not today) but as rule I play an awful lot of music (most of it actually awful some good and some well, lets just call it nostalgic, because that’s the stuff I keep going back to)  the good and awful stuff I tend to switch off and concentrate on the music, but the nostalgic stuff yes I do listen to it, but I usually drift and think about the good old days, ok so some of them were the shit old days but hopefully you get the drift. There were two of us at school (seniors first year) who loved our music, funny how we gravitated towards each other, but I was obsessed then and I’m just as obsessed now.

Did this make me a good friend I’m not sure that it did, because as I have said in the past I only ever speak to one friend on a semi regular basis, and the others only if I enter their orbit, now I know I was a bit of (warning understatement coming) an arsehole but I was a kid, I didn’t know about life, I still don’t truth be told, but I do try these days, but then I used to fly by the seat of my pants and damn the consequences, I used to be really opiniated (so I’m told) but I didn’t realise this at the time which is probably as I left school why we all drifted, we drifted away from ourselves and most of them stuck together but I was allowed to drift further outside their sphere of influence, ok so I left home at 16 didn’t come back until I was 22 and then disappeared again to Newcastle at 26, when I was at home I wasn’t at home often, what with work and bands and well more bands and then some more bands thrown in just for the hell of it, if you get my drift, but again and I must stress this I was opiniated, I still didn’t realise this, how am I aware of this, well at my new place of work I was getting some assistance learning the systems and the girl/lady helping me (she’s 28 and younger than my youngest……..by about 3 days) happened to say, “ my mam knows you” oh oh what’s coming down the road, I panicked, thankfully there was no paternity damages forthcoming, but the conversation was interesting, it turns out her mum was two years below me, so when I was in my fifth and final year she was a third year, and she described some incidents that I was indeed involved in, things that I had long forgotten but they fell out of the story box once my memory had been jiggled, not startling, actually not worth writing about (yet) but the one word in her mums opinion was that I was “opiniated” .

Now bear in mind I had barely any contact with this person except within the confines of the school (a school with nearly 600 pupils) but she formed an opinion on me, thankfully her daughter informed her that I wasn’t like that now! Actually, I am, however I simply try harder to keep my mouth shut (I know me with my reputation) I got to thinking if that’s what someone who barely knows (but does remember me) think, what do the people who really did know think of me and is that why they no longer have any connection to me, it’s a good job I don’t overthink things other wise (erm excuse me) I could be in trouble!

I have to admit I did bump into a lovely person who I hadn’t seen in ages and we simply said hi whenever we saw each other, we had been friends in a similar circle and together in most of my classes and thankfully she has stayed the same friendly person she always was, so thankfully my interaction with her (however small) smoothed my fevered brow and I moved on, until the thought resurfaces 8 months down the line, the rats resurfaced one day on the bus before my holidays and never really went away, now everybody’s life has moved on in the 41 years since we all escaped that life called school and I would say the very few interactions I had were quite positive, but still my brain continues to drag me back towards (localised) insanity.

I know a lot of my behaviour could be construed because of my family life, we weren’t a problem family, well maybe the sons were but we had nothing in which to measure ourselves against, but my parents were the first to be divorced and we took some shit when it all kicked off mind you, when everybody else’s parents started to get divorced we dished back tenfold, so maybe that was why people thought/think that I was a dick, I have no idea, I just know for reasons only known to the world I don’t really have a lot of “old” friends!

Now that was just the preamble, to be honest I’m not a huge fan of myself, what can I say I simply don’t like me and I feel that’s imposed on me because of the sensations I get because my school friends allegedly don’t like me, in reality I have no idea why this should matter but it does, I do have friends (unfortunately we don’t see them at the moment because of the situation that we find ourselves in) but we do converse and for once its not me wanting to stay close to the shoreline, but we have for obvious reasons, I do try (sometimes maybe too hard) to get people to like me, I have no idea what I am doing socially at 58 I could quite easily hide in my shell(I know I have already used this as a blog title) for the rest of my life, my brother who was always the anti-social one has more friends these days then you could shake a stick at, I do not recognise the social person he has become, in fact he is friends with more people that I went to school with because of his (former) place of employment, so what does any of this waffle mean, I actually have no idea but at least I am waving and not drowning (at this moment in time).

If I won the lottery I would pay a fortune to get a trick cyclist (army expression go look it up) to peel me like an onion and to reconstruct me, people will say that I have “father” issues, no shit sherlock anybody who can abandon his family and have no further contact, well to be honest it blows my mind, that’s the reason I try so hard with my kids and grandkids, if I had to ask him a question I would love just to know WHY? but anyway, before anybody says anything i actually don't have to like myself , i would love to know the reason why i don't like myself, ok answers on a postcard to hehateshimself.com any that say "its because your a dick" will be discounted, that shou;d save me a fortune in stamps!

So there you go, another one about to enter the stratosphere and the blog is the gift that keeps on giving I have something 11 blogs fermenting, with 2 been disposed of as in reality time has got away from they were end of year things and well its nearly summer now, they haven’t been destroyed but lets see what happens when and we all know it will do the well runs dry! So watch the skies for more incoming I will need to apply the brakes simply so that numbers don’t suffer, I need to keep the quality (yeah right) consistent as opposed to just throwing out any old tosh …….hang on a minute!!!!! So, stay safe stay alive and until the next one (probably in about 23 minutes lol) …………..Toodles!

 

Yes the name game is in play but its not a song title……72 people responded to last one and 46 of you got it right!