He knows you know.

Wheels within wheels, I’m still begging to ask questions of reality, about life the universe and just about everything, reality has been so strange over the last few days, being at work has made me realise how spoilt we are as humans and why does everybody feel like that they are so entitled to have everything?

My mind has been racing with all things blog like, when the last two have done such fantastic numbers and I am now in the why? Phase of blog writing and I’m starting to second guess myself, not a good thing and my health although better is still toying with my emotions, damn it, I’m not a happy bunny, having said that I seem to be in a continuous loop wondering if I ever am…..Happy, I think that I am but I just don’t know how to prove it to myself!

Am I tumbling towards a conclusion, I haven’t been so far, the numbers keep climbing and again someone is reading through the old blogs as those numbers keep pricking ever up wards, but with no comments, so I start thinking why and trying to second guess myself again, what are they thinking are they reading the meanderings of an old man, its at this point that today the penny dropped, I am old, my body is old and crumbling and the way I look at things (I have always been old) makes me a grumpy old man, I do want to do good things for people, I go out of my way to help others (its true nice guys always finish last) and still I have no positivity from doing these deeds people just expect them without any kind of gratitude, not that I am really expecting anyway, but a grunt or two in my general direction wouldn’t go amiss.

I have no idea why my brain does this, and it is my brain not me, its like my brain is toying with my emotions, I get the feeling that people who I have helped generally don’t want to mix, converse generally just don’t want to be in my company, which probably isn’t true, but again my brain being my brain overthinks everything, the last few weeks ( I would say months but again my brain is toying with me) have seen me in a reasonable frame of mind, my mind is off walking in the world and not walking on water as I would like it to!

I have a song acting as an earwig and the lyrics are peppered throughout this blog although the title is not being used for the blog as It have already been used, again my brain is toying with me as I type this as a stream of consciousness, my thoughts are out stripping my general mood and as the day comes to an end my mind is slowly poisoning my general frame of mind, this week cannot end soon enough as I look forward to my 7 days off so I can break down the walls of indifference and become the better person that I know I can be, or so I like to think I can be…..who knows!

I have to face up to the facts I have to face up to the truth or even reality but as I get older (back to the old age thing) I am aware that my body is breaking down and I don’t like it, its these things that are causing my mood to slip, I can remember being able to be more mobile damn it even skinny, yes I know it seems like such a long time ago, to be fit and then wallop life has crept up on me and hit me a number of times with a bloody big stick. There’s a lurk in the mirror trying to catch my eye and its laughing at me, not with me, and again anger is not far from the surface, admittedly this is aimed at me and not at others, its simply my brain , playing games as it can!

As always of late this is not the blog I intended, I feel the need to vent, otherwise its has the potential for me to go tap dancing through a bloody minefield of my own making, I bought some more flowers (damn it I am a keeper) for the wife simply because I thought she needed cheering up, hey have you seen who she is married to, people have been dying all round us in our little street maybe that’s what’s causing the bad kind of vibe, I don’t know, I just know I simply wanted to blog!  The shutters are closed arm the alarm hide all the weapons (yes I’m still riffing on that damn lyric) I intend to post this on Sunday (let’s see if I do) and then get another one out by the middle of the week, let’s see if I can get one out that I have prepped and done some actual prep work on. Who knows which way the wind will blow, we can all but hope?

The Gary Moore Blog was good and rather positive, with some good thoughts, again thanks to all that did read it , as they rocketed within an hour of posting, its like you all have some kind some of Spidey sense when its gets posted, again there were lots more of drivel thankfully I was able to get it paired down to the bone, damnit if only I had an editor , more than likely probably more than half probably wouldn’t get posted or again is that my brain tickling its fancy, simply wheels within wheels my brain is tumbling towards its conclusion.

That’s another one down getting closer to 500 and the change in the new year will be seismic, it is  going to happen, I’m kind of looking forward to it as the historical ones will cease along with the whinging ones (hang on that’s just about all of them) so watch the skies for incoming and thank you for listening to an old man’s drivel I know its drivel because I’m old, honest I know, until the next time…………Toodles!