I'm not a happy person, there I have said it, it's not a surprise I never have been, but I have never gone out of my way too make anyone else unhappy!
The response that I had to the blog which was about suicide got quite amazing results numbers wise, it also got me quite a few questions, which I have thought long and hard about, none of them trivial and the genuine response from you guys out there has been heart warming. so I thought I had better try and respond to some of the questions and give a definition of what it is I experience. Everybody is different and judging by some of the mails I have received, some of you have your own demons.
First and foremost everyday is different, my aim is to wake up happy, if I wake up happy that's a result as far as I'm concerned I ask for nothing else out of life, not one solitary thing all I want is to open my eyes and be glad that I have done that, if I'm not then I can guarantee you my day is unlikely to get any better, thankfully this very rarely happens. the best way I can describe it is to say I'm a six cylinder engine and one occasionally misfires if I drop below that then there will be issues.
Everyday I feel like a sheet of glass that has been dropped on the floor and I spend the rest of the day trying to put it back together and as always there will be bits missing! some days are more fragile than others, some days I can take on the world and just say fuck it. I question everything internally every gesture, every bit of speech looking for sarcasm that isn't there but I have to confirm that it wasn't there, I don't think I really like me, my looks I'm not bothered about, my hair (or lack of it)is actually quite fashionable, my health gives me cause for concern especially as I get older everyday, I worry have I contributed to my demise over the last twenty years by trying to please the family and not me, I'm not selfish and when I am I have deep panic attacks as to what the world and his dog thinks of me, why do I do this I have no idea I also have no answers to the myriad of questions that tumble through brain.
I suffered from PTSD as a result of an accident in my time in the armed forces and I suffered quite badly(if you have read any of the things I have done it has been a recurring theme) the first ten years were the worst and very few people were aware of my issues, as I get older I find it easier to talk about my situation (and thanks to the blog I'm able to write my version of events) and the real hero of the hour has to be my wife, who over the years has been my rock, something which I'm eternally grateful for, by stripping back those issues though I have discovered other issues that have because I left them alone, they have destroyed my confidence in so many ways, made me an incredibly angry person at times and when I was younger suicidal, thankfully times have changed suicidal thoughts are the furthest thing from my mind (so you can all rest quietly on that one) at times resentment courses through my veins at a fast rate of knots for no other reason than a mild chemical imbalance in my brain.
I saw a head doctor for about ten years after I came out of the forces and the first couple were mandatory , I had no say in the matter and they were within their rights to lock me up if I didn't attend and although I hated them at the time they did help, how I was never arrested in that time I have no idea, as the amount of alcohol consumed was staggering and the damage I inflicted on my body was staggering as well, you become a person of extremes with both high's and lows, too much exercise trying to blot everything else out was a splurge of extremes, to this day I over eat when I'm emotional, all in all it's just as bad as drinking just without the belligerence (mind you I don't need drink to be like that allegedly) I struggle to make friends and because I'm a very shy person (really) I tend to overcompensate and be loud, I then hate myself as first impressions last and I never know if people like me for me or because they know the wife! I have very few close friends now (they know who they are ....Tee Hee) I don't make friends easily as I certainly have trust issues!
I used to go walkabout when my stress levels where through the roof just head out with a bag and a windswept thumb and see where I landed and I have never done it since being with the wife, I sometimes think it might have helped our relationship if I had, I know I'm not the easiest person to live with and I have tried to conform to her ideal for a family life with better than average results but sometimes I want to fight back from the straight jacket of conformity, to go for a walk by myself would be nice, but sins of previous partners come and back to bite me and that causes me concern, as we get older we get set in our ways and that's never a good thing. I miss heading to god knows where and just enjoying the solitude, my wife doesn't understand this and try's to get a handle on me, but sometimes I think just fit a tracker to me and be done with it I know I have trust issues but Jeez just relax and breathe sometimes! I work I come home that's my life and yes sometimes I have issues is it any wonder?
I'm happiest when I'm alone without any interaction or (internal) criticism and sometimes a lottery win so I could buy the family the home they deserve and for me to live in a man cave sounds fab, but a pipedream that the world and his dog would never understand, I know some people struggle to understand why I whinge (yes I was told that I'm a whinging Pom but not in a horrible way) to be honest I don't and if I did it would be far more noticeable, I'm not delicate I'm not broken, I just came without a set of instructions and at times I struggle to work out all my functions. I'm well aware that there are people out there with worse issues than me.
If you don't know me and if you where to meet me, you probably think that there is sod all the matter and you would be right, what I suffer from is in my brain, my lack of confidence my inability to maintain human contact, my desire for solitude is personal you will never understand the same as why I would never understand you or your issues, all I can ask is that you help me along my path as sure as I would help you along yours!
I wrote this blog four days ago and it was probably the bleakest thing I have ever written and I have rewrote it nine times since stripping away as much of the blackness as I can, you don't need to know all of my problems, you don't need to know why I have a low self opinion of myself, hey I don't understand most of it myself, the amount of concern for me has been touching but as always I'm a work in progress and all I can do is take one step at a time I have no other option, one day I will try and please me and not everyone else in my life one day I will get the life I deserve, and be grateful for everyday that I have had since that fateful day in 1982 when the world stopped and restarted with me upside and in bits.
Everyday is a new step forward and with the best intention it should be my best foot forward, sometimes it's not if I stumble I will thank those that help, because in their own ways certain individuals do help me, they don't know it but they do, all I do know is that I won't be beaten I will win through, I took medication once (valium) and hated it, it works for some not for others I try and do my best everyday. I'm not a happy person and I don't begrudge you or yours the happiness you have, good luck to you and all who sail with you, my depression when it's here is like a train and this keeps rolling with no brakes, life is not a rehearsal, we are here but for a brief moment, the only person who beats us is us, everything everybody else does, actually does matter, stay strong stay true even in your darkest moments there are people who have your interests at heart, people who want to keep you from harms way and away from the abyss of nothingness.
I have had dark days before and I know (I'm not a fool) I will have dark times again, and hopefully I will pick myself up and move on to the best of my ability, my intention is and always be to not drag anybody down with me, this month has been the longest sustained piece of unhappiness I have had in a long time nothing major, just the world spinning and me not able to find a safe harbour, I thank you all for your love to all the lovely people in Australia, America, Canada, Europe, Japan and here close to home, people who I never met but the warmth you have passed to me has lit my path and has helped, today is not my best day but it's not my worst either, if I could thank you all individually I would, kind words do help, damn I sound like a bloody hippy until the next time Toodles!
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