Silver

On days like these, we should all realise that we are all extraordinary but that all of our lives are indeed ordinary! I sit here after reading that Tony Scott the director has jumped to his death after learning that he had inoperable brain cancer(allegedly), I’m surprised that the trolls haven’t popped up yet saying that he was a coward, who knows how we would deal with something as profoundly evil as this (both the cancer and the trolls) what must have been going through his mind to jump from the bridge in which the safety barrier is high enough to give a normal person a nose bleed, I’m not writing this to be glib I’m aware the wake of devastation that a suicide can bring to family and friends, his two lovely little boys what must they think now? how will they ever come to terms with this. I had an uncle who after nearly twenty years of having bad news thrown at him on a continuous basis, was told “I’m sorry you have a tumour that’s in a place we can’t reach (his brain) and you only have six weeks to live”! what was his reply (and the reason why I loved him so much) “I’ll tell you when I’m going to cut the silver thread” he survived for nearly eighteen months and at the end he told us “I’ve had enough” but he decided, he fought it every single step of the way. It was on his terms or not at all, what makes some people determined to do that and for others to climb a safety barrier and jump.

What would I do? I have no bloody idea hopefully the later rather than the former, I know I’m a coward and the thought of cutting that damned thread does not fill me with a glow that is happy! But to want to give up on all the good things and yes even though I know I can be a misery, there has been some good things in amongst those days of past and you never know hopefully there will be many more to come. Why do people do what they do? what drives those people who seem to have everything (Gary Speed springs to mind) why do they think that it’s time to move on, shuffle off whatever way you  want to describe it, Has it ever crossed my mind yes a few times (and thankfully not in a long while)  with me I was just screwed up with no direction and I really couldn’t see a way for life to get better, what did I know and here I am (thankfully) a happier soul trying to wring as much enjoyment out of life as possible, time flies (as you can tell by the lines on my face) and no matter what you do or where ever you travel you decide your path you decide when you are happy. We are not all wired up the same way, what makes me sad doesn’t make other people sad and likewise what makes them sad probably doesn’t even register on any of the scales that affect me.

All life is precious but each person has their own melody to dance to life’s song and we cannot perceive what drives them to do what anyone does, we cannot be held accountable for that person who decided enough is enough I have lost some good friends to suicide, people who I loved dearly and I was devastated when they did what they did do I blame them not really, I know what they were going through and maybe in an earlier part of their life it might have just washed off them but at that particular moment, all the planets aligned, on a dark night the boat they were sailing even possibly on a calmed sea just wasn’t enough to give them peace of mind, the shoreline however close wasn’t close enough to offer mercy safety or kind deeds.

Do they not care? Well of course they do, but to them the cosmos has played one trick too many and they don’t want sympathy they have decided that they have a right to be free from whatever demons torture them and only them nobody would perceive the crap that has gone on in my head nor would I ever turn round and say “hey I know the answer” these people are at their lowest point, they have just decided that the world doesn’t care at all and now is the time to get the hell out of dodge! They have given the world one last chance and not been happy with the response, the people I know who have committed suicide had experienced a great loss in their life and no matter what love was projected to them, they had decided there was nothing we could do for them, they didn’t blame us they probably only blamed themselves.

The silver thread is something that I believe in (I have no idea why) it’s what I think life is about and some threads are thicker than others (it’s a theme that is stuck in my head of late) we are who we are, some happy some sad some good some evil it’s a fact of life. None of those emotions should be enough to drive you to want to end your own life, but the fact of the matter is they do, for good reasons or bad for selfish reasons whatever the reason for the perception that you want to choose the manner of your own demise or the fact that some disease is eating away at you, be strong, think of the people you will leave behind, the young ones the old ones the ones who brighten up your day be it a loved one pet or human, think of the darkness you leave behind, for them a tortuous road of misunderstanding that no matter what happens they will never understand, the only person who will accept it rightly or wrongly will be you.

I destroyed fourteen previously written chapters for being bleak and desolate; I hope that I haven’t taken you all on a side tour of misery that wasn’t my intent I had written an unusually chirpy blog and was reading the news on my laptop and the title jumped into my head and wouldn’t be shook loose,  I know this will be polished (however badly) and will be kept, there has to be some balance to a book or indeed a series of books/blogs that is basically me trying (and not always succeeding) to understand the meaning of life and what the great thread we have has in store for me as a person.

Suicide is not a good thing for whatever reason, but at that particular person at that split second it’s all that matters, the scars don’t matter anymore, the points of the compass has brought you to the point, and then in a split second you are gone from the consciousness what I will say is that most people won’t understand and the memory of you will be tainted with the disappointment that you couldn’t share, that you couldn’t talk your way out of this, and the people who you think don’t love you will always love although sadness will be there instead of those special memories that should be the first ones that spring to mind.

My uncle I miss (more than I thought) but it’s his strength and his humour that I remember, more than the fact that I cried the last time I saw him and although the tears are streaming down my face as I type this it’s tears of all the good times the good memories, rightly or wrongly he chose his path and fuck the world, if the time ever rears its head I hope I have just a little of his strength to do the right thing and live for as long as I can to squeeze just that little bit extra out of the cosmos.