I just can’t be happy today!

Today I’m fine I’m not unhappy, I’m not walking around laughing and slapping people on the back, but I’m doing ok, this has been written for a while (with just a few changes) I had tried to do it when I was really down and to be honest the police would be at my door because the original was so bleak, hopefully this version isn’t, let’s go with the flow.

I’m usually ok if I wake up “happy” I may not stay that way but as long as I get up in a good mood, I’m pretty sure I can survive the bulk of the day, go figure! On this particular day I got up tired but I wasn’t in a bad place, I went about my daily routine, bathroom, washed teeth cleaned, dressed, breakfast, cleaned my teeth again (I know I’m nuts) sort the dishes out pack my bag, make some bait and then head out for the bus around 05.50, normally there might be one or two others there, but it’s the holidays so nope its just me for my bus.

I’m left to my thoughts, I choose the first album of the day, Jellyfish Bellybutton, I like it it’s a good album, however my good mood hasn’t lasted, dark thoughts have surfaced, nothing in particular just dark for the sake of being dark, no idea why, the next album played is the Regatta debut ( a Canadian group from the early 90’s)  again the music is chipper I’m not, off my bus and wait fifteen minutes for my connection, I’m like everybody else in the bus station no eye contact no interaction, just chill time, bus turns up and I get to play some bus seat bingo (see previous blogs) the people who get this bus really do like their personal seats (tee hee) I reach my destination, a slow walk across the car park, I’m usually the first person in the building apart from the support team, I get to the desk (I don’t have a desk it’s a hot desk situation) I never put the lights on, its summer I’m next to a window I don’t need any additional lights, it feeds my mood..

Soon like the tide people arrive, some converse, some don’t, I wear my mask of smiles and pretend to be cheerful, these people haven’t done anything wrong why should I take my mood out on them. I start work slowly ticking things off my list, emails tick, investigations tick, be jolly with my boss (gritted teeth) tick, not at my boss I just hate having to pretend to being jolly,  print reports off tick, I like to be organised, start the first main job of the day, I don’t want to chat so I put my headphones on (UFO Mechanix) and just knuckle down to it, first meeting of the day, my mood stays the same, my mood has flatlined, but I’m with people so I have to get on with it and try to be “nice”. I do genuinely try to get in a good groove its not other people it’s me and I know it is, the days not helped by dealing with educated people who are thick and feel entitled (grrr).

People in the office are getting the vibe thankfully the people in my team are aware and know just to let me get on with it, I’m concerned that my mask could be slipping, maybe food will help, it’s my usual, a small sandwich (turkey today) as I am desperately trying to lose some weight so I can have my knee operated on, the sandwich is nice but boring, that’s not a complaint I make my own food, more music (FM Indiscreet) my mood hasn’t improved but the mask is back in place, my work mate to the side of me knows how to get me back on track we talk about music, (Iron Maiden’s world slavery tour) and it does right my ship a bit more, but now I have to play Powerslave, hmm metal music isn’t conducive to a happy office (see I have started to cheer up purely because I am playing it at a volume that can be heard lol) it’s the simple things in life, unfortunately my work mind has slipped I can see blue sky and I have started to drift, maybe its time to head home.

The journey in reverse with more music (Prince 1999) the bus is more full, at least I can make my connection and I can drift off for the next 45 minutes, a slow walk from the bus station to home all 279 steps (I’m sad I counted them) then to wear my last mask of the day the wife has a crap time of it of late, I am trying to help her, so I try to be cheerful for her when I go through the front door, I am happy to see her, my mood at this stage isn’t terrible it’s just slightly off, I do my few chores I cook the tea ( I like to cook) then to veg for a couple of hours talking to her and watching TV. So ends another day, not one of my better ones, not one of my worst, I’m a lot better than I used to be, I’m not the angry young man that I was, world weary at times but I do try to be happy.

So there you have a day in the life of a miserable bastard, work for five days (I wish I could retire)then allegedly two days off at the weekend, never seems like two, I really am in a much better place than I used to be, honest would I lie to you, actually I do believe I have addressed this before, I do try to be as honest as I possibly can, life’s crap but it wont beat me it might kick me in the arse from time to time but I can deal with that!

Numbers are slowly coming back to normal, but the newer blogs seem to be doing better than usual so I can live with that, I do have a few blogs kind of half way written, so that’s why there’s been a few have come along in quick succession, don’t worry it wont last, it never does, the name game is an easy one (its from the album that I played this morning I do have such an eclectic taste Dua Lipa is up next who knew????) so stay safe stay alive and try to stay happy, be aware there is a “Now Hear This” blog on the horizon so if you want to ask something, ask now or forever hold your peace! And with that I go back to do some more work in preparation for tomorrow, it’s a big day, so until the next one………. Toodles!

Sailing.

I did the North sea Jazz Festival in Holland for five years on the trot (1986-90), it was away to get some fresh air, away from all of the trials and tribulations that was going on around my personal life, the first four there was just three of us Stevie who I worked with and his best mate Ian (Robbo) it was a giggle, great music in great venues, no drama, a few beers, we didn’t go daft and definitely no drugs we were all against it, they all ran quite smoothly, the last one there were around 15 of us again Stevie’s mates from his rugby team, this wasn’t going to be as quiet as the first four.

We set off on the Wednesday, I stayed in Gateshead as the ferry was early ish, I awoke nice and early however I didn’t feel fresh, I felt decidedly off kilter, and I wasn’t sure why, the bus picked us up I knew some of the guys to say hello to, but not what I would have said I could have (and still can’t) had any real conversation with them outside of hello, I was given given a potted history of them and by the time we hit the Tyne Bridge the beer was open on the bus, I had to say no as my head was banging and I really did feel like shite!

As I got off the bus my head was simply getting worse I couldn’t even walk a straight line, I went to the shop on board and bought some painkillers, it brought it down to a dull roar, I soon parted company from the guys as I didn’t want to be a killjoy, so I sat out on the deck hoping to get some fresh air, every time I had been on the ferry it was smooth sailing, this time it wasn’t, it was like being on a rollercoaster, I headed back into the cabin and tried to get some sleep even the bar was empty once the sea got going.

Robbo checked in on me and was a little concerned, I wasn’t sea sick but my head was bouncing, it wasn’t the longest journey I simply wanted to be on something that wasn’t bouncing all over the place, during the course of the trip there were a number of injuries to crew and  passengers, according to a member of the crew this had been his roughest sailing in 18 years, at the dockside there were a number of ambulances to take away the sick and walking wounded, I approached one of the team dealing with the passengers and he directed me to an actual doctor, I explained about my head, no I hadn’t been drinking, no I hadn’t hit it all the usual questions and I explained it was mainly on and around my left ear, he had a quick look and then sprayed something into my ear, I had a pretty bad ear infection, the spray did wonders (allegedly it was an antibiotic spray) he gave me a prescription for some more antibiotics, he warned me not to drink (oh whoopee) and it should clear up in a couple of days.

On the bus it did seem to be working although my head still felt like it had been kicked repeatedly, we got to our hotel and I asked the receptionist where I could get the prescription filled, she took it from me and said the hotel would get it otherwise it would cost me a fortune, which was nice of her to do this ( at the time I hadn’t bothered to get a European medical card)  I went to bed the lads went to the bar, about an hour after I got to bed there was some urgent knocking at the door and an elderly gentleman was asking me if I was the patient, baffled and confused I realised he was talking about me, yes I am, it was the chemist from the pharmacy, he asked me my symptoms asked what had occurred, but warned me that these were strong antibiotics and I had to take them with food, and absolutely no alcohol , I explained that wasn’t an issue as I had Motorhead playing in my head and drink was the last thing I wanted, I wandered down to get something to eat, and the bar was in full swing, they were having a great time, it was something I was going to have to avoid.

I seem to remember I had some kind of stew; it was nice but I really wasn’t hungry after the boat trip and my head, but I did eat and then went to bed, and slept the sleep of the dead! I got up the next up the next morning, and still felt as rough as a badgers arse, so I showered and headed down for breakfast so that I could take my medication, the receptionist who had took my prescription from me said I still looked as though I had been on the drink, I explained I most certainly hadn’t been, she said she knew because she could see the bar from her desk and although the lads had been loud they hadn’t been naughty, the dreaded European breakfast and not a full English (BOO) and medication taken I headed out for some fresh air and a little walk, I was still walking as though I was walking on the deck of the ferry (badly) but I found a little florist and bought the receptionist a small bunch (of bloody expensive) flowers as a thank you, once the troops were gathered we headed to the venue.

We had lost one of the team due to a broken ankle on the ferry, our merry band started to shrink, to be honest there was only three of us going to see any music the rest were heading into the town simply for a piss up! Thursday was usually a slow day band wise and this year we decided we weren’t going to go any of the smaller venues as we usually ended up walking for miles to see shite! We got to the venue just as the Cab Calloway Revue was just getting started in the foyer , I manged 30 minutes and I did enjoy it my head was battered I admitted defeat and bought some ear plugs, as I arrived back to the venue as Ray Charles was on and although I wouldn’t say I was a fan I did enjoy his set (what I saw of it, by this time I needed food for my medication, I found a great place selling noodles and with a bottle of water I payed around 20 euros (the robbing B*****ds) the noodles were nice though! Then it was on for the main event for me which was George Benson, I’m not a huge fan of his pop stuff, but his jazz sets totally kick serious amounts of arse, my head wasn’t helping but I enjoyed the gig, after the show we bumped into a group of Dutch friends we had met in previous years and they talked us into going to see David Sanborn, I stayed for two numbers it was good but not my cup of tea, I also wanted to have some more food and more meds and then I wanted sleep!

The next morning was a beautiful day and I wandered down for Breakfast (that’s not I would call it) the band of brothers was further depleted by alcohol poisoning with only four actually making it downstairs, food eaten meds taken it was back to the same hall and I enjoyed Bradford Marsalis, again I knew of him but not his music it was short and sweet and I liked it, it helped that my head was feeling better, we wandered around and went to see the Neville brothers who again I liked a couple of tracks but they weren’t happy they kept apologising for the sound it sounded fine to me but I was infected lol. Then we got a big plate of chips more medication and then for the main event of the day which was Robben Ford who played most of his Talk to your daughter album, the gig was great (the best of the whole weekend for me) and we got to chat to him afterwards and he told me some great stuff about Kiss as he played on one track on the Creatures of the Night album ( I was wearing a Kiss t shirt so felt he had to share) we missed Miles Davis due to having the chat to be honest I didn’t really care ( my brother still hates it when I told him I wasn’t bothered I missed him) we wandered back to the hotel and jumped into another venue and caught some the Courtney Pine Quartet, which was clever but definitely not my cup of tea!

Saturday arrived and so did the rain, the meds were working but they were quite strong so I was left feeling a little bit nauseous, back to the same venue and we arrived just as the Andy Summers band set up and they were good, a lot of people don’t realise how good he is, I’m not saying he’s a rock god but listen to some of his phrasings and you simply know how good he is! We wandered around the venue and sat in for a couple of songs by Al Jarreau, again it was nice but that was all, the band were superb, the rest of the day was what I had come to see firstly the Jon Mclauglin Trio, who I had seen at the playhouse in Newcastle a couple of weeks before, it was jazz it was awesome, it was all over my head but I loved it! Next up was Lee Ritenour who I had a couple of his albums and it was almost like a rock gig the venue was filling up nicely, the set was way too short but it was light and enjoyable, time for food and this time it was a bloody massive hot dog and then my meds, I loved every time I walked up to a bar the look on the staffs faces when I ordered a bottle of water.

Then came the biggest disappointment of the whole weekend, the one person I had actually wanted to see, The Jan Ackerman Big Band, I loved this man I always thought his playing was sublime, this was the worst gig in my life the playing was lazy, he didn’t want to be there, he was arguing with the crowd and he buggered off after an hour no encore, even his band were looking at each going WTF! Disappointed I decided against about hanging around and I headed back for more meds and some sleep. As I arrived back to the hotel the bar was once again full and raucous, bed was the right thing to do!

Sunday arrived and my ear and head were getting there I was still staggering a little bit with my balance still affected, but I was 90% better, no more painkillers just the antibiotics, I had had enough of the European breakfast and I headed off to the McDonalds that was across the road, where there a were few wounded rugby players, but they weren’t going down without a fight, some grease was what the wanted, surely that would help them, the ferry back was at 22.00 hours so we hadn’t really chose any acts that we wanted to see but discovered that Pat Metheny was playing in the afternoon with Herbie Hancock playing a lot of material I didn’t know but I enjoyed it, they had fun we had fun everybody won, early evening finish for us we went back to the hotel had some food, packed up and paid our bill, the receptionist thanked me for the flowers I thanked her for the help and explained that I was a lot better because of the meds, the bus arrived and we sat waiting for the rugby players when they arrived there was only nine of them (oh dear) we got on the ferry they disappeared to sleep off the drink, I had my first drink of the weekend, my meds were finished, the trip back to the Tyne was smooth sailing and I slept like a log (no I didn’t wake up in the fire place……that’s meant to be a joke) I jumped on the metro to Newcastle got a bus home I was in the house a little after 09.00. I had a full English for breakfast and then went up to the DR’s (the good old days) to have my ear looked at I was given some more meds that I had to take for the next seven days.

It wasn’t the rowdiest time I spent at this festival but it was the last time that I attended, Later in the year I met the wife and life changed ever so slightly I always intended to go back But both of my friends succumbed to cancer a few years down the line, two healthiest people I ever knew, it just goes to show you, that nobody ever knows, so no it wasn’t a metal weekend, it was all Jazz but it was fun and although I was in the trenches for the first part of the weekend by the end of it I had a great time with some great people, until the next time ……………………Toodles!

Right Here Right Now – 4.

Sleep is the dream.

Sleep is not in the realms of reality.

Sleep is what is required.

The last seven months has been awful for my sleeping patterns!

I used to be able to get plenty of sleep, these days I can float through the daylight hours like a zombie! I have been averaging less than four hours sleep a night, only occasionally do I get more than five and a half, then I pad about my house like an intruder looking for something to cause mischief. I wouldn’t say that I am tired as such just in a casual kind of a daze, thankfully I can powernap when I travel to and from work, so that’s an average of at least one more hour, I know I’m not really sleeping but it does help bring a little sharpness into my focus.

I have actually tried a few different methods to improve my sleep, none have worked so far, it’s a ghastly nightmare especially when I have always been such a good sleeper, I wouldn’t complain if I could have a couple of extra hours at the weekend and by that I mean in bed asleep not like some drunken uncle in my chair in the living room, just a little something extra to pep up my life battery so to speak, I’ll take whatever I can get, as long as I can rest, I’m sick of being awake at 3.30 in the morning looking for any old film to watch to fill my time before I head off to work!

Monday was lousy, up early got to work then around 12.30 I could feel life draining out of me, I made the decision to go home I didn’t feel well (that’s the first time I felt like that) thankfully fresh air perked me up, but I almost didn’t make it home I was so worn out, I literally dropped my bag in the living room climbed the wooden hill and was asleep as soon as I hit the mattress, I awoke 150 minutes later not knowing what day it was, what the time was or even which planet I was on, did I feel refreshed? Kind of, but not enough, I was praying that the little snooze wouldn’t affect my nightly attempt, thankfully it didn’t I was awake again 03.10 the next morning, back to being a zombie.

I’m not really complaining, I simply have no clue as to why my body is giving me a kicking, I’m eating healthy, had no alcohol in nearly a year, maybe that’s it I need seven pints and massive full kebab, I doubt it, my body would wake me from my golden slumbers at the usual time and tell me to move my bleeding arse.

Ah well it could be worse, as long as I have my hair and my looks………………………hang on a minute!

I will be back soon not refreshed…………. until then Toodles!

Beast of Burden.

So, this blog has been brewing in the back of mind for the last six weeks or so, I feel the need to get it out of my head and then to move on, every time I do something to get rid of it, it seems to come back stronger.

I know I’m not in the best frame of mind at the moment nor at my worst either what with work, family issues and my general health and mental health its all been kind of crap, my sleep routine isn’t helping either and everything I seem to do to correct it doesn’t seem to make a damn bit of difference, put it all into a pot and it is definitely a recipe for disaster, to be honest I have been fighting a losing battle for what seems like months now, not a total all out disintegration on my part, small time skirmishes that never seem to die out, I am fighting the good fight and mentally I feel stronger than I have done in years, but it does wears you down, thank god for music to soothe the savage beast (ok I’m not that savage these days).

Bob has been getting ever closer (see previous blogs for clarity) and though he hasn’t committed to a full-on assault I know he is there and I’m edgy because of it, the constant being on edge is not helping my mental health, which again is feeding my lack of sleep which in itself is feeding the edginess. But I keep plodding on, I keep swinging away at all of the targets that come within striking distance, and all the while Bob just lies there out in the trees waiting for the best moment, he knows its not yet, its almost like a hot summers day when you can feel the storm about to roll in and break, but you have no idea when it’s going to hit.

Ok so let’s do this one thing at a time, work, well I was in a team of three with a heavy workload, now I’m in a team of one with a huge workload, again its like playing whack a mole, and I’m not going down without a fight, its not helping my sleep  as my brain just seems to be trying to work out resolutions to work and the busy schedule trying to accommodate everybody and the needs of the role! As always the needs of others come before mine, and I know that’s my issue nobody else’s , it’s the way I operate, I always have and always will, it’s the same for the family, I worry about the wife I worry about the kids and I really worry about one of my grandchildren, diagnosed with ADHD and autism throw in a helping of Tourette’s well it’s a prescription for disaster, he has his flare ups and at times I have no idea how to help him, I have no idea how his mother gets through her days, at times he is a complete hand full, I would say 90% of the time he is with us he is fine, but he has his moments and although I try my best to help him, my best simply is not always good enough!

All of my health issues keep kicking me fair and square in the butt, my diabetes is what it always is, crap, but my nurse says that I am getting better, I’m still struggling to lose weight, but I try every day and the last couple of weeks is me trying to strengthen my resolve with some success, my mental health thanks to Bob hasn’t been so lucky although again I have been putting up a strong defence, I haven’t lost any ground but I haven’t gained any either, its like a shark circling all day every day, and slowly very slowly getting closer and closer to me, I was hoping my weeks leave was going to repair my leaky boat, I haven’t been successful……yet, but I also haven’t given up, my knees are as they were, thankfully I wasn’t kicked off the surgeons list (as I was expecting) I have been given a further spell of time to lose the required weight ( and I am determined to do that). But if you put everything together, I know I’m losing the battle, I feel like there is an episode coming at me and I have all of my defences on full alert, you can only maintain your defences on high alert for so long before something bad happens!

Hopefully me venting my spleen is going to go some way to resolve some of my issues, and they are mine, I’m not down about this, I simply feel lethargic and yes I have been writing (as a way of venting steam) but its this particular blog that I keep coming back to (this is my fourth attempt, the others were really bleak and that’s not the picture I wish to paint) it, the weekend is coming towards me and I simply want to relax and have a peaceful time, I’m not sure how I can achieve that but I do know I’m going to have a damn good try!

Life has also been throwing my past in my face, the name from the “Girls” blog (who I wont name) has been popping up in the “people you may know” section of Farcebook that’s a curve ball I can do without, and no I haven’t cyber stalked her, she has managed quite well without me in her sphere of influence, and I intend to keep it that way, its also been throwing up people who I can’t stand, and I really don’t want to go there at all, I didn’t like them before and I certainly don’t like them now, its almost like the algorithm is having fun at my expense, bless it.

I’m hoping that once this is posted my writing can attempt to go back to normal, I am working on a couple of things at the moment including a new version of “Now Hear This” as the questions are piling up from you the discerning reader! I have a couple of musical things in the works, and I know that Ozzy Osbourne has passed there’s not going to one about him as I have little to say on the subject, I am a fan, I like most of his music, I have seen him a couple of times, here’s hoping that he is now at peace and I hope that the family can move on.

The blogs themselves have done nearly 24000 hits in the last eight weeks and I have no idea who has been reading them, it is what it is, there is no name game this edition, if there is a song out there I don’t care, I called it this because of “Bob”  here’s hoping that someone offers me a writing  job because of it (unlikely but one has to dream) so thanks to everybody who has been reading and hopefully enjoying the previous blogs and hopefully they will stick around for the future ones, so stay safe stay alive and I will be back before you know it, well allegedly as  I always make promises that I can never keep, so until then……….TOODLES!

Four on the Floor – Kiss.

 

This is one blog that has the potential to polarise the entire readership, love them or loathe them, people have very much an opinion on the group once described the Little Richards of Rock!

Me well I fall into the love them, I can still remember when my brother got Kiss Alive for Christmas and I let him hog the record player most of the day as I fell in love with this band! to be honest Kiss Alive is still my favourite album by them, it’s a straight ten out of ten, so I have disqualified the album from this list as I simply cannot be more biased about it, so I will come back to it in a bit.

To be honest there’s only one album I don’t care about and that is Pyscho Circus, I don’t hate it but I simply don’t care for the whole album as a package, the rest do rotate out of my top five Kiss albums on a daily basis with the exception of Kiss Alive, but I already told you that! So, if we were to do a list of the albums it would be the bottom of all of the Kiss albums, the only thing I can say with any certainty I didn’t care when members left, I simply got on board with the Stanley Simmons point of view, that the band is greater than the members, and I didn’t care when Criss and Frehley rejoined enjoyed Carr, Vincent, Kulick, Singer when they joined.

Kiss – Creatures of the Night 9.0/10.

Now  is this their best studio no, but it’s the album that is burned into my brains from the first listen, some of the songs are a bit…..poor, but I didn’t care, simply listen to Eric Carr’s drums throughout the whole bloody album they are simply awesome, it was a statement of intent to rock or get crushed as they ran over you, this is probably the most consistent album I probably do play this album on any playlist I play it at least twice  a week, and I do play a lot of music! It’s not the most polished production either but the whole album gels and simply ROCKS!

Kiss – Unmasked 8.5/10.

An album I loved from day one, I remember is that you being an opening track on the Friday rock show when the album was released, (do you remember the Friday rock show… TV on the Radio) yes it’s a pop album, so what, it’s the reason why I like the band they never hang their hat on any peg, they are always trying something different, I love the production, and I had the album cover on a dodgy t shirt that I wore until it fell to bits, there’s a couple of  tracks that I simply love (Tomorrow and What makes the world go around) hey even Torpedo girl is funny and only Ace could get away with, it should have sold more than it did!

Kiss – Rock n Rollover 8.5/10.

The first album I actually bought by the band, I bought it the week after Dynasty came out and I was simply hooked, great cover great songs the whole package the last three songs on the album are simply stunning and take my breath away a great rock band, and then came the sophistication that was Dynasty and that really did blow my mind, I didn’t believe that it could have been the same band I love both albums just for completely different reasons.

Kiss – Revenge- 8.5/10.

After wandering a little from Kiss did best this was a true return to form even Simmons was back in the groove with Unholy, Spit and Domino, it all made sense, Bob Ezrin got them back to what they did best play as a band and have fun yes fun but with a capital F,I didn’t care much for the cover but that wasn’t what I bought it for, it was what was in the grooves, it delivered what the band were all about and the stage show and set list on the tour were pretty damn good as well!

To be honest it’s hard to separate any of them (including Carnival of Souls) I could rewrite this blog every single day and come up with something different every single day, and yes I know I haven’t mentioned The elder or destroyer or Love Gun or Lick it Up and all the others, I have friends who are more fanatical than I am, got more copies and different versions of the albums/singles/Cd’s I get that there are people who seen them more than me (9 times in total) but I do love them they are a guilty pleasure that I revel in.

One thing that I will say and it gets me into so much trouble, but its still my fave Kiss song, what’s that I hear you all cry……Kissing Time, a throw away track but I love it, it should have closed every single gig, ha what do I know!

Right Here Right Now Part 3.

Well, that seemed to hit the mark it’s been doing good numbers and is still going strong, why this blog now, well I wanted to get some stuff about the last blog off my chest as there has been a number of comments, both good and bad, so here we go!

So, I blogged and it kind of took off, sometimes those types of blogs do, I have no idea why, they just do, and its one where people want to have their say, well kind of! Mainly it was nice, but I did take some shit, why should you be bothered what I write about something from 45 years ago, so if you sent a shitty opinion FOXTROT OSCAR! I write for me not for you, I had something on my chest and I wanted it off.

I blog for my own mental health and it works for me, go figure, because that’s all I’m trying to do, it wasn’t a woe is me type of blog, it was more of a what if blog. Part of the reason I don’t allow the general viewer to see what’s posted is because some people write shite, its not about you and although I’m venting my spleen here, I can because its my page for my blogs, funny that, if you think I’m going to give you oxygen to air your thoughts on my life, you must be a bigger cock womble that I had assumed, bless you! I would say around 98% of the reply’s were supportive, not that I was asking for any I was simply saying I had had a dream.

I wasn’t saying I wanted to get back with the person I wrote about I was simply explaining that I would like to apologise (no its not a weakness its good manners) for the way we ended, as it happens the person popped up on another friends farcebook page and she look incredibly happy in her life, good luck to her and her family, I love my wife I have no desire to be with anybody else, after 34 years its safe to say we are happy as well, well sometimes we are!

So the next blog will be a musical one, yes it will, how do I know because I wrote it before this one, but I feel the need to get this one out, is it about music it most certainly is, it’s a Four on the Floor blog about Kiss, see I have broken my cardinal rule I have given spoilers out, I might polish it a little but it should be online by Monday, too many blogs at once damages the numbers, and we all know how I obsess about numbers, so thank you for the likes the reads and any sensible comments on the last one, I think it has a way to go yet but hey ho back to the salt mines of blog writing……………………Toodles!

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Wow, after a long night’s sleep, which is unusual for me, I had a head full of dreams and  just a few regrets, I awoke later than I normally would and for once I haven’t felt the need to play music, I’m not down I just have a head full of thoughts regarding my dream, which was vivid and strong, strangely I seem to remember most of it.

It primarily deals with people I no longer see, people from school, friends that were and the odd person who wasn’t a friend, I wish I had wrote notes as its fading like the tide as it pulls away from the shore, yes it involves that person from the “Girls” blog and there is something tantamount to regret residing along with that memory, maybe if I could/would/had said sorry the memory could fade, it was and still is the biggest regret of my life!

I wasn’t a bad kid, slightly hyperactive at times, basically I wanted people to like me, the desertion of my father bit harder than I realised and after a course of cognitive behaviour therapy later on in life, of which I had for other issues being discussed, my father was spoken of by the therapist and I was gently nudged to understand that I did have issues at that point that have largely (even now) gone unresolved, I have had no contact with my father since Christmas eve ( I have mentioned it in previous blogs) 1973, again I just got (typical male behaviour) on with it, or so I thought I did, and I don’t blame him for any of my woes, but someone to teach me how to use the tiller in my boat of life might just have made it a better sailing experience for me and all the people in my sphere of friendship.

I recently found out that he died in 1990, not a lot I can do to resolve the relationship, I wasn’t shocked or saddened, I barely remember him, I didn’t hate him then I don’t hate him now, I simply don’t understand how you can walk out and have no further contact with “family” actually I can, again as I have said previously being in this family is like being a member of the CIA, too many secrets and not enough leaks, with only one member of the family I could ask these days left alive, maybe my brother might have insights but I don’t want open that particular can of worms, I doubt I am going to resolve any of this anytime soon, especially as they fucked me off over thirty years ago when all of the cast members were alive! That’s not what this blog is about although no doubt many of the seeds of my time were unknowingly sown at that part of my life, I do feel that many members of my family have hidden or even lied about the events that led to this cataclysmic incident, again because family matters are rarely discussed even now, if done with my brother it sometimes feels like we are playing passy the parcel with an unpinned hand grenade!  

The people from school gave me a happy feeling inside, again I recognise some of my traits were not good, not bad either I simply wanted people to like me, I didn’t really know how to interact in situations with other family groups, I have been told by people that some parents thought I was a little wild, and there’s me thinking I was being adult like and well behaved, it puts your childhood into a different perspective on how people perceived you, I’m glad I’m not in therapy now as it would go on forever, as a youngster I was prone to temper tantrums, thankfully I have mellowed as I got older, nowadays I simply want a quiet life, I suppose many people might not recognise the person they went to school with, maybe they would but hopefully a better version and not the angry young man that I was. I can still do angry, something I don’t care for and something I always regret afterwards, not for others but purely for me, because I know I’m better than that or I should be.

The dream that started this retrospective was I met the person from the “Girls” blog and we discussed everything and I apologised for anything that I did at the time, at that age I had a tendency to say “Fuck it” and damn the consequences, what a silly boy I was, because obviously they are still with me all these years down the line obviously they appear to be magnified to me as I sail along, having said that this is the only relationship that I miss in a serious way, we were young she treated me like a human being and I was a mixed up kid who thought that the nice things in life didn’t last, I know that they don’t, people grow up and move on, I miss my friends from this era and yes we speak to each other if we bump into each other, but they move on and there is no connection, that is something else I don’t understand, was I such a dick (don’t tell me I’m heartbroken enough over the loss of these people in my life) I could go knock on some doors and say sorry for whatever I may have done, they could also look at me as though I’m some kind of lunatic and wonder what the hell I am talking about, seeing as I haven’t done anything wrong, and they simply got on with their lives while I haven’t!

At the age that am, I have no understanding of how life works at all, I have bimbled through life with no real idea about anything other than being angry, thankfully this happens far less now as I realise, what’s the point? My brother who was one of the most anti-social people in life has adjusted to life and talks to millions ( a slight exaggeration I know)of people but he sees people in the street and says I went to school with them (in different years) he asks me all the time if I remember so and so and unfortunately I don’t remember them at all, I have been recently diagnosed with prosopagnosia (Brad Pitt suffers from it , I wonder if we are related?) its face blindness, maybe this has been the root of all my issues, LOL I doubt it, but at this stage in my life I will clutch at any straws that might resolve the issues in my poor demented head!

So, what’s the point of this blog? I have not a bloody clue, I simply like millions of other people wish to be happy, I want to know that I haven’t caused anybody else any harm, I wish to know that the people who I called friends at school have had a good and productive life, I do genuinely miss them, If by saying sorry resolves any issues that I may have caused or simply have been oblivious about, well I am sorry from the bottom of my heart, now I am clever enough to know that none of these people and the person who the dream was about last night never read this blog, in truth I know very little about the people who read the blog other than I see where the readers originate from (however with the use of VPN’s these days it could all be lies) sometimes I gaze into the belly button of life, as always not the blog  as was in my head this morning, but its nice after all the years of horrible repetitive dreams that I had in my younger days, its nice to have something with a positive outcome, shame it will never happen in real life, as the world conveniently slinks me in the present day, I’m not a bad person honestly, and if you did know me when I was younger, approach me and tell me what I did wrong, I will probably apologise profusely!

Well, that felt good to get off my chest (I think) the world keeps turning and I will plod on in life again thanks to everybody who has been reading the past blogs the numbers are starting to slow down but I don’t care as I am very happy with what we have had, stay safe, stay alive and until the next blog (definitely a musical one) ………………Toodles!

Dark Days in Paradise.

I have discovered that we are not living in a brave new world, that was going to be the name of this blog until I discovered that I had already used it, so I thought of a better one, it’s rather more apt.

Life has taken a turn for the worst for some reason, I have been pretty much jolly since the beginning of the year, trying to be positive, trying to be helpful, just generally being a good egg, now it hasn’t been easy there are some complete trumpets out there in the world, and they have succeeded in dragging me down! It seems to start with the little things, it’s always the little things, it’s like water it finds someplace to get into and causes absolute chaos!

Since the beginning of this week there has been generally  a gloomy feeling as the day progress’s, the more I deal with people the more I despair for the people on this planet, and to be honest I don’t care for the bulk of them they bring it on themselves, the intention here is for me to rant, get everything off my chest, something I need to do as everything caught up with me this morning and I had an angina episode, nothing that was going to send me up the stairway, but enough for me to go “ow”.

Work has turned to treacle, and again I don’t intend to go into too much detail as that’s what got me wound up in the first instance, I like my job, I like 99.9% of the people but just because they are educated, it doesn’t mean that they are clever, its just me now instead of two gophers and an engineer, now its simply one gopher and the workload has exploded, there are some cunning plans, it’s not like they aren’t trying to resolve the issues, it simply wont be resolved over night (a lottery win would resolve it), I was fighting the good fight and was doing alright until I was pulled aside yesterday and I was told that there had been a complaint, I started racking my brain because this job is way different than my last job, although I was a good boy there, I still tended to reply before my brain had engaged “adult answer” this job “adult answer” is permanently engaged, or so I thought, it was explained as I was teaching when discussing arson and the people who perpetrate it I called them” NEDs” that’s None educated Delinquents, and somebody had taken offence, if they had heard my response when I was told they would have been really offended, I wanted to go and hunt them down, but my anger soon subsided and pity flooded my brain, as I thought how petty they had to be, put it played on my brain and I left work as soon as I possibly could, I got home and I wasn’t in my best mood, I apologised to wife, but the mood stuck with me and I fell asleep in the chair downstairs for the longest sleep in nearly three months (over seven hours if anybody is interested).

I awoke to my alarm sounding something that hasn’t happened in nearly four years and although groggy I knew that my mood hadn’t lifted, I had the desire to build a cupboard under the stairs and crawl into and ignore the world, unfortunately I had to get my big boy pants on and suck it up, I got myself sorted and set off for my bus (yes I’m a bus wanker) and the vibe I gave off meant absolutely nobody sat anywhere near me, I got to my halfway point then changed buses after a twenty minute wait (in the old days I would have simply walked the distance in that time) we got on but by the forth stop all the bells and whistles were going and the driver jumped out in shock, he was straight on the phone but ignored everybody so about 95% of us got off, most people seemed to close to their destination, I had a three quarters of a mile to walk so I set off slowly (its my only speed these days) ten minutes later the same bloody bus passed me, I wasn’t happy and my mood was out of the cellar and digging to the earth’s core, I trudged on in pain but I was determined that I wasn’t going to be late.

Halfway there when I was as low as I could I bumped into a member of staff going in the opposite direction, their professionalism lifted my spirits, a brief chat nothing serious just the weather and where was I heading but it relit the spark and I was back trudging (what like felt) up the mountain, I got there just as the security team ( I had mentioned that I may not got in the building and that nice lady had tried to organise me a lift as well as assist me in to gain entry to the building) got there and we exchanged insults as we English tend to do, that’s how we get through life, we had a bit of banter and they cracked on, I chuckled as I entered the building (my pass did get me in) the staff on site were super helpful and that’s when God decided he would have a little fun and I’m glad I was sitting down as my angina kicked in! again the staff were super attentive (I’m ok its only indigestion……erm not!).

Thankfully when the angina faded away (yes I used my spray) I got on with the job in hand and was soon finished the inspection part, the writing up will take longer (all 34 pages) but my mood was lifting, not joyous, but better, thankfully there was no “Bob” (please see previous blogs) I think even he sensed I would have tore him a new arse if he had tried his shenanigans! The thing that has affected my mood is that I don’t feel as though I belong, I feel as though I’m not good enough for the people around me, I’m not sure that I want to belong, if I’m being brutally honest, who knows, I know I certainly don’t!

My feelings of unhappiness were certainly at a high tidal mark ( I just hope it hasn’t left a stain) in the scheme of things , thankfully as they return to a normal level( again I’m not happy but I’m not as unhappy as I was) I need to give my head a shake and get on with things simply for the benefit of every one else, the youngest is here helping out and her and the wife have gone swimming (that’s a good thing for the wife) so I need to complete all of my work tasks, well most of them, then onto plotting new cunning plans and raids across foreign shores (that just means we actually leave the house to do something other than food shop), I didn’t have a plan for a blog as the numbers have been going through the roof and I was distracted, maybe that’s why I have been down so much this week, don’t worry normal service may/will return in the coming weeks.

Thank you to all the people who have been reading the old blogs and have been leaving comments, no they don’t show on the blogs anymore as I have them hidden and I don’t respond to them unless I do Now Hear This type of blog, so stop pestering me and watch this space, the weekend is coming over the hills and across the moors the hurricane is potentially coming to visit (that will bring cheer to this miserable old git) oh I need to be careful there could be complaints about my language , so onwards watch the skies for incoming please stay safe and stay alive until the next time………………..Toodles!  

Man on the Edge.

For some reason I have had this song in my head all week, I have no reason why, I mean I’m not even a big fan of it, I simply can’t seem to shake the bloody thing!

So yes, the name game is in play for anybody who wants to play along, the only real bright spot in my life at the moment is the numbers for the blog, simple things for a simple man, I know I said it before you all piled in.

The title could have been any number of songs, but generally I seem to be falling an awful lot of late both figuratively and actually! We keep getting curve balls thrown at us, and although we seem to dodge most of them, it still seems to gets us on the rebound, I have tried to be good, but life keeps kicking me in the butt.

Work seems like I am the mole in whack a mole and it’s only going to get worse; I also didn’t win the EuroMillions this week so there’s no sign of my escape planning coming to fruition, well not yet! I took a slight tumble as I tried to motivate myself to get to a bus stop in time for me to make a connection, however it turns out the bus I saw and thought was going to take me to my destination went the other way and my futile attempt to pick up speed simply made me look like the old man that I have become, copious amounts of painkillers got me through the next 24 hours, go figure!

I realise that I’m no longer the world class (cough splutter) athlete that I once was, but my ego has been seriously delated in the last few months! We initially had a bit of good fortune but it’s still tempered with the ongoing saga of the crap with the estate of the kraken, which two years down the line is really starting to annoy me and its simply not helping the wife and her grieving, it’s like a scab that just as it heals gets ripped off and we have to start all over again, Legal people have one speed…..SLOW! the wife sorted out 99% of the issues within 14 days here we are 24 months later and the issue still isn’t resolved, we wont see any money out of it, we don’t care,  we simply wanted to clear the debt, all the while interest is still accruing I still say we should wash our hands of it and walk away, we have spent over a thousand pounds of our money paying for things including insurance, I keep getting told that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I have a sneaky feeling it’s an oncoming train!

Music still is a massive part of my emotional blanket, I’m glad I don’t drive, simply as I drift off into the memories that surface while listening, one of the main joys this week is the remastered version of Queen’s debut album with an added track I must have played it more than half a dozen times, but I still go back to when I first heard it in 1974, who knew it would still be with me all these years later, I have to admit that six of the first seven Queen albums have been in heavy rotation this week, you have to rely on the classics!

A number of cunning plans keep resurfacing this week we simply have to pick one and walk briskly with it, I would say run but neither myself or the wife can…...at the moment! The wife is coming up on the outside lane with a dodgy knee (in a manner of speaking) I can’t say I sympathise, as I am suffering just as bad, as I set off to work to complete yet another 10000 to 18000 steps carrying a 23.9 KG bag ( I know its 24 KG it’s a two person lift and there’s only me so go figure) I have to tell myself telling her to “Suck it Buttercup” would probably see me stop breathing in the middle of the night, I might be dumb but I sure ain’t stupid (erm……).

So, that’s another blog complete let’s see if the numbers continue to rise, I don’t care as it something of a mystery why all of a sudden people start to read the back editions of the blog, but over 5000 hits in the last week is a bloody good mystery for me to have, so until the next one stay safe and stay alive, but for now it’s Toodles!

Right Here Right Now. Part 2.

Life seems to be one long cluster fuck after another at the moment, in my home life, Work, my Health, you name it, its circling the drain, but I’m not going down without a fight!

Work, there was/is redundancies, I was told I was safe, but my opo went and now my boss who was knocked back has left anyway, he went and got another job and is away so that leaves me, all by myself (I’m sure that there’s a song in there somewhere) yeah with the way my health is, let’s just say it’s getting interesting!

My Home Life, well there’s always drama in and around us, not between me and the wife, just nothing going according to plan, the wife has severe health issues and is now following me down the route of having a dodgy knee, I’m not being helpful as I suffer every day, me simply saying suck it up buttercup hasn’t helped at all…….OOPS!

My health is as crap as ever, I did have a rant at the last appointment saying I was doing everything that they have asked me to do with little or no success, to say I’m a bit miffed is an understatement, and a stern message was delivered, do something that will help or I will go off reservation and I don’t give a damn on the consequences! The staff are great, however they are following the party line, they know my feelings and they know I will follow through with my promise!

About the only thing that’s been doing well is this, the blog itself, for some reason peeps have been reading back issues and the numbers are through the roof, and I have no idea why!

Technology isn’t helping as my laptop has gone through a number of upgrades and now it seems to do whatever it likes, admittedly this particular laptop is 14 years old and all though I do have a couple of newer ones this is the one that appears to act as my muse, unfortunately most of the various platforms that I interact with peeps seem to not want to talk to me, so if you have been conversing with me and are not now, blame technology and not the luddite operating this fine piece of technology!

And that’s me disappearing down the rabbit hole, trying to gain some semblance of sanity, to be honest at the moment I really don’t give a rat’s ass about most things, but my bilge pump has stopped working and soon I’ll be drowning and not waving! People seem to like this type of blog 500 words and under so lets see how this one does, the last music one did above average and I have another nearly finished so hopefully will be along before to lo soon, so on that note, thanks for the peeps doing the reading, watch this space as there is more on the way soon!

Four on the Floor – Uriah Heep.

I have to admit to liking most variations of Uriah Heep, the only album I can honestly say I don’t like is Conquest (the first album ever recorded digitally fact fans) I like John Sloman as a vocalist, I simply didn’t like that album, so here we go my four Favourite Heep albums.

Uriah Heep – Demons and Wizards 1972.     8/10.

I heard this and the album Return to Fantasy on the same day ( on the day of release for the latter, and Demons and Wizards pip it at the post, I was never a huge fan of David Byron’s voice, it was OK on record but the live stuff I heard it was slightly off, he was a nice enough as I met him when he played at the Mayfair and Robin George was his guitarist, but I loved a couple of tracks on this album, The Wizard is still my fave Byron track/vocal and the whole album is pretty consistent musically and production wise, remember this was in the days when they used to release an album every six months.

Uriah Heep – Innocent Victim 1977.    8/10.

I like all of the albums (all three of them) that John Lawton sang on, even if he did look a little (ahem) dodgy this is the pick of the three, a little more “poppy” if you can believe it especially when it has a track like Free N Easy on it and my fave track with Lawton vocals on “Choices”, I don’t think the audience took him either, great voice but quite wrong image wise, I think that was because of the fact that they were never off the road so the light weight material was easy to produce, I still love Innocent Victim, I know some people who didn’t care for it, however it’s my choice so there you go!

Uriah Heep – Abominog 1982.     9.5/10.

My favourite vocalist and my favourite Heep album, a layoff while they considered their options, no Ken Hensley to bully them into recording his songs, mainly outside writers, and it rocked like a train with no brakes barrelling down hill to destruction, there was enough pace and shade, the only reason it loses from top marks is the production (which I do like) by Ashley Howe was a little muted in parts, I cant think of a single bad track, Pete Goalby sings like an angel again we got three albums before another change of vocalist, but in my eyes this is the perfect album!

Uriah Heep – Wake the Sleeper 2008.   9/10.

I have to admit that the band got off to a rocky start with Bernie Shaw singing, again I like him as a singer I simply didn’t care for the first couple of albums, dodgy production, dodgy record labels, something Mick Box realised, then he took the band by the scruff of the neck and give them a bloody good shake I remember blasting this album to death for nearly a month in my old job, the office was blasted morning noon and early evening I loved it to death and if I’m honest they haven’t done a bad album since, but this is the pick  of the crop for me.

So, there you go I had fun listening to the discography, I always knew which four albums I was going to choose, but you have to play the game don’t you, so until the next time stay safe , stay alive and well……..Toodles!

Right Here Right Now 1.

Ok so, I’m intending to do a series of small blogs, (hopefully no more than 500 words) a kind of thoughts of the day, the intention is to try and clear some of the deadwood that’s blocking the highways of my brain, yes the name game is in play but only for the first one and they will be named the same but numbered after this one!

My thoughts of today have primarily been about work and sleep, work the amount that is coming down the road in my direction, and sleep is about how very little I seem to be getting no matter how many cunning attempts I do to try and resolve the issue.

Work is well strange there has been a round of redundancies and I’m not one of them, let’s see what happens in the coming months, I’m relieved at the moment but lets see what the reality is six months down the line, we struggle with three of us in the team, so going down to two is going to be……Difficult!

As for my sleeping habits I’m averaging about 3 to 4 hours a night but with the potential to have small crashes throughout the day, I was at a symposium earlier in the week and yes you guessed it I fell asleep, if only for a couple of moments, but I still fell asleep, a worse one was I was on the bus home and one stop from the main bus station, we stopped at the lights and I was awake, I was asleep by the time we pulled away, yup you guessed it I was fast asleep just long enough to be half way down front street in Gimpsville, thankfully I managed to escape but was in a lot of pain by the time I climbed the hill to my humble abode, I’m starting to get tetchy (me with my reputation who knew) about the lack of sleep, watch this space, I have a feeling that this could get mentioned just a little bit more in the weeks ahead!

As for my weight that I have to lose so I can get my knee replacement, let’s just say’ I’m not eating a lot and not losing a lot, it’s at this point I have to be aware of the potential of me to start grazing through being depressed about the situation, I’m an adult I know that it won’t help but I find it hard to stop once the ball starts rolling! Worse is the fact if I don’t graze “Bob” will return with a pack of hounds to gnaw at my sanity, so there you have it more to come in the coming weeks, short and sweet with a couple of large ones in between, and look at this I brought it in, in under 500 words how good is that, see you all later but until then …... Toodles!

Four on the Floor – Anthony Gomes, Samantha Fish, Candice Night, Dio.

Ok so you know the drill, three relatively new releases and a classic, strap yourselves in it’s been a while! This blog is a lot later than intended simply as I have spent a lot longer reviewing/playing  these releases and consequently the scores have changed a number of times with the exception of one of them, here goes.

Anthony Gomes – Praise the Loud.   9/10.

This is the one that the score never changed, from the get go I liked it a lot, I’m late to the game and even missed him when he played over here earlier in the year, I won’t make that mistake again, but lets get to the album, it’s by a man who can sing and play the guitar, it’s nothing new, but I like it, I like the songs, I like the playing, I love the production, its an old fashioned album, and that’s probably why I like it so much, 12 songs clocking in at 42 minutes, it gets in it gets out and he even wipes his feet as he leaves, if you were to look in the dictionary under Power trio, there would be a picture of Anthony and his band! Is it going to change the world? No, it isn’t but it will bring a smile to your face because this is what music should be about……FUN! In the coming weeks I shall be having his back catalogue on in my headphones in heavy rotation, so far this year this is the top of the pile, I mean I know its only May but let’s see where we are at, at the end of the year!

Samantha Fish - Paper Doll.   4/10.

The disappointment of the year so far! I found about this young lady with her last album Faster, a cracking album again old school blues/rock, I liked it and I followed her career with a lot of interest watching live stuff on YouTube whenever something popped up. I saw the adverts for this album and waited with baited breath, and then it felt like my balloon had not been popped but deflated, I have played this album most out of the four being reviewed, and I simply don’t get it, I simply don’t like it, the score that I have given it is a damn lot better than I first did, primarily because I have seen a couple of numbers pop up online, and they work well live, the thing that I simply cant get my head around is the production, this is why I have gone back to it so much simply to see if I have missed something, I still like the artist, but this is 9 songs and 36 minutes I doubt I will go back to, I have played it around about twenty times since its release, its just not for me, hey what do I know I’m only reviewing it,  I will definitely be playing her back catalogue more than this unfortunately, a great artist but this to me is a misstep.

Candice Night – Sea Glass.   7/10.

Another album I have played quite a bit to get my head around, not that I was expecting a Blackmore’s Night type of album, well its kind of is, but not! Let me explain, I love her voice it’s like honey, and after seeing live her a number of times live I think she is quite a nice live performer as well, at ease on stage  friendly with the audience and takes no crap off Mr B, yes it’s not what I would call a rock album, but it could have been, the score for this album has gone up by one, down by one, in the end I decided to go with the middle ground, what’s missing from this album is a guitarist, go figure, I get why Mr B isn’t doodling away, it’s to let Candice have her own identity, not everybody is going to like the album, but its well-played, produced and sang with sincerity, she believes in the album, however the song Last Goodbye is a classic and it helps save the album from being one dimensional, there’s not a lot of variety style wise and there’s nothing wrong with that, and the instrumental Dark Carnival is screaming out for some bloody riffage, hopefully they will add some words and guitar and add it to the next Blackmores Night album, if it was a school report it would say could try harder, I know there’s tons of people who like her voice as she has guested on quite a few albums, go on get some guitar on the next one! Will I follow her career after Mr B finally? yes I will but it has to be something a little more special than this, its close but not quite there!

Dio – Holy Diver Remastered.   8.5/10.

I’m suspecting I might get some grief for this one, but before you jump in and bite my head off let’s see what my reasoning is. I am a fan of the album always have been however I hated the original production/mix of it I always thought it sounded “muddy” for the want of a better description, I also didn’t like the last song “Shame on the Night” it had filler stamped all over it, a couple of the other songs were not helped with the production, but hey that was just my opinion, so I was travelling to work looking for something to calm me down before heading into the new work space we were being moved to, and what was sat there? Well, it had been a while and so I decided to play it just a little bit loud (in headphones on the bus) it needed to be loud as I have explained as the sound was “Muddy” well this certainly wasn’t it was off like a whippet strapped to a motorbike, ye gods what has happened here, after a bit of research (Apple isn’t the best at putting the info on its pages) I discovered this was the 2012 edition remastered by Andy Pearce, and its like a brand new album, I was surprised but understood why Martin Birch wasn’t the man for the album (he was producing a young punk band called Iron Maiden at the time of recording) all of the songs have benefitted from the new spit and polish, well nearly all I still think “Shame on the Night” should have been relegated to a B Side like Evil Eyes was at the time, but what do I know a couple of million people bought the album (guilty as charged), I’m glad I came back to it, its still not my favourite album by Dio, I feel more grief coming for that but you know what, opinions are like arseholes, we all have one!

Enjoy the first of more musical and historical ones on the horizon, honest I get distracted easily …ooh look a butterfly, until the next time……. Toodles!

Time.

I have always been obsessed about time since I was a little boy and as I get older it would appear that I am getting more and more obsessed, me with my reputation go figure!

I was taught to tell the time before I could read a book, watches, clocks, items that tell time have always been a source of fascination, at one point in our house we had in excess of fourteen clocks of all shapes and sizes, I do admit to wish I had managed to talk the wife into having a grand Father or Mother clock (no joy boo hoo) I have had a number of watches over the years, my first being a Timex for my third birthday, I have only recently given up a watch I received for my twenty first (from my first wife) because there is no one locally who can fix it or source parts for it, I checked the original seller who I still know, he hadn’t seen parts for this watch for over fifteen years (shame as I do like the watch) but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a couple that need batteries, a Seiko Kinetic is my main watch these days but I do tend to wear my fit bit (cheap knock off) all the time except for in the bath or charging, sad I know! I’m not a lover of really expensive watches, I can appreciate them, I could never indulge in them, they are too much like technology and people know what I am like with technology!

Why the rambling opening? well time pretty much rules me, I hate it if I am late (I mean I really do get angry if I’m late) if a bus is late I tut, I have gotten used to the wife and her time keeping, I simply work around it, I don’t get angry anymore as I simply factor in her skill set, I’m obsessed with timings of things length of songs/albums, bus journey’s, length of time I need to factor in when walking these days (now that does annoy me since I have become a cripple)  my first holiday with the wife and eldest daughter I was told I couldn’t wear a watch (I bought one on the plane on the runway)as I get older I know that the beauty of time is slowly robbing me of the very thing I obsess about…….TIME!

I realise that at various points in my life I have wasted vast tracts of time with work and then even more work,  (unfortunately we needed money so I had to work long hours) I missed some (not all) important parts of my daughter’s lives, I also had some pretty great moments in both of their lives, with more still to come. I missed time with my own family, with friends and most of all myself, is he mad I hear you ask, whenever “Bob” turns up that time is lost from the madness that envelops my brain with a kind of deep fog, my life at the moment is moving in the right direction (touching wood) concerning “Bob” but I’m not cured, I know that as soon as I forget, like a tide he will sweep back in and play havoc!

What is this sudden resurgence in being obsessed about time, over the last three months I have been surviving on three to four hours sleep a night, I have no problem going to sleep but once I wake (as a rule no matter what the cause) I cannot go back to sleep, I have to get up and wander the rooms of the house in semi darkness like a burglar, usually finding old classic films on dodgy Sky channels that I have never heard of, or scrolling through You Tube for old classic concerts or even worse watching (shudder) Instagram, whatever will happen to me, I’m becoming normal……YUK!  

Last night however I fell asleep and slept for over twelve yes that’s right over twelve hours, I had had a terrible day with my knees I had to give in and take some painkillers, I had to take (the slow boat from China) long journey home on a bus with cramped seats which didn’t help, I tried a soak in the bath, that didn’t work, so some more painkillers, that did however after a small meal work and I was soon asleep, until this morning when I woke up (downstairs in a chair, the wife has instructions just to leave where I am)  feeling fab! I don’t even feel bad when I have only had a small sleep I may wake up deflated, but I can carry on ok, but you build that up over twelve weeks or so, you soon realise that your life batteries are fading (I’m not a Duracell bunny after all) and I do need to be recharged, today however I feel great, I doubt I will sleep like that again for a couple of weeks, but hey ho I miss that, I used to be able to sleep like that most days, I learnt in the army eat while you can, sleep while you can, I can do both, I can eat anytime anywhere and just about anything (within reason) as for sleep I have been notorious for being asleep on public transport before it pulls away, with only a few mishaps, lets not go into those LOL, so the message is spend time with Family, spend time with friends, this we both need to do however we have the grandkids for the bulk of the weekend, so our plans were blown out of the water, but soon I promise / threaten the world soon we will be out and about!

Now this wasn’t what I had percolating for a blog but after all of that sleep well let’s just say I have been a super busy bunny working from home with many spinning plates and loving it all, I have been running silent and deep on social media simply because I needed some me time, nothing more, I tend not to be selfish with my time for me, but these last couple of weeks have caught up with me , so stay safe, stay alive, love your loved ones and watch the skies as there’s a couple of musical ones inbound, but until then………………Toodles!

Darker Side of Blue.

As always, my health is cack, I intend to write this blog and then simply leave it at that. I seem to be going around and around in circles when it comes to my health.

My mental health although not perfect is constantly being chipped away at, thanks to work and life in general, bad luck seems to stalk us everywhere we go, because of this I am not as happy as I make myself out to be! I do attempt to plod on through but the ship is leaky and there’s only so much I can pump out before I become exhausted, I’m under no illusion that there are people worse off than myself, but for once I’m thinking about myself and not just everybody else!

Bob has not reappeared, but it’s only a matter of time, I can see the tell-tale signs, the first one is I have become listless, not caring  in many of my daytime tasks and when I get home I am exhausted, my get up go left me many months ago but here I am trying to continue for the sake of everybody else, Pain seems to a constant with my hip getting worse, I now take regular doses of painkillers, not every day, but I don’t deny myself these days! The fact that I’m not blogging as often as I used to is another symptom, I still have an abundance of ideas, but having the gumption to attack the keyboard, not so much!

I need my knee operation, so, I need to lose ten kilograms before they will consider me, so far, I have lost one kilo, this is also a symptom, I am doing all the right things with little or no results, I am slowly getting demoralised, it feels like I am trying to swim against the tide, and just so you know I’m not the strongest swimmer! I am getting slower in my pace and I stop every 500 yards or so to take the weight off my knees! Thankfully the chest issue seems to have receded, I still get the odd pain in my chest but nothing on the scale that I used to, maybe the medication is actually doing some good!

What I’m not happy about is my other conditions, and I do think that the issue is the medications that are the actual cause for the actual problems, I never had any of my issues for diabetes until I started taking the medication for the condition, my legs now seem to swell slightly, so much so that the wife has gone out and bought special socks for me, they are a sticking plaster to an open wound, I bruise easily and have no idea what has caused the bruise, my sleep pattern is totally all over the place (around 3 to 4 hours a night) and I can fall asleep at the most inappropriate times at work, I could always sleep on the bus (eat while you can sleep while you can) but there’s been a couple of near misses, where I could have actually travelled past my actual destination, that’s simply not me!

The amount of my medications has increased, as I suffer from a lack of this or that, thankfully they are about to come to the end of the course so hopefully (I doubt it) those issues will be resolved, I seem to be padding about my own house like a burglar casing the next robbery! I am up at least three hours before I would normally get up to go to work, and that’s early enough, I have started getting the first bus available to work, I beat everybody in by about 90 minutes, I’m surprised they haven’t had a security Prescence to make sure I’m not sleeping within the building, I’m not, but hey ho I might end up there if the wife doesn’t see an improvement in me and my health, when I “snooze” on and off through the early evening, its only a matter of time until she takes an large stick to my head, my memory is shot to pieces as well I used to be really good with facts and figures is this the beginning of the end (I’m not trying to be dramatic but it is unnerving) I’m not saying that I have dementia, but the wife has said it a number of times, so it could be!

As I said in the opening of this blog, no matter what happens this will be the last one regarding my health, as I’m starting to sound like the band leader of Me, me, me and Wailing Minnies! I can assure you all that I am just as sick of it as you are, I don’t know where my health is heading, I get the impression its not anywhere nice and I don’t think I’m going to have the final word!

So, the intention is for the next couple of blogs are intended to be musical (fingers crossed) I have the bare bones I simply have to knuckle down and get them complete, hopefully there should be at least one in the next 7 to 10 days (that’s the intention anyway), thank you for the kind words, and yes the name game is in play (and this one isn’t an easy one) so stay safe and stay alive, until the next (happier) blog……………………….Toodles!

Damaged.

 

Since the last blog it would appear that I have had a fair amount of time to reflect on life the universe and the fluff in my belly button, and all I can do is come to the conclusion it’s simply the fact that I am damaged (and yes, the name game is in play).

What makes me think that, well the fact that I have to try and drag a song title into the blog title 99.9% of the time is probably a great indicator, if  I don’t have a song title in mind I have a tendency to waffle (what do you mean I always do……how very dare you) I had a weeks holiday away with the wife and we simply chilled, and the weather was fab! we did visit a few places of historical interest, but by and large we were away for 3 of the 7 days off and we had what I would consider a good holiday, yes I was still awake at silly o clock every morning, but I didn’t seem to mind because I was on holiday, I started a book (reading not writing) I didn’t finish it, but I started one so that’s a good start.

I also when allowed to it would appear I tend to overthink everything, its better when my brain is blank, or more dangerous I’m not sure, I seem to be aware of my mortality more now I have turned the dreaded 60 (how the hell did that happen?) I have realised that I have very few answers to anything if my life, so I tend to bimble from one disaster to another, if I’m honest I don’t care about it either! obviously I would like to have some good luck enter our orbit at some time, but as long as I wake up I ( I would love it to be a little later if possible) happy, I’m quite happy to bimble, as I get older it would appear that my ambition to lead from the front shrinks, if only my belly would!

I have enjoyed copious amounts of music (as always) but it would appear that I have taken to watching (very old) films (the older the better), films from a bygone era, I have always liked older films but I’m more inclined to watch the TV than I have ever done in my 60 years, I blame the wife I feel that she is a bad influence, I can blame her she forces me to watch rubbish as well, thankfully its tasteful rubbish none of this celebrity driven drivel, but cop shows and the such like, I still prefer documentaries more than anything else, I like factual things I do like to learn, but I want to learn the easy way, simply because my head is battered because of all the legal reading I do for my job (my latest reread is all about confined spaces…….oh the thrill of it all) work is still up in the air with everything that has been going on, we find out all that’s going to happen next Monday, I’m passed sweating it, what happens, happens I’m not in charge I can simply follow the instructions given! Well sometimes I do, honest I do try and follow instructions, just don’t ask the wife!

How has the blog been doing? well if you consider it against when I was writing consistently last year, its doing badly, but its still ok by me and the numbers are starting to lift once more in the right direction (maybe not after this one) and I still get the odd query trickling through, I think I can live with that, I do really have any option it is what it is, but its ok, maybe it might reach the heady heights of the previous years but I am simply going to go with the flow and not worry about it!

I think I will have to get my finger out and do a historical blog, I have a couple of irons in the fire, but I’m not sure which one to pull from the brazier’s heat to mould into something readable, watch this space and see what happens, life in the real world appears to be increasingly shite, and as I get older I wish to engage with less every day, at least I’m honest about it, I have to admit the last few weeks have been “Bob” free so that’s a good thing, I’m not stupid I know that lurks just outside of the sight line, but it’s a small victory that I will take, todays a good day so I shall take it!

 I think I will stop while I’m ahead it means that I can  polish this piece until it is a slightly shiny turd, I know I’m damaged, I have accepted as long as I have my looks and my hair……......hang on a minute! Enjoy the day enjoy your life, try and enjoy the blog you get one life and you don’t get out of it alive, so stay safe stay alive, I’m told by the wife there is the potential for life out in the big bad world at some point in the immediate future, who knows we might friends and it might just spark a blog or two! So, until then…………………. Toodles!

And remember we are all fools …... The Mob Rules!

A Road to the Isles.

As always it starts with a cunning plan, yes, another one, it never ends well, so this is a musical one pull up a chair and crack open a beer, this one might be a little long(hopefully).

So Covid hit and the world went to hell in a basket, people got quirks, some worse than others, some people weren’t affected, I suppose it was the luck of the draw!, I’m a fan of Fish the big Scotsman, yes he used to sing for a band, I’ll be honest I always preferred the solo stuff, until I met the wife I went to every gig I possibly could, the wife didn’t stop me, I began behaving responsibly ( I know me with my reputation) I still went if he came to the north east, and we both actually went to two conventions and met some lovely people (fans) and some lovely band members, that’s for another time and another blog, I’m not looking to do war and peace here, I was talking about a cunning plan, now where was I?

So, I kind of knew that the intention from the big man was one last album and one final tour, with the intention to play multiple dates in cities near and far, we had discussed our cunning plan lets try and do as many dates as possible, but then Covid hit and the world stopped. Slowly the world started to pick up speed, the final album was released, but no dates it was still too dangerous and financially complicated, then Russia got all bolshy and the world tilted again, touring became more expensive, as did a lot of other things!

Finally the grand tour was announced and we decided to scale back the plans, actually I wasn’t feeling it, the intention to do a couple of European dates then as much of the UK tour as possible, but the world had indeed moved on the wife had been battered by the world and its movements, work got in the way and solicitors simply took the piss (again another blog for another bile free day)I was concerned for the wife and I know I was trying prise the wife to go outdoors, that was difficult enough, I wasn’t going to jeopardise her mental health so we decided (actually I made the choice) to just do the our home gig, a blip in the road  was when he then announced a couple of extra dates in Haddington and an extra “final” date, I was tempted to try my hand, but again I wasn’t feeling it, I stuck to my guns lets just do our hometown show, mind made up we bought tickets and then got on with life!

Then life kicked us over and over again, I was proud of the wife as she could have spiralled but it was one thing after another, then I took a couple of hits and throw in the addition of potential redundancy yet again (second time in 4 years) could anything else go wrong, I’m not pushing my luck so don’t push your luck on that! The weeks in the run up was a flurry activity on Farcebook with pictures and setlists, I wasn’t feeling it, song wise I didn’t have an issue, I just thought a little more variety, hey what do I know you have to pace yourself, but it didn’t inspire me. This week the days were a blur of activity regarding work, a very busy week and a training day (that means me on my feet for the whole day) on the day of the gig. I didn’t plan that well, did I? I arrived home in bits, lots of steps and then a long wait for a bus, walking I can do, standing destroys my knees, was this going to be the state of the night.

Finally a bus arrived and took me home and I kind of zonked out, I took some painkillers and got ready, one good thing was someone asking me if I needed any merch as it was selling fast, a friend from a Haddington convention, we only bump into each other at gigs but it was nice to know that there are good people out in the world, I didn’t need any merch as I bankrupted myself on its release, bought straight away just in case, thankfully the wife lets me, I was hoping I could bump into him in the venue, we had to get going, allegedly it was a near sell out, the last time I had seen the big man in this particular venue was back in 1989, it was going to be good to see him on a big stage!

Traffic was light, and we chatted on the way down, I could tell that the wife was getting nervous, not for the gig just the fact of mixing in a big group of people, we got to the venue just as the doors where opening and it was a big crowd not a huge crowd and we navigated the pavements of the big city into the venue, now at this point the one person I didn’t want to see was my ex wife as she would be there with her partner  one of the big man’s friends, I hobbled upstairs to the seat with the wife making sure I didn’t fall over (ha me with my reputation) it was at this point that I realised that 50% of the audience were auditioning for the remake of Deliverance, ye gods there was some ugly people and fat   they made me look anorexic, oh yes and they were annoying, by this time I was concerned that the wife’s calming ring was going to activate the fire alarm, the wife was not in a good space thankfully I had spotted and friendly face and she went to say hello, at this point there was no way I could walk another step as my knees had finally told me to Foxtrot Oscar!

Hello’s said she went off in search of more people and when she came back, she was in a calmer frame of mind, not perfect but it helped, what was annoying was the amount of people who had ants in their pants bouncing about like someone had poured petrol down their slacks! Thankfully the lights went out and the Thieving magpie intro tape kicked in and then there he was for the his final gig on English soil, I wont go into the full track listing its out here on the web, the opening salvo was classic and rolled over everybody like a well fitting suit then came Long Cold Day a great song but not one that was expected, after that slap in the face we got Shadowplay again another unexpected shot of fiddly prog, the set list was what I was expecting and it didn’t fill my heart with joy when announced, but I really did enjoy the set list, yes I would have liked to have a couple of tracks from some neglected albums, but I wont complain too much, the band was great, the big mans voice was the best I had heard in years for the full concert and the City Hall I would say was around 95% full, Fish had hinted he was going to do a Lindisfarne track in Newcastle, that didn’t materialise, of the set list what would I say was the highlight, to be honest there wasn’t a low point nearly two hours forty minutes of well placed bloody great music easily a 9/10 gig the point lost was the nuggets who kept bouncing around, hey we all like a drink but did you come for the gig or did you really need to go to the loo every six minutes, and the seats had us both crippled, we disappeared just as The Company came to an end as I needed to get down the stairs before I got trampled as I’m pretty crap going downstairs, a slow drive home thinking about the gig and an artist who I have followed for more than forty years, I wish him good luck to his wish for a new life after the end of the tour, do I regret not doing more shows, no that was the old me, this is the new me, the one that is falling to bits, we have to accept that we can no longer do what we used to, my only complaint was that I wasn’t able to have a quick look around the venue and find friends to say hello to!

So there you go a blog with a bit more of meat on the bones (or a large carrot if you are a vegetarian) the world moves on and I shall retreat to the multitude of Fish albums and live albums/DVDs and videos, that should keep me going for a while yet, but as Fish sang last night the world is totally ….. FUGAZI!