Beast of Burden.

So, this blog has been brewing in the back of mind for the last six weeks or so, I feel the need to get it out of my head and then to move on, every time I do something to get rid of it, it seems to come back stronger.

I know I’m not in the best frame of mind at the moment nor at my worst either what with work, family issues and my general health and mental health its all been kind of crap, my sleep routine isn’t helping either and everything I seem to do to correct it doesn’t seem to make a damn bit of difference, put it all into a pot and it is definitely a recipe for disaster, to be honest I have been fighting a losing battle for what seems like months now, not a total all out disintegration on my part, small time skirmishes that never seem to die out, I am fighting the good fight and mentally I feel stronger than I have done in years, but it does wears you down, thank god for music to soothe the savage beast (ok I’m not that savage these days).

Bob has been getting ever closer (see previous blogs for clarity) and though he hasn’t committed to a full-on assault I know he is there and I’m edgy because of it, the constant being on edge is not helping my mental health, which again is feeding my lack of sleep which in itself is feeding the edginess. But I keep plodding on, I keep swinging away at all of the targets that come within striking distance, and all the while Bob just lies there out in the trees waiting for the best moment, he knows its not yet, its almost like a hot summers day when you can feel the storm about to roll in and break, but you have no idea when it’s going to hit.

Ok so let’s do this one thing at a time, work, well I was in a team of three with a heavy workload, now I’m in a team of one with a huge workload, again its like playing whack a mole, and I’m not going down without a fight, its not helping my sleep  as my brain just seems to be trying to work out resolutions to work and the busy schedule trying to accommodate everybody and the needs of the role! As always the needs of others come before mine, and I know that’s my issue nobody else’s , it’s the way I operate, I always have and always will, it’s the same for the family, I worry about the wife I worry about the kids and I really worry about one of my grandchildren, diagnosed with ADHD and autism throw in a helping of Tourette’s well it’s a prescription for disaster, he has his flare ups and at times I have no idea how to help him, I have no idea how his mother gets through her days, at times he is a complete hand full, I would say 90% of the time he is with us he is fine, but he has his moments and although I try my best to help him, my best simply is not always good enough!

All of my health issues keep kicking me fair and square in the butt, my diabetes is what it always is, crap, but my nurse says that I am getting better, I’m still struggling to lose weight, but I try every day and the last couple of weeks is me trying to strengthen my resolve with some success, my mental health thanks to Bob hasn’t been so lucky although again I have been putting up a strong defence, I haven’t lost any ground but I haven’t gained any either, its like a shark circling all day every day, and slowly very slowly getting closer and closer to me, I was hoping my weeks leave was going to repair my leaky boat, I haven’t been successful……yet, but I also haven’t given up, my knees are as they were, thankfully I wasn’t kicked off the surgeons list (as I was expecting) I have been given a further spell of time to lose the required weight ( and I am determined to do that). But if you put everything together, I know I’m losing the battle, I feel like there is an episode coming at me and I have all of my defences on full alert, you can only maintain your defences on high alert for so long before something bad happens!

Hopefully me venting my spleen is going to go some way to resolve some of my issues, and they are mine, I’m not down about this, I simply feel lethargic and yes I have been writing (as a way of venting steam) but its this particular blog that I keep coming back to (this is my fourth attempt, the others were really bleak and that’s not the picture I wish to paint) it, the weekend is coming towards me and I simply want to relax and have a peaceful time, I’m not sure how I can achieve that but I do know I’m going to have a damn good try!

Life has also been throwing my past in my face, the name from the “Girls” blog (who I wont name) has been popping up in the “people you may know” section of Farcebook that’s a curve ball I can do without, and no I haven’t cyber stalked her, she has managed quite well without me in her sphere of influence, and I intend to keep it that way, its also been throwing up people who I can’t stand, and I really don’t want to go there at all, I didn’t like them before and I certainly don’t like them now, its almost like the algorithm is having fun at my expense, bless it.

I’m hoping that once this is posted my writing can attempt to go back to normal, I am working on a couple of things at the moment including a new version of “Now Hear This” as the questions are piling up from you the discerning reader! I have a couple of musical things in the works, and I know that Ozzy Osbourne has passed there’s not going to one about him as I have little to say on the subject, I am a fan, I like most of his music, I have seen him a couple of times, here’s hoping that he is now at peace and I hope that the family can move on.

The blogs themselves have done nearly 24000 hits in the last eight weeks and I have no idea who has been reading them, it is what it is, there is no name game this edition, if there is a song out there I don’t care, I called it this because of “Bob”  here’s hoping that someone offers me a writing  job because of it (unlikely but one has to dream) so thanks to everybody who has been reading and hopefully enjoying the previous blogs and hopefully they will stick around for the future ones, so stay safe stay alive and I will be back before you know it, well allegedly as  I always make promises that I can never keep, so until then……….TOODLES!