Memory Pain

Don’t panic this is not intended to be a down and the dumps doom and gloom type of thing i wll save that for the long blog (LOL), but as I get older I realise that I have over the years put my body through some pretty brutal treatment, as have some of the members of my immediate family including one attempt on my life (by the wife).

I have broke just one or two bones(hahaha not) in my life and when it’s been just a little thing I haven’t always gone and got it fixed, including fractured skull damage to my collar bone and a broken metatarsal in my right foot, typical bloke sometimes and sometimes a tad drunk and thought I had done something silly while drunk (no me never) so consequently as I got older pain pops up on a more regular basis.

The first damage I remember is a fractured wrist when I was about four I fell over a toy nothing serious but back in the sixties a huge plaster and arm in a sling for a decade (who me exaggerate how dare you imply anything of the such!) I broke a couple ribs later on running into a goal post playing for the boys brigade trying to stop a goal (I didn’t), but it wasn’t until I was ten and I really went for it big style, there was a tree in a friends garden which was a brute (it’s still there and measures all of  twenty nine feet thirty three years later on, I was determined to climb it so on the last day of the school term we were playing around as kids do, when I was dared to try and climb it, I was nearly at the top when I fell and landed with both feet planted firmly on mother earth to a resounding crack! A trip to Shotley Bridge hospital and six weeks in plaster over a summer holiday, my mother wasn’t happy compound fractures in both legs not major but casts definitely required, Mr. Hatton said I couldn’t play in his garden again (nowadays we would sue) Mr. Wilkinson the plaster man at the hospital came to our house on the Sunday to remove the casts so I wouldn’t miss any school, his exact words were as he left the house “and I don’t expect to see you in the near future” (you can see where this going can’t you) I had my Sunday dinner and was allowed to spend the last day of a great summer holiday (that I had stayed in bed for all six weeks) to go and see friends I jumped on my little Raleigh Tomahawk and scooted around to see a friend who lived close to that tree and we laughed and had fun but I could see the tree taunting me in the distance and my friend Mark didn’t help matters so we sneaked down to the back of the garden and although we could see the family in the house, I wasn’t going to let the tree beat me and up I went like the little monkey I was at that age, I was just at the top of the tree when I heard for the first time an adult swear all I heard was “what the f***” to which I turned lost my balance and tumbled out of the tree like an apple in an orchard and did exactly the same thing I landed on my feet and heard that familiar crack, and before you wonder yes I was flavour of the month with everybody but at least I only missed four weeks school hahaha!

Back to football injuries ribs mainly, a fractured skull that would haunt me for years much to the enjoyment of my brother after I fell down some stone steps at school, a fractured bone in hand which made me miss all my mock exams at school having said that I actually write right handed and it was my left hand that was damaged, oops do you think I should have mentioned it or should they have payed closer attention hahaha! An injury in my last year at school which I didn’t say anything in which I can flex the rotator cuff muscle in my shoulder which plagues me to this day, if I move the right shoulder too quickly it goes pop and I go down like I have been shot (I have to admit to not liking that one little bit) it was a fun party trick when I was young (and dumb) but now not even for a million pound.

I was thrown out of a helicopter in the army with my gear following me and my rifle wouldn’t have been so bad if only I had fastened my helmet strap (oops) that hurt but I didn’t have time to let the little birds disappear from in front of my eyes before I had to bugger off in that direction (left right left right you horrible little man). Back to sports related injuries (more ribs) and a possible fractured cheek, hit in the face with a squash racquet, I had a lump under my eye for months, I tell you this keeping fit malarkey isn’t good for you! Getting slashed by a Stanley knife at work which was an accident (not) allegedly the only person who didn’t believe it was the person who got slashed (that would be me then) six stitches later and I was back at work, a good thing not to do at work is too stand up in the back of a moving pick up in a multi story car park, those steel girders hurt, I thought I was in hell when I woke up in hospital to find my recently divorced wife standing over asking me why I was so bloody stupid (erm I’m a bloke) not a great move, numerous running injuries after too many  half marathons and one London marathon where I thought I was running it with all my ribs broken!

Then there was the assassination attempt, we were moving house and we had left a small load in the house a tool box, a dog bed and some small boxes just enough to fit in our car we were nearly finished when the wife asked me to get the dog bed and I said I would if she would put my black toolbox in the car me (the colour is really important) I headed back into the house as it was starting to get dark and we had a way to go, unbeknown to me the wife was hailed by a neighbour who had come to say goodbye (so she claims) as I came back through the house carrying the dog bed I didn’t see  the black tool box in the dark in the middle of the hall way until I did a triple somersault in the hallway hitting the front door frame with some force upside down screaming like a banshee saying my favourite swear word over and over again, to this day my wife claims she never heard me ask her to move the toolbox and she protests her innocence loudly, me I’m not so sure I will have to keep an eye on her.

The result of all this well as the title says it’s pain I suffer with varying degrees virtually every day nothing to the degree that the wife suffers with her back, but I can usually tell you when it’s going to be particularly damp or when ice and snow is on its way, and if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have done all the bloody sport I did over the years and I would have stuck two bloody fingers up to that bloody tree in Mr. Hatton’s back garden he still hates me all these years down the line ha I wonder if I could still sue him for not protecting me as they say where there’s blame there’s a claim!

That's it for now and I know I have reverted for the name game for this one but I couldn't help it as I was plying the artist yesterday! so until next week and the appearance of the long blog Toodles!