Mid Life Crisis

Judging by the mail I keep getting a lot of you think that the name game is how my life is reflecting my general mood, OK so sometimes it is and sometimes it's not, but usually it's a song I haven't heard in ages and it sticks in mind, sometimes the song does fit what I'm thinking, but not always and as always that's for me to know and for you lot to wonder about!

The last few blogs have come from what were supposed to be "Buck Naked and the nine stone cowboy" hopefully giving me some breathing space from the crap that is floating in my brain, as just for a change I haven't exactly been the happiest camper for a while, now some of you who actually know me, who have started reading the blog  just lately, you say don't see the person who writes the blog as the person that they know in real life and truth be told I'm not! There is probably some middle ground where you get a little bit of both characters, I try to give people what they see, a normally happy go lucky chap who in reality inside just wants to curl up and hate the world, I need to try and find something that will make me feel the opposite, because its not fair for the few satellites that have to deal with my genuine mood swings.

The song/blog title is just that, a title, I have past the mid life point of my life quite a while ago and if ever there was a time for me to have a crisis it's long gone, I'm trying to squeeze as much fun into my last fifteen years here on the planet as I can, I know I'm failing but I'm going to die trying!

What I need is something for me, does that make sound selfish,? then why not I very rarely do anything just for me! for the last twenty plus years I have tried to be something that I'm not , not in a bad way, just I realised before I met the wife that the real me doesn't quite tick all the right boxes for people to be in my life, I have always been quite insular and for those of you who followed the writings of this particular writer then you will understand why, if you don't that probably means you have stumbled along quite recently, I suggest that you read the blogs that are on here, or read the books that I have published, I really don't wish to make people unhappy I have no desire to see anybody upset or crying, either family or friends but sometimes even those close to me see a different person in front of them somebody who they think is strange, I am not just a product of my random thoughts, but in some ways these people have moulded me for good or bad, these include family, friends and workmates and for those of you who think I'm weird congratulations it took you long enough to work that particular one out!

It's not that I don't wish to be happy, trust me I really do, I'm sick of the misery that runs through these veins, its just there appears to be no known antidote for my particular case of misery, sometimes I feel like I'm a ship on the open seas looking at safe and distant shores but I'm being tortured because the ship never heads that way I'm sure there is a moral in that tale, I'm just not that clever to work it out. some people have messaged me and ask why I air my laundry the way that I do, sometimes it's because I have no other way of dealing with it, the wife even with her particular skill set sometimes wants nothing better than to clag me right in the head and rightly so. However that doesn't mean that she is always right either (ooops), what does it say about me that at the moment I am far happier at work then being in the bosom of family, I am far happier travelling on a bus full of strangers where I can hide in the middle without anyone knowing who I am, than being surrounded by a cadre of troops who potentially are sick of me and miserable ways.

Other people in my life are far from perfect and there are one or two of them I would love to see the back of (fingers crossed), but again some people would say that is me being mean, sorry if that seems to be the case I want to be happy and these people are road blocking happiness, they are forcing it to be detoured, forcing me to go the long way around and that in itself is making me unhappy, there are times I can see happiness I can actually reach out to touch it but it steps out of my grasp and walks smiling away looking over it's shoulder going "hahahahaha nearly maybe next time" so close yet so far so unfair.

Money doesn't help matters, and it raises it's head often with the level of debt (around the equivalent of the Bolivian national debt) like an albatross around this poor sailors neck,  and after the latest ship wreck while clinging to some kind of buoyancy device the rip tide pulls it away and as always I'm left floundering, sometimes people get it, sometimes  they don't, but they always seem to get their choice of life style, good luck to them, but don't rub my nose in it I don't tell you how to live your life please don't dictate to me how I have to live mine.I hear many of you saying do the crime do the time and I have done, it doesn't mean I can be happy about it all the time, at times I feel like allied forces watching as Saddam's forces torch the oilfields helpless and angry to do anything other than to watch as  those resources are burned off doing nothing but create animosity and pain.

This blog actually isn't a cry for help, I'm a big boy honestly, this blog is me trying to turn this bloody super tanker towards those safe shores, with the minimum of fuss for the crew and all that sail with me. Actually it's for my benefit the crew can abandon ship anytime they feel the need (you all know the terms and conditions that they signed on board) I certainly don't have any of the answers just shitloads of questions some which make sense (to somebody) and most of them that don't, there are people I want out of my life completely, these poison pills are starting bleed into my control mechanism and that in the end will be to the detriment of everybody, those of you who do actually know you are well aware of the fact if I'm poked enough I will cut my nose off to spite my face, this blog has been written a number of times over the last four weeks I think this is version 14, this version if it gets posted is so radically different from where I started, this is a clean version with most of the black stuff (bile) taken out (honest it is) as always I can see light at the end of the tunnel but it's a bloody long tunnel and I know what I need to attempt to do to get there, some will fall by the way side in this attempt, that is nature's way but I realise at some point this journey has to be about me and what I can get out of life (I want nothing more than to be happy on my terms and not to be dictated to like some small country being bullied by some multi national company that doesn't have my national interests at heart) , not try and be something which I'm not, at some point I have to stand on my own two feet and claim responsibility for all of my actions and not try to defend other's who are happy of my defence's when it life gets hard for them,will walk away when it suits them.

I realise that at times my scribbling's are nothing but metaphors within metaphors and for that I'm not sure how that comes about, is this a defence mechanism? or some kind of writing style? I'm afraid I have to let you lot tell me that, I have enjoyed reading and sometimes replying to all the messages that have been posted to me and some of you seem to enjoy these ravings of this lunatic and sometimes there are cracks of light that help me through the day, some of you seem to have an understanding of written English but the nuances of the written word although sometimes escape you your helpful meaning shines through like a beacon of friendship and as always I take it and wish you all well.

Me I'm ok I have good days and I have bad days, I have more bad days probably than good days than I care to mention, but the good days when they are here make it all worthwhile, why do I enjoy work more at the moment? well for me it feels like I am contributing something! and I can see those who are playing the game if I want to partake I can, where as in family life it feels like at times it is just gunboat diplomacy, some people speak in tongues and it's my inability to stick to my guns and say fuck it, I feel like the united nations constantly having my pants pulled down and getting kicked right in the ass (I have discovered I love this word it's American English, but so much better than the word arse go figure) I really do just want to make people happy and sometimes I realise it's me I should be making happy first and not them watch this space we shall see how that goes!

So if you do see me and you know me well, don't panic I'm not about to go on a killing spree, but that also doesn't mean that if you see me acting happy that I am happy, we all wear masks most of the time, most of the time I feel like the picture cover for market square heroes (go look the bugger up) by Marillion, but it what it is, some people have it far worse than me, and I'm thankful for that I use this particular medium to vent my spleen and to try and keep an even keel (why the hell do I keep reverting to nautical terms I was an army boy not a sailor!)today is a good day I intend to put my best foot forward and see how far that gets me before misery creeps up and infects the day that could be!

This shall be the blog that gets posted as its by far better than version one and I need to get it out, I need to get back to writing humorous stuff, I have been morose enough there are only about two or three of the chapters from the last book to publish and then I will have to man up and stop being a miserable git, one last time I thank you for your time and co operation but you lot really do need to switch off your computers and get the hell out into the big bad world, that is what I perceive my main issue to be, I work and then sit in my house like a prisoner not experiencing this thing we call life, I feel like I need to re-join the jet stream called life so until the next time Toodles!

When I write blogs it's usually just a stream of consciences and I then have to piece what I was trying to say together, that's why everything gets rewritten over and over again maybe I should do a book with the original ideas and then show the process? or maybe not as I'm sure there would be a place for me at my local nuthouse with a lovely white coat with long arms .....laters!