Juggernaut

I was being a media whore this morning, I commented that I wondered why life had to be so complicated? Well its complicated because we make it so! as simple as that, if only we could make life so easy.

I have had nearly ten days holiday and although you could say that I have been recharging my batteries, my soul hasn't been anywhere near replenished as I required but as always I jump ahead of bloody everything!

We had as always cunning plans, all we needed were good winds to carry us to our destination, we arranged to meet some good people in The Central Bar in Gateshead, we had an afternoon to ourselves with money in our pocket and a ticket each to go and see Fish on the night time, The Central was a bit of a downer, only in the sense that I wasn't able to get the beer that I wanted as it sells speciality ales, I was hoping for some Sam Smiths Brown Ale and the ditsy (and I do mean this in the best way) barmaid promised to deliver but failed miserably. I ended up with something else Pit Prop or some other type, which was OK but not what I had anticipated, (OK it was Shot Blast) after the first uninspired bottle, I stuck to the black stuff and although I had been like a kid all year for the gig, fate as always was around the corner ready to kick me squarely in the bollocks!

We all seemed uninspired with the bar in general so we headed off to the Free Trade over the river actually in Newcastle, I decided to stick to the black stuff as a safe bet, the company was still good and our ranks were soon to be swelled by one more, who had to go on a treasure hunt to find us (and his perseverance paid off in the end) but I was having issues, I have no idea what set the ball spinning but I was soon sitting in amongst people who were great company, but I was suffering panic and anxiety attacks all at the same time (and yes there is a difference) thankfully the wife soon had me in hand (not nearly as rude as it sounds) and I was trying to keep a grip on the tenuous link between sanity and just wanting to go howl at the moon (which would have been hard as it was still only the afternoon). I rallied and although I wasn't perfect company, I did try and hopefully didn't spoil anyone's afternoon, mind you when I decided to buy some crisps to throw onto the table as a peace offering, I thought I should cater to the throng as not everybody has the same bland taste buds that me and the wife have, I had spied some chilli crisps behind the bar and nearly died at the price (cough splutter £1.60) but duly bought some, it was worth it just to see the looks on people faces as they tucked in hahahahaha that cheered me up no end!

We sat out as long as the weather permitted, but we soon headed indoors, my head was still suffering from wave upon wave of abject misery, whatever had been set off was determined to have a go, and it was hanging on like some demented dervish, and again the wife had to sort me out, nothing drastic but reality slips away and the wife for some reason knows how to bring me back, at this point I knew I was having possibly the worst episode in nearly twenty years and all I could think was I need professional help with this, over and over again, thankfully as it subsided to a dull roar after many deep breaths we were able to conclude our shenanigans without any more hiccups.

We said our fond farewells and headed back across the water, to The Sage the space age building that sits on the south side of the banks of the Tyne river. We got there as the gig was striking up and we soon nestled into a good spot, then the darkness enveloped me and the gig I had been waiting for all year slipped from my grip like sand between a child's fingers, I floated in and out and although I (think I) enjoyed the gig to be honest I'm not sure, the one stand out track was the Marillion B-side Freaks, which is a favourite of mine it just seem so apt, the darkness afforded me a mask of confidentiality that I was thankful for, but we headed out as the last number started, claimed our merchandise and headed home to Gimpsville.

The short drive (the wife was driving hells bells try and keep up) home was punctuated as usual by the wife trying to understand the episodic nature of my excursions to the other side of sanity, to be met by me not being able to answer, Although I had decided it was time to ask for professional help, was this a step in the right direction? (hahahaha) we got home to our place of abode and we headed upstairs to try and gleam sense of direction with some slumber, It seems that I required more than I thought as I slept later than I had for years, I was still in my pit approaching eleven bells, unheard of in modern times, I awoke to see my mobile blinking at me saying that the outside world had been trying break into my safe haven like Freddie Kruger, a number of people were wondering why I wasn't at work (I had cancelled my last holidays) it appears that some people must have lost some money in the sweepstake that I would turn up anyway........I would have if I hadn't slept in!

The wife had already tried to get me a doctors appointment (for me? why the hell would I.....ah yeah now I remember) I needed to see a certain doctor as I have a number of skin tags that are bloody annoying, so I was hoping to kill two birds with one stone so to speak, the doctor was going to ring me, about an hour later the phone and rang and I was left all alone to answer the devils instrument an appointment was soon sorted for the skin tags and the last question "anything else to resolve"? "erm no that's everything thanks" fate had smacked my fingers and my courage slinked back into the shadows were it has seemed to live of late. I have another opportunity to approach the subject when I actually go see the nice man in the white coat (figuratively speaking).

The week dragged on and I hid, sorry but it's true I hid for all intents and purpose that's what us cowards do the juggernaut (see it creeps in at some point) that we called life had me beat, I was fighting to the best of my ability but it was slow and tortuous, we arrived at the mid point of the week and the gig the wife had been looking forward to, I wasn't going to stick my head in the way of  this train (or was I?). We handed the Hurricane over to his disgruntled mother and we headed to the pub (where else)for some of the black stuff and some eats, which we soon got stuck into, but then the day took an unexpected turn, as it went ever so slightly wrong and every breath I took was the cause of all of the problems(NOT) thankfully we sat and talked like adults, something we rarely seem to do anymore, whose to blame nobody but us in reality, something we need to do more often as long we both see both sides of the each story.

Our youngest turned up with Lady J being the responsible adult/taxi driver (I know I will beaten for the responsible adult remark) and we headed off to the arena with the wife doing the shaky walk as it was her name SMOR had put on the guest list, you know the walk when you don't know if your name is actually going to be on the list or not (been there, done that, so many times!) but thankfully the tickets (and passes) were there, as always though fate decreed that I would be punished as I had left Michael Devin's present from the wife in the car, and guess what the wife resorted to type and called me a Dick! no surprise there then, I was able to prove her wrong and retrieve said present during Tommy Aldridge's drum solo, Thunder opened and as always were fantastic, a quick turnaround and Whitesnake arrived and delivered a great set and a surprise with Bernie Marsden on stage for two songs, our seats were fantastic apart from the Giants who stood in front of me and one smelly American who jumped into some empty seats who the wife told to jog on! (I'm far too much of a gentleman to go into the gory details lets just say I could be called as a witness for crimes against smelly American's).

The road crew then started to pull down the set in time for Journey but we had done what we had intended too and headed to do the meet and greet back stage, which was really just the usual suspects,  but only three band members turned up, Reb Beach being his usual super villain, but quite nice with it Bungalow was actually quite nice and dragged us down into the bowels of the venue to get the aforementioned Mr Devin, and as always Brian Ruedy the "special guest" keyboard player who looked after us on the last our was kind and gracious on this tour again and asked the silly question of were we going to anymore gigs (grrr no more organs to sell) I politely deflected the wife's killer stare at me and present delivered to the afore mentioned bass player and a miserable Mr Aldridge (did he know I ducked out during his solo hahahaha again) complaining that Mr Devin had his shit everywhere, we departed and said our fond farewells  and left the loved up bass player to tidy up his shit not before he "stole" a vegetarian sandwich from the lovely Lauren, we again headed back to Gimpsville under cover of darkness and my intention was to head back to work the next morning as I didn't want to endure any arguments with the eldest about how I live my life in my house!

The wife soon had things to say about it, and the top and bottom of it was I wasn't going back to work, I could see her point but the week hadn't really felt like a holiday, and at the moment I'm happiest at work (I know go figure)  although I had been checking on emails when I was off (sod off all the haters I would rather keep an eye on my mail then turn up and try and wade through 300+ emails on my first day back) so my sanity was coming back to safe levels, The Kraken had been unusually quiet but I wasn't complaining we had one last hot date, we were going to see the new Star Trek film (at last) so we headed to (work) with a slight detour for me to buy some new clothes (new hoody t-shirt two shirts for work a new Hawaiian shirt because I liked it oh and some new underwear all in under four minutes who say's I don't know how to shop!) and we were soon sat down for food before the pictures, we tucked in and had a mountain of grub I was cheeky and went to have some pudding, well you have to don't you?

We all regretted it soon enough as we were sat in the back row (no kissing there) and we had a mountain to climb, everybody was soon suffering from the mustard gas attack that was the vapours from the curry I had just ingested.....well it looked like curry! the film was ....OK I enjoyed it but it was just that, OK I had been expecting so much more, it felt like tons of scenes could have been shortened and then it finished really quickly....eh! but that was just me being picky it was a good film but maybe the curry had got the better of me, will watch it again? of course I will, but yeah go watch it you will see what I mean.

Then just the weekend to survive, we did Ok Saturday and then had a meltdown today not of nuclear proportions, but it makes me aware that at the moment me and the wife even for all her understanding of me and my condition are poles apart, and I really am at a loss on how to bridge the gap, is it insurmountable? of course not but I seem incapable of dealing with emotions, that normal people would dispense with the blink of an eye, I know I have some issues which are rearing their ugly head, I know I have to resolve them sooner or later, I want to for my own sake never mind for those around me, friends as well as family I know I'm sick of being that annoying fly in the ointment!

There you have it, I know I have posted a few blogs this last fortnight and numbers have been high, as always thank you to all the "freaks" who actually read the blogs your kind words are always welcome, yes I know I have some problems (minor understatement) but I'm also aware that there are some out there with far worse than me and the fact that I can keep venting my spleen in this particular medium actually does help me (and some others it seems) a great deal, did I do everything I intended to do this holiday? hell no, nowhere near what I thought I could, so what's left of my free time will be me pushing as much music and good vibes down my neck as possible, and although it's nice to give me some of your love, please look closer to home, as there could be someone sat amongst your own circle of family and friends going through something similar and your love and help would be much better directed at a loved one who needs your help rather than a miserable git (the wife's description) on the end of this interwebby thingy majig! as always watch the skies there could be more incoming then again there might not be the only thing that I can guarantee is that no matter what happens the world will always keep spinning! until the next time Toodles!