I have loads to write and to be honest I think I would rather gnaw my own foot off, I'm not in a good place at the moment a seemingly downward spiral which hopefully with the new dawn will disappear like the early morning mist, too much crap nothing seemingly has gone right but the hope of good people and good company hopefully should produce the right results. The wife has tried her best but she knows me to well she knows I have to come out of my funk all by myself so she is doing the right thing (cliché) and I have to thank her for finally knowing when to take a step back and just let me be a fecking grump!
Work has basically taken my legs from under me and at this moment in time I could gladly walk away without looking back, for all the wrong reasons, the week started busy (no surprise there then) me slogging away trying to make sure that I do indeed intend to finish on time and on schedule, missing 15 weeks of work without anybody covering for me, made me very poor company (for everybody) because I was so obsessed (me with my reputation)to complete and to do the best job that I could! on Tuesday the general manager asked (as he always did) how I was doing was there anything he could do to lighten the load and basically made me feel very good about myself (he was very good like that) my shift ended and I went home.I went to work the next day and I have to admit the day felt off, you know when you have that feeling, but you simply can't put your finger on it I just got on with it and headed back to the office for my first meeting only to find a stranger at the reception struggling in a good way to assist people, I could see she was struggling so I offered her a hand as she was meant to be there simply to watch people for their NVQ's but everybody had been pulled into a meeting, so we manned the pumps and dealt with what we needed to do. At this point people start coming from the meeting and everybody and I mean everybody is in bits, this is not good I see the operations manager and can see how distraught he is I have a very bad feeling about this, I was asked to wait in the boardroom and nobody is telling me anything, to be honest I don't think anybody could, I'm then told the general manager had died the night previously (50 years old and as fit as anybody I know) I stormed off in a right strop "was I all right"? actually no I fucking wasn't (and if I'm honest I'm still not now) I have to admit I was gutted totally and I was actually close to tears I'm usually a strong person and can deal with this kind of thing but this was different, this man (if you live in the north east you will know who he was he was in all the local press no names no pack drill) was to be honest inspirational! how many people can say this about their boss I bet not many and this is a genuine sentiment this isn't crawly arse lick time this guy actually helped me so much in the last two years, he went out of his way to see that people were OK, he wasn't there to baby sit anybody, but he knew how to manage and get the best out of everybody he said hello to everybody he said hello to me everyday at work if he missed me when he came in he made sure he said hello before I left, simple common courtesy a rare skill he gave me so much advice, in an adult way not condescending in any way just a gentle push in the right direction and at this point I have to stop because their are emotions there that I have no idea where they are from he was a friend just as much as anything else!
The day continued in a blur and I basically fucked everybody off I didn't care who they were I actually went off to my little workshop and kicked 7 shades of shit out of my work bench that's how upset I was, the only way I could actually deal with it, I went home and I intended to get very drunk but my grandson was there with his little cheeky smile was and he was happy to see me so I have to admit I did something I don't normally do I spent time with him (I'm not great with kids hahaha go figure me with my reputation) and I think the cheeky little chap saved me from myself that night, work the next day was a blur (the world keeps turning boys and girls) and I did my best to help where I could but I kept myself as busy as I could heads down type of thing, people were still raw and I wanted to do everything I could to help (in my limited male way) I have to admit I was a tad spiky with people who where being dumb ass to the point of being nearly a redneck!
Today I slept in (again) I got to work and knew I had a massive day but things were to conspire against me and my blood was about to turn to vinegar, I have been having pay related issues with my company (I want more and they don't want to give me anymore) and after dealing with an inspirational general manager to dealing with faceless people who don't know me or what I bring to the table well at this point I'm not in a good place if I was single with no debts so to speak I would be off like a hobo down the road and the world could go and fuck itself big stylee! I even brought work home to complete for Monday and to be honest I'm not doing it I'm done that part of my life is over, I intend to work the hours I'm paid and not a minute more, I have a very expensive course to go and complete in June (go try and claim the £3000 back seeing as how you have paid for it hahaha) you should have seen my area managers face when I told him he doesn't pay me enough to be away from my wife and kids!
And so in an attempt to save my sanity I tried (several times) to write something in a sensible form this is as good as it's going to get if your not happy with F.O.A.D tell somebody who cares! tomorrow is another new day and I intend to keep my head down and apologise profusely to the wife for being such a pain in the arse, and once I have finished whatever task she requires I intend to write up a storm I have a book (or ten) to finish and I believe any good doctor will recommend it as a good therapy and boy do I need Therapy!
So until the next one play nice (if you want to) but enjoy each day as though it's your last because nobody knows what the answer to the big question is! if you see me and I'm a misery that's who I am, if the wife can put up with it I'm sure you lot can for a couple of hours Toodles!
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