Fine Art Of Friendship

Back again so soon, I know to be honest I could have posted this on Sunday as I was actually writing this as I was posting the last blog, Sunday was quite busy with an abundance of ideas falling out of my head like money from my pockets, hang on that doesn’t make sense I never have any money!

Firstly though, thanks to everybody who not only read the first blog of the year but left some wonderful comments and ………. Nils got the name game, anyway I wander off the beaten track as per usual let’s try and stay on track………………………... Incoming!

I keep thinking of the subject of friendship not in a soppy kind of way, I do just think of old friends more as I get old, I believe I have a different take on friendship than what other appear to have, now I’m not saying that I’m better just …………. Different! I may be wrong let’s dissect this.

If I haven’t seen anybody in a while, be it really old friends or relative new comers to the friendship game, I always treat them the same way, as though I just saw them yesterday, if I’m a friend I’m a friend for life (this is where I think I differ from some others) there are people who I went to school with who were very dear to me and I haven’t seen them since, but I would treat them as though it really was just yesterday since I have seen them, this sometimes gets a strange reception, probably because I’m not the moody little shit I was at school (allegedly) but I have a tendency to think that friendship and respect are a two way street, you need one to get the other, no friendship no respect, get my drift?

Some old friends I have no interaction with whatsoever, I know where they are and they know where I am, now some of these individuals come wearing a mask of smiles, they have indeed changed over the years, I have no issue with this, people mature, change, grow up whatever you want to describe it. Now some of this could be my issue, I moved back to Gimpsville after about 13 years away from the delta, I made the effort to come back and see people, they didn’t make the effort, maybe I simply as close a friend as I thought I was, again I have no issues with this life moves on, I’m not saying that they dislike me, but I get the distinct impression they think that I’m no longer their friend, the truth couldn’t be further from the truth. Then again, they may have turned into arrogant bores, not me, because I’m perfect, please understand that last bit was a joke……...OK!

Who is right who is wrong I have no idea, and I suspect I will climb into that wooden box on my last day not knowing, some probably have forgotten all about me (I’m talking about school friends) I will never know, as there isn’t a great deal of social interaction between us, sometimes (I’m not a stalker) when peoples names pop up on Farcebook as a suggested person I might know, I will have a look at their friends and its funny people who didn’t like each other back in the day are best buddies now, no I’m not jealous just curious?

As a rule, I don’t ask people for friendship on Farcebook (it’s like I’m too proud to beg) but I rarely say no when asked, I would be crushed if they said no, or worse still just ignored the request, best not to go down that dusty road, slights and age old muck racking might not be best for one’s ego (we all have one) I do have some friends who I have had for nearly 40 years (yes I am that old) we collide at various functions/shopping or simply crossing the road, but that is simply the only interaction (that makes me think they don’t like me….. me paranoid surely not) it’s not helped with my crap eyesight I swear some people think I’m stuck up, that would be a no, simply blind!

We have the Shields Posse who we love dearly however this past year has conspired to kick us while we are down and to keep kicking (its been a really shit year) we must endeavour to play out more this year I have no idea how, but we simply must, at times the house does feel like a prison. I miss all my old friends, from school, work, trips away, pen pals all the above, I simply miss the craic (or is that what the problem is lol) I miss the banter, some people have popped up recently and have expressed surprise my response, maybe I have simply grown and not realised it…………. WTF! Was I really that much of a dick, self-examination is not recommended, damn I’m glad I don’t drink anymore, I would be suicidal………...NOT!

The more I think of it, it would appear that I must have been a really annoying twat, I don’t know if you don’t tell me, ah back to the simple ignoring the person in the vain hope I go away, was that an actual huge sigh of relief when I actually moved away, it is what it is. Again, I don’t understand how friends drift like that, or am I just over thinking it, I do get more maudlin regards this subject when I ponder, I’m not depressed (there’s a surprise) its just so easy to wrap yourself up in the wings of solitude and it’s a long hard road to come back from that diversion once taken.

I know I’m just as guilty as anybody else I also know that the longer I leave it, the smaller my circle of friends gets, this is what old age does to you, I’ll start reading obituary columns next, well maybe not, it would be nice to know that people who actually played a huge part in my life even if they don’t realise it, were able to climb over the wire and head towards sunrise! It would help if I had a sunnier disposition, I’m getting really good at fooling myself, so if you do know me and you are/were a friend, say hello, the only reason I might be ignoring you is the fact that I’m as blind as a bat, say hello and brighten an old mans day, a man who  it would appear likes to look back on yesterday with rose tinted glasses, but until then Toodles!

Family Business

Hello and welcome to the first blog of 2018, a low profile has been the order of the day and not because of me having a strop, let me explain.

Its not just me who has had some serious health issues, but the wife has also been drowning and not waving, she was scheduled to have an operation in the first week of December but we knew it would ruin Christmas, so she elected to have it done at the beginning of the year, I have been sat in a nurses uniform for the first couple of weeks of recovery (I know not a pretty thought) however I had to go back to work this week and well lets just say I'm not as young as I used to be. Work has got me battered  as I had a huge allergic reaction on Friday night and simply slept the whole night through from around about seven in the evening, the wife says it's stress, I claim it's my diabetes, whatever it is it keeps kicking my butt and it's getting worse not better!

So although I wanted to write there was literally no time for me to do so, the wife although still in recovery and the going is a lot slower than anticipated, I find myself stealing a couple of minutes here and there, she still has a long way too go and I intended to blog before the end of the month, this has been a most frustrating time, who would have known.

This is simply a short but sweet little thing just to prove i'm still alive and to say thank you to the 28083 (a huge surge from the previous year) people who last year took the time to read the blog, (WTF) thank you one and all, you have made this old man quietly happy(not that I would ever express open feelings of gratitude) I do intend to blog a bit more but life needs to resume an orderly fashion so it will be hitty missy for the next month or so, it all depends on the patient, as work just has me totally bogged down, its simply what happens if there is nobody to cover for you if you take long periods of time off.

So there you go in and out like the royal marine commando's of the second world war, in and out and take no prisoners, thank you for waiting (lets see if those numbers show that) things will get back to an even keel as soon as possible, so keep spreading the disease and watch the skies , I'm sure we will have incoming soon, but until then ...............Toodles!

Now Hear This part 3

I took a bit of a break from writing however you bunch of mad people (yes you) kept sending me emails, asking various bits and pieces and as promised, I did say once I had enough different questions for a “Now Hear This” I would, so as always please keep all extremities inside the vehicle as always, I intend to be as truthful as I can be!

Name a favourite blog?

This is the most asked question and again I feel that I love all of my children, its incredibly hard to choose, now because I intended to answer the question (once and for all) I had to go back and do a bit of research, once I have done them I forget them and move on, some of the blogs are so simplistic they literally are just random thoughts thrown out there, why? well simply because I can. Most of the ones I enjoyed have been done in the last 18 months, simply because I believe I got the structure correct, so in no particular order here goes: -

Silence amongst the static.

Girls.

A cast of millions.

Onwards.

Poke the bear.

No details, no information if you want to know, go read them and make your own mind up!

When did the ratings go through the roof?

We rock went through the roof with over 500 hits in the first hour, I have no idea why it hit four digits within 24 hours, the following few fell back to what was expected, however once I started publishing the blogs about my CBT course, they all hit triple digits within the first day and they have stayed pretty consistent ever since, some do better than others, year on year I hit around 25000 hits quite easily, the last two years has seen a gradual increase, hell I’m happy to hit double digits.

What music influences me to write?

Some of you actually know me personally, so won’t be surprised that I listen to music pretty much as much as I can, and my tastes go from ABBA to Frank Zappa, and everything in-between, as I’m typing this up I’m listening to a Thin Lizzy bootleg from Germany in 1981.

How is your health?

Shit is the only way I can describe it, I need to look after myself a lot better than I have been, its only me who can do it so I won’t go on too much about it, well I will in future blogs, but I can’t say anything other than if I do the crime then I must do the time!

More Historical Blogs?

I will do more as long as I can do justice to the tale, and I can tell the truth, I have no wish to lie just to make it more interesting, I have realised that I have to be in a certain frame of mind to do them, as I can get rather melancholy after writing one, it would appear there is a gaggle of you who do enjoy them, so yes there will be more, just keep watching this space!

Who reads the blog?

You mad lot, it does appear as though there is a hard core support of about 40 of you, but there is a lot more who drift in and out and pop their heads up from time to time, there is also a lot of casual support, I have no idea on how to promote this, if you like it, please share, keep spreading the disease, my ego can always a little massage from time to time!

How do I get a namecheck?

Ha this is the funniest of all the queries, who the fuck wants an actual name check, normally if you want a namecheck you won’t get one, two people who have never requested a name check is Nils who doesn’t have a clue on how the name game works (please see previous blogs) and Broadsword calling Danny Boy, they both have an interest and actually do converse, I do love constructive criticism, there are others who positively do not like to be mentioned, haha sometimes I do mention them in code as it sends them off into a frenzy, be part of the tribe is probably the best answer I can give, if you want a mention you probably have a 99.9% chance of not getting one, so go with the flow, somebody once said that getting a name check was like getting on the new years honour list and I have no idea how that works either!

Any Hobbies yet?

Erm …...blogging seems to be the answer, work takes up far too much of my time, that’s sad but a true fact of life, so blogging shall remain the answer until I decide to take up……. stamp collecting!

Get a life!

There does appear to be a small section of readers who love trying to bait me, they think I should suck it up and crack on, believe me I have tried to, it doesn’t always make me a happy bunny, and these days its all about making me a happy camper, so keep baiting if that’s what makes you happy, trust me the rednecks didn’t get too me and they actually wanted to do me harm!

Rednecks?

Some of you know the tale of woe when I used to blog on other media, I have no intention of dragging back through recent troublesome past, so if there is a brief mention of Rednecks it is with affection and not one of worry, maybe I will indeed write the full tale of woe simply not just yet, I certainly do not want another case officer from the FBI just yet!

Work for a living?

I do and I work damn hard which I thought was the actual thing from keeping me from drowning in misery, however this isn’t the case as I have discovered the hard way, I need to get a genuine balance so that everything in my life is addressed, I do not like being unhappy all of the time, my intention is always to try and have the best time possible!

Why are you depressed?

If I knew that I wouldn’t be, too many worms shoved into a tightly packed can, maybe if I ever win a large sum of money I could spend my life on the couch, the blogs would certainly be more interesting!

Do you reread the old blogs?

Until recently the answer was a resounding hell no, but in doing some research I have read a slack handful, usually because the title made me curious as to what the hell I was ingesting at that point of my life, some are good some aren’t, that’s up to you lot to tell me, I don’t think I can have the right perspective!

Why the long gaps?

Usually because I’m depressed and I suffer from depression on most days and I have no intention of dragging the world down with me, its all a work in process, some of the things that I have written have been way too personal and some of you have been concerned for me, sometimes I have step away from the laptop for my own good!

Name the girl who stole your heart and buried it out on the moors in the blog “Girls”?

Erm fuck no, that is the biggest regret in my life, that was my mistake, not hers, do I think of her, everyday of my life and not in a negative way, I really hope she is having a great life ( I have no idea) she probably forgot all about me the day we left school, I never forget her, oh how I wish I had been a better person at the age of 14, 39 years later and she still walks with me in my memories, that’s why I will always talk in code, I would not like to embarrass the lady in question, when I started compiling the questions for this blog this was the most requested question almost word for word by over 70 of you, thankfully none of you who I went to school with, because that blow the story right out of the water!

Biggest musical regret?

Oh, where the hell do I start with this one? Alright I will keep it simple I tried a number of times to sing in bands, this is a blog all by it self and one that will be coming in the new year, let’s just say I sounded like a shot wart hog, I’m sure that you all look forward to that historical blog with relish!

Are you on other social media?

Hell, yeah but you have to find me, I’m certainly no longer advertising the fact, I have stopped being a social media whore, darlings!

Have you thought of doing Photography?

Erm yes, its technology, erm next question!

Who is Fave author or my fave book?

This question has been floating around since the first part of these blogs, I’m no closer to answering that now as I was then, I go through phases I find someone I like and then I have read everything they have done, so here in no particular order are the top three (consistently) authors James Ellroy, please don’t ask me to name a book I love them all, James Clavell, again there’s not many they are all pretty damn good! Enid Blyton, yes you read that right the lady got me into reading and I pretty much devoured everything (except the famous five) she wrote, you have to start somewhere! There’s plenty of others Stephen King, Sven Hassel, Raymond E Fiest the list could be endless I like reading as much as music!

It would appear some of you think I’m a drama queen?

Well if you insist, that’s your opinion and I have no intention of trying to change it, good luck to you and all who sail with you!

There you go part 3 complete, if you have a question please feel free to send it on and I will add it to the next “Now Hear This” blog.

Until the next time Toodles!

Warm Wet Circles

I actually only wanted to see 2 gigs in total this year (I am being very selective these days) BOC which I missed because the wife was on the sick and well Fish, I had no intention of missing the big Scotsman so I melted a credit card (better to ask forgiveness than to be refused on request) it gave me something to look forward to as this shitty year comes to a close.

I'm not going to cover the same old ground, lets just say this year wasn't in our top ten for a number of reasons, the Fish gig was in a venue I had never been in before, so that was another plus, however there are no cars allowed into the venue unless you are disabled (I knew the wife would come in handy for something one day) thankfully we were able to arrange parking,because the hike to the venue would have killed me, but as always I'm getting ahead of the game, I still had some work to do, so as the gig got ever closer I began to realise how run down I was, I needed to watch out as I had fallen into this trap before I wasn't about to do it again.

The day of the gig I intended to be picked up from work, which is just as well as the Hell child did her usual tricks and the wife, well being a soft touch bent over backwards, me I went with the flow pointless getting all worked up about something over which I have no control (the wife) , when the wife finally arrived, I was a good boy (I know me with my reputation) and took us both out for a small meal to tide us over, then the jaunt to the gig only to be met at the entrance by a troll whose English was suspect to say the least (no he wasn't from Ashington). We then had to crawl through the drive of the grounds at 10 mph with our hazards on and I had to keep the wife under control as she simply wanted to kill them all (no change there then) once we arrived at the venue we  made ourselves presentable (cough splutter) and made our way in to a very different kind of hall.

I had been saving for a couple of months and made my way to the merch stand were I picked out the Cd's of my choice (Songs from the mirror & Suits if anyone is interested) the wife wanted a key ring so who was I to say no, I know how to keep her sweet, we wandered off to the bar to get the wife a soft drink (well she was driving) and she was shocked when I politely declined, the main reason as the venues beer is off the chart price wise and most of it is simply home brew, OK its home brew of a high standard but because of my diabetes I wouldn't have tasted the goodness, so in the interest of bladder control I declined, we then shuffled into the hall to find support act Doris Brendal in full swing, she is a singer who I have followed with interest when I saw her front a local band called Holy Cow , it is available still from her website .....go on buy it you wont be disappointed!

Her last couple of albums have been quite good and I enjoyed her performance although the sound was a tad muddy to say the least ( I was hoping for better sound for the headline act) it was at this point that I discovered a flaw in my plan, there were no seats any where within the hall, nowhere to perch or even to bend my knees this was going to be a very long night. there were some people who said hello and some who didn't, and we settled behind the G Family who we were happy to see us and the craic flowed, then the lights went down and Fish arrived on stage to "The Voyeur" a B side to his first single and the evening flowed on from there (even though Fish was going mental through the first song as he couldn't hear from his stage wedges) problem solved, away the set list flowed like fine wine with a few more obscure solo tracks and then what a lot of people had been waiting for "Clutching At Straws" in total including additional Cd tracks and B sides trust me it was awesome, however at that point life decided to give me a kick in the slats and my legs since my operations on my knees I suffer from a lot of pain, I cant stand in one place for very long, let me at least bend my knees for a few seconds and things are fine, that was not to happen on the night.

As "Tux on" Started the wife realised that I couldn't last much longer so we tried to leave the hall the way we came in, this was denied by staff who had a poor understanding of English, I didn't mind that they wouldn't let us out that way, they simply couldn't explain why we couldn't, it turns out it mess's with the acoustics of the hall, Once we picked our way back through the throng, I was truly crippled and was in tears of pain as I descended the stairs at the entrance of the building, once in the car I screamed and shouted until the pain started to subside, I gave an extra little shout as it was the first ever Fish gig I had left before the end (I'm led to believe we missed 2 songs I won't name them as they are simply my 2 fave tracks from the last album GRRRR).

A short journey home and I admit I enjoyed the gig a lot more because the wife actually had a great night singing along to quite a few  of the songs (she isn't in to prog music but she does gladly chauffeur me around bless her.......hence the shiny Key ring) we got back on with our lives (well almost, Captain Cod nearly killed us, no not code for the big Scotsman the only chippy that was open when we got back to Gimpsville and it was to say the least fucking awful.......this stops in the new  year) we shuffled on (here we are after the big day and my knees are still crippled) the wife has a run of three and then she is off work until god only knows as she has to under go fairly major surgery, not life threatening, it's simply potentially taking her out of the game for up to 12 weeks(with potentially no pay it is what it is, but it's the worst time of the year for it to happen), so the new year will be starting as the old year has finished (kicking us squarely in the seat of our pants).

That's the last blog of the year although there should be one along in about 5 or 6 days, then broadcasts may be sporadic depending on the wife's health, I hope everybody has had a great year and that the new year brings you everything that you have asked for, Me I hope the desire to blog runs through me as much as it does at this moment in time, so all the best to you one and all, watch to the skies ..............incoming! Until then Toodles! 

Save Yourself

The penny had dropped ages ago but it finally hit the ground with a clatter!

I started with a flourish three blogs in a relatively short space of time after my self imposed exile, with some fantastic numbers and then life came along and took a huge bite out of my ass, along with a very scary dose of reality, my health took a detour without telling me,I hadn't been the happiest camper, I wasn't down, just life had climbed on top of me like I was a rodeo bull, I simply didn't have the strength to shake it off!

Work (my usual go to place to cheer me up) hit me hard and I simply didn't have the get up to go, a lot of legal documents to read and dissect then to give my professional opinion , lots of inspections and more report writing and back to working more than my allotted working hours (and not getting paid for them) nobody put a gun to my head to say I had to do it, however if you lot know me,give me a time specific job today, you know i'm going to bust a gut to do it! the only thing that suffers is me and mine, yes me with my reputation, I was struggling, my eyesight has deteriorated, I took myself off to the opticians (under protest) only to be told how bad my eyesight had gotten, damn I didn't expect that! I then started to stress about everything, some people noticed and came to my rescue, some just didn't give a rats ass (a grudge is for life ......remember).

My general health got worse and I didn't do anything to help myself, I just joined in with more apathy, I struggled not in a bad "oh no the world is going to end" type of mood, I was just not firing on all cylinders, I was simply trying (and failing) to do too much, I was doing a fair bit of research for bits and pieces, work and blog related (yeah I know I do actually do some kind of research from time to time, what you think I just wing it.....................Oh you do know me) I had appointments for various clinics and I avoided them like the plague again feeling sorry for myself. then I got an even harder slap in the face when we discovered that the wife was going to have to have a fairly serious operation in the new year and I was going to have to be it..........an actual adult, I know I was scared as well!

So I realised it was time to get serious , in life in general and stop burying my head in the sand, my health (as well as the wife's) has to be the number one priority. It's time to stop wasting the NHS's resources and to be consistent and do as I'm bloody well told, not that i'm being a bad boy, I believe I'm simply being a tad petulant from time to time with my health and I need to stop as I'm wandering down the corridor marked "last chance saloon" and if I don't get my life in order and save myself nobody is going to do it for me,and contrary to popular belief I do intend to live to a ripe old age, well older than 53 .....................please!

I have avoided music totally for long periods of time lately and this hasn't helped, trust me I am back on the horse in a big way, catching up playing lots of old and new sounds, no I'm not telling you what that can be in the last blog of the year, I hadn't written anything during this time simply because the well was dry, it wasn't crap or bile or anything I was simply dry, not even writers block, I had lots of ideas, I simply didn't know how to convey them onto paper (yes I still do long hand including all of the polishing right up  until publishing) I'm not usually far from my trusty black book scribbling shite, I mean potentially wonderful ideas down, in fact the new year does indeed bode well for my regular readers, I'm still not sure if thats a good thing or bad, I'm sure you will all tell me?

So I suppose what i'm telling you lot out there is that I need to be just a little bit more consistent, and all through all of the contact that I have with you lot is exactly that,the one thing that seems to bug you lot is my inconsistency of late, yes there will be more passages from books that haven't been published on here to help out with the lean times, but I shall be here a fair bit more (especially in the new year when I don the nurses uniform again (I know it's not a comforting thought is it?) to look after the wife after her operation) so as always cunning plans abound, not least a number of blogs to follow, I have plans for 4 in the mediate future!

SMOR reappeared in our lives earlier in the week, and although the wife's health has severely depleted our finances I am aware that our friends are indeed a life line that we need to ensure that it doesn't come untied as we are the fools who suffer without them! SMOR dragged me and the good lady wife off to see Dan Reed Network and Extreme and although we didn't stay to the end, nothing wrong with either band they were both good (yes I saw them when they were at their peak) but it was interaction with people who we saw at the gig that meant the most to us, we both know we need to get out more (I need to start regenerating organs to sell) I know the next 12 months is going to be tough financially but we will not be beaten we shall come out the other end stronger than we are at the moment!

So I have waffled on longer than intended I have at least four blogs (oh look i'm repeating myself) in the pipeline before the end  of the year not including a "now hear this " blog on new  years eve, the theme for the coming year is to aim high or  go home, I do not intend to go home! some cracking historical blogs in the in tray so to speak, so please do not think I have been in my usual pool of despair, my black cloud in all of this time has been nowhere to be seen, oh and did I happen to mention me and the wife are off to see Mr Dick perform all of "clutching at straws"on Wednesday, this years is going out with a bang, keep spreading the disease and watch the skies...........incoming, until then Toodles!

Living in the past

And so, the blogs continue with more pressing writing going on and as per usual I have spun out in a maelstrom of plans and notes for upcoming blogs and the such like. Ideas are like worms they wriggle in and out of my brain and because I have no structure at the minute its like a bloody flood of ideas I’m not sure where I stand, so I am going to pick ideas out at random and dissect them accordingly and like worms you know for a fact that both parts will want to live!

I have recently been thinking about family and wondering about a lot of things from my past and trying to connect the dots and something simply isnt adding up, way too much to go into detail in this particular blog, it’s something I have mentioned previously but I waved it away as though it didn’t matter, it seems like it does as it keeps worming its way back into my brain, at some point I need to sit down and put some serious effort into it but for now put it to one side until I can give it enough of my brain to think over all the kind of things that do need to be considered, confused yet, because I am but hey that’s just the way that the cookie crumbles.

I have been having similar thoughts about friends but not quite so dark, just wondering what has transpired over the last twenty five years, a lot of my old friends although I am friendly, I rarely see (if I’m honest of late I have rarely seen any friends but that’s for another time) we are still friendly but simply nodding acquaintances these days, although the platitudes from them are still “we will have to go for a pint” it never happens and for that I have resigned myself to that, it’s a shame, when I’m a friend I’m a friend for life not just a flavour of the month type of guy, but over the years I have put myself out for them , it hasn’t been reciprocated, it makes me think how much of friends we  actually were? I know there are some people who refused to associate with me simply because of some of these friends and yet when I stood by them……… ah  you can see the worms can’t you, there is no malice to these people I still have an awful lot of fond memories of earlier times it would appear that they don’t and maybe the good times were not as good as I remember! Again, more for future blogs and it will be all positive…………I promise!

Also I have been ruminating decisions in my life and I have been also trying to keep a positive spin on that as well , I will admit once I have made my mind up I have rarely been swayed to change my mind, right or wrong I try not to dwell on it, what if’s most of them I could live with one or two I really do wish that I had chosen a different path, it is what it is and you do (allegedly) learn from your mistakes, in my life there are probably only two decisions I wish I could change both in my teens but what the hell did I know at the time I was a flaming ball of teenage neurosis…..well that my excuse and I’m going to stick with it, again something from the past for the future.

Have I taken the right path I? I probably have, you do what you do I have very little regret again if I let what if’s rule my life it could be for the worse, it’s something that I do intend do intend to investigate the paths that I have taken, hopefully with a positive spin lots more ideas for blogs again from a positive point of reference rather than the dark side that has infested some of the more recent blogs have done.

Am I happy with the place I have ended up , well like everybody there could always be one or two tweaks but it’s all down to me at the end of the day, I have never really dug down deep to think about why I did whatever I did at that particular time, but with all the ideas that have floated to the surface from my break in blogging, in all honesty I should have never stopped blogging, but now the levee has been breached and for once I am looking forward to all things written ……….well at the moment LOL

I have also remembered some of the people who I upset over the years and this is part of the thread that is running through the thought of this blog I have indeed been living in the past and have been reliving a lot of past issues, which in the real schemes thing probably amount to nothing and if you talk to the individuals they would probably look at me like a demented buffoon, but these thoughts have stuck with for a reason I need to take them like an onion and peel the many layers and see what is left after all the crying (at least no sailing metaphors yet) I can think of one person who I upset (if you have read some of the recent blogs and are a good detective you should be able to decipher the code) and at the time being so full of testosterone (and bullshit) I didn’t care, but all the years later down the line the fact that I still think of the individual and hate the fact I may have poisoned this person’s life in anyway shape of forms sits with me every day (not in a completely negative but I do feel bad).

Did I do this deliberately , no of course I didn’t I like to think that I am a pretty good person, but I do believe that good guys finish last, and this has affected some of the outcome of my life, I do try to live my life by a higher standard (it’s a fault that the nice doctor pointed out to me in my therapy sessions)  but as long as I can keep going forward that’s a positive thing and at the moment my family need as much positivity as possible, why did I do what I did at the time? I have no idea or at least I don’t think I know, but again in the coming weeks we shall see, I may still need therapy we shall see at the end of the next set of blogs I’m sure some of you may point out my many issues as they pop up!

I have been a big fat liar to myself over the years, yes to myself mainly but at some point I bet I have I have lied to some of my friends ,  family and even my countrymen but not intentionally, I hate lying it’s a trait my father had and yes I do intend to broach this the most dastardly of all of my living in the past I believe my father is the point of all evil and that particular blog may have a large portion of bile, please do not say that you haven’t been warned!

What does the future hold? Who knows who cares do any of you give a rats ass, I have no idea, at the moment I’m in a good place for writing and it has been helping me, is there still issues damn right the main one being life, but its better placed to be positive rather than negative, I feel as though I have wallowed enough, believe me I have, but hopefully it has given a boost , not the boost of some good luck, but hey ho beggars cannot be choosers!

I feel like I am making forward traction again, I feel that I need to get a grip and I feel the need to blog, and yes I can hear some of you groan “we have heard that before” it is what it is , I primarily write for me the fact that some of you come along for the ride is pretty damn good! So keep spreading the disease, until the next time Toodles!

Staying Power

I should not have blogged last week!

The numbers went through the roof , 4th best read blog and still going, and then the floodgates opened and out poured my brain, all in a good way, all the depressing stuff has been assigned to the bin, as the intention for the long term is be full of positivity!

This week has been a week of lots (and lots of music) of good things I have been looking at past blogs to see if there are any positive blogs to help me and actually there is a few out there (i'm not the miserable bastard I paint myself out to be be). Lots of people have been doing a lot of back reading, with the blog "Girls" from March of this year getting over 60 hits by far the most popular of the older blogs, maybe its all my old girlfriends reading it LOL, I have a number of new blogs gestating which are quite raw, so a number of them require polishing, but blogs a plenty to come.

A lot of people contacted me, some new, some old friends and it was quite refreshing, and lots of questions which will become a new  "Now hear this" blog (incoming) I just need to compile the right set of questions and make sure that nothing is repeated! I was pleasantly surprised at how many people read the last blog, I thought I was a forgotten man (in the blogging world).

So what is to come, well I shall stick to the previous model, I will post and wait for the numbers to drop off, before I post anything new, some will be long, some will be short, some will be (well will try)  humorous, I will try my best not to be a misery, some will be historical and some will just be the nonsense that spills out of this old mans head!

Some people were even inspired to say that they intended to blog themselves, please do its a wonderful tool it has kept my sanity (allegedly) to levels of happiness, unknown since I was a little boy (and thats a long time ago) if you do blog post a link as I would love to read them. but for now I have things to polish (careful) and lots of music to listen too. I have said in many previous blogs that I need a hobby, well I think its safe to say that writing these blogs is that hobby, yes I know I need to get out of the house a little bit more to help with inspiration, hopefully some cunning plans will come to fruition.

Again thanks for all of the support, comments and such like, it has inspired this old man, thanks to the new readers and the old ones and some of you seem to have stuck around for quite a while congratulations to Nils who got the name game and was quite happy with himself, lets see if he gets this one! and thats this tiny blog done, i'm not expecting huge numbers on this one so I better get ready to post the next one, keep spreading the disease and watch the skies for incoming, until the next time ........Toodles!