Five Years

Five years. It's a funny length of time, its not a prison sentence, although at the time we all feel that way and we all feel that it is and we all feel that it will never end. It's the length of time you spend (allegedly) at senior school comprehensive, grammar, community college or what ever they call it these days. we have such strong ties with the people we band together with, and then as if by some kind of magic the thread is cut and we go our separate ways.

I enjoyed my five year sentence, I had good friends (at least I thought we were good friends) we had a great time huddled in our little part of the jungle, and although there were little clumps you generally knew everybody at least on a nodding basis, girls stayed in their areas boys in theirs, only the brave or the foolish went off in search of the female of the species (even now at my advancing years cough splutter.. I wouldn't know how to, can I speak to girls , yes I have no problem, ask one to go out with me the thought still breaks me out in a cold sweat) in the wet weather we closed ranks in the warm weather we spread just that little bit further afield.

We had the odd scrapes between us but again nothing that I would like to think serious, I'm notorious for holding a grudge(me with my reputation), but I didn't bear anyone at school a bad bone, I don't think I was hugely popular but I don't think I was hugely unpopular ( I'm trying not to think about it)either and generally to me at least they were the best of times, fun and games pranks and generally not a care in the world, well not really but the younger you are the more bullet proof you think you are. did I have female friends actually yes  I did and not just tom boy types, the only real difference between me and a lot of friends is that there was only one mate that I hung around with that was into music, everybody else was into football it wasn't until much later that these friends caught us up and got into music.

Sports was the order of the day and although I wasn't great, I wasn't crap either, and I indeed enjoyed the various activities that I got the chance to do, was it all sweetness and light of course it wasn't, there was always the odd bump in the road but hey ho we were teenagers what can you expect, but you soldier on at that age or at least I felt we all did, what the hell do I know it was thirty plus years ago.

Now what has brought this particular blog to the fore, well to be honest I'm a tad socially acrophobic, I don't make friends very easily these days, I either try too hard or I really don't give a rats ass, not much of a middle ground and if I'm honest that's my issue and not the worlds, I didn't stay in touch with a lot of people from school because I got the hell out of Dodge as quickly as possible , I did gravitate back from time to time, but I lived away from the group so to speak even my best friends struggled to stay in touch, I didn't mind that's what happens we float in different circles, having said that my best two friends when we see each other it's like we are carrying on a conversation from the previous day, do they feel the same way I have no idea but hey ho it's the thought that counts.

But again I digress  noticed on Farcebook I don't have a lot of "old" friends, I have to admit I rarely ask people to be my friend in case they think who the hell is the lunatic, and the potential that maybe I wasn't as popular as I thought (hahahahaha) but I did once and I feel so guilty for doing it, have a look at who my friends where friends with (stalker mode ooops), just to see who they had stayed  friends with or had they gravitated to different groups and as a rule of thumb, and its good to see that they did, I have to admit when peeps reach out ask me to add them it really does warm the cockles of the old ticker because people have remembered me, and that's my rambling done it was an obscure thought that floated to the front of my brain I wasn't being maudlin and hankering for the old days, I'm sure that there are plenty of people thought I was a dick then and that I'm still a dick now (newsflash people I probably still am)but it was a fun time looking at all the good people, I really can't think of any who I didn't like, so for once that's me full of happiness and no need to send the goon squad around after me, I'm doing good and so it appears are the bulk of the people who I went to school with until the next time ....Toodles!

Abilene

I know how late it is, get off my back will you, I have had a few blank moments, so lets not go there, lets talk about something totally different (and at least happy) the lost art of the b side!

The straight and narrow has not been that straight of late, but the music has helped and mainly cd's with obscure b sides, hence the title of this blog, come on smart arses, lets see who gets this one and lets see if you can do it without Google!

Spirals has been the order of the day and some journeys on the plague carrier  have only been helped by said music it was while listening to the said title of the blog that I realised how much I miss playing vinyl and all the happy memories that go with it, the single that it comes from I bought for 25 pence because I couldn't afford the album, and I'm so glad as it's in my top five songs from this particular band, my journey home usually lasts about and hour and I must have played it over and over about a dozen times as I had truly forgotten the track and I rediscovered the joy of it, I had forgotten it was on the extended version of the album and after a crap day it was what was required.

It had great history with me, I know none of my friends cared much for the band but it was a track that just got hooked it has always been in my internal jukebox and I probably hum it or sing it (in my head) at least once a week, well more actually since I have rediscovered it. I would be unhappy not have what's left of my vinyl collection, but I would be devastated not to have my singles collection. whenever I travel I listen to music it truly is the one thing that lifts my spirits, from my dodgy prog albums to my collection of punk singles, those dodgy one hit wonders who sometimes the b sides were better than the a sides, not forgetting non album EP's I remember sitting in my then girlfriends house (how sophisticated I was at 14) listening to her playing her fave song of the day that dreary lucky number by Lena Lovich which I still hate today, after an annoying number of listens and just to break the monotony I turned  it over and fell in love with the b side "Home" she hated it, I pinched the single, to which I still have, but would gladly return it as I picked up a Lena compilation with said track on and yes it's the only song I play!

All of my good days have music in them, I remember the summer days with my friends out in the country with crappy tape decks, when my friends got cars and I did tapes to educate them (actually it was the best way of getting to hear the music I liked) I remember times as a kid waiting my turn to borrow the record player me and my brother shared, and it's the one thing he as an older brother never denied me my equal time, playing music, maybe he knew what pleasure I derived from it, those of you who know me know that I can be quite obsessed about music, and can talk the ears off anybody who presses the "music" button in me! my idea of heaven would be winning the lottery and getting the opportunity to play music 24/7 all the time, oh and to blog interesting things! ok so I would have to buy a separate house as some of my music is............cough splutter.......special! ok so it's not to everybody's taste, but it is mine and some of the tracks I like simply because they are that crap!

Dark days in paradise tend to get brightened by music and although I know I have issues (me with my reputation) music usually is without a doubt the best medicine so I will have to have my prescription filled on a regular basis, it's the way forward, the future is bright .....it lies in the grooves of vinyl or the flat surfaces of cd's or amongst the sound waves of MP3's, I have had this sitting for nearly a fortnight but was to lethargic to actually want to get the written word down as though it might break something, the deed is done now and I feel happier for it, work is work (no comment for legal reasons) and home life is pure pap purely because the wife isn't firing on all six cylinders with bursts of hyper activity and then days of being wiped out, there doesn't appear to be a happy medium at the minute, I just wish that she could find a balance for everybody's sake, simply because we are all worried for her.

So the duck is broken and the new year is upon us well and truly, I still intend to only do 52 blogs in the course of the year, so I might do a few in the course of a few days and then might run silent run deep for a while so go with the flow boys and girls, thank you as always for the many kind words and encouragement, remember to keep spreading the disease, numbers have been fluctuating but hardware/software issues have not helped, but radio free Europe will be on the airwaves from now until ...well lets see? that's me done and dusted onwards (as I reread this blog there are at least 18 different song titles sprinkled like pixie dust through the thing) the one thing I have to ask, do you all still like doing the name game? or have I painted myself into a corner, do I break out of the stereotype and should I blog and then try and make a humorous title from that, who can forget the wonderful "The whore of Babylon and the dashing blonde pirate" and all the others that I did let me know (you always do) as I do feel as though I have painted myself into a corner (and the bloody paint ain't drying) and to be honest I'm sick of taking the piss out of Nils who does try valiantly but I think he thinks my sarcasm is actually disguised as affection towards him, it is really like shooting fish in a barrel, any hoo enjoy it's great to be alive and lets hope this years brings health and happiness more so than last year did ( can it get worse\? probably so lets avoid that one shall we!) so until next time  play nice and.................Toodles.

Touch too much (cock).

Yes I know I'm just a tad late but I have been suffering, have a read, hopefully that will explain!

22-12-13.

Today was a lazy day just us to contend with so we did what we do and that's ......actually not a lot, we still had to get ready for the Tee Hee Xmas bash, but other than that a quiet day was to be had. For dinner I was cooking duck simply because I was actually cooking for two and not the multitudes that I normally do for. It was nice and was laid back for a change, I did enjoy it but for me there's never enough meat to satisfy my carnivorous needs (I can see me turning into Ted Nugent any minute)on a duck. I did the dishes, we got ready and then it all turned to rats crap we couldn't find keys, hats, etc.. you know the score, and so we were soon on our way only about ten minutes late (which is good for us) and a slow ride to our destination wasn't too bad and only a smidgen of abuse for slow drivers in our way.

Upon arrival we were forced to sing carols, ok so I sang Black metal, but hey ho I sing what's in my head not what's requested! as always we were welcomed with open arms, and G looked as though he was indeed suffering (just an ickle bit) we sat and exchanged presents and as always made cunning plans (all the while I sat counting my internal organs) we headed out for a couple of cheeky pints and to say cherry mistmas to our friends south of the Tyne.

We soon had control of the high ground, but G was suffering, possibly the worst I have ever seen him in all the time I have known him, however he was a man and gainfully gained the upper hand of the soda and lime (ok it was a pint I just wanted to spread rumours of his manliness) I felt over dressed everybody was out in big coats scarves hats and gloves and there's me out in just a shirt (ya big girls .....continued at theqeitcunit.com ack ack) ok so the roads had been icy but there was no snow (actually there was when we got home) G wasn't the only person suffering to be honest I felt I had the Burundi drum tribe bashing away in my head (and the real reason why this is late) but the wife was still suffering after her little procedure, so we did the sensible (WTF) thing and headed for home on the way back as we passed nightmare pool I said "should we get petrol"? oh how I laughed at the reply "no we have enough to get home" just past the point of no return to return to nightmare pool, yes you guessed right the petrol light came on and we for the second time this year were saying our prayers to get to the next petrol station, which was all the way home because everybody else was shut (ya bastards!).

After getting back to Gimpsville because of the beer I was starvingated but everywhere we went was shut it felt like one of those conspiracy thingymabobobs! Like Kennedy or some such shite. we decided to go home make something for ourselves and to get the turkey out for the dinner on that damn day, we wanted to be sure we weren't killing any bugger on the day. as I got it out (the turkey you pervs) I actually said that Xmas starts here!

23-12-13.

I went to work and my head was splitting all day as always I kept a low profile and headed home as soon as possible even though I had to head halfway around the world just to get there, I came home and simply vegged, I also had to look after the Hurricane which I hadn't planned on. I noticed a friend request from Nigeria (here we go again) and I had to send more emails to Farcebook saying my friend was back (trying to hack me) an earlyish night, I was hoping these bloody drummers would really just fuck off.

24-12-13.
They didn't! if anything they were worse and most of my day was wiped out lying in the living room with the curtains pulled, not trying to sleep but trying to get some peace for my head, around three in the afternoon it started to disappear and I was able to get up and try and crack on with my chores when whoops a daisy I blew chunk and I felt great after that ( I know just a tad too much detail)  and the rest of the night went......OK, if you have read most of  the previous blogs/books you will understand I don't care for Xmas eve but I got over the hump had a great night with family and hopefully I wasn't too much of a pain in the ass!

25-12-13.
The day arrived along with the drummers but thankfully nowhere near as bad as the previous day we all got up really late (is that bad of us) and then I had a brief little episode in the kitchen while sorting out dinner! It didn't last long I was able to shake off the crapness I was feeling and got on with the day. everybody was visiting us so I was expecting a meltdown of epic proportions however The Kraken was on her best behaviour and I have to admit it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it could have been, everybody taken back to where they needed to be we settled and just lazed, something that we don't do very often, and all was good in the world .....what could possibly go wrong?

26-12-13.
Actually not a lot other than these feckers bashing away in my head, I know I will need to speak to my quack just upping my blood pressure medication may not do the trick, so I suppose I will have to try and see the great white medicine man (yeah right). another lazy day with tons of work to do, but I simply couldn't kick start my interest (my reasoning was if I wasn't blogging I sure as hell ain't grafting) and that has really set the blue print for the rest of the time, the wife hasn't been 100% and I know I haven't, I know that I need to draw a line in the sand and do what I have been bleating on since I had my knees sorted, and that's get a grip and lose the weight I have been piling on, it is the only way that I will stop the banging in my bloody head.

So here we are today and although I have cooked a dinner for just me and the wife (pork for those of you who are interested), this being alone together is quite nice (who would have known) I have really only had one hissy fit (that's not related to my problem) and I have generally had a healthy (for me anyway) approach to the holidays, some walking wouldn't go amiss and then eventually some cycling would help, but lets see how it goes from here,. I will have to get all my work in order and maybe do a little tonight (ish) but I know I will have to knuckle down and get cracking with some of the older stuff, my get up and go has most certainly got up and fucked off, I just want to be better for new years eve so that we can at least do one of our cunning plans, a bit of practice for the Saturday night when we will once more step foot into the robbers den just to see if it has improved any?

As for the rest of the cunning plans ( a holiday in Vegas, one where I'm not ill, a winter holiday in Soll with some mad Bastards actually madder then G &E, quit work, buy a new house, not have to harvest any organs, just have some disposable income ......plot our fiftieth birthday bash! to name but a few) actually start my treatment from the NHS, not bad I suppose now that I am now on the waiting list, I only asked for help in May.....but that also slows down the pace of the new book which I have started advertising on Blurb.com but if truth be told it could be a long way off depending on when the treatment starts, get healthy do something with my life rather than just sit here online all the time, you never know it might help the blogs.

Ah yes the blogs, they have been doing exceedingly well although the page has hit some minor malfunctions on the stats page for me, however they do all pile in at the end of the week and the page is averaging nearly 200 hits a week with some of you lot rereading the older blogs, I approach the magical 200 figure mark for the blog so I will have to work on something a tad more memorable for that one. the books have been getting phenomenal stats even though nobody has bought anymore, when you consider its over a year since my last effort, so I will be looking at doing something else down that road, depending on your comments and thoughts, the books are priced at cost I don't make any money from them (as that was never the intention). I might even continue on with the greatest story never told as I have mountains of ideas on what to do its how to do that initial start that first line, I might at some point sit down with my editor in charge or whatever posh title E has given herself this week who knows, watch the skies on that one! 

So that is the year done nothing else will get published this year and I intend to do only 52 blogs next year ( I did try this year I think this will be 65) so that I don't spread myself to thin, mind you some might say that I need to have a life other than just work and home for the blog to remain interesting we shall have to watch that one as well, so here's to you one and all in every corner of this planet we call home, I hope the new year is better than this one and that you all have a healthy one. watch the skies and keep spreading the disease the page only lives because you guys do what you do, now fuck off and go do something useful.........Toodles!

and if anybody is wondering about the subtitle to the title ..............ask G it was his fault as always!

Vital Signs

Low profile has been the order of the day, for a number of reasons and for once none of them bad, well with the exception of last night, when I was a tad blue for no reason, but it left me as quickly as it descended on me, well ok after I shouted at a few people this afternoon!

To be honest I ain't done a lot (me with my reputation) and I wasn't in the mood to do anything historical (probably because I have covered 99.9% of my life) I have just been tracking numbers and the such like, blogger has had issues with tracking, if the front page is to believed the last blog was read by three people (WTF) if that's the case how come I had nearly 89 comments (go figure) I wasn't too bothered but my cunning plan to see if the title influenced numbers ........failed! it appears the huge numbers for that one blog were a blip in the current time continuum stream or some such nonsense.

The main thing that cropped up the wife had a medical issue to take care of (not me) and me being the dutiful husband I decided to tag along (well just to keep her out of trouble). I had taken a couple of days off just to be on the safe side and for once we were there well on time, which wasn't a great idea as the wife soon got restless and was starting to mutter about all the freaks collecting in the waiting area, when she found out at midday that the lady next to us had been there since seven......incoming! thankfully just as we went off into red alert the wife was called into the room I tagged along to stop any blood shed, information collated the wife was whisked away to her bed and to await the terror that awaited her, me I trudged back off to the waiting room, we had come down by taxi (how fucking much??????????) as she wouldn't be able to drive, and to traipse backwards and forwards for me would probably meant that I would be called as soon as I got home to come and collect the Hulk, I mean the wife (wife smash!) I actually wished I had!

Has anyone waited seven and a half hours in a hospital waiting room before? I'm sure I set a new world record that day, bored was really the word, I like to watch people, and boy was I in for a treat from the nurse from the Philippines who could only speak in pigeon English, to the receptionist who dressed like she was 21 when in reality she was 61 and boy did she look like it! the girl who was sat waiting like myself who went to the desk every twelve minutes to ask if her partner was ready to leave ( I was bored and I only had my watch to play with) the three chav walruses who were loud fat and obnoxious, its not hard to see why the country is in a state, they swore with great proficiency, took "selfies"  and screamed and hollered with glee at each other they had a young child who was about two and even he was embarrassed by them! thankfully they were seen really quickly.

The vast bulk of patients were elderly to middle aged women with huge suitcases, that were only in for the day, one woman went backwards and forwards a dozen times before she finally disappeared behind the magic curtain. Once I knew the wife was fine they wanted her to sleep off the drugs. so I disappeared in search of a sandwich (I did the good deed and went nil by mouth in sympathy for the wife) and a phone signal, me being the good person chose to observe the rules of the hospital and not to use my mobile in the hospital, actually it would have hard to do anything other, I had to walk to the far end of the car park just to talk to the Kraken (to let her know her hatchling was recovering) a quick sandwich (which was fecking highway robbery but lets not go there.....at least it was nice), my vigil went on and I even helped the old age receptionist to shut up shop and help her close the shutters around her desk that would not seem out of line in Camp Bastion!

Finally we were good to go and it was better news than expected, not out of the woods but on the right path as long as those pesky elves don't drag us into the heart of Mirkwood ( I had to get a Hobbit reference in for G.......who was a very very naughty boy bless him!) we got outside then waited for a taxi and were robbed again but once home the good lady wife was soon on the settee asleep, I had taken the next day off just to be on the safe side, just as well as sloth set in and my medical issues (cough splutter FAT BASTARD!)raised there fat heads and I wasn't really happy when I went to work, but I did and I'm glad I did as I really would have just wallowed in apathy if I had stayed at home (hells bells I might as well get paid for it).

So we here we are, tonight I got the inclination to blog and I know I'm a little rusty, it feels good to get it out there and I probably only have one .....possibly two before the year end, again I have to make the point and say thank you for all those who have stuck around this year hasn't been  that good for me, but many positive strides have been made! the new book is creeping forward like a glacier in an ice age purely and simply because I'm writing about my treatment and well I'm not getting any so its not going awfully fast, having said that the page over on Blurb.com is getting huge amounts of looks (no sales you tight twunts!) and I am receiving the odd mail to say they enjoy it. and as I sit listening to Rush (WTF me with my reputation) and having a glass of big boy juice I have felt this has been slightly cathartic, and I know the one next Monday will be even better (calling all tee hee club members ) the weekend I must do a number of small tasks and I must do it be before Sloth turns up on the door step, so play nice and keep spreading the disease if you like what you read click share and spread the love until the next time ............Toodles!

Rock Soldiers (on the Highway to Hell)

My name is .........     and I'm a blogaholic and it's been waaaaaay too long since my last blog, fathers I beg of you to please forgive me for my sins!

This particular blog has been fermenting for a little while, but I didn't have tons to write about, so I thought I would hang on until I had something worth writing about, well I do now so I think I better get my skates on and see what the hell has gone on these last few days ....well since the last blog anyway!

The title is a mash up and also an experiment, simply because I have no idea why a certain blog went to the moon and back, this is my attempt to see if it was just the title that got picked up and it went on its journey because of that! it has had lots of titles (that's usually my starting point) since I started collating notes it was at various points called AFT ( a fucking tenner), WTF (as if you don't know what that  means), Norman Bates, Here comes the flood, Not Responsible, The Fallen, Drastic Measures and last but not least Siberian Khatru. Hopefully I will explain each of them as we go (I do have a tendency to wander so bear with me).

Work was work and as always I just cracked on, I took a lieu day for my birthday, but the day drifted away from us somehow, stuff that was intend to happen didn't, the wife had a hospital appointment and that chewed most of the afternoon up, nothing life or death , well ok the parking or even getting into the bloody car park as always was a nightmare, task complete, we then had to get through rush hour traffic through Durham, it wasn't conducive to a relaxing day, we had plans and thankfully we were nearly on time to reach our destination, just a slight detour by the police and very nearly a Dukes Of Hazard style jump across the Tyne was averted at the last second!

Our partners in crime met us on the door steps with happy smiles and birthday wishes, I was soon ensconced with a cheeky little fellow in hand (oooh I even had one before I left home) we jumped in the time machine and headed to the office to see the wonderful Charlotte Yanni for the launch of her new EP, as we arrived we saw the ever affable Mr Charlton heading across the road, not in a happy mood, I was shocked stunned and worried in all the time I have known him he has always been a happy go lucky kind of chap with a great outlook on life ( I wish I had 5% of his happiness) but his (puppy) Bali was locked In Charlotte's van so "drastic measures" were required. Mr Charlton headed off to see if there was a spare set of keys, but when he arrived back G headed out to see if he could lend a hand in the event of a burglary being needed to affect entry for the poor pooch!

A break in was required to rescue the keys from the van, but little Bali just looked at everybody as though ...."could you please keep the noise down I'm trying to get to peeps here!" crisis averted it was gig time and Mr Charlton could chill, upon entry we all got a teeny little bottle of Jagermiester (safely stored in our fridge in the event of an emergency) The gig was great and it was fantastic to see many friendly faces, mind you I thought the venue shouldn't have had to be asked by the performing artist to turn the TV's off even when there is no sound on them. The boys stuck with the boys and the ladies (I know I will get twatted for that) stuck with the ladies just as well with the amount of panic every time E said something slightly unfortunate, as if I would put anything like that in a blog hahaha...me with my reputation? the night ended with much hilarity about my wife's red spotted fan (don't ask) and her vibrating boobies (oo-er missus) the only bad thing (apart from it having to end) was the beer was decidedly crap , I wouldn't say it’s the best  pint in Shields but it was never that bad, oh well not everything can be perfect but the night was just about as near as it can get, a great (quiet) birthday and the last one I intend to celebrate (if I get my way and not in a unhappy kind of way, I hope to be on this planet for a while longer).

Because we were going away for the weekend I needed to call into work (me full of drink as well, tee hee) to collect my Tablet device for trying to keep connected to the outside world (grrr more of  that later) while away from home, I thought I would cause a minor uproar as I got to work, as people thought I was there to catch people out, but as I got into the building I could an obnoxious person abusing staff, I don't think he was expecting abuse from behind him and I roared as loud as I could both barrels (in my best drill Sergeant type of voice)and then reloaded and went for the knees, informing him he didn't have the right documents to be on site or the right to abuse my staff and he could get the fuck off my site! He went away in the direction he was told to fuck off in and I felt deflated as it had rained on my parade, I hate having to be bolshie, but it appears when needs must I can do it. We headed home and were soon in bed not as soon as expected, tomorrow was going to be a mad dash!

The next morning came and the wife awoke with the S.A.R.S virus and a strange version of George Takai's voice, it wasn't sexy in the slightest, I was a tad concerned about the spread of the disease so I got the wife a lovely builders face mask, we were heading off to that sunny part of the country Wales (sorry sarcasm button stuck in) I didn't want to get any sheep infected! I wasn't feeling fantastic I was putting it down to the decidedly average beer from the previous evening but the longer it went on I knew my blood pressure was sky high for some reason. But I cracked on with tasks in hand, making sandwiches and hovering the place and all the other bits and pieces that needed some care and attention. Just before 11.00 Lady J and Ignatius were on the phone to say that they were nearly there, the wife in her excitement to show off her mask (!!!!!!) rushed to unlock the front door and then destroyed and flooded our front porch by knocking over the de humidifier and sending a flood of biblical proportions (Here comes the flood) to which stopped all departure activities, until we had watched the waters recede into paper towels and the such like, upon the devastation being cleared up we then played Tetris getting stuff into our mode of transport, once settled we climbed aboard and as we pulled away someone said "and so it begins"....ooops!

I was soon blinking all the way through Durham and as we passed Catterick, I awoke bleary eyed (it doesn't take much for me to snooze) I stayed awake and partook in some adult conversation, well we gossiped and had a laugh does that count? we decided to make a pit stop just outside Manchester and it was the same one we used, as we took the youngest to her audition earlier, and I know I griped about people playing on bandits at five in the morning I swear to god one of those peeps was there filling the slot machine and between goes, heading off to the cash point (WTF!) we retired to eat our sandwich's and watched all the freaks out in the car park. including the female Warrick Davis who could not see over the steering wheel, we are sure she hit a couple of cars on the way in (WTF!). Once fed and watered we continued on our way and soon the red spotty fan was out in public (again) being wafted! We crossed the border into Wales, how did I know this? Well it started to rain and it has rained every time I have been to Wales, so yes we were in Wales!

Roundabouts and sheep as well as rainwater seem to be the natural resources of Wales, as they have them in abundance, fecking millions of roundabouts, but we made good time and we had a good swear at the sat nav from time to time, truth be told we only got lost navigating from the gatehouse of the place where the festival was taking part and the car park a distance of about....oh I don't know.....maybe's twenty yards! Go figure hahaha at least it only took us a little over four and a half hours, some people went by train (WTF). passes retrieved (and at least one person well and truly fucked off …yippee) we headed off to find our little piece of paradise, one thing we all noticed entering Wales was the lack of coverage and it was even worse on the camp site (grrrr) we unpacked and soon realised that the electric heaters didn't work and that we were in fact going to be sleeping in an ice box (Siberian Khatru) we soon had the gas fire going full tilt, and we were all struggling with the coverage for wi fi and telephone (grrr) we did receive a nice surprise when we got a call from SMOR saying that he was on site working for a band (Black Star Riders) and an nicer surprise when he showed up at the ice box, he didn't stay long as he was (cough splutter) working so we headed up the road to see the first act of the weekend (for us anyway) Bernie Torme and let’s be honest he was, ok let’s not beat about the bush ....shite! he isn't a singer and the songs were pretty poor, mind you he was still better than Uli Jon Roth who we could hear his hippy drippy crap and we could see people streaming out of the venue (Yawnsville) mind you I was getting an eyeful of the crowd that was here and damn it looked like all the extras from the Bad News episode of The Comic Strip Presents! I was looking like an Adonis in amongst all of these freaks oh dear oh dear oh dear.

As Mr Torme was wailing away I had a look around and found a second hand music stall which had some good stuff at reasonable prices (but being fiscally challenged I had to be careful this weekend so I did the right thing and behaved) but the vinyl was in shocking condition for the money being asked and I did have a small "conversation" about his Queen collection which was "FAKE" it was at this point I realised without intention, that I had decided to be the responsible adult (Not Responsible) for the weekend, I wasn't feeling great, nothing serious just a little rough around the edges and my blood pressure wasn't helping so I was a good boy for a change, it was nice to see the wife have a little fun, I was actually hoping it would do her more good than me. We headed to the bar close to our caravan and met up with SMOR and his work mates with one or two members of the band in tow (no names no pack drill I’m not a name dropper) we had a few beers and conned SMOR into buying some Pizza’s (Mexicans – phew a tad hot for my liking…..and yes I still had some I said they were hot, not that I didn’t like them) we borrowed (ahem) a bottle of sauce on the way out of the bar, as we had had limited storage for supplies and of course we were looking forward to our bacon sarnies in the morning, Breakfast being priced at £8 (WTF) me and the wife decided ………no!

We left just before midnight and with the help of the wife’s latest boy toy (I’m sure I got that the right way around)we got some hot lemon which we supercharged with a bit of southern comfort once we were back in the ice box, Me and Ignatius were looking for furniture to burn, yes it was that cold. The day coming to a close we climbed into our pits and drifted off to sleep, all the while the last of the bands were doing their level best at going out with one last bang!

I was the last one up and soon caused consternation as I said I had been listening through the walls(I hadn’t I just needed my beauty sleep) to everybody talking (Norman Bates) as obviously Lady J had been saying some right humdingers, that look of panic is quite good, shame I was asleep and I’m pretty much deaf anyway hahaha…..oops did I let that slip, Ignatius that ignorant Geordie Bastard served breakfast, not before cracking peoples back (yet another fine service offered by this ignorant Geordie Bastard) who required and we had a great discussion about days of old (a fucking tenner) and the wife did a dirty trick as she left the TV on (and she was the only person watching shite) and went in the shower only after hiding the remote, it was enough to drive Lady J to drink thankfully we found it before too much damage was inflicted!

Being stuck in a caravan offers its own challenges to many things that we normally take for granted I wasn’t fond of the bathroom facilities when I found  the angle that I had to sit in the bathroom, it all felt……..different! My blood pressure was up and my knees were giving me some problems, luckily I came prepared and borrowed the wife’s stick, we headed up the hill to see the first band of the day the Tygers of Pan Tang, we went with derision in our hearts but were pleasantly surprised by the band being rather good and choosing what I thought was a cracking set (WTF do I know) after their set we wandered about having a look at stuff and it was so bloody cold, when it got too bad we dived into venue two, but it seemed like everybody was just playing Sabbath covers or what sounded like slowed down Sabbath type music some of which was actually OK, but the there was a distinctive lack of vocalists, but an abundance of freaks, it was potentially going to be a long weekend! Again we bumped into SMOR and arranged to meet before his band came on, we were both starting to gripe about the lack of phone coverage (and we were damned if we were going to pay £10 for the weekend for wi fi coverage WTF) We headed back to find that Lady J had succumbed to some disease and was being looked after by her man servant, we headed back out onto the site and the wife was decidedly more sprightly than me, the stick was helping but not by much, we caught the last of Logan who I had read some great reviews about, but I didn’t have a clue why there has been some money spent on this particular five piece, style yes but how about some songs, yes songs would have been nice, five nice looking blokes playing some offensive clap trap…..next!

We needed sustenance by the this time so we had had a sneaky burger king, We left Iggy looking after the wounded (The Fallen) not before we fed ourselves hot dogs and onions (yum yum) and headed up to see Black Star Riders, we caught the end of Phil Campbell’s all Stars (that’s his fucking kids, I hope they all informed the dole) which were average, which if I’m brutally honest was better than 80% of what we had seen up to date. We settled into our places and enjoyed the band, afterwards the wife needed a Starbucks and we found that we couldn’t use their wi fi either (grrr), not wanting to watch the headliners Skindred (cough splutter WTF) we headed back to the public house only to have it spoiled by a bunch of scousers (no reflection on scousers but that’s what they were) who had a chap with them who was either retarded or had had a stroke and they were feeding him beer for fun (it wasn’t) and the staff decided to close the bar rather wait for the bomb to go off we headed to our super warm …..sorry sarcasm button still stuck! And were soon in bed only for SMOR to ring saying he had brought all the band down for a pint before they headed off to their next destination, we explained about the pub and we wished him bon voyage it would have been good to finish with a pint or two with the cheeky chappy, but it wasn’t to be…..there’s always Newcastle this weekend ooops!

Saturday morning was just as cold, I also had another problem I had tonsillitis and was suffering, thankfully Lady J who was no better herself, advised a remedy that was supposed to be like angels floating on my tongue actually it was angels in hob nailed boots kicking shit out of my tonsils, but it worked (woo hoo) while we waited for the accumulative amount of drugs to kick in (my blood pressure was still banging away) we sat and watched huge zombie seagulls, huge in size with big bright yellow eyes, freakish was the word of the hour! We set sail to catch the first band of the day which was The Treatment who were brilliant, not very original (who is these days) and one of  the cast of the Hobbit was playing bass for them (very small person) but still brilliant until the bass player threw a bottle of water into the crowd and I couldn’t duck, the little shit if I could have got a hold of him he would have been school for a fortnight, the set concluded we headed outside for some fresh air and wandered around the site again, we came back into see the Pat McManus Band who were great, not what I expected but Pat was the happiest person on camp and out of everyone we saw at the weekend (for me anyway) the best surprise a great set, we then headed back to see our friends who were a little better but not by much and I whipped up some chicken in a creamy mushroom sauce with rice and I didn’t poison anyone (I think) food eaten, dishes done we headed back up the hill to see Snake charmer comprised of musicians from various bands (Whitesnake, Thunder, Magnum, Wishbone Ash, Sheena Easton……WTF)  and again I enjoyed them without much incident, until they started to play some of the old classic Whitesnake stuff then the arseholes appeared, the wife went into kill mode while I kept leaning on his foot with my stick, he wasn’t the worst but in reality he spoilt the set for the people around him, all the while oblivious to the unhappiness he had caused in those last five minutes.

All the bands we had wanted to watch finally watched, we headed back to the pub to be joined by Iggy for a few beers and while he headed up the hill to watch Mike Monroe and Airborne, we headed back to chill in the caravan (we had had the gas blasting all day while somebody was in)finally it was warm (notice I said warm not hot) Lady J went off to bed, while we both read and chilled, Iggy turned back up and before The Answer came on stage we were tucked up in bed!

The last day we got up and did our chores did the dishes, made sandwich’s, made beds and played Tetris again, all the while keeping an eye out for zombie seagulls, we headed out and handed keys in and hit the road, stopping only to swear at the sat nav from the off! At least we didn’t get lost from the car park to the gate house on the way out, The ladies wandered off to do the keys, so me and Iggy sat and chin wagged (I always knew he was an ignorant bastard) but upon their  return we discovered that Lady J loves Iggy as she brought him breakfast in a sandwich and I didn’t even get the sugar dust off the wife’s douffin ( a mixture of doughnut and muffin ….yuk)  speaks volumes I think (sniff). once we hit the road the wife had her phone to act as a sat nav and the silly woman tried to take us back to the campsite (have a word with yourself will you) with the exception of thinking Santa was following us (oh no that would be the beer in the back) the rest of the journey wasn’t that eventful (thankfully) cue more reading, Iggy did take over the reins off the carriage as he thought that it was man’s work (the ignorant Geordie bastard)we were soon home to our house and the land of the roundabouts was soon forgotten, well that was until we spotted some people were still travelling (the beauty of the train service)back from Wales after 11.00 at night …go figure!

Today I have been waiting for the Sky repair man (just as well as I have been at this blog nearly four hours) and still no sign (the bastard, he must be a Geordie) and generally just chilling, late at work tomorrow and then a romp towards the weekend, hopefully my blood pressure will have calmed down although today it’s been like a slow marching band dancing about in my skull) my health is starting to bug me at the moment and I’m aware that I really must stop pontificating and I really have to pull my finger out at some point. Tonight we all intend to curl up and have a nice meal and then to watch the Hobbit (I intend to see if I can see the bass player out of the Treatment). I hope you have enjoyed and it won’t take as long for the next one to arrive, watch the skies incoming and until then ………Toodles!

Old Man

Those of you who follow me on the various social media channels will know what's coming with this one, don't worry although it's not a funny rip roaring ride it's not going to be a slide into despair either, read on and enjoy, that's what I try to make you all do when you read these!

My last 5 day week of the year as I get ready to take the remainder of my holiday and lieu time, I'm still going to be manically busy but this week was tiring for all the wrong reasons. Friday dawned and I got up really late, a mad dash to get ready and thankfully the old man of the house didn't stir as I clattered through the downstairs getting ready for my lift, I still made it on time but my morning was so out of kilter I struggled to keep my blood pressure soaring through the roof, medication taken but nothing to eat a poor combination but I got over the hump just before twelve bells, mission accomplished I thought. I as always had to deal an inordinate amount of silly people, I still can't believe how we ever made it to the top of the food chain I swear to god (or whatever religious deity that you happen to believe in this week) people are as dumb as a box of frogs.

A little after midday I noticed that I had missed a call from the wife, so I called her back and she was in bits the call that I had been dreading, today was the day the old man of the house was not well and the wife realised that today was the day, I reassured her that I would be home soon, make the arrangements and we would do the deal together. I stumbled through those last two hours and people sensed I wasn't happy and kept well out of the way, the short journey home was completed in silence, I arrived through the door to see the wife a little bit more composed with the Kraken here to support her but a stranger in the midst of  us he looked like our dog but in reality it wasn't he had that far away look in his eye and his hind quarters where quivering from all the struggle of trying to stay upright, the hour arrived and we took that last short/longest journey, the details will be with me to my last day and I have no intention of sharing them, lets just say that he will be missed.

The wife was a wreck and we had so many things that we had planned to do, she had one some tickets to a charity do and I insisted that she go, taking both daughters with her, if she had stayed in the house she would have just sunk below the water not to be raised anytime soon, as soon as she had gone I set about undogging the house, the feeding bowls the blankets any other toys I could find and the long slow task of hovering the house over and over and over again as he had been shedding his summer coat and he hated the hoover so we didn't hoover as much as we should have, we had lived on prayers and whispers for the last year in reality we knew that it was coming but we were in denial, right up until the last minute. by the time she arrived home there was next to nothing remaining ( I know that there will be many items ready to spring out and catch us off guard we will have to deal with them when they raise their ugly head).

The youngest had an audition in Manchester and we said we would take her, another excuse to get out of the house, a friend of the youngest was going as well, so when they arrived just before midnight I hurried to pack the wife off for a couple of hours sleep while I resumed catering corps duties, feeding the kids pizza and making sandwiches for the journey and the long wait in the queue. just before two I gathered the troops and ushered them into the car, a quick stop for petrol and we were away with thankfully little traffic we made good progress the rear passengers soon snoring like little chainsaws, we headed south towards Manchester like we had the law after us.

We nearly got to our destination when the wife declared we needed to hit a rest stop, we pulled into the last services before Manchester left the growling guard dogs in the back, its at this point I realise I'm not at all well, I have a chest infection which I seem to have had for ages but just can't shake it and I have more chance of winning the lottery (yeah right) than actually seeing a doctor! but that's for another blog I escorted the wife to find her coffee fix, what made gasp was the fact that  although there was only about seven people in the building, four of them were using the slot machines looking like extras from Shaun of the dead..

We climbed back into the war wagon and arrived at our destination to a sea of dweebs waiting for their chance of glory we threw the kids out so they could claim their spot, while we went and found a parking spot, we headed out to see if they were safe and sound in that caravan of zombies I had been stood with them about ten seconds, when I realised I had been on my feet about twenty four hours I needed to close my eyes and sleeeeeeeeeeep! the snatch's of conversation I was hearing were starting to annoy me I realised I was a fish out of water, the same way that old people were when me and my friends got on the bus "loudly"! I headed back to the car and was soon snoozing like a new born babe only to be disturbed as the wife climbed in beside me (hell I hope it was her) we were soon awake taking supplies to the waiting orphans who were now further compacted in zombie central, food parcel delivered we headed out to see if we could find something to keep us busy, talk about desolation boulevard there was nothing there it's Saturday morning and all we saw were loads of Asian fans having their pictures in front of a certain football ground, as we headed back to the car for more rest and recuperation, thankfully we spotted a Tesco so we body swerved and had a bacon buttie and a cup of tea.

Breakfast over the two visiting Geordie drug taking shoplifters (I saw us in a mirror and yes we did look rough) headed to sort ourselves out, we had attracted the attention of the local security who were mega suspicious why we kept splitting up (I didn't wish to share a toilet cubicle neither did I want to go in search of deodorant ya tosser!) we said our farewells and abused a glass breaking guitarist on the way back to the car, the zombie nation had multiplied I'm glad we got there when we had otherwise we probably would still have been there. sat in the car waiting for our two passengers I was in agony with my chest and my right knee being just about as bad as it's ever been! thankfully we didn't have to wait too long and we collected the two princess's and sped away from the walking dead as fast as the flux capacitor would allow us to, soon there were little patches of snoring from the cheap seats we now had to head back, past columns of the German army (did we not win the war) heading north the same as us.

We only had a few mini adventure like a stupid woman in a Jag who was doing just about everything other than driving her bloody car, cue lots of horn blowing and the wife swearing like the sailor she wishes she was! we missed a pit stop but thought we could make it, only realising that we had dropped a bollock and spent the next thirty seven miles praying for a service station, we coasted in on less vapour fumes than you would in a formula one racing car and then over compensated by filling the car to the gunnels with  as much fuel as the car would take. the rest of the journey was uneventful as we dropped off the youngest daughters co companion in crime, only to fall foul of our little tired cherub trying to be witty and she got the wrath of Dad, I felt bad after, but it felt we had the oldest in the car and not the youngest, attitude readjusted we made peace then we all fell out as the wife went into hyper competitiveness for that well know game "yellow car" another game now banned the same as monopoly, damn I thought we would need the united nations! 

The youngest dropped off at the Kraken's we entered an empty house and we both realised we were both shattered and would be poor company for our friends, even though a dose of Bucket mania is what we craved, we had some memories to exorcise and we would have been kidding ourselves and avoiding the issue's by heading out. We made our apologies and retreated into our shells on the couch until we sorted ourselves out, at that point I felt the desire to blog to get this out of the way I didn't want to dwell on it, but not before I made bacon butties and had a cup of tea, at this juncture I would like to point out that Tesco's own brand of custard creams is to be quite honest .....totally shocking! there I said it, avoid at all costs! anyhoo enough drivel thanks for the lend of your ears I hope it was as good for you as it has been for me, watch the skies ...incoming.......Toodles!


                            Dedicated to the Old Man Of The House 1996 - 2013.

All i can do is write about it

It's time to climb back up on this horse I call a blog, I  have been avoiding this as I have felt as though I have nothing to write about (nothing new there then). If we are sticking to album analogy's this isn't The Wall (cos I ain't depressed) it's not even my Hysteria as I'm sure there are longer times between my blogs some where in the distant past........I have no album analogy (unusual for me) for this as I have to admit to being stuck for words but anyhoo here we go.....all aboard.

Firstly the numbers have been...................STUPENDOUS! WTF! thank you have made an old man very nervous, I have no idea where I went right, but the numbers are starting to fall off, having said that the old blogs have had 70 hits today alone! I used to be happy when I got that in a week, so I thought I would fall of the edge of the world blog wise and see what happened and the numbers were just steady all the way from the last blog through to here!

So as I sit here listening to the new Fish cd for the 142nd time (yes I know I'm sad but what are you going to do about it I need to keep my self amused somehow and besides it's bloody good!) I have a few doodles but I will keep them for another time I'm literally just dipping my toe back into the water so to speak, life has been what it always is (not very good so lets not go there) the wife is doing way too much for people who wouldn't help her if.... (ah hang on lets not go there either) work has been ....I'm going to go with difficult, yes that's the word to describe it! back to back audits and people losing their minds because they realised that they have been caught with their pants down (ooops come on boys and girls we only had six weeks warning we should have been better prepared), I spent most of my day in diversity and prejudice training today and if I'm honest I enjoyed it, I didn't learn anything new, because it should really be called common sense training and believe it or not I have it in spades (I'm not sure how to use it but I do have tons of common sense). It's really amusing watching everybody watching me because lets just say I'm not the most tactful person in the world hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

The wife did a farcebook jape earlier on in the week, she put as her status that she was pregnant, boy did we laugh at some of the (mainly) positive responses, sorry we have two kids and two grand kids it's time for us to get some life back (nope nothing down that mine shaft today either) really do you lot not know me by now, pregnant! yeah right hahahahaha, the name game as always is in play and it comes from a song I hadn't heard in years by a really great band (that's the only clue you are getting) but as I was leaving work today I got talking to a friend who comes to site occasionally and he had this playing in the back ground and it struck me as being rather poignant, he asked me if I still blogged he has read one or two (he's not a dedicated reader) and the title stuck....whatever!

What does the future hold for us , I'm not sure a lot of spinning plates some cunning plans and a lot of dark clouds hanging on off on the perimeter, we can only go with the flow, I missed my chance to phone and complain to the NHS as the people who will be dealing with me, seem to only work office hours, so I have to get through this full week and hang on (all in my favour) until next week, when I have a couple of days off, when I shall be making a phone call to enquire if they remember who I am in a non sarcastic manner, the elation I felt after making that first step of asking for help has faded, but I have been on my best behaviour since my assessment with my issues being like a muffled off tune radio station off to the left of field!

So that's the plan of attack normal service will be resumed with the next blog, keep the kind (and not so kind) comments coming through, it's my blog I intend to write it the way I feel, but it is nice to know what does or doesn't work, I'm not doing this so that only one man and his caravan can read this out in the Scilly Isles (now there's a road trip...........) I'm a media whore did I not inform you lot of that little fact? so enough of the tripe play nice and if you can't do that play to win! watch the skies.....incoming......until then Toodles!