These Dreams.

Yes, the name game is in play, its so bloody easy, but its better to start the blog with that line than to say I have problems. Now that might seem dramatic, it’s not, I have questions but no answers, so I thought (I know a dumb move) I would ask you lot the discerning readership what it all means beyond life the universe or if it actually means anything!

So, if you are a regular reader, you will know I didn’t have regular dreams like a normal person, I was involved in a firearm incident in Her Majesty’s Armed Forces at the age of 16 and it simply screwed me up, from that day for the next 37 years I relived the incident around the same 6 minutes in a loop virtually 24 hours a day (no wonder I was nuts). Now through the day I could distract myself with life and other crap, but sleepy time was not a good time for me.

I had good times and bad times, yes even though I was simply reliving it over and over again, you adapt, it might not be great but you do what you can, eventually I had a couple of incredible meltdowns and I got help, yes a man who asked for some assistance ( the whole book is on the blog from start to finish) I did a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it eased me back towards normality, I am not cured, I think I’m bright enough to know that, but its as good as I will get, so I will pick up that particular ball and run with it, my life is probably about 90% better, most of the time, yes I still have “Bob” but that’s something different and simply the way I am wired up, and again what I learnt from the CBT I can use in other life skill moments.

What was freaky after the 22 weeks of CBT, the loop kind of faded into the background, yes it still plays but on a scale of 1 to 10 it’s at a .5 most of the time, its not nice but its manageable, for the most part, I’m not the drooling lunatic I could turn into, again can I just say I’m simply setting the scene for where I am at this moment in time, I slowly started to dream, it simply freaked me out, as it had been so long since I had done what everybody else did on going to bed, there was nothing creepy of sorts, just vivid Colours in happier moments, Black & White in my more melancholy times, if I was asked I reckon they sit at about 50/50, I’m nearly 60 and I’m probably the happiest I have been in 44 years, but I still find it strange.

I don’t think I dream every night, I can dream both in Colour and in Black & White in the same night, in the last 7 years I would say that I have had to endure the six minute loop 4 times at its full on intensity, the last about a fortnight ago and the first time in 5 years, that loop leaves me hollow and I’m not fantastic company the next day, that’s not to say that I’m an angry man (like I used to be) it simply takes me a little longer to be productive. I seem to dream of people who I haven’t seen in years, some even that I went to school with, Both the male and female and no nothing icky just dreams, playing football doing kids stuff, well stuff we used to do as kids, people who have passed, but not family members which I do find strange!

If I’m happy then certain colours (and never the same ones) are so vivid, its all about good times and peeps who me and the wife know, (not necessarily in buildings I have been in) I had a dream of listening to Ace Frehley’s first solo album, yes the Kiss one, but the music was simply not the music that is actually contained  on said album, that dream stuck with me for months, I have no idea why, the dream itself was meaningless but I spent an age devouring the information that I could remember, very rarely do dreams repeat themselves they are a one time deal, if they do resurface they might be similar but things will have changed, maybe places or even different people in a similar dream. Music features heavily, gigs I have been to, but not with the people who I actually attended the gigs with.

Even the melancholy dreams are simply that, simply melancholy nothing too untoward, nothing scary just a different twist on the view of life, touch wood I haven’t suffered from an actual nightmare, scary dream, mind you reliving the same six minutes on a loop for a number of years could be construed as being one.

Why am I telling everybody this, simply because have no idea how to compute the amount of information that streams through my brain on a night time, some people might have some ideas (trust me I have no intention of analysing individual dreams) some might want to poke fun and I have no issue with that, I just want to see if after all of these years I am indeed the same as the people who read the blog, just an ordinary member of the public of the planet earth! This particular blog has been sitting around in a couple of different formats and I have “blended” them together simply because I don’t want to waste stuff that could of some use, who else dreams like this or am indeed a freak, I have discussed this with the wife at certain junctions of our life but I think she is wary that I might be trying trap her, I’m not I’m simply not articulate enough to express myself (another man trait).

Lately what is starting to freak me out I have remembered that my name has been said but not by people within the dream or I can be by myself and my name is said out loud, now what the hell does that me? Yes I know it means I’m going nuts, any insights thought for once would be welcomed, I know I could be opening a can of worms here but I would genuinely like to know but I don’t want to pull the wrong thread or even end up down a rabbit hole, no I do not dream that I’m the matrix, so there’s the blog and the next one is going to be a “Now Hear This” blog so if you have questions now is the time to send them in, the shortest turn around in one of those blogs but the amount of similar questions I have been asked I think I simply have to answer them.

So thank you, for you time, your patience, and in some ways a look at the way the world operates (sometimes really badly judging by some of the responses I get) but life marches on the good times and the bad, so stay safe, stay alive, keep spreading the word and until the next blog, its Toodles from me!