So as the
world goes to hell in a hand basket, I sat on top of a hill today and I chuckled,
life is way to short and with so much drama going around, we are puppets
dancing to someone’s tune, when you find out whose tune it is will you let me
know?
So here I
am once more, sat in a vigil in a wilderness of mirrors, watching as the world is
going Fugazi.
Holding onto
a white feather, dreaming of magpies and rainbows, of a misplaced childhood
while clutching at straws and facing the man in the mirror. Weltschmerz....
Its been a
strange week, the blog has done good numbers and I have been contemplating my
past, trying to decide where I was going with the blog I had a number of paths
to choose from, however that was all too change, I bumped quite literally into
an old friend, an acquaintance who at
times has been my musical nemesis, someone who pushed me to better myself and
did so many good things for me, however he could never stop himself being a
dick, he could out Yngwie in all departments musically and in life, he was always so self-centred, but
we were good friends we battered each other verbally all the time , that was
just us, innocent fun until, well that will be a blog in itself, we were both
in the wrong , varying degrees of macho stupidity and all it did was make
friends withdraw into walled compounds and take pot shots at each other during
gun boat diplomacy, things that need never have happened, but they did, we
mended bridges about twenty years ago but the damage had been done on both
sides, we both suffered. We all lost a lot of friends along the way, and we needn’t
have!
As did
other friends and as I have said it’s a blog I intend to write, it will have to
be sooner rather than later as we crossed paths and he is in the final ravages
of MS, (he admits to reading the blog and enjoys it) to say I was shocked is an
understatement, we were both manly enough to not shed tears, but we understood every
single syllable not mentioned or uttered! I’m now starting to feel that I’m a
fish being reeled in and its nearly my time to take that last big bite, I have
lost so many people close to me in real life, friends who I thought were
indestructible, I always knew that we were not, late nights , drinking music
and all the things that come with youth, a belief that life will go on what
ever happens, the hangovers the girls the break ups, the late night talks
walking home because we were skint or had missed last buses, tubes , whatever
old wounds resurfaced and then resealed as quickly as they burst forth!
Remembering
individual days, personal thoughts personal times, late nights, being belligerent
with myself, remembering what a cock I could be, never mind anyone else, the
silly things we did, we all did, the dodgy hair, ah it’s, what can I say, it
just seems so long ago, maybe it was! the fashion faux paus, the travel, the
pubs, the irritating things we did simply because we could, its what friends do
to friends, we were oblivious how fast we were travelling down the road and
then the crash, the splintering, we all
went to our separate corners with little civility and some down right open
hostility mainly on my part, I was more of a blunt weapon in the group, I was
never very articulate, maybe because I was the baby of the group, more likely
because I was a dick. I would not compromise, I was a mass of contradictions,
because of it I missed out on the love and support of my friends, many who
probably wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, things that should have been
said but never were! simply we didn’t talk things out like we used to, nobody’s
fault, but in reality everybody’s!
I’m sorry
to see him in the state he was in, but if I’m being honest I was blank inside,
the ship had sailed, too long, the bridge was not fixed as we all thought, I suppose
I’m human after all, the world has moved on, I’m still sat on my hill watching what’s
happening, we are all just library books with no idea when the due date is,
some of us have passed the date and are on borrowed time, damn I’m old how did I
get here without noticing, the time has flown by, not in a bad way I have the
wife the kids the grand kids we have had good times bad times and some shit
times but the time has been spent, friends as well, damn we don’t see people as
much as we should, life really is too short, no wonder people think that I’m
such a miserable twat, I am getting better honest I am, well I think I am!
So, what
was all that rubbish well that’s me being shocked into realising partly because
of that brief encounter and the fact that the world is going to hell! I have
been overly critical of my life, things that I have had no control of, the
blogs that I had planned are being rethought, simply because I now know I need
to be as truthful as I can be and not flippant, the majority of you might not
know these people but some of you do so therefore, if he reads them who else
from my past does, that’s a worrying question with no answer, I have to do the
right thing and I know that there is a huge spotlight on me maybe just maybe I can
pull the old bridge down and rebuild a better stronger one, not one that gets
used on a regular basis, but one that’s there for when my past decides to visit
even if its just for a short time, I will bid my time, I will await the prompt!
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