Disintegration.

So yet again the wife attempted to assassinate me, it’s a long story but the upshot was I politely asked her not to do something, she did it anyway, hence two cracked ribs you really couldn’t make shit like that up. It was however the beginning of a bleak downward spiral, sounds like fun it wasn’t!

I went back to work and simply wasn’t as user friendly as I can be (I know me with my reputation) as the week went on I got bleaker, I tried not to, but it was hard enough just to drag myself through the working day, for now it tis the season for the Christmas party and for some reason I had said that I would attend, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but then I was probably in one of my rare good moods! I have no idea; well I do its torture, so therefore it’s pretty obvious that I hate myself. The wife hates me going as well, I have no idea why (its ok for her to got to hers) I’m probably paying for the sins of previous partners, who knows, who cares, I’m ok with whatever she wants to do , but nope it would appear I need to ask her to grant me permission, I didn’t and I did go and it was horrible (for me) she got her revenge, she must have used that cursed voodoo that she does!

I had been offered a lift there and back, so that was a plus and the person is pleasant company and really helpful at work, so what could go wrong (hahaha) as always I have gotten ahead of  myself, I  had some lieu time to take and I wanted to get on with painting in the house (yes with cracked ribs, me a sadist? what makes you think that) a couple of coats and my mood was still in the toilet (literally) not people around me, just me and my black dog, I’m going to call him  “Bob”  I suffered through a couple of coats and then did some prep work on other parts of the house using some white matt paint except it went on pink WTF I hated the world with a passion at this point, thankfully it did dry white, once again thankfully I was pulled back from the brink. My tinnitus has also been plaguing me the last couple of weeks and it was building to a crescendo, salvo after salvo of white noise, thankfully today its down to a dull roar.

I also was doing some clear up work in the loft and a couple of chaps from work arrived  to helped me out, I couldn’t have done it by myself! crap that has been in the loft since before we moved in, I simply wanted it gone, again the ribs played a part, I really am getting too old for this crap, a couple of hours and it was complete and I waved goodbye to them I crawled onto the settee in agony, my ribs , my knees you name it and it was all so sore! I waited until my good lady arrived home and I climbed into a hot bath to soak away my ails, I was sensible enough to wait until she was in, just in case I got stuck, after all I am old, I had been given some lovely clothes from a friend, good quality stuff not like the normal shite I buy from ASDA (Walmart for the readers in the good old US of A) so I chose a shirt for the night and I posted a picture to prove I hadn’t given them away to charity, now I hate my picture taken (more of that later) I have a face for radio, I avoid it all costs but I needed to say thank you, now I got quite a few likes for the picture (something I’m not used to) believe it or not it made me feel worse I was spiralling quite badly, it didn’t help “Bob” sat licking his lips, I didn’t/don’t think that a fat bloke in a shirt qualifies for all of the likes, thank you, but some of you people need to drink a lot less in the daytime!

The rain didn’t stop all day, now believe it or not this normally cheers me up not today, my lift arrived on time and I entered the vehicle trying to pose as cheerful as possible, making small talk and the discovering that it’s a smaller world than you can imagine (I wont bore you with the details) we struggled to get parked but did eventually, then with a small hike to the venue, once I got there I knew I had made a ghastly mistake, there were people there enjoying themselves “Bob” was having none of it and he sank  his teeth deep into the organ called my brain, it was like being in one of Dante’s circles of hell, cameras all around me and people not taking the hint, I growled and bit at them, even with all of the drink that had been consumed they soon took the hint, I didn’t mind them having a good time, it was a great party, but I simply should not have gone, as the night dragged on, I simply didn’t leave my seat I interacted as little as I could “Bob” was happy, if I had come down with anybody else I would have sneaked away, I didn’t want to drink, I didn’t want to breathe the intoxication of them having a good time, it was good to see people letting their hair down, I didn’t deserve this, I shouldn’t have been there I was an intruder, I’m glad I didn’t drink as I would have been worse and I would have ended up fighting with someone, I nearly did and I was sober, yes it wasn’t good. I had three glasses of water maybe people finally took the hint!

Staff awards, more happiness and fun, more “Bob” food and small talk, more “Bob” I was sitting there hating the world (actually just the small part I inhabit) more small talk, more “Bob” a cabaret act, which meant thankfully people left me alone and I only had to threaten the official photographer once, hey he remembered me from my official work photograph, see I do not have people skills, but I can growl! so they could go and enjoy themselves, good for them, it was like I had been transported to a room full of aliens, happy friendly aliens all the same it simply wasn’t what I  needed at that moment in time! thankfully the night ended and I was able to slide away with very little fuss, outside in the rain “Bob” slinked back ten paces, more small talk and a brief journey home. I said thank you and took a deep  breath before I entered home as I knew “Bob” was already there waiting for me, I wasn’t pleasant company, I wasn’t unpleasant I was simply holding or at least trying to hold “Bob” at arm’s length, thankfully we soon climbed the wooden hill and I was soon in a dreamless state , but I awoke as though I had indeed been on the drink and “Bob” was still sat at the bottom of the bed.

Breakfast and drugs (for my diabetes) and a plan for a blog, turn Farcebook on and I’m still amazed more people liked my photograph, it didn’t help, I was getting angry (WTF is wrong with my head)  watched the wife head off to work, and I went to get some bread and bits and pieces (junk not good for the soul) now as I type this I feel better, “Bob” is in the house I feel his presence, but he is in the dark recesses where I cant see him, maybe eating a double pack of biscuits is all I need to keep him away, I am only joking I know its not healthy as are my black moods, not healthy for me or my friends and loved ones, unfortunately when “Bob” pops up I no longer am in charge of me, I can fight him to the best of my ability, but I usually am the loser.

As of this moment I do feel slightly better, not perfect but slightly better, I will take each little victory in this ongoing war with “Bob” I really hope that I didn’t spoil anybody’s night (well apart from one prick, I hope I really did piss in his gravy) there was a lot of effort put in to try and ensure that the staff get a little reward for all of their hard work they certainly deserve it, well done to everybody for their efforts but I reckon for a much better time don’t let me go to any more, for everybody’s sake!

For the rest of the day I need to ensure that my head is in the right frame of mind for my coming short working week, I need to give my head a shake, I had been doing so well, I am aware that we all go through peaks and troughs, this was the worst downside I had suffered, thankfully not related to my PTSD, no matter what happens the world keeps turning I know I have to pick myself up and dust myself off, do my (mental) exercises be strong for everybody else and make sure I can do the best for them, I’m not in a bad place (and as always there was/is no chance of any self-harm, calm down at the back) I am  as of this moment officially waving not drowning, I know this has been a bleak blog but I needed to spew this on to a page, sometimes it’s the only to clear your head and get rid of the dread! I’m sitting here listening to music playing the new ELO album, its not helping, I’m off to play he whole album from which the blog title is taken from, yes, the name game is in play even for the bleak blogs!

So hopefully I will be able to do another in a couple of days and my intention is to try (I did say try) and make it happier, more than likely a historical one, one can only hope, thank you for all of your kind comments to previous blogs I really wouldn’t be able to do this without the support of you the discerning (blog) reader! So watch the skies for more incoming, keep spreading the disease, like buses there will always be another one in a couple of days, until then……………. Toodles!  

The Lost Weekend

As I get older I realise how much of an idiot I was when I was younger, when I actually had a full of hair and a waistline, I know such a long time ago, we have covered the main reason why I was an idiot, but rarely have I covered some of the many stupid things that occurred.

My first job after the army was working for a firm that had many fingers in many pies, I was supposed to labouring to the electricians for the contracting side of the firm, but I ended up being a dogsbody in the sportswear shop, Bikes, Air Rifles, Saddlery  WTF, I had experience with one of the three, but I hadn’t got a clue about the other two, then there was the model train department, in those days before the internet you were stuck with the stuff you had ordered until some freak turned up to buy the job lot, the company itself was downsizing ,so the toy department ended up in a store room but peeps still knew that they had stuff, so they would rock up when they needed something, I was there about 8 weeks, in that time I was involved in trying to stop a fire (not my fault) nearly assaulted someone who called me a liar (I was a tad aggressive back in the day, I couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag but I had a loud growl) and I was going to be forced to dress like Santa as the usual one came back from lunch drunk, thankfully that wasn’t actually followed through as I probably would have scarred the kids for life! it’s not like I was sober! Needless to say, I was glad when a job with some further education popped up on my radar, I jumped ship at the first opportunity.

I jumped in the January not the best time to be working for the NCB Forestry Department, but I loved it, good honest physical work, I could actually write a blog simply on my time there (maybe later) again I got messed around and after seven months moved on to the dole, the good thing about it though, was I usually could get a drink through the working day (not ideal when dealing with chain saws) if we were out and about and then at the end of the shift I could climb out of the land rover into a pub before going home to a bath and then bed and then to do it all over again the next day! The dole was soul destroying, I would be at the job centre three times a day simply to see what was new, as if there was ever anything new.

I was young dumb and full of drink (most of the time), whilst not working or looking for work, our merry band would be like last of the summer wine, walking around the country side or stomping about industrial estates looking for gainful employment, thankfully drink was cheap (36 pence for a bottle of Double Maxim 18 Pence for a pint of Fed Special) it didn’t take a lot, but I was usually tipsy (me with my reputation) over the weekend and in a bit of a haze, sometimes I tried to drink with the big boys and always failed miserably ( I was seven stone wet through) the big boys would buy a crate for the park (along with some acid for the 2 hours that the pub would be shut, the good old days) or be drinking/snorting whisky in a bloody clowns nose, they know who they are LOL! the best I could do, would be to be annoying, climb a tree or two or eat flowers out of the flower beds in Middle Street.

Now I’m not saying I had a bad time, I didn’t I loved it, loved my friends and generally had a good time, girls occasionally entered the universe but let’s just say I usually (usually is Latin for always) failed miserably, I eventually ended up working for the (queue song) YMCA as an outdoors activity instructor, again a great job with some fab people and payday (Thursday in little wage packets) was fun with a capital F! I always called into the bank first so that I didn’t like some people end up spending all £52, it was always a hoot for us to sod off to the pub, my most fond memory was a lovely person, not quite sober playing the piano to some old dears as they did indoor bowls (he went on to join a well-known black metal group, he knows who he is) and discussing the merits of Maiden doing longer songs, at least I was sober! After that it was random jobs (too few to mention) and I did temp work in music companies who usually had me back from time to time (except Polydor who took exception to me puking in the desk one Friday afternoon (before Christmas) and not telling anybody, when they came back it smelt like death in the whole building, they never had me back! But I don’t think they ever got rid of the damn smell, Oh dear not my problem, falling asleep on the underground upside down, I am so glad that there was no such thing as mobile phones that would have been embarrassing  thankfully I was always with friends, I rarely flew solo in the big city, most of the time I was annoying, sarcastic and a fine purveyor of chaos and mayhem (to be honest I was a light weight in many ways)  the amount of times in the summer (notice I said summer I wasn’t that dumb to attempt it in the winter) I would end walking home from the Mayfair in Newcastle to home in Gimpsville (over 18 miles) because I was blind drunk (blind as in I couldn’t see my lift) the number of times I would wake up in a farmers fields as it had been a warm night and I just wanted to go to sleep, I did scare some people from time to time rising like a corpse from a field of corn, mind you it wasn’t so clever one day when I discovered the farmer in said field with a combine harvester.

I would hitch everywhere (always sober, I was dumb just not that dumb) and I was always choosy about who offered me lifts, thankfully I was always presentable and clean, so I did get a few lifts from families or couples, I rarely took a lift in a truck (dodgy) unless it was a well-known firm from Gimpsville and I knew most of the drivers, not that many stopped, I still remember the same guy waving to me every time he passed me, I had the last laugh as he got pulled over in Gimpsville in his car for what looked like drink driving, the police asked me to move on, I saw him loads after that but never behind the wheel of a vehicle, funny that!

Trains were the worst for  me because I could drink and sleep, the number of times that I fell asleep on a train, I usually made sure that I would travel in a party of friends if it was something important, I remember one new year’s eve running for the train from Newcastle to Durham and just jumping on the train as it was pulling out, oh how the conductor laughed as we asked for singles to Durham when in actual fact it was going to Edinburgh, that was a long cold night in Edinburgh, a great night but still bloody cold, I used to travel to Scunthorpe to visit the favourite members of my family and I was always sober on that train, I needed to be off in Doncaster not some ghastly place 200 miles south of my destination (I did it once never again).

By and large I think I was a pest, it wasn’t meant to be serious and although I still see old friends (I have been back in Gimpsville for over 16 years I have only been out twice with one old friend in that time) maybe I was more than just annoying, I didn’t mean to be, I miss those times dearly some of  my friends have passed, some have moved on, some live simply too far away (I wish we hadn’t come back to Gimpsville in all honesty I love the place, but my friends live miles away) whenever I see my old friends, the ones in Gimpsville I am always sincere and honest with them, maybe they don’t need to have the imagined agro anymore, thankfully I have matured (I have) and the agro has long gone but the world changes and moves on, I love the people in my life I just don’t get to see them as much as I would like to, that’s down to me and the wife not to them, ah look I’m coming on all melancholy!

Another blog, off the cuff and done on the spur of the moment, all derived from a 7 word sentence, I think I’m getting the hang of this blogging lark, well maybe not, again if I spend more time they go to dark places I’m hoping to keep them of a humorous nature, that seems to be the spark that’s needed, I have another four ideas bubbling away, but family time is coming for this weekend, some us time for me and the wife (I can hear her groan with wonderment from here…….not) it has to  be done, no name game this week as it’s a well-known film that has supplied me with the inspiration for this little missive, what can I say except I enjoyed it, enjoy and spread the disease, watch the skies for more incoming and until the very next time ……………..Toodles!

Give up your day job.

Once again, I aint got nothing, I’m as empty as my wallet, I have let my creative juices dry up, I feel like Private Pike as I keep saying to myself “stupid boy” in the voice of Captain Mainwaring and I had been doing so well.

The last cunning plan crashed and burned almost on take-off (I should have known it was never going to be that easy) but rising like a phoenix is the same insane dream just modified with a sense of reality (sort of) regarding the time scale, it’s still a cunning plan, it’s just going to take slightly longer than realised, that gives me a little more time in reality to declutter our lives and to bring the house up to scratch, but rest assured the plan is moving forward. No doubt the further adventures of my lunacy will raise their head as soon as something happens!

I have been incredibly busy at work, so much so that the well has run dry, I can’t multi task or focus on too many things! I still have ideas and sparks of blogs, but by the time I get to resolve my idea and commit to paper, its so watered down the magic has gone from it! To rectify that I have bought two little black books (not to be carried at the same time) to carry with me so that I can jot down those little sparks of an idea! I honestly was never a boy scout, but I do like to be prepared, who knew!

Family life is spiralling at the moment with all of us so busy there is hardly the chance to catch our breath, thankfully the youngest is catching our coat tails and putting us back on the right line, every little helps, the pooch is also doing his best to bring cheer to us all and greets who ever rocks up to the front door with a wag of his tail, thankfully bonfire night wasn’t too stressful for him even though it was like the battle of the Somme on the night itself! (another part of the reason for the cunning plan to crash and burn quite literally).

I will admit to avoiding the TV as much as possible as “Brexit (as in couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery) is incredibly annoying, round them all up put them in a field, and simply leave them there, I’m not wishing anybody any ill will. It’s simply just those people who look after themselves (I wish I got subsidised bait at work) the money jockeys are only looking after themselves (again), I knew that this would happen, hence the reason for avoiding Brexit, I have no intention of discussing this on this particular medium (actually on any medium for that matter), I don’t think that the FBI would help me with any death threats that might come my way, well at least on that subject matter!

Now as we rush headlong into the least favourite part of the year, my birthday and Christmas all in the mix, I cant wait for the 30^th of December to say hiccy burpday to the Mrs, I know that she needs some cheering up, that’s why I keep buying her flowers of late,  I haven’t done anything wrong I just wish to ease her ride through the rich tapestry that we call life, I can be a nice person when I try, I know I need to try a little harder, at least for the wife’s sake, bless her!

I’m hoping that by doing this spontaneous blog the juices erupt like Vesuvius (ooer missus) that does sound wrong even as I read it back to myself, hey ho its done now, I intend to tinker over the weekend to complete something more meaningful, on that note I have decided to try and finally publish “The Whalers Dues” no later than New Year’s day, fingers crossed. It’s taken me longer to finish this particular blog than it has taken George RR Martin has to complete game of scones, at least I think that’s what his series of books are called, I’m not sure, as I’m old and infirm and don’t seem to have much recall these days! I have decided on a path hopefully not full of bitterness and bile, I hope it’s as good as I have thought it was, if not I have wasted a shit load of time trying to polish this particular turd, who knows let’s see how it goes. As always, I’m sure that you all will be vocal and tell me!

The old blogs have been ticking away with most days in double figures for the older ones, someone must be bored as they trawl through the classics (cough splutter) that’s part of the reason why I haven’t put pen to paper (so to speak) why spoil a good thing I would hate to over burden you the discerning reader, music is the order of the day with playing more and more just to fill the void of TV, I have no intention of resorting to Drag Race like the wife does (and yes I knew it wasn’t about cars) life is far too short to waste what little time I have in my life (me full of doom and gloom …..never) I’m sure that it will come out in the wash!

And yes the name game is in play!

So that’s the spur of the moment blog done, already I can feel the juices starting to bubble (no its not flatulence…..hang on it might be) thanks for all the kind words and messages at least none of you have thought I was in a deep dark place, I was I simply have some tools to deal with it so hopefully I am a ray of sunshine to my friends and family (again cough splutter) keep spreading the disease and watch the skies as there will be one arriving a lot quicker than this one, I will post as soon as this one starts to run out of steam, I know you all would like some consistency, so do I let’s see how I do (again I’m sure you will all be vocal) so until the next one………..Toodles!