The Saltwater Imposters

I had a cunning plan to buy myself a new laptop (I couldn’t afford one I was just being petulant because I wanted one not a good sign really) but god in his infinite wisdom decreed that I had a little bit of a lie in the next morning so I took it as a sign that god thought I didn’t really need one! I still had to hit the streets because we needed some bread and I said I would do my good deed of the day but I wish I hadn’t the shops are actually only shut for twenty four hours boys and girls and I have never seen so many aggravated people in my life getting annoyed over parking, standing in line and fighting over the last box of French fancies I was out of the house maybe twenty minutes but I didn’t see much season of good will.

We actually hadn’t had any cunning plans for new year we were just going to play it by ear there is no point us organising anything we live too far away and besides I wouldn’t want to bring friends to Gimpsville good god I want to keep them, it had been the wife’s birthday the day before and she always whinges for six months in the run up to it that she doesn’t want to go out but when it comes to the day (oooh just about noon) she starts going “ I wonder if anybody is interested in going out” well that was defused (thankfully) by E saying “come to ours and we can head off to the Woody and see peeps” so we organised a dog sitter (off to the Kraken’s) we sorted the house and generally just pottered I had started making notes for a blog (One last train heading straight out of Gimpsville) which by the time I published it I knew my heart wasn’t in it because I wanted to finish the book (and if your reading this then hey you have the new book) but notes were required because I know now that I will forget many of the really good details that sometimes make these little ditties humorous.

The bath was run and I soaked forty minutes away (aaah) got hot to trot and just as the wife had set out to head to the Kraken she had received a message that the computer was fixed (another sign for no new lap top) so headed out to get it and tried to do a second good deed of the day and set the bloody thing up (erm no not a good idea) so I did a bad thing nothing that the technical services department of the house couldn’t resolve (that’s the wife if you didn’t already know) I decided seeing as how I was going to be with the wife I would send all my new year texts late afternoon so that people would get them in time and I wouldn’t be too drunk to be annoying (me with my reputation hahahaha I think not) so texts dutifully sent I ended up with one or two back including one from somebody more technologically retarded than myself (calling thunderbird one) so I knew that it was his wife (and I was correct) that had sent it and after a quick phone call to confirm that and new year greetings said the devils device was switched off. We actually had loads of spare time so we set off and headed out of Gimpsville (Consett boys and girls do try and keep up) and traffic was quite light it wasn’t until we got into South Shields that we encountered any difficulties and the wife never lost her cool once (I know I couldn’t believe it either) we swung around the corner on two wheel and the millennium falcon was  directed to a landing spot by a foolhardy member of the ground crew (get out of the way get the hell out of the way) but when we arrived at passport control we were greeted by a terrible sight G was actually drinking (you need to sit down for this one) POP it was unbelievable we nearly turned and left at the point (well ok maybe’s not) but G with pop in his hand I never thought I would see the day.

As I had said there were no plans made but we were going to go with the flow of the great river and see where it would take us and as we had finished our drinks (well it would have been rude not too) we were heading to Kev and Amanda’s who were having a small get together and because E and G were invited on the afternoon we tagged along (as requested)  for a quick drink before pushing back into the flow of the river, Their party was in full swing mode by the time we got there and after saying our hello’s (and indeed serenading G bucket on the doorstep) we had (large) drinks thrust into our hands and the game was indeed afoot, we mingled we drank and then we mingled some more it was at this point that I discovered that the Arga In the kitchen was actually a drinks cabinet (who would have known) and around this time we were all offered at first some Banana rum which was a delightful little number and I shall be scouring the local drink aisles for some (woo hoo) I did decline the Honey rum because I didn’t like the smell and to be honest I was wobbling already as the hosts are indeed fabulous hosts and don’t leave you with an empty glass to be had, there was great music playing in the background (Little Feat who although I don’t a lot about them whenever I hear them I always enjoy them, a bit of Black Sabbath and we finished off with some Sensational Alex Harvey Band  )  there were one or two faces who although I had met before I had never talked to them before but as the night was going really well, everybody talked to everybody and there was some bloody good craic!

The wife’s boots disintegrated and Amanda came to the rescue and because shoes where the order of the day G soon found a young ladies pair and yes you guessed it he was soon parading around the room like a trollop (and he wondered the next morning as to why his feet where bloody sore) the night went so well that even G had to take a break and disappeared into the back yard for some fresh air (well three quarters of a bottle of jack does that to you did I tell you how good our hosts where) we by this time were out of the main stream of the river and were gently going down a little side stream that was just so good you just had to go with the flow. We headed to the local pub ( I believe it was The Lookout but I’m sure I will be corrected at some point) and even more frivolity was had, SMOR was there now whether this had been planned or not I’m not sure because by this time I was incredibly drunk not falling down slur your words type of drunk but drunk nevertheless SMOR was there with a lady friend who we hadn’t met before (was that really the best time to introduce us with our reputation oops!) but we did indeed try to be on our (hahaha) best behaviour I do remember chatting (don’t ask me what about I have no idea but I haven’t been told off yet so that’s a good thing) at this point I did indeed miss quite a few things namely the wife and a new young friend who got up for the karaoke (I didn’t even know there was a karaoke in the bloody pub hahaha how much had I had to drink) we had a little bit extra to drink there was a small scuffle at the bar (allegedly) a small flood on the pool table which because I was in my own little (drunken) universe I missed oh dear how sad at some point we lost SMOR and the lovely Jan and we followed the river that flowed out of the bar and into Tourette’s Jeff’s house which even in my drunken state (and the fact that it was indeed dark) I could admire it was lovely, the place was segregated to smokers and none smokers and the conversation flowed along with all the bloody alcohol I was starting to get on an even keel but I could see the wife starting to slowly sink under the weight of alcohol (not lots but she doesn’t really do alcohol that often so it soon catches up with her) an empty stomach and her head was starting to blitz her (migraine alert) we saw the new year in had some fun with a back to front toilet door handle but slowly but surely we knew the river was picking up a current that we needed to take, we always hate this point because we always seem as if we are the party poopers and have to drag everybody away, but the wind carried us out in the mid-stream and we said our goodbyes and as we were leaving more people turned so we did our best soft cell impersonation and we said hello and waved goodbye and I soon got my bearings and headed towards the nearest star on the chart, and after a short walk we were at our home port now I remember the walk back but I have no recollection and I was dragged by a magnetic current upstairs to that lovely comfy bed (yawn zzz!) the wife followed and although I slept as always the sleep of the dead the wife did indeed suffer a poor night (shows you how much help I can be) and our lovely host (allegedly) stayed up to make a sandwich (no idea drunk as a skunk and fast asleep hahaha) G was abused in the bedroom department (no not by E but by Cookie who was just making a point I believe) and there was the end of our New Years Eve!

I awoke refreshed as always but was the last person down the stairs G was in a cravat and dressing gown  I kid you not and we also got a demonstration of his James Bond style walking stick although I don’t think the manufacturers realised that it could indeed be used as a killing implement but E was sure going to have a bloody good go, the tide had turned and the river was indeed heading back up the hill and because we had babysitting duties once again thrust upon us (Grrr!) so we climbed aboard and waved goodbye not the evening that had been intended but a fantastic night as always.

We arrived home to a house full and although I was sensible and prepared the dinner in advance it was uninspired and I think the wife and I were indeed missing everybody from the previous evening, we ducked we dived we put the grandson to bed and realised that we indeed had started a new chapter in our lives as a new year had indeed started.

We do indeed have many cunning plans and (not so) strange ideas which hopefully will come to fruition but all we can do is really go with the flow land on the shores the river takes us to with our new friends and some saltwater imposters along the way the deed is done and hopefully we can reach our destination without too much hardship or pain.

I hope that you all enjoy reading the Blogs as much as I have enjoyed writing them and hopefully this will be the right step in the right direction, until the next time and maybe another step down memory lane……Toodles!