Gold at the End of my Rainbow

Where did this month go it’s been a real rollercoaster, not emotionally, just busy, busy, busy, to be honest I haven’t been a fan of busy this month, actually I have never liked being busy, I would much rather simply go with the flow, but hey ho here goes.

So work has just been so fast with so much going on, a trip to Watford (I’m sure that’s Latin for “shithole”) we travelled all the way there, only to be told the next day that the course was cancelled (due to a lack of interest) as the tutor had covid, yes that’s still a thing, thankfully it got rescheduled quickly (guess what I have been doing all this week from home) it went better than I thought, but man I am so shit at algebra and hard maths, I avoided algebra at school(because I was thick/special, you decide) but it caught up with me 40 plus years later and handed me my ass in a hat, did I manage to complete it? Yes, but it was meant to be done in 15 minutes for all the three sets, it took me 35 minutes a set, I know because I spent my nights trying to get better, I don’t think it likes me, as my brain certainly hurts with it.

Thankfully tomorrow I return to the real world, but I’m still working from home as I have a hospital appointment, a follow up to my small procedure back in January, I’m not confident that they will tell me anything new, but I don’t intend to miss it, 7 years I have been suffering with this particular ailment, it cant be that bad as it hasn’t killed me …..yet! music has been played but not to the degree that I would like, simply because of course work, I am way too old to be doing this amount of studying, my brain is fried at the best of times, lol, I need a lottery win, knowing my luck I would win big and then become a paraplegic and have to spend all of the money on palliative care, me over think it, hell yeah just a bit! Do you lot not know me LOL.

The four on the floor blog did really good numbers and that’s my excuse for not doing this blog (the reality is I’m not as clever as I thought I was so therefore work won simply because it pays the bills) I had a couple of ideas but they went nowhere, no matter what I did with them, I simply couldn’t get past the 300-word mark, here I am waffling and I am all ready past the 400 mark, goes to prove I can waffle. Having said that there will be more to come, I just need to play a bit more music, no bus journey this week, so I haven’t really played much at all, the title of the blog is a band I’m playing as I batter the keyboard, not from my favourite album by them, but still a lovely song and the vocalist/guitarist is so underrated I really must get stuck into his solo albums but with 70 or so out there its where to start, and no its not Frank Zappa, he’s English, a Yorkshire man no less, but the band were slightly multicultural, but enough clues google it like you lot normally do when it’s a hard one!

For the four on the floor I am deciding whether to alternate between new and older music or discography’s its still up in the air, watch this space, I also have discovered a number of magazines that my brother gave me in a bag under a table, I feel guilty maybe I should read them before I hand them on, I simply used to devour anything to read, now I seem to wander about like a pissed pigeon, not really knowing what to do with life, damn I feel old. The gold at the end of my rainbow is I have a hurricane warning as the Hurricane (the oldest grandson) is here for a short time, this could be interesting, I’m sure there will stories to be told in the next exciting edition of this here blog! Who knows, not me for sure I’m simply going with the flow, I promise I won’t raise my voice more than once a day, well I will give it a go, I will also say prayers to whichever deity will listen to and answer my prayers (Lucifer?) that we don’t have a huge falling out.

So there you go, I know some people expected this a little earlier in the month, but although I like to run my life by the clock, blog writing doesn’t appear to wish to follow those rules, so with the juices flowing there will be something a little sooner than expected next time round and if you believe that you believed every lie Boris fed about brexit, so tonight I intend to put my feet up and chill I might even push the boat out and have a hot chocolate, hot damn us oldies know how to party and kick the door in, so my nurse keeps telling me, so take care (yes covid is still out there) enjoy the blog try and guess the name without googling it, watch the skies for more incoming, keep spreading the  disease(figuratively speaking) and until the next time…………….Toodles!

Four on the Floor – Volume 1.

So, the intention as always is to do some reviews of albums that I have been listening too, rather than get all serious, I intend to be like a man on a galloping horse and do some small pieces, I will try and do as many new albums as I can but some old ones will surface from time to time, give them a go you never know you might just find something that you might like.

Ronnie Romero – Raised on Radio – 5/10.

I like some of the projects that Ronnie has done (Rainbow, Lords of Black, The Ferryman) but I think that he is starting to spread himself just a little too thin and this album kind of proves it, the backing band is the usual suspects from Frontiers supporting team, and although its well-played and well sung, there’s not tons of life in it, I mean he was even part of this year’s Eurovision contest, I was impressed when I stalked him on YouTube when he was announced as Rainbows latest singer (go check it out there’s some great stuff out there) but it has been ever decreasing circles since, he seems to be the go to vocalist at the moment, he’s good just not great on this, I do like the eclectic nature of the choices, I don’t know if he chose the songs or frontiers did, I enjoyed the Grand Funk Railroad cover(its an album of covers in case you didn’t know) I like the Survivor track, he also does the unexpected route with Bad Company and Kansas songs, Brian Howe version and the John Elefante version, so yes marks for taking the lesser know route, towards the end he strays back to the predictable tracks from bands that was to be expected and to be honest I’m sick of them Led Zeppelin (shock Horror) Uriah Heep well played but again he should have gone for a deep cut rather than the track he did, and a certain Bob Dylan track that’s been covered by just about everybody. The best track is a Russ Ballard cover, he should do more like that It’s not a bad album, but to be honest its not a great album either, if this was his school report it would be a case of “can do better”.

Ann Wilson – Fierce Bliss – 7/10.

I’m not a huge Heart fan, I like the odd track from the earlier albums, I still don’t think that they have bettered Barracuda, and I know the band can play just by the calibre of the artists that have played in the band, but for me it got a little safe after Passion Works, good but I had to be in the mood for them, this is not what I expected at all, first the bad news, I didn’t care much for two of the three covers (Queen and Jeff Buckley) but her version of a well known Robin Trower song is lush and suits her voice, I think the rest of the album is original material and is all good her voice even at her age is incredible and the album is a pleasant surprise, if you want a pleasant surprise and a little bit of a curve ball this is a great album to do that, oh and while I am on this, if Jimmy Page wants to tour he should take this lady out because she could sing the living crap out of his back catalogue and would have fun doing it!

Scorpions – Rock Believer -6/10.

This is a good album (ignore the scoring for a minute) its like classic scorpions (think Lovedrive/Blackout) however it just misses the mark as the production is very……..Polished, it somehow manages to miss the magic, will I play it again hell yeah I will, but I would play the two aforementioned albums first if I have them on my MP3 player before this, there are riffs galore, thunderous drums and Klaus Meine doing what he always does, however there is just the sprinkle of fairy dust that seems to be missing, I read somewhere that they intended to work with Dieter Dierks that might have pushed them to the former heights that they had hit, do I like it yes I do, there is much to love but there are a couple of tiny niggles in the back of my head saying its just not quite there, it still rocks like a hurricane and there’s an additional 5 extra songs on the deluxe addition that takes the album over the hour mark, maybe if they had picked the best 10/11 songs that little bit of polish would have been there.

Aldo Nova – The Life and Times of Eddy Gage. 6/10.

I have a love hate relationship with Mr Nova, I love his first two albums, drifted a little with the third and hated what he did with Jon Bon Jovi, then he drifted into making money with Celine Dion, came back with a really good instrumental album and then shot himself in the head with a recording of his debut which sucks, I played it once and deleted it as soon as I possibly could, never have I hated something that I previously loved so much, I get why bands do it, they don’t own the copyright and so don’t make money but there’s a few bands out there that have done this and have come in pretty close to the original, close but never quite getting across the line, if I had wrote this last week as planned it probably would have been an 8, however I have played it a few more times and the annoying things have outweighed the good, he has allegedly had over 150 songs to choose from……..hmmm it is actually a good album well played some guitar parts that wouldn’t go amiss on a Joe Satriani album and in some parts he sounds like Buck Dharma (always a good thing) but he ends the album with a piano led instrumental that meanders along the way, I’m sure if you have 150 songs you could have closed the album with a better one than this, it reeks of B-side, actually as a B-side it would have worked much better, will I play it again, depends on my mood but yes I do believe I would, now lets go and play the original version of the debut album and kick some serious amounts of BUTT!

 

And there you have it, the new formula for me to impart my words of wisdom regarding music, I have played, with more to come, enjoy and as always until the next time Toodles!

No one knows my plan.

This is a smash and grab blog simply to set out yet another cunning plan going forwards, this is not the blog intended as I let my notes in my (new) locker at work, D’oh! I really don’t want to do it from scratch so you only need to wait until next week and it is going to be a musical blog, and the blogs will once again be starting to ramp up as it is without a doubt a great help when I have a certain “Black Dog” visiting me.

Now it will not be loads and loads of blogs, but I would like to do one every 14 to 21 days (hopefully) and the intention is to be a mix of shite in my head and some musical one and hopefully a couple of hysterical I mean historical ones, and if all goes to plan I will be a monkey’s uncle, I start with good intentions, that’s not to say that it will be successful, we can but try.

The blogs numbers have been through the roof over the last couple of weeks, someone has been reading blog after blog, someone needs therapy (that’s why I write them) but there has also been some good feedback, and some small interaction regards content, all good and constructive, advice that I shall heed going forward. But the seed of inspiration has been sown and the saplings are bursting into life, now if I can only remember to bring the bloody notes home, I usually have a book on me to write any burst of creativity, which seem to be growing all the while, is this a good thing time will tell.

The name game is in play and whilst I’m not exactly a huge fan of the band I worked with somebody who would play the bloody thing over and over again, and that’s this one done, I’m not expecting big numbers on this one as it’s a stop gap measure until the next one which will be called…….” Four on the floor” and they will be numbered (told you I had a plan) small reviews of stuff I am listening to at this moment in time. Some old some new you will get the picture when it pops up, there will also be a new “Now Hear This” blog coming as there has been a flurry of questions from around the world, thankfully no rednecks as of yet! If you don’t know don’t worry about it, its not really as exciting as it was, I’m too old for this cack.

I’m on holiday at the moment I should be listening to even more music, however the freezer in the kitchen is trying to die, and its louder than a motorhead concert, thankfully the man is coming tomorrow the rest of the weekend shall be me lying around like a loppy dog doing as little as possible, unless I feel the urge to write!

So, there you have it, I’m like a man on a galloping horse, I was going to go for a walk, however I would be as wet as an otters pocket, the rain is that heavy, there is no such thing as bad weather just the wrong clothes, I will see if it will drown out the noise of the freezer grinding away! So watch the skies there will be more incoming as soon as I can get my notes, I don’t intend to go to work to pick them up, until the next time stay safe and stay alive, keep spreading this   disease………………….Toodles!

You Don’t Have to Be Old to Be Wise!

But it certainly does help, its funny that you only discover that as you indeed do get old.

This is the blog I have been threatening people with and its just as well as I have been playing tons of music both old and new, music has helped, as I’m definitely on an up trajectory, lets see how long before I crash and burn, so let’s go back in the mists of time to a time when Judas Priest was starting their ever upward climb to success.

I have seen Judas Priest every time that they have played in Newcastle since the stained class tour in 1978, damn I feel old, who knew that would happen, they always had good support bands, the sign of a great band is that it takes out any band, it just makes you up your game, and they always brought their A game. Some of the support bands including Iron Maiden, City Hall and Mayfair, white heat although I don’t remember any of their songs I did watch them, Quiet Riot, Accept who were great for the first two songs then they got Udo Dirkschneider’s microphone switched on LOL ,Queensryche who were dreadful, a band I thought I would have loved (the first EP yes then less with each passing album) and they were terrible every time I saw them, at the arena I had no option as I was on the guest list and it would have been churlish to spend all of their set in the bar, Bonfire, Annihilator, they are the ones I remembered.

I have met them a few times usually at my former place of work, I did try to go to see them at a signing at Volume Records however it helps if you turn up on the right day, D’OH! All of them were lovely even KK Downing who played the rock star to the hilt, me and a friend had some inside information for the painkiller tour as to what hotel they were staying in, so we waited all day outside and we thought we had been sold a puppy as they didn’t turn up, well they did but after the gig not before D’oh! I nearly broke my neck to meet Rob Halford, he ducked into a coffee shop at my former place of work and sat and laughed as he and a friend watched my antics as I searched for him he had been on the first floor and I was on the ground floor, he had seen my reaction when I had spotted him and he knew I was going to give chase, at least I amused him for thirty minutes (in a non-sexual manner LOL)it was a time before mobile phones and he was shocked that I didn’t even want his autograph I just wanted to thank him for the gigs I had seen, he was a down earth bloke and a true gent.

I was suffering a massive hay fever splurge on the Ram it Down tour ,it was so bad a friend had the bootleg of the gig for the support band and all you can hear between songs is me sneezing that was a fun gig….NOT! and I was in the balcony and the bootleg was recorded in front of the mixing desk downstairs, The best opening I saw was when they had Accept opening for them, they opened with Solar Angels from the Point of Entry album and I thought the album was a tad poppy, live Solar Angels was amazing and then KK and Glen came upon towers from behind screens great effect, but it was only used  for the opening, must have cost a fortune for 20 seconds, I enjoyed it. My favourite drummer will always be Les Binks who stayed outside the city hall for more than hour to chat to fans, Dave Holland was ok but got annoyed that we only ever wanted to talk about Trapeze, and Scott Travis is simply a machine and a nice guy, I never got to see them with Ripper but I love both studio albums with him and again I have seen him out of the band but another gent and a true fan of priest their music and their fans.

I’m sure at one of the gigs I lusted after my (now) wife I simply can’t remember the tour it was on and I cant find the ticket to confirm (we tell the same tale and we both look at each other and are amazed) it. I nearly had to walk home (15 miles) from the Painkiller tour, thankfully someone who I vaguely knew took pity as they passed me and got me to Gimpsville, I only had to walk a mile from the town centre to where I was living at the time, I soon moved to Heaton as it made more sense. I remember Halford nearly being dragged into the audience when he cracked his whip above the audience’s heads at the city hall, I bet he never did that again and yes he lost the whip, my brother had a great tape of the bands sound checking that he lifted from the sound desk from the Mayfair, again years before tape to tape facilities and he was trusting  and lent to a person I always thought was shifty and he never got the tape back, we both stopped trusting people at that point!

I think its funny that its nearly 10 years since they last played in Newcastle I know they were meant to support Ozzy but the tour kept getting pushed back further and further I doubt I will ever get to see them again, but you never know, mind you the state of my knees and now I have an issue with my hip, all tied in with my knees, so there you go I can keep a promise, a historical (not hysterical) one, the blog has been doing nice numbers sometimes good even but not what they have done in the past, and I can live with that, I may start doing it on a more regular pace as my mood is lifted after I do one, I might do the odd musical review one as well nothing major just some little blurbs who knows what tomorrow brings, I certainly don’t !

So onwards to the next one and I haven’t decided what it will be, or even when it will be, it all depends on my mood for the day, I have a couple gestating, just not sure if they are where I wish to go, I might go totally native we will just have to wait and see, so as always watch the skies for incoming, please keep spreading the disease as people are still “discovering” the blog so I must be doing something right, I simply don’t know what it is, so until the next time…………………..Toodles!

And for once no the name game is not in play, you don’t have to be thick to work it out…..or do you?

A Time to Dance.

No names, no pack drill, if you know you know, if you don’t, well just enjoy the waffle!

So, the world has kept turning but I have tried to do my best to remain in my own little bubble outside of work, one of the issues that I suffer from, I really don’t feel wanted, so I don’t belong, at least that what I keep telling myself. We missed the boat on Friday simply because I thought the FM tour was in May and our last minute invitation was denied, simply as the wife was in no shape to go and stalk Mr Overland, after pulling a muscle in her already bad back, a bit more of a warning we probably could have prepared for it, but for once we missed the boat, its ok I have seen them over 50 times but hey ho you know it would have meant mixing with the great unwashed.

The next day we had been long in preparation to celebrate some birthdays and the birth of a new star all rolled into one, I had been counting down the days for it, however I was still full of trepidation as it was really the first proper time out in a pub, all unmasked I felt like a member of Kiss in some weird alternate universe……..well maybe not quite! but I’m getting ahead of myself (as always), this again was not the blog I had prepared, but I thought I should do something to celebrate re-joining the human race.

I had burrowed deep into the earth not wanting to share my collective experience and I had kind of enjoyed it, I hadn’t really been missed by anybody (or so I had thought) when the invite arrived I was happy but nervous all in the same moment in time, the venue I had been invited to a few times over the years but in reality its too far out of the way for a public transport person to go, then I met my wife and things became easier but the venue changed hands a few times. Ok so it has only taken me 34 years to actually get to it, a mixture of belated 50^th birthdays and the launch of a new local band, it was also the night we met the youngest’s “boyfriend” we both warned each other to be on our best behaviour, we were, but the plan fell at the second hurdle, not by our hand but more of that later, I was up early on the morning and I had my countdown pre flight check and cunning plan all sorted, this was not going to go wrong, I was in charge…..well kind of, everything was going to plan until the wife managed to add 9 minutes to the schedule, I held my nerve and my mouth, be calm was the mantra for the evening.

Once on the road the smoke signals were sent to say that we were on our way, destination should be achieved within the allotted travel time (me obsessed with time…..who knew) we arrived safely and picked up our cargo, the journey on to our final destination was muted to say the least, we were all on our best behaviour, we arrived at the venue, early, even so there were two trips around the car park before deciding to park down the street, then a slow walk back to the venue, young couple ahead, old couple limping behind. We climbed Everest to the designated area, and we were first, how the hell did that happen?  We arrived in time to catch the tail end of the soundcheck, the room was readied, no small feat considering there had been a bouncy castle in the room two hours previously.

The girls grabbed a seat and I dragged the “boyfriend” still an alien term (she is my baby even at 27) back down the stairs as the bar upstairs wasn’t yet manned, I’m good but I wasn’t carrying 4 drinks up all those stairs, small talk ensued, I played the dutiful father, and I was a good boy even to the point of ensuring he got a drink and not a soft drink he had asked for (pfft as if) then back up the stairs to wait for the onslaught, yes my work head was on (as it always is) and I situated our group next the only fire exit (and did a quick calculation as to how many people could be in there) I then turned my attention to the band who were dealing with sonic issue, I noticed some expensive equipment and was soon working out how to get that Gibson Explorer out of the room, I wasn’t too bothered about the BC Rich, lots of expensive keyboards, nice but I wasn’t expecting Rick Wakeman, this was music that although I didn’t mind , I didn’t have a lot invested in, I was here to celebrate a lovely couples landmark birthdays ( I wish I was that bloody young) and a debut vocal performance, judging by the soundcheck we were not going to be disappointed, the soundcheck over people started to show up most faces were familiar, I didn’t know them to speak but I would say I recognised about 30% of the audience, soon it was time for the big moment.

Now this will be short and to the point, I knew all of the tracks and could actually sing along to them all, but as I said this wasn’t my favourite genre of music, but I was going to be entertained and in reality that’s all you could ask for, not a full set list but some of the bands covered included OMD (one song instead of two next time) leave some gas in the tank, that will come with more time to polish the act, Phil Collins (I loved as it was really authentic in the guitar playing) Depeche mode, which I thought was going to be the song of the night, Ultravox again two songs ,I like the band but mix and match a little more, Fiction Factory who I remembered but I thought I had had a stroke as the name of the band refused to come out of my filing system of a brain, not expected but enjoyed, Kraftwerk again a joy and a revelation and the track of the night as the vocalist declared “he loves the song” Gary Numan, the set was a resounding success, the vocals were great however the only criticism was you could tell how hard they had worked as the banter was so quiet between songs because , nothing wrong with the banter, but speak as you would sing, directly into the microphone, I will even forgive the acapella version of Baby Shark, it goes to show that you know how to work a crowd.

A couple of hints to add to the setlist some Japan, Blancmange, you get the vibe, and I promise I wont shout for Tales of Topographic Oceans (ask your wife she knows) I’m sure there’s a lot more than can be added maybe even a couple more OMD and Ultravox but keep it in single numbers for the set, just my humble opinion, mind you most people are pissed when they go to see a band anyway!

The keyboards were sumptuous and the guitar suited the songs  not too loud and raw, I’m glad to see musicians playing to suit the music and not to suit their egos, now this isn’t a “review” simply a few well thought out observations, the next time we come to see you, trust me that will be a review, but on tonight’s showing I’m hoping to see them a few more times, damn good and a big thumbs from the short fat bald speccy guy about half way back in the room, now all you have to do is breathe and do it in a hostile environment with people who don’t give a shit, personally I think the whole band will wipe the floor of any audience who isn’t listening and win them over, go figure that’s my honest opinion!

The night from my point wasn’t perfect as I managed to spill my drink over the wife, I behaved and didn’t have a strop, I had a great night with great company ( although I’m sure I have the start of onset Alzheimer’s because although I have enjoyed the company of the couple sat next to us I had another stroke trying to reminder their names (still no good I will have to ask, for the sake of my own sanity) we made the way back to the car, which was fine however I had been expecting it to be on bricks for some reason, the return journey was more of the same but with a little more conversation between all four of us, we dropped them off for the chippy, then we headed back to Gimpsville and time to  watch the Toon win again on match of the day, good god what has gone wrong with the world?

Now we behaved on the night, but a certain rapscallion (I mean that with the greatest love and respect) nearly raped me as I stood at the bar waiting to be served, oh I have missed his company, he then arrived like Lord Flash heart next to the wife and then discovered the “boyfriend” who he only slightly molested, he told me off twice for spilling my drink, and had the audacity to be shocked when I groped his wedding package at the end of the night (see you didn’t like it lol)but that force of nature was what was needed to drag me back from my self-imposed drudgery, its at this point all that I have written so far has been without the use of my notes, I better check to see if I have missed anything, me with my reputation!

It would appear that I hadn’t missed anything of any note, the name game is in play I was going to use a song from the set last night however I chose not to, I picked from an album that I was playing as I started typing this, if you get it right you will have googled it. And so a blog completed with nearly as much fun as the band last night maybe that’s all I need is to re-enter the “actual” world, I’m not sure if I am ready for that just yet, still a work in progress, but it has reignited the passion for writing and I promise the next one will be the that was intended two blogs ago, so thanks for a great gig, a great party, some great company, and well an injection of FUN! Today I have set about my chores with some relish for a change, my work bag is packed, so all I have to do today is finish this and get it posted, maybe just maybe there might be another  one sooner than you thought possible these days, so spread the disease, watch the skies for the incoming, until the next please one stay safe, the actual disease is still out there, but until then……Toodles!

Deadline.

I know, I know, I know I’m late and to be honest this is not the blog that I had planned, that one will come sooner than this one (allegedly), as it is planned out, notes and all its just not written…………...yet!

Why the delay I simply couldn’t deliver, I had no get up and go, the brain was willing but I simply couldn’t be motivated, I kept looking at the blank page and I thought if I wasn’t inspired then maybe its for the best if I don’t put anything to the page, I mean I could have but I wanted to do it for the sake of inspiration not simply because it was “expected” all the ground work was done, but I  couldn’t commit to it (a man who…..yes lets not go there) so it sat there and I kept looking at it, tweaking it, making sure that the facts are right, yes it’s a musical one, yes it’s a historical(not hysterical) one, but it seems like forever since I did one, I don’t know what the audience want…….that would be you lot, so rather than second guess I sat on my hands and looked at the  blank screen.

So, to break the log jam I thought I would do this one, a topical typical one like I have done recently, now this one will be a short one but hopefully it will answer the questions that have popped up. A few peeps have queried why I have decided to retreat from digital life, I haven’t I’m just reducing the time I’m on here, I will still post from time to time simply a little less! Hopefully you see that the vibe is slightly up, a tad happier, I’m putting that down simply down to the digital retreat, not worrying what people who in reality don’t matter think about me, they don’t so why should I really give a shit, guess what I don’t, who knew lol!

Music has broken back into my heart again which has also helped, now don’t get me wrong, I am still a mess but I’m not stressing the big stuff, I’m enjoying work, I have taken up reading again, not work related, I have also shock horror started watching TV, what me? yup you read that right, not lots but more than I normally would, and I would recommend the “Peacemaker” series simply for the rocktastic soundtrack, oh yes!

I have concerns for my brother and his family as they have all been struck down with the deadly infection, I was going to go down and paint a red cross on the front door, but he would still catch me even in his weakened state of mind, so no I think I will give it a miss, I myself have still been in the wars since my fall in January, but don’t worry I have an appointment at the back end of May, yes you read that right May, mind you I have been under the quack for my galloping gut rot and that’s 4 years and counting with no success at all!

My life issues are still the same, I’m simply going with the flow and the wife and youngest and her (ahem) boyfriend will be re-entering public life when we g to see a friend make his live debut with a band, seems so alien to see actual people, this will be the big test, baby steps boys and girls, baby steps, it seems actually like a lifetime since we had any social life, with actual people, I’m not sure I have anything to wear, I’m sure that it will be fine, and I promise I shall be on my best behaviour as I meet the youngest’s boyfriend, for the first time, I will play nice………honest!

So that’s the log jam broken I promise the next one will be here by easter (I’m not saying which one) I just need to write it, go figure! Someone has yet again been rereading the old ones obviously with the crap weather, enjoying a nice cuppa and a warm fire and some shite to read lol and so we move on, watch the skies, you never know the next will be resurrected like Jesus, but on the digital front I will come up to periscope depth from time to time so until then…………………………Toodles!

Oh and yes the name game is in play........even if i think its a tad easy!

Toxicity.

I have failed yet again in my attempt at having a sense of humour! No matter what I have tried over the last six weeks, it all turns BLACK!

I feel like a certain character out of The Fast Show, I simply need to get an easel, thankfully because I have prevailed, I have at last started to climb out of the morass of ill feeling that has been surrounding me, I would also like to thank all of you the discerning readers who have latched on and have been rereading all of the old blogs, and again thanks for all of the kind words, they have indeed helped. If anybody has noticed or even cares I am slowly but surely removing myself from social media, I’m not going to delete the accounts, I will still control them as much as one can. The reason why the last blog was musical was simply because I was at my lowest ebb ever, I was trying to stay positive but I couldn’t, so to fill the gap I went with what I know and that was music, it didn’t do great numbers but it did OK for what it was. By the end of the year the only place where I will be posting will be here on the blog.

By removing myself slowly from social media, rather than going cold turkey, my self esteem has been slowly building trying to retrieve some kind of sanity, I have been suffering from major bouts of jealousy, Misery and all of the other bad feelings that were simply overwhelming me, I wasn’t simply being a big girls blouse, I was deep in the hole and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it out, I decided that I would simply remove myself from my work Farcebook page, stop posting altogether and see the reaction, I waited 53 days before someone even noticed and asked if I was alright, I’m glad it was that length of time as they might simply have got a mouth full of abuse/bile, thankfully the climb had started. Having said that I felt worthless that it took so long for anybody to notice I wasn’t there, especially as I was normally prolific annoying the shit out of my former boss at my former job, generally trying to be a fun and happy person, not one person missed me, I could have been lying dead somewhere, it kind of puts your life into some kind of perspective, love those close to you and keep them in your hearts.

I blame Christmas and the fact that I was allowed time off, I could fester to my hearts delight, my black heart! it was the first time in nearly 35 years, there’s a term for it I’m sure I will remember it at some point, I retreated into my own shell and although we had a nice Christmas I was sinking slowly, even Bob wanted nothing to do with me, he did want to be named the guilty party for pushing me truly over the edge. I do try and keep myself busy when I’m off, simply pottering here and there, But this time I would simply sit there and stare blankly at the world and hating it, hating it with every fibre in my body, life wasn’t fair and I wanted to bite back, I wasn’t being fair to anyone, everything was bleak, it’s the only way that I can describe it. The wife kept trying to throw me a life line and I simply kept throwing it back at her, this was my problem not hers I didn’t want to talk I didn’t want saved I was simply waiting for that big wave to come in and claim me!

I went back to all of my bad habits, staring inward, eating all the wrong things, I put weight on that simply didn’t help, I didn’t want to be happy, even music the great redeemer did nothing, many times I simply went to work and left my MP3 players in the house, I wanted to wallow like a whale in my misery, I was good at it, work was simply that work, again no joy, I don’t think I have the words to say how bad it was, it was probably the closest I have ever being to doing something stupid, not self-harm, but to be self-destructive, I drank in the house again which spiralled into eating the wrong things again and my mood spiralling ever downward. I have nobody but myself to blame, I did everything I could to break my heart over and over again, I simply didn’t care for myself or anybody else, that is the worst thing that I could be so selfish, I honestly never thought I would or even could be, but there was the proof, I always say as long as I wake up happy, I’m happy with life, I went to bed praying that I wouldn’t wake up and I awoke cursing the fact that I woke the next morning!

Why did I feel like this, simply because of the pain that I thought I was causing my loved ones, that they would indeed be better off without me, alcohol helps those feelings, when I’m in the house I can drink to excess (for me anyway)  I realise that I was drinking way too much, I’m not a heavy drinker by any stretch of any imagination, but it was heavy for me, and it caused me  severe mental health problems, thankfully I only ever drank at weekends and never on a school night, I would go to work with animosity in my heart, I would spend long hours thinking were I had gone wrong, I know I hadn’t gone wrong, life is what it was, but when that mood arrives there is not a lot anybody can do, I pitied myself and that drove me further away from my family and friends, thoughts of being alone with no family or friends, isolation was self-inflicted, it always is, I realise as I enter my final innings, we are born alone we die alone, sometimes that sweet oblivion cannot be close enough! I’m sure that’s a theme I have touched on more than once.

I have been conflicted about family, I love my family, but I wonder why my family life has been so fractured, why does a father desert his family and make no effort to stay in touch, I think it didn’t affect me as a kid, but those seeds are buried deep and like Japanese Knot weed almost impossible to eradicate, I have always tried to be a better parent than my father, I like to think I have been, but the gnawing is always there, so many questions I would ask, if he was still alive, is he dead, why does it bother me now, it gnaws and gnaws, that’s when jealousy creeps in and I hate myself even more.

In the middle of all this I was having major memory issues, it was a nightmare, simple things that normally I would know, gone lost to God knows where, it didn’t help my mood swings, I’m still having issues but I am trying exercise mentally, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t, but there are still some big gaps in my memories, maybe it’s the onset of dementia, that’s all I need, actually it is that could solve the main problem, I could sit and drool to my heart’s content! Damn that’s not the happiest wish in this blog, is it?

I then had a fall on my way to work, one small patch of ice one giant leap for mankind and I was like a superstar of the winter Olympics, you couldn’t bend wire the shape I landed, yes it hurt, no I didn’t bounce, a nice lady stopped to see if I was alright, I wasn’t but I soldiered on, one foot in front of the other, I bashed my head, cracked my collar bone, a few ribs, I got through the day but when I got home all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep, well that’s what I did, and had a deep sleep, I dreamed about people who I worked with all through my life in all of the jobs that I have worked I woke in a deep pool of sweat as there was a person in my dream I couldn’t remember his name and every time I couldn’t remember his name something bad happened, it was a weird dream, but when I woke I spent an hour trying to remember his name and for the love of money it simply wouldn’t come, that’s a really bad feeling to have at 3 in the morning, when the dam broke, I nearly cried with relief, the mind is a bad thing to mess with and I felt like I was playing with something dangerous, I honestly thought I was losing my marbles!

My physical health was destroyed and in a bad way, thankfully I am back on an even footing no drinking at the weekend, trying to get my diabetes back on track as well, that will take more than a couple of weeks, a minor surgical procedure was meant to help me with my ongoing medical issues, it didn’t help and it just poses more questions, questions that aren’t being addressed by a medical professional, I feel like a professional complaint coming on, I might even go for the scorched earth approach just burn the it all fucking down,  I have had this condition going on nearly 4 years and I’m sure its probably at the base of all my other issues, watch this space! And yes, I am still in pain since my fall slowly getting better, except my collar bone, at times like this I wish I could retire forever!

Then at the beginning of this week, it felt like the sun was trying to break through, I do feel better, well a little bit better, still single digits, but that’s an improvement on the last 12 weeks I can tell you, and so to the retreat, music is creeping back into my life, as is my family, and I do appear to be a tad less bleak when I wake each morning, The social media profile shall be pruned back to its roots I don’t want it to die I simply want to be in control, this will be the last blog that will be advertised on Farcebook, I know I will get some people genuinely concerned about me don’t be it is what it is, there’s nothing anybody other than myself can do, I shall still post at least once a month you will simply have to look to see if I have posted, I do with good intention intend to try and write something humorous, musical, historical, watch this space is all I can offer. So here is the deal, the intention is to try and write something no later than the last week of every month, so you will really have to watch the skies if you do indeed want a dose of my life.

So to close the longest blog in a while, I have shaved this down by over 80%, I have pages and pages of misery that I intend to burn once this is posted, time to put my best foot forward and simply take a deep breath and try to live each day to the best of my ability, that may not be very good to some of you, but it’s all I can promise, so until the next time, take care and stay alive…………….TOODLES!