Face Behind the Scream.

Please don’t panic, the world really did start spinning again, this is the aftermath, so if you read the last one you will be aware the arse dropped out of my world for a split second, it seemed longer as I had been institutionalised and I didn’t know what was going on in the outside world, some nice people told me to breathe and pointed me off down the road!

So I applied for 142 jobs in the space of 4 weeks, yes I know I panicked and thought of quantity over quality, I didn’t believe in myself , thankfully others did, some of the applications are still to close but I didn’t care, I was third time lucky, I would have loved the first job at a local health authority, but there wasn’t really enough prep time as the NHS is ever so slightly different with their own standards, add in the fact I was like a rabbit in the headlights, come on first external interview in ages (I had hair, yes that long ago) they let me down easy and I got some excellent feedback, which I took on board and moved on.

The second one was a long shot and a big step backwards but it would have suited me, however the main man didn’t like me, I got the vibe straight away, he saw  me as a threat, the others loved me and could see what I could bring to the table, it again was a curveball, I simply didn’t wish to be unemployed, they kept me hanging around for a second interview and again the guy was so petty, simply picking on silly things I knew I hadn’t got it but part of me insisted that I still try my best, and I did, the other person in the interview was pissed because they liked me they knew what I was bringing to the table, it was a no in the end but at least I gave it a shot. The other person sent a short email saying that they were going to pass my information to other companies, and they were true their word, unfortunately all too far for me to travel to, but they thought I was worth a punt!

At this point I went off to the job centre, who were to be blunt no use to me, the chap was nice enough, pleasant and polite but couldn’t get me out the door quick enough, even the security guard apologised as I was escorted out, damn I’m old when did they need Guards, I lived through the Thatcher years there was no need for them then? I had to do it all online, I filled the form in and was told they would be in touch within five weeks, what the actual fuck, no help no humanity, no nothing, I know I have been employed for a long time but what about empathy and what if I had worked for a really shit company who folded and no redundancy, how the hell are you supposed to last 5 weeks with no money damn, I thought it was the eighties all over again that’s the 1880’s, I would rather rob a bank and do time than go through that again!

Cunning plans were blown out of the water and I had to endure the meltdown, but this is the new me I was formulating new plans before the dust had even settled, move on adapt and overcome and all that bullshit, all the while with my diabetes causing me all the same issues, pointless going to the dr’s they will simply start over again from the beginning, time to rely on me and suffer the consequences further down the road.

Then suddenly the clouds parted and there were rays of sunshine, an interview, me and the daughter did some reconnaissance, we found out how to get there (it was a long walk)  discovered that there was a limited bus service, morning and night for staff, good job done, we headed home and then did the same thing, only this time we used the bus service, it was all good and doable, the interview was a day long, yes you read that right, and not as intensive as I feared, I made notes before, during and after, I remembered all of the great advice I got after my first interview, I thought it went well and was pleased as I got home, the next day I got  a call from the agency lady who was dealing with my application (its all very technical these days) “you seemed nervous” they said WTF! They would like to do an informal chat on Monday, the weekend I was crushed I had done all the right things and been as positive as I could be, I over thought the whole day all weekend, the longer the weekend went the more my confidence was holed below the waterline (the first reference in many blogs). Monday came and I put a brave face on and tried to do my best, I needn’t have worried because I knew straight away, I had got it, the following days have been a blur, the wife says she won’t take my picture on my first day even though I am going to work in a place of education, am I happy about it, HELL YEAH!

For some reason over the last few days the previous blogs have been getting read and I realised I missed this, so the cunning plan was revised the idea of reviewing music will run along side all of this, the blog will return, long live the blog, as I realised I needed it more than I thought, so here we go again, watch the skies for more incoming, help me keep spreading the disease, but until then there’s only one thing to say………….Toodles!

 

And yes, the name game is in play, it’s a bit of a curveball see if you can guess it!

Back in Black

 

I didn’t intend to continue to blog in this style, I had other plans, but they were stopped in grand style, this is what is happening and what I want people to know.

The world stopped turning only for a split second, but it has got me on my knees at this moment in time, a true world of pain and shit but I am not beaten, and I will not retreat! Its safe to say that I am not in a good place, or a good frame of mind, my love for life and the world just ground to a dead stop. I lost my job, after 35 years and various different roles the world stopped shopping and retailers stopped paying their rent or their service charge, so my company couldn’t afford to pay me or a number of others, it was a shock, but I soon shook my head and cracked on, what I wasn’t prepared for was a whole lot of back stabbing and people avoiding the bigger picture, there was still some lovely genuine people who I have a lot of time for and a whole heap of respect but there was some a great deal of back stabbing and empire building going on.

I’m not worried about them as they will reap what they sow as the blood letting will continue at a later date, its just a shame the way it came to a halt, if you are one of the good people (you know who you are) run far and run fast as there will be a whole heap of pain still to come, but this blog isn’t about them, it’s about me and the hole I have dug myself into and at the moment I have started using dynamite to dig myself in even further. Music which was to be the new direction stopped the day the earth stopped rotating for that nano second, whilst the earth as resumed its course music has been virtually silent, I am still playing some, but nowhere near as much as I would normally, I am at home 99% of the time with my collection and I barely play one or two albums on the days that I even do play music, and its made me angry so very angry, no matter how much I give my head a shake I know I am hurtling down a path I have no desire to go but at the moment I have no desire to stop it either!

I know I can reach out to some truly wonderful people, and some wonderful people have indeed been so helpful, I can’t thank them enough, but it would appear that I can’t even help myself which then spirals out into loathing hatred and anger all directed at me myself and I! I don’t want to involve anybody, I know this is my worst trait, this is me sending up flares warning people to steer clear, I am not in a good place, a place of my own doing and I simply wish not to bite any helping hands, I got myself here I need to want to have the desire to climb back out of the hole before it gets too deep, I am isolated and keep knocking helping hands away, I’m sorry its my default position, why should people want to help me when I won’t/can’t help myself, damn I don’t even like myself.

I feel like I am drowning and keep refusing to put on a life jacket god, knows how the family are putting up with the mood swings, nothing directed at anybody else it’s all internal, its all aimed at me but there will always be shrapnel, I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t want to lose anyone simply because I’m a knob! What’s not helping is my PTSD/BOB has raised there twin heads and are circling for an opening, the PTSD had been going so well, but my sleep pattern has been affected which is simply not helping, all the tricks I was taught and were doing so well with, because of everything is stressing me out a little chip here and a little chip there is sending my anxiety levels back to old levels , again I know what is causing it, but all of my tricks seems ineffectual simply because I am doubting and not believing in myself.

Nothing is going as planned I have been unemployed for four weeks and I have applied for 142 jobs three replies three interviews, but everything is being done through agencies and god they are like car salesman ……fucking slimy! The main problem is I don’t drive, I knew this would be an issue but they hang up on you so fast its simply rude, I used to be so good at adapting and thinking on the go but I am simply doubting myself, it all chips away, I’m good I know I’m good I have a good reputation within the industry that I work in, but it means jack shit if it is even a millimetre off from what they want, I get it I really do but its so impersonal and downright degrading, I feel like a piece of meat in the butchers being pawed at and then thrown back on the scrap heap. Now I know this is not a unique situation damn it, I went through it after I left the army and I had a couple of years working here and there, but after 35 years building up a skill set in one place the world has moved on in the last year never mind the last 35. At the moment everything is black, as black as its ever been and I really don’t know if I have the tools to get the hell of it, I honestly don’t want help I simply hate my life at the moment, it is what it is and am I’m simply angry at the world and at myself!

The mood doesn’t help me or anybody within my local sphere (thankfully just the family at the moment) but that will change over the coming weeks, everything I seem to be touching is simply turning to shit, the return of “Bob” is stifling any creativity that I have and again I need to get him out of my life and get everything back to an even keel. At the moment it’s like I am simply trying to sabotage everything in my life, a reason why I have returned to blogging as I need to have an outlet other than howling at the moon like the lunatic I used to be, I have no intention of returning to those days but I’m hurtling towards lunacy at an alarming rate.

I know I have already pissed some people off, there’s not a lot I can do about that I feel as though my world is totally Fugazi, I am placing the sand bags in all of the openings and getting into a siege mentality, I cant remember the last time I was so angry with myself or even the world for that matter it’s been a while, all the cunning plans have been derailed as well just when I thought we could resolve our problems the big guns come out to play with us and boy they are simply pouring salvo after salvo at us. Onwards like a good soldier I know I will have these blips but it’s hard and I hate failing!

My/The world has changed I get that, I know I wont be missed by many at my old place of work, that’s just the way it goes and there is literally about 5 people who I will miss myself, but I cant look back I have to look forward and continue to give my head a shake, I can’t fail I won’t fail, its simply not an option, this blog is not a blog to get people to feel sorry for me, I wouldn’t want that for anything I am just forewarning people I will bite in my present state of mind, that’s not what I want but I do feel as though I am back into a corner and bad things are trying to get the better of me, they won’t but I need to adjust and hopefully people can adjust around me.

Thank you to everybody who has been kind enough to ask how I am, I did the first 2 music things and like I said at the start I have been put on my arse, I need to get music back in my life I cannot recall a time in my life where  I haven’t played music as long as this, music is the good stuff, music is the great leveller of any mood, music is simply everything, I’m not sure if I will return to blog on a more regular basis, I simply needed to vent, let’s see how I feel after this particular venting, I had intended to do it earlier this weekend, but I got my ass handed to me and this morning was the closest thing to a proper meltdown that I have had in a while, I have found the process of writing my notes then tweaking this over the course of the day has helped, not perfectly but it’s a start, job interview number two tomorrow, I would like this one even though its for considerably less than what I was on. I simply want to be back in the land of the living/working, watch the skies for more incoming, please feel free to spread the disease, until the next time and no I have no idea that will be stay safe and stay alive until then though………………Toodles!

Normal service will resume .....................presently !

 

 Neal Schon - Universe.    6/10.

Believe it or not I do actually like Neal Schon, I simply don't care for this album, I have played this constantly over the last week , and although it is well played and it has a rather expensive feel to it,  produced by Michael Narada Walden it doesn't really have much life in it, is it well played? well yes it is, but I feel that he doesn't play too his strengths, the album has 15 tracks 6 covers and 9 originals and runs for over 70 minutes, no matter how many times I have played it I have yet too come across a favourite track, I can usually find at least one, but this time to no avail!

I'm not a Hendrix fan so I tend to zone out when people play his songs, I get why he  is loved but his songs are best played by him, you are not going to improve on the original, just saying. the Eye of God has a nice Arabian feel running through it but it doesn't actually say anything, the whole album as a whole kind of meanders, was that the intention, I hope not,  as I have said I like him as a guitar player but he works better with others, from Sammy Hagar, Jan Hammer (Untold Passion a masterpiece) Hardline, Bad English, even with Journey but this I could kind of leave did I enjoy it? well kind of, but it had as much passion as a Yngwie Malmsteen song, kind of soulless and hangs around when it should have just left us already!

Its a nice album, but its an album that you could play in the background quite easily and it probably wouldn't offend too many people, Guitar albums should grab us by the lapels and give us a bloody good shake. i yawned all the way through the Journey, which is sad as its one of my faves! its simply not a great album and I'm not going to score something higher simply because he has played on some great albums, this isn't one of them. This has all been said before, if I'm going to compare it too any other guitar album that was recently, I would go with Joe Satriani , now that had a thread of humanity flowing through it that this kind of lacks, will I stop buying Neal Schon albums, I don't think so, but I think I would go to Spotify or some other listening platform before paying cash for a hard copy.

so there's the first one, I was really looking forward to it, but if I am honest I was a tad disappointed, I get a number of albums each week and then the names go into the bag and the album gets chose randomly the five albums for this week were:

Neal Schon - Universe

Soto - Revision

Volbeat - Hokus Bonus

Brian May - On my way up (Compilation)

Merryweather Stark - Rock Solid.

lets see what the new week brings!

Until the next time...… Toodles!

Brave New World.

 So here we go a brand new era, here's hoping that you like it if it not, erm well lets not go there!

I'm going to start off with my fave albums of last year, you might not agree, unfortunately, thats not an option for you, agree to disagree or go somewhere else this is a brand new world.......onwards!

So here we go strap your self in, here's the 2020 top ten.....in no particular order.

Thundermother - Heatwave, A swedish version (but an all girl version) of Halestorm, well Halestorm crossed with Airbourne, i like them, it is a little too polished for me (their fourth album) a little more rough around the edges would probably win them a few more fans !

Blue Oyster Cult - The Symbol Remains. One of my fave all time bands, when this was released i  had low expectations after their last album (some 20 years ago) boy was i wrong this is probably their strongest album since Fire of Unknown Origin, damn its good and the fresh blood has helped here's hoping that it won't be another 20 years before another album.

Tokyo Motor Fist - Lions, members from Danger Danger and Trixter made a damn good debut album, this might not be as good as that debut but it does move along at a pace and does tick all of the boxes.

Lonely Robot - Feelings are Good. Their fourth (who am i kidding its John Mitchell and friends) album its not as good as the first three (but there was a thread that ran through those albums) this is still a damn good album simply not as immediate as the previous releases.

Richie Kotzen 50 for 50. Yes thats right 50 songs for his 50th birthday its a long album (actually three CD's) but a damn good release, this appeals to me, its damn good!

Dennis De Young - 76 East (Vol 1). everything that a Styx album is missing,Classic songs , Classic vocals, and well lets be honest Dennis himself, this was to be his last album but he enjoyed making it so much it turned into two volumes, i wait with baited breath for the next one, Styx should have a listen because all of the ones that they have done without Dennis have been without humor or songs for that point.

Fish - Weltschmerz. this should have been my album of the year, but i had a strop, me with my reputation, as it happens i do have a few points of issue, its a double album, its got three of the tracks from the " A Parley with Angels" EP, albeit that they are remixed and i dont know which one should have been left off to make the said EP a bit more special, i dont care about more live stuff sorry its the new lyrics and tunes i want to pull apart, the fact that he is also retiring hasn't made me happy either, i mean does he not know who i am, dammit a great album and yes it is actually my album of the year.............Go Figure! the fact i have 73 albums by the gentleman with re issues and live stuff i'm sure he won't mind me having a strop it is a great album.

FM - Synchronized. another year another album, (actually its usually every two years) and another great album, a slight detour from their usual sound, thankfully they don't try and repeat previous glories, for me still the best British Vocalist of the last thirty years (damn i feel old). i could have gone for Steve Overland's solo album but i didn't, yes this is a damn good release.

Jim Kirkpatrick - Ballad of a Prodigal Son. another solo album from a member of FM, surely this can't be that good, 2020 was a damn good year and any other year and this would have been my album of the year, yes it has the DNA of Bernie Marsden on it, its in a style similar to Joe Bonamassa,  but listen to it and see if you don't think that this a damn good album, go on i dare you!

Joe Satriani - Shape shifting. I dont play an instrument, i have no understanding of the complexity of six string wizardry, but damn it this is so good, no shred or technicality boarding on alien skills, this is everything that you need in a guitar album, there is thread of humanity that runs through it from start to finish, another strong contender for album of the year.

There you go a brief overview of what i liked from last year and there was tons more, far too many to mention, they might creep in over the coming weeks, s low start to break me in slowly, i hope you like it please spread the word, i dont get paid to do this and i dont get free copies of the music listed this is what i liked from last year mind i'm not averse to the odd album being sent my way to review, hint hint, watch the skies the new wave has started, until then ........Toodles!

 

This Party’s Over.

Who would have thought after 9 years and now 500 blogs later that the blog was about to go through its first major overhaul, from now on the blog will be 99.9% music reviews and Gig reviews (do you remember gigs?) with the occasional personal blog thrown in the mix! i tried it out for a short time about 18 months ago to generally positive comments from you the maddening crowd!

Yes there will readers falling by the way side but I would like to say a big thank you to the following “Broadsword calling Danny Boy” Nils, Suki, Jessica, Poor Boy, Jens, Gunther (a late comer but a voracious reader with way too many questions) the Two Pierre’s from Canada and France, Sabine, Wolfie (power to the people) A lady by any other name ( I  will get so much shit for that one) Welder a big inspiration, Angie Shandi and her Hubby (a huge thanks on the mental health side of things) Steve Overland for the kind comments (yes that Steve Overland) and a cast of Hundreds (I could say thousands but I think many of you read the same blog time and again) I want to thank the cast of you all who got the blog to over 70000 hits last year you  made an old man feel very old!

Yes, there’s no big surprise, the name game is in play for one final time, but it is so easy even Nils should get it as I know he bought the album that it’s from (on my recommendation) no prizes just me taking the piss if you get it wrong! There will be no more whinging about my health, my mental health and various other items in my wild and wonderful (cough splutter) life, there will be no more scratching my head trying to put a positive spin on the universe, I intend to be truthful as we carry on I either like it or I don’t go figure. The blogs should be considerably shorter from here on in well unless it’s a discography review.

This will be a short one because I feel the need to be brief (for once) honestly for something that I started as anger management, it has turned into something enjoyable, so here’s to a new beginning simply another turn in life, I will miss some of you (mad impetuous fools) just as I miss my real friends out in the real world, I would love for you all to come along for the ride, but for once I’m a realist, life goes on!

So yes please watch the skies for incoming, more than ever I will need you lot to help spread the word, I can’t believe that this part of our party is over here’s to you all and for one last time, I simply bid you all………..TOODLES!

Now Hear This………………….6.

So, this is the penultimate blog before the change, and yet again its in the style of “Now Hear This” style of blog. Enough of the waffle lets go to it!

1.      What is “Now Hear This”

Well as you know I like to call my blogs after whatever music I am playing at the time, on the day of the first one that I did I was blasting some Hellanbach, I liked the title, and it has stuck…Go Figure!

 

2.      Why the Change?

This has been asked so many times I simply had to address the question, the simple answer, I feel as though I have taken it as far as I can, it needs to change, change or die, I mean you have to be sick of me droning on, I want to improve, I know I can do better, I want to do better, I’m sure the right answer is amongst that lot take your pick, I have a different answer for every time I have been asked. Basically, I want to, enough said!

 

3.      Ratings?

People are asking me if I am worried about the ratings dropping, Yes, But I know it’s              going to happen, it’s not going to be a surprise, I doubt that many people who read the blog is into the same music that I am, so yes I get it, I know some only like it when I’m down, some like certain blogs and drift off when its not what they expect, the blog this year has exceeded over 70000 hits, next year will considerably less it is what it is.

 

4.      More Books old style Blogs?

Sorry to disappoint some of you but that’s not going to happen, for the books at least, there may be the occasional old-style blog, but only if we get a life back, don’t hold your breath its highly unlikely.

 

5.       Will I still use Song Titles?

I still have to decide on some of the longer blogs, its still rather fluid at the moment, however you will all be the first to know.

6.      Are you still ambitious?

I like to think that I am, that’s why I am changing  the format completely , I had a little try out in 2018, it was a success, if only in a small way, I think I can improve it and the intention is too start small and continue to grow if I can manage half the numbers I am doing at the moment I will consider it a success, we will have to see how it progress’s lets see what the next 12 months bring.

7.      How often will I blog?

The intention is to continue as weekly, sometimes it might be more, I’m hoping because of the content it shouldn’t fall below that (fingers crossed).

8.       Are Family and Friends Supporting you?

I haven’t got a clue, I don’t write it for them, I write it for me, I believe some drop in and out from time to time, there has been no negativity (as far as I know) in my wanting to change, lets see what happens in the new year, if the levels of abuse go up, I’ll know who is reading and who is not!

9.       Musical Influences?

This is just about the most asked question with in these NHT blogs, I like to think of myself as fairly open minded, I like most things from ABBA through to Frank Zappa and then everything in between, a good song is a good song, I think the name game kind of tells you were I am at, at any time of the year, I do like a good singer and I’m not into cookie  monster style of ahem “singers” doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate it, but I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to find it, I’m sure you all would understand, we all have our guilty pleasures, musically speaking I’m no different lets see what happens, you never know you could be surprised!

10.   Will I still write in code?

I doubt it, I only wrote in code not to offend people who are in my sphere of my friends, not that its directed at them, usually someone who I didn’t know, and they didn’t really know me, just in case they were pointed in the direction of the blog, it has never been my intention to upset anybody, its meant to be FUN!

11.   Social Life?

I have no idea what this refers to it seems like so long ago, at the start it appealed to me and my nature, but I know I miss my friends and I hope that they know it, I can’t wait for the day until we can all get back out there and have some fun and some Craic!

12.   Honesty?

I still intend to be as honest as I always have, I see no reason as to why I shouldn’t, again I’m sure that people will tell me if they think I wasn’t!

13.   Will there be any further Historical blogs to come?

Never say never, the intention is to never say no if I have one that I think will pass muster, especially in the Musical sense, then probably but they should be few and far between, that’s the intention, you never know, it’s a definite watch this space kind of answer!

14.   What about your notes for blogs?

 I still have them and might return to them at some point I don’t know at the moment I’m     done with them, let’s put some space between them and lets see what we can do with that space, I do love writing, and I still intend to write observational notes, who knows what might happen with them, I still would like to write “the Grand Novel” but with out my partner in crime (she’s a lady you know) to act as my editor, I don’t know what will happen there I have a great idea with a great twist at the end of it, it’s the stuff in between me that I get bogged down with, again watch this space, you never know.

 

15.  Will this make you happier?

I have no idea; I can only try, I’m sure you will keep me on the straight and narrow!

 

16.   Have you changed your mind about a favourite blog?

I have struggled with this one, I have reread some of them recently, simply to try and remember what they were about, at a push I could say that there were a few that I like, no I have no intention of naming them, why? Because as soon as I do I would change my mind, if you lot have a fave I’m happy for you, but I like them all, even all of the crap ones and yes there were some really crap ones, I know and you know it to, it is what it is a time or moment in my life when  I spewed what was in my mind onto a blank sheet, take from them what you want, but or now its time to move on.

17.   Have you written Blog 500 yet?

Erm not quite, should I even be telling you all this, I have the basic structure, I have a sense of what I need to say, it would always alter on the day of typing anyway it always has, simply because I’m always affected by what is going on around me…oh look a butterfly! It will stay fluid until I press post! I reckon I’m about 98% done, but tomorrow I could quite easily have no idea and be nervous about my intentions, lets stick with the 98% version.

18.   Social Media?

I think I will stick with what I know, I have tried unsuccessfully to expand to other areas, lets just go with the flow and see how it goes that’s not a no or a yes, it’s a let’s see what happens!

19.   Is this a knee jerk reaction?

No this is me planning 18 months and tweaking what I intend to do, I haven’t stockpiled lots of stuff as I intend to try and keep it fresh, whether that happens remains to be seen.

20.   Cunning Plans.

 I always have a number of cunning plans on the go this is one I intend to see through, through to the bitter end, it will take me a while to get where I want to be, its taken over 12 years to get here, over 70000 hits and counting, I am under no illusion that its not going to be a battle, but lets start with the premise, its for me, if I can stick to that premise it should be OK anything after that is a plus.

 

So there you have it, one step closer to the edge, its coming don’t say that you haven’t been warned, so watch the skies for incoming but until then its ……….Toodles!