Bargain Basement Howard Hughes

I got all methodical with facts and figures in the last blog, oh and as always my cunning plans went astray!

My intention was to do a historical blog, but I went of the reservation almost straight away with my doodling's and other strange thoughts, the intention was good but not really there from the start, it took me five days of my holiday to get myself in a frame of mind to leave the house, not like I am storing pee in a bottle or anything, just sheer exhaustion, the only time I left at all in the first four days was to  put the bins out in the lane and to go to the quacks, by the Friday I was in a better frame of mind and we ventured  out into the bright new world, we bickered (apparently its what we do) and the Saturday and the Sunday we did more of the same although quite a bit more bickering.

Some new shit regarding E who had been taken poorly and we realised that we had been cutting ourselves off from our friends, it didn't make us feel any better it certainly made me a tad morose but cunning plans and ideas are abound so watch this space. the holiday zoomed past and I will admit to getting virtually nothing done, here's high hopes for the next lot (soon) we had been looking for a little getaway for the start of the next holiday as it will have been 25 years since me and Mrs have been together, we soon realised that we were ill equipped to deal with this( a small budget that would get us a couple of trips on the shields ferry maybe) nothing sprang out at us so it looks like spending the money on the house (WTF) and another stay at home moment............maybe!

Going around the shops while skint maybe wasn't a good idea, we had loads of cunning plans, me reverting to bargain basement recluse didn't help, however our stash will not let us getaway with it, I need a break a flight somewhere, Vegas seems like a life time ago and if I'm honest it was a special holiday for me, something I would love to repeat, I cant believe I work so hard just pay taxes and the wife's bills (hell I spend nothing so they must be hers in my name! how the hell did that happen!) it is what it is, just a little luck anytime would be nice.

Back to work and back to the bus, and although I'm tempted to play bus seat bingo (please see previous blogs) I'm more inclined to people watch I don't understand why nobody sits next to each other until the seats all have some one in them, if there are no seats why does everybody crowd at the front so people cant get on or off, finally why the hell is my bus always bloody late, huge amounts of work that I left which basically was just as big as it was when I left, I only have pair of hands it is what it is, hey ho I know I must get some focus on the blogs I'm just not in the groove ........yet I need to make better use of my time.

The wife is at work again tonight and I'm sat in the back room typing away as the darkness starts to fall, I need to do this in a more enlightened mood and yes I will have to do a historical blog soon! the name game is in play although I didn't know the song it popped into my head and I simply couldn't shake it and I know I haven't heard the song, the words just meant so much as I planned the blog, again I have gone off tack, this isn't the blog I intended, look toward the weekend and see what the winds blow in hopefully something cheerful and maybe a little historical, I intend to do another question and answers type of blog soon just before the big 300 which is hurtling towards with unbelievable speed, that's all for now keep spreading the disease and watch the skies for incoming, so until the next time .......................Toodles!

Finish Line

Lots to write about (allegedly) as it would appear that I have not been keeping my  side of my promise, blog writing is exactly what I should have been doing, however life over took me (that is work life) and gave me a shoeing, I headed towards the finish line thinking that I had everything under control, only for me to pop my knee and for me to be once again limping at an Olympic standard, then spinning plates that I thought I had under control came crashing down but again as always I digress let’s see what’s in my list of notes to write about?

The title of the last blog came from the Lonely Robot album I was singing praises loud and clear, I didn’t think that it would be that hard but it appears that it was, a touch of vitriol from some of you the discerning readers hey ho it’s not meant to be easy, but I don’t think I could have made it an easier, let’s see who gets this one then?

I keep giving myself injury after injury the fatter I get the more I walk like a bloody penguin, I keep stubbing my toes as I try and get through the debris that litters our house, Furniture and the such like, I would laugh if it wasn’t so painful, and if the wife throws me anymore bloody fish I will pppppick up something to throw back at her (biscuit joke if you are not English you may not get that reference) health issues are the order of the day and the walking like a penguin is one of the ones I have to watch because of my diabetes.

Work was work I did bite off way more than I could chew, but I had to try as there is nobody to pick up my slack when I’m not there, thanks to new technology I am at least keeping abreast of my emails, not replying just deleting the minutia that I don’t need, the weekend I intended to lay waste to vast tracts of work, I wasn’t helped that I lost seven inspections, no copies these were the  only copies, no chance of remembering all the details I was in panic stations wasting nearly 5 hours of time that I didn’t have trying to locate them, a sleepless night on the Saturday night and me pleading with the wife to take me in early just so I could rest my weary brain one way or the other, I soldiered on with all the other work, finally finishing and tidying up the wasteland that was my desk only to find the reports, I nearly cried, I copied and uploaded the report’s finishing literally minutes before the wife picked me up, as I flopped into the passenger seat I was a happy camper (for once).

Through the week I had been enjoying some serious bus seat bingo the bus times had changed and the bus I had been getting at silly o’clock didn’t turn up, imagine my surprise when I discovered all of the missing participants on the later bus, I'm not sure they were that happy to see me as I was to see them, let’s just say I enjoyed my jaunts to work, I’m wondering if they are missing me this week as I’m not travelling by bus.

I am admitting defeat with my sleep apnea mask (bomber command) I feel tremendously energized when I can wear it for more than three hours a night however that is not the case I’m switching it off and removing it in a quite civilized manner after less than an hour, I don’t even know I’m doing it, as I'm fast a sleep! it has caused a few bouts of verbal sparring over the last few months, I’m sick of it now and I’m genuinely unhappy that I’m giving up, however I think it would be better off been given too somebody who will get more use out of it than I currently am, I will have to endure the consequences to come.

Numbers seem to peak after about four days and then sporadically older blogs get a few hits so I should in reality be looking to blog every 5 or 6 days, the numbers seem to be pretty consistent, it would appear that have indeed found my ceiling for readers with only the occasional spike heavenwards, so now I know what I’m working with I need to polish and improve, it would also appear that the local readership has  started to dry up, not a lot I can do about that, I will endeavor to re-engage however I think the fact that we rarely cross our threshold there’s not that much too hold the local reader, something me and the wife are trying our best to put right!

The good weather arrived at the back end of last week which didn’t lighten my soul at all after crossing the finish line I haven’t wanted to do anything remotely outdoorsy! Today I ventured out to the quacks twice, it didn’t make me happy, but that’s for another blog………. Maybe! this week is flying over I need to get my back side into gear just so I can do some of the thousands of little jobs that need to be done, including continuing with a blog and not one of me whining (which seems to be the norm of late) so let’s see what you think of my thought for the day!

The human mind is very adept at labeling. If left to its own devices, it will label situations, things, places, and people. It's a pretty handy almost like one of those phone apps everybody is downloading at the moment. Except when it comes to people. Over time those labels tend to solidify and harden. They become all we can see. They become what we experience. The true depth of a person, the breathtaking miracle of their very existence, is replaced with a word. A sound. An assemblage of vowels and consonants. Ink or digital letters on paper or screen. Which is why I sometimes try to look at people and see them, one of the best things in the world is to people watch try it sometime it’s fantastic, witness them if you will, without immediately attaching a mental label. This is especially fun to do in a crowded public place. Not a toilet people will think that you are weird! After a few minutes of practicing nonjudgmental looking, I find my heart filling with affection (or is it bile) for total strangers. It's an extraordinary experience. I encourage you to try it sometime. Be warned though, when you feel affection, you can't stop smiling. This may cause total strangers to react fearfully, or, in the north east of England, say, "What the hell are you looking at, ya f*****g' freak?!" "F*****g' freak" being your new label.

And that’s me done there will be a blog at the weekend something historical could be the order of the day but first some of the little jobs I have been promising myself (and the wife) that I will complete, I have a day too myself coming up with some shredding and just a little bit of work to complete, so onwards not as bleak as I was feeling at the start of the week, which if I’m honest was simply mental exhaustion, a best foot forward every day until the next time ………...Toodles!

The boy in the radio

It seems to me that the biggest, most single momentous choice of our lives is the one that none of us gets to make. (do we actually get too make any choices in our matrix style existence) I'm talking about the decision to be here, to be alive. Now before I digress into the choice of leaving this life, a subject best suited for handwritten notes left on the bed stand, let's investigate the initial premise. Simply put, we all arrive here screaming, crying and covered in goo, without prior consultation. Or so it appears. If in fact we were part of the decision to become cognizant, the memory of that process has been completely wiped from our consciousness. But what if it were retrievable? What if we could become aware of the primary decision to live, the fateful choice to participate in the world of time, energy and form? Wouldn't that improve our daily condition? No matter how difficult and confusing life was, we would always be clear on one thing, "I asked to be here. This is my choice." Of course, there's another option to consider. We are here against our will. The unending cycle of birth, life and death is a sentence. We are souls in prison. But that grim, Matrix-like scenario falls apart the minute you ask how hell on earth could possibly include Music…………. oh and chocolate?

I have been beavering away with various projects and other things in a slow kind of way, pottering on here and there and the blogs have been pottering along as well so why piss in the pool if they are ticking over, I have been playing lots of glorious music and getting ready for my week of hell next week however I am looking forward to a week of bus seat bingo and an MP3 player full of new music, 7 days in and then 7 days off, more music more blogging and generally getting up to mischief, well that’s the plan!

Numbers have been going in the right direction I have to keep blogging otherwise I will lose myself in watching thousands of Princes performances on YouTube, love him or hate his performances were indeed mind blowing, I have been weening myself off the purple one by playing lots of Prog (no chance of getting funky to some good old fashioned Prog) at the moment Lonely Robot is my favorite, find it and check it out, some of you will understand why I like it! Because I haven’t had to worry about numbers (well you know what I mean) the musical distraction has indeed been a godsend, although it hasn’t helped me with work I failed an exam last week for various reasons, music being mixed in amongst them, don’t worry I resat and passed it today! I still find it amazing that music can still inspire me like that 7-year-old all those years ago!

Life has been going (so far) in a positive direction, life is still crap my health is still fucked but I am making the best of a bad situation, and I’m happy that for some reason I have been happy, ha I could be happier, but I will take what I have at the moment, the black cloud has been dispatched to the far horizon, I don’t think it likes my taste in music (Lonely Robot, honest go find it you will love it) I’m sure he will make an appearance over the next few days, my intention is to have some fun and to leave the confines of my dark back room, the wife doesn’t believe me, but I do intend to have a go (watch this space) I need to break the cycle of chaining myself to a rock in some dark dank place (ok my dining room with the lights out) again I’m hoping for inspiration and a modicum of good weather.

Hopefully I will stay on track with the blogging I only slightly deviated from my course (again it was the music that did it) my only concern for the coming week is a new piece of kit (electronic hand held device) that doubles up as a phone and allows me to send my work straight to somewhere on the interwebby…………………...I broke the last system, oh well in for a penny in for a pound, let’s see how long it is before I am suicidal or trying out for the Olympic throwing of hand held devices team, I’m sure you will be some of the first people to know about it, and that’s me done in a slightly positive way, keep spreading the disease, until the next time Toodles!

Cookie Monster

This is what transpires for a blog when you have been padding around the house in the dark since silly o’clock!

I've long believed that my Blogs should not just be used for your light entertainment or amusement. Every once in a while a Blog should be written that aspires to make everybody’s life better who takes the time to read it. This is one of those Blogs. After years of struggle, I've finally figured out how to eat cookies/biscuits in bed without getting crumbs all over the place. The trick is to break the cookies/biscuits into small bite-sized pieces while still in the box or bag, then, and only then, pop the pieces into your mouth. Get it? There are no crumbs because the cookies/biscuits are never bitten, they're only chewed. Of course, there is some downside risk. Whenever you bring an entire box or bag of cookies/biscuits into bed, there is a strong likelihood that you will eat every cookie/biscuit in the box or bag. This means that your bed, while crumb free, will be filled with regret. Not to worry. In a future Blog I will explain how to handle regret. Like cookies/biscuits, it involves breaking them into bite-sized pieces.

Who says that a blog has been 6000 words long and to be full of misery not I hahaha, oh and Nils got the name game last time around, there isn’t one this time around until the next time watch the skies…………………………………………………….Toodles!

Sometimes it Snows in April

I was apprehensive about doing this blog as I has started to spiral out with life the universe and everything, but I got a grip on life and gave myself a wakeup call, this is the story as it unfolded, it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be, maybe there’s hope after all!

You all know I had done two blogs in quick succession (well I have to do some catching up after my digital absence) and they had been mainly honest reflections of the time of writing, then I reverted to type and started taking notes and refining, that’s is where the thread started to unravel (just a little).

I started to question things, things that have no consequence in the factor of my life, I had a cull on Facebook and other social media platforms, people who I didn’t really know, celebrities and the such like, I was starting to feel negativity building, I didn’t even try to stop it actually if anything I fuelled it, I can’t really put my finger on what’s gnawing at me, another CBT course is probably what’s required but you know how stubborn men can be, hell it took me over 30 years to ask for the  last one I don’t think I have that length of time left to wait for another!  

I then noticed some peeps had culled me from Facebook and it got to me, I don’t know who and it started to eat at me, I didn’t mind being culled I just didn’t know had culled me, my memory isn’t what it used to be (old age has kicked in) and then anxiety reared its head in all aspects of life, there was a wonderful invitation (that I had been doing the ground work since the invitation, it was going to be our first proper trip to Shields this year) to a party with wonderful people, anxiety started kicking me in all the soft places, I struggle in social occasions at the moment, but I had no intention of surrendering, onwards and upwards. Food became the order of the day, burying my face and fears (it didn’t work, it never does) more worry and anxiety, I bumped into peeps at work who I know and I was in a total panic, I didn’t want to stand and talk, nothing wrong with them just me being an ass, there was no reason to break and run but I wanted to, they do read the blog so they will now know why I looked like a startled deer, work isn’t doing it for me at the moment, Now here I am worrying about myself and the wife is working herself to a frazzle, granted she is not doing the hours I’m doing, but she has a medical condition that is painful (no not me) she also has to deal with the Kraken (that’s more than enough grief I can assure you) her hours are all over the place, I wouldn’t want to do what she does, and on top of that she has to come home to me, I’m surprised she hasn’t turned to drink!

When I’m in this mood I struggle to communicate, even verbalise the simplest of greetings, thankfully I was able to pull myself up by my bootstraps, life wasn’t beating me, because of all the unhealthy things I have been doing my health has been taking a kicking, if I’m honest that is probably what the source of my problems are, food etc. if I could sort this out more than likely most of my health issues would melt away like April snow! Yes, the name game is in play again this weeks should be so easy, but it’s actually true, the past two weekends Gimpsville has been coated in a smattering of the white stuff (no not cocaine) thankfully it didn’t last very long, mind you watching a gritter disappear up the road spreading salt last night sent a shiver down my spine (I’m too old for the white stuff now).

The week ground to a halt at work and I didn’t care by Friday, which isn’t me, I was looking forward to some time off, admittedly we had a trip to the other side of the country to start the upload of our dependants luxury items! to start collecting the youngest daughter’s belongings, on top of that the wife had a double shift on Friday as well as the Saturday morning and then our journey things were starting to unravel, a number of spats from the wife as she lost control of her ability to see things right in front of her it was time for kid gloves and for once it wasn’t about me, micromanagement seemed to be the order of the day, finally off to bed on the Friday night, only for the wife to sleep in on the Saturday it wasn’t an ideal start I just had to help her focus, I then spent the day refining what I already had written down, and hoovering the house as the dog is moulting he should be as bald as me, but damn he’s not, then the wife was on her way home, she suggested something from the chip shop as a quick meal before heading off to the other side of the world, and then it happened the wife had a total spazz fit in the car looking for something that she couldn’t see right in front of her, once calmed down and safely home, she then informed me that the kraken was coming with us on our delicious little jaunt (FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK) this was going to turn into the journey from hell and the outward journey was just that, I was praying that wife would reach sufficient speed so I could throw myself under a passing truck (damn child locks) they argue over things that are meaningless, it’s like tip toeing through a minefield, I had the headache from hell before we started, this was like a ferret trying to get out of my skull only to realise the Kraken was sat there in front of me and for the ferret to turn around and dig back into my skull from another direction.

We arrived safely and it was great to see our youngest waiting for us, we soon got all of the required materials collected, I thought it was hilarious that there was an empty bottle of Kraken on the daughter’s window, oh I chuckled! but then there was a small shopping trip thrown in for good measure, even the wife was fading, but we carried on and thankfully it wasn’t to last for too long although I did get a new journal book for taking notes for future blogs, I even had a jolly jape with the wife we had gone in the Krakens car (same model different colour to ours) I didn’t say anything as the wife tried to open it with our car keys (tee hee it’s the little things) my head was down to a dull roar as we headed home thankfully it was a quiet return journey. One last argument (they could both argue in an empty room but put them together it’s a major pain in the ass! Life’s too short people) at the Kraken’s cave and as we pulled off the drive to head home, I asked if we were going to the party and the wife admitted defeat, she couldn’t do it she needed to rest her weary bones, food was the order of the day and as we pulled into our local Chinese I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy it, even before we ordered it, once home and ensconced on the settee we scoffed the food, apologies sent to our friends we both fed our faces and neither of us enjoyed it, a ridiculously early time (even for me) to climb the wooden hill and an even earlier start that we made (ooh surprise I was in charge this time), the wife was corralled and pointed in the right direction and off to work at the right time.

Me well now I’m left to my own devices (yup I know I have to blog) so after I have hoovered because of the mutt I started in on this, with the intention to make a happier blog than my notes suggested! Chores complete I started polishing as I check the final draft I am tucking into Lemon Drizzle cake and cream (YUM YUM) and for once not because I’m depressed but because I do deserve a treat, good boys should be rewarded and not punished and I have been very good this week! I’m seriously disappointed at missing the party and all of the guests last night, I had worked so hard to be in the right frame of mind to be with people, when I say that, it’s not because I feel that I’m special just that people have made the effort to invite us, I don’t want people saying there’s misery in the corner, I have to admit though I will never do karaoke (which is a shame as I love to sing but unfortunately I sounded like a bag of cat’s been thrown from a high rise builder into a mincer ……...so yes still better than Axl Rose!) I will have a look at the pictures and smile knowing I have good friends, and yes I do know it.

So there you go there’s the blog not the putrid bag of pus I was expecting, I feel better today (was that the sleep) and I certainly feel better after finishing this maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel and that’s it’s not an oncoming train, numbers have been through the roof the last few blogs so maybe I must just be doing something right for a change, if I ever figure it out it will spoil it! A quick mention to Mr Death could he please stop taking people who are meant to entertain us, take some of those horrible politicians please, since Prince passed away everybody has been posting their fave tracks and there has been some fab music posted, bringing a smile to even my miserable face, that’s what’s life is supposed to be about happiness, I know I get it until the next time ……………. Toodles!

Ripples

Sometimes I have conversations with people who are not there. Not out loud conversations. No Thorazine is required just yet, thank you very much. But I definitely catch myself having spirited debates and heated arguments with folks who exist only in my head. Which doesn't stop them from speaking forcefully, and, at times, eloquently on their own behalf. On occasion they are people I know. Other times they are purely fictional creations, brought into existence to question my thinking, my actions, or just piss me off. (Because there's not enough real people pissing me off, I've have got to make some extra up.) Anyway, the reason I thought this was worth discussing is that I'm fascinated by what I like to call "the bifurcated self." Consciousness that has split itself in two in order to create its own suffering. (Because there's not enough real suffering going on, we need to make more.) But I've recently become more fascinated by the idea that there is no self at all. That the solution to bifurcation is not reuniting warring selves, it's dropping the entire concept of self. The memories, emotions, thoughts and attitudes that combine to create the self are finally recognized as nothing more than ripples on the surface of a pond. And the truth of what we are, collectively and individually, is the pond itself. That which silently embraces the endless dance of form. Deep. Clear. Still. Reflecting the infinite and eternal, while receiving with equanimity both the beauty and the ugliness that falls into it - even the critical inner voice which is talking to me right now. Excuse me while I respond.

 "Shut up, I am too a pond!"

What did you expect something profound …….hell no, until next time Toodles!

The Web

As some of you might know, I have long avoided having anything more than a simple social media presence. I am completely ignorant of all things Myspace, Bebo, Snapchat, and whatever other cyber forum the teenage cognoscenti has recently anointed. I know the Hash tag sign is a crucial element to communicating via Twitter, but have never personally tried it. More importantly, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. My life doesn't feel lesser for it. When I began these blogs all those years ago, I decided that they were a perfectly adequate way of communicating my personal thoughts on a large scale. Sure, they're a one-way communication, but I actually prefer that. My thinking was, and still is, that this world of ours already sends too many messages. Or perhaps consciousness, by its very nature, acquiesces to being barraged. Either way, my self-preservation seemed to demand digital inaccessibility. Or, to put it more simply, the only hater I can tolerate in my head is already in my head.

That’s not 100% right, let’s be honest I’m a luddite, I still prefer my food cooked on a cooker and not in a microwave, I still prefer a house phone to a mobile one, I prefer vinyl to a CD. I suppose this makes me a dinosaur a thing as a teenager me and my friends used to laugh at, do you want a hand with that cassette?  or whatever was the techno wizardry of the day, it would appear that life moves on but we as people do not (always).

I keep trying to pull myself up by my boot straps but it would appear that I continue to fall at the first hurdle no matter how hard I try, little things continue to trip me up, I don’t even have the common sense to go around and make a detour, I feel that in my life I’m either a shrinking violet (yes that’s right) or a bitter little man, both of which I don’t particularly care much for, I do keep trying to be a better person, but how many more times will I let my fingers continue to be beaten about the knuckles before I lose my grip, my nature is that I’m not jealous of anything what you may have in your life I wish you well with it, you have worked damn hard for what you have, but it seems at every turn things just go wrong, if I fell into a barrel of nipples I can guarantee I would come out sucking a thumb and probably won’t have been mine! Go figure, I’m not a jealous person but I work damn hard just to pay off my debts and my taxes, the junkies and scum have a better social life than us, mind you I always seem to sabotage myself on that front as well, well ok the wife helps from time to time (there’s that one rule for you and another for me) this is starting to sound like a rant but it’s not I’m not (that much of ) a thick person, but I just never seem to take the correct option, you know for a fact if this was the matrix I would have taken the wrong pill!

Again I’m retreating from the sunlight that gives life and shrinking into the dark that helps in the growth of self-doubt and all the other things that don’t help, I know that this is yet another temporary setback I have no intention of giving in I just need to know how to marshal my troops just a little more efficiently, that’s down to me and I will keep on plodding on, hopefully a little less darkness and a sprinkle of sunshine, the old cunning plans need to be thrown out and new ones started, so today I shall try and banish the clouds and step into the light, the rain has gone for the time being (mind you I do love the rain) so there’s the blog or should I say the blimp in the road not one of the best but certainly not the worst, the name game is back in play (this one should be so easy even for Nils) I’m already working on the next (hopefully happier) blog so keep spreading the disease (because the numbers have been wonderfully consistent) and I will invade your minds again soon, but until then Toodles!