Salutations from the Ghetto nation

Holidays are starting to be a necessary evil, I have no idea what to do, this probably stems from the fact that you need money to do anything these days, and as always my financial situation looks like somebody has blasted it to death (some blame the wife but I like to sleep at night, cough splutter coming dear) with a double barrelled shotgun, it was time to do some fancy footwork, borrow some more and pay less. Go figure! Hopefully in five years’ time I could be debt free hahaha yeah right, have you met the wife?

So fancy footwork done, it was just a case of watching the dots join up and make sure I didn’t do the same thing all over again, this gave us some breathing space and a little ready cash (woo hoo), I awoke on the Monday of my holiday (a bank holiday so obviously we were going out on the lash……erm no) not having a clue what to do, to be honest I felt run down and tired, thankfully the wife had tasks to do with the Kraken, me I lay round like a loppy dog, actually that’s not quite true a loppy dog had more energy.

Tuesday was slightly better and I was up with the larks (pilarks) as the wife was off to do something she had never done before, picking up a new car that she had signed her life away (let’s not go into the details, she’s happy and I’m a long time dead) after we calmed her down enough to get her into the car, we headed off to the posh part of our ride home and I treated her to breakfast (damn I spoil this girl) and generally we pottered on for the rest of the day the list of jobs wasn’t shrinking but I wasn’t bothered either. Wednesday was more of the same except that I suddenly remembered that Warrior Soul and their circus were coming to Gimpsville, how had I forgotten that one, some cunning plans had been put into place when the dates were announced but I wasn’t holding my breath, my mood swings at the best usually scuppered any chance of being motivated to going, even though the venue is only two hundred yards from my front door!

Communications were established with the guilty parties using various means of communication, the wife nearly threw a Pigeon into the air for the professor, before it was confirmed that he was attending, lots of conversations with peeps who although I do speak to from time to time were totally not expected some were coming weren’t, but it did actually make me a bit of a happy camper (me with my reputation) giddy with excitement I decided to refresh my memory of the bands back catalogue, I liked the debut album but drifted away after the second and third, I had read a couple of interviews and he came across as a dick, I have enough real ones I don’t need any extra thank you.

I soon discovered that I hadn’t been wrong I still “like” the first one and well I thought the next two were simply “ok” but enjoyable enough to want to tag along and it had been announced that it was free entry, my kind of price tag! Directions or at least a post code to get to a friendly car park were dispatched, and Thursday ran away from us it was soon time to go and meet up with people who by their own admission had never been to Gimpsville (WTF)! This was about to get very interesting, oh dear! We soon made contact and discovered these poor souls walking amongst the walking dead and we got them to the sanctuary of our local Spoons, Pints acquired and a table found we soon got down to the serious side of the night catching up, gossip and laughter was the order of the night as well as some very off colour humour (if it’s not sick it’s not funny) we had discovered the main act wasn’t going on until ten(ish) so we took our time, before we headed out into the evening heading towards the club that does indeed rock.

There was a good news bad news scenario awaiting for us, the support act were about to go on (bugger) but I was met with the sight of Big G as I came across the threshold, Me and Big G go back a long way and I was shocked that this was indeed his first visit to the delta in nearly 20 years, we spent a number of years trying to drink Gimpsville dry, I think Big G came close a few times, so many good times and only a few (and I mean a few) bad times mixed in, a lot of these memories flooded back, the support act plodded on as we tried to have a conversation (do they not know who we are) nothing deep and meaningful just chit chat, I soon realised that Big G is probably the person I miss most from my past, but times move on and we float in different circles close enough to wave from a distance, I appreciate those times more and more, maybe there’s a blog or ten in there (no way Jose) at least Big G has kept in touch and makes no promises, it’s just damn good to see him whenever we do.

The support band indeed did plod on, they were ok but I  found myself picking faults (old habits die hard) WTF do I know I can’t play I can’t sing………………..ok let’s quit there hahaha! Another pint and thankfully it ended, maybe under different circumstances, they weren’t the worst, neither were they the best, just a complication that we could have done avoided. Kory Clarke flounced in half way through their set and you could see he looked a tad “unsteady” this could be a bit interesting, His girlfriend/manager was following him around with a bag (his medical supplies maybe ……..actually it turned out no) and as he launched himself onto the stage (and I mean launched) she set about sorting out the merchandise on a trestle table (damn I take a bigger bag to work) three songs was all it took for me and the wife to look at each other and silently think “Food” we said our goodbyes and I came away a happy camper realising that I do indeed have friends in my life ( I do know this it’s just sometimes I have a hard time equating this fact) we headed up the road and got a pizza that was far too big for us (and yes I ate the most of it) and boy did I suffer the next day, a gut full of cheese is not how I intend to pass away, at least I was able to make that decision.

The rest of the holiday floated by, we did little things, ticking small tasks off our checklist, we did normal things and I had a great time with the wife, not sure if she did ( I christened the car, let’s just say it didn’t have the new car smell for long lol) she didn’t whinge at me so I’m taking it as a success, as a holiday, it wasn’t anything exciting but as it happens it helped, I just have to realise that it did, back to the asylum tomorrow and I really don’t want to do that (the return of the boo hoo club)  but needs must for potentially another five years (oh a blog name maybe another time).

The last blog seems to have taken people by surprise maybe this one will as well, seeing as how it quickly it has arrived, nobody and I mean nobody attempted the name game, what did I did I do, frighten you all, or was it just that hard? Well this one isn’t so hard considering what its subject matter is, tomorrow might not be the day I’m expecting, 412 emails sat waiting for me (sorry I switched my phone on to see the damage I wish I hadn’t now) but at least I’m back into blog mode, what can possibly go wrong now, damn did I really just type that, anyway watch the skies a new blog will be along soon as I have ten to catch up on, until then Toodles!  

Back on holiday

Let’s just skip past the obvious,  I know I have been missing in action, life sort of caught up and beat us all up quite literally and I have been trying to shore up all of our defences, with varying degrees of success, work has just been piling on the agony and I gave up, this last week has been hell and yes I could have quite easily just posted any one of the historical blogs I have prepared, however I felt that I would have been selling you the discerning reader short and if that’s one thing I won’t do is sell the blog…………………………………..Short!

What’s going on well to be honest it’s very personal, and if I’m being honest (something which I do try to  be) I have been out on the perimeter, but it affects me and mine, and well let’s just say a grudge is for life not just for Christmas! No I’m still not going to tell you, so don’t go asking, if you are close to home you might have heard, if not well don’t worry about it, worse things happen at sea or so I’m told. Life has been decidedly shit, more so than usual and to be honest all I could do is hang on for life, I’m too old for all this shit, we finally got a lifeline by visiting the lovely people in Shields (Tee Hee Club ahoy, well sort of) a short sharp shock, but necessary as we had been invited to a wedding reception the following week and I was unsure if I was suitable for adult company(it turns out I was, I did just fine hahaha) the youngest came as well as she needed some South Shields style lovee feely and G was on top form, (as usual) speaking Swahili and gibberish all rolled into one, the youngest enjoyed it and so did I, so much so that I only had one pint (WTF) but refreshed we headed back up the hill to Gimpsville, bring on the coming celebrations.

At some point I had to go back and see my diabetes nurse who didn’t give me any good news, more tablets but at least I had lost weight, but circulation problems are now joining my ever increasing list of issues, my mental health (nearly a Quiet Riot album going on!) was discussed and I told her I knew I was depressed (yes I still am but I ain’t going down without a fight) but I was coping there was no white flag in my hand, and if I did need assistance this fat boy will be the first to ask for it, been there and done that, I have no reason to go down that road again. New tricks to help with old problems, and a best forward type of situation, some people still don’t get it (including those close to home, you can’t just wave a magic wand, I wish I could …………….but I would probably be arrested LOL) and a small fractious fire fight and a smattering of gun boat diplomacy got us both back on the right track, hey ho that’s life or so I’m told!

Work dragged and music was played at every conceivable moment, I had been left to crack on with various projects so music was the first order of the day (every day), it helped keep me balanced and not to freak out and go on a (imaginary) killing spree, thankfully most people were not annoying maybe I was just giving off a vibe, bus seat bingo helped a bit, however I soon lost interest when nobody seemed to mind, but my mind couldn’t/wouldn’t focus on life the universe or anything else. The day arrived for the wedding reception and although the weather was supposed to be cack, it stayed dry all day, right up until we stepped into the venue, then it rained like some biblical disaster and we nearly got stranded, not until we got a police lady out of her nice dry car in the deluge, oh it’s the simple things that cheer us up! we managed some back tracking but we finally got back on track (only just) to get home, that fellow Noah was nice in giving us directions, the do was fab, again seeing familiar faces helps although Thunderbird One was in full stream we very nearly had to break out the Hannibal Lector style mask, how his lovely wife copes I have no idea, well I do but I bet it involves copious amounts of Chloroform.

Back to work for the dreaded seven days of hell, by the end I was fragged and if I’m truthful I didn’t care, I nearly came to blows with an ignorant member of the public and my co-conspirator for the day decided it was best if he did front of house and I did back of house, I didn’t disagree, The wife picked me up and sped me home on the back roads so I could howl like a loon out of the car window like a blood hound, the bank holiday came and went, and as usual I vegetated, no wonder my life is crap at the moment, at the first sign of inactivity I surrender quicker than the Italians in a world war (please do not lecture me on Italian history, I know enough I’m just using it as a comedic reference point…………shesh some people get so touchy and notice I never mentioned the R word hahaha go figure) Today we had a new car and just a small amount of drama and Kraken fuelled shenanigans………incoming I think, mostly because the wife asked me what I wanted to do……………………and I haven’t got a clue, can I go and hide in the house? It would seem that might not be an option, but I’m working on it.

Music is still being played, thankfully, no small mercies without it, lots of cunning plans hopefully that will come to fruition (don’t hold your breath) over the holiday, the name game is still in play, although I suspect that anybody getting it will have googled the answer, as it is from an obscure album and distinctly not rock……………………well, in a way hahaha, so let’s have a few more honest guesses. Tomorrow well I intend to get up and take the fight to life, not sure if I’m going to win I need a win, something that will chase the black dog away from my life,  I carry a stick at all times just sometimes the black dog gets it and beats me with it. The youngest returns home tomorrow after her summer sojourn to her holiday home with the Kraken readying herself to go off to university and that leave us with very little in common too cling together, other than our hopes and aspirations.

So there you go a new blog not quite the blog I had planned (it never seems to be these days), I need to ensure that I have time to write and not let stuff sit and fester, I will let this one flow for a few days then try and put something historical out there as a blog about my holiday might just be a tad racy for the sedentary audience that follows this blog, keep the faith, keep spreading the disease, best foot forward every day,  I know life will get me at some point but not today and hopefully not tomorrow either, watch the skies for incoming until then …………..Toodles!

Bully for you

The blog is contracting, the numbers are still good, but life is intervening and not in a good way, so  the numbers retract and only the true readers stay, I have been down, but not beaten just so much crap going on and work dumping a 6 months work load and for it to be completed by September 7th (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) I have had to give my head a shake and as always some of you kind people have been enquiring what's up, its personal, its not me and we are all fighting and keeping our fingers crossed that's all you need to know, not happy with that, ooops you have me confused with someone who gives a rats ass!

That's not what the blog is about, I need to do some blogging simply for my own sanity, its all about my top ten gigs well sort of, I have seen loads of bands ( I have mates who have seen ten times as many as I have) buts its not all about the big occasion, I have seen some out standing bands I may have blogged about some of them (me with my reputation) as well I have a bucket list of bands I will never see, Kansas (with Steve Walsh) TRB, Frank Sinatra to name but a few, because that's all there is and the main reason why they are there is simply because they have died or retired, I have to admit if I won the lottery I would be off in a shot in a tour bus hitting all the gigs I want to!

Now my top ten isn't going to be what you lot expect yes some will be big named bands, but some  of the bigger name bands who I have seen I just can't pick one, I couldn't name my top Kiss gig or my top Judas Priest gig all great for different reasons the same way as I cant name my worst gigs (Queen's magic tour springs too mind simply for the set list although the band were great as always) for exactly the same reason.

So here we go in reverse order my top ten gigs (sometimes multiple gigs but as always I'm starting to digress)

10: ELO - NEC 1986ish the gig wasn't the best the band were quite ragged, if memory serves me right it was a charity do,  some of them going through the motions, but they did perk up when George Harrison walked on stage, what do I remember specifically of the gig well the fact that I was pissed (no surprise there) just the silly grin on my face the whole set although I did sit down while George was on stage...........well I had had a drink................HIC!

9: Fish - I know go figure why so low, well when you have seen as many bands as I have something has to give, if I'm honest I prefer the big Scotsman solo to being with that band ( a bit like the Scottish play you shouldn't say their name) there are three gigs that spring to mind two on the Vigil tour the first gig at Newcastle City Hall although not the first gig of the tour I think I did about fourteen for luck well I was single, it was just the way he slid on to the stage doing Faith healer, the second time was the second leg when he played the University Hall beyond the City Hall, he was raging about the hassle non students (hey that was me) getting in, the conventions come close but the best gig was in Dalkeith masonic lodge for the launch party of Fellini  Days and Ten year old Tara played her piano piece and the drive back was quite exquisite, well at least we didn't die but that's another blog for another day!

8:Diamond Head - The Borrowed Time Tour I thought I had seen the future the band were awesome Tank the support were pap probably angry because people didn't want to see them (shame as they are a great band now) I did four dates of the tour and I was prepared to sell my soul I had seen them before but this was simply majestic I have seen them since but this ticked all the boxes!

7: Robert Cray Newcastle University with  the Montgolfier Brothers supporting a great little hot house of a gig this was before he was famous 100 people in a cramped room, just pure joy the first time I ever enjoyed the blues! go figure me with my reputation.

6: The Flakes (various pubs in Newcastle) a local band who we used to try and catch when ever they played the local pubs the bass player used a Chapman stick and they were interesting in a Zappa kind of way, they were only a three piece but probably one of the most refined bands I ever saw.

5; Holy Cow Trillian's Newcastle, a band that had so much talent and should have been huge I tagged along simply for a pint and the crack,  I then discovered Davey Patton from Hellanbach was the guitar player and I was interested, I bought the 5 track ep and I still play it to bits Doris Brendal the vocalist has a great website with her music and an extended version of the EP for sale on her site go hunt it out you won't be disappointed.

4; The Cross Newcastle Mayfair Roger Taylor of Queen having some fun, I actually took my ex wife who I was divorcing at the time, I don't remember  a support band but again we probably got their fashionably late, I never saw Roger have so much fun, I have never seen a full Roger gig since as he has become Po Faced and thinks he's as important as David Bowie (why would you want to be like David Bowie), but this was a fun gig.

3: Blackmore's Night York Opera House nope not Rainbow or Deep Purple but the band that he has with his now wife, at over three hours he laughed he joked he played his cotton little socks off, he even came back at the end of the set with a sweeping brush to clear the stage, a fab gig, one that lives on in my heart, people mock but what they should do is listen, as he has done some fantastic music the album for this tour "fires at midnight" still gets hammered on the old MP3 player more consistent than your Jimmy Page's and Jeff Beck's, oh that's right his face doesn't fit (I know how that feels) give me his hey nonny nonny music over the plagiaristic Led Zeppelin......ooops inside voice!

2: John Wesley The Riverside Restaurant Courtyard Haddington , this was meant to be a Fish acoustic set at one of the conventions but he decided to save his voice although he was there in the audience, so he let his new quiet unassuming guitarist play a short set just him and his instrument of choice, godamn those eight songs were seared into my skull it was mind blowing, I sat in silent awe when we got to the gig on the night I only bought a couple of Fish T-shirts but I bought all of the John Wesley Back catalogue and the album that the set list was from (under the red and white sky which you can download for free off his website you cheap skates) is still my favourite all time album the album just talks to me the rest of his stuff is good but that album and that gig was mind blowing! as you can tell as me and the wife grabbed him after the gig (see picture below)

So what's number one Y&T, Dan Reed Network, Hellanbach, Electric Boys, Jane's Addiction, Val Doonican no its...........................................

1: Bessie and the Zinc Buckets the best damn band on the planet, hell Jake E Lee tried to buy my Buckets T-shirt off me when we were in Vegas (another story told in Restrooms of the strip) the picture at the bottom is the boys playing Newcastle City Hall  where they delivered a three hour with all ex members getting up and having a go, I still play the cassette of their album (more like demo's) Sex Drugs & Sausage Rolls! the crowd were a tad quiet mind you they are more used to seeing them play in sweaty pubs and fields at Biker rally's, if they ever come to a venue near you go and see them and have your life changed for ever with the power of music!

Why these gigs well usually because of my friends who I was with and tomorrow it might change actually the top three won't but the rest fluctuates, I'm alive I miss my friends but I don't forget them, its what you need to live your life good music good friends its all you actually need until the next time ............Toodles!   

Great expectations

Dear family I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment, I'm sorry I'm not good enough to help you all, I'm sorry I don't live up to my own expectations! Dear friends I'm sorry that I keep everybody at arms length, I'm sorry I'm not very good at keeping connected, I'm sorry I'm not around enough! Dear people at work (and the world if I 'm being honest) I'm sorry for being so weird, I'm sorry I never really fitted in, but most of all I'm sorry I bothered you at all! Dear me, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I kept you down, I'm sorry I made you miserable! Dear readers I'm not in the best place at the moment a lot of crap going on in my real life, I have been worse so don't worry about me I will return happier and stronger until then ..............Toodles!

Sensitive to light

Work, work, work, work, work, work, stay in the house, work, work, work, work, work, stare at blank walls, work ,work, work, work, work, feelings of alienation, work, work, work, work, eat obsessively, work, work, work, work, work, do nothing at all just stare at bank account, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, worry about the family, work, work, work, work, work, work, something bad goes wrong, work, work, work, work, work, work, worry about my health, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

I don’t always have black thoughts but when I do there is little I can do to control them, as I always say if I can wake up happy I can take anything that life throws at me!

Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, staying the house, work, work, work, work, dark thoughts, work, work, work, something crap happens, work, work, work, play some music, work, work, work, work, work, sleep, work, work, work, work, work, sit and stare at the darkness, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, laugh at my bank account or lack of it, work, work, work, work, work, try and drag myself back to the light, work, work, work, work, work, feelings of hatred, work, work, work, work, work, grit and determination.

I don't always have black thoughts and I do fight them every day, I know there are people out there in a far worse predicament than me, I just have to shake my head and remind myself! 

Work, work, work, work, work, isolation, work, work, work, work, work, music makes the day better, work, work, work, work, work, resentment, work, work, work, work, work, stay in the house, work, work, work, work, work, work, worry about my family, work, work, work, work, work pain and heartache, work, work, work, work, work, work, more shit happens, work, work, work, work, sleep deprivation, work, work, work, work, work, work, grinding halt.

I don't always have black thoughts but when I do I struggle to motivate myself I don't feel sorry for myself I just don't like the person I have become, I have to strive to be the person I was, I haven't always been like this!

Work, work, work, work, work, work, miss my friends, work, work, work, work, work, sadness, work, work, work, work, work, work, feelings of jealousy then shame, work, work, work, work, work, anger, work, work, work, work, work, work, despair, work, work, work, work, work, work, helpless, work, work, work,

I see the pattern developing all work makes me a very unhappy person, although it seems that all I can do is bury myself is in work, I don't have black thoughts for my family or friends, I will always be there for them, it's me I have lost sight of, I feel that the devil is me, darkness is not friend I need the light I need to burn as bright as I have before.

I know I'm not in a great place but please believe me I am doing everything that I can do so until the next (happier) times.....................Toodles!

Reward

Some of you who have been following me will be aware that I have been trying to resolve my health issues for quite a while now, just over a year ago I was diagnosed as being a sufferer of Type 2 Diabetes, a clear vision was now forming, I needed to know what I could do about it, there was no hurry or so it would appear by the professionals treating me, so for once rather than getting my knickers in a twist I went with the flow, I didn't rock the boat just went with it, I had my feet checked my eyes photographed and was checked for a fatty liver (yes I had one fatter than me!)the one thing I wanted to sort out though, was I wanted to see an actual dietician, I know I wasn't perfect but I wasn't a devil in disguise either.

I had been diagnosed purely by chance and I'm not going to bore you with the previous 10 years attempts of trying to get to the bottom of things primarily weight gain for no obvious reason, I did what I was asked and lo and behold I lost the weight, I then moved back to Gimpsville to be told that "we don't do that treatment here" and then that was the cue for me to be the stubborn wooden head that I can be, I was finally ambushed by a Dr who knew that I needed to checked over. More checks more tests a different diagnosis, different treatments, I then broached the magic age, I then had to go to the Wellmans clinics once a year, hey ho no problem, early last year I was asked to go for a blood test, which came back as abnormal, I was requested to do another, no problem. another blood test, same result abnormal, this wasn't funny anymore, I attended the clinic and did all the usual things did the usual tests, broke another set of scales, we were just about done when I thought I would ask about the blood tests as I had been requested to do a third, I wasn't happy and I was getting just a bit paranoid, thankfully the nurse was brilliant looked at all of my results and came to the conclusion that I was a diabetic (no need for another test) she went and brought a Dr in to confirm the results then they both conferred while I was there and the nurse enquired that with all the blood tests why had nobody twigged to the obvious conclusion, silence .....................alright then lets just get on and deal with it.

As I have already stated the year has passed by quite quickly and although I have done everything requested of me I have been suffering of late and I wanted to get to the bottom the malaise surrounding me. Finally I got an appointment to attend a Desmond clinic were I was told diet would be discussed, we had a small road trip to find it the week before as it was off the beaten track, I was happy as it was next to some windmills (which I appear to have become addicted to) and a duck pond (woo hoo) and so on the appointed day I turned up hot to trot and bright as a button..........that didn't last long. I was by far the youngest and I was the only single person there (the wife was baby sitting) I tried my best to interact, I had that sinking feeling I wasn't happy and all of a sudden I felt that I was being backed into a corner. Now before I go any further can I just say that the staff were bloody fantastic, well they were when they finally got to grips with this nugget!

The course was decidedly new age type of affair, all touchy feely everybody join in type of affair, against all odds I did, they could see I was on the defensive, and they had no idea why, hell neither did I! we did the introductions and I had been diagnosed for more than a year, they had all been diagnosed within the last fortnight, why had I taken so long to do the course? well work, oh I'm sorry you guys are galls are all retired this is a day out for you, deep breathing exercises and some talking through gritted teeth, we moved on we were all given our last results, it was at this point I got scared my results were way off the charts not by a few points but by thirty to forty, they then started to ask if any of us had these symptoms, I had six of the seven and now I didn't want to talk about it, they still hadn't realised that they had a fucking Grizzly bear in the room, they were still talking in that mildly condescending way that seems to be the new way of teaching, me I wanted to be a rebel and I kept fantasising about turning the table over just to see the look on their faces, I was however brought back to reality with a bump a very big bump!

They didn't mention me by name, but we all could do the math, the consequences were bleak the moral of the tale  is potentially I may have passed the point of no return, the organs that have been working flat out to keep this hulk a float could be about to peg out on me......WTF! worse case scenario if I didn't (although it wasn't personnel it sure as hell felt it)sort my wicked ways I could be dead within five years! and on that note lets break for lunch, now it was going to spin out, I was dropped off by the wife the letter said lunch (in whatever form it was going to be) would be provided, that to me implies a free lunch ..............you guessed already, nope you had to pay for it so I sat and fumed not wishing to cause any more problems, although the undercurrent was detected, when everybody shuffled (they really did shuffle) off to the restaurant, I just sat and glowered out the window, when they realised I wasn't going any where they asked if there was a problem, the look of incredibility on their faces when I said I had no money with me ( boy was I pissed off now) I felt like the poor boy at school all over again, I quickly changed the subject and they literally ran away.

Lunch over we got back to the task in hand, I was still brooding and I think it was starting to show itself in the room, thankfully we were getting cut from the herd to do individual interviews, Thankfully when it came to being my turn the full charm offensive was being used, they asked me to do a depression form, I refused, why? because I'm bloody depressed about my weight and now I'm super depressed because of all the information that you have given, the only five years to live bit has me over the fucking moon (excuse my French) they tried to sell CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to me, love it however I have just had a course and I know unless I intend to harm myself or the moon it's not going to happen, at this point sunlight flooded through the defences as they realised that we were both on the same page and they knew that I had some sand bags to at least mount some form of defence, we continued with team activities (deep joy) but I was being swamped by dark thoughts, I was generally just so unhappy about life the universe and my lot within that structure, finally the other people had realised that I wasn't in the best frame of mind although I was trying my best to be part of the activities.

We did the final bits and pieces and then we were free to go not before not one but two members of staff tried to get me to complete the depression chart, I declined as politely as I could, I did say that I would complete it at home with my wife, they looked dubious I also (lied)told them I would let them know if there were any issues and ................well you can guess the rest of the bullshit! the wife was on her way so I sat next to the duck pool and watched the windmills, normality was returning, well my kind of normality, the wife and grand kids turned up and it did bring some light into this black heart of mine, just don't tell them that! we chatted all the way home and they dropped me off I ran into our house as I was starving, but upon looking at something to eat I realised I really had lost my hunger, I had some massive decisions to make, many I already have made, but it was a sobering thought that if I don't get my finger out I might not be here in five years time!  

I completed the depression chart and no surprise it was off the fucking chart, I know I'm depressed, I also know I'm a thousand times better than I was this time last year, so give me some credit please, I need to take small steps with this, no big dramatic changes, I know I can do this, I just have to manage this sensibly, something I'm not always good at, I now know that a lot of my issues stem from my diabetes, it doesn't make me happy but at least I now have all the answers to my questions,I just need to get some solutions , CBT is something that I will have to try again, my last course of treatment did open lots of cans of worms, but I had been sent there for one thing, and time ran out I had to let some other poor soul be treated, how to grasp that particular nettle will have to treated delicately. I have many cunning plans and I will be keeping everyone up to date with my progress because the clamouring from you the readership has been to be honest quite touching, maybe I'm like one of the fungi I was told about, I do grow on some people.

Now all I can do as always is put my best foot forward, yes my condition is one of my own making, no excuses it's time to be a good boy and point this boat towards calmer waters, my reward for doing good is for me to be here longer than the five year diagnosis, I think I will give you (the reader) a rest as four blogs in such a short period of time can be draining although I wont be far, I will be keeping an eye on the numbers, so thanks for the kindness that has been expressed, keep watching the skies until the next time Toodles!

Under the blade

I was introduced to the glory and majesty of Twisted F****** Sister not by a secret hand shake or even by Big G but by a girl ............I know I was shocked myself, I won't name her as she was a shy retiring type! I knew the name having read the Garry Bushell interview and I was aware that they were actually recording with the notorious Pete Way, I know this because it was all over Sounds and Kerrang my preferred music reading.

The girl in question claimed that she was into rock music but I believe she just liked the types that frequented those types of bands you know the types long hair bad boys..............damn I used to be one of those, mind you I'm not sure of the bad boy bit, more like damaged goods!

Anyway as always I tried to help out and do my bit to educate this young lady, she soon kept my Diamond Head "Borrowed Time" LP (oh those were the days walking around with JG Windows album bags trying to look mysterious) the relationship was always up in the air primarily because I was a dumb ass and usually pissed as a fart as I hadn't been long out of the army and my last instruction was to forget all about it, I wasn't very successful but I did try my very hardest, now what has this got to do with Twisted Sister, well a certain LP got damaged (GRRRR) and as an apology the Twisted Sister EP was the peace offering, and I have to admit to enjoying it!

Now me and my friends from Durham used to go to the recording of the Tube (a now defunct music programme) that was recorded live on a Friday night in Newcastle, we got in most times but on the night of the hard rock special not all of us did, it was a very distracted kind of day I got to the town early and I will be totally honest I was absolutely hammered at 11.00 in the morning, the days was going to be a long one we were going to try and see Twisted Sister but eventually most of my friends knew that I was in a bit of a state my girlfriend finished with me and got back on the bus because and I quote her directly "pig" that was the end of that well sort of, on and off she tried very unsuccessfully to make me incredibly jealous, it simply wasn't going to happen not when I so far into a bottle!

The day progressed badly, and it wasn't just me we all got hammered its just I was hammered early in the day, a couple of us made it into the studio but if I'm honest I have no recollection of the day other than saying to Lemmy "I'm glad you have a decent guitarist now" boy was I proven wrong on that one! anyway Twisted Sister were quite good, I have seen the footage many times but I have no recollection, I only remember the Lemmy story because so many people used to remind me about it ( I have all of your names and I know where you all live) so when tickets were announced for the Mayfair I was a good boy and stayed off the drink for a night and got one, dressed in my finest Ted Nugent T shirt (OK it was my brothers but I wont tell if you wont) and skin tight (yes I was really skinny at the time) red canvas pants, I still maintain I met my wife for the first time that night but the years and an alcohol impaired memory we both cannot confirm this!

A Lack lustre support band (Infidel if my memory serves me correctly) but the headline act were awesome I had seen the future and it was Rock and Roll! however I still hadn't managed to start earning money, I was working where ever I could and the usually pissing it into the wind, but by the time the Stay Hungry tour was announced I gladly bought a ticket for my hometown gig and blagged a ticket for the London show! a bus trip had been organised to leave from the Braes and I pulled into Gimpsville about three hours before we all had to meet up, what I should have done is stayed in Newcastle and got a hotel room, but no I was intending to see my beloved family, wrong I was back five minutes when I was dragged at gun point (OK it might have been a bottle of pernod) to the local park and then we end up at our pick up point several pints of Snake bite later and all kind of shenanigans were happening including me climbing into the ceiling of the pub as a dare and then getting stuck when the coach turned up!

The coach driver warned me as I got on about any funny business, "my dear sir I am in no way shape or form going to be able to do any funny business for at least an hour" he nearly threw me off there and then thankfully, Martin was able to talk him into letting me on and I soon fell asleep towards the rear of the vehicle I awoke as we pulled up to the traffic lights at Malbourgh Crescent bus station as a few people jumped off so they could for a few beers before the band started, I all of a sudden had an urge to go to the toilet so I opened the emergency door and hopped out as the bus pulled away, I waved at my friends as they watched in horror as I lurched down stairs (there was a set of old fashioned toilets there) I did my business and came up the opposite set of stairs and then my mind was blank, I was pissed in Newcastle and had no idea where the hell I was going, well I did but I couldn't remember how to get there, Thankfully two girls who actually knew me from previously mentioned girlfriend found me and escorted me to the venue, many months later when I was more sober they claimed that they had never seen anyone so drunk in their lives (hahahahaha they just didn't know the rest of my friends) I thought I was being an extremely courteous gentleman, it would appear I was being an extremely polite dick, ah well at least I was polite!

I arrived at the venue and then promptly fell down the stairs of the same bloody venue and if anybody was to know the venue trust me they were steep I landed at the feet of the feet of all my friends who were over the moon to see me, and then the night got serious, Lita Ford was the support act and I thought she was bloody great now at this point I stopped drinking as I wanted to see the bands I got a great vantage point up in the balcony and I was drinking water by the bucket full, the heat in the place was unbelievable and even then I knew that the place was way over crowded, again another astounding gig from the headliners, full of energy and still in my top ten of gigs, at the end we collected everybody and I was the responsible adult and helped everybody including a few waifs and strays, the bus driver eyed me suspiciously but like I said I was the responsible adult I even chatted with him up front and took the collection, a great night was had by all including me.

I awoke with the smell of a cooked breakfast and I devoured it, I had a quick bath thanked my mum and then headed back to the big smoke awaiting for Twisted Sister to hit the capitol, it was all arranged we were going to have a glorious day, we met up for breakfast and then headed to the pub the day then slide all out of control, I never did get to see the gig it would appear that at some point I took offence at something that was said in my direction and in a massive strop I fucked off, in my defence (or not as the case may be) I was totally off my face by two o'clock in the afternoon so no wonder I was stroppy, I have little recollection at all of the day, except I remember I awoke on a night bus travelling around London at some silly time in the morning going god knows where and that it cost me £15 to get back to Croydon in the early hours, and yes I had the biggest hangover of my life, when I crawled out of my pit I gave myself the biggest talking to that I could and although I didn't quite curtail my drinking (I had about another two years worth to go) I did limit myself to beer, nothing mixed and never more than six pints, and I got back into running and exercise (oh I remember those days) I never got to see Twisted ever again probably just as well it would just taint the memory of two perfect gigs damn it those were the days.

So there you go blog number three in six days and number four will be published tomorrow night, it might not be the frivolous type that I have done lately but I do intend it to be the last serious one for a while I intend the following ones to be typed in the style of early Van Halen.................party time oh yeah! so be careful what you wish for, and keep liking and sharing the disease must be further pollinated watch the skies until then.........................Toodles!