Reward

Some of you who have been following me will be aware that I have been trying to resolve my health issues for quite a while now, just over a year ago I was diagnosed as being a sufferer of Type 2 Diabetes, a clear vision was now forming, I needed to know what I could do about it, there was no hurry or so it would appear by the professionals treating me, so for once rather than getting my knickers in a twist I went with the flow, I didn't rock the boat just went with it, I had my feet checked my eyes photographed and was checked for a fatty liver (yes I had one fatter than me!)the one thing I wanted to sort out though, was I wanted to see an actual dietician, I know I wasn't perfect but I wasn't a devil in disguise either.

I had been diagnosed purely by chance and I'm not going to bore you with the previous 10 years attempts of trying to get to the bottom of things primarily weight gain for no obvious reason, I did what I was asked and lo and behold I lost the weight, I then moved back to Gimpsville to be told that "we don't do that treatment here" and then that was the cue for me to be the stubborn wooden head that I can be, I was finally ambushed by a Dr who knew that I needed to checked over. More checks more tests a different diagnosis, different treatments, I then broached the magic age, I then had to go to the Wellmans clinics once a year, hey ho no problem, early last year I was asked to go for a blood test, which came back as abnormal, I was requested to do another, no problem. another blood test, same result abnormal, this wasn't funny anymore, I attended the clinic and did all the usual things did the usual tests, broke another set of scales, we were just about done when I thought I would ask about the blood tests as I had been requested to do a third, I wasn't happy and I was getting just a bit paranoid, thankfully the nurse was brilliant looked at all of my results and came to the conclusion that I was a diabetic (no need for another test) she went and brought a Dr in to confirm the results then they both conferred while I was there and the nurse enquired that with all the blood tests why had nobody twigged to the obvious conclusion, silence .....................alright then lets just get on and deal with it.

As I have already stated the year has passed by quite quickly and although I have done everything requested of me I have been suffering of late and I wanted to get to the bottom the malaise surrounding me. Finally I got an appointment to attend a Desmond clinic were I was told diet would be discussed, we had a small road trip to find it the week before as it was off the beaten track, I was happy as it was next to some windmills (which I appear to have become addicted to) and a duck pond (woo hoo) and so on the appointed day I turned up hot to trot and bright as a button..........that didn't last long. I was by far the youngest and I was the only single person there (the wife was baby sitting) I tried my best to interact, I had that sinking feeling I wasn't happy and all of a sudden I felt that I was being backed into a corner. Now before I go any further can I just say that the staff were bloody fantastic, well they were when they finally got to grips with this nugget!

The course was decidedly new age type of affair, all touchy feely everybody join in type of affair, against all odds I did, they could see I was on the defensive, and they had no idea why, hell neither did I! we did the introductions and I had been diagnosed for more than a year, they had all been diagnosed within the last fortnight, why had I taken so long to do the course? well work, oh I'm sorry you guys are galls are all retired this is a day out for you, deep breathing exercises and some talking through gritted teeth, we moved on we were all given our last results, it was at this point I got scared my results were way off the charts not by a few points but by thirty to forty, they then started to ask if any of us had these symptoms, I had six of the seven and now I didn't want to talk about it, they still hadn't realised that they had a fucking Grizzly bear in the room, they were still talking in that mildly condescending way that seems to be the new way of teaching, me I wanted to be a rebel and I kept fantasising about turning the table over just to see the look on their faces, I was however brought back to reality with a bump a very big bump!

They didn't mention me by name, but we all could do the math, the consequences were bleak the moral of the tale  is potentially I may have passed the point of no return, the organs that have been working flat out to keep this hulk a float could be about to peg out on me......WTF! worse case scenario if I didn't (although it wasn't personnel it sure as hell felt it)sort my wicked ways I could be dead within five years! and on that note lets break for lunch, now it was going to spin out, I was dropped off by the wife the letter said lunch (in whatever form it was going to be) would be provided, that to me implies a free lunch ..............you guessed already, nope you had to pay for it so I sat and fumed not wishing to cause any more problems, although the undercurrent was detected, when everybody shuffled (they really did shuffle) off to the restaurant, I just sat and glowered out the window, when they realised I wasn't going any where they asked if there was a problem, the look of incredibility on their faces when I said I had no money with me ( boy was I pissed off now) I felt like the poor boy at school all over again, I quickly changed the subject and they literally ran away.

Lunch over we got back to the task in hand, I was still brooding and I think it was starting to show itself in the room, thankfully we were getting cut from the herd to do individual interviews, Thankfully when it came to being my turn the full charm offensive was being used, they asked me to do a depression form, I refused, why? because I'm bloody depressed about my weight and now I'm super depressed because of all the information that you have given, the only five years to live bit has me over the fucking moon (excuse my French) they tried to sell CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to me, love it however I have just had a course and I know unless I intend to harm myself or the moon it's not going to happen, at this point sunlight flooded through the defences as they realised that we were both on the same page and they knew that I had some sand bags to at least mount some form of defence, we continued with team activities (deep joy) but I was being swamped by dark thoughts, I was generally just so unhappy about life the universe and my lot within that structure, finally the other people had realised that I wasn't in the best frame of mind although I was trying my best to be part of the activities.

We did the final bits and pieces and then we were free to go not before not one but two members of staff tried to get me to complete the depression chart, I declined as politely as I could, I did say that I would complete it at home with my wife, they looked dubious I also (lied)told them I would let them know if there were any issues and ................well you can guess the rest of the bullshit! the wife was on her way so I sat next to the duck pool and watched the windmills, normality was returning, well my kind of normality, the wife and grand kids turned up and it did bring some light into this black heart of mine, just don't tell them that! we chatted all the way home and they dropped me off I ran into our house as I was starving, but upon looking at something to eat I realised I really had lost my hunger, I had some massive decisions to make, many I already have made, but it was a sobering thought that if I don't get my finger out I might not be here in five years time!  

I completed the depression chart and no surprise it was off the fucking chart, I know I'm depressed, I also know I'm a thousand times better than I was this time last year, so give me some credit please, I need to take small steps with this, no big dramatic changes, I know I can do this, I just have to manage this sensibly, something I'm not always good at, I now know that a lot of my issues stem from my diabetes, it doesn't make me happy but at least I now have all the answers to my questions,I just need to get some solutions , CBT is something that I will have to try again, my last course of treatment did open lots of cans of worms, but I had been sent there for one thing, and time ran out I had to let some other poor soul be treated, how to grasp that particular nettle will have to treated delicately. I have many cunning plans and I will be keeping everyone up to date with my progress because the clamouring from you the readership has been to be honest quite touching, maybe I'm like one of the fungi I was told about, I do grow on some people.

Now all I can do as always is put my best foot forward, yes my condition is one of my own making, no excuses it's time to be a good boy and point this boat towards calmer waters, my reward for doing good is for me to be here longer than the five year diagnosis, I think I will give you (the reader) a rest as four blogs in such a short period of time can be draining although I wont be far, I will be keeping an eye on the numbers, so thanks for the kindness that has been expressed, keep watching the skies until the next time Toodles!