Urban Paranoia

So here we are at week four and still no contact at all from the NHS, talk about run silent run deep, and now the paranoia is starting to take hold! Do they believe me? Do they intend to help me? Am I actually ill? The last one is the one that’s actually playing on my mind, worming its way silently through my defenses and to be truthful at the moment I seem to have come through the worst of my latest problems, but that is one of the problems, it’s only the latest! It flowed away with the tide and I know where it’s sitting I can see it waving at me, but what it’s really doing is saying “hahaha just wait until you least expect it, then we intend to kick the door in and really go to town on you and your neurosis”!

So what do I do? Do I try and reinforce my weak defenses or do I sit and bite my nails and worry, I know I would prefer to do the first but I’m not in charge, my brain is and I don’t think that it is firing on all six cylinders! Part of the time it’s trying to kick over and most of the time it’s just sitting there idling away like it needs its points need resetting. I try and live my life so that most of the items are “smart” yes I know the jokes will be flying thick and fast but honestly I do.

S- Specific, I try and do the task in and hand and I try to focus, but my focus is like me blind without my glasses I’m screwed these days, my focus is a tad blurry and I really do need a bloody good optician.

M- Measurable, I always try and quantify what I’m doing life in itself can be overwhelming enough at time so I try to do life in “measurable” chunks.

A -Achievable, I need to know that what I intend to do is actually achievable I don’t want to reach for the stars, what I want to be is happy, chilled whatever the word of today is that’s what I want, I do not mean to impose my problems (OK so I’m writing a book about it but you get my drift) on anybody, lots of people have issues some more than one, I feel as though my issues are trivial, but some people around me know that that actually isn’t the case.

R – Realistic, this is the one that pushes me over the edge I’m never realistic and it punishes me like a boxer in the ring, my expectations get crushed daily, I don’t need to be looking months ahead I need to concentrate on the coming minutes not hours or days!

T – Timed, as all of my life is I wish I could turn off my internal clock, but I have been the same since I was taught how to tell the time, at whatever age that was, I have been fascinated by the passage of time how it flows and ebbs, and it’s time specifically that screws me reliving the same six minutes over and over in my head, time is really my enemy, one that I know I will never defeat it and I should never try ….but you know me I do and it kicks my arse every time.

So now I sit here and wait and the waiting is an insidious thing it’s the thing sitting there mocking me telling me that it’s going to fuck with my head on a daily basis no matter what I do no matter what I say.

My friends whether they know it or not help immeasurably, I know most of them don’t have a clue about it, and sometimes just sometimes I sit and watch and I always wonder how do they manage or if they even do manage and then the paranoia kicks back in and tells me that they have no worries! It’s me and my paranoia for life there doesn’t seem to be a happy balance, one day hopefully but not just yet, maybe I am asking for the stars, if I am I don’t care anymore because as I’m often told a shy bairn gets nowt!

Euphoria

So here I am just over a week after the initial appraisal and the NHS is running silent running deep, not even a smoke signal to indicate that I’m drawing breath. I know I’m now a small part of an even larger machine and the space time continuum hasn’t even probably taken another breath in the grand scheme of things, it’s now a case of hurry up and wait.

The euphoria that I was feeling of actually making the first step towards rescue, has soon subsided it lasted in reality a little more than twenty four hours and then that little black cloud popped up and followed me at a safe distance,  all the time I was a damn sight more positive than I had been for quite a long while. But it ebbed away like a bag of sugar with a hole in it, granules slowly slipping away, and the cloud just grew day by day.

I tried to stay happier and I hope I succeeded, but although outwardly I was the picture of happiness and helpfulness, inside I was back to bitter old ways and the festering inside, it was simmered away and as I sit here now I know I’m resentful of the world and his bloody Uncle.

My patience which is legendary (cough splutter) is wearing thin and how as I always tend to have a happy smiley face most of the time (cough splutter I really must get to the doctor to see about this cough)I have a tendency to snap back straight away, some wag actually put a beware of the dog sign on my desk, oh how I laughed as I destroyed it in front of everybody (it’s the thought that counts) it’s a really good way of clearing an office. I even had an informal discussion with one of the senior managers who enquired “how is it going? “  “I have decided not to put up with fools” was my reply to which he sharply buggered off in the general direction of which he came. At least I didn’t answer “we have decided not to put up with fools” because that really would have sent people scurrying away looking for one of those coats with the sleeves that buckle at the back!

That’s not to say that I’m being overly aggressive at all, I’m just doing what everybody else does, rather than being the helpful person that I usually am (don’t snigger I really do try to help anybody and everybody) for some reason at the moment I’m not, Now I know that this isn’t good for me, I require as much sunshine for my soul as possible and believe it or not I am of my own accord trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I don’t intend to let my moods slide, I’m under no illusion that I will be a happy as a bug in a rug, but I do understand if I don’t try and keep myself on a level playing field then the world and his said Uncle will indeed suffer, but so will I and to be honest that’s exactly what has been making me unhappy.

I’m led to believe I should take charge of the ship that I’m in charge of, but I feel helpless too because as I have said previously (many times) that the world has a tendency to operate in Grey where as I have always tended to operate in black and white (please insert appropriate football joke here). I think I am more worried for others than myself, because at times I have a tendency to be a tad blunt! I even have a reputation of not thinking through what I should actually say. The fact that I don’t care is a worrying sign and although we have been together twenty two years I can’t actually see the wife putting up with what I have put up with over the years.

Now that’s not to say that I am bullied or anything else, I’m not but for the bulk of time I have just gone with the flow, which helps the wife who in turn does help me, but some things annoy me, she has a tendency to ignore me when she needs too (again most of the time and again I usually don’t have an issue with this) I’m aware that with my issues at the moment, I’m hoping not to flare up and cause diplomatic issues between us as two neighboring parties lets call the wife Russia (because she has all the firepower) and I’m Finland (cold but a devious little shit) if you know your history you will understand. The gun boat diplomacy is wearing thin and I crave breathing space not independence, but I can see how this spiral’s out.

My moods need to remain stable and for  me not to be the bitter pill I can be, and although it doesn’t take much for me to be said bitter pill in my own sweet way I am indeed trying very hard to, I will admit to the fridge and all of it’s contents are increasingly on my mind as I look for the next fix to get me through the mood swings, that as sure as god made little apples are back in full flow, the vicious circle of needing to lose weight for my knees and then the balance of being unhappy and then trying to eat my weight (and believe me that’s a lot of weight) of whatever is edible inside, does this help me of course it doesn’t but do you  think that bothers my insidious little black cloud, it’s just sat there waiting for me, waiting for me to drop my cover so it can slide in between my defenses and burrow it’s way into my subconscious.

Work isn’t helping life isn’t helping people in general aren’t helping, but at the moment I’m still waving and not drowning, positivity is there at least helping me keep an even keel on an even keel, but the longer I sit (not quite literally) tied to the phone like an expectant father, there’s a general feeling this needs to happen sooner rather than later, after waiting so long the levee is about to burst its banks and I don’t really want to be held responsible for what will come streaming through, for any of the inhabitants, because this has the potential to make Hurricane Katrina look like a summer shower.

 Hopefully the next chapter ( I’m attempting writing these on a regular basis) will still be reasonably chirpy, I know this one has steered from its path a little but it’s not all doom and gloom we haven’t quite boarded the Titanic yet it may be coming into dock but it’s not tied to the dock accepting paying passengers just……..yet!  

The Grand Scheme Of Things

So I sat one day contemplating my navel and other issues, I realized that this ship that had traveled the seas with me was battered and bruised and at some point I understood that I was in need of some mental TLC.

In general over the last twenty years the episodes that had dogged both my waking and sleeping hours, seemed to have dulled down to just a roar, I was careful as I could be, but from time to time I did slip and sometimes I was negative to the extreme, no matter what I did, no matter what I tried, all the mental exercises, all the breathing exercises nothing seemed to work.

After all this time it was as though I still didn’t have a clue on how to handle something, which I had been dealing with over the years with varying degrees of sanity. It got underneath my guard and basically gave me a few damn good shots to the ribs. I was emotionally detached at times when I really shouldn’t have been, times when there were no reason for flashbacks or seemingly blank moments (thank god I don’t drive). It would just come rushing at me and crash over the top of me as though I was a harbour wall, well the harbour wall got breached and was in a bad state of repair, I had dodged a few moments and was bouncing about like a boxer on my toes trying to regain some composure, regain my breath and I wasn’t winning it was meant to be a fifteen round fight and I was on my uppers by the sixth.

Generally over the last thirty two years I have kept a closed lid on my issues, but as I get older and the group of people that I hang with, my defenses have relaxed, and I mean that in a good way, I’m a lot more comfortable with myself I’m nowhere near as paranoid, I am able to assimilate information and dissect what Is required and not generally get hung up on stuff, Some people tend to see a guy who has a serious side but who likes a laugh and is getting more comfortable with his own skin. It’s not like I want to scratch it off in the process, not like I used to.

Writing I have discovered is a good way for me to relieve myself of all the stress and negativity, some of it has been humorous some of it has been bleak, some of it have been huge flights of fancy with everybody wondering what the hell drugs I have been partaking! but in general I’m hoping it’s been humorous, if you go through all the blogs and books I’m sure there’s a common thread, I’m sure that people realize I’m not the nutter my wife seems sometimes to see. But times spiraled and the writing didn’t help, as I struggled with life the universe and his minions!

I had tons of ideas for writing but for some reason my writing always got black and then blacker and then, well let’s just not go there, so I did loads of writing then realized that if I had published any of it I’m sure I would have been in a padded cell quicker than a streaker at a 1970’s rugby match! So I tried to be selective and I struggled to finish book projects, I had lovingly bashed away at the keyboard but even good things just turned to desolation for no reason what so ever, so the books dried up, not for want of trying, I loved writing and it seemed some of you guys out there did as well, what I did notice the less I wrote the more the depression crept back in and it was more tidal than it had been before, friends went that little bit further to see that I was alright, but the crux of the matter was my issues gathered strength, like some bloody book about a ring and the return of ….yeah you know what I mean. This time though it was nasty it just rode rough shod over everything and I didn’t like it I wasn’t prepared for it and it knew.

Night time was the worst reliving (the day time was just as shitty but I was able to distract my brain) the same six minutes over and over again might seem like a nuisance to some people, but when it’s the only thing that you dream about for nights on end repeating like an old dad’s army episode on some obscure digital channel, it wears you down, to the point that you don’t want to sleep. That in itself is enough to wind people up but I like my job so I have a tendency to go at it at one hundred miles an hour, you need your strength because you soon get worn down. On top of that various issues at home, which by themselves amount to not a lot but throw them in together it’s a heady mix, one which you won’t win and one which won’t let go even if you get down on bended knees to pray to whichever deity you believe in.

Once it had got a hold on the night time it started trying to muscle in on my day time as well, thankfully I can have a bit more control through the day but it got sneaky like a rogue wave every once in a while, it would try and get around behind me, but usually I was able to deflect it out of harm’s way and get away from it quite easily. But then it got a toe hold it wouldn’t let go like a zombie hanging on to your car as you try to speed away, clinging on for all its worth, early evening was the worst because it prayed on my need for sleep and it was banging on the door letting me know it was there and what was coming once I drifted off to sleep.

Then one Sunday afternoon out with friends, for no reason in the world, nothing to set it off, no warning no nothing (and yes I have blogged about it) it was like the D day landings all over again and my problems were the allies and they had a beach head and then in quick succession they stormed through my defenses and I was fucked totally caught with  my guard down and people saw me for the person that I really am, I was close to tears and I couldn’t understand it and then full of regret that I had potentially spoilt peoples day out. It was then after all the trauma of the previous 32 years I decided that I had had enough I needed professional help, and it felt like because I had made that decision my emotions where going to give me the hiding of a lifetime! They did but they didn’t win, I got teary a few more times and when it was really bad I disappeared off to the (cough splutter) gents to recompose myself, the day slid me and the wife attended a gig (go read the bloody blog) and the cycle continued.

I had made an appointment the next day to see the Dr on my first day of my holiday to deal with some skin tags, the wife couldn’t be with me, so she was going to have to trust me, the week went by at a snail’s pace and I had some fantastic support from peeps who I will be eternally grateful to, and finally the day arrived and the wife viewed me with suspicion, I had a reputation for not dealing with my local practice in an adult way, I had a tendency to throw my toys out of the pram if they pissed me off (which was often) but I got there on time (no surprise there) and I actually asked the Dr for some professional help, at which point he became disinterested and said he would write me a letter to the trick cyclists, (army slang I’m sure you will work it out) the first step taken or actually prepared  it appeared as though my bullies backed off  and were worried (yeah fuck you ya bastards!).

That’s not the end of the tale and hopefully the essence of this book (if you’re reading this you must know that I have gone back into book mode) is to what happens next to go through the process for my treatment, this isn’t intended to be a humorous happy book, there could be potentially a few bleak passages, but this is me wanting to be fixed, mended, normal whatever is the buzzword of the day. some of this stuff might be touched on in some context in the blogs, but this will be the full expurgated version, this isn’t to make light of the subject matter, I have some fucking heavy issues that I have carried around with me for quite a while and for the sake of my sanity and the wellbeing of my family I need to sort them out (no I’m not going to harm myself or do anything silly that doesn’t mean that I’m not suffering) so if you can keep all extremities within the car at all times this is going to be a bumpy ride. This is going to be the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth and it’s going to be bloody ugly.

So in the grand scheme of things I’m a molecule but I’m a molecule that wants to do well, be better and hopefully enjoy the last twenty plus years left on this planet. This is my attempt to put up with it no more and a chance for me to hold my head up high and get on with it.

Here is the news

Ok so slowly slowly catchee monkey, I have been trying to have some form of a life, and failing spectacularly, no nothing to whinge about just floating in the river of life, technology has kicked my ass way too much, but I will get to that in a moment as I have something big, well for me anyway to announce in a little while.

I have been dealing with lots of emails and such like with regards the blog and if you get a curt thank you please be satisfied, I have in the past had a tendency to open my mouth wide and both feet climb in, no I don't reply via a proper email account just one linked to this blog page security measures are still my number one concern (please read previous blogs.....and books for the reasons why) the name game is back in play and its great to see some of the old faces pop up with the same old answers (come on Nils I make them as easy as I can).

A weeks holiday has seen me stay within the house and retreat into my cave, not good for me not good for the world, but it is what it is, I need to keep going one step at a time and although I have been a misery (sorry to everybody) I have at least been more positive than I have been in years.

The new book isn't getting released well not by Blurb anyway, their user friendly software isn't so friendly and after several (thousand) attempts I have decided to release it via the blog page, so expect one chapter a day for the next twenty two days, that's twenty one chapters and the special thanks, you lot asked for a new book well guess what you need to be very careful what you wish for.

Cunning plans are moving forward and I shall endeavour to be involved to the best of my abilities, and work is on the horizon not really wanting to go back but what the hell can I do about it (at the moment|) so brace your knickers the book starts later today maybe tomorrow morning after I have proof read it for the millionth time, you will get the fully uncensored version of my cognitive behavioural therapy treatment. I hope you will enjoy it lets see what the reaction is. so until the end of this wild ride, there will be no more blogs until the book is finally out there, so until then and I see you on the other side of it........................Toodles! oh and this was going to be the cover for The Great Unravelling.

   

You can't save me

I have been lower than a snake's belly since the last blog generally feeling sorry for little old me and wiped out, my get up and go got up and buggered off over the hill thataway! now when I say feeling sorry for myself not in the "the end is nigh" kind of sorry just tired! a couple of nightshifts in-between other shifts hasn't helped and a long run in to the last weeks holiday of the year means I need to man up and grow a set.

Maybe I have been going about this all wrong, I finally got to see a Dr regarding my diabetes, which although quite personal, it was really funny with me and the wife trading quotes from the TV series Dinner ladies backwards and forwards lifted my spirits (you had to be there) there wasn't good news but nothing bad either, it was exactly what I had expected, on another health issue note, my gimp mask keeps escaping on a night time (I take it off and switch it off while I'm still asleep) so I'm not feeling as energised as before and I think that that is the biggest contributing factor to my lethargy, ah well back to the hospital this week maybe they can shed some light on it!

Work is work and again I'm just not hitting my stride hopefully I can resolve all my issues this week and get motivated, it seems to be the thread that's running through my life at the moment, what can I say? I still need to find a hobby but there's nothing getting my attention, any helpful hints gratefully accepted and I did say "helpful", my writing has been ............just OK of late and although I have had a couple of ideas for blogs I didn't think that they were good enough.....alright..........but not up to scratch, I didn't just want to come across as a miserable .....again you get the picture, so I kept the proverbial powder dry and thought sod it I have to get something out there!

Again numbers have been off the charts for the older blogs, the new ones have been doing about the usual numbers so it's time I stepped it up a notch and try and do something with this thing called life, last night was awesome as we finally got to see the G & E out in the big bad world for the first time since February, and it was a good night, did we get up to mischief? of course not, but it was lovely to behave like adults, have a few beers and generally just chill, the time flew and we soon heading back to Gimpsville even though we had to avoid the cones of death as they attempted to take us to the other side of the moon, we beat the drum and made it back in record time.

A quick call to the American Embassy and then we chilled with the hell hound from Hades generally trying to sit in the wife's lap (he won't be able to do that for much longer) then today has been a lazy kind of day (no surprise there then) the new book although some of you don't believe me is done and completed but I keep stressing about how to use the new soft wear (go figure me with my reputation) so me and the wife will sit down and sort it out during my holiday (honest), and that's this one done just to prove that I'm alive and kicking, the title well I have gone back to playing the name game although quite a few knew that anyway, but the title is true you can't save me its only me that can do that, so as I attempt to pull up my socks as my 50th birthday approaches,  there needs to be a new me and that's in my hands not yours, as always thanks for the good vibes and comments, by all means keep spreading the disease, click like on links , share on farcebook and if this is the first time here go back and read some of the older blog's some of them have a streak of humour in them a mile wide! so until the next time watch the skies.....Incoming or as I like to say Toodles!

And now the waltz

Whoa did you feel that? the earth just tilted, yes it's me sat at the keyboard trying to be witty (if ever there was such a thing) trying to make sense of my life and all of the excitement that goes with it (NOT).

Work has taken over at the moment and every time I walk into a room all at work, all I get is the smell of fear, it's not pretty and I like to think that I have been quite an easy going guy, however as of today my contractor is nine weeks over from practical completion, something from day one they said they never would be, well I'm going to start busting peoples balls, why because people are going to start busting mine and well to be honest I'm pretty much sick of being Mr nice guy, do the job you are paid to do, I believe its called shit or get of the pot!

Music isn't even helping, not that I'm playing as much as I would like, but hey ho I have learnt that you don't actually get what you want, so as always lets just go with the flow and lets push the hatred all the way down into the pit of my stomach (no wonder I'm so fat) do I sound resentful? did my therapy course help me? who knows? who cares? I just want to get the next week out of the way, so I can become a more rounded person than what I have been, my sleep is all out of wack as well, I start with my bomber command mask on, but at some point in the night while I'm asleep I actually physically take the bloody thing off put it neatly in place and switch the thing off (WTF) I'm sure I will get a good old fashioned bollocking when I go back to the gimp mask clinic.

So am I unhappy? actually no I'm not, what I'm really unhappy about is that I'm not managing my time more efficiently, I'm disappointed that I haven't put pen to paper like I said I was going to, although I am quite happy with the numbers and Italy at the moment has become a real stronghold god knows why, so bear with me, I'm missing my friends and catching up with them is going to be my main order of the day, because I know that for a fact that all work and no play makes this particular bear into a raging grizzly it's not big and its not clever so you lot have stuck along for the ride so far! you're not  thinking of quitting on me just yet are you?

To be honest if I hadn't got this stream of bile onto the paper I probably would have just sat with my head in the fridge eating all the crap  that's in there, the thing that is tickling me though I am (supposedly) the master of my own destiny and yet I let everything else take over, go figure me a grown man hahahahaha trust me I'm fine just trying not to crash and burn that's all, so watch this space you never know what may come your way sooner or later (or much much later) and if you see my I will try and dance for you so that I don't just bulldozer past anybody I know, time is money or at least that what my contractor is going to find out tomorrow, until the next time keep spreading the disease, watch the skies incoming......Toodles!

Wrapped up in time

So I took some time off.....go sue me, hey I helped Scotland remain part of the union! I'm bound to be
tired, ok so I did a short blog and that was that, I got wrapped up in other stuff but basically proved three blogs in one day was way too much as apathy ruled amongst my readers it barely made double figures initially and although its catching up it may take a while to hit the heights I have come to expect for my little cherubs that I publish..

Then life just over took me, lots of spinning plates at work and while I had tons of ideas to post I really couldn't be arsed after work to blog, so I left it and then my holidays were upon us, there was me thinking that I was in charge of my own life and it ran past me slapping me on the back of the napper laughing at the old fat man!

Fish had been going to play earlier in the year but he lost a guitarist due to illness and the gig was put back, I spat my dummy out ( I was in the middle of my treatment) and got a refund swearing I wasn't going to the rescheduled gig, thankfully SMOR turned up and talked me into going, we met up at The Bishops Mill pub in Durham not after a climb up to the top of K2, this getting old malarkey is really crap, firmly fixed into place I actually saw a few people who I knew from "The Company" and after some brief hello's we settled down to generally taking the piss we headed across to the venue after a few (ahem) drinks only to see Fish himself dashing up the road away from the venue, oooh was this a good start, as it turns out there was nothing to worry about, we found out what the time the start of the gig was and promptly headed back to the pub, were by I was pounced upon by people asking me what time the gig started, must have been my fish heads fleece , my public duty done we had a few more drinks before we headed back to the venue.

Am I going to review the gig hell no all I will say is that it was a fantastic gig apart from the flash light gestapo who nearly set the wife off on a killing spree, our original tickets where way up in the balcony and although they would have been great we ended up three rows from the front, my only gripe was that there wasn't a lot of banter (first night teething problems) but it easily goes into my top ten Fish gigs (that was my 52nd time seeing him solo) the set list I enjoyed although I knew what it was I didn't particularly look forward to  it, but it worked and I honestly had no complaints. gig ended back to the pub, with a slight diversion, we couldn't get to the pub we wanted to get to as it was fresher's week, we ended up in the slug and lettuce (crap name crap pub with a five pound hike in prices for the same drinks!) and then when we discovered it was closing, so we headed back to base camp (the car) thankfully via a flatter route. upon arrival we discovered that some of the shopping that "I" had left in the car had upended and partially emptied into the well for the spare wheel, oh dear at least the car smelt clean (it was clothes conditioner for the washing machine) we did a good deed and threw SMOR and his good lady out in the middle of absolutely nowhere, we then headed home and made it within 30 minutes (ye gods pray for me) and soon headed up the wooden hill for some well deserved sleep.

Tuesday was great just me and the missus doing things we very rarely get to do, I even took the good lady wife out to dinner, bless me I had to make the most of it, Wednesday the house erupted with Ebola or some other such disease, ok it was flu and thankfully I wasn't affected but everybody else was, so the rest of the week was really me looking after the corpses that roamed the house, it did hit me in the tonsils (still suffering but soldering on) but we kept going as a unit and we didn't leave anybody behind.

Illness scuppered our plans to go and visit E as we certainly didn't want her to get our illness, but she did escape and I as I type she has  headed out for lunch so hopefully this will turn into good times (they both deserve them), last night we headed into town to hook up with peeps who we hadn't seen in a while, and a jolly good night was had by all and a huge discussion about music bands gigs etc between myself and Mr G was greatly appreciated, however as I sit typing this trying desperately getting into Marillion albums without Fish, I have to admit I just can't, they are great and atmospheric but where are the hooks, the memorable lyrics and most of all the songs! I like them but they are not what I want good luck to them but nah sorry I think not!

Did we do everything that we intended to do with the time I was off don't be silly, but we did make some cunning plans on what we intend to do in the coming months good times hopefully. the book was one thing that took a back seat again rest assured it is finished but I think I'm going to need a hand (the wife) from my I.T department! An early night tonight as  I'm back to the grind tomorrow with some odd hours in this coming week and worry not there will be more regular blogs coming along the track, the numbers of the blogs have chugged along, with a few new readers in Italy welcome Mario and Lucas keep spreading the disease and I will be back soon so until then Toodles!