Free Falling.

A short missive (allegedly) as I work on something slightly larger, it would appear that I have the agility of a hippopotamus on a unicycle, I have fallen more times in the last two years than I have in the previous 57 years, go figure!

 

I don’t mind falling, actually that’s a lie I do, but I have noticed that it tends to hurt a lot more than it used to, and they always seem to be in slow motion, let’s make a list over the last two years, lets get you the reader’s opinion!

January 2022. I slipped on ice as I walked diligently towards Durham Train Station, I landed on my back and because I wear a big bag, I kind of got whiplash, which if I’m honest I am still suffering from now, I did see someone, I still do the exercises for my neck, but most times it still hurts and I mean it really hurts.

May 2022. Conducting an evacuation drill and talking sound measurements, I kind of got lost as wasn’t paying due care and attention, I landed on my knees (my poor damaged knees) onto solid stone floors from two steps up on a set of stairs, thankfully nobody saw me, but when I exited the building, everybody rushed, no that’s wrong they all laughed at the old man who was crippled and could barely stand!

May 2022. The very next day I misjudged my step onto the bus (and yes it was daylight) and thankfully a kind person grabbed my bag from behind, and saved some of my dignity, I was still suffering from the day before.

May 2022. You can see a theme developing can’t you again I missed a step in the house as I went downstairs (in the dark, as I train to be a ninja) I overstepped, missed the last step and face planted the floor in the passageway, and nobody woke up to see who was being murdered!

July 2022 I was getting ready to disembark from my bus to go to work when (allegedly) a small child ran in front of the bus (they did, I simply didn’t see it) and the driver unfortunately had to slam the brakes, as myself and two others ended up in a heap at the bottom of the stairs (its why I hate sitting upstairs) thankfully my fall was softened by two youngsters, bless I don’t think that they were impressed as they hit the ground before me.

October 2022. The funniest fall by far and thankfully the one that hurt the least, I was walking across a flat surface when I slipped and went into full Norman Wisdom Mode, it would appear that I went up in the air did a somersault and landed back on my feet, only my pride and my knees suffered any real pain, but after people stopped laughing and picked themselves up, we all had a look as to what caused me to be an acrobat, four of us looked and nobody found any clue! Spooky to say the least.

December 2022. By the worst and most serious of this year’s incidents, I fell in the loft while attempting to sort out the Christmas dec’s, thankfully my youngest was up with me and was ready to pounce in case that I rolled to my left and out of the hatch, it hurt the most , again my knees and hands took the brunt but I jarred my dodgy shoulder as I fell ( as always in slow motion) and put my hands out, I suffered for about a week and my ribs were sore but not from laughing!

January 2023. Thankfully just a small slip as I was attempting to climb the Matterhorn, I mean climb in the car thankfully the door saved my dignity, the wife looked at me slightly funny, but didn’t make a comment as she knows I usually respond with a quick “oh F*** off”

March 2023. I was sorting out the training facility and I turned and tripped over some fire extinguishers, I lay there for a while not much damage done other than to my dignity and some scraped flesh from my shin!

March 2023. I nearly fell out of the shower, again it’s a new bath tub and I struggle to be able to exit the bath safely, its quite a high side, I have a cunning plan, however this time I decided to use something other than the safe method of exiting, thankfully my knees clashed against the bath tub and I simply had to right myself.

Augst 2023. This one I have no idea what happened I simply know I landed face down on the pavement near to my local pizza place, it wasn’t wet or icy there was no alcohol involved I simply went down as though I had been shot by a sniper, again nothing hurt other than the last of my dignity being totally shredded!

November 2023. We dropped the shopping off in the yard the wife went to park the car and I dragged the bags into the house, I got everything in except one bag and as I bent at the waist to pick it up  again my knee gave away, the bag was light I went down ricked my shoulder and my knee and landed on concrete and the sympathy I got off the wife as she came in the house and I informed her of the deed was “you stupid bugger”

The last two falls, were definite assassination attempts by the wife, she will argue the toss but she has form for this kind of thing I will let you decide:

December 2023. The first was a small fall in our house in the Grandson’s bedroom thankfully I rolled off the bed to a kneeling position, why do I suspect the wife, well seconds after the incident I heard from downstairs “Are you alright?” simply because she sounded guilty as if she has set up the trap, I slept that night with no dignity left and with one eye open!

December 2023. By far the worst fall since the first one we were entering the house and because of my knees it would appear that I walk like a penguin my foot caught something and I fell my face hitting the wall my shoulder hitting the radiator, and the final injury I had in my arms a big tub of used batteries that we were going to dispose of correctly, if anything the tub gave some protection, but as I hit the floor I knew that (yet again) I had definitely cracked a couple of ribs, it took around 15 minutes for me to even attempt to get up off the floor and as people tried to assist I was loud and uncouth telling them in no uncertain terms I didn’t want any help, as I was (and to some degree nearly 4 weeks later in a lot of pain) not sure if I had actually broken something, thankfully I didn’t have any dignity left.

How have I remembered each incident well I made notes because I actually felt a blog coming on with each fall / assassination attempt, there were a couple of other minor ones but they were so inconsequential they barely even deserve a mention in this footnote, as my knees get worse my balance is shocking the falls are varying degrees of horrific, I think I realise that my death will be caused by a bloody fall, each day is a blessing I simply await the final fall!

So there you have it, what was meant to a small missive has turned into war and peace (no surprise there then)so onwards with the new year, this one is a little late due to family life being what it is and the fact the wife had a fall out in the street yesterday, thankfully there was a good Samaritan who stopped their car and came to the wife’s aid, none of us seem to be getting any younger, so take care and stay alive until the next one……..Toodles!

oh and yes the name game is in play!