Sorry boys and girls but I have to get technical with you as I have had a bit of a week with one or two of you getting a bit antsy, some of you wondering why I have down shifts in mood and why the "cheer up it might never happen" doesn't work, even the wife who is usually my rock made the stunning comment "you are the only misery in this house" give the girl a coconut! and if she doesn't get it people like me who are doing our best to trudge through life are well and truly screwed!
Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present. A depressed mood is a feature of some psychiatric syndromes such as major depressive disorder.
That's the technical description and with the exception of being suicidal, I have at some point had or still do have all of those symptoms, I don't control them they control me, I'm better now than I have been in the last 33 years, yes I got some help but in some ways it opened up a bigger can of worms, I do know I have suffered manic depression for the last five years, what triggered it off I have no idea, but trust me on bad days I can understand why people get suicidal, my shrink that I saw last year says that I have good defense mechanism, as my main out look on life is as long as I wake up happy! but what happens if I ever wake up unhappy.
The fact that I have set myself impossibly high standards for myself, yet not for others seems to be the starting point, but isn't it silly that you don't really notice something until a qualified person (in this case my shrink) points it out, certain people had pointed this out to me before, but as always I chose to ignore them. My PTSD didn't help matters and although I seem to have a much better grip on it these days (you are never really cured) was this the rock that started my cheese to slide of my cracker.
I am a better person today than I was a year ago, I am more balanced than I have ever been in the last 33 years of my life (go figure) I work with a great bunch of people (who although they don't realise it help me immeasurably) I have some fantastic friends and although I find it hard to express my self I do indeed love every single one of you, but saying cheer up misery doesn't cut the mustard I'm afraid. do you not think if I could I would.
The emails I received this week were from long time readers of the blog and who I soon realised that English is not their first language so the nuances of my written attempt at English may be slightly off kilter, but we discussed and soon resolved our issues, a bad day yesterday with my blood pressure didn't help, neither did me getting up early to cook breakfast for everybody as they snoozed away the morning, Then a stroppy wife looking for a pair of shoes that seem to have disappeared sent the wife into the stratosphere resulting in said misery comment and now I sit alone in the festering at the comment unhappy and quite angry. I saw a poster this week and it said "depression is like living with a body that wants to live but your brain just wants to die" that is so true and until you experience it please don't make little comments that don't help at all.
Sorry if this sounds like I am on my high horse I'm not, it doesn't take much for me to slide down in a deep dark hole, although I do try to give an outwardly impression of happiness, my eyes I know are telling different stories, I know I'm sinking into a black mood that will be difficult to shake, but I won't be beaten, I intend to fight it very step of the way, I want to get back to the fun loving person I used to be (yeah I know I don't recognise the description either) I don't quit, I want to be a better person for my wife for my family for my friends and for the people who I work with, don't say I don't have a game plan because I do, its just damn hard getting out of this sludge, that's me done until the next time, keep spreading the disease and watch the skies............incoming until then Toodles!
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