Sensitive to light

Work, work, work, work, work, work, stay in the house, work, work, work, work, work, stare at blank walls, work ,work, work, work, work, feelings of alienation, work, work, work, work, eat obsessively, work, work, work, work, work, do nothing at all just stare at bank account, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, worry about the family, work, work, work, work, work, work, something bad goes wrong, work, work, work, work, work, work, worry about my health, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

I don’t always have black thoughts but when I do there is little I can do to control them, as I always say if I can wake up happy I can take anything that life throws at me!

Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, staying the house, work, work, work, work, dark thoughts, work, work, work, something crap happens, work, work, work, play some music, work, work, work, work, work, sleep, work, work, work, work, work, sit and stare at the darkness, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, laugh at my bank account or lack of it, work, work, work, work, work, try and drag myself back to the light, work, work, work, work, work, feelings of hatred, work, work, work, work, work, grit and determination.

I don't always have black thoughts and I do fight them every day, I know there are people out there in a far worse predicament than me, I just have to shake my head and remind myself! 

Work, work, work, work, work, isolation, work, work, work, work, work, music makes the day better, work, work, work, work, work, resentment, work, work, work, work, work, stay in the house, work, work, work, work, work, work, worry about my family, work, work, work, work, work pain and heartache, work, work, work, work, work, work, more shit happens, work, work, work, work, sleep deprivation, work, work, work, work, work, work, grinding halt.

I don't always have black thoughts but when I do I struggle to motivate myself I don't feel sorry for myself I just don't like the person I have become, I have to strive to be the person I was, I haven't always been like this!

Work, work, work, work, work, work, miss my friends, work, work, work, work, work, sadness, work, work, work, work, work, work, feelings of jealousy then shame, work, work, work, work, work, anger, work, work, work, work, work, work, despair, work, work, work, work, work, work, helpless, work, work, work,

I see the pattern developing all work makes me a very unhappy person, although it seems that all I can do is bury myself is in work, I don't have black thoughts for my family or friends, I will always be there for them, it's me I have lost sight of, I feel that the devil is me, darkness is not friend I need the light I need to burn as bright as I have before.

I know I'm not in a great place but please believe me I am doing everything that I can do so until the next (happier) times.....................Toodles!

Reward

Some of you who have been following me will be aware that I have been trying to resolve my health issues for quite a while now, just over a year ago I was diagnosed as being a sufferer of Type 2 Diabetes, a clear vision was now forming, I needed to know what I could do about it, there was no hurry or so it would appear by the professionals treating me, so for once rather than getting my knickers in a twist I went with the flow, I didn't rock the boat just went with it, I had my feet checked my eyes photographed and was checked for a fatty liver (yes I had one fatter than me!)the one thing I wanted to sort out though, was I wanted to see an actual dietician, I know I wasn't perfect but I wasn't a devil in disguise either.

I had been diagnosed purely by chance and I'm not going to bore you with the previous 10 years attempts of trying to get to the bottom of things primarily weight gain for no obvious reason, I did what I was asked and lo and behold I lost the weight, I then moved back to Gimpsville to be told that "we don't do that treatment here" and then that was the cue for me to be the stubborn wooden head that I can be, I was finally ambushed by a Dr who knew that I needed to checked over. More checks more tests a different diagnosis, different treatments, I then broached the magic age, I then had to go to the Wellmans clinics once a year, hey ho no problem, early last year I was asked to go for a blood test, which came back as abnormal, I was requested to do another, no problem. another blood test, same result abnormal, this wasn't funny anymore, I attended the clinic and did all the usual things did the usual tests, broke another set of scales, we were just about done when I thought I would ask about the blood tests as I had been requested to do a third, I wasn't happy and I was getting just a bit paranoid, thankfully the nurse was brilliant looked at all of my results and came to the conclusion that I was a diabetic (no need for another test) she went and brought a Dr in to confirm the results then they both conferred while I was there and the nurse enquired that with all the blood tests why had nobody twigged to the obvious conclusion, silence .....................alright then lets just get on and deal with it.

As I have already stated the year has passed by quite quickly and although I have done everything requested of me I have been suffering of late and I wanted to get to the bottom the malaise surrounding me. Finally I got an appointment to attend a Desmond clinic were I was told diet would be discussed, we had a small road trip to find it the week before as it was off the beaten track, I was happy as it was next to some windmills (which I appear to have become addicted to) and a duck pond (woo hoo) and so on the appointed day I turned up hot to trot and bright as a button..........that didn't last long. I was by far the youngest and I was the only single person there (the wife was baby sitting) I tried my best to interact, I had that sinking feeling I wasn't happy and all of a sudden I felt that I was being backed into a corner. Now before I go any further can I just say that the staff were bloody fantastic, well they were when they finally got to grips with this nugget!

The course was decidedly new age type of affair, all touchy feely everybody join in type of affair, against all odds I did, they could see I was on the defensive, and they had no idea why, hell neither did I! we did the introductions and I had been diagnosed for more than a year, they had all been diagnosed within the last fortnight, why had I taken so long to do the course? well work, oh I'm sorry you guys are galls are all retired this is a day out for you, deep breathing exercises and some talking through gritted teeth, we moved on we were all given our last results, it was at this point I got scared my results were way off the charts not by a few points but by thirty to forty, they then started to ask if any of us had these symptoms, I had six of the seven and now I didn't want to talk about it, they still hadn't realised that they had a fucking Grizzly bear in the room, they were still talking in that mildly condescending way that seems to be the new way of teaching, me I wanted to be a rebel and I kept fantasising about turning the table over just to see the look on their faces, I was however brought back to reality with a bump a very big bump!

They didn't mention me by name, but we all could do the math, the consequences were bleak the moral of the tale  is potentially I may have passed the point of no return, the organs that have been working flat out to keep this hulk a float could be about to peg out on me......WTF! worse case scenario if I didn't (although it wasn't personnel it sure as hell felt it)sort my wicked ways I could be dead within five years! and on that note lets break for lunch, now it was going to spin out, I was dropped off by the wife the letter said lunch (in whatever form it was going to be) would be provided, that to me implies a free lunch ..............you guessed already, nope you had to pay for it so I sat and fumed not wishing to cause any more problems, although the undercurrent was detected, when everybody shuffled (they really did shuffle) off to the restaurant, I just sat and glowered out the window, when they realised I wasn't going any where they asked if there was a problem, the look of incredibility on their faces when I said I had no money with me ( boy was I pissed off now) I felt like the poor boy at school all over again, I quickly changed the subject and they literally ran away.

Lunch over we got back to the task in hand, I was still brooding and I think it was starting to show itself in the room, thankfully we were getting cut from the herd to do individual interviews, Thankfully when it came to being my turn the full charm offensive was being used, they asked me to do a depression form, I refused, why? because I'm bloody depressed about my weight and now I'm super depressed because of all the information that you have given, the only five years to live bit has me over the fucking moon (excuse my French) they tried to sell CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to me, love it however I have just had a course and I know unless I intend to harm myself or the moon it's not going to happen, at this point sunlight flooded through the defences as they realised that we were both on the same page and they knew that I had some sand bags to at least mount some form of defence, we continued with team activities (deep joy) but I was being swamped by dark thoughts, I was generally just so unhappy about life the universe and my lot within that structure, finally the other people had realised that I wasn't in the best frame of mind although I was trying my best to be part of the activities.

We did the final bits and pieces and then we were free to go not before not one but two members of staff tried to get me to complete the depression chart, I declined as politely as I could, I did say that I would complete it at home with my wife, they looked dubious I also (lied)told them I would let them know if there were any issues and ................well you can guess the rest of the bullshit! the wife was on her way so I sat next to the duck pool and watched the windmills, normality was returning, well my kind of normality, the wife and grand kids turned up and it did bring some light into this black heart of mine, just don't tell them that! we chatted all the way home and they dropped me off I ran into our house as I was starving, but upon looking at something to eat I realised I really had lost my hunger, I had some massive decisions to make, many I already have made, but it was a sobering thought that if I don't get my finger out I might not be here in five years time!  

I completed the depression chart and no surprise it was off the fucking chart, I know I'm depressed, I also know I'm a thousand times better than I was this time last year, so give me some credit please, I need to take small steps with this, no big dramatic changes, I know I can do this, I just have to manage this sensibly, something I'm not always good at, I now know that a lot of my issues stem from my diabetes, it doesn't make me happy but at least I now have all the answers to my questions,I just need to get some solutions , CBT is something that I will have to try again, my last course of treatment did open lots of cans of worms, but I had been sent there for one thing, and time ran out I had to let some other poor soul be treated, how to grasp that particular nettle will have to treated delicately. I have many cunning plans and I will be keeping everyone up to date with my progress because the clamouring from you the readership has been to be honest quite touching, maybe I'm like one of the fungi I was told about, I do grow on some people.

Now all I can do as always is put my best foot forward, yes my condition is one of my own making, no excuses it's time to be a good boy and point this boat towards calmer waters, my reward for doing good is for me to be here longer than the five year diagnosis, I think I will give you (the reader) a rest as four blogs in such a short period of time can be draining although I wont be far, I will be keeping an eye on the numbers, so thanks for the kindness that has been expressed, keep watching the skies until the next time Toodles!

Under the blade

I was introduced to the glory and majesty of Twisted F****** Sister not by a secret hand shake or even by Big G but by a girl ............I know I was shocked myself, I won't name her as she was a shy retiring type! I knew the name having read the Garry Bushell interview and I was aware that they were actually recording with the notorious Pete Way, I know this because it was all over Sounds and Kerrang my preferred music reading.

The girl in question claimed that she was into rock music but I believe she just liked the types that frequented those types of bands you know the types long hair bad boys..............damn I used to be one of those, mind you I'm not sure of the bad boy bit, more like damaged goods!

Anyway as always I tried to help out and do my bit to educate this young lady, she soon kept my Diamond Head "Borrowed Time" LP (oh those were the days walking around with JG Windows album bags trying to look mysterious) the relationship was always up in the air primarily because I was a dumb ass and usually pissed as a fart as I hadn't been long out of the army and my last instruction was to forget all about it, I wasn't very successful but I did try my very hardest, now what has this got to do with Twisted Sister, well a certain LP got damaged (GRRRR) and as an apology the Twisted Sister EP was the peace offering, and I have to admit to enjoying it!

Now me and my friends from Durham used to go to the recording of the Tube (a now defunct music programme) that was recorded live on a Friday night in Newcastle, we got in most times but on the night of the hard rock special not all of us did, it was a very distracted kind of day I got to the town early and I will be totally honest I was absolutely hammered at 11.00 in the morning, the days was going to be a long one we were going to try and see Twisted Sister but eventually most of my friends knew that I was in a bit of a state my girlfriend finished with me and got back on the bus because and I quote her directly "pig" that was the end of that well sort of, on and off she tried very unsuccessfully to make me incredibly jealous, it simply wasn't going to happen not when I so far into a bottle!

The day progressed badly, and it wasn't just me we all got hammered its just I was hammered early in the day, a couple of us made it into the studio but if I'm honest I have no recollection of the day other than saying to Lemmy "I'm glad you have a decent guitarist now" boy was I proven wrong on that one! anyway Twisted Sister were quite good, I have seen the footage many times but I have no recollection, I only remember the Lemmy story because so many people used to remind me about it ( I have all of your names and I know where you all live) so when tickets were announced for the Mayfair I was a good boy and stayed off the drink for a night and got one, dressed in my finest Ted Nugent T shirt (OK it was my brothers but I wont tell if you wont) and skin tight (yes I was really skinny at the time) red canvas pants, I still maintain I met my wife for the first time that night but the years and an alcohol impaired memory we both cannot confirm this!

A Lack lustre support band (Infidel if my memory serves me correctly) but the headline act were awesome I had seen the future and it was Rock and Roll! however I still hadn't managed to start earning money, I was working where ever I could and the usually pissing it into the wind, but by the time the Stay Hungry tour was announced I gladly bought a ticket for my hometown gig and blagged a ticket for the London show! a bus trip had been organised to leave from the Braes and I pulled into Gimpsville about three hours before we all had to meet up, what I should have done is stayed in Newcastle and got a hotel room, but no I was intending to see my beloved family, wrong I was back five minutes when I was dragged at gun point (OK it might have been a bottle of pernod) to the local park and then we end up at our pick up point several pints of Snake bite later and all kind of shenanigans were happening including me climbing into the ceiling of the pub as a dare and then getting stuck when the coach turned up!

The coach driver warned me as I got on about any funny business, "my dear sir I am in no way shape or form going to be able to do any funny business for at least an hour" he nearly threw me off there and then thankfully, Martin was able to talk him into letting me on and I soon fell asleep towards the rear of the vehicle I awoke as we pulled up to the traffic lights at Malbourgh Crescent bus station as a few people jumped off so they could for a few beers before the band started, I all of a sudden had an urge to go to the toilet so I opened the emergency door and hopped out as the bus pulled away, I waved at my friends as they watched in horror as I lurched down stairs (there was a set of old fashioned toilets there) I did my business and came up the opposite set of stairs and then my mind was blank, I was pissed in Newcastle and had no idea where the hell I was going, well I did but I couldn't remember how to get there, Thankfully two girls who actually knew me from previously mentioned girlfriend found me and escorted me to the venue, many months later when I was more sober they claimed that they had never seen anyone so drunk in their lives (hahahahaha they just didn't know the rest of my friends) I thought I was being an extremely courteous gentleman, it would appear I was being an extremely polite dick, ah well at least I was polite!

I arrived at the venue and then promptly fell down the stairs of the same bloody venue and if anybody was to know the venue trust me they were steep I landed at the feet of the feet of all my friends who were over the moon to see me, and then the night got serious, Lita Ford was the support act and I thought she was bloody great now at this point I stopped drinking as I wanted to see the bands I got a great vantage point up in the balcony and I was drinking water by the bucket full, the heat in the place was unbelievable and even then I knew that the place was way over crowded, again another astounding gig from the headliners, full of energy and still in my top ten of gigs, at the end we collected everybody and I was the responsible adult and helped everybody including a few waifs and strays, the bus driver eyed me suspiciously but like I said I was the responsible adult I even chatted with him up front and took the collection, a great night was had by all including me.

I awoke with the smell of a cooked breakfast and I devoured it, I had a quick bath thanked my mum and then headed back to the big smoke awaiting for Twisted Sister to hit the capitol, it was all arranged we were going to have a glorious day, we met up for breakfast and then headed to the pub the day then slide all out of control, I never did get to see the gig it would appear that at some point I took offence at something that was said in my direction and in a massive strop I fucked off, in my defence (or not as the case may be) I was totally off my face by two o'clock in the afternoon so no wonder I was stroppy, I have little recollection at all of the day, except I remember I awoke on a night bus travelling around London at some silly time in the morning going god knows where and that it cost me £15 to get back to Croydon in the early hours, and yes I had the biggest hangover of my life, when I crawled out of my pit I gave myself the biggest talking to that I could and although I didn't quite curtail my drinking (I had about another two years worth to go) I did limit myself to beer, nothing mixed and never more than six pints, and I got back into running and exercise (oh I remember those days) I never got to see Twisted ever again probably just as well it would just taint the memory of two perfect gigs damn it those were the days.

So there you go blog number three in six days and number four will be published tomorrow night, it might not be the frivolous type that I have done lately but I do intend it to be the last serious one for a while I intend the following ones to be typed in the style of early Van Halen.................party time oh yeah! so be careful what you wish for, and keep liking and sharing the disease must be further pollinated watch the skies until then.........................Toodles!

An explosion of stars

No I couldn't believe it myself, a second blog so soon, I did promise and I like to thing that I'm a person who keeps his word, although this could soon spin off into the world of ramblings (like I normally do) as I haven't actually got anything written, I'm just heading off in a stream of consciousness (damn I spelt that right without the use of spell check). I'm going to give you a heads up of what's coming hopefully down the line........are we sitting comfortably, then lets begin!

I never know when or where a blog is going to erupt, that's why I usually have a little black book secreted about my body to write  down a random thought (as E knows to her cost) or to expand a riff that has been going on for a couple of days, now I have tons of these, some of them probably could get me committed in a non violent kind of way, some of them are deep dark thoughts that thankfully once spewed onto paper they get tossed in the bin and my mood lightens considerably, some of it is purely piffle I have a book full of titles that sometimes get me started (as this one has) I then mutate it into a song title (usually something that I'm playing at the time) to do the name game I'm not going to on this one so that the usual offenders don't have to Google obscure song titles.......tee hee!

The last blog is still doing well but numbers have started to dwindle and I have a couple already maturing just nicely, I didn't have a good day today (thankfully I'm in abetter frame of mind already so I will keep that for another day although I did sit all the way through taking notes) I came home and made tea for everybody and felt refreshed because of it, me and the wife did a couple of small chores, then I thought I would have a go at this.

My mind does go off like a firework sometimes, sometimes I have so many ideas I can't write quick enough, it used to be the same when I was writing songs, those days are few and far between nowadays, but I will admit I love to write, this is my hobby, I have decided, however not all of the writing gets published I have been working on the inner workings of my great novel for over twenty years now and basically I have a plot and a shit load of character back stories, damn I'm nearly as slow as Mr Martin the writer of a Game Of Thrones, but I haven't started on that tricky first chapter just yet, however I do intend to start by Christmas..............Allegedly!

I picked up a note book to take with me today and as it happens there was a number of life jackets inside, as I discovered a number of outlines for blogs (including this one). ideas that I wrote brief descriptions before they faded like snowflakes on a winters day, a snow flake probably lasts longer! flicking through the pages it brought a smile to my lips as I noticed a number of them with song titles already picked to go with them, some of them already published including The Dawn Patrol and Just For The Record that in note form bear no resemblance to the actual final drafts, this blog in itself is totally off the cuff not reworked and polished like the other ones (does it show) the others can be written and then rewritten up to six times with stuff added or even taken away, I will admit to being a control freak about the written word, I have already wiped large blogs from my notes and started afresh and on more than one occasion deleted blogs that were about to be published some of them in excess of 5000 words, those were the black days lets hope I have left those days way back in the dirt!

Some of the others are about Twisted Sister Gigs (oh dear) Identity Theft (something I was researching for an American newspaper before my redneck infestation of the previous site) Nights in the Mayfair (Newcastle's premier rock club hahahahaha well at least some people thought so) Old Friends (where they have faded off to, people who you think will be with you until your dying day) I have a fantastic one about sleep, I have about six pages of ideas (I don't even remember writing these notes, was I asleep at the time? lol) some other music related ideas mainly of a historical nature and as I typed that another one popped into my head (cue much scribbling)  so that should keep Mr Robinson happy (broadsword calling Danny boy broadsword calling Danny boy) now I would say that the bulk of these are humorous, happy and just a little mad, I suppose you deserve a few happy ones after all the shite I have written of late!

And that's this one done and dusted and I feel totally happy to let this one float on the river of life that we call the internet, I told you there would be a few short one coming your way and again as the numbers dwindle, I will endeavour to fill the void I always try to do one a week so that's 52 in the course of the year with only 16 so far this year its time to pick up the pace, so some of you may regret hat you wished for, some of you might actually enjoy them, keep spreading the word, click like, share whatever you have to do I am a media whore didn't you lot realise that, I'm sure you all did until the next time watch the skies ........................Toodles!