Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Hang on in there

Like all well laid plans, mine for the holidays turned to rat shit pretty much straight away, a long weekend before the start of the holiday wasn't the best start, but I thought I would soldier on, my therapy had finished earlier in the week and I was feeling so damn good, yes you all know I was about to crash and burn!

The weekend dragged and I had a cunning exit strategy, which as always involved the wife,  that was the beginning of the end, the wife being on a different time line as to the rest of the world I was soon spiralling out on control like the Red Baron in a dog fight, I just wanted to get the hell out of dodge and It wasn't happening quickly enough for me! the day soon dissolved  into misery (not for me but for others and I felt sorry for them) the wife did a good deed and I was left alone with the youngest, which was a good thing and was  nice to have some quality (hahahahaha)father /daughter time.....so to speak!

 Monday wasn't going to be the best and as it happens it wasn't, the world and a dog conspired against us and I barely saw the wife, I didn't feel as though I was on solid rock more like sinking sand, I had technology issues (as well as just a little mental anguish) I wanted resolving, but with me being a luddite I needed my IT department at my side (yes that's right my wife), Monday soon disappeared and we decided to do it after an early start for Tuesday!

Tuesday I was up with the larks and I was off to the quacks for my liver result, I wasn't in the best frame of mood but I was trying I even decided to go by myself, big mistake my appointment was twenty minutes late, and when I did get in, I felt as though I was wasting the good Dr's time as he showed zero interest, trying to remain calm and still feel good I headed home knowing that technology was the order of the day, it was then that the world went tilt and I began feeling sorry for myself (that's why I needed the wife) now to be honest it should have been as simple as 1,2,3! but it wasn't, the wife had to put up with mood swings, temper tantrums and Mr Unhappy all at the same time, I wasn't the best and I admit to sitting staring at the four walls not wanting to do anything or be involved at one point the lap top was going to go in the bin and that was going to be the end of me online.

Thankfully the wife saved the day and late at night she salvaged not only my computer but my sanity with it, I chilled just a little before we headed up the wooden hill once to strap me into that infernal machine that helps breath on a night time, I would still like to know how and why I pull it off my face every night? this morning arrived and it was sunny, cunning plans and a little mischief means I can ignore the chest pains that the Dr was so dismissive of, I have a book to finish today and to hopefully get published tomorrow, me stressed already hell no, well maybe just a little ok so lots but you know me I will just through another temper tantrum and be stroppy for the rest of the day.......ho hum!

As for the rest of my holiday well to be honest it doesn't feel like a holiday it just feels like I'm sat here waiting to crack on and go back to work (fingers crossed for that lottery win) but in reality life used to be so much worse so I think I will hang on in there as the title suggests and try and live a little,  I know I have kept a very low profile of late well blame me and my issues hopefully soon I will be putting my best foot forward and trying to crack on...until then Toodles!
 

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Darker Days

Today in reality didn't even stand a cat in hells chance, Robin Williams died today and as always the world decided to have it's say, thankfully most of the comments were of the positive kind, as positive as you can when somebody suffering from depression takes their own life. It's never easy for the family but everyone still doesn't give a fuck, as always the world keeps turning.

I'm doing a week of early shifts so my writing like my moods have been sporadic, too much going on to concentrate on one thing and work being well.......work! (cack) yesterday had been a good(ish) day and an early night meant I was like a drunk puppy when I awoke at stupid o'clock and my wife told me the news about Robin Williams, I'm not going to say I was a huge fan (I could take or leave most of his stuff) I liked what I liked and what I didn't I soon forgot about, what I did find refreshing was his honest approach to his issues, drink, drugs and depression, tomorrow is my last appointment with my therapist, she is of the opinion that she cannot do anything else for me, it's time for me to move on, has it helped? without a doubt! do I think I'm cured? fuck no!

I have been suffering from my little condition for in excess of thirty two years, thankfully my wife and family and friends have helped through some crap times and have hopefully enjoyed the few good times that has been along the road, I know I have been a pain sometimes and I know I will be again hopefully less than intended, depression is an insidious bed fellow and kicks you when you least expect it, it bullies you when you can least fight it, I know a lot of people out there are suffering, no not just me, it's not about me, take a good long hard look at the person you are closest to! they say one in four  people suffer from depression, at various times I'm in charge of 180 people at work do the math that's a lot of unhappy people, it's not all sweetness and light and it's not all self inflicted, some people have some serious problems that are not easily resolved, some inevitably take the wrong route and go down the path that can not be walked again, thankfully in all of my darkest days I have steered clear of it, please give some time to those who did.

I wanted (see I'm being selfish today) this week just to slide, I want tomorrow to come and go as quickly as possible, I want my therapy to end and I want to stand on my own two feet and see if I can ride the bike of life without my stabilisers on, no matter happens I don't intend to give up without a fight, what ever happens just remember everybody needs H.O.P.E - Hold On Pain Ends, until the next happier time.......Toodles

And if you are in the mood for some subtle Robin Williams look out for a little film called The Secret Agent, he's not credited it's a Bob Hoskins film but he steals the film for me and what and end to a film, enjoy and remember live life like you stole it, as you only get one chance, this isn't a dress rehearsal!

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Random thoughts on a warm sunny day!

And again I get deviated from what I intended to do (oooh a butterfly) and the last blog randomly generated did good numbers and got some great responses so that lifted my tired spirits, I had intended to blog again the next day but with good numbers I didn't want to dilute the good will, so I went off in search of inspiration, started a number of ideas and here are more than a week later with me going D'OH!

Positivity has returned in most aspects of my life except work but with a light at the end of that particular tunnel with regards that particular problem, I will keep trying to do my best, I have a hell of a blog gestating so watch this space! for a lot of these last few days I have been travelling on a plague carrier more than normal, and with only one bout of sleepy time I have been generally been writing down tons of random thoughts, these will be randomly dispensed throughout this blog.

"I wonder if the infra red beam used to trigger taps and toilets might cause cancer?"

Therapy has been a bit of a nuisance (in a good way), I'm sure it's meant to be, but it's focusing on me in this present time, so I'm not really enjoying  that but you will discover that when the new book arrives (very soon boys and girls very soon) it's something I am putting more and more work into at the moment, soon the polishing begins then I will have to work out all over again how to publish the bloody thing!

"I might just set up a walks with broken hoop twitter account just to be controversial"

I have done this and although I have posted some good stuff I have but one person following me (thanks Mr Harrison) so go find me I know I have the potential to hit double figures so do the deed or I might go on a down wards spiral ......NOT! it's for fun and for random crap that wouldn't/couldn't make it into a blog normally.

"damn I just realised that most modern technology laughs at me!"

My mind is generally busy in totally random ways and usually I use it not to dwell on my many thousands of issues.....well maybe not thousands, just crap all  the time and I believe this is why I get bogged down in my book projects (I have about 11 on the go which truthfully if I don't pull  my finger out and concentrate will never come to fruition) what starts off in a good vibe usually gets dragged to the dark side and gets the fuck kicked out of it by my neurosis, hopefully when my therapy ends I might revisit and salvage some of the better material.

"I might write a children's book but then again I might just dye my hair blonde.....again"

My mind rarely stays in one place and sometimes I have great ideas and very rarely do I have some thing to write all of these down, normally  I could just be looking out of the plague carriers window trying to avoid/annoy the incoming passengers but something will set the juices flowing (oh look a butterfly) and I insist that I will remember long enough to get it onto paper, but normally when I do put pen to paper it has dried up and died as its been too long since it received sustenance.

"Ah just fuck off and die!"

Thankfully of late my mind has not been full of blackness just tons of shit that I really do need to sort through, put it in some form of order so that my life does not get bogged down by crap (like it normally does) interacting with some  of you peeps also helps and that's why I intend to climb back on the rocking horse and blog more, the book and treatment has been sucking me dry so to speak and always I'm concerned of muddying the waters if I put too much stuff out there so I have to find that balance all over again!

"Custard cream or Hobnob?".....................As if!

I intend to avoid getting my life in a rut and the that is what I am trying to concentrate on, as I head to wards oblivion, OK so I'm nearly fifty I realised that the last few years I have ground to a bloody halt. it hasn't helped but the only person who can deal with it is me, thankfully helpful people (you know who you are) have nudged my boat out into  the eddy's of a stronger current so that this boat can be lifted off the sand banks that I have endured off late.

"Bus seat bingo or shall I be boring today?"

I will to admit to missing my friends, not just the ones I have now, but the ones I used to have and although I wish for good times again with this little band of people I know deep down that the world has moved on, it appears we didn't need each other anymore and we moved on (did they or do  they miss me as I have missed them?), they all know where  I live but they never visited, although some would say I knew where they live but didn't do it either, what with my issues and the state police watching my every move ( I will get tons of shit for that last remark) it has never happened and this is partly as to why my little black cloud moved in and didn't pay it's fair share of the rent! I occasionally bump into people from school, peeps who I was friendly with and they re introduce themselves into my life for just a short period of time and they are more than welcome, I don't think I was that memorable or even that popular as a child (yes I did have friends but not a lot of them) and don't really want to suffer any rejection to confirm that particular statement so as always I keep a low profile, a lot of people never believe it but I am and have always been very shy!

"mmm rain"

The good weather is not helping me believe it or not I don't mind good weather but my eyes do, I always walk around like a bloody china man (no racism intended) but also  the fact that I am a fat person the heat just wipes me out, and lets be honest there's a lot of us fat people and when you get on the a plague carrier it smells of cooking pork.......go figure! 

"oooh a butterfly"

My mind sometimes just goes around and around in circles it's not always a good thing and at times it is way too easily distracted, I need to find a hobby and sooner rather than later, lots of people say I have a great hobby (writing) but to be honest if I didn't blog I probably would be certified I really do need to get out of the house more and not just for work.

"bored again maybe I should blog!"

Blogging is great but I need to rediscover the person who didn't give a shit, and I would go where ever when ever, nowadays a trip to a hospital by myself is an exciting adventure for this boy blunder what ever happened to the guy who wake up and go fuck it I'm off to...........wherever !

"oh a piece of candy"

Blogging although exercises the mind doesn't help the fat boy blunder typing away here, its the world I need not sat indoors typing all day every day, my long list of small chores is testament to that. it's not just for me that I want do better generally in life it's also for my family, wife, kids and grand kids, I'm sure you get the picture there is no real reason why I should be Mr Grumpy all of the time!

" maybe I should just quit blogging"

I actually tried it, and I wasn't happy for the longest time, so for now I shall keep plugging away, go find me on twitter, go look a the web site I set up and ruined in the same day, go buy some books you tightwads and most of all press like on whichever social network you use spread the disease, the stronger we get the better (hopefully t will get0 until next time, which hopefully will be sooner than you think, enjoy your time with family and friends keep watching the sky for incoming .....Toodles!
 

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Innocent Victim

It's been a while since I have done a historical blog, and I usually do what I want to, but with an abundance of material floating in my head what the hell, this one will  be a bloody good one.............I hope!

June 8th  1982 I was in St Austell in a crappy studio called Delgado, actually it wasn't even a studio it was a rehearsal studio with an eight track desk, I was working with a band called Indian Summer demoing stuff, basically rock guys who had missed the boat and were trying to grab the coat tails of any fad going, they weren't bad just a tad directionless every song was a different style and not in a good way, they were all competent musicians, and they had a singer called Frank who was funny because you could tell he just wanted to screech his tits off and he wasn't happy writing pap! that's why I got a call because at times pap was what I wrote for a living.

I had four days at £60 a day I wasn't bothered if anything was written, I still got paid plus per diems so I was happy, as it happens we worked on eight originals and one new one which Frank liked but we kept getting distracted, the first three days were just rewrites, funk, rock and pop stuff all pretty listless, I understood Frank's disillusionment, it was good work they tried bless them, but it wasn't terribly inspired, they had wandered down a track and were lost they were looking for a crossroads to sell their collective souls, unfortunately for them they had missed it, we worked through the day and on a night time we went for drinks and like I said they were ok, I had the distinct impression the keyboard player didn't like me, simply because of the way I dissected their songs, there wasn't much for me to do, I was on a set fee so I didn't get credit and I wouldn't make any money if it took off, it was  the work that was paying the bills and I quite enjoyed it..

On  the last day me and Frank worked on the new track it had a dance vibe and it went ok, Frank wrote the bulk of it and I came up with the catchy bit (the chorus) I didn't want to hang around as I had a train to catch from St Austell back home as I was on the guest list for Uriah Heep in my hometown and in those days it was a twelve hour train journey (with way too many stops) the journey was way too tedious fighting squaddies, and at Birmingham the salvation Army got on, now that was surreal. I got into my hometown at just after seven in the evening thankfully met by a friend who had a car parked up so I could throw my bag into the back of it, we jumped into a few bars on the way, I then had to do  the walk of shame, saying my name for my pass ...........erm your not on mate! feck tell them the correct spelling ...ah yes here you go ...praise the lord.

Once downstairs into the Mayfair we met up with more peeps and enjoyed the gig, more drink silly dancing and a great band. at silly o'clock in the morning we all got thrown out of the venue not before chatting to the band especially Pete Goalby who was fab and offered me some great advice (which was good because I wrote some stuff with him a few years later) we left and five of us headed to the car we were driving up to Edinburgh for a mates gig the next night (the driver) as I was shattered I opted to jump into the luggage space at the back (it was a range rover) so I could sleep the sleep of the dead, I was asleep before we pulled away, as it happens   it was the best thing I ever did because as we drove past the central station a Pakistani gentleman driving a VW camper van shot out of the parking area and rammed us in the rear at full speed, well the upshot was everybody in the car suffered some kind of injury and I didn't, I was roiled over the top of the roof and awoke on the dash board wondering what the hell had happened, once the police had turned we all got breathalysed and I was the only one with drink in me it was funny mind I was stinking like a brewery, it was funny as the Pakistani man made a break for it (as he was pissed) and he was rugby tackled by a police woman the size of a small car and it was even funnier as she dragged him back to the scene of the crime by his ankle!

We all ended up at a friends and ended up on the train to Edinburgh the next day...........I think, hells bells it was over thirty two years ago! what has all this got to do with the price of custard creams I hear several people bellowing, well this morning I came across a track on YouTube.......by a band called Indian Summer doing a song called just like lovers and it wasn't that bad, Frank wasn't the singer they had found someone who could sing poppy stuff and not pretend to be Ian Gillan (although he did have a horrific haircut and suit on) it was live on French TV but it was ok, it probably sold three copies or something and I probably made more than the entire band as I took a fee hahahahaha oh the good old days ......and no I don't miss them (well apart from being skinny) until the next time Toodles!

Sunday, 13 July 2014

F.O.A.D!

It's all been going swimmingly, for me anyways so at some point  it has to go pear-shaped, so before it does, I feel the need to reach out to the world as a whole and to apologise, anyway read on I'm sure you will get the drift of it.

Over the years I have taken the time to read and review some of the comments that I have received thanks to the continuing support of my blog, at times it seems that sometimes I seem to strike a nerve or two (or so the FBI said),so I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to any person (living or dead)animal or alien (from another planet) who have at anytime been offended or upset by any or even all of my blogs (as if) it would appear I need to let you all know that was (erm......) never my intention, my quirky little take on what was happening within my orbit was just that a quirky view, as always each blog has spewed forth from a disturbed mind to a biro on to paper then transferred and fiddled with (and not in a bad way) onto an electronic device then let loose to roam the world, from the primordial sludge called my mind out there into the ether or as you lot know it as the World Wide web!

All of them (some successful some not)were written  in the vain hope some of you mad lot might find some humour in them (even the bleak ones)....oh dear best laid plans and all of that! if you happen to stumble upon this one (or any of the others that have been published.....and my books at blurb.com)and you come to the conclusion that I am indeed a truly horrible person, I hope you might try another one and give me a second chance, I truly believe if you took the time to get to know me there is the slimmest chance that you might just get to like me!

No ah well just Fuck Off And Die then until the next time ........Toodles!

Sunday, 6 July 2014

Food For Thought

Actually this should be called Denial as it's what I have really been in for the last few months ha-ha me with my reputation, no this won't be a doom and gloom type of blog but a truthful one ....go figure!

So low profile and I  know it's been hurting the numbers, but I'm not truly bothered for once, too many spinning plates and generally hating life (or so it seems) does not a good blog make, therapy has been on-going in a positive sense but medically the rest of me has been falling apart, oh whoa is me ....erm not! I have actually been positive for the longest time although I am hating work with a passion at the moment, I'm sure that will sort itself out when it wants to. I have been having blood tests and keep getting negative results, finally at my latest clinic visit it was confirmed  I have type 2 diabetes (me a fat bastard never) so that answers some of my questions along with sleep apnoea, and a faulty liver, lets be honest here I have been in denial for far too long, none of them sinister but add them altogether a resounding ten on the shit factor and the reason why I have been feeling like hammered shite for so long.

The only major issue is I need to get a scan for my liver and three weeks in I still haven't been able to get to see a Dr, not a complaint at the Dr's or the staff just the way that they schedule appointments not really any good if you actually work for a living, I'm sure we will get it sorted it will just be later than anticipated, my sleep apnoea well third day in, although it feels weird I feel refreshed so far , lets see what the coming weeks bring for that, its the diabetes that has me second guessing myself, again waiting for people to make appointments a lottery win would come in handy as I can't really afford to be a dole Waller to have the time to do what I want whenever I want it (damn I do sound like a daily mail reader don't I) any way best foot forward, lets take each day as it comes.

The rest of my life actually pales into insignificance at the moment I'm aware it's not the end of the world but the fact that I'm sick of being poorly isn't helping and I would rather (as would everybody else who knows me) have a positive outlook on life if I can,. so blogging is a positive thing so I have been told so therefore I intend to do what I can on  more regular basis, I don't want to hear from anybody saying they weren't warned, time to climb back on the horse.

The book is gathering speed and hopefully has a positive vibe, although I might have to rejig the first part and try and lighten the mood as it is full of piss and vinegar, hey what do you expect I was depressed............notice how I said I was! and that's it for today short and sweet (just like me) but the climb has been started the hill is being conquered so watch this space, I'm still saying prayers for G & E they still need all the goodwill in the world and I don't want anybody to forget them E is making slow progress and G is holding a steady course although suffering heavy weather that at times could swamp his ship, good vibes please peeps for two of the nicest people out there, play nice and watch the skies my intention is too catch up so until then .........Toodles!

Saturday, 21 June 2014

Crazy

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
 groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
 the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
 One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
 not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
 but one of them, what do you call it?

 If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
 vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
 English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
 insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
 recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
 feet that smell?

 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
 the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to
 marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn
 up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

 English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
 lights are out, they are invisible.

 PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
 You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

 There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
 two-letter word, and that is "UP."

 It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
 list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a
 meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
 officers UP for election and why is it UP to the
 secretary to write UP a report ?

 We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
 the silver; warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP
 the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little
 word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for
 tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one
 thing but to be dressed UP is special.

 And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
 stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
 night.
 We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the
 proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
 dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a
 list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time,
 but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When
 it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out
 we say it is clearing UP.

 When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

 When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

 We could go on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so... Time
 to shut UP.!

can't you tell i'm stuck in the house and bored i should have called this note the work of idle hands .....can i go to work now?