Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Silence amongst the static

This has been the longest darkest week of our lives, thankfully it begins to drew to a close tonight, huge amounts of damage have been done, however with the love of good friends we appear to have arrived at the other side battered but not bowed.

We lost a beloved member of the family this week and at such a young age, none of us were prepared for the despair that followed in its wake, the loss is terrible and although I have to admit to being a cold fish, I’m destroyed for the loss, I’m destroyed for the wife as I seem to be able to do little to console her although I won’t give up trying! Thankfully he is now at rest, not suffering anymore after that horrible disease claimed him way too early in his life, thankfully that “C” word meant nothing to him, it did nothing to shrink his happy go lucky demeanour.

There been a family fallout earlier in the illness, something which could have been avoided, but that’s not what the blog is about, it’s something that should have been avoided, it didn’t help either side, both sides suffered, us from not having as much access and the other side not being able to take up our offers of support, we bimbled on as best we could with short outbursts of emotion, totally debilitating  the wife when it hit, but she is made of sterner stuff and soon got back on the horse and rode on.

I attempted to bury myself at work, it worked to a degree but I was always easily distracted, the bear was not available for any meetings I hid more than I did work, my boss and work mates were fantastic, I honestly probably would have slid back into the dark old ways if not for them, I’m sure they weren’t aware, but they really did save the day for me. Music has as always been a constant, helping my many moods, especially when I didn’t want to connect to the outside world, which was often if I’m being honest, we got to see the little man one last time and he directed us to where we had to stand, the happiest point (for me) of the last few months, we had been told not expect much but as soon as he saw the wife he sat up happy over the moon to see her even the morphine couldn’t rob him of that happy moment in time, that will live with me for the rest of my natural life!

We were going to see him the following week but it wasn’t to be he slipped away, but we were there within five minutes and the wife got to hold him one last time, he really did love her, he loved being cuddled by her. Then our world tilted and ground to a halt and we had to try and keep it together for the sake of our own sanity, I was fine until I had to phone my boss and then I blubbed like a girl, work again was fantastic and I rallied all of the defences to come to the wife’s aid, it was agreed that the Hurricane would stay with us over the coming weekend, I’m not going say why I think it happened this isn’t the forum for that, we were just thankful to have that little bundle of dynamite over the threshold once more.

The week passed and we did what we were supposed to, we grieved, even me, we had arranged for the youngest daughter to come home and for once the house would filled with joyous noise, the Hurricane arrived and he was so excited to be here within a minute of being here he launched himself to the bottom of the stairs, stopping all of our hearts at once, I honestly thought he had broken his neck, thankfully he sat and grinned then realised he needed to cry for some sympathy and sweets, crocodile tears flowed for all of about 12 seconds and then he took off like a hurricane through the house, which he demolished and rebuilt over the course of the weekend several times, shouting at the top of his lungs his favourite word of the moment ”POOP” we soon cured him of that, every time he said his favourite word aunty kissed him, yup a typical little boy he stopped almost straight away. We did our usual yomp around Gimpsville, well he went on his scooter and I limped behind! More cards and flowers arrived and again I was doing really well until a card arrived from work with lots of people’s condolences “damn I sprung another leak” thankfully my defences were built tall and strong it was just the odd freak wave that got me from time to time.

The weekend finished quicker than I thought and soon he was heading home, the wife and the youngest had arranged a night out with friends to cheer themselves, me I sat in the house in the dark, I enjoyed it and not in a bad way, it just gave me time to think good thoughts, which was strange! Monday a last day to sort out things for the coming day, and we soon headed to our pits awaiting that dreaded day, Morning soon came back over the hill and I was up and making breakfast just like any other day, no matter what happens the world never stops turning. It started to rain, was this the littles man way of saying he was happy, I’m not sure, but he was ever present at the forefront of my brain for the rest of the day, I busied myself with cleaning shoes so that we could look nice and clean for inspection, the rest of the day went by in a blur and we were soon heading home and thankfully the wife didn’t turn into the Kraken, it was close but not close enough.

We got home and again we said we would look after the Hurricane, once again straight away he is into the sweets (we have taught him well) and the little blighter has only swallowed a bloody cola cube damn he is putting us through the hoops, crisis averted the youngest heads back to Uni, I sit here and my heart breaks as he looks at me and tells me he misses his brother, nobody should have to go through this at his age. Now we have to pick ourselves up and get on with our lives, they won’t go on as before, but we will do our best.

The blogs will hopefully now be able to try and return to some kind of normalcy, can’t promise but I will try, thank you to everybody in my life who have helped us over the last few months, I know thank you might not seem a lot but it’s all I have left, so once again thank you from the heart of my bottom (well I did say I was trying to return things to an even keel) so watch the skies there will another one along soon so until then Toodles!

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

I Am A Wildebeest!

Honestly I thought I was a rather “large” person until I saw Vince Neil on stage last night in Newcastle, again as always I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s pretend you are Tommy Lee strap yourself in, it could turn into a bumpy ride!

The night didn’t start out well with a large number of texts between me and the wife regarding conversations that we had had with each other in the run up to the gig:

No I don’t want my Jeans

The camera is on the video cabinet

Will you be on time??????????????? Yep you know she wasn’t!

Now if she had only listened the first time around…………………what am I thinking why on earth would she listen to me for!

A very busy day had me crippled (dodgy knees will do that to you) so my mood wasn’t the best, when she claimed that she was going to be at least another forty minutes (GRRRR) I did what I do best and I waited. She finally turned and thankfully we weren’t too off with each other (well for us) so we soldiered on as we do, and got parked up in our desired location I jumped out and stripped off (down girls down)  into my “gig” clothes (t-shirt and hoody- woo hoo) we then made contact with SMOR who was in the town with his good lady, so we said we aren’t far from where you are we will wait for you and meet up, well we waited and waited and waited it turns out SMOR had lost his sense of direction (WTF) once we finally  located him we ensconced ourselves on the ground floor  at the mile castle as SMOR had been to his regular ballet lesson and put his back out. Captain Bluebeard played a flying visit with his lovely lady and the night looked like it was going to be a good one.

Food consumed, we galloped (yeah right with his back and my knees) to the venue I told SMOR he couldn’t get lost he just had to follow the tribes of freaks heading towards the venue. Soon we were chatting and waving at lots of people who we knew (alright 95% of them knew the wife and thought I was just tagging along as a carer) and we chuckled as we watched SMOR climb the stairs to the venue one painful step at a time.

Now if you are a regular reader of the blog you know I won’t do a song by song account of the gig, I will give you the juicy bits, first the night was almost ruined because me and the wife couldn’t catch a battery falling through the air the same speed as an African sparrow, this really was a game changer and to think that we were about to go to war over a battery sums up our night (stop buying shite battery’s) thankfully the crisis was soon averted when we finally discovered it in the changeover, Alice Cooper was as always great, he had 50 minutes and he pulled out (most of) the stops, he always has a top notch band, although the fact that the bass player had half a sheep around his neck was just a little off putting, my only complaint was we didn’t need a drum solo a bass solo and a whammy bar exercise, we come to see Alice not the band, and yes in a two hour show he might need a breather but in 50 minutes (no thank you) how about another song? if you ever get the chance go and see him it’s well worth it.

The changeover was well coordinated but it looked like chaos at times, we then settled down for the main event, now I will admit to not being a fan, I like John Corabi and I would have preferred to have seen him, I have blogged about the band before (back in the mists of time in a blog entitled “A wet and soggy muff” don’t ask) to be honest when the stage was finally all sorted I was surprised and it was a pleasant surprise, it turned out to be a great show (the sound wasn’t fantastic where we were) but a full blown rock extravaganza, a drummer on a roller coaster and enough explosions to send someone with PTSD back to the beaches of Normandy!   Although I am positive that when he started singing “Anarchy in the UK” the opening line that he sang was “I am a Wildebeest” boy he certainly looked like one as well, I get why people like the band, and shock horror the singer even sang (kind of) but to be honest I’m glad that I won’t have to panic that the wife will melt the credit card whenever they announce dates, a great gig with great bands with only a couple of tweaks it would have been a top ten gig. The ladies were nice not for any other reason than it annoyed the wife, she can drool over Nikki Five or whatever you call the bass player but I can’t appreciate two energetic singer’s/dancer types, there no double standards there at all is there (oh have you not met my wife) and will somebody please don’t let mick mars do another guitar solo, I could throw it down the stairs more tunefully1

Then we took our own sweet time to leave (8000 leaving at once we weren’t going anywhere quick) and bumped into tons more people (well ok the wife did, I’ve never been that popular) but we did bump into G&E which really did make my night, finally my battered knees made it to the car and we drove home in some of the thickest fog of my life, duty manager today meant I could have a lie in, erm actually no I slept in first time ever, what the hell happened there, another musical blog anybody would think life is normal, it will be if we keep bumping into all the lovely people that we did last night, until the next blog  keep watching the skies………..INCOMING ………..for now Toodles

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Angel and me

Ok lets try and do something with a positive spin for a change, with all the shit that's going on we desperately needed a win, thankfully we got one!

The wife rang me to tell me she was going to buy Glenn Hughes tickets for Newcastle I had no issue with this as I believe that the man has the voice of an angel, he has a tendency to wander off the beaten track but a simple rule of thumb if it has Mr Hughes on it I will like/love it (with the exception of his Christmas album..........really...........please lets not go there.......ok) tickets bought I went into panic mode as I soon realised that I was duty manager on that particular day, damn I was going to be popular (or travelling home alone after my shift) if I couldn't do some fancy footwork and get a swap, thankfully someone who normally isn't helpful, was, so I only had three minutes of panic, now we just had to count the days down to the big day!

Work continued in a westerly direction, I had a jolly jaunt away from home where I discovered one of my many bosses was coming to visit me at work, he turned up the day before Glenn arrived in Newcastle and his parting words on the Monday were "oh yes by the way I'm auditing you tomorrow" don't panic, I'm not prepared, deep breath, don't panic, try not to swear, I arrived at work the next day and just plunged straight in, if there was anything wrong, it would serve as an indicator that do I indeed need assistance, grrrrrr (carried on @onemandoingtheworkofsix.com) and to say it was a roller coaster would be an understatement, the first point that we took a break was eight hours later when we both realised that it was quarter to five, damn how did that happen, he seemed pleased and we reported back to my Ops Manager, the wife turned up with spiffing red hair and then promptly picked on me, I simply said it had been a long hard day and that I hadn't had anything to eat, she kicked off big style, I get where she was coming from but it was one of those days, if I had noticed the time during the day I would have drawn my boss's attention to it, he didn't eat either, so the toys were thrown out of the car and we were barely out of the car park............not a  great start ho hum!

Thankfully we both knew it was a storm in a tea cup and thankfully we were soon sat with SMOR and his good lady, munching our way through some good old fashioned Scampi, and then the shenanigans started, a few more pubs and lots and lots of familiar faces, simply the best tonic in the world although I was suffering (my knees just don't hold up as well as they used to) we ended up in the Bodega and SMOR's drink of choice wasn't available, cue much consternation thankfully crisis averted as soon as he had a pint thrust into his empty hand, A (who had been in the venue earlier on in the day) and lots more people (who in reality are the wife's friends but they are gracious enough to accept me as a Jonny come lately .....lol) who it was fantastic to see, lots of short but oh so sweet conversations, it doesn't take much to feed the soul but this was so good!

Then off to Tilley's by this time I'm bloated, Lime and Soda will do that to a man and then even more people, a few who I didn't know, some I knew a little bit and one person who I seem to think is a bigger dick every time I meet him (although I have never spoken to this individual) he might be lovely, unfortunately he just acts like a dick, or was it the fact that I'm sober these days, hey ho he moved on and was promptly forgotten about!  we headed on to the venue and then bumped into even more people and Big G, a brief conversation and G knew what the set list was going to be and he claimed  it was going to be strange, I was happy to take whatever was given, then even more people in the bar, by this time my knees were shot I needed a rest, and unfortunately I missed some people who are always gracious enough to say hello, more of my fave people and by this time I do believe I had a (happy) silly grin on my face, damn is  this what its  like to be happy (hell yeah).

Off to our seats in the circle which were perfect viewing but tiny (Victorian theatre seats) and mine was wrecked I don't think my fat ass helped (oops!) the gig was (again I'm not here to review it) good, although I did have a few niggles (me with my reputation) there were only two songs I didn't care much for one a Whitesnake song that Doug Aldrich (Glenn's current guitarist) wrote, ok I get it but there are better songs within the Doug Aldrich cannon (musical term look it up) and one Deep Purple song (mistreated) which although it was played to perfection at just under nine minutes (including Glenn's impression of a whale) we could have  had two more Glenn songs, from any point in his career (how about something off Black Sabbath's Seventh Star............oh controversial) the set list was a tad strange but I think it would have benefitted from being played in reverse, less widdly less solo's, looking at the description you might think it was a shit gig, it wasn't it was good but not a patch on the potential that it had, three really good musicians finding there feet, come back next year and it might just be "F***ING AWESOME! allegedly the sound downstairs wasn't the best but in the circle I didn't have any complaints.

Then came the obligatory meet and greet SMOR(in a nice way) being in the game wants to meet the people who he is friends with and works with, we again bumped into friends who we waited with while we waited for the gracious Mr Aldrich to turn up and take a heap of abuse from SMOR, we headed  out into the street only to be greeted by a huge wall of rain where the hell had this come from time was slipping away we had to say our fond farewells, not before cunning plans had been devised (watch this space) we drove back through the hills to Gimpsville and at some ridiculous time of night had a cup of tea and said thank you to our gracious host and his good lady!

The next morning I was up for the quarterly bloods that my life disease dictates that I must do, then off for a chest x ray as the Dr seems to think that I have a heart and not a swinging brick! back home to get ready for work but not before our cunning plan was put into place (Hotel booked for the end of January, its only a night away but I have the feeling the weekend has the potential to be fab) then off to the asylum to take charge of the inmates in what turned out to be national twat day as we were swamped with twats all over the site and it made my most hated shift into a long pain in the butt! the wife turned up to carry my weary body back to the home of our hearts (not) and then a quick rise and back to work for yet another day, thankfully one more and then nine days off to do nothing but small chores and long hours of butt scratching!

The only negative that has come out of this blog was a conversation with SMOR and for some reason that I was under the impression that the Electric boys supported 24/7spyz at Newcastle Riverside but SMOR corrected me and reminded me it was actually Stevie Salas and his Colorcode, which now leaves me scratching my head who the hell did the Electric Boys play with on that night way back in the 90's at the Riverside I'm sure somebody will remind me, I just remember being disappointed as they treated it like one big jamming session, which bored my drunk ass, I wanted to see this tight ass rock band, thankfully I saw them support Thunder at the City Hall and they were so damn good, and that brings this to a close hopefully not the misery fest that these seems to head down the road, life isn't perfect but I know I have so many good friends out there who are so damn supportive, I met a friend this morning at work who I know has been going through some rough times (much worse than me) I was happy to give him some much needed love (calm down) he is a really good guy, who hasn't got over the death of his father, hopefully I helped even if just a little, it does help if you can help somebody it costs nothing to be nice! so until the next time enjoy and spread (the blog far and wide remember to watch the skies........incoming!

Until then Toodles!  

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Just what i needed

Life as it happens always tries to drag you down the side streets of oblivion, throwing up road blocks of unhappiness, pain and misery, now our responsibility to ourselves is to try and drive over these blips in our life and enjoy what time we have on this blue pearl called planet earth, oh a dark and mysterious beginning, unfortunately anybody who knows me in the real world will know that our family life has been turned upside down, not something I intend to go into any detail here, I will at some point, just not right now, so the tray with all our teacups has been upended, but you know what I don't care and I'm certainly not going to give up!

 Blogs like seeds of happiness will be in short supply for the coming weeks, I have to admit to being devoid of any willingness to write which is a shame as numbers have picked up and some of the responses have been so damn good, I will when I can, however they might end up being like buses (either they don't turn up or you might get three in one week) I am increasingly fighting many battles on many fronts, at some point I will be worn down but I will never be defeated.

Work and health issues have been one and the same, but I have to admit to being disappointed that my get up and go has got up and fucked off (pardon the expression but it fits its purpose) and although I am putting on a brave face, I was in desperate need of some cheering up, cunning plans were many in the mix but very few were coming to fruition, the finances as always kicking us in the slats , but the wife and I thought sod it that's what the overdraft is for!

We have been missing our youngest (who has buggered off to university) not that she adds much noise to the family household, but her presence is always a positive thing, she is appearing(starring) in the latest version of Macbeth with Michael Fassbender supporting her, so we hatched a plot to go and see her at our local boutique cinema in Newcastle (the big city) to see her immortalised on the big screen, the day came and I had a real busy day at work teaching five courses in one eight hour stretch which requires me to be on my feet all of the time, I like to get people to interact with me, standing behind the podium is not for me, rather than travel back to Gimpsville I stayed at work at the end of the day and suffered in silence as I waited for the wife to arrive from the future with her amazing time machine, once picked up we arrived in a city brimming with people there to see a freak show where grown men fiddle with odd shaped balls!

We got our tickets (how much? do you not realise our daughter is the star) we had time to kill so we wandered off in search of sustenance avoiding the overfull, overpriced venues, we were on a budget here, hells bells the wife was going sneak some popcorn into the cinema (I felt like a Victorian street urchin sat with toffs once we got in there) we finally ended up at the American Embassy (McDonalds to the uninitiated) and munched our way through our really appetising meal (not) and we took a slow meander back to the venue (that's all I could manage by this time) stopping off to watch some Tonka's and blacks doing strictly come dancing (again with strange shaped balls) I do believe the Tonka's won the dance off, although we only saw the first five minutes of the game.

We then joined the wine brigade as we waited patiently for the appearance of our daughter on the big screen, and literally within the first couple of minutes there she was, bang in the middle of the screen, we very nearly jumped up like two Newcastle United supporters in the wrong section of the Stadium of shite surrounded by Orcs  (well it is in Mordor) it was all I could to keep the wife from going off like a roman candle (obscure Marillion reference) in the dark, then I drifted to the land of nod for five minutes which didn't impress the wife, at least I didn't snore (did I?) damn it had been a long day for me, but I was soon ensconced watching the fabulous scenes but being bored by the dialogue (hells bells do it in modern English so we can at least decipher what is going on) out spot out, really ah get away for fucks sake and then again in an even bigger (longer) scene there's the youngest again , proud parents your darn tooting we are, the film finished and we quite gleefully headed home to Gimpsville.

We fell into our pits a happy couple (probably with shit kicking grins on our faces) sure that the next day was going to be even better, the wife had to go to work and then head to a reunion of The Tee Hee Club, the day sort of dragged for me in the house (researching German Fire classifications what a rock n roll life I lead I hear you say) the pooch put in his cage I decided to head out for the plague carrier to meet up with the wife (please do try and keep up Plague carrier = public transport in this case a bus) and I was happy that the look of panic on staff at work  when they saw me arrive on site still warms the cockles of my heart (bless them) finally the wife finished work and we headed off on a route approved by Securicor as the wife never ever takes the same route twice, a quick pit stop for motion lotion and we soon in our old familiar haunts of South Shields to be met by the faces of E & G and KC tables dragged together and then more faces turned up (more letters of the alphabet but you should be able to work out if you have read the blog a cast of millions) A & C and much to my surprise the ninja pairing of P & G and to be honest it was a little overwhelming for me, but I was a good soldier and literally half listened and just soaked the atmosphere in (£43 for Christmas cake ingredients, do you not know how much drink you can buy with all that LOL) soon there was too many people to talk to all at once and there were many handshakes and man hugs all around, this was the best night in such a long time.

Then it went sideways (in a really good way) it went sideways thanks to alcohol (not me I'm a lime and soda boy these days) KC's lovely wife and sister and law turned up and  then for some reason we needed our ears measured, which we all gladly did, size isn't everything (LOL) then more chat and more drinks for peeps and then it was decided noses needed to measured and again we all sat and went through the process willingly, I could see where this was going (silliness third stop  after sensibility) then one of the ladies went off marauding for supplies and came back with large provisions of (borrowed/stolen = delete as you think appropriate) cold garlic bread (erm no thank you) we all were to frightened too ask by this point and unfortunately we were struggling with the broken (drunken) English responses we were getting to our questions, at this point Time stepped in and reminded us of our real life responsibilities and just as quickly as it started, the night was breaking away, melting like a snowflake in a child's hand, we said our farewells and got the hell out of dodge before anything else needed to be measured! a great night way too short and me and the wife felt so guilty because we didn't really get to go around the group as we would have liked, but it filled our (emotion) tanks with happiness what a great day after so many shit filled ones!

Then we headed back up the mountain to Gimpsville and sat and watched the google box, doing things that we normally do, before heading off to bed still happy, we were awoke earlier than we thought as the wife was asked if she would do a shift today (the curse of zero hour contracts) so all of our plans will be rammed into a short space of time tonight with me planning a lovely Sunday dinner for when she gets home, waiting for the new week to begin. and that they say is that, I am sat here feeling cheerful (well for me cheerful) especially considering I have just fought (and lost) yet another battle with technology, hey ho that's the way the cookie crumbles, so if you are a regular reader I can only apologise for the lack of consistency from me for the blogs but life is stamping on my head at the moment and me supporting my wife and family is what comes first, I take delight knowing that I have fantastic friends who know how to cheer us up, I hope you enjoyed the blog watch the skies for more to come soon ................incoming............until then Toodles! 

oh and yes the name game is in play I actually have the 7 inch single.................go figure!

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Emotional Rescue

For once this blog isn't about me, well in a way it is but only in a slight way, this blog is for my rock the person who for the last nearly 25 years has kept me on an even keel for most days, she just about dresses me, she points me in the right direction, we may fight like Al and Peg Bundy, but I love her with all of my heart, she is my light, my day, my one true constant.

I love my wife and although she might not read this blog, as she has a lot more to do than read the scribblings of her lunatic husband, I feel as though as though I don't say it enough, usually because I'm working my nuts off or I'm in a deep dark hole and she is as always hauling my ass out of the fire, well figuratively speaking, she has a lot to contend with, what with Me the Kraken and the rest of our so called family she is like a harbour wall she has bore the brunt of way too many storms, I do try to help as much emotionally as I can for her, however I always feel as though its never enough, the woman has the broadest shoulders I know, but I think I need to give her more.

I know she rarely complains, I know I wind her up most of the time (mostly unintentionally) and I know as our journey goes on she has a quiet weep from time to, as she tries to cope with the burden that the entire family puts upon her shoulders, I know I will always be at fault, I don't mind that I just want her to have some good fortune, for her to have some peace not all the heartache that seems to be poured her way of late.

I know today has not been the kindest for her, but she has picked herself and her worries up with great dignity and decided that like the world we all have to keep on moving, I love her with my whole being even after the worst fights that we could have, I still love her and I don't think I can stop telling her, my life is all the better for her being in it.

Not much of a blog I can hear you say, I  had being trying to put some distance between the last couple of blogs and go somewhere a little bit more upbeat, I know I have failed miserably, but all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me, as long as I have her by myside I know I won't fail, I know I have to repay her loving kindness, this is not designed to solicit sympathy its just a man expressing his deepest love for the woman of his dreams over the last 24 years, if you know her personally give a little bit of love, lord knows she could use some, if you don't know her say a little prayer from which ever deity you support, I know its a cliché but I love her, until the next time Toodles.

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Farcebook Twatter and Giggle!

As we all start to feel more and more disconnected from reality, as I feel more and more alone, my phone confidently connects me to the outside world and all within the blink of an eye! as the world and its inhabitants feels more and more lost their phones calmly knows how to reconnect us all with the greater points of our lives, Farcebook, Twatter and Giggle, it helps us remember who the actor was who played Cop number three, you know the one on the left of the screen the one with limp!

My/Our phone(s) smugly recalls literally everything I/We increasingly struggle to remember, how to use the Nouns, Verbs and Adjectives that once stood proud at the front of my brain (who the hell am I kidding) ready to articulate my thoughts, oh boy do I miss those days, back in the day when I wasn't a sheep and I could think for myself! my phone taunts me with all the words I have ever written, there can only be one possible conclusion, slowly but surely I have somehow outsourced my mind my consciousness  to my phone and to make matters worse the bloody thing knows it.........and just for fun its starting to fuck with me!

Several times over the course of the week I feel it vibrate (ooer missus) in my pocket, alerting me to the fact that some vital critical information has arrived, but then when I get intrigued there's fuck all there, damn and blast it machine GRRRR! No email no Farcebook notification, was the buzz in my brain? was the tingle in my pants something else? (I doubt it)  no, I know its just my phone doing what it does best, its fucking with me, and its not just mine its all of them!

They are working together in cahoots or however you wish to word it, systematically robbing us of our own independent intelligence, (at what point time did duck faces become popular? oh I know the arrival of the mobile phone camera) our humanity and we fawn over these pieces of technology and make ourselves more reliant and subservient (stupid) they have every intention of taking over , its just a matter of time that the latest IPhone or whatever popular brand will be fitted with an opposable thumb, oh yeah I can see it now, they are smart (phones) world domination starts right here right now!

I have to call the world and start to tell people that the end  is nigh.........oh great I have no bars! dear god what is happening.........................don't worry I can feel the medication kicking in drooooool.

This was written in happier times last year and I kept it in the vain hope I might find a place to post it, I'm in a good place (mentally) at the moment so I thought I would have a tinker, although it is true at what point in time did Banana, Doors, Farcebook, Twatter and Giggle ( not the real corporate names but I really don't wish to be sued for having an opinion I'm sure that you are all bright enough to work out who I mean) we are driven by technology as I sit here typing this the wife is the only one not using technology (for a change) there's usually three different bits of kit being used for three different purposes, maybe that's why the family life is so disconnected, damn here's me trying to be witty (me with my reputation) life used to be so much simpler (just like me) LOL!

The last blog went through the roof triple digits within forty eight hours, all I can say is wow and thank you, you made a depressed person so damn happy over those days, and although its still going strong I feel the need to get this one out, just to keep my feet on the ground, the weekend has been so busy and probably another blog to keep you all in the loop about what has been going on in my life, the house is going to be just that little bit more quiet come tomorrow but that will be the next blog so watch this space. again thank you for all of the love, likes, shares or whatever it you lot did to spread the disease until then watch the skies................Toodles!

Sunday, 13 September 2015

Sometimes i feel so low

Sorry boys and girls but I have to get technical with you as I have had a bit of a week with one or two of you getting a bit antsy, some of you wondering why I have down shifts in mood and why the "cheer up it might never happen" doesn't work, even the wife who is usually my rock made the stunning comment "you are the only misery in this house" give the girl a coconut! and if she doesn't get it people like me who are doing our best to trudge through life are well and truly screwed!

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present. A depressed mood is a feature of some psychiatric syndromes such as major depressive disorder.

That's the technical description and with the exception of being suicidal, I have at some point had or still do have all of those symptoms, I don't control them they control me, I'm better now than I have been in the last 33 years, yes I got some help but in some ways it opened up a bigger can of worms, I do know I have suffered manic depression for the last five years, what triggered it off I have no idea, but trust me on bad days I can understand why people get suicidal, my shrink that I saw last year says that I have good defense mechanism, as my main out look on life is as long as I wake up happy! but what happens if I ever wake up unhappy.

The fact that I have set myself impossibly high standards for myself, yet not for others seems to be the starting point, but isn't it silly that you don't really notice something until a qualified person (in this case my shrink) points it out, certain people had pointed this out to me before, but as always I chose to ignore them. My PTSD didn't help matters and although I seem to have a much better grip on it these days (you are never really cured) was this the rock that started my cheese to slide of my cracker.

I am a better person today than I was a year ago, I am more balanced than I have ever been in the last 33 years of my life (go figure) I work with a great bunch of people (who although they don't realise it help me immeasurably) I have some fantastic friends and although I find it hard to express my self I do indeed love every single one of you, but saying cheer up misery doesn't cut the mustard I'm afraid. do you not think if I could I would.

The emails I received this week were from long time readers of the blog and who I soon realised that English is not their first language so the nuances of my written attempt at English may be slightly off kilter, but we discussed and soon resolved our issues, a bad day yesterday with my blood pressure didn't help, neither did me getting up early to cook breakfast for everybody as they snoozed away the morning, Then a stroppy wife looking for a pair of shoes that seem to have disappeared sent the wife into the stratosphere resulting in said misery comment and now I sit alone in the festering at the comment unhappy and quite angry. I saw a poster this week and it said "depression is like living with a body that wants to live but your brain just wants to die" that is so true and until you experience it please don't make little comments that don't help at all.

Sorry if this sounds like I am on my high horse I'm not, it doesn't take much for me to slide down in a deep dark hole, although I do try to give an outwardly impression of happiness, my eyes I know are telling different stories, I know I'm sinking into  a black mood that will be difficult to shake, but I won't be beaten, I intend to fight it very step of the way, I want to get back to the fun loving person I used to be (yeah I know I don't recognise the description either) I don't quit, I want to be a better person for my wife for my family for my friends and for the people who I work with, don't say I don't have a game plan because I do, its just damn hard getting out of this sludge, that's me done  until the next time, keep spreading the disease and watch the skies............incoming until then Toodles!