Sunday, 10 May 2015

Pocket

I drifted off today, it appears that I was meditating on a beach, after a couple of minutes of wonderment, words started to float towards me, "an impersonal life creating vastness is ever changing" this metaphor touched me deeply! I felt at one with my world, it made me feel as though time had stopped , or at least in a kind of stasis, finally a feeling of peace came over me, then suddenly another idea wafted towards me, "I'm alive in an impersonal world and it would appear that I can't stop taking it personally" then just as quick as that one went past "life can only be sustained by other life forms" WTF where the hell are these coming from? then from behind me "ever-changing is just another way of saying shit happens" by now I was starting to panic, I realised that I had strayed from the path of meditation (no not medication) I tried to chill, I too a deep breath of fresh air and once that being completed I turned to wards the ocean, realizing that it wasn't fresh air I had breathed in and that also the ocean was disappearing in a haze!

I awoke to the dulcet tones of the wife shouting at me, telling me I'm a dirty bastard and that I shouldn't fill me or the dog with cheese!

I knew all along it had been a dream, however the dog farting was way worse than the wife shouting me awake!

See I do compile things, that first part was written months ago and again its an attempt not just to be a big misery, I am trying or at least that's what the wife keeps telling me! many thanks and salutations the last blog was the second most read blog here on this little profile the numbers went right through the roof now if I could only work out why (lol) life continues noting to report so move along there, move along hahahaha, until the next time Toodles1

Sunday, 3 May 2015

From out of nowhere (a Pagan wedding)


So we had the glory of the birthday party, we now had the wedding party to look forward to, I was a tad giddy with the thought of two nights out in great company within a week (WTF) I had gotten over the hissy fit and the wife’s comment, as I had vented my spleen over the incident, onwards is my motto of the moment so hopefully she had taken the hint(NOT), work was as always work but my get up and go had got up and fucked off, hopefully not too many people had noticed, the only blimp on the horizon was the eldest planning (or not planning in this instance) a weekend away with no thought for kids or animals (let’s not get started) and I just knew that the wife and the Kraken were going to huff and puff about it, deal with it and move on life’s too short, however as always I’m getting ahead of  myself.

Work flowed slow like treacle but I went with it and hopefully it kept my head away from any targets that were being shot at, I had a blood test on Thursday and that went swimmingly with another appointment booked for me to be told “you’re a fat twat” I shuffled  back to work and chilled as I am trying to learn, then somebody went and lied to me thinking that I didn’t already know the truth and I gave them the opportunity to tell the truth…….they didn’t, so they can reap what they sow, when the fruits of their deceit come to fruition  later! Friday came and again I kept a low profile even though there had been a serious incident on one of our sites, thankfully my boss turned up and dealt with it (praise the lord) I let the day play it course and rather than go home I had some eats at work then got ready for what had the makings of a great night!

I didn’t want to have to rely on the plague carrier to get me home and to stress the wife about arriving on time, so I got changed and chillaxed at work reading  while I waited, I was in a glorious mood as I got in the car and off we went, that’s there the night got kinky…….we got there on time , I know I was shocked and stunned as anybody else was, we said our hello’s to the happy couple grabbed a seat and again chilled talked to some peeps and generally went with the flow, the venue was a tad awkward for drink as you had to go to the downstairs bar for any draught drink and apart a little argument about different prices for the same drinks it wasn’t really that much of an inconvenience.

G &E arrived and it was so great to see them as we hadn’t seen them since before Christmas and with the current financial status it might be Christmas before we see them again we soon devoured all of the gossip and the world seemed to right itself again, good times with great peeps! Soon everybody else was there and the conversation and although I was to the back of it all, I didn’t mind (just the way I was seated I wasn’t being mysterious) as it was just nice the way the night unfolded, soon the food was flowing and instead of opting for the curry, I opted for the pie and mushy peas (MMMM) and the world seemed to be ok, more great banter with good people, even the pink panther was there (a personal joke that E has forced me to publish!) at this point I needed the loo I was about to break the magical seal the night wouldn’t be the same after this!

The toilets were rather quiet maybe people just didn’t know that they were here, but I did my ablutions in near silence and as I walked back into the hall I was met by a crescendo of cannon fire from incredibly loud party poppers, then my world tilted and I just wanted to run away! I hadn’t expected this, it was just one long wave after another, a full on barrage of cannons firing from all sides, I tried to calm myself I even tried to join in, but my cloud had arrived with reinforcements and my defences were down with all the guards asleep on duty, I had possibly the worst panic attack of my life I wanted to escape just get the hell out of dodge and runaway, thankfully the wife noticed and steadied the ship just enough, I told her I needed to go, I bolted for the exit (without any grace) unfortunately I didn’t (couldn’t) say goodnight or say thank you for our gracious hosts or our friends, I was stopped temporarily by a gaggle of girls heading down stairs and I didn’t want to get amongst them in case I panicked and sent everybody flying!    

The cold of the bridge between the buildings made me think, trying to remember all of the solutions I had learnt from my therapy, but to no avail, I couldn’t raise my defences the apaches were within the fort scalping any living soul they could find, the wife turned up concerned and all I wanted to do was to cry and scream then cry some more, we exited the building, all I could see was the river and a possible exit from this misery, thankfully and finally my exercises were starting to make sense, the alarm bells were sounding and reinforcements were on the way, unfortunately too little too late! Wave after wave of desolation hit me and nearly brought me to my knees, I was in tears and howling like a madman, something I had never done in years never mind since my therapy, I was pointed in the direction of our car but I couldn’t get in it, I wasn’t breathing, my wife was now getting concerned, I didn’t have a clue I just hated myself my life and just about everything in it! Finally I managed to gain entry and sit and calm myself with the help of the wife, she had never seen me like this before, and I could tell she was concerned, did she go and get help and risk leaving me there by myself howling in the night, thankfully not, as soon as I could control my breathing I sunk into a semi state of consciousness, repeatedly saying sorry on what must been an incredibly long journey home to Gimpsville for the wife, I walked zombie like into our house and fell into the settee, I don’t remember much of the rest of the night I know I slept but thankfully I didn’t dream because that would have been simply too much to bear!

I awoke on the Saturday like a new man drained of just about everything but better for it, I felt like a boxer who had gone the distance, thankfully though I wasn’t emotional, I felt distanced from the happenings of the previous evening, although the rest of the day would again see me in a zombie like state for some of the day repairing my defences and sleeping (always the best medicine) by evening I was in a better state of mind, not 100% but definitely better!

I think if that had happened before my therapy, I think I could have actually done harm to myself, without thinking of any of the consequences, that has been the worst attack in years, and my first one in over 10 months, my own fault, I had let my defences down and wasn’t compos mentis when the incident arrived, it wasn’t caused by alcohol (two pints) I now know how the Americans felt on December 7th 1941 when the Japanese rolled into Pearl Harbour kicking ass! I feel a strange sense of detachment towards it now and I feel ashamed that I allowed it to happen, this isn’t over the battle was nearly lost and I can only say thank you to my wife who got me through it. I now have to shake myself out of this apathy and realise if given the chance, my black cloud will come storming over my defences at each and every chance it will get. Lesson learned I don’t intend to let that happen again!

I feel a lot stronger today whereas before therapy something like that would have stayed with me for weeks, to anybody who was there and concerned for me (if you spotted the incident) I am so much better and stronger because of it, I will not be beaten and I will never surrender all I can do now is put my best forward and say thanks for everybody’s support!

I’m sorry the night ended the way that it did and yet again the wife has to suffer the consequences, I will at some point make amends, today well today I’m here alone listening to the rain attack the outside of the house as the wife heads off to her place of work, I will finish this then post and intend to spend the rest of the day with music and reading………..go figure!

I know I’m not cured and I know that I can only take one day at a time that’s one lesson that I have learned from this, I take this opportunity to wish the happy couple lots of love and happiness, you really did make a sad old man believe in in happiness! So until the next time Toodles!

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Its my life

You know this is serious if I'm dragging Gene $immons into the fight, I know I have gone really silent these last few weeks but you know what I felt I deserved it, nope there was nothing wrong, well no more than usual, but I wanted to step away from the programme, I needed to know if the published word was indeed doing any good, turns out it does so here I am, y'all ready lets crack on then.

I have done a fair bit of writing some good some bad some that will be published some that won't be all in all a good experience, some dark some not so much, all in the mix and all of it at some point useable(in some form or another), maybe not just yet, but yeah I sit on stuff and stock pile it for a rainy day, go sue me if you feel that way inclined.

it's been a few weeks of work and not a lot else in the real world some unhappiness mainly work but that's for me and not the general public, some movement of people (a good thing for some and one genuinely dumb ass move but hey ho not my problem unless he comes a knocking on my door) just been soldering on, trying to help when I can, I even took some time off .....yeah me.....well it didn't quite work out as expected, lets just say that I wasn't disappointed I knew what was going to happen and it did, I need to get my arse into gear when it comes to time off I really do need that hobby!

Music has been played to death and it has as always helped me, maybe not other peeps , that's their issue! its the time of year we normally sort out our finances, unfortunately a number of  things grew legs and caught us up, not a great issue but it just doesn't give us much room for manoeuvre , was I really put on this earth just to work, pay bills and die...........it looks like it!

My health is bugging me something rotten as I have been worse since taking the medication prescribed and  I feel like I have been pushed to a cul de sac that I have no control over, my health issues are really starting to hound me, not just my mental health issues but life in general is getting all of his mates together and look like they are going to kick my arse big time, fingers crossed on this one, but I am under no illusions, its not like I am in denial(anymore) I am doing all the right things however it does look like I'm about run aground, not intentionally, lets just see where it leads us, you know you lot will be the first to know!

Life in the big bad world has been on a level playing field, meaning me and the wife have done jack shit of late, hence the no blogs, I do believe you have to lead a life if you intend to write about life, thankfully we went to a friends birthday party and that's what I'm getting to so bear with me as I meander to the point! as a rule I am in fact a shy person, I always have been, then I tend to over react in public situations I do well in small groups the bigger the group the more I tend to float to the extremities then internally decide that actually I'm better off by myself (so not the case) and that people will not miss me if I float off, I was notorious when I was younger for simply disappearing, and I used the excuse "oh I was pissed and I lost you all" that kind of issue, then people say "but you work with tons of people" actually when I'm at work its all a front I would much rather be right at the back, the number of times I have thrown up at work due to being shy, unfortunately I have to put bread on my family's table, so I have to man up and get with the programme the fact that I can do this at work doesn't always help in my private life, why the wife puts up with me I have no damn idea!

I bumped into an old work colleague earlier in the week and thankfully he was the same old tonic that he has always been, good chat, good times he helped refocus me and my self righteous attitude, kept the boat on an even keel got me through a potential minefield, work throws so many curveballs I never know what will come my way, that's why sometimes I can be so damn volatile. where is the birthday party that was mentioned well hang on to your hat its coming, the keeper of the royal hounds was one year older and we were invited it meant that I could spend the week preparing for the social assault on my senses, all in a good way I just don't want to spoil the party for the world, I was doing ok, not great but not bad either I just needed to prepare, preparation is the key!

The wife had to go work on the day and was having some minor issues, one was trying to wiggle out of paying to have a light repaired in the house (I don't do anything with Gas Water or the Electrical things, not with my reputation) dummy retrieved and wiped off and handed back to the wife (she still came off better financially) I then had an afternoon bonding with the youngest who was going to be dog sitting rather than being at the Kraken's for a change, the afternoon went well and I did my (mental) exercises for the coming night, the wife got home and she was a tad annoyed but I will let her let her start a blog about that one, a quick spin and we were on the road to happiness!

We arrived just about the time we said we would and the night was soon on a roll a few people who I miss from my day to day to life including the birthday boy, I was a good boy and avoided excessive alcohol  consumption, I was in a good place I didn't need it, the night rocked on until we hit a speed bump! the wife had a game plan although we got there later than normal, the wife had tasks to complete the following morning and then back to work so the game plan was a necessity, as the night progressed I did gravitate away from the crowd that was to be expected, I was aware and I had my own game plan which took a tight bend when at the allotted time, the wife threw a spanner in the works when I reminded her of what we intended to do she piped up "there's the face " I had done really well up to this point I was now pissed off, only at the wife and I wasn't going to let it effect the rest of the party, I think the penny dropped and nearly an hour after she had wanted to leave, we said our farewells and headed back to Gimpsville, the birthday boy as always was gracious and said all the right things he's a good guy and there's not many of them left out there!

The journey as always was relatively quick back to hills of our house, mainly in silence I wasn't happy but I should have expected it the wife does an awful lot for me, whether she realises it, but little comments don't help, in the bad old days I would have raged on about it for days and I mean days, not in a violent way just in a pick pick pick kind of way! not a good way hopefully I'm better now, maybe the wife doesn't agree but I am doing my best and so far it's grooving in the right direction, today has been alright not world war three, maybe just some simmering lets see what happens when she gets back?

The blog numbers have been damned good, I could blog everyday at the moment but I notice that it dilutes the audience, so I have a good idea when saturation point and when it hits that I will do more, I'm getting to grips with you lot as rule and again thanks for all the good vibes we are nearly back to triple digits so that can only be a good thing! thanks for those of you who have decided to hang on and wait the train is back on the tracks so watch this space for any further literary nonsense, so until then Toodles! 

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Jealous again

I'm still here just drifting along trying not to drop anchor in any particular harbour as my black cloud is back, but still keeping a safe distance, it knows if I get to grips with it, I now have the tools to kick its arse big style!

I'm also not writing anything structered purely because all my ideas are very untogether is the best way too describe them, lots of little things to write about just not sure how to approach them and how to keep them with a positive approach. they need to be joined up but at the moment I haven't got a clue on how to approach that particular issue, I might need a bit of practice.....go figure!

Others seem to be able to get on with their lives and I'm very jealous of them and their lives, it would appear that I appear to be sitting in neutral just ticking over and I have no idea on how to get it started, I know the wife will have a very big stick in which to deal with me sitting idling away the moments, it would appear that I realise I'm starting to act just a little "stir crazy"  I do need to get out of this sitting in darkened room routine its starting to become boring just a tad!

I managed to get the wife to take me further out into the wild lands, beyond Gimpsville, a glorious day with great weather and even better company (yes the wife), I even took my camera out with me and deleted every shot I took because they were so bland, but its a start I need to get that seed in me to germinate otherwise the good things that have been started may just come to yet another grinding halt, best foot forward and all that!

Numbers for the blog have been phenomenal, not sure why, but maybe that's a good thing, maybe I should just keep plugging away and not try to analyse the trends, I know nothing, I just know I like to write (as you can tell by this garbled mess ack ack ack) so yes I need to knuckle down and definitely do some writing, practise does indeed make perfect!

Music as always has been played long and hard, various formats tapes, mini discs, cd's I just need to take the plunge and get the old vinyl back in traction, lots of good stuff , Karnivool, Diving for pearls lots of Queen on a random shuffle that sounds a tad psychotic on my MP3 player old stuff new stuff and delving back into stuff that I didn't care for when people raved about it 25 years ago and nope I still don't get the fucker now boring and shite I can think of a million bands better just in Newcastle at the time, potential yes but very little spark I saw them twice and thought they were shite live as well, name them, oh no not me play the name game you might just guess!

Work is coming to its first natural break of the year, it cant come quick enough, I ain't got no money but I intend to do something with my life in the coming days, notice I didn't say wife we seem to have become slightly estranged of late but only in the word sense,  she has baby sitting (no not me) duties for the grand kids,pooches as well as the kraken and her pain in the ass husband, as well as work even though its those pesky zero hours take them while you can! I just need to complete four very long and painful days deep breath and yet again my best foot forward!

So there you go more drivel but a cunning plan moving forward at least in a writing kind of way, I have no intention of going all Kerouac on your ass's, bear with me I have some good eggs they just need nurturing, keep spreading the disease something is working out just fine, more music and some definite chilling is going to be the order of the day, I think we might be in for some good times and then lets see who will get jealous again but until then Toodles!

Monday, 30 March 2015

I Don't Remember

No cause for concern, but I'm dealing with a few things (like life) that mean I have to give them my full undivided attention, lots of peeps asking about a new blog, well they will probably be like buses and you will get a bunch of them at once.

So you heard it here first there's nothing to see move along move along, when I feel like I want to be a part of the human race you lot will be the first to know so until then......Toodles!

Sunday, 22 March 2015

Behind The Wall of Sleep

Yes I'm still alive! the last fortnight has been quite disorientated, work has been pushing me harder than I would like it too, a close friend passed away and that didn't put me in the mood for writing something jolly, and as a matter of course I have resumed my bid to be the worlds blinking champion, as yet again I resume my long naps on the settee! go figure  the mask it seems just isn't working.

Work has been gathering pace as year end beckons and I'm nowhere near finished, nor did I have any chance once the project over ran by nine weeks, I'm quite relaxed about it, purely from the point of view I have a great boss and he is happy with my progress, still it irks me that I have been given a time specific job and I know I,m going to fail, in the grand scheme of things I suppose I can live with that..........take a look at me for once woo hoo!

Billy had been a friend for nearly forty years and we had more good times than could write about here (maybe in another blog) we had drifted once I moved away, however we always spoke and stopped when we saw each other, Billy had his own personal demons, I hope wherever he is now he has found peace, losing friends even ones that you barely see(surely this proves they are friends) creates a rather large hole shaped size in our lives.

During this fortnight I have seen a number of people who I used to go to school with and to be honest I didn't make an approach to them as its actually been nearly 34 years since I had any contact with them, and people change they might look at me and go sod off loser, fear of rejection me nooooooo! every now and then some one I know from school as they float back into my life and recognise me and they have always been friendly even one or two who I thought wouldn't, but I don't think my ego could take getting crushed for things that shaped my life all those years ago!

My bomber command style mask that I'm now required to wear to sleep isn't doing the magic anymore, I'm barely wearing it for more than an hour and a half and then while I'm asleep I take it off and switch the bloody contraption off, slowly but surely my sleep is being affected, deep sleep and feeling like hammered shite when I wake up, depression for long periods of a day simply because my sleep is affected, then if I eat a large meal I'm asleep within minutes feeling groggy when I'm awoken, any helpful hints greatly appreciated as I know what the consequences are going to be if I can't keep the bloody thing on, the staff at the hospital already think that I'm taking the proverbial piss..........me with my reputation go figure!

As for the blogs, well the numbers are very healthy with old and new being read on a regular basis, I'm extremely grateful as long as  its not a law firm intending to read and research for a law case against me WTF! the name game is indeed still in play although numbers of people actually having a guess has nearly dwindled to single figures ( good old Nils keeps hammering on) so yes this title is a song title lets see how many can guess it without cheating, normal service will resume here from the next blog something historical it was going to be about Twisted Sister but seeing as how the drummer for the band AJ Pero has just died I will be avoiding for the coming weeks, I'm sick of the blog being about death, at this time in my life I might not have much say in that particular subject, so until the next time keep spreading the disease Toodles!

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Six Ways to Sunday

This week has dragged on sometimes it was like running through treacle, I wasn't having the best of times, nor was I having the worst, I just wasn't getting the traction I wanted with the world, so consequently everything felt (although it more than likely wasn't)off kilter, little things became huge things and I retreated from the world I didn't want to play, I always aim to do my best for people but a lot of people seem to be out for themselves, so when I end up in this frame of mind I soon become angry and then insecure, then well just read the blog and see what you think?

Music was my saviour playing lots of weird and wonderful stuff, not to everybody else's taste but it was to mine, I attacked the base of the tidal wave of work with as much vim and vigour as I could muster, but there is only so many ways you can kill a zombie, I was missing the company of my wife , no the not one where we argue or only see each other for about ten minutes of the day, I wanted the one with the same sense of humour the same taste in music my partner in crime, the one that I love unashamedly. it turns out I was to be in charge of the asylum on Saturday so I took the Friday as a lieu day (modern Britain you don't get paid for working unsociable hours)in the vain hope I could spend some time with her, but I had to get to the finish line first.

An invitation for a meal and an executive seat at the match from work arrived too late in the day although my little pit-bull who found out I was invited late, made sure everybody's night was spoilt because I wasn't invited in time, some people do the smallest things to cheer you up lol! I continued on the Thursday helping some nice (allegedly) people with a deadline that could have had some serious consequences for them (Not me) but I took time out of my busy day to help (cause that's what I'm like) then as the end of the deadline I dragged their sorry arses across the line and spiked the ball, I then went home as I work different hours to them (proper work hours while they work office hours) only to get home and to switch on my computer to see that they had all been taken for a slap up meal for indeed crossing the finish line on time, everybody slapping themselves on their backs and not one single word of credit for the person who actually helped save their sorry arses (GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) now if I'm honest I wouldn't have went, I'm anti social and the whole world knows it, however those very same glory seeking twats have just climbed to the top of my list......that's my shit list!

Thursday night was ruined simply by me plotting revenge, I know I'm being pushed to the side-lines at work while people jockey for position to brownnose senior management that's why they will always lose, because I don't play games, I go to work do my job to the best of my ability (and I know exactly how good I am at my job .....damn good I have saved the fire brigade five and a half million pounds yes you read that right million! in the last seven years go find anybody in the country that has done that and I will show you a picture of .........ME) anyway I digress and yes I was festering Thursday night was spoilt (it doesn't take much) a simple thank you was all that was required, maybe because I don't go around shouting how good I am, anyway I had Friday off what could possibly go wrong....................................

I slept a little late, not much a little over an hour and  I felt like hammered shit, I wasn't firing on any cylinders at all, I was hoping some fresh air might help I hadn't got my bus pass (no I'm not that old) on Thursday because I was helping people, its what I do! (do I sound bitter hell yeah) the wife had to call into work so we could kill two birds with one stone and just being in her company kick started the battery, no arguments just us being on the same page, skint nothing to spend, just us enjoying each others company. we did what we had to do and the wife suggested an early lunch her treat...........go on then, we had a little chore to do and we couldn't decide on what to do or where to go? as it happens we ended up back in Gimpsville parked up at home and walking the 500 yards to the local spoons, I was for some reason by now sinking not feeling great, not in need of an ambulance but strange and totally not one of this world!

We grabbed a high table as the place was full of people having the same thought as us, and I was totally holed below the water line, my head was bouncing and I felt crap, I let the wife decide (Fish & Chips) well she was paying, and the food duly arrived only for me to.............(I hope you are all sitting down) not be able to finish the Fish! never mind the actual meal, the wife asking me if I needed actual medical assistance, the reality was all too weird I wanted to go home and lie down I felt awful, I picked at my meal until the wife finished hers and mine! I struggled home and before the wife had the front door locked I was asleep on the settee where I stayed for a few hours. once I awoke I felt better but not rested or even good I felt drained, I have noticed since being diagnosed as a diabetic and have been given medication to take I feel like shite all of the time, this getting old malarkey is no good no good at all!

I was early to bed, bomber command mask in place and asleep well before the wife and then again I was up and about doing all manner of crap before she even stirred her bones, the plague carrier was on time and thankfully not full, I didn't bother with bus seat bingo ( I have all next week for that) I got off the bus and got to the asylum and I was soon............ angry, now I have no idea why, most people know me as an approachable person, However I just growled through the whole day and everybody knew, the message soon spread, my motto is if I'm there to work so are all the people getting paid to be there! when I'm in that frame of mind people know. Now don't get me wrong me being like Genghis Khan is still better than most of the asswipes who are just mean just because they can be, I will always give you a chance but on days like this a second chance will never happen, however once the deed is done for once I don't hold a grudge, (WTF!) get on with it the world keeps turning!

As always with a Saturday at the asylum, its bedlam lots of stupid people mingling with sensible people who just want to get on with life and the likes of myself and the team continually putting fires out (please excuse the pun) most of which just goes to prove how the hell does the human species ever get to be the top of the food chain, again one of the team from Thursday was partnered with me being a mentor......hahahahaha you had your chance go deal with some stupid people on your own for a change oh the joy, thankfully I was out the door for 4.30..........................allegedly!

Once again the wife exceeded herself and was back to her good old time keeping ways, she only arrived an hour and ten minutes late, not a record for her and that is a worrying theme!  I wasn't too bothered for a change (I know me with my reputation) I chilled and relaxed and didn't do any more work, which was frustrating for the staff who were asking for help, who knew Fuck off And Die was an insult? the blue streak finally arrived and we were on our way, we were finally going to be spending some time with close friends, we just didn't know who, once at our destination we found a parking space at our usual religious institution, we just then had to find a cash point that didn't charge us for getting at our money, cue a drag around the bottom end of the town before arriving at Central Station and then on to the Union rooms, I will admit to being by this time well and truly goosed the day was catching up with me, but upon arriving at the Union rooms I was blown away by the people who were there peeps I hadn't seen in ages and a great conversation was had by all, tiredness was soon forgotten I actually didn't manage to get a drink until 10 minutes before leaving (mind you the wife was controlling the purse strings) I didn't even notice my spirits were lifted with awesome company something that has been missing for the last few months friends do indeed make a difference!

SMOR had come through again indeed his guest list was 30 + 1, more than the rest of the two bands put together, we headed up to the venue it was then that I realised just how old I feel these days, the walk to the venue is up hill and it took it out of me, the hurricane that was blowing didn't help, while the wife did the walk of shame to the box office I was confident that I could have fixed the fire alarm issue  that the venue had isolated, ooops sorry its hard not to do my job out in the real world, I'm not a fan of the venue because of all of the stairs and bands have a tendency to use the PA system provided and not bring there own, consequently the sound is shite, the only bands that have a great sound in the venue........bring their own PA system! I'm also conscious of my own frailty, I can't go off into the crowd, if the venue is full my knees play tricks on me, I also need to sit from time to time only for a few seconds but it can't be helped.

That's when I feel for the wife who loves being in the thick of it, the crack and the bouncing about, I simply can't do  it anymore, cue depression, cue feeling for sorry for myself , cue the downward spiral, it doesn't take much, thankfully just at the moment of despair the keeper of the royal hounds arrived with his lady and the night rocketed for me, although there is a photo of me looking like a misery, probably a good reason for why I disappear when cameras are produced (I really do need to do something about my demeanour..........honest I was enjoying myself) we missed the first band by choice, the time was spent more wisely catching up with old friends rather than getting acquainted with a new band ....maybe next time, Black Star Riders were the first band really to be studied and if you have not heard of them, you will know them better as Thin lizzy, and they were quite good.............however come on boys you have two albums out now its time to rely more on the new stuff seven lizzy songs in the set and some of the more crappy ones, throw a curve ball or two in rather than the expected versions, we had seen the at hard rock hell and had enjoyed their company over a pizza and beers and found them to be really nice peeps even if Scott Gorham is like the queen and doesn't carry money! last night seemed to be a tad disjointed but still good, everybody seemed to enjoy them, maybe I was (as always) just being too critical, me with my reputation hahahahaha maybe! they had the place rocking maybe being at the back of the venue took some of their potency from them, next time only do a couple of lizzy numbers and do some different stuff............mind you I did enjoy Massacre awesome song!

Then more chinwag and me doing my best wallflower impersonation, in a venue with 1500 people in someone broke wind and the wife asked if it was me........cheers, and for the record it wasn't me! then what seemed like an eternity for the headline act who were on a pretty restricted timetable because we get thrown out of the venue at Ten so that the students can have some fun (twats) but nope the road crew take their own sweet time, then the tedium started, now don't get me wrong Europe never do a bad gig they play and sing brilliantly even at the bad ones and tonight was one of those gigs it was like we were at a rehearsal more than a gig Joey Tempest usually such a great front man seemed as if he would rather be enjoying a bottle of wine at some fancy restaurant, the set list left a lot to be desired as well, they always play a lot of new songs off their latest album, it was released on Tuesday boys, in this day and age how many people do you think have bought it? two new tracks max and then play the hits ......even the newer hits, you insist on playing one of the worst songs from the prisoner in paradise album and never play the better stuff, oh we better rock it up lets do scream of anger, predictable in every way and it seemed telephoned in, the segue way into here I go again was a nice touch but thanks to You tube we know you have done it loads of times. it was only a matter of time before people started leaving and they soon did we managed 45 minutes and we looked at each and thought lets get the hell out of dodge!

Once outside it appeared that we were going for something to eat, but because it was unplanned we didn't know where we were going, up towards the middle of the town and the knuckle draggers that populate the area at that time of the night, we picked our way through hell (The Bigg Market) only to find that our first choice had finished serving for the night, so we turned around and entered the second establishment who welcomed us with open arms and we soon ordered and sat and waited and behaved like human beings and my week was saved, I felt like a valued person again, talking nonsense and all manner of things in general I just soaked the atmosphere in, I realise that I have a long way to go on my own road to salvation but with friends like these, well I think I have a bloody good chance to get there, now can you please delete the grumpy looking picture!

Food arrived and consumed (those where some big balls..............meatballs that is) the night although not rushed was over way too soon, and we picked our way through the casualties of the night back to the cars, we said our goodbyes and headed back to our respective hills, home way too soon I was able to do my best known impersonation that I do.....person sleeping on couch! only to be shaken awake and off up the wooden hill to the land of nod properly,  I declined my bomber command mask so I could actually turn the right way and hold the wife as I drifted off to snoozeville, I was awoken this morning with the wife bringing me a cup of tea in bed (WTF!!!!!!!!!!) I came downstairs ate a small breakfast and have sat listening to oodles of music while typing this (cough splutter) masterpiece!

How do I feel today actually medically the best I have felt all week (music does that to people) last night was the best night of  the year so far, the only tinge of sadness was that G & E were not there, well not physically but in spirit always, The Tee Hee Club will rise again! I intend to go with the flow today and not be too spiteful, I have yet another busy week coming up, I have realised that I am hiding myself at work, emotionally I don't have to connect to anybody while I'm there I know it has to stop I never used to be this insular person even when I was a misery, time to put my best foot forward be  it only in small steps at a time, don't say that I didn't warn you lot!

That's it for the blog longer than I expected for something off the cuff, and yes I do feel a weight gets lifted after I blog, numbers are creeping upwards, not Pulitzer prize winning numbers but I'm happy with them, back to the grind with a couple of historical ones on the boil and incoming. thanks for all the likes, shares and comments keep spreading the disease  and if you actually see me out in the street and you think what a miserable bastard, what you need to know that inside there is a little seed called happiness and its starting to grow, go figure until the next time Toodles!