Right Here Right Now 8.

This blog here is all about me being selfish for once, this is me thinking about me and nobody else, a small white lie as I always put my wife before me, but just for once in this minute this is all about me, I lost my temper last night and sent the wife and the grandson off to bed, I did so that I didn’t lose my temper with them and even the little doggie I had had enough of his bullshit (the grandson not the little doggie) even though he has issues I simply had enough, go to bed or suffer the consequences, they went upstairs and I fell asleep in the chair virtually straight away, I was shattered and not in a good place!

Life at the moment is sucking the very life out of me, work is lousy, my private life is lousy, the details of why will stay private but it doesn’t take a detective to work out why, I have some major concerns over my wife and her wellbeing, some people are being selfish and damn the torpedoes, it’s a good job I have calmed down because I would have sank their entire navel armada and I at the time last night didn’t give a shit about any of the consequences, to be honest I still don’t but I’m not as angry as I was last night, the blue touch paper is standing proud, so let’s light it and be damned I really do not give a rats ass, not anymore!

I have always been very careful regarding the navigation of the seas of our lives, there has been an awful lot of rubbish from outside concerns that most people wouldn’t have ever put up with I always did for the safety of her sanity, she wasn’t always innocent in all of this sometimes she partook as much as some of the other co-conspirators, I think she now realises how much I put up with and didn’t kick off, well not as much as I could have. A lot of rubbish used to be thrown in the air and the wife put up with a lot, and to an extent she still does, she always tries to assist always is willing to go the extra yard for the ass wipes that continue to think of themselves and not others! I wish she would simply stop and think of herself for once, as I have alluded to I have been starting to get a head of steam up and at the moment if it blows the only blow back will be to the wife, probably why I am trying to release it a little bit of a time instead of in one big BANG! Because if I do tell the people it will be to tell them to Foxtrot Oscar and to totally and utterly stay away from us! yes there would be fallout but in the long run the wife would recover and gain some sanity into her life again, obviously I would still be a part of her life so yes there would still be a question of her sanity for putting up with a lunatic manic depressive with abandonment issues (to name but a few)  but that’s the way cookies crumble allegedly.

At this moment in team of writing this I don’t care of the consequences, do I want these people in my life, yes I do, but not at the wife’s mental health expense, I feel like reverting to the angry man I was when I suffered with my PTSD, when I had no therapy and simply didn’t know how to refocus the rage, all I wanted to do was burn the whole world down and dance amongst the ruins! Yes, I would cut my nose off to spite my face, I’m older and allegedly a little wiser so I don’t want to cause anyone heartache and pain but if I want to I will, I’m quite happy to pour honey, but I do know how to pour vinegar if I have to!

Our life going forward was meant to be easier , a full restart after the insanity of the Kraken and the hold she had over her daughter, I call it abuse she didn’t, we agree to disagree, but the wife has always and I mean always put family first, I do not include myself into this equation because in reality I have never asked for anything else except her love, but she s suffering from the ongoing proceedings and yes we both want to help but there is helping and then there is taking the piss, this is my view not Her’s , but I see the anguish and her flame diminishing a little each day and it breaks my heart. I’m not saying that other people aren’t suffering, but they are putting their needs first , my wife lost her mother a person who was there for her through thick and thin, I might not have agreed with the women but she would have done anything for my wife in her own perverse way of keeping a grip on her reality, I never bent to her will, I did what my wife wanted but never the Kraken’s I wanted nothing from her and she didn’t understand that almost everybody she knew took from her, I never did, I went along with things for the sake of the wife and the kids but she knew if I kicked off the Kraken would have been the loser.

My wife would give you the shirt of her back if it would help you but she is not helping herself any excuse to help others, but look after herself she is not and its making me mad that some people are indeed taking the piss by taking that help to the Ninth degree and not thinking of her, I do want to help others but to me my wife will always come first, she is my cornerstone, I need her more than I need anybody else, we had so many cunning plans to kick start our life going forward and it simply hasn’t happened as she simply wants to help  others and not herself, is this reciprocated of course some do but its miniscule compared what we do for them, but others are simply time grabbing self-absorbed people out for anything that they can get at the expense of the others, again that’s my view not the wife’s, I have no intention of trying to convert her she needs to make her own decisions about life I will support her in what she decides it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it!

So, where do we go from here? I honestly have no idea but I do know that I never wanted to howl at the moon so much as I have in the last fortnight, actually I would like to howl at certain individuals who I think are being selfish but I can guarantee that they wont see it that way, I cant wait until next Christmas when they find out we are away for 7 days with no intention of being in touch with anybody, cunning plans and all that, hopefully our hollibobs will be a great reset for the both of us as long as we don’t fall out, let’s wait and see!

This blog started out as a need to vent my spleen and has turned into war and peace, but I need to release some steam otherwise it probably would have turned uglier than it needs to, do I think the people I am alluding are awful, not really but I do think that they can be awfully selfish and only think of themselves, I’m sure I was going to pop my cork at life and the universe as my anger levels haven’t been like this in over ten years, I usually simply try to breathe through the issues, however my mild “angina” isn’t mild most days, and I have used my spray more than ever I have used it for 6 out of the last 7 days having said that once I lost my blob last night it eased to the point that I didn’t need to use it lol. I know in the grand scheme of things bottling things up is not good for me but it is better for everybody else, but I worry about the health of my wife all kinds of her health, she is and always has been my number one priority, the rest of the world can go do one!

This week at work saw me spiralling badly as I was simply trying to fit a stein into a shot glass! And I was failing miserably, trying to do too many things whilst I was running on empty it’s a thing I need to take up with the quacks when I get back as my energy levels have been non-existent of late, most days I was on the edge of a meltdown but thankfully on the bus journey home on most nights I chilled or even had a little power nap, I mean I still felt like hammered crap, but just slightly chilled ,but there is allegedly a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m told its not an oncoming train (fingers crossed) yesterday my last day of the week, I attempted to go with the flow and I always like to be early for appointments but 7 days is a but much even for me, yes my head has been battered, hollibobs in 7 day’s time woo hoo!

Now that I have vented my spleen I won’t tell you how this morning turned to shit, lets just tell you I got through it had a lovely bath to relax, spoke to my brother and we both put the world to rights, I have a couple of things let to do, but I’m in a better place, now if I can just get the wife in the same place at the same time I will be happy, until next time…………………….Toodles!